12.30.2005

Sweatsockdouchebagmotherfucker

12.29.05
7:04 PM
I just got to announce that someone was parked in a handicapped space and has to move their car. I totally had to restrain myself from calling them a douchebag over the PA system.

So last night I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time. I have to say, it’s a credit to Matt Damon’s acting ability that he was able to convince me as a viewer that he found Minnie Driver attractive. Yeesh. Both he and John Cusak. I couldn’t decide if I hated her or the Boston accent more.
And I didn’t know the “apple” guy was Cyril O’Reilly from Oz. I loved that character and I cried when he was being lead to the electric chair. His character in GWH was less likeable.
Anyway, I think the title was idiotic but on the whole a very good movie. I’m surprised it had such mass appeal. It isn’t what I would call your typical movie for the masses. Those accents though…yeech.

12.28.2005

12.28.05
4:24 PM
You know those cookies that come in the large, round, blue tin? “Dutch Cookies” I think their proper name is? I am constantly disappointed by those. I mean…there’s just nothing to them. Someone says, “Hey, you want a cookie?” and you get handed one of those…I don’t know…always a letdown. It’s like they forsook quality for quantity. For five dollars, you could get a bag of fifteen Verona (the Pepperidge Farm shortbread cookies with a pool of raspberry or strawberry/apricot filling) or one hundred plain ass Dutch Cookies.
Don’t get me wrong, if you have no cookies, they are indeed cookies and will qualify in any sort of “Is This A Cookie?” type of game, but in a store, I would never even think of picking those up unless I was going to a party with 70 people I didn’t like.
They’re like…protocookies. Cookie templates. First-draft cookies. Like someone was about to put on sprinkles or chocolate or jelly, but they just didn’t have enough time. They’re half-assed.
Then again, they are cookies and I respect them for that. But if any of you ever throw a party and serve these, I will be openly upset and might just eat them all to see of there is any flavor in any of them or maybe just to spite you. I’ll try to mix it up.
On a completely different note: Today someone beautiful and terrible was created by me. To be more accurate today the creation process was finished by me. But let’s not split hairs…please. This is the first piece in a puzzle made in the seventh dimension. I say seventh because the first, second and third dimensions are mundane, the fourth dimension is time, the fifth dimension is a rock group from the 60’s as well as a D.C. comic reality where Mr. Mxyptlk is from and the sixth dimension was covered quite extensively by Robin Goldwasser and Julia Greenberg’s People Are Wrong!. So now I’m claiming the seventh dimension for myself and this project.
To give a few shady details about this project would lead to you form expectations, and we aren’t about all that. All that is bullshit.
All I’ll say is the first piece is the definition of everything so, nowhere to go but further.
Prepare to embrace oblivion.
You will not be spared.

12.27.2005

Now I ride...

12.27.05
7:32 PM

Three more days. Just three more days and it would have been perfect.
Augh.
This grown up life isn’t to my liking. I need to become a famous and well-paid actor yesterday, man. Fuck this five days of Xmas. I would HARDLY call five days of Xmas Xmax. Not by a long shot. My time there, while short, was excellent. I got to return to Kobe Japanese steak house and gorge myself on beautiful things that were slashed and cooked before my eyes, I got to eat good food until my arms stopped moving, I saw nothing but blue sky in 60 degree weather for almost the whole time...ah…peaceful. I also got my teeth cleaned. I enjoyed that slightly less than the food and friends and presents. Slightly xmax.
Will and I spent our first night together crashing a party Kathy went to and our last night together listening to Hilary and Alex’s newborn son defecate. Both were equally enjoyable in different ways.
My parents had a party for Will, his mom and the entire McMullan clan. It was not as painful as I thought it would be. Don’t think that doesn’t mean my father didn’t talk about the NRA, because he did, but at least he didn’t talk about my mother’s vagina…again.
This was a very Monty Python Xmas. Specifically because Will got me “Do Not Adjust Your Set” (what SC-TV was to SNL, this was to Monty Python) and my sister got me the COMPLETE Monty Python’s Flying Circus. 16 fucking discs. I fainted.

