8.31.2010

Bonch? Boonch? What?


8.31.10
3:45 pm
Fuck you, August.
I'll see you hell, you cockwhore.
Anyway.
I had forgotten about Ok Go until a day or so ago and I looked to see if they'd put anything out since their second album "Oh No".
Turns out they have!!!
It's called "Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky" and it's really a departure from what they've done thus far.
Some very interesting stuff and some stuff that is a little too interesting to be good, dig?
Like, maybe a bit too experimental for the guys that wrote "Get Over It", which might be the poppiest song evarLOL!!!11!.
Everything was distorted at one time or another: vocals, drums, guitars, bass, sometimes everything all at once which was just too much.
The only song I totally dug was called 'White Knuckles", but I'll give it another listen or two.
Probably.
Also happened to swing by the Social Network web site (http://www.500millionfriends.com/) to hear the first results from the Reznor/Ross collaboration. Some NIN fans/hackers discovered it's called "Hand Covers Bruise (no piano)" (leading one to believe there's a version out there...with piano). Feels a bit like Ghosts meets the Quake soundtrack. It's very dark and moody. Thing is, I'm concerned about how the hell they're going to make this music work with the film without making it seem overwrought.
We are just talking about Facebook here and "Hand Covers Bruise" seems a bit...I don't know...much?*
Whatever the case, I'll be there, Day One.
Another thing I'ma try to be Day One for is this new zombie game.
It's called Dead Rising 2.
Think one guy, trapped in a Las Vegas (although they're called it Fortune City) overrun by zombies. Anything you can put your hands on it a weapon.
Apparently there's a sense of humor to the game, but I'm not there for that.
I'm there for the fact that you're surrounded by literally thousands of zombies at once.
In fact, the PS3 version will be able to pack 7,000 individual zombies on the screen at once.
7000! That's almost 10,000!!
So yeah.
My sweetest dream is of a game the size of GTA IV with the graphics of Heavy Rain and the car/driving ability of Burnout Paradise in Manhattan during the Zombie Apocalypse.
You find lots of cars, obviously, but hardly any with gas in them. You find little bits of gas here and there and stockpile it so, when you find a car, you can fill it up and try it out, but only until you ran out of gas in a minute or so or made a wrong turn and found a street clogged with abandoned cars.
I think an MMO might be best, but that's far too much work for someone to do.
I'd need a team of hundreds.
Anyone have a team of hundreds?
Call me...
I want your hundreds.
Had an audition earlier today where they wanted a brain that sounded like Denis Leary.
I gave them what they wanted, but probably to no avail.
Bastards.
I have something tomorrow for a TV VO about...I don't know, some goddamn thing where they want me to be conversational, smart, confident, not announcery, friendly.
Yak.
Yak shit on yak balls.
Out.
*Unless there's a moment in the movie when someone's hand is covering a bruise and they play it then.

8.26.2010

This Things I Believe *


8.26.10
3:44 pm
My milk starts to go bad in three days.
Last night I watched the movie Little Children.
It was very Happiness.
Like comedy so black it wasn't really comedy.
It wasn't as funny as Happiness and there were less so-awkward-you-die moments, but it shared several elements, including the actress that played Joy in Happiness. She was doing her usual fragile, damaged, birdlike thing. In fact, based on what she said in Little Children, this might have actually been the character from Happiness.
And, knowing that, the terrible thing that happens to her is made hilarious (in a Happiness sort of way...it's still pretty horrible no matter how you slice it).
The actor that played Rorschach in Watchmen plays a child molester (exposing yourself to kids, that's child molesting, right? There's not some other, more PC term?) and does a great job of it, not over the top at all. Just as in Happiness, the film doesn't seek to make the child molester look bad (something not all that hard to do) but to humanize him, not that he was falsely accused or anything, he did what he was accused of and does some stuff in this movie that is hella creepy.

