Walter Must Die.

2.28.11

3:13 pm

First, you don't know Walter and you never will so don't fucking judge me.

He must die.

He ought to die and, if I were given a sharp hammer and three minutes in a windowless room with him, I'd be happy to take care of things.

But I can't.

Thanks Obama.

Next, as everyone suspected, Reznor and Ross won their Oscar last night, and as a result, people have been interviewing him.

The only nugget my obsessed little mind centered on was what he said regarding the How To Destroy Angels LP: "Have to mix it, early fall, most likely."

Originally (and obviously I should have known that anything relating to release dates coming from Trent Reznor should be taken with a huge amount of salt), Reznor had slated the new album for January 2011. His fans, by this point, understand that when he says "soon" he means "within the next year", "very soon" "within three months" and "really really soon" "within the next day". But when he gives a month? That's different. I'll try to not Cake out as I've done over the past three years or so, but just letting you, the Internet, know that I am bummed about the potential six month wait that myself and fans are in for.

And, right along those lines, it was reported that TMBG's fifteenth studio album (and first adult album in more than a year) was due out in April, the fifth to be specific. Recently, the band spoke up and said that "an album preview EP" would be out in April and that the album itself was now scheduled for July.

July.

As in, four months from now.

Last week the new Radiohead album came out. It's called The King of Limbs, it's eight tracks and 38 minutes.

Personally, I'm a two/three/four-tracks-an-album guy when it comes to Radiohead, usually discarding the rest for whatever reason (although Thom Yorke's The Eraser was awesome), and this new one is in the same place as their previous ones.

I mention this because of the recent disturbing trend in popular music where time between albums is getting longer and the albums themselves are getting shorter.

Is this the artists' way of antagonizing pirates?

"You want to steal our music? Fine, here's 40 minutes for the next few years, steal THAT you little shits."

That's healthy.

Surprised and disappointed that Haley whatshername from True Grit didn't win for Best Supporting.

Have to see Melissa Leo in The Fighter to know whether or not I should continue feeling this way.

Also, apparently I need to see The King's Speech.

That thing fucking swept.

Anyway, along with Oscar Fever, I caught Dead Space 2-orrhea.

I bought the game when it came out (on January 25th) and have held off playing it, despite hearing people rave about it, for fear I would disappear into it.

I'm about 85% done with the game after two play sessions, about five hours each.

I'm not even done with it and I'm already looking forward to playing it again.

They have improved upon everything from the first game and executed perhaps the most brilliant revisiting of a previous area I've ever encountered.

And it looks and sounds fantastic, just like its predecessor.

In particular, there's a segment where you are manually realigning a bunch of solar panels while floating over Titan and you can just stop for a moment and look down at Jupiter...absolutely stunning.

Plus there's a new enemy which is, basically, an exploding baby.

So that's rewarding.

I should be done tonight unless I have something tomorrow morning that restricts me from finishing up.

Oh, and Will, it might not be the exact same as Diana's, but Chris followed her directions to the letter last night and made some amazing arroz con pollo.

It really does have to do with not touching the rice it seems.

How odd...

And speaking of Will, massive congrats to him on shucking off the boring humdrum chains of the Google Lunar X-Prize and stepping into the high class world of luxury, recreational space travel.

One more time.

LUXURY, RECREATIONAL SPACE TRAVEL.

Unless space disappears in the next few years, Will will actually be in space before he's 33.

So, he's pretty much taken care of.

He's going to space.

What else is there?

I suppose he could finish the Tall Like Paul screenplay...maybe even while he's in space...he could use that pen that writes in space that the US government developed.

Or a pencil.

Whichever.

In other BFFLOLROXORZ!!!1! news, I'm super-stoked, once again, to read Phil's latest novel, Blood From The Mountain.

Or Mount.

Whatever.

I admit that I am even more stoked for his March novel, the second chapter in his Grind Show series.

I dug the hell out of the first.

