3.30.2006

3.30.06
4:40 PM

Had my own person al “what do you mean, ‘what?’” experience today. Although this was MUCH more professional. The guy had an actually liquor bottle, not a Snapple bottle and he also had an accomplice, wait, I’m sorry, a “4 month pregnant wife” (he made it very clear, several times that she was 4 months pregnant). I was coming back from the Laundromat with my clothes, carrying a big, heavy bag. I saw there was someone up ahead in the middle of the sidewalk so I went further over to the left so as not to bump them. Sure as sugar, as I walk past, he swerves and bumps into me. I thought nothing of it until I heard the sound of a liquor bottle hitting the ground.
Part of me knew INSTANTLY exactly what was going on, but another part of me was a bit wary. This wasn’t three big white guys in the middle of a totally empty Times Square at 4 in the morning; this was one big white guy in Harlem with a lot of gangstas keeping me in their periphery. I didn’t know how to react. Part of me wanted to grin and clap the guy on the back and say, “Been there, done that, Stinky.” But this guy was NOT having it. It went from “you broke my bottle” to “you hit me in the eye with your bag AND broke my bottle” to “you broke my bottle AND hit my in the eye with your bag AND I cut my finger on the broken bottle when I touched it trying to take it out of the bag to show you it’s really broken (thank you, Will, for putting the idea to ask him to show me the bottler into my head…)”. First he wanted me to go into the liquor store with him to buy him a new bottle of Cisco (sp) (I can’t remember what the first guy said we broke; I think it was vodka, but wouldn’t it be a kick if he also claimed it was Cisco?), then he wanted the cash equivalent ($12.50) and then he said he would “go half with me” and he asked for $6.25. Now, don’t think that he was in a jovial, bargaining mood. Oh no. He was quite the pugilist and totally unafraid of me. He was a FOOT shorter than me and was aaallll up in my grill. He yelled at me for “disrespekin’” him in front of his 4 month pregnant wife, then he started walking into to me as I was trying to walk away. Then he did The Reach and pleaded with me not to make him do something he didn’t want to do. I just kept apologizing and insisting that I was neither disrespecting him nor his beautiful 4 month pregnant wife and that I had no money sine I was just returning from doing my laundry. He asked how much I had spent on the laundry and I said 8 quarters at which point he insisted I could pay him in quarters. Anyway, eventually, his 4 month pregnant wife sort of gave him a signal and they both just left.
Soon after came the flood of should haves, could haves, would haves (just as the time before, except this time I didn’t have Phil or Will to bounce them off), a flood in which I am still caught up.
Anyway, the result of this is as follows: I am now officially a racist. This doesn’t mean I will start listening to Hatecore music (which sucks) or start wearing a hood or anything as dramatic as that, what this means is that from now on, every stereotype is guilty until proven otherwise. I can only go with what I know from MY OWN LIFE EXPIRENCE. I have had a few good experiences, hundreds of neutral experiences and several bad experiences, one which endangered Christina and resulted in a 40 ounce being thrown at my head). The bad officially outweigh the good and from this point on, I am prejudiced until I have been given reason not to be. Sorry, but every fucking action has an opposite and equally powerful reaction. This fucker called me names, accused me of injuring him and his pride and threatened me, all so he could get a few bucks off me. Proactive panhandling. Ha! At least I can’t accuse this dude of being lazy, mm? Is this because I was white? Because I was carrying a huge bag of laundry and he thought I would just say sorry, here’s some money? I have no idea. But from here on out, prove me wrong or fucking be profiled.
What a pity. I was going to post about today was such a beautiful day. Thanks, Stinky.

3.28.2006

Semprini?

