10.27.2009

Improper Sexual Contact

10.27.09
4:05 pm

Salacious title, no?

I was on the subway today when I heard through my headphones a NEW service announcement from the Man Robot.
It was along the lines of "a crowded subway car is not an excuse for improper sexual contact".
I can't BEGIN to tell you the problems with this statement.
A. A crowded subway car is an excuse for selling candy for non-existent basketball teams, Mariachi bands, people screaming about how GOD FUCKING LOVES YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!, people with no legs and naked cowboys.  It is ABSOLUTELY an excuse for improper sexual conduct.
B. Does this mean it's an excuse for proper sexual contact? Like, with condoms and spermacide and hand holding and stuff?
C. Fuck you, MTA.  If you're going to shut down the trains I need to get home before fucking midnight then I'll use your trains to fuck, rub, grope, hump, grind, lick and snuggle whoever and whatever I see fit, whenever I see fit.
Suck my fucking eyes.
Finally, speaking of improper sexual contact, those Sweet Millions ads on the subways featuring the baby pigs, cats, dogs and ducks?
Brilliant.
I have never played Lotto and I never plan to, but they make me smile.
Oh, and again, I saw myself on TV twice last night, once around 12:10 and again around 1:15.
One was a different edit of the "iReport This CNN!" spot and the second was a brand new one that was mostly me.
Fucking surreal.
More to come all this week.
And finally finally for reals, the hallway is done and the kitchen is done...this Halloween party is going to be downright Cthuvian.

10.23.2009

NEXT WEEK, I WILL BE ON ADULT SWIM.

Long story short:
This evening I attended the unveiling of the new CNN.com and the ridiculously swank after party at Hudson.
I was informed about the full plan for the viral things that were shot about a month ago and CNN's plans to air three different spots all next week on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
That's right motherfuckers, I AM GOING TO BE ON THE SAME CHANNEL AS SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST.
I have officially made it.
So, watch Adult Swim from 10pm to 2am next Monday through Friday to see me and Ian ripping CNN a new one.
Holy fucking shit.

10.15.2009

Wang Dang Doodle


10.15.09
3:23 pm
I love the way the birds all freak out when it rains.
It's like an Otter Party.
Listened to the new Air album.
Not great.
Also listened to the new Mika album.
A couple stand out tracks, but probably not the ones he wants to stand out.
I had a chance to see Kaitlyn before she headed off to Majorca and she was obsessed with the first single "We Are Golden".
Personally, I think it sounds like a Journey/Bon Jovi mash up sans testicles.
"I See You" and Toy Boy" are enjoyable though.
He should open for Scissor Sisters.
It would be pinker than description allows.
On Monday there was a post on the official eels web site that there is another new album coming out in January.
It's called End Times and I'm already more excited about it than Hombre Lobo (which I've listened to maybe five times since its release in June). 
E talked about how he had another full album finished when HL came out.  I really hope this is...fuller.
That seems to be the way he works, though.
Souljacker was rich and layered and sonically diverse, Shootenanny! was recorded in a week in a studio with a bunch of people gathered around a microphone (not that it was bad, there's a few great tracks on there).
Blinking Lights was epic, amazing, disparate etc., HL was a few weeks in a studio and uses about five instruments total.
Plus, End Times is just so evocative.
Feels a little Year Zero personally; Alpha and Omega type shit.
An eels album of Biblical proportions.
Dogs and cats living together...well, you know...
Finished Chuck Palahniuk's non-fiction book.
It was like a bunch of Chuck P. short stories but less interesting in most cases.
In one though, he outright gushes over a writer named Amy Hempel.
So I picked up her collected shorts.
I've read about eight (only forty plus to go...her shorts are SHORT) and she has quite an obsession with earthquakes and people in hospitals.
If she wasn't in either of these positions at some point in her life...well, then she needs to switch it up a bit.
Not as I-have-seen-the-eyes-of-God as Palahniuk made it out to be, at least not yet, but enjoyable.
I also just finished the first book in the Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher.
The Chandler tropes are...palpable.
But there's magic and I'll read anything with more than three books in the series so I'm in for the long haul.
Picked up Brütal Legend (and, incidentally, just learned how to type an umlaut...it's Alt+0252...how fucking cool is that? üüüüüüüü!!!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!! þÿÔÕ.  Awesome.) and I'm not being blown away.
Three games came out on Tuesday that I was considering: Brütal Legend, Uncharted 2 and Fallout 3: Game of the Year Edition.
I was, literally, ambivalent about BL and Uncharted because both are supposed to be amazing, but have a lot of multiplayer, which I am never going to use and Fallout 3 is a game I'd played through already, xmax, but this has about 20 more hours of different stuff and I need to own it (I'd borrowed the original from Ray).
But as I walked away from the counter on Tuesday with BL in my hand, almost immediate Buyer's Regret set in.
I know I'm going to get all three of these fuckers at some point, probably some point soon, but I think I should have gotten Uncharted first.
Oh well.
Such problems as only an American like me could have.
Oh dear! I know not which video game to purchase first!  Plus there's a strawberry seed on my elbow and my thighs are chaffing from walking the twelve feet from my chocolate pool to my sex tent! Get the phoenix-drawn travois!
I've had sex in a tent.
You ready?
It was "in tents".
Heh heh heh.
I'M OUT!

