I Came, I Rocked, I Got Real Paid

11.1.05
2:10 PM
You ever find yourself eating a bagel whose flavor is indeterminate? I am doing that now.
I am on the fifth floor of an abandoned building in Long Island City. I am at the video shoot for the Sugababes new superhot smash hit “Ugly”. Why? Because Kraft services provides excellent (free) food.
More surprising than the fact that I’m going to be in the “Ugly” video is the fact that I took both the L and G trains to get here and only got turned around twice, wasting a total of about ten minutes or so. Go me. Where I am now looks like god damn downtown Groznyy. The video’s director, Toby Tremlett (Moloko “Fun For Me”, Sneaker Pimps “Six Underground”) has quite the sick sense of humor (exemplified even further by my presence). While I was looking for the shoot, I came across one of the singers (Heidi). She is incineratingly good looking AND has a British accent. Liverpool has never sounded less disgusting. Then some nice guy with a cockney accent told me to talk to “that bloke o’er there”. Fuckin’ a, man, I gotta bloke.
Once I got in, I put on my (Ray’s) blue velvet shirt and took my hair down. Jessica the wardrobe chick then deemed my appropriately “rock” and now here I sit, noshing on a something-that-might-be-a-maple-syrup bagel at the expense of Mad Cow Productions, London, England. In a few moments (or hours, who knows?) I will get real paid for rocking out. Can I say again how much I love this job?
My free bagel is almost gone I think I will get another… Before I do, I should take a moment to snicker at the poor fuckers who have been in this crumbling deathtrap since four in the morning. *snicker snicker*

4:01 PM
After spending about two hours on and around the set I feel like whipping it out and jacking off furiously. Strangely, this has less to do with the scalding hot Brits and more to do with the people I am surrounded by. I am surrounded by stereotypes. Little black kids skipping rope, skaters in backward caps and ¾ length pants with wallet chains, cute little tap dancing girls, an Asian guy in a gi who knows martial arts, a mime, a juggler and other “entertaining” stereotypes.
But that isn’t the problem. The problem is that everyone is doing everything they can to show everyone how great they are. Whenever I’m on one of these things, I always feel like the PA’s, AD’s and all the other assistants that have to be the Stereotype Shepard. I feel hatred for these one dimensional caricatures. Look, I’m juggling. I’m just doing it so you’ll look at me and think I’m interesting and think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could juggle like him. My life is meaning less without being able to juggle.” Christ. This raises a question: What stereotype am I playing? How can they possibly use me in this? All I do is Rock Out. Is there a stereotype of tall, pale men in blue velvet shirts that can’t dance? Really? Well, Sugababes are British, maybe in Britain there is a whole sub-culture of blue velvet clad men who are tall and can’t dance. I will go there, and they shall make me their God…
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9:26 PM
Soon after the above entry, I was put in line to get busy and then at 6 we broke for lunch. After eating rice (excellent, free rice) and talking to a sound guy who had his life threatened by G Unit’s Yayo, I was called on to Rock Out. I stood before all the lights in the universe and was addressed by some French guy (Toby Tremlett, I think). He told me to back up, squat down and then he noticed that it wasn’t his camera; I was very tall. He got a shot of me holding a tiny chalkboard with “you” written on it (had something to do with the theme of the video, I hope). After he had gotten that shot, they cued the music…and I set the world on fire. The music faded into a sea of applause. Once I got past the blazing lights I saw everyone was on their feet. I had won them over. Heidi was jumping up and down, the other two were whistling. The Attractive British set have accepted me. After that, I received paperwork and headed home.
After I found out I was to be in the video yesterday, I downloaded the Sugababes discography. My only wish is that I was in the video of a more talented band. No, they aren’t the worse, most idiotic band I have ever heard, but it really makes me question the overall intelligence of the British masses. I guess “People Are Stupid” applies to ALL people, not just Americans. Hm. Also, this is kind of sucky, apparently the video is, at the moment, only going to be shown of British music television. I will keep track of it and try to get a copy. I hope they use me. Although I was the least talented as far as special skills, I certainly gave the most in my performance.
If you want, you could go to the superhot smash hit website of Sugababes (www.sugababes.com), but then again you could also rub twin handfuls of kitty litter into your eyes.