3.28.06
9:15 PM
Oh ho! I was quite the tricky devil today, I tell you!! After my morning audition for something called Cablevision (I fucking loathe Cablevision auditions) I was ready to be a depressive asshole ALL DAY until it was Hospital time. BUT I tricked myself into going to swim instead. I remembered that I had switched part of my shift with another operator so I didn’t go on until 5pm. I realized that swimming at 11:32 am was totally feasible…and I did so. In fact, I did a hooty poo more than that…
I took my regiment from 70 to 80 laps (to see if my body could handle it/tell the difference) and that went great, then I enjoyed a steam and a stretch in the Totally Hetero Steam Room (not to be confused with the Hyper GAIDS in Your Poop Chute Steam Room…NEVER to be confused with that one…oooooh no, not unless you want to open your brown eye in terrible, piercing surprise…) after which I had a pleasant (and also totally hetero) shower in the Totally Hetero Shower Room. I then had my shoes shined (yes, there is a Shoe Shine Boy enlisted at the New York Athletic Club (I’m sure to no one’s surprise)) and met up with Chris for Dog Bottling and lunch. I had a large lunch. Tres grand. Very tres grand. While I was waiting for Chris to return the celebrity dog to its handlers I stopped into a nearby Tower Records and blew some money on Peaches’ “Fatherfucker” and Prince’s “Lovesexy”. I figured if I am to truly enjoy Peaches when I see her (against my will) in June, I should know her stuff. “Fatherfucker” is her second album and, although it won’t be showing up as a Short List nominee any time soon, it is a far cry better than her first album It is still simple and vulgar, but there is some sort of dirty complexity to it that was absent from her first “effort”. As far as “Lovesexy”? Well, as a man who uses that to describe himself, I feel like I should own the album for which the term was coined. Also, I don’t own NEARLY enough Prince albums.
Going back to the June NIN concert for a moment, tomorrow is the super advanced fan club pre-sale (which will last about three minutes). It starts at noon sharp and I have another Evergreen Financial voiceover booked from 9 am to 11am. I am INCREDIBLY worried I will not make it back to my PC in time but I have my trusty sister as a backup. If she sleeps through my call, she will not live to see her next Birthday. This last leg of the tour (early June to 7/09) will be the last NIN tour in the U.S. for a while (said Trent Reznor in a recent post) and he assures everyone that they will not be disappointed when they come to see it. I caught one show from the first leg (sort of a “getting used to the new material” leg, nothing major as far as production), one from the second (100% perfect in every way), missed this current (third) leg (mostly bumblefuck towns scattered around the U.S.) and I plan to catch the nearest one to me on this fourth and final leg. In fucking Long Island’s Jones Beach Amphitheater. Fucking asshole tour booking agent. Camden, NJ, Long Island, NY and Saratoga, NY. Yeah. Good one. Anyway, I’m not like those people that see the five (or twelve) shows nearest them. I like to have one night, one image in my head with which to associate the current live interpretation of the band. According to the chick from the production house (Paula Satorius…LOVE that fucking name, like a Bond villainess…) we’re booked from 9 to 11 so I should have an hour to get from Broadway between 49th and 50th to my home. I am planning on taxiing like a ‘mofugger jet plane and (I’ve always wanted to do this) telling the driver there’s an extra five or ten in it for him if he gets me there by 11:50. Actually, that reminds me, I have to hit the ATM before I leave for the studio tomorrow. Hang on, I’m going to do that now…

10:00 PM
Iight. All set. Just a note for you all that read this and that gave me checks, a lot of them are going to clear my account tomorrow and one is going to clear Thursday. The down payment ($750) will be deducted very soon (probably this week) and then the rest after that. I don’t know if I have told you all about this vision I had or not but; I see myself making a HUGE breakfast of eggs and bacon and cantaloupe for everyone in the house. Gia will be bringing her Waffle Maker so, that’s sexy. As far as beds and who is sleeping where goes, refer to my earlier entry (somewhere on this page) for the order of confirmation and bed preferences. There are four bedrooms (two with queens and two with two twins) and a queen sofa bed. We can go by the list, or we can work out who goes where when we all get together. The only two couples are Chris and I and Lauren and Ray (but they will not be able to stay the whole seven days, maybe four or so) so anyone with a problem with the sleeping arrangements can switch with them when they vacate. Also, we are/aren’t expecting four other people (Will, Jen, Lisa and Leah) who might be able to crash in, on or around the extra bed(s) if everyone wants to stay where they started. Again, bring your own beach towels, linens (bed sheets, pillow cases etc.) and condoms. Any condoms given out by me will be covered in sand, inside and out (if you’re into that, call me later), you have been warned.
I think I am done here…

