Tepid and Viscous, I Remit...

12.9.08
8:18 pm

First:

Episode TWO of the Diesel Dance Party (in which I command the dancers) has just been put up on http://www.diesel.com/.

It looks as if they are going to put up one episode per week of this six episode psychodrama.

If you want to know the definition of "fear" and "sex", you need look no further than the Diesel Dance Party, for I embody BOTH while remaining disembodied.

Only I could achieve this momentous, paradoxical feat.

Second:

I defeated BOTH the Cockmasters here at my job AND in the Nokia/AT&T Machine today.

At the job, I found a way to silence the everfucking beeping that goes on in the shitty, nonfunctioning Fire System (that, ironically, wouldn't be able to tell if the System Itself was on fire) once and for all.

But the best part is, if I want to return it to its normal (read "broken") state, I can do so with the push of a button.

Fuck you, infernal beeping!

As for the Nokia/AT&T slutbags, I found a way to send ANY SOUND FILE I WANT to my new phone, regardless of whether or not it was purchased from AT&T.

Yes, I have a NEW cell phone.

It has a camera on it.

Ah. Ah ha. Ah hahahahahahahahahaha.

Prepare for penis.

At least, moreso than usual.

Third:

I am sick.

Sick sick sick sicky sick sick.

And I blame you.

Fourth:

I have nothing to go here.

Oh wait, yes I do.

So, you've seen/heard of 2 Girls, 1 Cup (and if you haven't, feel blessed)

I was recently sent something that some might consider far worse, although personally, it wasn't as disturbing to me as 2G, 1C.

Elements of it were but...

If features a man...hm...you know...this isn't something that can be just talked about or described.

You need to see it.

This is not safe for work unless you work in Hell and even then, only if your supervisor has a sense of humor.

Finally:

I am watching a British show called Skins at the moment.

It is excellent and I recommend it.

I am also giving the new Guns 'N' Roses a more thorough listen.

Look, I was a huge fan back in the day and it took 14 years to finish, I'm going to give it more than one fucking listen.

Still at the top of my Secret Santa Joke Gift List.

Even if it IS only available as a physical release from Best Buy.

Think that may be it.

Do your Thing...lest it does You...

The new Guns 'N' Roses album...

...is not very good.

In fact, it's quite bad.

It's bad for a continuation to Use Your Illusion I and II.

It's bad for a straight up Guns 'N' Roses album.

It's bad for a straight up album.

It sounds like the year 2000 or maybe 2002.

The only surprises on it are just how bad and overwrought Axl Rose sounds.

If you are a fan of Guns N Roses, re-listen to the earlier albums and pretend this never happened.

I read a huge review in a recent Onion that gave it an A- and compared it to a unicorn amongst horses ("should we compare its beauty to that of an average horse or simply marvel at the fact that it even exists?").

I then found out that the "special guest reviewer" was a huge GNR fanboy.

It would be like asking me to objectively review a new Nine Inch Nails album.

Not possible.

To be fair though, both this reviewer and Axl Rose say you have to listen to it several times to really "get it".

Thing is: I get it.

It is sucky.

It represents fourteen years of effort and it's terrible.

That is SO depressing.

Anyway, it is my top Secret Santa Joke Gift Item this year.

So, if you and I are somehow in a Secret Santa together, and I get your name, you know what you're getting.

But you have NO IDEA what you're getting into...

Meanwhile, the first episode of the Diesel Dance Party is now online at http://www.diesel.com/.

I am only in the first episode as "the guy putting hoods on people" (you REALLY need to see this) but I'm all over the next five (that's six episodes total, friends) as "The Voice of God" or "The Dance Commander".

I made up that second one, but, believe me, it applies like mascara, bitch.

And, yet no one reads this, I continue...

ATTENTION, PLEASE

10.21.08
10:17pm

Just wanted to take a moment to let you know that BRITNEY SPEARS' new music video "Womanizer" is HOT.

BRITNEY SPEARS is a SEX SYMBOL.

And her career is on the UPSWING.

She now owes me $17.

Also, cookies: never too old to enjoy them.

Next, after about 8 months, I have finally finished my radio demo with Bill and it is pure diamond, absolutely flawless.

It's perfect and I have not been prouder in recent memory.

Now if only I can get the right person to hear it...

Consumption:

I just finished the first Dexter book and Christina was right, the show is better.

I am about to start The Anatomy Lesson by John David Morley which is, according to Jess, amazing.

I am trying NOT to watch any more downloaded episodes of "The Shield" until the whole final season is up but goldurn it that's proving tough.

Ray has pointed me in the direction of "Superjail!" which I have watched all of (thus far).  It is pleasantly shocking and stars David Wain.

I saw "Blindness" this weekend and think that The Onion giving it a C+ or whatever was WAY unfair, the movie was excellent and fucking harsh.

I'm playing "Dead Space" on my own and loving it and playing "Silent Hill: Homecoming " with Danielle and also loving it.

Aside from the upcoming Halloween Movie Night thing, I'm planning a Bond Marathon (or mini marathon depending on who gets in on it) which will culminate with a showing of "Casino Royale" (2006 version) before heading out to see "Quantum of Solace".

This has been SO uninteresting.

Thank you.

I Am The Motherfucking Dance Commander

Yesterday, I said some things to some people that I would not have normally said.

"Have sex with the air."

"Wrestle with each others butts."

"Get international."

But...I was God.

And they did as they were told.

For fear of...reprisals.

Those reprisals were also meted out by my hand.

Yesterday...was weird.

Go to http://www.diesel.com/, and wait for my Presence.

P.S. I heard "Hangin' Tough" on the radio today.