In fact, it might be my favorite thing he's written, certainly my favorite novel of his.

Christina has yet to read it and, although we celebrated our 11th anniversary on Friday and over the weekend, we won't make it to twelve unless she reads the first Grind Show in the next few weeks.

See Phil? THAT is how dedicated a fan I am.

I want your word babies.

I also want you to write my biography.

Maybe in April?

call me

**************************************Finished Perdido Street Station tonight.
Man oh man does that guy China know how to fuck over some heroes.

I've got (a) styl(ophone).

2.24.11

4:42 pm

Motherfucker YES!

And not only that, but since it has a headphone jack (why someone would want to listen to a Stylophone on headphones is beyond me, maybe the right combination of drugs makes you only want to hear Stylophone...?) I was able to plug it into my ProTools earlier today!!!

Stylophone + massive reverb = PSYCHEDELIC FREAK OUT!!!

I am way too excited about this...

Also on their way are a professional tambourine (none of that fake-ass tambourine shit for me, I'm a taxpayer), an egg shaker (like a maraca for people who aren't assholes) , a piano horn (it's a piano, it's a horn, what) and a toy accordion (because a real accordion is like three hundred dollars and probably really hard to play well).

I don't actually have a composition in mind for all this stuff, but it's always better to have a Stylophone/professional tambourine/piano horn/egg shaker/toy accordion and not need one than to need an etc etc etc and not have one.

A carpenter does need a reason to buy a new hammer.

Everything but the Stylophone was ordered off Amazon, BUT the Stylophone was ordered from thinkgeek.com.

Thinkgeek.com is fucking awesome.

They have a plethora of products laced with caffeine (cocoa, jerky, soap) and bacon (salt, mayonnaise, lip balm), a bunch of Star Wars/Trek/comic merch, a category simply called "Science!" and much, much, much more.

There's a t-shirt that says "Schrödinger's cat is dead" on the front and "Schrödinger's cat is not dead" on the back.

It's a t-shirt...riffing...on quantum physics...that you can buy...and wear.

Go then, there are other gems than these...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/

With all this influx of musical stuff, I do feel a song comin' on...I'm just not sure what it is or how it will sound.

It's coming though...count on it.

I honestly believe that the lack of Stylophone was the only thing holding George Washington Diarrhea back.

Now that I've got one...sky's the limit.

Sky's the limit.

These Streets Are Full Of Garbage, A Review Of The Streets' Final Album, "Computers And Blues".

2.23.11

3:20 pm

 

Today I've been listening to the new (and final), Streets album, 'Computers and Blues'.

This is a horrible album to go out on.

 

A few years ago, The Streets put out their fourth album, 'Everything Is Borrowed', on which all the songs were written about and based on axioms and parables, so much to the point that some of the songs were just non-rhyming retellings of these old chestnuts. That fact plus the less than inspired background beats made for quite a bland entry.

When 'Everything Is Borrowed' came out, Skinner told the world that this was to be the second to last Streets album. I think therein lies the problem with 'Computers and Blues'.

 

This new album doesn't feel like the final piece in some puzzle or some huge, triumphant ending, it feels like he's doing this so he can be done, as if 'Computers' had been on his To Do list too long and he just got fed up with the clutter.

As on 'Borrowed', the backgrounds are unexciting and wallpapery, well assembled, but not as nuanced and compelling as their earlier work, and the astounding lack of energy in Skinner's vocals causes me to ask myself why I should care about these songs when the person performing them doesn't.

The track "Blip On A Screen" is about Skinner's unborn child, about a life he helped to create, but the level of enthusiasm he brings to it makes it sound like he's reciting the contents of a laundry hamper.

I'd point out other low points, but they've all sort of blended together to make a sad pudding of unimpressive, forgettable sound.

