Ow.

My eyes hurt.

Seriously, it really is only built for cuban linx.

9.25.09

7:51 pm

Just finished "Rant".

That book takes quite a turn in the last sixth or so.

Way to go, Chuckster.

Watched the remake of Friday the 13th a few nights ago.

While I don't really think the series needed a "reboot" and I would have loved to see the mythic Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash plot that was in the works, they did an all right job of it.

Nothing too cheesy.

And Jason, while still able to apparently teleport, now runs! And has amazing archery and trap laying and tunneling skills!

He was more like a Green Beret gone Section 8 than a supernatural monster man.  He wasn't stabbed or shot forty times without feeling it, he was just really efficient.

I hope they don't make another ten movies before rebooting it again though, that would be a waste.

My mind was wandering on my way to work today and I reflected on just how creepy and awkward a key party is.

Did any of you see The Ice Storm?

Not only a good movie, but a great depiction of just how creepy and awkward a key party could be.

Granted I've been in a committed relationship for almost a decade, but still, sounds creepy and awkward...yeah...you picked those keys...go fuck Fred.

*SHUDDER*

Fred's gross.

Freds are always gross.

Although Freddie McFarren wasn't gross, he was more...rambunctious.

(He was this guy I went to grade school with.)

BUT he wasn't a Fred...he was a Freddie.

Freddie Mercury wasn't gross either so I suppose my hypothesis still holds fruit.

Ah, fruit.

I'm going to read some comics.

Then I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Actually, I'm going to watch Observe and Report.

Whoa.

I just sneezed ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

Hope you like hot dogs...

Happy Tears

9.24.09

8:06 pm

Just finished this week's Onion.

Good one.

Such headlines include "Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam" (with an excellent accompanying photo), "Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached At 3:32 This Friday", "Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist" and an opinion piece by LaVar Burton entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over".

Well done.

About to finish up "Rant", the third most recent Palahniuk book.

After his first few books, it seemed that Chuck Palahniuk grew tired of just writing a book and had to throw in some crazy literary smokescreen (this is a diary written about the owner of a different diary written by a house...in second person) which was maybe to distract from the lackluster core story.

That was totally the case with his latest "Pygmy", but "Rant" (which is told as a series of interviews with people who knew the main character) has a really intriguing world going on in the background.

Picked up "Stranger Than Fiction", Palahniuk's non-fiction collection, today.

When I get in a mood, I really get in a mood, don't I?

I'm also about to embark on the Knightfall storyline from 1992, apparently one of the only Batman stories to really nail Bane rather than just have him be an angry steroids junky.

But, first, No Man's Land, recommended to me by Alan a while ago.

'S gonna be Batastic.

Or maybe even namblatentastic.

Who knows?

Away this weekend for eye stuff.

God damn these rotten grapes.

Rub A Dub Dub...I'm A Frat Boy Rapist

9.18.09

4:03 pm

Remember that busy, motherplucking day I had last week?

Turns out I booked the parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles thing, but they ended up having a callback which was really a re-audition wherein they had the guys just do a normal voice rather than the character voice.

I was a bit peeved because I thought the high pitched one was great, but whatever.

Three hours in a studio with three other guys, four if you include the director, Rob, who is from L.A. and just shot a music video in which hot strippers were covered in slime at 1000 frames per second.

Ah the Business of Show...

It was wonderful, brilliant fun and the improv was filthy.

Should be out the first week or so of November.

The Davidoff thing is out and the CNN thing should be out soon.

I'll post links soon.

Been pretty fruitful recently.

Must be doing something right.

Also put three more Dead Ends up last night, as well as a new pun.

Sure wish Phil and Jess would pull their respective thumbs out of their respective asses and man up...shit, nig.

Going to some pre-wedding thing tomorrow.

*sigh*

I swear there will be no wedding shenanigans for me and Chris.

We're going to get married, quietly, in a lake in Maine or in a coyote den in the desert or in our bathroom, have a "Change of Facebook Status" party and maybe some cake.

Cake for us, not you.

No dresses, airplanes, farting, gifts, beer, nothing.

Just two awesome people in love.

Unless she finds out about my collection of circumcised clitori.

Might be a deal breaker.

Might.

Picking up my iPod today.

The headphone jack was being a dick and Apple wanted to charge me 175 fucking dollars to replace it.

And it would have taken over a week.

Tekserve wanted to charge me $50.

And it took them two days.

So I deferred to Tekserve.

You Apple fucks.

iTunes has a flawed interface!!!

Anyway.

I just came up with a new friend for Peter Firehead to play with.

His name is Mr. Face.

10:54pm
Just as I was about to leave one of the boiled potatoes I work with began to wax political about the mayor.
He lost all credibility (or whatever credibility he started with) when he referred to the mayor's "croonies".

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

9.17.09

3:42 pm

Motherfucker.

I hate.

Killkillkillkillkiollkilklklklkikiklklk.

But let allow me to take a step back...

Sergeant Mann (the guy on 3 to 11 with me who I respected and whose company I enjoyed) was fired because the High Up Guy didn't like him.