An odd addition, maybe from the book, I'm not sure, was the voice of a narrator. It was sparsely used, but a bit distracting at times.
In the end, everything that needs to happen happens (sort of) and everyone learns a lesson, usually a painful one.
Jennifer Connelly looks a little like an alien in it and Kate Winslet is getting more and more naked.
Both are...off putting in their own special ways.
Before I watched Little Children, I tried to watch the latest entry in the Romero Dead Trilogy**, Survival of the Dead.
*sigh*
When Land of the Dead came out, Philip happened to be in New York so we went and saw it in the theaters. This was the first Romero "Dead" movie since Day of the Dead and we were jazzed.
Mr. Zombie was adding a fourth installment to his pivotal, genre-defining series.
And it blew dead goats.
A lot of the effects were digital, bad digital, a HUGE slap in the face to the practical magic of Tom Savini, the plot was vaguely interesting until you met the larger than life characters and found out that THE ZOMBIES WERE LEARNING AND REMEMBERING.
George...no they weren't.
They CAN'T.
That's the point, they are an unstoppable army of corpses, they aren't remembering shit!
They are here to consume you and your shitty retcon!
So that was a bummer.
The guy who started a movement, succumbing to the clichés plaguing that movement.
Years later (about ten after the Blair Witch Project shocked and terrified the nation), Mr. Romero thought it would be cool to meld two dead things (zombies and first person perspective filmmaking) into one smelly bag of decay.
And he did so with Diary of the Dead.
*double sigh*
I downloaded this one and got exactly what I paid for.
A bunch of idiot kids decided that "people need to see this!!!!!!!!!!" and grab a camcorder, as if fucking anyone in the whole zombie-riddled world wasn't seeing this...
A side note, the kind of sentiment behind this, that people "need to see" the Zombie Apocalypse, that someone might have missed it, is the same sentiment behind people showing footage of the fucking Twin Towers going down while chanting "never forget". Who, in the blue FUCK, is going to forget something like this?!
Anyway, while on their journeys, this intrepid bunch of kids gets pulled over by some folks wearing Army uniforms (mistake number one in the world of the Zombie Apocalypse). They board their RV and take all their shit, then disappear. The movie continues to slouch on until it finally falls dead, its brain destroyed.
Then.
2010.
(Hopefully) the final sigh...Survival of the Dead.
*triple sigh*
Downloaded this one as well (call it a funny feeling...).
This movie is allll about those asshole solders who took those kids for everything they had.
I got about thirty minutes in before realizing I'd rather be killed and eaten by zombies than watch the rest.
Imagine a bad movie with a random character.
Now imagine a worse movie all about that random character?
These are the kind of movies that should NOT be made.
George, you listening?
Funny thing is, I used to work for the producer of these last few films, Peter Grunwald, and I could, conceivably, call him (I still have his cell) and just ask him why he thought these were a good idea.
I could.
Would it be a horrible, perhaps career ending move?
Perhaps.
But would it be funny?
Not as much as I'd think.
And plus, this guy knows Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, so I'm not jeopardizing that.
I'm one degree away from Shaun of the Dead, yo!
Can't fuck that up...
Anyway.
Don't watch any Romero movies with "dead" in the title if they were made after 1991.
Night of the Living Dead, the remake directed by Tom Savini, is excellent and is the last good zombie movie Romero is associated with, unless he had something to do with the Dawn of the Dead remake as well, which was also excellent.
Phil and I started writing a zombie movie while sitting in Doc Brown's on the upper east side one afternoon, but it devolved quickly when George Michael then Prince came on the jukebox and it became a satire seconds later.
One day, my friend...one day...
* Super obscure Simpsons reference = !!!POINTS!!!
**This one makes six.

8.25.2010

A Review of Eels' "Tomorrow Morning"

8.25.10
7:16 pm
 
A few months ago, E announced that the most recent albums (Hombre Lobo: 12 Songs of Desire and End Times) were the first and second parts of a trilogy. The final piece, Tomorrow Morning, is the polar opposite of the personal apocalypse which was the subject matter of End Times. This one all about hope and love and happiness and yeah, we get it. With this list of song titles, how could we not? Originally, I had made some predictions based on Hombre Lobo and End Times and I am happy to say I was mostly wrong. Sort of.
 
In Gratitude For This Magnificent Day
A simple, light and sweet instrumental floats in to assure the listener (if you couldn't tell from the bright pink cover featuring a solitary tree exploding with purple and white flowers) that everything is going to be fine. Not the most complex or compelling tune ever written by E, but a very clear message is expressed perfectly: it's time to be happy.
 
I'm A Hummingbird
Although the title invokes one of the most joyful (it looks joyful anyway) creatures on the planet, the music is a continually shifting susurration of low strings and nothing more. E speaks of everything being worth it to have reached this day and then declares himself a hummingbird, "beautiful and free". Hey, at least it's a simile. The simplicity works to bring focus to E words and this serves as a fitting intro to the most upbeat Eels album...EVER.
 
The Morning
A very simple track featuring E accompanied by only an organ (featuring some rising and falling electronic bloops eventually) which asks over and over why one wouldn't want to make the most of their day. The point is pretty much there from the start and not really complicated by, you know, a lot of lyrics.
 
Baby Loves Me
Finally, something that sounds as happy as its lyrics. The verses are lists of people that dislike E, ranging from neighbors that don't like his flowers to travel agents that cancel his trip to nice girls that think he's a dick, but the chorus redeems all that. "Baby loves me!/And she's smarter than you/My baby loves me!/Unlikely but true", declares E, with just enough self-deprecation to make it sincere. The music is also joyful, assembled from a tiny guitar riff, a couple of notes on a keyboard and a bass, a simple one-two drum machine beat and a constant burbling of electronics in the background like an underground spring. Eventually, a nice little synth flutter comes in and adds quite a bit to the feeling of this one. 
 
Spectacular Girl
Aside from its awful video (featuring a hot, female assassin for some odd reason), this is a really great Eels song. A straight up "let me list why I love this woman" kind of thing, but it utilizes all the right notes and instruments; mellow keyboards, soothing synth strings and a fun, summery drum beat. The first official single from the album, an obvious choice after only one listen.
 
What I Have To Offer
E plus a guitar can go one of two ways: an instant classic, a heartfelt Eels song or a throwaway, I-feel-like-I've-heard-this-before snoozer.
Even with the strings in the background, this is, sadly, more the latter than the former. Another problem is the reoccurrence of the listing device from "Baby Loves Me". The song is, literally, a list of the things E has to offer. A list that rhymes, but a list nonetheless. Oh well, not every song can be perfect.
 
This Is Where It Gets Good
To be trite, I'm going to go ahead and agree with the title of the song. Probably my favorite track on the album, it's a bit spare on lyrics, but it more than makes up for it with an intricate and well constructed beat. Clocking in at over six minutes (the longest Eels song ever), the first three feature solid lyrics while the rest is more of a jam session within the confines of the music. The integration of the organ and the bass guitar with the drum beat is excellent and compelling as all get out. Elements are continually added, making the song more and more catchy. And, although I could have used more lyrics, the extended outro is interesting enough not to be skipped.
 
