11.30.2011

End of the Month Music Bitchfest - November

It's Stove Top, bitch.
 
Nine Inch Nails
On November 17th, Reznor posted that he had just finished sequencing the Dragon Tattoo score...and that it clocks in at two hours and forty minutes.
Then, on November 18th he took that back and said, with transitions, it was no clocking in at two hours and fifty five minutes.
Which means I was wrong when I postulated that this was to be a double album.
It's going to be a triple album.
If he releases one more triple album before the end of the year...he'll officially be Prince.
He also states that more information will be available on December 2nd and the Internet Rumor Mill states that the score itself will be out on December 5th.
Right after this is posted.
Dick.
Based on the way things went down with the Social Network score, this is probably going to include some free tracks from the score, the complete tracklisting (replete with ridiculously overwrought titles) and purchase/pre-order options.
Fingers crossed for another Blu-Ray with a 5.1 mix on it...
 
And the music on Comes Forth In The Thaw dot com continues to evolve weekly.
Once the album comes out, these songs will appear in their final versions, static, unchanging, but, now, on this site, people get to experience something like an exploded view of this new music as it changes and develops into something different.
It makes one feel like they're a part of something living as opposed to just a consumer buying a product.
 
In addition to his news about finishing the score, Reznor states that, with Dragon Tattoo out the door to be mastered, he's 100% focused on mixing the full length How To Destroy Angels album.
Let us give thanks...and pray it's out before 2013.
Amen.
 
Beck
Listen up, you goddamn hippy asshole...cut your hair and get a job.
Then release some fucking music.
Stoner.
 
They Might Be Giants
Between the more or less solid "Album Raises New And Troubling Questions" and their eternal, insufferable touring, these guys are doing what they should.
And, in a little over two months, I'll be in California to see them doing it.
 
Eels
You know, the epic nature of THREE albums in FOURTEEN MONTHS still has yet to lose its luster. That plus everything else that's going on (see entry for Nine Inch Nails), I'm totally willing to give E another few months. Enjoy, you sullen, bearded bastard, enjoy.
 
Cake
Something.
Actually something.
Something small, but something nonetheless.
Cake is shooting a video to their third and, most likely, final single from their January 2011 release, Showroom of Compassion, "Moustache Man (Wasted)".
They sent out a call for men and women with moustaches and those creepy rape-vans from the 70's that often times have murals painted on the sides.
Should be a fun one.
Cake's music videos are pretty hit or miss, but those that hit, hit well.
And they are still touring, mostly the West Coast.
No news about that (fake) new album they mentioned back in May. 
 
In other news...
Marilyn Manson regained consciousness in a small, cardboard box, croaked once, broke wind, then passed out again.
 
Garbage is still doing whatever bands actually do in that huge gulf of time between the completion of their album and its release. Photo shoots, interviews, hair appointments, ...buying...jars of...hands...
Look, just put the fucking thing out already.
It's done.
You're not going to suddenly garner more fans in five months.
If people like you and/or remember you, they'll listen, if not, they won't.
If the album is great, new listeners will hear about it and join the party.
Word of mouth, you silly bitches, WORD OF MOUTH.
JFC*... 
You came out in 1995, disappeared for six years and now you're back.
Just make an amazing album, that's all you can really do.
 
The Charlotte Gainsbourg double album, Stage Whisper, is coming out on December 13th.
One disc is a live CD and the other is b-sides and leftovers from various places, including her "IRM" sessions, featuring the closest thing to new Beck music that anyone will hear ever again.
Which is sad, but good...like a priest having an orgasm.
 
Tweaker still has that sassy little message (tweaker will return in 2011) up on their home page, but, you know, that's kind of milky.
I mean...technically, since all the members of the group are still alive, they never really went anywhere and as they have been making new Tweaker music in 2011, then, yes, Tweaker has returned in 2011...but...well...is the album coming out in 2011 or what?
Vrenna has posted a few times that "you are going to love the guests on the new album". and yeah, obviously he thinks that.
I mean, is he really going to be like, "Well...we're happy, but you all might have some doubts..."?
Underneath that post is a link to their (oddly) still active "vote for who you want on the new Tweaker album" poll.
Nine Inch Nails has 51 votes, and everyone else has 13 or under.
I wonder if Tweaker will take the hint...
What they're missing, friends, is clarification.
And you know how much I hates that.
A much.
A so much.
That's how much I hates that.
Hopefully, in our next Bitchfest, we'll have a brand new Tweaker album to complain about.