There are a few exceptions, such as "Trust Me", which has a pretty decent beat and just a ghost of Skinner's liveliness that is so noticeably lacking throughout the whole album, and "Lock The Locks", the final Streets track ever (unless Mike Skinner changes his mind), which has an excellent sense of closure to it.  Along with those two the two other stand out tracks I've encountered are "Going Through Hell", one of the only tracks on the album that exhibits any of the Streets' signature cockiness and vigor as well as a rousing, enjoyable beat, and "ABC", a too short, straight up rap using the alphabet as its lyrical template, but, I'm sad to say that these tracks stand out only because everything else on this record is so substandard. These tracks would almost surely be ignored on any of the Streets' first three albums.

 

The Streets' first album, 'Original Pirate Material', was rough, fresh and exciting, their follow up, a brilliantly mundane rap/opera about Skinner misplacing a thousand dollars entitled 'A Grand Don't Come For Free', showed their growth as a group and the honing of their skills as well as granted them a massive amount of fame and success, and their third album, 'The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living', documented the dangers of believing their own hype and the price they paid for the renown they'd earned. The story told by these three albums is brilliant and truly worth all the praise they've received, and to see the final two albums in their career turn out the way they have makes me wonder if Skinner should have stopped earlier.

Do yourself a favor and stick to the first three.

Bane is CRAZY.

2.22.11

3:58 pm

Maybe a month ago, I heard that Tom Hardy was cast to play a villain in the next and final (according to Nolan) Batman movie.

I vaguely recalled a dapper British guy from Inception who airily tossed bon mots and fought some guys in a tilty, fucked up hallway and was sure I was mistaken.

I was not.

I did some research as to why this dandy fop would be cast as the massive South American master strategist/psycho steroid addict with a hard on for snapping Batman in half.

Turns out, Mr. Hardy starred in a movie about "Britain's most famous prisoner", Charlie Bronson.

The movie was called Bronson and I watched it last night on streaming Netflix.

I no longer have any doubt about Hardy as Bane (except for his size), but I must say, that movie was awful.

The trailer compared it to A Clockwork Orange and Snatch.

After watching it, I can inform you that that is because is features four minutes of bare knuckle boxing and some guy in and out of prisons and mental institutions...remember? Like that guy from A Clockwork Orange?

It had a few hints of Natural Born Killers, but just a few.

It looked great, the sets and make up were very effective and vibrant, even the darkest, dingiest holes, but there was really no plot.

The whole deal with this guy is that he wanted to be famous.

So, the movie kind of went like this: He beat people up, got beat up by people, hung with Super Hans from Peep Show, said he wanted to be famous, called a lot of people "cunts", got totally naked once or twice, decided he was famous.

The whole movie was like a collection of deleted scenes.

Whatever the case, Hardy did a great job with a big ol' bag of nothing.

And anyway, I'll never doubt Nolan's casting again.

Also cast in the new Batman was Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman.

When I heard that, I realized I only knew of her from her interactions with Chris.

I don't think I've ever seen her in anything but Brokeback Mountain and, well, let's just say she took backseat to the Joker fucking Donnie Darko, plus I watched it on a plane back from Zurich to New York and, as I hadn't slept more than three hours in three days, well, it's a bit fuzzy.

But, like I just said, I trust Nolan.

Aside from Katie Holms, a problem he solved with the help of sad turtle Maggie Darko, the man is above reproach.


I WILL BREAK YOUR CUNT!!! (Bane from the comics on the left and Hardy from Bronson on the right)

Along with doing the Bane research, I spent a bunch of time with Chris, including a trip to St. Mark's and thereabouts for an evening of eating like a 7-year old.

First, we hit the St. Alps Tea House for some bubble tea, then Pomme Frites (my first time!!!), for some expensive but fucking amazing fries and then to Luna's, the only gluten-free, dairy-free ice cream parlor in New York City (that I'm aware of), where Chris got some mint chocolate chip ice cream and I get a vanilla milkshake made from cashews. Before you gag on your own vomit, it tasted like cake batter and was delicious, so bite me.

Between the Pomme Frites and Luna's we passed a small shop called Obscura and we went in.