After The Earthquake
Another simple instrumental, it resembles something from Blinking Lights or maybe even Daises of the Galaxy, "A Daisy Through Concrete" perhaps. A nice addition and short enough to stay fresh. 
 
Oh So Lovely
The feeling I get from this track is that of riding a Merry-Go-Round in the summer. It's so celebratory that one could imagine a forward thinking church of some kind adopting this as a devotional. Maybe. And, while it sounds a bit familiar at times, it's a good familiar. There's also a wonderful keyboard that comes into towards the end that gives it even more of a happy, circusy feel. E informs us "he just might stay a while", so I guess he's not going to kill himself anytime soon. Fingers crossed. 
 
The Man
Yet another lister. In this it's different people (new age guy with a yoga mat, Mr. Henry (?), the long haired hippy with the tie-dyed shirt, little skinhead with the tattooed face etc.) telling E he's the man. This song goes so far into the ridiculously saccharine territory that it's enjoyable. Others might not agree. And while the music is fine enough, nothing special, there is a great, energetic drum roll at the end of every musical phrase that is never carried through and it's a massive missed opportunity for this song to really take off.  Bummer.  
 
Looking Up
Eels performs a gospel song. As celebratory as a Baptist church on Sunday, all tambourines and hand claps, but, personally, I just can't find much reason to listen to this song. Sort of form without content. Not a bad song, just not for me.
 
That's Not Her Way
Slow, kind of morose sounding at times, musically it harkens back to "Agony" from Shootenanny. There's some nice guitar eventually, but this song doesn't really stand out. It's yet another one about how his girl is better than all others. Good for him. 
 
I Like The Way Things Are Going
This penultimate track is one of the most straightforward songs on the album. A guitar, a bass and E, talking about...yes, how he likes the way things are going. This is a bit thin musically and lyrically. "I like your toothy smile/it never fails to beguile/whichever way the wind is blowing/I like the way this is going". Really? This is Eels' 9th album and think E might be running out of words to sing.
 
Mystery of Life
Ah, yes, here we are. The bass and drum beat immediately remind one of "Your Lucky Day In Hell" from Eels' first album. The vocals are whispered in falsetto like some of the best Eels songs, but things fall apart when the chorus of women singing "la la la's" comes in.  I understand the idea of juxtaposition, but this is a bit much. The chorus actually takes away from the greatness of the verses and spoils what would have been a great closer.
 
As with End Times, Tomorrow Morning makes a point, then spends about an hour nailing it into your eye. And even though this album is about looking forward with optimism to the future, the point is still sharp. Too sharp. Also as with End Times, these songs lack the subtly that make earlier Eels albums so good. On the last one, E was sad. Sad sad sad sad. On this one? Well, E is happy. Happy happy happy happy. Hearing an artist say they're happy doesn't make me happy, just as hearing an artist say they're sad doesn't make me sad. It's the sadness or happiness in their voice or in their music that makes it real. This album is all sweet and no bitter, and that just isn't E. I'm not saying I want him to just Sad Bastard out, he did that with End Times and I was just as disappointed. He needs that balance back, or go so extreme that you can't help but get drawn in.
This is a good album, better than End Times and at least equal to Hombre Lobo and in the end, I can't complain. One of my favorite bands has released three full length (if one can really call between forty and fifty minutes full length) albums in fourteen months, however, if I had been given all three albums at once and told I could either see these released, one at a time over those fourteen months or have one album called The End of Tomorrow: 13 Songs with the best songs culled from all three, I probably would have gone with the latter.
Whatever the case, I'm looking forward to seeing Eels in a few weeks, and then hearing what E comes out with next.

8.24.2010

Wangle Dangle!!!


8.24.10
7:34 pm
I just knocked out about two months worth of Peter Fireheads.
And I feel like I've just eaten a Nutri-Grain bar.
Several of them address the coming seasonal shift.
The coming, welcomed seasonal shift.
Couple things.
First, today the new eels came out, but through some Everettian, timey wimey thing, I received my CD last Thursday and have had a few days with it.
I'll talk about that later.
Next, after watching...some movie with Chris last week, I forget which, I was reminded of the Michael Cera movie, Youth In Revolt and added it to our Netflix.
We watched that last night and it was pretty good.
Chock full of stars like Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, the mother from that thing, Zach Galifianakis, the guy in a bunch of Apatow movies who looks like the lovechild of Keanu Reeves and Anthony Kiedis, Fred Willard and a few others.
The problem I had with it is one of the problems I had with Juno: people the age of the characters in those movies (sixteen) are not that clever.
Especially not in America.
Ever.
They certainly think they are, but these kids weren't coming off clever to themselves and really sounding/acting like awkward lumps of unchecked hormones, they were clever.
I mean, sixteen year olds don't metacogitate and crack wise about their hormones, they try to put their penis in things.
Awkward? Oh my yes.
Michael "Reinventing The Wheel Of Awkward As A Stammering Square With Pimples" Cera is just as awkward as any sixteen year old boy with a thing for a girl could hope (or rather hope not) to be, and I believed it xmax, but clever? No. Sorry.
11th grade isn't that intellectual for anyone.
In the movie, Cera's character (Nick) creates an evil persona (which only he can see but who can pull a Tyler Durden and talk to and interact with other people and things) who does bad things in order to get closer to the girl he loves.
His alter ego, Francois, wears white pants and a hairline mustache, smokes and has bright blue eyes, not inhumanly so, just bright and blue.
With these contacts in, I am now fully convinced that Cera is somehow related to Beck.
Someone fetch me a genealogist.
Now.
I want to climb their family tree and bring down some coconuts.
Some coconuts with vacant, otherworldly stares and matching DNA.
Cear's Francois was totally different than anything I've seen him in.
As in: not awkward.
I'd love to see more like this from him, although I don't know why'd he do it as he has the Awkward thing locked down.
Aside from Youth In Revolt and thanks to the huge amount of shit on the Instant Netflix list, I have also been watching Jackass and Jackass-related stuff.
A lot of it.
That idiotic brainlessness still jerks tears from my eyes just like the first time I saw it.