Cavalcade of Link
The Null Corporation (come December 2nd, shits gonna go OFF)
 
12.1.11
12:38 am
ADDENDUM!!!!!!
Two things:
First, Chris Vrenna left Marilyn Manson (ther band, not the unconscious self-aggrandizing flop) which is great and the three-disc "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" score is available for pre-order on amazon.com for $27.50 right now. It will be released (on disc) on the 27th of December.

 
 3:14 am
Just as I fucking thought...I post this and all hell breaks loose...
So, Reznor tweeted that he and some others are working on packaging for all SIX vinyls and THEN How To Destroy Angels tweeted that they've contributed a cover of Bryan Ferry's "Is Your Love Strong Enough?" to the fucking soundtrack as well.
Hey...go buy this thing when it's out....assholes...

 
 
 
 
 
*Jesus Fucking Christ (patent pending)

BEACH GAME!!!!

11.30.11
3:22 pm
 
Recently, I watched Danny Boyle's "The Beach".
It should have been titled "Someone Took A Shit On The Beach".
Because watching it was the equivalent of stepping in a pile of sand-covered feces on a beach...for two hours.
Danny Boyle earned a hell of a lot of cred with "Trainspotting" and lost it all on this bag of balls.
From the random character choices made by characters you didn't care about to all the pointless yelling and then the fact that the idea of paradise is a bunch of smelly hippies with an unlimited supply of weed.
Yes.
Paradise is a commune, folks.
Run by Tilda Swinton, perhaps the strangest-looking woman in Hollywood...although she was great in "Constantine".
And, at the end of the movie, all the poor, life-is-too-hard-man-so-just-roll-up-a-joint-and-let-the-sun-GOOOOOOO-BAYBEEEE!!!! stoners have to leave their sticky, green Shangri La and return to the real world.
Total bummer, dude.
I'm sure once they reconnect with their respective dealers though, that life will be a little easier.
And thank goodness for that.
I'm willing to wave away this fart of a movie simply because everything else this guy has done has been great and everybody gets one.
"The Beach" is Danny Boyle's one.
Let's move on...
 
In anticipation of Fincher's "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" remake, I've been reading up on him.
Did you know the first thing he directed was a music video for Rick fucking Springfield?
It's for a song called "Bop Til You Drop" and could not have less to do with Rick Springfield or bopping.
It (sort of) still holds up and was probably one of the weirder things on MTV at that time.
Or certainly one of the most ambitious.
After a handful of interviews, I realized two things: that he's kind of a megalomaniacal, control-freak dick (which makes for a great director) and that I need to watch more of his stuff.
I had totally forgotten that he directed "The Game" back in 1997, a movie which involves Michael Douglas in an "ARG" when an "ARG" was merely something the Hulk exclaimed in comics.
If you haven't seen "The Game", see it.
It's a brilliantly made mindfuck of a movie.
Michael Douglas is great as is Sean Penn.
Granted, it's one of those "The Usual Suspects" type revelation movies, but, also like "Usual Suspects", it's fun the whole way through.
And it still holds up.
I plan to rewatch both "Panic Room" and "Zodiac", though I remember not loving either of them.
Then, once I've gotten through them, I'm going to do "Fight Club" and "Se7en", two of my favorite movies.
Between those two and "12 Monkeys", I learned to love Brad Pitt for more than his DSLs and myriad abs.
 
So yes, in short, avoid "The Beach" like a dirty hypo lying on a beach and embrace "The Game" as the kick ass future glimpse it was/is.
 
Also, next Friday, I am going to be recording a bunch of characters for an upcoming Speakaboos project.
Google Speakaboos, think of me and then laugh and laugh.

11.28.2011

Last night, I saw the new Muppets movie...

11.28.11
7:37 pm
 
...after another excellent meal at Bareburger with Chris.
 
And I have some thoughts...
 
First, I must say that I disagree with the overall premise: that the Muppets have been forgotten.
Maybe I'm not hanging around the right grade/pre-schools, but the Muppets are eternal.
You watch Sesame Street until you are old enough for the Muppets proper and then you are a real human being, no questions.
The idea that they have somehow become unpopular is ridiculous.
Not enough disbelief to suspend.
 
Next, Jack Black was the biggest and most relevant star they could find?
Really?
The Muppets?
Settling for Jack Black?
Someone in Hollywood is not doing their job.
 
And Selina Gomez?
Yeech.
At least she was only in it for a moment.
During which I farted.
 
Kristin Schaal, on the other hand, was wonderful, as always.
 