This is going to be a long, cold winter.

I Rock. Band. 2.

If you'll be so kind as to head over to www.mtv2.com and click on the "Sharts" section, you'll find a listing for something called "Pure Evil On The Red Carpet".
That's me.
Enjoy.

I also posted some pictures from the shoot on my My Space photo page.
Also enjoy.

P.S. AND in the "Best Created Character" clip you can see the character based on me, Newton.

Couchthulhu

I must write in haste, for I believe it knows where I am...

Oh how I yearn for simpler, less deadly times!

Alas and alack!

But I digress...

Just this morning, there was a sound of rapping at the door to my domicile.

When I opened the door, I saw no living thing but a comfortable, loden green couch.

How foolish I was!

I took it in as if it were a boon from the Gods themselves!

And perhaps it was...but from which sinister Gods I know not!

They say never to look a gift horse in the mouth and I have always upheld that adage...until now!

For one might not know their gift horse's mouth contains the gateway to Hell itself!

Ah, but again I digress!

Please forgive me, for my very soul has been chilled!

Upon replacing my old, trustworthy couch with this sleek, new abomination, I began to notice slight changes in my home...

Walls seems closer, the ceiling, lower and the sunlight, less brilliant on my varnished wooden floors...

It was as if some maligned force was affecting the very place I called my own!

If only my mind had been more quick to act!

But now I suffer the consequence of lethargy...

I ignored the communiqués from every nerve in my body and succumbed to the drowsiness that stole over me.

I lay on the new couch to close my eyes for a moment and regain my strength that I had, up to a few moments before, been instilled with.

I awoke with a start from a horrible dream of drowning or being swallowed alive to find that, indeed, it had been no dream!

I looked down at myself and saw with horror and revulsion that this demon spawn had separated me from my right leg at the thigh!

It was alive!

It was hungry!

I made my way from the parlor to my study and locked the door to write this, which will certainly be my last communication with the world of the living!

Such a fool I was!

I came here to this accursed place to find out what had happened to my father and his father before him!

Now I know all too well!

Stupid stupid stupid!

Devoured by a couch?

How utterly inane!

how vainglorious!

How fucking goddamn dumb!

Fuck! FUCK!!

Wait...what was that noise?

Oh dear shit!!

It's...somehow it's...EATING THROUGH THE DOOR!!

As I write this it's slowly moving towards me!

If only I could stop describing the events befalling me and simple exit through the window which would lead me to safety!

But alas, I must recount every last terrible detail!

Why did I not actually read the bloodstained diaries of my father and grandfather?

What could I have been thinking taking residence here at Evil Couch Manor?

How was I to know it wasn't just a silly name like

Oh no!

While lost in reverie, the abomination has drawn even closer!

I might only have a few paragraphs to live!!

How slow it moves!

How inexorable yet slow.

So slow!

If only I could just stand up and leave!

The window is right there!

Seriously!

But I must leave this for MY son to find...

Wait.

Hm.

I am not married.

Well, that changes things a bit.

I don't even think I've made love to a woman ever...

Let me see...

There was that costume party a few months ago at Cecil's summer home in Normandy but...no...that was just a blowjob...hm...women can't catch preg from that can they?

Ah!

If only I had read the bloodstained volumes regarding human sexuality and basic anatomy!

Fool!

Fool that I am!

Or was in a few minutes' time when this demon consumes me whole!

Alas and alack!

Alack and alas!

Alas— oh, a penny!

Syphilis Road

or St. Fuckeyes Cathedral!

Revelation 7:23

I just pet a priest's wiener dog.

Should I go to confession?

nullity

9.9.08
8:03pm

Just finished Bret Easton Ellis' Less Than Zero.

I totally want to move to L.A.

And kill myself there.

Give me his non-relative-with-the-same-last-name Warren any day.

Yeech.

What I Did Today

Today, for the first time since the time Phil and I went to see Will in D.C. and I won* the Big Lebowski Drinking Game, I had five guys in my mouth.

And it was heaven.

Jess tried her best but could only have a widdle 'cuz her widdle tum tum was toooooo widdle!!!

You should have seen her with her grown up soda though.

Scrabbling at it with her widdle paws...

Too cute.

Xmax.

Danielle abstained from lunch because she gambled with the Rainbow and lost.

Also xmax.

Then I went home to nap (which is a delightful practice, I understand why babies are always laughing) and was woken up by the sound of future disappointment, or, to be fair and slightly optimistic, potential future disappointment.

But then again, what doesn't fall into that category?

After that, I woke and went to work.

Ah work.

So quiet.

And I am now in the midst of the final story in Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

A book you should read, unless you are an asshole.

If you are an asshole...well, I why am I even addressing you?

Asshole.

Think that's all.

Be brave.

Be tigers.

*Although no one really wins the BLDG

summation

Julian Cope

Pancake Lizard

The S-Word

Boiling Seas of Blood

Sweating

Mr. Xcitement

Cunning Stunts

137%?

So.
I'm watching 'Strangers With Candy' for the first time thanks to Christina Nongirlfriend.
My cousin Stephanie worked on the show back in 2000 as assistant somethingorother.
I IMDBed her and, along with her name, mine popped up as well, from 'Binding Silence'.
Although I knew I was up there, I never really looked at the entry.
Nothing much except for info on the film.
Under the entry, however, I was informed that my "STARmeter" is up 137% since last week.
Whatever you're doing folks, keep doing it.

TMBG in SEPT (and OCT)

Just saw in today's Onion that They Might Be Giants are playing in September and October at a place called Le Poisson Rouge at 158 Bleeker (twixt Bleeker and Thompson).