Steve-O ruining his body for my entertainment?
Love it.
I won't go on much about it but, two words that will utterly unite anyone who was ever of fan of this odd phenomena or utterly deter them if they were not:
The Vomlet.
'Nuff said.
On the other end of the entertainment spectrum, I happened to turn on my radio around 9 p.m. on Sunday and I heard a simple and wonderful piano piece on WNYC.
Despite Christina's research abilities (four dots in a White Wolf campaign), she was unable to determine what it was.
So I called Listener Services and left a message, telling them what I had heard and when and leaving my name and number.
At about ten this morning, my phone rings showing "WNYC" as the caller.
I check the message and, bam, some nice lady named Loraine tells me the artist and album it was from.
Ten minutes later, thanks to stealing, I had it.
The artist is called Gonzales and the album is called "Solo Piano".
The whole thing isn't as good as what I heard, but everything on it lends a patina of class and nobility to whatever you're looking at while you're listen to it.
The subway suddenly reminds one of the romance and mystery of the worlds' railroads rather then a subterranean mobile toilet, the feces and buracho strewn trek from my stop to my job becomes a hotbed of underground poets and musicians, laboring away at their typewriters or in their makeshift home studios, creating the next amazing piece for the world to experience and celebrate, the dead-eyed retards slogging through their shifts at my job are now brave, hard-working people, struggling to raise their children up from the muck, to fulfill their potential.
Ah, the transcendent beauty and transformative magic of music...
Sliding back to the other end of the spectrum, I have watched the first and second seasons of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
Goodness gracious what an offensive show!
Pleasantly so though!
Haven't laughed out loud at a whole lot of it, but a few times my mirth has burst forth.
Danny DiVito is so...fucking...short...
Sometimes I can't handle it.
One last thing: there's this angry African dude named George who works here in housekeeping.
It's not as glamorous as you'd think...
He cleans the bathrooms every night and, when he does, it sounds as if he's actually wrestling the entire room, fighting the piss and shit and filth.
It's horribly disconcerting when one wants to make a wee.
All right.
Dismissed.

8.18.2010

The Fuckest Upest


8.18.10
4:42 pm
Jumping right the hell in.
Nothing.
NOTHING in the world could have prepared me for Cube Zero...
It wasn't shit.
At least not compared to Cube and Hypercube.
It was still pretty bad on its own with a plothole or two that really can't be ignored, but not nearly as apocalyptically shitty as I had expected.
Way to go, Ernie Bambaras or whatever your name is.
One or two of the actors could actually act.
It was....weird.
And there was a really fun, if slightly over the top, character that showed up at one point.
I would certainly not recommend this to anyone.
Now, the important stuff: how the hell do I gain a sense of objectivity with regards to my five favorite bands?
Or anything I gush over, for that matter?
Do I read reviews and compare notes?
Do I assume that no one gives a shit about the things I give a shit about as much as I give a shit about them?
What about people who are MORE into the stuff I'm into than me?
What the fuck?
Example: I own all of They Might Be Giants' albums and have seen them about 50 times since 1998.
FIFTY times in twelve years.
That's a lot, right?
But what about the person who has seen them fifty times in eight years?
Or fifty times in a year?
Or fifty times in six months?
I suppose the word "relatively" will crop up here, a la, I am a big fan on my own, but a relatively small one compared to those people who have seen them hundreds of times.
But what about regular people?
I have brought a few people who weren't huge TMBG fans to TMBG shows and, unless they were just lying to not hurt my feelings, they enjoyed themselves.
Bottom line: How good is the music I'm listening to?
I'm almost one hundred percent certain that the answer, for all five bands and most of the other stuff, is "not nearly as good as I'd like to think".
Otherwise more people would like them, right?
The shows would be in bigger venues, the songs would be played on the radio more, the tickets would cost more, the albums would leak earlier, there'd be more merch, right?
Thing is, I can pretty much envision what I'd do with the answers I seek; most likely I'd shrug, think, "well, that's your opinion" and listen to "The Fragile" for the three thousandth time.
Hm.
Segueing nicely from that line of jibbering...for some reason, the new Eels has leaked yet.
I swung over to Amazon and found they had thirty second clips from each song up there, so I figured, "I'm obsessed, let's do this" and I checked them out.
This is going to be the most varied of the three albums, sonically, but as far as lyrically, I think we might still be looking at some straightforward stuff.
Oh well.
Three albums in less than two years though?
Gift horse, let's skip the dentist and get you some cotton candy.
And, as I've said, it isn't like these are shit; they aren't my favorites, especially "End Times", but there's great stuff scattered here and there.
About a month until they come to NYC.
No one got tickets so I'm going it alone.
I hate that.
So goddamn boring, but at least E always finds really weird substitutes for openers.
Apparently, at their first gig on this tour, he hired a really awful ventriloquist.
THAT is an exciting prospect.
I suppose we'll see.
I have stuck to my promise about not seeking out setlists or bootlegs until after I've seen them.
And speaking of seeing them: Cake is coming in about three weeks and those cranky eco-fags haven't put out the fucking album they're meant to be promoting.
I have to wonder if they left their record label or if they were kicked off it.
I could honestly see them leaving because the company refused to print their CDs on papyrus or something.
Honestly, Britney Spears switching to carbon free CDs would have an impact, like it or not, she sells millions of the things, but Cake?
What do they sell, like 100,000 CDs every decade?
You aren't important enough to change anything, Cake, you might as well make the music and distribute it before all your fans have lost interest.
Which probably won't happen.
They sold out Terminal 5 last year.
And I don't really think people would join me in boycotting a band for being too whiny and trying to be less harmful to the environment.
Then again, what do you think is more important to Cake fans, the planet or Cake's music?
Be honest.
If not with me, then at least with yourselves.
Had an audition that was an excellent opportunity for massive exposure and a nice piece of money today, but I don't have very high hopes.
Why?
Just because.
I'll let you know though.
And then there's Philip, out there somewhere being eaten by wolves.
Will and I were discussing the fact that he was probably totally unprepared for this camping/hiking trip, bringing such food items as a cheese wheel, but, then again, a wolf or bear or puma attacking you will probably go after a cheese wheel before going after freeze-dried tomato paste and you.
So, well played, Mr. Tucker, well played.
We all look forward to your safe return.
And also your purchasing of tickets to New Mexico.
And remember to renew your passport(s) before you go to the airport to leave for Colombia.
You stupid bastard.
Bring me back a pelt.
Bring us all back a pelt.