The music, also, was excellent, Brett McKenzie nailed it, although pretty much all the songs sound exactly like Flight of the Conchords.
But whatever.
They work and are delightful.
As is Amy Adams.
I think I enjoyed her simply by virtue of the fact I've never seen her in anything.
Which, based on peoples' opinions of her, is probably a good thing.
 
And I loved that Scooter now works for Google.
The fact that both myself and a Muppet have had the same name on our paychecks (on a few occasions, at least) just makes me feel magical.
 
I've always felt a connection with the Muppets, as I grew up two blocks from Jim Henson's home and had my picture taken there in front of the two story mural depicting all the Muppets seated in a movie theater looking out.
Wonderful energy in that place.
 
On the whole, I didn't the love the new Muppet movie, it really just made me want to go home and watch Muppet Show DVDs.
Chris and I watched a few before she lost her nightly battle with Mr. Sandman, twelve minutes after laying on the couch.

  • Steve Martin - Banjo madman.

  • Madeline Kahn - I'd gladly trade a dozen of these mindless, pointless "hot young things" to have her back with us, she was truly amazing.

  • John Cleese - Living, breathing comic god. Bow before him or suffer.


Around the time I recorded the voice of Baby Kermit for that never-released talking doll, I discovered that it was to be part of a Muppets renaissance of sorts, ushering in a new wave of Muppet media including a new Muppet Babies and a brand new Muppet Show.
But then Disney bought back the recently reacquired Henson Studios and fucked everything right up.
At the moment, there is a sitcom coming out which hinges on people living next door to Muppets.
Although I'd like to believe that anything with Muppets in it has the potential to be great...that premise is just assy.
Throw in a laugh track and some canned voices going "oooooooooooohhh!!!" and you've got yourself a fine recipe for Poop Soup.
Which is crushing.
 
To sum up: the Muppets are good.
That's all I've got for you.
 
Mahna, mahna.

11.22.2011

Skrutz

11.22.11
3:38 pm
 
That's about where I'm at right now.
Skrutz.
Why am I skrutz?
Good question.
Good.
 
On Friday, I was asked if I could come into work on Monday, not at 3pm, but at 4:30pm.
I happily said yes and then proceeded to stay up until 6am on Monday, playing the new Assassin's Creed.
I woke at 3pm, showered and went to work.
But (and here's where some of the skrutz comes in), I had a booking with Cablevision* at 10am this morning.
So, I went to beddy sleep at 1:30 this morning, hoping to, I don't know, trick myself into getting a good night's sleep, but no one can fool me.
Not even me.
Or can I?
No, I can't.
Everything was fine, I went out like a light at 1:45ish, only to wake up at 3:45 and then again at 6, 7:30 and, finally, at 9:45.
The booking was from 10am to 2pm and was a bit hurry-up-and-wait because of "crossed wires" and "group failings".
But, it was all good, as the folks from Kirshenbaum Bond Senecal & Partners all have wonderful, twisted senses of humor and we got along thunderously.
Then...at 12:30...Sound Lounge (the place I've been booking a lot of stuff lately) presented lunch...a fully catered Thanksgiving bonanza consisting of everything wonderful you could ever wish for.
Luckily, the client called in and gave notes and I did the last bit of VO before the food kicked it.
At this moment though, the food has officially kicked in.
I'm not one of "those people" who believe there is enough tryptophane in a few slices of turkey to actually affect a grown man like myself, but I do believe that a full tummy (especially when that tummy is full of yummy nummy foodsies) plus lack of proper sleep results in skrutz.
Hence: me, now.
Skrutz.
 
And yet...I carry on...
Somehow, some way.
LBC, funky ass shit, etc.
 
So, back to the me.
...have I mentioned that I finished editing my recording of The Grind Show?
I know Phil knows, but...hm...I may have forgotten to mention it elsewhere.
Well.
Done with that.
Taking a bit of a breather and then I'm going to take his notes and implement them.
Implement them xmax.
But Christ the Jesus does it feel good to be, more or less, done with this project.
Now, the ball is in audible.com's court.
Hopefully they'll pass it back covered in honey and thousand dollar bills.
That is how this whole thing works, right?
Balls covered in honey and thousand dollar bills?
Honeymoneyballs?
 