The person they have replacing him in this interim is the heinous, skin bleachingly annoying chatterbox loudymouth fucking loquacious duck fucker I mentioned in "Hot Mess Vs. OH-KAY!".

Of course you don't remember her because none of you have ever had the displeasure of having her splinter of a voice and personality jammed into your eyeballs, genitals and under your finger and toenails.

Some bullet points:

Her voice is so high pitched it makes my eyes water.

She is constantly on the phone, where she reverts to what the fuck ever accent she was raised around and starts sort of trilling, putting as many words into one breath as she can, all spoken in that needle high tone of voice.

She does that goddamned "OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-KAY" thing maybe forty times an hour.

She talks with her mouth full.  Now, I don't mean 'with food in her mouth', everyone does that, I mean she crams a fist-sized clod of food into her mouth and starts talking; to people, on the phone, she acts as if it isn't there.  I'm actually okay with that because every time she does it she's just inches away from choking to death and finally shutting the fuck up.

And she's here until further notice.

Not only does the ONE person I don't loathe here lose his job, but they replace him with one of the four people I would gladly kill with my bare hands.

I love life.

I may start taking drugs.

New pun up on RSPS.

Eat it.

Going to keep putting up Fireheads on Mondays.

Almost done with another Dead End.

Maybe tonight? Tomorrow?

I have no idea and I wouldn't tell you if I did.

Inglourious Beavers

9.14.09

3:25 pm

First off, black folks be LOVIN' Medea!!!!

She be alllll like 'Shut up!!" and then she be like "Oh LORD!!!" and then Joe be like "You can't spring all that ugly onna man!!!" and then Joe be like "Shit!!!!"

Can someone PLEASE explain the success or even the appeal of these shitty looking movies?

Please?

Are they like Police Academy for black people?

Like really stupid comedy so stupid that it's funny?

Or like...fuck.

I can't think of a white equivalent.

Someone help me out.

I don't want to watch them...but I might have to just to make sure they are actually terrible.

But again: black folks be LOVIN' THEM SOME MEDEA!!!

And P.S. racist or not, everything above is DIRECT FUCKING QUOTE from two different people working here.

And I was not one of them.

This weekend was full of things and stuff.

On Saturday, I saw 'Inglourious Basterds', finally.

And guess what?

Didn't really like it a lot.

Problem is I've had months of hype (years of it if you know that this is Tarentino's "World War II film" here's been working on/planning since 'Jackie Brown') and after 'Kill Bill' and 'Death Proof' I now have a certain expectations from Tarentino's stuff.

Some of it was great, but a lot of it just seemed a bit...un-Tarentino.

Plus the fact that he named the movie after this troop of Nazi-killing maniacs who were in the movie for about a half hour.

Only four or five or the eight of them even speak!

I didn't feel any connection to them and they're the title of the movie.

Oh well.

Maybe his World War III movie will be better.

Was going to see 'World's Greatest Dad' but the fucking thing doesn't exist anymore.

It was released on August 21st and now, it's playing in White Plains, NY.

That's it.

Robin Williams must have REALLY sucked in his last ten movies or so to be this badly treated.

Sunday was the shit.

I went hiking on Bear Mountain with Chris and we went to this zoo that was even more the shit than Sunday.

We saw an epileptic bobcat named Natasha, a pair of coyotes, some owls, an excellent box turtle, a British big mouthed bass, a bunch of bears, two or which were frolicking like the bears they were, friendly peepers, the lack of beavers, a belligerent bald eagle, an hyperactive otter, the goddamned laziest pair of porcupines in the world and a bunch of other cool animal friends.

Super awesome.

We then rented a busted ass rowboat which was less fun than being mauled by an epileptic bobcat.

It was truly awesome.

I love animals.

And now I must go because I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HEAR JUST HOW FUNNY MEDEA WAS THIS TIME AROUND!!!

THAT LADY JUST CAN'T KEEP HERSELF OUT OF TROUBLE!!!!!

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!

WHHHOOOOAAAA!!!!!!

Kill. Me.

The Terrorists Have Won.

9.11.09

4:06 pm

Busy, goddamn, motherplucking day.

Three auditions scattered throughout the morning, starting with a faux Darth Vader and a mimicking of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana vocalist for some Halloween thing, then some suede and gravitas vox about keeping kids safe from the flu and finally, some hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles for a parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles.

I'm fucking wrecked.

And to add to the general wreckage, I've been soaked in both rain and sweat since I stepped outside which is supergreat when all the auditions are held in stylishly remodeled meat lockers.

And now I have seven hours left here.

With the Trogs.

Seeing World's Greatest Dad tomorrow with Lisa, Alan and Chris.

Good to see Robin Williams getting something that doesn't involve living kids.

Did that make sense?

God I'm beat.

Oh, also, at the flu/suede/gravitas vox audition, when I entered the lobby and removed my solipsistic headphones, I was assaulted by 520 8th Avenue's...Remembrance Celebration?