3.27.2006

Never mind

3.27.06
3:27 PM
Nine Inch Nails just announced yesterday that they are planning on recording their 3/28 and 3/30 shows in HD for a possible DVD release. I wish he hadn’t. Now I’m going to be drooling with expectation for the next three years (or however long it takes those slow fuckers to compile two nights and three hours worth of footage). Sigh. IF they like the footage (since Reznor is an annoyingly perfectionistic artist) it could be years before we see a release date (which is as solid as taffy until you are holding it in your hands) and another few months before it is released.
The last live DVD (which was really excellent) took two years between the end of the tour and its release. As far as extra features, it wasn’t as laden with as much stuff as fans wanted (but that isn’t saying much), but it was decent. Three promotional spots, the live performance of “Starfuckers, Inc.” with Marilyn Manson at Mason Square Garden, a “hidden” live video for the song “Reptile” which, for some reason, wasn’t included (I guess it would be considered a deleted scene or something along those lines). There was also the option to lock the camera into place for the multimedia portion of the show (three thirty-foot LCD screens rotating down from the ceiling) and there was a commentary track by the creator of the video footage. The most interesting bonus feature was a combination music video and live video for “The Day The World Went Away”. This was the first single from the album this show was supporting (“The Fragile”) and there was originally going to be a full fledged music video for it, but it was cancelled by Reznor because he thought it was “stupid and shitty”. What they did for the DVD was use the existing footage they shot for the music video and edited it together and then, at the climax of the song, switched over to the live video. It was interesting to see and made all the fans weep for the original video that was never to be. Along with all the above stuff, there was also a photo gallery.
It was an excellent release and I hope that this new one just tops the hell out of it. They regularly play eight of the thirteen tracks on the new album (and three they occasionally play) and I would be happy with all but one, plus they’ve been playing four or five tracks they haven’t played since their tour in ‘94. Then there are the six or seven staples that sound new thanks to an all new band interpreting them. There are also six or seven miscellaneous songs that are from random eras that they rotate to make the show feel fresh for obsessed fans that see three or four shows in a row.
All in all they have enough new and reinterpreted material to make an excellent DVD but even if they half-ass it I’ll still buy the fucker. That is what it means to be dedicated, obsessed
(but only like a 4 on the Obsession Scale, not like a 7 or 8) and bored.
On a totally different subject: the Silent Hill movie. Man that looks good. Don’t fuck this up, Gans.

3.25.2006

I'm checking out one of the NIN opening bands right now. They're called Tv On the Radio. Pretty good stuff. They sound like Beta Band and Arcade Fire with some original flovor in there. You should check them out.
Also, the checks have been deposited, so you might be missing $220. Don't worry.

3.24.2006

RIGHT CLAW SOUTH!!!!

3.24.06
3:30 PM
Where oh where has my little dog gone?
Oh! Where oh where has he gone?!
So far I am being driven batshit insane.
The phone and board have NOT STOPPED and NONE of the calls have been from people I know or want to talk to. I did NOT sign up for this! I signed up in order to read books, watch movies, listen to music, write inflammatory bits of drivel and get paid lots of money for it. Damn Skippy! Hooty HOOOOOO! Uhn! Muneh muneh muneh mu-NAAAAAY! Hooty hooty HOOOOOOOO!!! If Owl Boy were a gangsta, he would sound like that. Hooty HOOOOOOO~~~~ Hey! Check it out, a tilda!! I just heart tildes! What in the fizzing fuck does a tilda do? Some sort of computer thing I assume.
I’m thinking of getting a tattoo. A small (size of a quarter) circle on my left arm. Not sure where exactly, but the arm for sure.
Found out yesterday that Trent Reznor has decided on Peaches to open (along with Bauhaus) for the second half of the new tour. I’m only a bit familiar with her music and I recognized her song from “Lost in Translation” in the strip club (“Suckin’ on my titties like you want me to cum…”) but I had not heard more than that. Lauren played me a bit more and she’s sort of like Lords of Acid with less talent… and a lot more ugly. She is as ugly as sin. Ugly sin, not like lust or some other attractive sin. And you know how some people aren’t very attractive, but they’re personality makes up for that? Or they aren’t attractive but they pretend to have a lot of self confidence so no one will notice? No. Not in this case. Her, her personality and her misconstrued sense of self confidence are as ugly as sin. Really nasty, slutty sin.
And she is opening (along with the Bauhaus) for Nine Inch Nails.
Jesus Fucking Christ is this going to be a memorable show.
***********************************************************
Also, I just found out that eels is having a free EELS HEARTS NY concert (in appriciation for the success of thir "Live at Town Hall" CD and DVD) Tuesday, June 13th at the World Financial Plaza. If you can't afford this, go move to Russiaaaaaa...