I've also been reading the new King, 11/22/63.
After the requisite "here's how time travel works in this book" chapters, things were pretty cool; the main character returns to Derry, Maine, about a year after the events of IT and runs into some familiar faces, but after that, things got real uninteresting, real fast and have stayed that way for a while.
And King has actually brought out an argument that is tantamount to the old chestnut "would you kill Hitler as a baby?" and he's (the main character) acting all mixed up about it.
Dude.
Yes.
You kill Hitler.
You always kill Hitler.
As an adult, as a baby, as a sperm in his father's nut sack.
You always. Kill. Hitler.**
Anyway, hopefully things will pick up again.
 
I've been intersticing the King with some DC comics (which is redundant, but so is the "Rio Grande River" so fuck right off), namely Suicide Squad (pretty good, depending on the writer/time period. Here's a hint: avoid the 80's.), Checkmate (slow), Salvation Run (excellent) and, just recently, Batman Confidential, which has been rock solid for the first dozen or so issues.
The second story arc is a reinvention of the Joker's origin by a guy called Michael Green and it's stunning.
Gives Batman a lot more of the responsibility for what happened... 
The art is a bit odd, looks a touch like Aeon Flux at times, but with a lot more lines.
 
Going back to whatever it was I was talking about before; last week, Comcast called me back for yet another rerecord AND have booked me Monday for yet another rerecord.
I must say, being the "voice" of a certain spot for several months running is a lot better than auditioning and not getting gigs.
A lot.
It's like, "Yeah, we remember you were good that one time, so let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the monkey?"
And you're like, "Just pay me every time I walk through the door."
And they're like, "Have some Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday."
And you're like, "Yes. I will."
This is what I was talking about when I said I enjoy being a boy in love with you.
In love with you, girl.
Oh yeah.
 
Fucking shit I'm tired.
Does Starbucks do Frappucino enemas?
Can I get extra caramel?
And a lot...of whipped cream.
 
Oh, and go check out that short film that Ray and me and Pete and Jess Howell and Phil (different Phil) did.
I'm scary as shit in it and I did the sound design.
Not the piano, the cool background ambience.
Here's a link!!!
"Bitter Sweet"!!!!!!!!
And, the entry before this is a behind the scenes look...in writing!!!
BLEEDING EDGE TECH!!!
 
Then:
MONEY FOR DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!
BANGOLIN!!!!!!!!
A DOZEN OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL!!!!!!!!!
WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GALVANIZED TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MONEY FOR DOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*Cablevision = enjoying my Kool-Aid
 
** Would someone please t-shirt that for me? Something pink and flashy? XXL, if you could.

11.21.2011

The Making of 'Bitter Sweet'

9.27.11
10:37 pm
 
About  a month ago, my friend and professional filmmaker, Ray Zablocki, told me of a short film contest sponsored by the Producers Guild of America (PGA).
He said it would be in the vein of a 48 hour film festival in which the entire product must be written, shot and edited within forty eight hours.
On Friday the 23rd at 5:00 pm, Ray, his cousin Pete and I got together and began to create.
The PGA requirements were as follows:
The setting had to be Halloween.
One or more of the following themes had to be expressed: Grace and forgiveness, escape and/or the unlikely hero.
The film had to feature, in some manner, the following three object, one serving as a key plot element: a knitting needle, a knight chess piece and a cassette tape.
From about five to about midnight, the three of us threw out ideas, bouncing them back and forth at one another.
Over those five hours, certain ideas became clear.
We were almost sure what to do with the cassette tape, 100% sure what to do with the chess piece and undecided about the needle.
The two of them left to write the actual script and I went to sleep, readying myself for the twelve hour shoot the next day.
Turned out to be a twenty hour shoot, but, who's counting?
 
The next morning, my co-star, the amazing and resplendent Jessica Howell showed up a tick after ten.
The "crew" (consisting of Ray and his second cousin/filmmaker Phil), showed up a bit later and the day officially began.
First of all, we were crippled from the start for lack of a larger team.
Our director of photography was with his wife who was having a baby and the other two assistants that would have made this thing go faster were also unavailable.
This would end up being a problem...
 
The first handful of hours were spent mostly hanging out with Jess while Phil and Ray did film things.
Later, Ray's friend and our first assistant, Laura, showed up and also hung out.
Understand, we did what we could, but we were really just waiting for it to get dark.
We showed up on location about forty five minutes before our first shot so Jess helped stretch the fuck out of me (she is a Yoga instructor) and then Ray got some turkey while Phil, Jess and I shot a short, improvised film entitled "Dog Balls".
Hopefully that will pop up somewhere sometime.
Eventually, Ray returned with his turkey and the sun began to set.
 