8:12 PM
Sorry. Dinner arrived and was then consumed. Fresh guacamole and tortilla chips and black beans and rice. Muey beauno. Chris gets home tomorrow night so I have to fuck as many homeless men as I can as fast as possible.
Also, I sent out invitations to my party on the 23rd. This is going to be the shit. The complete and utter shit.
And now I am going to eat Skittles.

12.15.2005

It was s’posed to be so eeeeeee-zee…

12.15.05

3:38PM
What is it about me that screams “corporate spokesperson”? Is it my long, long hair? Is it my unshaven cheeks? Is it my semen and blood crusted asshole? Whatever the case, someone made a mistake and hired me to do the narration for Evergreen Investment’s employee orientation video. Yesterday morning, I woke my corporate ass up at nine in the blinking morning to wax professional in the name of Evergreen Financial. It is by far the gravest, most boring and fake thing I have ever recorded…but I got mad moneys for doing said grave, boring and fake thing…so it’s okay. It simply goes to prove the point: I will succumb to boredom if you pay me. They also provided bagels, croissants and assorted Danish and that didn’t make the deal any worse either.
If I get a link to the stuff, I’ll post it although I don’t even think I’m interested in hearing this drivel.
I am working on posting my reviews for Gia and Josh’s Bite the Music entries (which will be posted on the LiveJournal site) and once Jade’s hits our shores, we will make a new schedule for round two. I think we’ll be losing Phil and Kaitlyn (nothing personal, I just don’t imagine they would want to spend their finite time in Australia compiling, burning and mailing CD’s. Especially since Kaitlyn is busy getting evicted and expanding her mind (drugs and alcohol) and vagina (Tomas), and Phil is unable to walk and/or is getting his asshole licked with Kung for $150 per half hour). If you two feel otherwise, let me know…) but gaining Christina Nongirlfriend and Dorothy Hamilton Holscher (at her recent Xmas Party they spoke these words…) so who knows? I think there will be some new rules attached about presentation but other than that, no major changes. If any of you want to throw a new person into the mix, let Chris know and she will toss them a password to the seldom used LiveJournal site. All in all I’ve been happy with this round except for the fact that what was originally scheduled to take eight weeks has taken five months (and still waiting on Jade…). If this next round doesn’t happen faster, fuck it, I’ll just do it with Will and Chris. Nyah nyah.
In other news, the invitations will be sent out soon. If you don’t get one…dwell on it.

4:39 PM
I JUST GAVE MEDICAL ADVICE!! Some woman wanted dental but insisted I listen to what she had to say, so I transferred her. Then she called back and was babbling about how they weren’t picking up and if she needed emergency info to hit zero and blah blah blah. I asked what she wanted and she explained how her son blah blah heart condition blah blah antibiotics blah blah could kill him. Whatever. So I tell her not to give her son the medicine until she talks to someone. She calmed down at once.
Frank Abagnale can suck my balls.

12.08.2005

Oh, but that embarassing erection at the end--

12.8.05
3:16 PM

Got two things for you today; first, I’m not in a very “accent” mood. This will assuredly be a problem as the day unfurls. Second, yes, it’s cold, it’s December, it’s the Northeast, shut the fuck up. Talking about the weather in general is boring enough, but saying (with…TOTAL surprise) “Wow! It…is…COLD!!” transcends boring and traverses into the realm of sand-in-my-anus annoying. Christ. Talking about it isn’t going to make yourself any warmer; get a coat. Get two. Just stop talking about it. The only time it is okay to talk about the weather is when quoting Groundhog Day. This quoting should be carried out as follows:
Person One: “It’s cold out there today.”
Person Two: “…it’s cold out there…every day.”