I just got my ticket for the September show, Saturday the 27th with Les Chauds Lapins (the Hot Bunnies) at 7:30.

Tickets are $25 (with a $1.65 service charge.

They have another show on Saturday, October 25 for $26 with no opener announced yet.

Anyone interested?

Call 800 838 3006.

Tuesday: Better Than Monday

Today. Has. Been. Awesome.

Last evening I am informed of an audition this morning at 10:20am (an unheard of time for me to be awake) at House Productions for something I might not be able to talk about yet and based on my experience with the Sci Fi Network, I'm going to err on the side of not getting yelled at by a major name in the industry.

Suffice to say that I was supposed to look as attractive and model-y as possible based on the name of the company.

So, I walk out the door, as hot as lava in summer (thanks 90% to my little nouf and 10% to my Super Fuckability) and stroll into my audition.

I soon noticed something was amiss.

At the sign in sheet for an on screen audition there is usually a script and maybe a breakdown of the project or storyboards or something else.

Today, there was a sheet that read:

PREPARATION

Do not talk to anyone in the waiting area.

Please take this as serious as possible.

You are in the underground and have been for a long time.

You have been out of the modern world for some time.

You only exist as you appear on the screen.

Always be as sincere as possible.

You often refer to yourself as "WE".

To understate: I was intrigued.

After filling out my info and getting my snap, one of the awesome chicks at House says that we're taking a trip to wardrobe.

In there, I meet Andreas who puts a cloak and mask on me.

Yes, a cloak and a mask.

I then sit, silently, out in the waiting area, not talking to anyone, getting into this character as much as I can.

I am having fun despite the heavy cloak, black satin mask and the stares I am getting...or maybe because of it?

From the audition space, I hear a blaring, discordant siren go off, once, twice.

Soon after, I hear someone playing a tambourine, badly.

And after that, the small of burning toast.

To understate: I was excited.

Then,. after about 20 minutes hunched on a bench, not talking, not looking at anyone, my name is called.

I walk into the room and it's set up like most on screen audition spaces, flat screen monitor, lights, camera, prompt boards, bounce boards etc.

There are a few people that are having a mumbled discussion about me.

They remove my mask, ask to see me without my glasses and them decide they like them.

As do I.

I go to my mark and am told to answer as seriously and sincerely as possible.

I am then "interviewed" by a distorted voice over a bullhorn.

"What is your name?"

"How long have you been here?"

"What is your favorite color?"

""Tell us about your mother."

"Tell us about your childhood."

"What is your star sign?"

"What is your lucky number?"

"Have you been treated well here?"

"Are you efficient?"

"Do you like children?"

"Have you ever been on television?"

"Take off your shoes."

"What else have you done?"

"What is your favorite?"

I'm missing some, but you get the gist.

Or most likely you don't.

It was weird, but exhilarating.

Especially when I'm usually talking about HOW GREAT OPTIMUM ONLINE IS.

Anyhoo, then they have me read from the board some phrases that seem to tie in with the project.

I won't go into them verbatim, but they were ominous.

Then they blindfolded me and gave me some objects to hold.

One was a telephone, the other was glass, that's all I know.

Finally, they said thank you, but before I could go, the director asked me to tell a joke, in the fashion I had been instructed to deliver everything thus far.

So I told the one about the man who was not enjoying sex with a prostitute until she...did something.

If you don't know it, then you aren't as close to me as you think.

I warned them it was a doozy.

So, I tell the joke, pause a moment after the punch line and then grin.

"Pretty foul, huh?"

They laugh and then thank me and applaud.

I returned my cloak to Andreas and left.

I'll let you know if anything comes from this when I'm able, but just know that this has been one of the most fun acting experiences of my life.

THIS is why I'm an actor.

I am pancreatic cancer.

Specifically, Bob's pancreatic cancer.

More specifically, Death by pancreatic cancer.

Yes, my week started off with an audition for Death (by pancreatic cancer) for a PSA.

Remember when PSA's had cartoon characters in them?

Jesus.

Don't really know if I'll get this one, I think my mortification (no pun here...) came across quite clearly I fear.

But you never know.

I'm waiting to hear back from something that went exceedingly well last week.

Or so I think.

You know, no matter how good you think you did or how good you actually did, some person in an office somewhere might hear your voice and be reminded of someone they hate from years ago and, boom, an excellent audition is trashed.

Kind of a downer, but then again, every once in a while, you get that booking, and you are God Himself for a moment.

And it feels good.

Aside from its somber beginning, I have also been listening to the new Walkmen album.

There is such a feeling of loss and worn out hope...let's just say that Monday feels themed.

They have a fight. Buffalo wins.

THIS is what the Internet is for.
Click.

Also, this:
Click.

But not this....never this...
Click.

"And the world spreads its legs for another star..."

Cablevision: Suck My Dick

Dear Cablevision,

    First off, I'd like to say thank you for the myriad opportunities you've extended to me.

I love that every time you have a new commercial that you think of me as a potential voice talent.

    Secondly, I'd like to say, yes, you do offer a huge number of excellent services including Optimum Online, Optimum Voice and iO Digital Cable, all for only $29.95 a month!  Wow!  Seriously a great value.

    And finally, I'd like to invite you to suck my fucking dick.  I feel bad that you've offered SO MANY chances over these past five years for me to lend my vocal abilities to your numerous ad campaigns without having something in return to offer you.  Well, I'm putting an end to that right here, right now.  In fact, for just $29.95 a month you can suck my fucking dick wherever, whenever, and that's a promise I'll make to you, Cablevision.