8.16.2010

Gaijin Frog


8.16.10
7:02 pm
This weekend, I watched both Cube (1997) and the sequel, Cube 2: Hypercube.
Now, most people would have thought that adding "hyper" tot he name of as movie for its sequel would be stupid.
In 99.9% of such occurrences, it is, but, as I'm sure a few people know, a hypercube is a real thing.
Theoretically speaking.
It's also called a tesseract.
It's basically a fourth dimensional cube.
Just look it up.
Anyway, I always remembered the acting in Cube to have been over the top, ridiculously so.
The idiot savant character who hoots and wails occasionally is the most subtle actor in it.
Everyone else is screaming for no reason or brooding or glaring or other such things along those lines.
They are not very good actors.
WHICH SUCKS because the idea of Cube is awesome.
I know it's only been 13 years, but I'd like to see a remake with some good practical effects, some good actors and a modicum of subtle CGI.
The sets are easy as fuck, you have two different rooms that people move into and out of merely lit differently.
It would actually be a nice challenge for a director who is known for big or flashy sets.
Like Spielberg.
Steven Spielberg should direct the remake of Cube.
You heard it hear first.
Also, the music, what there was of it, was awful.
There was a repeated "theme" of someone whispering backwards and then, as percussion, someone saying, "ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta".
Yeah.
Again, great, interesting premise that should have been sold to a company with some money.
Next up was Hypercube.
Again, REALLY interesting concept, carried out horribly by shitty actors.
In the first one, these people were trapped in a massive cube made up of identical rooms, some traps, some not, with doors on each side leading into the next room. It was implied that this was some government experiment in fucking with people.
And it worked.
But in the second one, it was more of a mind fuck because these eight terrible actors were trapped in a theoretical construct. And yes, there were alternate realities.
As in, these people would run into themselves in some horrible situation because this place was looping back on itself with probabilities and that.
It was a fun idea, botched horribly by a parade of stereotypes.
Including:
  • The "Hot" Girl (C-list hot girls are anything but)...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!
  • The Dorky Smart Guy (they actually had him wearing glasses and a sweater vest over a tucked in blue Oxford button down shirt)
  • The Rough-and-Tumble Private Eye (played by the guy from "Forever Knight", proving once and for all that just because you're the star of your own television show, you might still have to do a C-lister film shot in Canada someday)
  • The Hacker/Slacker (He was wearing a flannel, jeans and said "No way man!" about 18 times)
  • The Peacekeeping Heroine...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
  • The Crazy Old Lady...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
  • The Blind Girl...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
  • The Guy Directly Involved With The Project Who Has All The Answers Who Dies In The First Three Minutes, After A Stunningly Awkward Reference To The First Movie.
All the rooms looked exactly the same this time and the traps were a lot more...well, mathy than before.
At the end, the structure (because it was theoretical, remember) collapses on itself and everyone dies of old age but one character who, after her twist, turns out to have been working for the makers of the hypercube the whole time.
The next movie arriving from Netflix tomorrow?
Cube Zero.
The prequel.
Finally, I'll get some answers.
Oh I hope they have little hidden references to the other two films...
Hey, Hollywood, REMAKE THIS! NOT YOGI BEAR! YOU FUCKS!
Don't worry everyone, once I arrive there, it's the first meeting I'll have.
And the cube will be narrated by Morgan Freeman.
Aside from gleaming the ice this weekend, I played the holy hell out of Scott Pilgrim vs.. The World: The Game.
Such memories of time spent with Simrall playing the holy hell out of Streets of Rage 2...
Good times.
And, like the movie, Brian Lee O'Malley (creator of Scott Pilgrim) was creative consultant, so while the game is, for the most part, a video game version of the books, there are some wonderful video game tropes that get thrown in.
Just lovely.
Certainly worth ten measly dollars.
Now I just need someone to play co-op with me.
It's local like the old school TMNT and X-Men arcade games, so, I need you to be there...
Hm.
Really no one except Colin that I know of would have any interest.
Hm.
Bummer.
Also, I had an excellent dream in which I hung out with Bowie at his house.
Not his real one, the one that I imagine he lives in.
The one I imagine him living in is MUCH cooler than any brownstone in the Village, by the by.
Finally, Will...did you get that...thing I sentcha?
Seriously, if it's not there by the end of the week, it's time for me to make some phone calls...