10.08.2009

Actual, Honest To God Murder


10.8.09
9:09 pm
All right.
So, there was a resident here, an older woman, whose son visited her every day, talking to her, feeding her etc.
Every day.
A few days ago, she died suddenly. I called the code and the EMT's worked on her for over an hour before she expired.
The next day, the memo came down to have security ready when the son came in for his regular, daily visit in case he flipped at the news.
He didn't come in that day.  Or the next day.  Or the next day.
The Hospital tried to call him on all his numbers, but to no avail.
Two days ago, someone mentioned to me the possibility that maybe he had also died, like a he-was-so-close-to-his-mother-that-he-died thing.
I asked for an explanation and they told me about the fact that he'd visited her every day since she'd arrived and then, about forty minutes after he left...his mother died and no one could reach him at ANY of his numbers.
I, being a snarky fuck, mentioned that it seemed a lot less magical and a lot more suspicious to me.
I mean, the death was sudden and took place, literally thirty-odd minutes after the son had left and now no one could reach him.
Anyway.
The son finally came in today.
When he arrived, he was asked to wait in the security office.
A quick aside.
He was told to wait in the security office.
He asked why and the Administrator on Duty said that he couldn't discuss it, but that someone was on their way.
He asked if his mother was okay.
The Administrator on Duty said he couldn't discuss it and that someone would be on their way down in a few minutes.
You probably won't recall, but this AOD is the guy that would always push my buttons: repeating things a thousand times as if I were a retarded child, being a spineless buck passing waste of bone marrow etc.
Well, up to this point, I'd just disliked the guy, he was an officious little prick that lorded his tiny, almost-insignificant modicum of power whenever it didn't matter, but whenever a REAL decision was to be made, he was all about washing his hands as fast as possible and then telling several people that he had done just that so as to cover his yellow ass.
But what he did today, what he did to that guy who had just (unbeknownst to him because of the cowardly fuck in question) lost his mother, was morally reprehensible.
It was craven and the worst thing ANYONE could have done in this position.
And before? I just disliked him. He was the typical idiot, sanctimonious, no-sense-of-humor-or-irony, dick boss type we all run into occasionally, but after this? I wouldn't waste spit on him.
Aside over.
So, this guy is standing in the security for over ten minutes with NO ONE telling him what's wrong.
Slowly, more and more security guards are trickling into the room in case he flips out and standing there awkwardly, waiting for SOMEONE to tell him that his mother died five days ago and had already been sent to the County Medical Examiner's office because no one could reach him and the chickenshit AOD is dodging each and every question SO badly that I'm just sweating; the tallest and most uncomfortable fly on the wall in fucking HISTORY...
And then two NYPD detectives enter the office and ask him to step into the Security Supervisor's office.
Long story short:
He had been seen putting things into his mother's food before feeding her, the ME's report stated that she was ACTUALLY dead more like ten to fifteen minutes after her son left the room, not forty and he had been misusing her social security checks for years.
The NYPD were waiting on results from a toxicology report from the autopsy they performed a day or so ago.
Security got a call about a half hour ago that he had indeed poisoned her and that she was in the process of dying while he was leaving the building.
He killed his own mother.
And he did it with NO FUCKING FORETHOUGHT WHATSOEVER.
So, since the NYPD showed up, I've had four people tell me I'm in the wrong business.
Score.
And, with that beautifully set up segue...
The CNN viral thing I shot a month or so ago is up.
Now, some people might actually be confused by this.
CNN just released an iPhone app.
The plot of this viral thing is that my character (Martin) and this other character (Paul) claim to have invented the world's first news reporting iPhone app, the Zap News App.
Thing is, it sucks, like, hilariously.
So, we're suing CNN and posting videos on You Tube and yeah.
So.
There's the setup.
Go to http://www.zapnewsapp.com/ for further updates.
Also, the Davidoff Hot Water commercial is on TV here and in Europe.
You can watch it on the Davidoff Hot Water site by going here--> http://www.zinodavidoff.com/fragrances/main.php?lang=en#/hotwater/hotwater/communication/ and clicking "TV".
Or on TV in Europe.
And in the U.S, apparently.
It's two beautiful people fucking on a beach.
And my voice is the post-coital cigarette.
And I fucking love that.
My Method soap, creepy perv/frat boy rapist VO should be up sometime in November and I'll keep you updated on that tip.