    To wrap up, Cablevision is a ridiculous name.

Thanks again,

Your Interesting, Intelligent, Not Announcery But With A Hint of A Smile Friend

MASK-O!!!!!

You know what's funny?
Slipknot.
I just saw their video for their song 'Psychosocial'.
Welcome to today's musical climate folks.
Enjoy.

Hair. Gone today.

1 ghosts I - The Broken Sky

Finished.
Here.

SO PROLIFIC!

After four months of having the footage just lying around, I have just finished putting together a new video.
It is for the Nine Inch Nails Ghosts Film Festival and should be up in the next fews days.
I still need to tweak a thing or there and I can't decide on a title.
Can't be too Nine Inch Nailsy or too teen angst.
Something that SOUNDS like a NIN song title that has yet to be written.
Hmmm.....
I'm very happy with it whatever I decide to call it and I'll let you know when it's up.

Am I prolific yet?

Not one, you filthy beggars, but fucking TWO BRAND NEW SONGS up on my band's website!!!!!!
The first is a cover of a live improv that Beck did a few yeara go and the second?
All me.
Mit bongoes.
Just pop over here and embrace EVEN MORE of me.

It is up.

BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX '06
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugSjRNdTd5E

Haiku Crew '08?

So.
Back in the '01, Philip, Will, myself, and some assorted Harvardians and
Amhertians engaged in mortal haiku combat.
The results in such categories as Dog Love, VD, Kiss the Children and
Naked Olympics were...shocking, to say the least.
I recently told Jessica (Deadpool) and Danielle (the Nintendo DS, Dani
Moostar, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels etc.) about this and we
endeavored to revisit the simpler time in which terrorism was a REAL
threat and the haikus flowed like wine.
In the two sessions we've had thus far, the topics were:
Membertainment and Vomit.
Below are some of the best.
Enjoy.
 
Danielle:
They call it the clap.
I call it burning applause.
You know, for our love.

When I am munging
I wear goggles. You know my
Motto: safety first..

Gag me with a spoon.
I mean it. You can gag me. 
I am bulimic.

Jessica:
When I am munging
I bring some mints. You know my 
Motto: Ladies first.

Paul:
I hunger...for what?
Chlamydia soup with mung 
and smegma salad

Long and bleary night
Drinking beer and pancake mix
Good morning! BarfNog!
 
Gag me with a cock.
I'm a bulimic porn star
It's called: Ipe-Cock
**************************

The ladies get massive points for the use of munging.
I think Phil may have brought that particular flame down from Olympus
though.
I am also very proud of myself of Ipe-Cock and BarfNog.
Hmm. Maybe not 'proud'...
Is there a term that means "proud when you shouldn't be"?
I need an English major!!!

BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX '06

Later today I will be putting up on You Tube the EPIC battle between Sex and Glory that was captured in ONE ass-shakin' shot over two years ago.
Here's a spoiler: They BOTH win.
And so do you.
Prepare to get funked.
I mean fucked.
Sorry.

Maps to the Stars' Homes

Have I ever told you about my sets of twin freckles?

Well, I have at least five sets on just my arms.

I remain baffled.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

7.29.08

5:28pm

Man have I been looking forward to writing this down...

Last night I had a Zombie Apocalypse dream.

It was fucking awesome.

I was visiting Michael J. Fox (who was playing a character for some reason) in his office with a friend of ours named Steve.

We arrived as Michael J. Fox was leaving a message for his wife that he loved her very much when we found out she had just filed for a divorce.

Then we heard noises from on the street below.

Zombies attacking and killing people.

Then, for some reason Steve turned into Will.

Hm.

That's really all I remember.

Hm.

This was much cooler if you had been there.

Very good tension...

This this is mostly because of this new game that is sort of a Japanese survival horror that I'll be checking out later tonight.

I dig zombies.

Man do I ever.

THIS RIGHT HERE is why I love Beck

Beck talks about his new album 'MODERN GUILT'
Out of all the appropriate situations to find oneself, the least being the hurtling of loose bricks, the parties involved first disclosed their coordinates and proffered cards which happened to be in their pockets. from an embassy of restraint and a superimposed background they assembled at the time of next convenience and weighed their options. drag a filing cabinet across a subdivision or sit out the current situation till a more reliable picture of the situation materialized. neither seemed all that enticing, so the course was set, the workstation laminated and some biofeedback sorted out for use in further research. after the frequency which would shatter a display case was discovered they launched themselves at a barricade of empty cardboard boxes. all these games were inconsequential at first but then later provided some back story for the urge to be a human battering ram. while so many people with disposable incomes sauntered by on the boulevard near the workstation a new kind of light was grafted onto the premises. "how many songs can we fit in an inflatable raft?" "I didn't know there was going to be a flood?" "There isn't, but that rainbow is stalking me somehow..." and so, 120 nights of no sleep and seeing the dawn try not make an impression, there was some hollow hewn thing there that seemed a little basic. "do you have anywhere to put this?" "just leave it where it is." I shook hands with danger mouse and said I'd see him again, maybe at the farmhouse or some scenic location where we could breathe a little.
*******************************************
And it's a good album as well.

Han...what?

Mmm...ba-cock.

Man what a pleasant experience.

Saw the 12:30 pm showing of Hancock today on 86th and 3rd.  No one shouting about how they enjoy the movie so much they have to shout, no gunfire, no debates about the disparity between "gangsta niggas" and " faggot niggas" and how one can become the other with shocking speed and only ONE tubby, inconsiderate black woman who took a phone call.

But it seemed important.

Maybe she was the President?

Hancock was pretty solid.