8.14.2010

The Wrath of Flare

Tracked down an interview with Abrams where they actually asked him about the lens flares.

"I'm curious to hear more about why you decided to use so many lens flares, and exactly when you decided to use them?
[Smiles] I don't know what you're talking about. [Laughs] I'm kidding. I know what you're saying with the lens flares. It was one of those things... I wanted a visual system that felt unique. I know there are certain shots where even I watch and think, "Oh that's ridiculous, that was too many." But I love the idea that the future was so bright it couldn't be contained in the frame.
The flares weren't just happening from on-camera light sources, they were happening off camera, and that was really the key to it. I want [to create] the sense that, just off camera, something spectacular is happening. There was always a sense of something, and also there is a really cool organic layer thats a quality of it. They were all done live, they weren't added later. There are something about those flares, especially in a movie that can potentially be very sterile and CG and overly controlled. There is something incredibly unpredictable and gorgeous about them. It is a really fun thing. Our DP would be off camera with this incredibly powerful flashlight aiming it at the lens. It became an art because different lenses required angles, and different proximity to the lens. Sometimes, when we were outside we'd use mirrors. Certain sizes were too big... literally, it was ridiculous. It was like another actor in the scene....
We had two cameras, so sometimes we had two different spotlight operators. When there was atmosphere in the room, you had to be really careful because you could see the beams. So it was this ridiculous, added level of pain in the ass, but I love... [looking at] the final cut, [the flares] to me, were a fun additional touch that I think, while overdone, in some places, it feels like the future is that bright."
Okay.
1. They aren't unique, they're annoying student film accidents that arty fucks have SOMEHOW managed to convince the masses are "indie".
2. So...there aren't any dimmer switches in the future? Suck.
3. Silly filmmaker, the spectacular thing should be happening ON camera! Silly duck!
4. ...two people shining spotlights into the cameras...you paid...TWO people to shine spotlights into the cameras...I...I honestly can't even find something stupid to say about that because ALL THE STUPID THERE IS WAS USED UP BY THAT FACT. You dick.

Anyway, I feel satisfied that it wasn't just me and infuriated by the fact that this wangtree thought t was a "fun" addition.
Now I'm done.

A Quick Aside

My friend Will asked me if I had heard anything good about the Amanda Palmer covering Radiohead with nothing but a ukulele album.
Personally, I have problems with her.
I've met her a few times and, even before she "blew up" by opening for NIN, she came off as a superungrateful bitch.
Yes, that has colored the following response, but not by much.
I also hate the fact that she is now associated with Neil Gaiman.
I hope her hands fall off.
Anyway, here's the aforementioned response:

"WILL.
I have just downloaded that Amanda Palmer thing you asked about out of a sense of vague, morbid curiosity.
I listened to about ten seconds of one song and have this to report:
It is garbage.
It's unlistenable caterwauling.
It's isn't worth $ .84 which shouldn't be a problem because I don't have a clue why anyone would want to hear it.
It will make you want to contact Thom Yorke and have him sue her.
She is awful.
And her voice, unaccompanied by anything but a uke?
I'd rather hear all my thoughts spoken by a combination of L'il Marky and HST at his trilliest.
Avoid like International Diarrhea.
And FYI, I illegally downloaded it.
That's right, I wouldn't waste the price of half a cup of coffee at Starbucks on this trash.
Amanda, you are a howling toad hog."