Our very first shot was to be the opening shot of the film; Jessica carrying a bag of groceries while being followed by a large, trench coated figure down by the gantries near the Long Island City Pepsi-Cola sign.
After a full day of uniform gray skies, the sun showed up to astound us; not only an amazing sunset, but exploding with Halloween oranges and, eventually, deep, unsettling bruise purples.
We ended up not using that footage as the start of the film.
Total bummer.
As we were wrapping that location, our second assistant, Steve Earthman, showed up and accompanied us back to our second and final location: my apartment.
Once we retuned, work began in earnest, spending about a half hour shooting Jess arriving home and me watching her from outside.
Then some interiors in the hallways, then, finally, the apartment scenes.
I won't give away the plot, but a big old mess was made, some screaming occurred and some shit got serious.
 
Jess' day ended around two in the morning and mine ended at five.
And her and I were the lucky ones.
Ray, that poor bastard, had yet to edit the footage we had shot that day.
Edit, color correct and everything else...in less that fifteen hours.
The whole thing was due, no exceptions, by 8pm on Sunday, September 25th.
 
I awoke on Sunday and created some unsettling background ambience for Ray to drop in behind some piano music Steve's girlfriend had provided.
Ray called once, asking for me to record my door bell, and I did so.
Then, I waited.
Around 10:40 that evening, Ray sent me a link to the finished product, a tight, well-shot slice of disturbing questions called "Bitter Sweet".
 
Overall, I personally feel like one or two things are missing, and I preferred the alternate ending proposed by Phil Tucker, but this is Ray's baby and I've also heard a lot of positive feedback as well.
In the end, it doesn't really matter what we think, but what the six judges think.
The judges, Steve Buchemi, Leslie Ann Warren, Jamie Lee Curtis, Paul Reubens, Shirley Sher (producer of "Pulp Fiction") and Bruce Coen (producer of "American Beauty") will watch all the submissions and post their decision by November 15th at the very latest on the Producer's Guild of America web site.
 
Aside from the whole film aspect, the day of the shoot was an excellent opportunity to bond further will Jess, someone who will always do her best to pop in at the parties Chris and I throw, but also someone who is always gone too soon.
I've worked with her a few times, as both an actor and as her director and she's like a tiny sun, constantly warming and energizing those in her presence; it was, as always, a pleasure to work with her.
 
At some point soon, we're going to have a wrap party/screening.
At said party, we're going to watch "Bitter Sweet", "Dog Balls" (hopefully), "Eels" from The Mighty Boosh (as Jess has just gotten into the show and we were making references all day) and "The Dark Knight", as Jess has never seen it.
I know what you're thinking: what, she hasn't seen "The Dark Knight"? What? WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL??!?!?!?!?!?
Check it out though: Jess is the kind of person who you wouldn't judge for not having seen "The Dark Knight".
Heck, she doesn't even remember if she saw "Batman Begins" or not.
Which is fine.
Seriously.
But only because she is Jess Howell and she is amazing.
And she opened my shoulders.

11.10.2011

My sweet 3 dog

11.9.11
3:11 pm
 
The Human Centipede.
These three words have made quite an impact over the past few years.*
And, as yesterday was Election Day, I elected to find out why.
 
Now, I had heard of the first film in the series, "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)", a few years ago.
I'd heard it was groundbreaking in its atrociousness and just awful.
The merest mention actually had the ability to send this girl Jessica into fits.
She was kind of a pussy though.
But that's neither here nor there.
So, the gist of the film is as follows: two idiot American tourists get lost in the woods of Germany (because, when their car gets a flat and their phone has no service THEY FUCKING WANDER OFF INTO THE FUCKING WOODS. I'll not go as far as to say these girls deserved what happened to them, but, people...THINK...), then get kidnapped (along with some Japanese dude) by this crazy, German surgeon who, for no apparent reason, decides to connect these three people anus to mouth to anus to mouth, thus creating one digestive system...a human centipede.
Of course, the individual segments of a centipede aren't really their own entities or capable of independent thought, but, whatever man, just take the ride.
The big deal about this whole concept is that the operation is completely, 100% medically feasible and, the results, 100% medically accurate (one of the films tag lines).
Once the surgery works and this crazy, German doctor has his human centipede, hijinks ensue before things eventually go wrong(er) and everyone but the Unluckiest Girl in the World dies horribly.
 
I took some notes:
First off, the thing is SO TROPEY.
Aside from what exactly the bad guy is trying to do, everything is right out of [insert any mad scientist movie ever].
Even the way the police are insinuated into the situation is old hat.
If not for the one horrific thing going on, this could almost be any horror movie of the "kidnapped by maniac for horrible experiment" type.
 