Nothing amazing, but, as The Onion said, at least they're trying something (slightly) original.

Jason Bateman continues to do what Jason Bateman does best.

Will Smith is as Will Smithy as ever.

And they said "asshole" a lot.

Which is always good in a movie.

I totally plan on doing this again, probably with Hellboy and Dark Knight.

If anyone is not doing anything some afternoon, I'll be there.

Sitting quietly and enjoying my life.

Just recently checked out Coldplay's new album "Viva La Vida (or Death and All His Friends)" and Beck's upcoming (7/8) new album "Modern Guilt".

Both have left me with a warm, good-music-y (music-y not mucous-y) feeling on my face.

I've never really been much of a Coldplay fan.  I think have one or two songs from each of their earlier albums on my iPod and you can probably guess which ones.  That doesn't mean they're bad, it just means that they know how to make a radio playable single, and there's nothing wrong with that.  If people don't hear your stuff, then you don't get to keep making stuff, but as far as sitting and listening to a full album, Chris Martin's high notes get a bit old, just like the typical (watery U2) guitar, bass, drums BUT WITH A PIANO thing.

On this new one though, they are being as experimental as Coldplay can be and it completely pays off.  The first track is this building instrumental (which is revisited with lyrics at the end of the album) which leads into "Cemeteries of London".  This track lets people know this isn't the same Coldplay that put out Parachutes.  Next is "Lost" which has a sad-yet-hopeful choir feel to it.  Later on there's "Yes", which is the most multifaceted Coldplay song I've ever heard.  There's some more good ones on there and only two or three that I tend to skip.  One thing I really noticed that I never noticed in any Coldplay release before is the drumming.  Whoever this guy is, he should get a raise.  I won't be attending any of their concerts, but goodness gracious have they made a solid, utterly listenable new type of Coldplay album.  Bang on, you British fag rockers, bang on.

As for the new Beck, I have had less time with it, but the time I've had I've enjoyed immensely.  This album is produced by Danger Mouse and, Lord Peanut, does it ever show.  More on some tracks than others.  Some of them sound like straight up classic Beck but with a programming twist here or there, but some others sound like Danger Mouse guest starring Beck...but they all fit very well into this project.  Lyrically the whole album is typical Beck (subjects include but are not limited to: dust, walking, bones, the desert, wind blowing, not knowing where you're going or coming from, being confused et al) and I'll never fault him for that, but musically it feels very "The Information" but, like I said, with some really nice new elements.  "Gamma Ray" sounds like 50's surf rock and Beck's blurry vocals are the perfect accompaniment.  "Chemtrails" is a ghostly, echo-y piece that sounds like Beck in an abandoned church but, at the end of church, instead of eating Jesus, you get a kick ass guitar solo.  I'll take that over sanguinism any day.  "Youthless" has great energy and a vocal treatment that makes Beck sound like a malfunctioning robot (although not as much as in some or his earlier work).  "Walls" and "Replica" are the least Beck (or most Mouse?) tracks.  "Walls" has something almost like a reggae beat with a violin attached which is innovative, but not my favorite experiment he's ever undertaken, but "Replica" is, in my professional opinion, The Shit.  A ragged, grinding drum loop (which sounds almost Aphex Twinny) explodes throughout, aided only by a truncated piano sample.  As the track progresses, the piano part is augmented by a beautiful string arrangement that (I can only imagine) was put together by Beck's father and long time collaborator, David Campbell.  The rest of the tracks are, for the most part, solid Beck tracks that are slightly reminiscent of earlier solid Beck tracks, but a solid Beck track is a solid Beck track and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

Meanwhile at the Patent Office, I have returned from my time at BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX.  It was refreshing and card gamey.  And there were rides...excellent rides. And shitty movies; some shitty because of bootleg quality and some because of George "Destroy My Own Legacy Just Like the Axl Rose of the Film Industry God I'm Such A Fucking Asshole" Lucas.  There were also fire alarms.  Motherfucking fire alarms.  But then again, they do say "better woken up after five hours of sleep by a fucking demonic symphony of smoke detectors that burned to death in your sleep".  I would ask that those who subscribe to that philosophy put it to the test before getting the sampler made though, just a suggestion.

In other meanwhile, I am engorged over Hellboy 2, Dark Knight and (to a lesser extent) Hancock but I am rendered flaccid by the New York movie theater going crowd, so I might do something brilliant and isolationist: see one or more of them alone in the afternoon before work.

Here's why: aside from the army of chattering bastards that seem to ruin every popular movie I've seen in theaters for the past forty years, I have missed two huge movies in theaters because, although I know twenty people who want to see them, they see them on days when I can't go or  are in other states or whatever.

No offense, but shit.

Now, something excellent and unexpected...

So, there's this shitty movie Wanted out now.

It's shitty, don't bother.

But, the guy who wrote and directed it (same guy that did Nightwatch and the sequel Daywatch some years ago) based a large part of it on the Nine Inch Nails song Every Day Is Exactly The Same from their 2005 album.

This song is used quite overtly in the film.

If you hear this song then go to You Tube to see if there is a video, you will find the video that Ray put together from Binding Silence footage for that NIN video contest thing.

Long story short, since this movie came out we've been getting at least one thousand hits per day, sometimes more. 

I'm also getting all the You Tube comment notifications that are (more or less) "I herd this SOng in tHat movie".

But whatever, as of yesterday, we've clocked in over 186,000 views.
Ah coattails.
That double 't' looks weird.

