Plavix Rock Star or Plavix Xmax

12.18.07
3:57PM
Does your heart have clots?
Why not name them after your enemies...and then destroy them with the sexiest heart medicine ever...PLAVIX.
Why, you might ask as you are curious little weasels, is this the sexiest heart medicine ever?
Well, my mischievous little marmots, I will tell you.
Because I am the Voice featured in several of their advertisements.
And you know if I and my big, sexy voice are involved, it's sexy.
Bacardi...sexy.
Grey Goose...sexy.
Evergreen Financial...sexually arousing.
The Holocaust...very sexy.

What an excellent Christmas present.
I also had a delicious chocolate Muffin while I was waiting.
That's always good.
Plus, I learned some new industry lingo...
"Wild lines" are NOT lines of coke breaking the typical "straight line" format, but rather a line from a script read on its own, out of context and "academy style" means reading one section three times in a row in order to get different variations of said line, not giving an Academy Awards acceptance speech.
I learn something every day I'm not working at this cocksucking asshole factory.

I am Actor!
Hear me Muffin!
Also, ask your doctor if Plavix is right for you...which it is...because it's sexy.
::nibble::

P.S. "Cocksucking" came up as "crosskicking" on the spell check.
That's actually kind of more offensive in it's own way.

Lite Jazz Has Raped Vince Guaraldi

12.17.07
Sitting in a local pizza parlor (I think that is a LOVELY little epithet by the by) I had the utter misfortune to hear the Lite Jazz sodomizing of the excellent and perfect "Linus and Lucy" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio (aka the Charlie Brown theme).
Speed it up, add a drum machine beat and drain all the feeling, color and soul out of it and that's pretty much what it sounds like.
I'd go into more detail by thinking about it brings on fits of Jittering Diarrhea.
Speaking of Diarrhea.
The final version of the new Gablocki (or should we go with Zuyet?) production, "The Best Sandwich Ever" (featuring a brand new track from the Grammy award winning band, George Washington Diarrhea, check them totally out at www.myspace.com/georgewashingtondiarrhea) should be out soon.
I will keep you posted.

Tell your friends...

12.6.07

10:33 pm

Just sitting here, minding my owns (my own business), trying to decide whether or not I'm going to call out of work tomorrow when my favorite know-nothing-know-it-all (the History Channel buff I ranted about that time in the Red Room) says this jewel that I must now share with you.

Context: Talking about the martial arts like he actually practices one and as if he is not a middle aged, overweight, balding Hispanic dingbat.

"The cheekbone is powerful.

The cheekbone protects the cheek."

Ooooooooh.

THAT'S what it does.

Seriously, as fucking opposed to what?

The knee?

Yeah, I think I just may call out tomorrow.

Last week I had a four day work week and going from a four to a full five can sometimes give me anal fissures of the soul.

But, fear not, if I DO decide to extend me weekend, I will not blither it away on biscuits and fritters, I am working on yet another project I started in 2005.

It's about Christo.

That motherfucking cocksucker.

That filthy, fucking dog.

Anyway,that'll be happening soon.

And then maybe Malaise Away.

The weather's right for it.

All I need now is some mopey fucks.

Would YOU like to be one of my mopey fucks?

Let me know.

We'll mope something out.

Meanwhile, this Sunday, Phil and Ray and I are going to squeeze our creative juices into a single container and drink deep.

Life on this planet should cease soon after.

Consider it broughten.

Disney-riffic rootin tootin fuckyou imsogoddamnstired assfuck

11.27.07

4:45 pm

how is it possible that i got less sleep while ON FUCKING VACATION AT HOME THAN I DO USUALLY?

Maybe I should get a job at home so I can sleep more.

i tired.

early morning bad

fuck fuck

went to Disney world while at home (first time since summer of '99 with Jenn and Lauren...when life was more simple...) and, although i believed myself far too cynical to enjoy myself, I surprised me and had a wonderful (if not slightly price-gouged) time.

this is one of the first times I've traveled with my iPod and it's nothing but a breeze, a cooool breeze.

No carry on and my super new ear plugs headphone things make the engines, stews and those GODDAMN OVERABUNDANT CAPTAINS ANNOUNCEMENTS utterly negligible.

I mean, seriously, who gives a tingly fuck that we're flying over North Carolina on the way to New York.

Tell me if we're NOT flying over North Carolina.

THAT is something I want to know.

Assez.

I meant that to be a jazzy new way of saying "asses", not the French verb form for "some fucking thing".

Oui.

Man my head hurts.

Assez foue.

Nous assez avec trois fromage dans le chein et la vache.

Oui.

I'm getting a bunch of scrumble bums together to see 'No Country For Old Men' this weekend.

If you want to be among the Chosen, be born into Fucky, be

borne

 into

it.

Schwa.

I went on the Haunted Mansion.

They updated some stuff.

It's still excellent.