It was a bunch of overexcited douchebags in red, white and blue lame jumpsuits singing that song about the caissons rollin' along.

One was actually interacting with the people coming in, marching in place and smiling and, for a second, it was about to address me, but I think my look of hate, disgust and shock might have been enough to deter it.

Remember when people just used to be quiet for Crash Day?

Me neither.

Because IT NEVER HAPPENED.

The media and most everyone else has just been as shrill as on the day it happened.

Honestly, does ANYONE need reminding?

Especially anyone in New York City?!

AND DO THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED BY SOME COCKHOLES IN JUMPSUITS SINGING ABOUT CAISSONS!!?!?!!?

If I'd had mastery of time and space for just that one moment this morning, I would have teleported those fruit snacks back to the morning of September 11th, 2001 and duct taped them all to the fucking North face of Tower One.

Tell me more about your caissons, please.

7:31 pm

So the final four Nine Inch Nails shows were September 2nd, 6th, 8th and last night in L.A.

Over the course of the last two, about half the show was Reznor and his usual band while the rest of it was Reznor pulling out a myriad of guest stars including Dave Navarro (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction), Gary Numan (just Gary Numan), Mike Garson (David Bowie), Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan), HEALTH, Danny Lohner (old NIN bassist), Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) and Atticus Ross (12 Rounds and a lot of work on the last two or three NIN studio albums).

So half of the set was Reznor playing with these guys while they did most of the singing.

When I saw them in New York, everyone in the audience was hoping and praying for Bowie to show up (the son of a whore lives, like, two miles from the gig) but all we got, two nights in a row, was Peter Murphy.

He was only on stage for three songs each night, so it wasn't horrible.

They were both fully Nine Inch Nails concerts.

But the final two Nine Inch Nails shows ever were half other people and a third other people's music.

Quite frankly, I would have been a bit pissed at only hearing fifteen Nine Inch Nails songs preformed by Nine Inch Nails at their last two shows ever (or for five years or ten years or whenever Reznor gets bored of being a newlywed).

The fact that, aside from Danny Lohner, I don't really care much about any of the guests probably lends to that claim.

Bowie would have done it for me though.

But he didn't show up, so, yeah.

Next up: Waiting for NIN to release the concert DVD chronicling the final ten shows ever.

Moichendizing! Moichendizing! Moichendizing!

9:03 pm

So.

A woman just called me, at 9:02 pm on a Friday evening, from what sounded like the best house party since the movies of that name and asked me what insurance I (the operator) take.

I wanted to answer "all typesa shit" but I didn't.

Does this mean I like having my job or merely that I like having a job?

9:33 pm

Just got off the phone with Phil.

We have invented three new words which need definitions:

Namblatencity

(nam-blah-TEN-si-tee)

and

Namblatentastic

(nam-blah-ten-TAS-tic)

and

Namblatenacity
(nam-blah-ten-ASS-i-tee)

Keep it clean.

Peking! Duck!

9.9.09

10:34 pm

What's with me watching a shit load of bad movie lately?

First off, "Mad Max".

Never seen it before, know it's part of some crazy, oft referenced series starring Mel Gibson, Tina Turner and a midget in some post-apocalyptic wasteland battle arena.

How have I NOT seen this, right?

Well, turns out "Mad Max" blows dingoes.

Next, "Knowing".

From the word 'go' I knew this was going to be bad, but I wanted to see why and how.

Nicolas Cage.

Yes, I get it, he's horrible.

But, was he the reason the movie sucked or did his horrible suck infect the whole thing?

So I downloaded it and experienced first hand the disaster that is "Knowing".

The most shocking thing was that the movie (aside from the acting) was pretty good...until the aliens showed up.

*sigh*

Why are there so many aliens in the third acts of movies today?!

Jesus!

And why are all imbued with the ability to ruin a movie so wholly?

The truth is out there...and it is ruining movies.

And last night "Suspiria".

As Chris and I were wading into this ocean of shit, she was furiously Googling this filmic abortion.

Turns out "people" consider it to be one of the best horror movies ever.

I put people in quotes because, after you watch this movie and say it's good, you are no longer considered a human being.

It's not even "so bad it's good" bad.

It's just "bad".

I mean bad.

No quotes.

But, I have just finished the first season of "Fringe".

And I must reassess my original summation of this show.

It is more than just "J.J. Abrams loves the X-Files! Watch!"

It's not nearly as good as the X-Files, but it's a solid show and I look forward to the second season which starts...next week?

And...I've also just finished the new Palahniuk Pygmy.

It wasn't great.

I am about to embark upon the third most recent Palahniuk Rant.

Looks more promising.

Also interested in seeing:

District 9

Inglourious Basterds

Big Fan

Extract

World's Greatest Dad

And finally, I'm thinking of starting up Bite the Music again.

See if we can't fucking get our shit together now that we're five years older.

Working on finishing up some Dead Ends I started when the blog was stated so, keep an eye out.

Okay.

Done.

Oh and Batman Arkham Asylum is fucking awesome.