FistoPlex Productions

So, long story short:
Back in March, Nine Inch Nails released a two disc instrumental album entitled 'Ghosts I-IV'.
Trent Reznor then asked the fans to make videos to accompany the tracks.
Here is the entry that Christina, myself, Barrett and Micol (NIN friends) made.
It was all shot at the Grumman facility in Bethpage, New York where the first Apollo lunar module was made.
The guy you see is Barrett.
It's taken us over two months but we are very proud of the results.
Check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/FistoPlexProduction

Hey...I won...yeah...

Mm hm.
'pointless' won the first week of the 2nd Annual Shortened Attention Span Festival.
AND, I got a review on nytheatre.com!!
I've never been reviewed!
How fucking cool is that?!
I GOT A REVIEW!!

Review:
(As the previous play ends), Death enters, juggling three clocks as a young woman holds up a sign that says "a metaphor." This marks the beginning of the final item of the evening, which is pointless. The eight performers of pointless offer 20 vignettes written by Paul Guyet, with frequent, often very humorous, announcements reminding the audience that these sketches are all, well, pointless. In one, a man stands alone onstage. Another enters, and asks him what he's waiting for. He replies, "Godot." In another skit, a banana is murdered during a party. In a third, Edgar Allan Poe is caught dancing to "Too Sexy" and says he's having a "laudanum freak-out." Some of the vignettes are very funny and others just very vulgar, but they are all performed by a very strong, energetic ensemble.

WOO HOO!
VERY FUNNY!
VERY VULGAR!!
WOO HOO!!!!!
Ray taped the first night and, although it's TOTALLY going to lose something in translation (hopefully not Scarlett Johansson's amazing ass *CHOMP*), I am going to put it (or most of it) up on my You Tube.

Thanks to all the superawesome people who made it out.
And to those who didn't?
I just HOPE you need some of my blood or semen someday.
Oh ho you shall FEEL my grudge...

realization

6.3.08

10:02 pm

Sitting here, listening to this fucking guy in the security office rambling on and fucking on about HOW MUCH HE LOVES KUNG FU MOVIES brings me to the realization that I want to die.

Wait.

No.

I want HIM to die.

Of internal hemorrhaging.

Maybe brought on by kung fu injuries.

Yes, Bruce Lee is cool.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

If he himself were a kung fu master then yes, I might be interested in his blather, I might even engage him in conversation, but he is a balding Hispanic guy in his late forties talking about "Bruce" like they grew up together.

"Do you know what would happen if Bruce kicked you?" is one of his FAVORITE questions.

I resisted the urge to respond, "nothing" and that he would probably crumble to the ground like cheese seeing as that he is dead and has been for decades and that maybe you should stop talking about him like he's in the bathroom waiting for you to come in and join him for a game of Ookie Cookie.

Although, if you're this dork, there's no such thing as losing a game of Ookie Cookie to Bruce.

*sigh*

He's so creamy...uh...dreamy.

Dreamy.

Nuts.

Bruce's nuts.

Slurp.

10:38 pm

NOW HE'S THE COACH OF SOME NBA TEAM!!!

Jesus Fucking Christ, this guy's imagination puts Calvin's to shame!

I bet he has a time machine in his basement too.

And a transmografier.

what's that smell?/totally fucked

6.2.08
4:02 pm
In Stephen King's 1991 novel, The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands, a character enters a run down, creepy house in Dutch Hill.

At one point, the character, Jake, enters a room that smells horribly.

Here is how King describes the smell: It was as if someone had set a mattress on fire, let it smolder a while then put it out with sewer water.

I now know what that smells like because, on my way to work while passing the trash heap that changes daily in front of the projects, I saw that very mattress and, like it or not, I smelled it.

I enjoy living in LIC oodles more than Spanish Harlem.

And that is the truth.

Also, this week 'pointless' goes up.

I was a little nervous until last night's rehearsal.

It went so well that I got a Theatre Boner.

And those are the best kind.

I am a little pensive since the head of security at my job is coming.

Man, is he going to learn a lot more about me than he should.

Also, my sainted aunt Gerry is coming as well.

Holy beans, is this going to be an eye opening experience for some people.

At times I reflect that "it won't be that bad", but the ONE line that keeps echoing back to me is "so anyways, I says to the guy, I says..."

The next family reunion should be interesting.

At least it'll be a change from the usual list of questions I'm asked.

Hopefully 'pointless' will just blur by for those that shouldn't see it.

Like the photos of the dead people in 'The Ring' or something.

Hm.

I'm totally fucked.

Paging Mr. Cock

5.12.08

3:43 pm

I just had to page a resident named Harry Johnson.

No shit.

So, in case you (person) haven't heard, 'pointless' is coming back to the world at large, jaws wide and dripping jaw water.

You should go, because it's real.

It's Thursday, Friday and Saturday (June 5th, 6th and 7th) at 8pm and Sunday the 8th at 3pm.

All at the Player's Theater on 115 MacDougal Street.

Take trans to the West 4th stop and it's around there.

Google it, you lazy bastards.

You can all 212-352-3101 or 866-811-4111 (toll free) for tickets.

Tickets are $18 at the door and $20 if you order them from those numbers.

I apologize for that but here's how this thing works...

'pointless' is one of five plays at this festival.

It's called the Shortened Attention Span Festival because each of the five shows are 20 minutes or less.

Get it?

Although, seriously, people with a REAL shortened attention span can hold onto something for, what? three minutes?

The good news is 'pointless' is a collection of about twenty one-minute vignettes, so it's designed specifically FOR people with actual shortened attention spans BY people with shortened attention spans.

It's was mostly written by me with help from Heather DuCharme who disappeared into the UK last time I heard, and there is one or two contributions from Will.

So, on top of being a Harvard X-Prize astronaut who's dating a chick named Lady, he is also a playwright.