Next, this movie, above all others, needs a "Shining" treatment.
Hopefully, you'll know what I mean by that.
 
One of the first things you see in the movie is a small grave stone with "Mein susser hund drei" written on it.
That's German for "my sweet 3 dog".
I actually laughed out loud at that.
The fact that they show it more than once is just wonderful.
I suppose, if you'd never heard anything about this film, then it makes sense to show it once, before you have any idea what's about to occur and then again, after it's taken place, but, seriously, aside from the very, very first people to see this film, who the hell hasn't heard a least one, choked, terrified whisper about it?
But, yeah, my sweet 3 dog.
Excellent.
 
Once the human centipede was made, my first question was, what the hell are you going to do with a human centipede?
I mean, yes, it was quite a shock, but, then what?
Aside from trying a few basic dog-like things with it (teaching them to walk, training them not to bite, feeding them from a dog food dish), I think the writer/director, Tom Six, had the same question.
And no real answer.
That was apparent.
At one point, the doctor mentions adding another segment, but never gets the chance.
That issue, adding a segment, comes up later...
 
At several points, I thought of how much I'd enjoy the blooper reel from this movie...
 
For all the terror and shock and horror and whatever that surrounded this movie, the surgery was the worst part for me, specifically the removal of the teeth.
I don't like the gooshy bits.
In the end, this was a movie about team work and the dangers of going ass-to-mouth(to-ass).
Quite frankly, I think we have Kevin Smith's "Clerks 2" to blame for this whole fiasco...
 
After I'd finished the first movie, I decided that I needed to see the second one.
So I set that to download and went to sleep.
 
I woke to find that "The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" (a.k.a. "The Human Centipede 2: Even Centipedier") was ready for action.
Now, I hadn't actually heard anything about this film (like how it was banned in the U.K.), I'd just seen a trailer which kind of gave everything away: massive fan of the movie "The Human Centipede" kidnaps a bunch of people and makes his own, hijinks ensue.
That, on its own, doesn't seem all that enticing (not that anything about the first film was enticing, but you get the point...if you're still reading this...), but Tom Six does a pretty amazing job of setting this, more or less, straightforward progression of the story in a ridiculously fucked up world.
Literally every character in this movie, except for maybe one or two of the kidnapping victims is portrayed as a huge, awful asshole.
From the Neo-Nazi upstairs neighbor who beats the living hell out of the main character to the psychiatrist who would love nothing more than to rape the main character (who also happens to be his patient) to the main character's mother who resents her son for getting her sexually abusive husband put in jail.
I cannot explain how over-the-top these people are.
In fact, "over-the-top" is sort of the watchword here...
The movie takes place in London, where graveyard shift parking attendant, Martin (probably the best over-the-top casting job since the crazy, German doctor from the first film), uses the cameras in the garage to locate his victims.
With a crowbar and pistol, he incapacitates them, loads them into his van and drives them to a huge abandoned warehouse.
Well, not really abandoned.
He gets the realtor to sow him the space and then knocks him unconscious with the aforementioned crowbar.
When he isn't hunting and bludgeoning folks, he is watching "The Human Centipede" on his laptop.
Then rewinding it and watching it again.
And again.
And again.
And occasionally masturbating to one of the actresses in it.
Let me tell you a little about Martin...Martin (maybe five feet tall with a massive, sloping gut and bulging, crooked eyes) was sexually abused as a child by his father (on more than one occasion, we hear Martin's dreams: a baby crying and some guy with a Cockney accent say, "Stop with them tears, they're only makin' Daddy's pee pee harder."). He appears slightly retarded and seems to only speak when not on screen.
When on screen, his vocalizations are limited to grunts, farting noises, trilling, baby noises and so on.
Kind of a weak choice, in my opinion, but I really don't feel like Tom Six asked a lot of people for input on this one.
This movie is in black and white, and, as it progresses, I am happy with that choice.
Martin keeps a sort of Human Centipede scrapbook which contains far more impressive collaging than I'm capable of, so at least there's that.
He has pictures of the actors and actresses from the film in it, as well as the medical drawings, pictures of centipedes and a bunch of other crazy things that establish him to be crazy.
 