Among other things, they had a full human skeleton in a coffin ($6000), a preserved human head (brains included) from the 20's or 30's ($6500) and a huge array of other fucked up shit.

Apparently this place is considered a medical museum and is quite famous.

Chris got a bad vibe off the skeleton so we didn't but it.

We did have an involved conversation with the guy working there who turned out to be from New Mexico.

We then returned home where our bodies reminded us that eating like you're seven and actually being seven are not the same thing.

We finally watched The Proposition which had been mouldering* on our Netflix pile for over a month.

Seemed dark and brutal for the sake of being dark and brutal, but it was beautifully shot.

It gets more impressive when you find out that Nick Cave did it.

Yesterday, I recorded the VO for this commercial I wrote for Ray for Alina Tugend's book "Better By Mistake".

Whoa.

That's a mouthful.

Ray was hired to make a commercial for Alina Tugend's book.

Ray asked some people for ideas.

I gave him an idea.

On Sunday, Ray shot the idea I had.

I'm also doing VO for it.

Okay.

That's better.

Yeesh.

Finally, I have gotten Chris addicted to Plants Vs. Zombies.

Or rather, she has gotten herself addicted to it.

But I'm cool either way.

Did not start Dead Space 2 or restart Fallout 3.

Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Still carving my way through the West Wing.

It's still Sorkin, so I'm still having a good time.

I wonder if I'll be able to tell when he leaves?

Hm...

Okay.

Done.

* I added the 'u' because, although I am not British, the British spelling of 'moulder' reminds me of Alan Moulder, the producer who is currently mixing Nine Inch Nails' "The Fragile" into 5.1 surround sound.

Paul (The Movie, Not The Me)

2.17.11

3:13 pm

Recently, I had the glorious good fortune to get an invite to a screening of the new Simon Pegg/Nick Frost joint, Paul.

Just a note before I begin...in the near future, if you see me randomly posting things in first person (e.g. Paul is very funny, Paul is just the right length, Paul is packed with cultural references, Jason Bateman is great in Paul), I'm not referring to myself, I'm referring to this movie...even though all the things just mentioned apply to both.

Anyway.

I was literally brimming with excitement over this movie as I'm a huge Simon Pegg fan, specifically of the stuff that he and Frost have written together like Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Paul was also written by them and it goes right up there with the other two; it's snappy, childish, caustic and layered with humor, ranging from awful puns to alien dick jokes to subtle (and not so subtle) Star Wars nods to all the other stuff you'd expect from a movie made by these guys.

The three biggest differences between Paul and their first two films are that Edgar Wright didn't direct (the lack of his hyper-editing style is noticeable, but not overly detrimental), it's a lot less British (but still quite British) and, rather than focusing on Pegg and Frost, there's a whole slew of co-stars; Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader and Joe Lo Truglio (who are all brilliant), and a whole bunch of cameos as well from Jeffery Tabor, Jane Lynch, David Koechner, Sigourney Weaver (whose appearance is a surprise only if you've never heard her voice before in your life) and, oddly, Blythe Danner.

It was especially good to see Joe Lo Truglio, originally of The State, doing more than his usual two or three scenes as Nameless Funny Guy, and I hope this means more stuff for him.

As fans would expect, Paul features that wonderful Pegg-Frost brand of homoeroticism which divided the audience between people who think "they gay" and people who understand that the images in front of them are not real and that the people in these images are pretending, but I digress.

The basic gist of the film is that Pegg and Frost are lifelong friends who are visiting America for the first time to attend the San Diego Comi-Con and then take a UFO tour of the Southwest. They meet people and things happen...funny things.

Much like the plots of their earlier works, Paul is full of tropes, but also like their earlier works, the joy isn't in the plot, it's in watching these guys experience the plot.

I had the honor of being the only person who got (or, at least, the only one who got and laughed at) a Star Wars reference (odd as I'm not a huge fan). At one point, our heroes end up in a shitkicker bar where a cuntry band is playing the song from the cantina scene in Star Wars.