He also saved Latin.

You should see it because, as Christina says, it's me...made slightly accessible.

So...yeah.

I'm sorry I'm not more...expansive today.

Feel like an old rug.

Whatever the case,old rug or new, it's going to be good.

We got some Fordham alums (Jessica Howell, Marco Formosa, Gia Frisillo and Sarah Bell) as well as some non-Fordham alums (Kevin Rockower and Colin Goldberg) so, whether or not you went to Fordham, there's something for everyone!

YAY!!!! 

Seriously though,these are some funny motherfuckers I got.

And you will laugh...until you die.

review of Nine Inch Nails' "The Slip"

I am going to skip over the huge but musically unrelated facts that a. this is the second major release from Trent Reznor in about as many months (yes, months, not years) (the first being the 36-track instrumental experiment 'Ghosts I-IV') and b. Reznor released this album solely on his web site, www.nin.com, for anyone and everyone to download completely free and just focus on the new album, 'The Slip'.

 

As a stand alone Nine Inch Nails album, 'The Slip' is solid, but as a sequel/aspect/coda to 2007's 'Year Zero', it's excellent.

The world of 'The Slip' could indeed be that which Reznor created for us a little over a year ago.

Many of the songs match in tone as well as subject matter and, at times, musicality.

"Letting You" is about fury at those who hold you down and pull your strings, but it is also about fury at yourself for letting these people do these things to you.

In "1,000,000", an excellent NIN album opener (and, hopefully, soon-to-be live staple), we see an individual so dulled, so numbed by his routines that the only way he can tell he's alive is to kill himself again and again.

 

There is also a distinct sci-fi feel to this album with such tracks as "Lights In The Sky" which may be a direct reference to The Presence (the huge, four-fingered hand whose appearance the sky seemed to indicate imminent destruction that was introduced on 'Year Zero'), "Corona Radiata", a 'Ghosts I-IV'-esque soundscape that is beautiful in its subtlety (except for Reznor's choice to include the stock sound effect of a cat yowling towards the end which COMPLETELY takes the listener out of it), "Demon Seed", a layered piece with some excellent drum programming lifted from "38 Ghosts" (a leftover from the 'Ghosts I-IV' sessions) that tells about a seed that is growing and changing the narrator and the album's intro track "999,999" with it's building, alien synth-pulse.

While including elements of 'Year Zero' makes 'The Slip' a bit esoteric, the straight up Nine Inch Nails radio track "Discipline" (part "The Hand That Feeds", part "Only") makes at least some of it accessible to the casual listener.

 

An interesting theory some people are batting around is that, based on the similar sound most of the tracks share, and their subject matter plus the first line spoken on this album (which might be "how did I slip into this?"), 'The Slip' is actually an album CREATED by the Nine Inch Nails OF 'Year Zero', the year 2022 in which the government, environment and society in general are in an apocalyptic state of emergency.

 

Whatever the case, like 'Year Zero', 'The Slip' is an album made richer by the context in which it's set.

Without that context though, the album isn't a complete success.

So you've got a choice:

Either head over to the homepage of 42 Entertainment, the company responsible for the four month ARG (alternate reality game) that set the stage for and accompanied the release of 'Year Zero', and spend an hour or so digging through the massive amount of story surrounding it or just turn up the volume on the four or five loud tracks and headbang like you're 16 again.

Either way, you'll have fun.

Wanted: Abused Children

4.9.08 

11:36am

This morning, eyes half closed, listening to Air, I found myself staring directly at an "abused child".

The eyes were hollow, the set of the jaw smacked of Dickensian mistreatment and the mouth was in that perpetual sob state, a dam ready top burst at the slightest urging...by a fist.

I focused on the rest of the sign and saw it was a call for child protection detectives.

The "abused children" were in the areas above the seats and the "child protection detectives" were on the top, lining the car.

Along with the "detectives", who were all world-weary and determined...with a hint of sadness..., was the slogan: Are you bold enough?

For a moment, I was confused.

I thought that was the slogan of Doritos.

And then I thought, "How abused can they be if they're getting Doritos?  Doritos are delicious!  Except those new fusion ones. They're pretty gross, so I suppose that could be considered-"

Then I stopped.

I started to consider the looks of the "abused children" and the "detectives".

During my time in "the business" (the SHOW business for all the laypeople), I've come to realize that people who say they are people (Hi, I'm a dentist...really...) or people who say they are not people (This woman who lost three hundred pounds in a week is NOT AN ACTRESS! TOTALLY!) are usually lying.

I then decided that these "abused children" looked too abused and that these "detectives" looked too detectivey.

Then I thought, wow, what an advertising nightmare!

You can't just photograph abused kids because that's fucked up and off putting.

I mean, who would want to join up if you had a picture of a battered (as in beaten, not as in covered in delicious batter) of teeth and bruises as your poster child (pun possibly intended)?

But then again, you can't hire actors because that's fucked up in a different, more hypocritical, sort of glossing over the problem and making it fake way.

But then again, you can't pitch becoming a child protection detective without SOME visual stimuli.

It would be like a car commercial without a car.

So I guess my solution (because if you don't have one of these you are part of the problem, even if the problem is child abuse) is to find the more attractive of the abused children and take their pictures.

It's a win-win situation.

You get the real deal on your posters and, therefore the ring of truth and you also get attractive, young, UNDISCOVERED models who might get seen by the right ad guy and BAM, the next fill-in-the-blank.

I'm just trying to help.

Actually, I was just trying to get to work, but Fate forced me into trying to help.

Luckily, I enjoy a challenge.