8.13.2010

Live Long and Lens Flare


8.13.10
6:01 pm
How come nobody ever dressed up like Jason Voorhees* on Friday the 13th and just gets nuts with a machete?
Seems like a waste of...something.
Not sure what, but a waste nonetheless.
I get this vague feeling of loss when I think about it.
Hm.
Anypoo, last night I watched The Shawshank Redemption for the first time in a while.
Might have mentioned this before, but I believe it's one of my favorite movies of all time.
There is NOTHING wrong with it.
It's, to me anyway, the perfect film.
Every actor, every character, everything.
And yes, I understand there are a few cozy coincidences, such as the walls being made of dust, the main character getting a corner cell, the outside wall of the cell overlooking a pipe just the right size for him to squeeze out through and that wonderfully well-timed thunderstorm happening at just the right moment in the character's arc, but, fuck you.
It's perfect.
I don't care how much of an asshole Tim Robbins is in real life, he's earned it.
If I were him and someone started calling me a prima donna or whatever horribly barbed insult people are hurling at actors these days, I would just yell, "Have you even seen Shawshank Redemption?!"
Seriously, it would be my Hollywood Get-Out-Of-Jail Free card.
For instance, Christian Bale, while a very good actor, hasn't had a Shawshank Redemption (and his Batman voice is a bit silly), and therefore has no right to throw his grandmother down a flight of stairs or scream at the lighting guy or whatever.
Not yet.
But if Tim Robbins did that?
Shit, people would be like, "Why is the lighting guy fucking with him? Hasn't he seen Shawshank Redemption?" and "Why is his grandmother being such an unreasonable bitch? Remember when he has to crawl through that shit tunnel?"
And Morgan Freeman?
Do NOT get me started about THIS motherfucker.
His voice is like a warm hug from a creature made from velvet and fresh apple pie smell.
Listening to him is like drowning in a sea of friendly rabbits.
But he can be stern as well.
I wonder if his grandchildren realize how fucking lucky they are when Pop Pop Morgan comes to read them a bed time story.
Probably not.
Little assholes.
And those are just the two main characters.
Clancy Brown as Byron Hadley, the head guard?
God damn that man can play evil.
Not only is he Lex fucking Luthor, but the Kurgan? The evil priest from Carivale? Shit, nig, this man is like the Wu Tang Clan,  NOT to be fucked with.
He beat that fat guy to death for NO reason.
OG, motherfucker, OG.
And the Warden?
Man, cold as ICE, bitch!
He put Tim Robbins in solitary for TWO MONTHS after killing his son figure AND his only way out of a life sentence?!
Suicide was too good for that dickbag.
At least he appeared religious so that's some tasty irony.
Dickbag.
But, again, that's just four characters, while none of the others are quite  as featured or important, they all do a great job.
Hello, William Sadler?
Jeffery DeMunn?
That fucking guy they got to play Elmo Blatch?! He was on screen for about one minute, but his performance is so...chilling!
God!
If you haven't seen this movie in a while, buy it and watch it again.
If you've never seen it?
Seriously, what the fuck?
How are you breathing?
I'll buy you a pack of gum and show you how to chew it! Whoo!
Like Andy DeFrane says, "You gotta get busy living or get busy dying."
And if you haven't seen this movie, you are dying.
You.
Right now.
Are DYING.
And, tying everything back into the title of this little oil slick, I also watched J.J. Abrams' Star Trek last night.
I have never seen an episode of Star Trek in my life.
I know, through the myriad of pop culture references and parodies through the years, more than enough to understand the plot and get the more basic fan nods.
Kirk is a bar brawlin' devil-may-care punk ass, McCoy is gruff and says, "Damn it, ______! I'm a doctor, not a ______!", Spock is into logic and everyone else is a minority (Russian, Chinese, Scottish etc.).
These were enough to find this film massively enjoyable.
The casting of Zachery Quinto as Spock was at once both inspired and obvious.
Inspired if you've never seen Heroes, obvious if you have.
Kirk, Sulu, Ohura and Chekov?
Whatever, I'm sure fan boys cared more than me.
But Simon Pegg as the angry Scotsman?
Very tasty.
And the plot?
Meh, it's a big summer movie centering around the Many Worlds Theorem.
Big whoop.
Not bad, not G.I. Joe or Transformers or anything, but it kind of made me want to watch BSG again.
All in all, a tight, fun, well done movie.
Except for the lens flares.
Here is when to use a lens flare:
1. When you need to sort of cover the identity of someone with the sun behind their head.
Other than that?
You don't put them into a film.
And I'm not just talking about the action sequences, with the lasers and explosions, I'm talking about the quiet-talk-in-a-dimly-lit-room scene, the emotional-moment-in-a-stopped-elevator scene, the IN-A-DARK-UNDERGROUND-CAVE SCENE.
There was not ONE scene I can remember where I wasn't squinting at the screen because of these goddamn things.
I felt like someone was sitting behind my television with a fucking Mag Lite having a seizure.
J.J., what in the FUCK were you trying to achieve?
Can someone seriously find me an interview or an article?
I've seen his other stuff, namely, Lost, Cloverfield and Fringe.
No abundance of flares in either Cloverfield or Lost that I can recall.
In Fringe there are some here and there (usually when there's, you know, a visible light source), but not anywhere near as aggressively, distractingly in your face as in Star Trek. 
There was a fist fight between Spock and Kirk and it looked like it took place at a fucking rave.
I didn't know who'd won until someone straight up fucking said, "Spock, that's enough, you've won."
It sounds like a small thing, but it actually ended up taking me out of the movie.
Based on the fact that there was none of this bullshit in his early work, some in Fringe and a fuckton in Star Trek, I'm assuming Super 8 is going to be primarily a strobe light pointed at a camera with occasional CGI Lovecraft monsters tossed in every 23 minutes**.
Anyway.
I'll gladly see the sequel, maybe while wearing blinders or something.
Tomorrow, I am Brunching with B.J., Lisa and B.J.'s lady friend and maybe some other random person.
Then, perhaps more sleep as today was a hell of a busy one for me with two auditions (both more worthless than used toilet paper), broken sleep and a solid shift from 4:30 to 11.
I know I don't DO anything, but that can really take it out of you, yeah?
Might also see Scott Pilgrim for money this time.
I'll be happy to pay for it as I have recently TOTAL immersed myself in the world of this work.
After seeing the movie, I read the books, downloaded the soundtrack AND score (mostly Nigel Godrich doing original stuff on the latter, most of it pretty great) and, as of last night, I own the video game, which is a total old school gas.
The Onion reviewed the movie and gave it a C+, saying that it's hollow, great moment to moment, but unsatisfying as a whole, but fuck them.
They aren't always right because they're snarky.
I almost think might have given it a shit score because it's too much of an Onion movie and people were probably expecting a big, sloppy kiss from the review. 
Whatever, it's fun as hell and as stylish as any Edgar Wright work, maybe more so.
Go see it.
It'll dangle your bangle xmax, I promise you.
And finally, I was between books, just having finishing Anno Dracula, which was given to me by Christina.
Enjoyable, but I found it got a bit bogged down by all the historical accuracy. If misused, historical accuracy can be more harmful as a badly placed library research chapter.
I had read a few pages of Will Shetterly's Cats Have No Lord because Chris rants about the man and he makes a mean vegetarian frittata, but, after only a few pages I was having second thoughts.
I floated around, bookless for a day or so, then had an urge to re-read Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas.
Man, what a romp.
If even half these things are true...just, man, what a romp.
I think the closest thing I've done to "running a savage burn" on a hotel was leaving a letter addressed to John"The Smuggler" Linnell at the front desk of the Trump Plaza, then taking the elevator up to the 16th floor and running down the fire stairs before I was caught.
Will will back me up.
We were two wild and crazy guys.
Or the time I refused to pay the eight dollar fine or whatever to sign Will and Phil into my dorm after 11pm (a jerk off rule if ever there was one) so we wandered around New York City from midnight to six, asking a magazine guy which was the most popular porno mag (Latin Inches, mostly purchased by "happy men"), getting sort of mugged by a scrawny black dude in front of where the ESPN Zone would someday be and sitting under the Citicorp building, just existing.
Not quite kidnapping a teenager, filling her full of acid and then dropping her off a some random hotel, but fun.
It's quite astounding to see how much of the book, verbatim, appears in the movie.
I'm probably going to watch that again after I finish the book.
You actually know what the fuck is happening in the movie after you've read the book.
It's like a Bablefish.
All right.
I'm gonna go fondue with cheddar. 
*"Voorhees" was in Spell Check. Way to go, Microsoft.
** You vigintitresologist fuck knob, you.