I felt pride and shame, like a fly that has found a huge pile of shit all to himself.

I'm planning on seeing Paul again when it comes out as it is worth however much these Hollywood twats are charging for movies these days.

Oh, also it's rated R so you don't have those stupid moments where "fuck" is the right thing to say, but you can only say "screw".

Fuck that.

Hard.

With a dick.

So, on March 18th, go see Paul.

The movie, not me.

Although if you want to me, that's cool too.

Just call me so I can get you a ticket to Paul.

And me.

And last night, as I was home, Chris and watched the first two thirds of Reality Bites.

Why the first two thirds, one might boggle?

Well, heck, I'll tell you why!

Because Netflix needs to pay more attention to the condition of their DVDs.

But, the fact that I didn't ask them to send a new copy probably tells you what we thought of the movie.

Or at least the first two thirds.

Did we really talk like that?

Jesus.

I apologize to everyone who isn't in their 20's who has to listen to people in their 20's talk.

And that music?

And have you EVER seen Jeanine Garaflo be that sincere?!

It was weird.

In a bad way.

Oh and both Chris and I agree that Christian Slater and Ethan Hawke should battle to the death.

Before the screening yesterday, I managed to finish (part of) Plants Vs. Zombies, an excellent little game originally for the PC then the Xbox then the iPod Touch then the iPad and, finally, the PS3.

If you have any of these platforms, you should check it out.

It was totally worth the wait.

It's made by a company called Pop Cap, which was known for cell phone games and smaller, time-wasting things you'd play while waiting for a train or something, but PvZ has a depth and humor that allows it to stand out from the mire of games like itself.

And it has zombies being attacked by plants.

And AMAZING puns.

Like a Wall-Nut...which acts like a wall.

Or a plant that shoots a lot of peas in rapid succession...a Repeater.

Or a plant that spits out coins...a Marigold.

And the list goes on and on and on.

Today is a good day.

Can't say why.

Just saying it.

I feel a song comin' on...

So Much Party As To Make The Sky Bleed

2.7.11

3:48 pm

Oh goodness do those Chinese know how to party.

On Saturday, despite the assy weather, Chris and I wandered over to Jen and Jim's Chinese New Year party.

We stuffed our faces with some amazing homemade Chinese food, dumplings and lo mien and rice and pea shoots and pork and everything you get from a store but REAL and HOMEMADE!!!

Then, after a few moments of that, they were just starting a game of Apples to Apples and Chris and I were the only two who'd played it before, so we ended up introducing it to a group of TOTAL strangers and came in a close second, one point away from winning.

It was interesting, trying to learn things about the other players by their choices and judging styles.

From what I remember, our winners were:

Principled - Batman (utterly. The man WILL NOT kill, not even the Joker and he will not use guns, unless you're Darkseid)

Eternal - Eleanor Roosevelt (she NEVER loses, a true Trump Card)

Sweet - Sailors (as in "Thweet...Thaliorth!!!")

Innocent - Fuzz (because...yeah...)

Some losers (which should tell you just how much we weren't playing with the people we usually play with):

Touchy Feely - James Bond (get it? because he fucks a lot)

Chewy - A Morgue ('nuff said)

I forget the rest.

Anyway, after Apples to Apples, people sort of split up and talked among themselves.

I ended up talking to a girl named Joann for about 45 minutes about books and movies and music and all the stuff I normally geek out about.

She mentioned an author named John Bellairs who sounded interesting.

Phil, any info of this guy?

After I'd flitted away from her, social butterfly that I am, I spoke to a girl named Megan and a guy named Treb (opposite of Bass) about how even though Cake hates their fans, they are worth listening to (I happened to be wearing my Cake shirt). I also told them about my adventures with TMBG and it turned out they were kindred spirits, at least with TMBG.