So, Martin plans on making himself a human centipede with twelve segments.
Yes.
The first two thirds of the movie is him collecting his victims (one of which is the actual actress who played the Middle Segment from the first movie playing herself. Turns out, in one of his off-camera-speaking-moments, Martin convinced this actress' agent that he is holding auditions for the new Quentin Tarentino film and they'd just love to see her try out for the part...) before doing his best to emulate the procedure as seen in "The Human Centipede".
This is where I had a a few problems...especially with his amateur removal of the teeth...
Oh man was that tough to watch.
And hear.
While the tag line of "The Human Centipede" was "100% Medically Accurate", the tag line of this one is "100% Medically Inaccurate".
Instead of scalpels, anesthesia, sutures and gauze, our dear Martin uses scissors, a crowbar, a staple gun and duct tape.
A lot of duct tape.
And a lot of staples.
After losing two victims in the process, an older man and a woman, nine months pregnant, he has his very own ten-segmented human centipede.
He giggles and capers and dances about for a bit, then proceeds to feed the first segment, in order to reenact a truly horrible scene from the first movie in which the first segment...well...poops.
The first segment throws the food away, causing Martin to insert a huge feeding tube down her throat and fill a funnel with cream of mushroom soup.
Which I don't enjoy even under ideal conditions.
But...no one poops.
Upset, Martin grabs a large bottle marked "Laxative" and a syringe.
I was worried about what was to follow.
Turns out I had every reason on earth to be.
What happens next...is really something terrible.
Then, as in the first film, things start to go wrong.
But more wrong than in the first.
Horrifically, nightmarishly wrong.
So wrong that I'm not going to get into here...on my personal fuckrant page.
One thing I will say, for all Tom Six's effort to make this thing as realistic as possible, people are still able to make noise without a tongue.
I'm just saying.
 
As with the first movie, this movie has its own allegories and morals: beware the dangers of fan fiction and do not trust psychiatrists with big, styled beards.
THC 2 was a lot harder to watch than THC and very much harder to eat stew during.
I learned something though, aside from don't park your car in London.
I learned that, no matter how dour and twisted upcoming events look to be, a naked guy bound with duct tape, sobbing "he's gonna stitch us up...he's gonna stitch us up ass to mouth" can't be greeted with anything other than giggles.
Tom, it's never going to replace "Soilent Green is made from people!" as a classic horror movie catchphrase.
Sorry.
 
All right, that was my journey through the deepest, darkest parts of a Dutchman's mind.
It's over.
Or is it?
According to Mr. Six (who is probably also an assassin with a name like Tom Six...most likely the sixth of his line and he's now being hunted by Tom Two through Tom Five with Tom One at the helm....), there will be a third and final "sequence" to the Human Centipede trilogy.
It will be shot entirely in the U.S and is slated for release in 2013.
He says, "it's going to make the second film look like a Disney flick".
So...there's that to look forward to.
Yay.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*And these three words when you're gettin' busy will get you punched in the dick.

11.03.2011

Dulcet Butter

11.2.11
3:48 pm
 
Finished editing chapter 29 of Grind Show last night.
Over three quarters of the way through.
I realized something while sliding my voice around...I have a great voice.
Like...really great.
And I need to do more with it.
So I hatched an idea.
We'll see where it goes.
 
Without thinking, I purchased Uncharted 3 yesterday.
And I mean "without thinking".
Total auto-pilot.
But, I promise you, I am not even putting the game in until I finish these last eleven chapters.
Ten, really as chapters 40 and 41 combined are shorter than a regular chapter.
And, as I'm also catching up with myself in regards to the fourth season of Sons of Anarchy, I have nothing on my plate except for The Grind Show.
Which is good news for Philip.
And, I can imagine what you're thinking, "You said you were going to finish editing before you put Batman: Arkham City in".
No.
Wrong.
I said I would promise to try.
But, Uncharted 3 is different.
This game is kind of a play it once or twice then either enjoy the multiplayer or be done with it sort of game.
Arkham City, I will play again.
And again probably.
Wearing Batman's Sinestro Corp skin.
Or his Year One skin.
Or his Earth One skin.
Or his Batman Beyond skin.
Or his 1970's skin.
You get the idea.
But not Uncharted 3.
This is going to be the blockbuster game event of 2011, but it isn't going to be better than Arkham City.
And you can put that in the bank.
The Video Game Bank.
And then, of course, in two weeks, there's the third game in the current Assassin's Creed series, Assassin's Creed: Revelations.
This too, will I purchase and enjoy, but, just like Uncharted 3, it will not be as good as Arkham City.
In the end, it's about the characters.
Yes, Nathan Drake (hero of the Uncharted series...you can tell by his name) is fun and exciting, a young Indiana Jones-type fellow and Ezio Auditore di Firenze (hero of Assassin's Creed II, Brotherhood and Revelations...Italian gentleman, in case you couldn't tell by his name) is mysterious and a badass assassin, but...Batman is fucking Batman.
None of these characters will ever be as cool as Batman, and I will never be as excited to play as them when these two (and hopefully three) Batman games exist.
So...Grind Show comes first.
 