8.11.2010

NOW We Know


8.11.10
4:02 pm
I am loving my new set up.
So, you know how I just left my mattress on the living room floor Saturday night?
Well, it's still there and I'm digging the hell out my new set up..
It's cooler in the living room, the floor is better for my back and I can eat, watch stuff, play stuff and sleep ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!!!
I am now a squatter in my own home.
Also I may be becoming agoraphobic.
Or veal.
Anyway.
One of the things I was watching was a British sketch comedy show called That Mitchell and Webb Look. It stars the two guys who write and star in Peep Show, David Mitchell and Robert Webb.
It's unlike a lot of sketch shows I've seen because the sketches are, for the most part, short, so you get a lot more out of an episode.
I believe my favorite sketch is The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.
In a nutshell, it's Robert Webb with one of those camera rigs from "Requiem for a Dream" that keeps the wearer dead center while everything around him is spinning and whirling about.
He plays this insane hobo type guy.
There's no way my description does it justice.
You should just check it out.
I watched the whole first season in one sitting Monday night, then I downloaded the second and third (they are airing the fourth now). While I was looking for it, I found something called That Mitchell and Webb Sound (as well as a book called, yes, This Mitchell and Webb Book), which is a radio show adaptation of the TV show with about 90% new stuff and 10% of stuff from the show, just redone.
That is another thing I love about the BBC.
If something is good, it goes multimedia.
Books and radio as well as television.
These people still have an interest and respect for radio that the U.S. is sorely lacking.
Radio in the U.S sucks donkey cock.
But Little Britain, Mighty Boosh, TMAWL and other Brit-Coms all have radio shows based on their TV shows.
I love that.
Fucking Yanks.
I really do think I should just move to the UK and become Mr. Radio.
But I'm uncomfortable around Stonehenge.
And Crouch End.
Here is a taste of That Mitchell and Webb Look: Now We Know
Finally, last night I came home to find the PlayStation Store had updated (as it does every Tuesday) with something called "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: The Game".
On the occasion of the Watchmen movie and the Kick-Ass movie, they also released downloadable games based on each.
Watchmen was fun for a bit, then got reeeally repetitive and Kick-Ass was just a piece of shit.
So my hopes we low for Scott Pilgrim, which made me sad because the books had a lot of character and the movie had character gushing from every orifice, and making a smaller video game out of that would be a perfect fit.
They had a demo up so I check it out and it blew my fucking mind.
It is the PERFECT adaptation for the books and movie.
Perfect.
It's a fully 8-bit, side-scrolling brawler with several elements of a class RPG (HP, XP, stats etc.).
It has characters, in-jokes and locations from the books.
It's honestly like an 1080p Nintendo game.
Ridiculous fun.
All for $10.
I have NEVER been this excited about a video game based on a movie based on a comic.
Planning on buying that this evening.
And playing it while sitting on my bed.
Anything else?
Waiting for Will's Birthday present to arrive.
Sure hope he likes dead panda bears.
Also waiting for Phil and Grace to buy their tickets to New Mexico.
Gotta send that book back...hm...
Having lunch with B.J. the Bruce this weekend.
Probably going to the Afterparty.
Need condoms.
Done.