THEN I sat down and talked to ANOTHER girl (Seri, who was just as adorable as her name) about music, mainly Cake again but also about Weezer and how their irony might not be sincere and how it's actually quite a chore to enjoy their music.

Then some weirdness happened when this girl Anna, who I was talking to about Clue and alternate dimensions, turned out to be into the production end of voice over stuff and she's going to (hopefully) get me involved in some of her work which involves sending me scripts and recording them at home...perhaps on some awesome-ass home recording equipment?

After that, a lot of people left...and I was sort of assaulted by a drunk chick.

She made Kaitlyn look like a baby kitten.

Soon after, Drunky McAngrychick left and Chris, Jim, Jen and I talked for an additional three hours until five in the fucking morning.

It...was...EPIC.

Chris and I left with three days worth of amazing food and Jim lent me the hardest, most hey-you-like-video-games-well-FUCK-YOU-YOU-GAMER-SCUM-SUCK-SHIT-AND-DIE-BITCH-GET-A-JOB-AND-CUT-YOUR-HAIR game I've ever had the misfortune to play.

I gave it an hour of my life then calmly removed it from my PS3.

I understand when I'm not wanted somewhere.

Then Chris and I watched Piranha 2D.

It went too far at points (and that was hilarious) and not far enough at other points (which made me wonder why they started down that path in the first place).

Movie like that have to be at 1000% the whole time or it doesn't work.

I'm looking forward to Machete because I've heard that THAT is 1000% the whole way through.

Afterwards, Chris and I played a lot of Little Big Planet 2, which makes one feel better about the world.

Did not even have a chance to put in Dead Space 2 this weekend.

It will be there...it will wait...

A huge weekend, thoroughly enjoyable.

Jim and Jen are fast becoming good friends and Chris and I both look forward to spending more time with them.

Those muthafuckas KNOW how to party.

After all that I watched more West Wing.

Did you know that the President's daughter, Zoe, is Peggy Olsen (with better teeth) from Mad Men?

Weird...like time travel weird...

Anyway.

Yes.

I love the fishes...because they're so delishes

2.4.11

3:51 pm

Finally got all the components of my Birthday Bonanza up and running last night.

Wow.

The audio is incredible and the program is baffling.

I'll figure this out eventually...

Now I am on a quest to get some cool instruments, maybe some pedals, switches and other things I don't understand.

I found a way to connect and hear my keyboard through the Mbox, but not record it...

That is a problem which, I'm sure, can be solved by flipping a switch I can't find.

It turns out that you don't record your voice by clicking "Record", no.

You click "Record", then "Play" THEN you're recording.

Now that just seems...I don't know...extraneous, yeah?

Whatever.

If it's good enough for Reznor, it's good enough for me.

The Fragile, here I come.

While I've been watching The West Wing, I decided to check out an episode of Studio 60, the most recent Sorkin TV venture.

I can clearly see the Sorkin writing, but Amanda Peet?

Who made that choice?

I mean, she's delivering these clever Sorkin zingers and batting around the solid Sorkin dialogue, but...it's like she's speaking a foreign language, like none of this wit is at home in her mouth.

I only watched the first episode and I might go further, but I really don't see the need, especially since everyone spoke so poorly of it.

I finished One By One a few days ago and spoke about it with Phil.

He is planning on going back and revising/editing some parts, which is good as I think it has potential.

I went from his book to Perdido Street Station.

Man is this a fully realized world.

This China guy (aside from looking like a power top bouncer at a gay bar) can write!

I'm only a bit into the book, but it's just spellbinding.

Very much looking forward to diving deeper.

This is going to be a full weekend, Saturday I'm recording with Ray for a book trailer and then partying with Jen and Jim for the Chinese New Year; and Sunday, well, Sunday is going to be me and Christina playing Little Big Planet 2 until we die.

And maybe eating some more arroz con pollo, which, sadly, didn't turn out as perfect as in New Mexico, most likely because we used white rice instead of yellow rice.

Live and learn.

It is still good though.

All right.

Off with you.