I found out at the Halloween party that Kaitlyn is now taking a crack at copy editing Throne.
I think that's a good idea, as I may have put a few extra commas in...but they seemed correct at the time...
Hm.
I suppose we'll find out.
 
I plan to start the second Hunger Games book today, because, you know, Hunger Games.
 
Nothing else really happening.
Yesterday's entry was terribly cathartic.
My life is like some sort of horrible boil...it fills with hatepus and needs lancing from time to time.
THIS is that disinfected needle.
And I am happier for it.
As you should be as well.
Because my hate could level mountains and sink continents.
Or something.

11.01.2011

Eat A Dick, United States Postal Service

11.1.11
3:54 pm
 
I was just on the line with the U.S. Postal Service's awful phone robot and it asked me:
"Are you in the business?"
Then a saucy pause.
Then: "The 'getting it there safe and sound' business?"
If I had had an employee of the USPS in front of me at that exact second, I would have screamed and laughed and torn their face from their skull, all at the same time.
And then there would have been diffused, polite applause from everywhere and nowhere.
And I would have smiled.
Stuffed their newly removed face into my mouth and smiled.
Chewed, swallowed, grinned, danced then smiled some more.
If I were running the Post Office, I'd go waaay out of my way to make sure the things that are already annoying in regular life (i.e. fucking awful phone robots) were much less annoying in relation to the PO.
I'd hire Morgan Freeman to read haikus about puppies.
Phone robots already make one want to tear peoples' faces off, but the Post Office...?
No one ever goes to the Post Office unless they fucking have to.
No one ever just calls the Post Office to say, "Hey, you guys are doing a great job. Keep up the good work and enjoy your still-attached faces."
No.
They go there because they didn't received something at their home.
They call because something went wrong, perhaps something costly.
And when you are calling the Post Office or the DMV or your insurance provider or any other organization that has a horrible-yet-completely-justified-and-proven-time-and-time-again stigma against it, the LAST thing you want to hear (aside from some disinterested freak with a wet sock in its mouth on the other end of the call) is something like the above awful phone robot statement.
WHY ARE THEY MAKING THINGS WORSE FOR THEMSELVES?
Even if you are coolheaded at the start of the call (and I will argue that years being on the other end of asshole phone calls has made me very sympathetic to these ball gargling fucks), by the time you've listened to the awful fucking phone robot go through its spiel six times, you're ready to...oh, I don't know...remove someone's face and eat it.
So why are they poking their proverbial stick into our proverbial wound?
Do they want people to scream at their idiot employees and tear their faces off?
Maybe this is all some trolling scheme to get great "Difficult Customer" training tapes for future employees?
Whatever the case.
Eat a dick, United States Postal Service.
Eat a massive, rancid dick.
 
In unrelated news, I've started editing The Grind Show again.
Halfway through chapter 29...which is huge, the longest remaining chapter, in fact.
After that, it's all a soft, sexy slope made of buttered leather.
Why have I suddenly returned to editing?
Well, because I have completed Batman: Arkham City, and I enjoyed every second of it.
There are approximately two things they didn't do as well as the first game, but they are minor enough as to not even count in the end.
And the end...oh the end...
I believe this might be the best ending to a video game I've ever encountered.
At least since Red Dead Redemption, but, fuck that, this is Batman.
I'll be replaying it soon, but it isn't going to consume my life as it did when it was fresh, so, don't worry, Phil
TGS will be fully edited well before the end of November.
Let us give thanks...to me.
While I'm not charging Phil anything for the recording and editing of Grind Show, he wrote me a little something that pretty much made everything worth it.
 
Over the weekend...the shitty let's-have-a-blizzard-just-to-fuck-with-Paul weekend...Chris and I had our Halloween party.
It was a sad state of affairs for an hour or so, but then people showed up and then more people showed up and it then began to kick ass.
Should have the '11 Freak Fuck video up soon so you can all either reminisce or feel left out.
Whatever.
 
I think that's all I'm willing to tell you at the moment.
Don't press me.
DON'T.
PRESS.
ME.
 
Don't.