3.23.2006

Mmmmmmm......

3.23.06
4:50 PM
I feel sexy today. Like Brad Majors in the Floorshow sexy. I want my mother to know how sexy I feel. I want to send my father brochures on how to feel this sexy. I want to write members of my local government and tell them (with a mathematic preciseness) just how sexy I feel.
But they wouldn’t understand.
Only I understand.
Me and Prince.
Like peas in a VERY sexy pod.

3.22.2006

Rappenin' is what's happenin'

3.22.06
8:24 PM
I just saw one of those old “anti-drug” ads and it featured some chick talking about pot being bad. The thing is she was in a Laundromat. As in the photographer used a Laundromat as a background. What the fuck does that mean? Is there a certain demographic of chicks that hang out and smoke pot in Laundromats? God danm. I’m never washing my clothes again.
Philip has officially returned home to Miami. Punch and pie will be served.

10:45 PM
Just saw another old “anti-drug” thing in which, basically, a bunch of surfers stated they would “never think about smoking pot”.
*Sigh*
My “anti-drug” is actually believing that surfers don’t smoke pot. That’s what gives me strength.
Jesus.
3.22.06
3:18 PM
The people here are, for the most part, so fucking banal I feel like a chartered accountant. When they aren’t reading right out of “The Great Big Fucking Annoying Book of Office Clichés” they’re just…actually, no, they’re only ever reading out of the aforementioned book.
“Wow, can you BELIEVE this weather?!”, “If THEY listened to me, things would be a LOT better here”, “I swear I’m going to quit unless ________, I swear!” (this one repeated at least 16 times a week for 8 to 36 years), “Boy oh boy I wish it was Friday!” etc. There are also person-specific catchphrases which are made worse by the personalization; specific annoying things that specific annoying people constantly spew.
However, it isn’t these workplace chestnuts that really bother me; it’s when two or more of these gasbags get together and just start bouncing the Mundane Chatter Ball back and forth. They’re like Furbies: chittering and hissing at each other about “man, this job is NUTS! I can’t TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” (waves hands over their head) “Whoa! Don’t you quit without me! I’m coming TOO!” (points rapidly between them and the first one with wide “comical” eyes) “Hang on! Let me start copying my RESUME!!!!” (third one takes random piece of paper they are holding and turns in direction of the copier) (they all laugh) Click. Then they wander off to their respective posts and wait for some other dissident to stumble over and start the whole shit over again. Like bad NPC’s in a rushed and shoddy video game that no one will purposely buy.
There was a time when Phil was living here when he might have gotten a job in my department. THAT would have been pure rock since I’ve never worked (in the professional sense) with a friend.
Ye gods.
Anyway.
Anyway high-fived Nick Lachey stuck a pin in Jessica’s head and walked away…
I purchased Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and his and Terry Pratchett’s Good Omens (which was to become a movie directed by Terry Gilliam but fell through). It’s about time I read these. And if I dig these like dirt, I will check out Anansi Boys.
Totally unrelated (not really, there is a Gilliam connection), I watched 12 Monkeys last night for the first time in almost ten years and I totally got it this time. I love this movie. Anyone who thinks Bruce Willis is one dimensional should see this film. And anyone who STILL doesn’t respect Brad Pitt as a varied actor should also check it out. Gilliam in top form.
Yargh.
Fucking working.
I could have gone to a Prodigy concert tonight…

3.20.2006

Rejoice, my milquetoast babies!!!