And a tall, cool glass of pear juice.

The Looza brand is the best.

Real Brazilian type stuff.

I remember once in college, I had a friend who had a friend whose father ran a Brazilian restaurant.

I was over at their apartment (might have been Gia, Taylor and Ruth's place) and she had a bag with some drinks in it.

There was mango juice, guava juice and cashew nut juice.

Most people snatched up the mango and guava, leaving the cashew nut juice.

Of course I opted to try the cashew nut juice.

It was a bit off putting that the juice really did smell like cashews, but you know me and nut juice...

I took a sip and was head over heels for this stuff in an instant.

A few days later I returned to 8F after a rehearsals and saw my roommates gathered nervously around a cardboard box.

They looked at me and said that a while ago, someone knocked on the door and when it was opened, nothing was there but this box.

For some reason, my roommates expected me to have something to do with the creepy, unmarked cardboard box that had been delivered.

And they were right.

I opened the box and was tickled to find forty bottles of cashew nut juice.

I was so stoked about this windfall of nut juice that I went around to my friend's apartments with the box and started handing out bottles.

To spread the nut juice love.

I had a lot of takers but I'm not sure how many people actually drank it in the end.

Whatever the case, it was an excellent gift; frightening and nutritious.

Tonight is Saul Williams.
******************************Just got back from Saul Williams.
You know, I'm done trying to turn people on to new stuff that is amazing.
Fuck you, find out for yourself.

Avoid elevators

When I returned to my apartment, the doorman had his hands full with a group of Irish women in their late 20's/early 30's.

They were a group of friends that all happened to babysit children in my building and none of them had their ID.

They'd all worked there long enough to know that you need ID to get in if you aren't a resident, but they'd also worked there long enough to develop a proprietary sense that the doormen should all know them by sight and "just let them up".

I squeezed by, smiling at the doorman who gave me the look of a drowning man.

I sympathized, but only on the surface; I was too tired to care about his little problem that would inevitably be sorted out in a few short moments.

I turned the corner and stood waiting for one of the two elevators to arrive.

They are notoriously slow and while waiting, a man from the building who I knew had some debilitating disease that had yet to debilitate him approached.

I knew about his disease but I did not know his name.

There appeared to be some depth of feeling between us, but I didn't know where it had come from.

He looked like an old Shakespearean actor.

After a time, the elevator arrived.

I got on as did a young boy.

The old man got on, then got off, either forgetting something or remembering something.

I pressed my floor, eight, and, although the boy must have pressed his, I hadn't noticed.

I then saw the emblem sewn onto the left breast of his blazer.

It was that of my alma mater, St. Bernard's.

I asked him something about his school and he replied.

Apparently, he'd done badly on a test that day and was disappointed in himself.

I told him that, no matter what he thought at the time, that St. Bernard's is an excellent school and he should be enjoying every minute of it.

He didn't disagree but hearing it helped.

He was relieved to know there was something beyond the fourth grade.

I then noticed that he was the spitting image of my old next door neighbor's son.

"Is your last name Goldman?"

He answered yes.

Around that time, the elevator arrived at my floor, the eighth.

The doors opened and I saw that the landing was about two feet over my head.

For some reason I didn't consider this abnormal and I was about to grab the landing and climb out when I turned back to the boy.

"Whatever the case, have fun at six Bernard's...seven Bernard's..."

He was giggling and I was smiling, but, for some strange reason, my tongue was tangled and I was unable to say "Saint Bernard's".

I had just arranged the sounds required to express myself when the elevator began to fall.

No small lurch to indicate something was wrong, simply the feeling that the massive hands of gravity had disappeared.

I had time to see the terror on the boy's face and was considering saying something or taking him in my arms when the lights flickered and everything went dark.

HOT MESS VS. OKAY!!

3.31.08

3:56pm

At approximately 3pm on the afternoon of March 31, 2008, I bore witness to one of the most exciting events...in the History of Man:

HOT MESS VS. OKAY!!

The Contenders:

Big, fat, chattery clump of noise vs. the twittery idiot box (not a television, a person, a box of idiocy) 

The Background:

The Oaf was regaling the Twit with stories of her grandmother who went nutty toward the end.

The Oaf kept referring to her grandmother as a "hot mess", the reaction of the Twit to these recollections was to continually repeat "okay!!"*

After a few moments, I realized that this was much more than a mere recanting of tales, this was a bloodmatch.

Or deathmatch.

Or bloody deathmatch, as the British might say.

So I began to keep count of who said what more, "hot mess" or "okay!!".

The Results:

It was a grueling five minutes but in the end...it was a tie, 7 to 7.

Rematch?

A rematch is almost certain and I will be there to bring the noise, the funk and all the other things that one would want to bring to a mind fart contest like this one.

Stay tuned!!

*I wish more than anything that I could attach a sound clip of her saying "okay".

It is probably the most annoying delivery that two syllables can have.

I will try to describe it:

The emotions are always disbelief and amusement, but exaggerated; as if her subtext is:

'Whoa! Too much information! Thank-ah yoooou-ah!'

Very high school/valley girl.

The intonation is ALWAYS THE SAME, whether it's in reaction to stories about someone's crazy grandmother or a UFO sighting or a dead baby stuffed full of shit and maggots by a lunatic who then sent said baby to the Pope, which adds a lot to the element of I-want-to-step-on-your-throat.

It starts off high and nasally, always nasally and remains at the same note, pitch and timbre until the "a" in "okay" is reached, where it slides down the octaves until it is inaudible.

Also, lending to the sandpaper-on-my-scrotum feel is the fact that she says this about 400,000,000 times a day.

Give or take.