There’s the other line about wearing your booties, but this one is superior.
”Too early for flapjacks?” is also acceptable.
I tried a Phat Burger from the restaurant of the same name last night. Damn. Very good burgers. Asked around and they are NOT the same as Fat Burger (popularized by Biggie Smalls (Going Back to Cali) and Ice Cube (Today Was A Good Day)), the chain in California, but a subsidiary of Jackson Hole. 12 ounce burgers. Mmm mm. Enough to fill even my Jackson Hole.

12.02.2005

Pelvic...THRUST!

12.2.05
4:08 PM
Good day. Very good day.
My ego was stroked this morning and it felt wonderful. Reflecting on this event afterwards (as opposed to reflecting on the event before it happened as so many precooks are prone to do…) I realized that my ego doesn’t get stroked that often. I should hire someone to take care of that. Like an Ego Masseur.
I was at the edge of Manhattan at House and while I was waiting to do this Cablevision voiceover audition (what a stupid name for a company. It’s like Bananafruit or Clothingpants. It sounds like something that people in the 50’s would call a video phone- as in the kind of phone that is in your home and has a camera on it allowing you to see the person you are talking to, not a cell phone with video recording abilities) when this recording engineer comes out and asks if, after the Pencilwriter audition I could come in and do hers. It was for Met Life and they wanted me to do a British accent because I do it well (her words, not mine). So after I did the first one, I went it and did the second one. The second was better because it required something whereas the Cablevision was just typical. They asked for a Monty Python-esque voice. I love my job. I kind of don’t want this because that means more auditions at House and dagblam it it’s a bother to get over there. Then again…I like money, so I’ll take it if it’s offered.
After the audition, I stopped by Jamie Baker’s office. He watched my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory commercial and he dug it.
“It doesn’t sound anything like you!” he cried, astounded.
“You’re my agent, Jamie; you should know what I sound like.” I responded.
After that I went home and watched “Old School”. The first time I saw it, the people I was with weren’t “Old School” kind of people. Not to say that they weren’t L.L. Cool J and Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane, because they were. I just mean that they weren’t the kind of people that really dig this kind of movie. Honestly I think they were unhappy about Snoop’s appearance in the movie. They got jealous. I, myself, am very much so an “Old School” person and loved the move this time around. It had a few scenes with Elisha Cuthbert so, you know, I touched my wang a bit. It was nice.
All in all a good day so far. I am sort of…wait…someone just brought down a cake. God. Damn. This is quite a good day.

4:45 PM
Mm mmm. Cake! Now where was I…? Uh…hmmm…oh yes. I was considering trying out Phat Burger for dinner tonight. I have heard nothing but rave reviews from the security staff for the past few days. They have waffle fries. And a standard burger is 12 ounces. There are big men here who have been unable to finish these burgers. Pussies. One bite, you fags! ONE GODDAMN BITE!
This weekend might be a good…there’s nothing concrete planned or even conceptualized, but I just have this lingering feeling it is to be a good weekend.
Shoot. I hope putting that statement on the Internet doesn’t give me cancer or something.
Speaking of cancer, there’s this shrill old woman who is SUCH a ham. She somehow figured out how to dial zero and now every time anything is wrong she calls me. She tells me the nurses are neglecting her and I say I am not that surprised. Just about an hour ago, she calls up all gasping and coughing and asks to be transferred to respiratory. Hey, lady, can you hear that over your feigned wheezing? It’s the Wah-mbulance coming for you! Wah-oo wah-oo wah-oo! Give me a fucking break. Jennifer Lopez is a better actress than this crotch. “Please (gasp), I need (gasp) respiratory (gasp) the nurses haven’t been here in (gasp) six days (gasp).” Blah blah blah. I’d offer you a quarter to call someone who gives a shit, but you’d waste the whole coin pretending to wheeze.
I think it’s almost time for my break.
Anyone have fun idea for weekend play, cawl me.