3.20.06
7:20 PM
What the fuck is going on?! It’s like the goddamn beginning of Winter out here!
It’s too cold to be March.
On the good side though, last night I saw People Are Wrong with Mel, Christina Nongirlfriend and Dorothy and since we just happened to sit right next to Robin’s (one of the writers and the wife of John Flansburgh) parents, she came right over at the end of the show. I sat there awkwardly hoping that she wouldn’t think I had intentionally sat by her parents (something I did accidentally at an earlier performance of PAW) until she looked over and say, “Oh! Hi…Paul, right?” Then things got a little less creepy. And part of me thinks the whole “does she think I’m a stalker” thing is moot since she’s seen me in “Lysistrada: The Musical” and since we ran into each other at that Crispin (Hellion) Glover movie thing (that was a singularly weird experience made even weirder by the fact that John Flansburgh’s wife was there, sitting right behind me.).
Anyway, I found out that the reason they were doing PAW at Joe’s Pub was to get in shape for the recording of the official studio version in a week or two. I have been waiting for that since I first saw this back in the Summer of 2003. So that totally rocks.
Another thing that rocks is my doublefat check from the Capitol Lighting thing has come in and I’m picking that up n Wednesday or so.
PLUS the shoot on Saturday went fucking awesome and, according to Ray, we have some amazing footage.
On top of all this, Berger Realty sent the lease and I have sent the down payment for BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX. We are locked in, friends. Start your anticipation.
Aside from the 10 Big Shots who will definitely in attendance, we might be visited by the four ghosts of I-Couldn’t-Commit-For-Some-Reason-Or-Another-mas: Lisa (of whom 74% is actually, legally owned by the Japanese), Jen (intimidated by cooperate thugs), Leah (under the influence of Derek) and Will (victim of Hyper X-Prize GAIDS). Our home will have four bedrooms, two with two twin beds, two with a queen each and a queen sized sofa bed. Sex is freely encouraged as is sleeping in the ocean. According to the lease, this house DOES NOT provide linens or towels or anything (apparently that is a house by house basis) so bring your own towels, bathing things, shampoos and soaps, blankets, sheets etc. Don’t freak out if you forget something because you can always nip down to the nearest (chain store where these things are readily available) and get a placebo. God damn is this exciting! I have a beach boner that will last until the first of July at least. I have “The Big Chill” arriving from Netflix in a few days. I am considering on formulating our trip around the plot and events of this movie. Who wants to commit suicide? Actually, never mind, I don’t want to lay any of the stress on you. I’ll handle it.

3.15.2006

3.15.06
10:10 PM
I just finished The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin. Excellent book. It’s about sleep, dreaming and the thinness of reality. I feel a bit beat since I’ve been swimming and all that so my mind isn’t really up to a comprehensive review, but I highly recommend it. Very interesting stuff. It also has one of the most beautiful passages in it. It’s from Victor Hugo’s Travailleurs de la Mer (Workers of the Sea). Since I have nothing but time and burning eyes on my hands, I will share it with you.

“Daydream, which is to thought as the nebula is to the star, boarders on sleep, and is concerned with it as its frontier. An atmosphere inhabited by living transparencies: there’s a beginning of the unknown. But beyond it the Possible opens out, immense. Other beings, other facts, are there. No supernaturalism, only the occult continuation of infinite nature.…Sleep is in contact with the Possible, which we also call the improbable. The world of the night is a world. Night, as night, is a universe….The dark things of the unknown world become neighbors of man, whether by true communication or by a visionary enlargement of the distances of the abyss…and the sleeper, not quite seeing, not quite unconscious, glimpses the strange animalities, weird vegetations, terrible or radiant pallors, ghosts, masks, figures, hydras, confusions, moonless moonlights, obscure unmakings of miracle, growths and vanishings within a murky depth, shapes floating in shadow, the whole mystery which we call Dreaming, and which is nothing other than the approach of an invisible reality. The dream is the aquarium of Night.”


About six months before it was finished (mid to late 2005), Trent Reznor had planned to call his new album “bleed through” and it was to deal with certain aspects of one reality “bleeding through” into others and it was to capture that concept in its sound. He threw out the idea in favor of a “drug recovery” album, but he kept a lot of the “reality is not real” stuff. On the website around the time “With Teeth” (the new album’s eventual title) was still “bleed through” the official Nine Inch Nails web site had quotes and bits and pieces from The Lathe of Heaven scattered around it. After reading this book, there’s this whole new depth to the NIN album but I still want to ask Reznor what the connection (if any) there actually is between the book and the album.
Speaking of which, NIN s playing at Jones Beach Saturday, June 17th (or whatever Saturday that is) and since Christina can’t go (Woman’s Group thing) I will have an extra ticket. Mind you, this is not merely a ticket to a Nine Inch Nails show, this is a ticket to the sound check (Nine Inch Nails plays three or four songs for an audience of fifty or so) and band meet and greet (go on, tell Trent you think he looks like Trevor) plus early admission to the venue. I plan to take my place at the very back of the pit (no hustle, no bustle and the PERFECT view of the whole show) so anyone interested, let me know. I think it’s like $65 or so. Honestly, I think Ray and Dorothy might be the only people interested in going, but I’m letting it swing up here in case anyone is interested.
My relief is here. Time to fizz…….
Silent Hill trailer
Lord is this going to be scary...

3.13.2006

Ladies and gentlemen...announcing, for the first time EVER...
BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX!!!
I am calling the realtor tomorrow and by the end of this week we will be locked in like angry beavers!! Also before the end of the week I will have collected your checks (made out to me) for $220 ($2200 for the week without taxes taken into account, so you might need to kick in a few more bucks, but $220 is the entry fee and obviously none of them will be cashed until things are totally finalized).
Starting Saturday, June 24th running until Saturday, July 1st, we will be in control of the 2nd floor of 1135 Central Street, Ocean City, NJ. Amenities include three televisions, DVD/VCRs, washer/dryer, dishwasher, microwave, ceiling fans, A/C, a patio, a roof top deck, an outside shower, garage and more.

24 Hour Party People (in order of confirmation):
Paul the Tall
Christina the Girlfriend
Becca the Birthday Lesbian
Alan the Dark Bellboy
Gia the Obelisk
Lauren the Psychotherapist
Ray the Unnameable
Christina the Nongirlfriend
Dorothy the Hamilton of Holscher
Mel of the Gibson

Will and Jen are STILL not sure (they have the most serious and binding jobs of all of us aside from me) so if they are able they might swing up for a few days of floor sleeping and general insults hurled by us. Anyway, expect me at your respective door some time this week looking for checks.
Oooooh, I can practically feel the sand in my bunghole...

3.09.2006

I'm tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin...

3.6.06
4:05 PM
I'm having a bad day, but I just made myself laugh. I'm at work and I was reflecting on how bad of a day this is. A patient rings their bell and I respond "Someone is on their way to..." and then I pause. I almost said, "to destroy you" instead of "to assist you". And that's the kind of day this is.

8:11 PM
My day was greatly improved by cheese enchiladas.


3.9.06
9:19 PM
"Bacon is the food of joy."

- Sarah Vowell
from The Partly Cloudy Patriot

If this is indeed true (and I believe with every fiber of my being that it is…except for pigs) then I should be feasting on bacon. Bacon xmax. We have almost all the confirmations for the Ocean City trip (a much catchier, more excellent title to come) and then it will go from a wet dream to a wet reality. Wet with bacon.
The only thing to do now is watch as people cancel on me and fall away like flies in a cold snap.
Think I’ll go for a walk outside, the summer sun's callin' my name...

3.04.2006

Somehow, I'm wet...

I don't wanna take my clothes off
but I do

I don't wanna turn nobody on
unless it's you

I don't wanna dance too hard
but this is a groove

I'm hot and I don't care who knows it
I got a job to do...

Thus spake Prince. His new album, "3121", will be released March 21st and his new video will impregnate everyone who sees it.

Go have Prince's baby..."Black Sweat" video.

3.03.2006

Life's a beach...I mean, bitch. Life's a bitch, sorry.

From June 24th to July 1st I am renting a beach house in Ocean City, New Jersey (NOT Ocean City, Maryland...whatever state THAT fucking is). The house is amazing with multiple bedrooms, bathrooms, a porch with deck furniture, a grill, washer/dryer, ceiling fans, television, outside shower, parking and other amenities. It will break down to about $200 per person for the week. We are within walking distance of the water and a two mile stretch of boardwalk with dozens of homemade ice cream and fudge shops, restaurants, kitch shops, bookstores, amusement parks, putt putt golf and other stuff. We are also going to be about a half hour from Atlantic City, so you could conceivably pay for the whole week (or quadruple your losses) in a matter of minutes. The first people to get in touch and confirm with get the best rooms so get in touch ASAP.
This is going to fucking rock.
Phil and Kaitlyn, if you are back in the U.S. this is extended to you two as well.