Also, they updated the Pirates ride include the characters from the movies and it's pale.

I had ribs last night.

30 of them.

But they were small.

Cat ribs maybe.

I'm going to contact the folks.

Folks.

Fokes.

No Hot Pants For Wario Gin OR When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Chinky

11.19.07
5:34 pm
That actually sums the whole thing up quite nicely.
Hm.
Well, for those who CAN'T read between the lines:
I traveled with Reinhold Von Tuckermann via the Big Gray Dog to Washington Direct Current this weekend to cavort with one William James Buckley Pomersantz.
It was chinky.
We met Brooke (good people), Wilbo's roommate/good friend and, as expected, her uber-religious 15 year old sister uttered the words, "he looks like a statue" when she caught sight of me mere moments after waking up Saturday morning before I'd had a chance to put my hair up.
Happens all the time, but I always enjoy when it does.
Means things are running the way they should, by buckets!
Friday night, we embarked upon our third attempt at actually finishing the Big Lebowski drinking game without getting distracted by Asian girls (not the kissing kind, the pretentious, coke-tooting and somber, soul-sucking kind), fly-blown chicken, fire escapes and/or me refusing to drink anymore Irished-Up vodka milk.
The enormity of the task was deceptively easy.
Phil and Will, leather gulleted gunslinger that they are, stuck with Beers while I, with my girlish sensibilities, vapors and monthlies stuck with Sapphire Gin and ginger ale.
Gin tastes like pine trees/ Pine Sol.
We also had two huge packages of Saltines (to soak up the aggravated alcohol damage), hummus and pita, a pack of Twinkies and a pack of Snowballs (the Limited Edition Winter White kind).
They were more disgusted and nonplussed at the consumption of the snack cakes than the Gin.
Anyway, to make a long and bleary story somewhat shorter, I told Brooke (first impression time!!!) that we had played this game in the presence of bitches before, and she WAS NOT a bitch.
I was VERY VEHEMENT on that note.
Very.
VERY.
We then proceeded to take five hours to watch the whole movie...
well...
sort of...
I took five hours, while Phil and Will took about 4 hours and 35 minutes.
You see, the two of them feel asleep on Will's couch before the end of the movie, making ME the first and ONLY Champion of the Fatty Patrol Executive Board Members Big Lebowski drinking game.
I hereby officially retire from the aforementioned game for the remainder of my natural life.
Thank you.
Also thanks to the BLDG, Saturday and Sunday had a bit of a pall cast across them.
Saturday consisted of eating the best burger in D.C., then getting Will his B-day gift.
After more deliberation than even I am used to, we consulted a slightly batrachian employee at the GameStop in the Pentagon City Mall and made our purchase:
Wario Ware: Smooth Moves.
Happy Birthday Will.
Here is some crazy, chinked-out shit.
We then returned to Will's home and rolled around slowly for a while before deciding to check out No Country For Old Men, the Coen Bros. directed adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy novel.
It was an amazing movie.
See it.
Well, that is if you enjoy things that are excellent.
If, you know, you like things that suck, see something else, but if you enjoy things that are great and perfect, see the movie.
Anyway, afterwards we had pasta and something called a Kit Kat Bar at a swanky DC chow house.
I then walked face first into a one way sign and proceeded to bend it in half.
The Dept. of Transportation will receive a VERY stern letter from me in regards to the minimum height requirements of there street signs.
We then played Wario Ware for about three hours.
This game is totally fucked and beautiful.
I can't describe it.
This was the first time I had played a Wii and I can see where, if utilized correctly, the control set up would indeed revolutionize the industry.
I also applaud the Japanese for trying to get all those fart ass gamers moving around a bit, even if it is only to shave a sheep or to balance a panda or to pluck a nose hair.
Sunday morning, Will and I made French Toast after Phil's Burnt Plastic Soup didn't pan out.
Later we had an excellent lunch at a Thai restaurant and went to Barnes & Noble to buy Cormac McCarthy books.
Soon after, Philip and I rejoined our friends at Greyhound and spun back to New Yawk.
All in all, solid good, but an overwhelming feeling of "why the fuck aren't we doing this more often" seemed to pervade the occasion.
We will have to work on that in the coming decade, if Will has a weekend free and it is not too cold.
In the end, I left my brush at Will's but still enjoyed myself.
Enough so, at least, to comment upon it here.
Yours internally,

Knox Harrison
Famous Film Artist

A review of Nine Inch Nails' Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D

Every Nine Inch Nails remix album ends up being a mixed bag.
It's just what happens when you get different artists with different styles in one place.
And like other Nine Inch Nails remix albums, the results are varied.
In the case of “Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D”, the results are more varied than any Nine Inch Nails remix album to date.
Here's a track by track breakdown...

Gunshots By Computer (Saul Williams)
You don't remix a one minute and forty three second instrumental.
Instead, you get an amazing poet like Saul Williams to give it a voice.
A voice that speaks of the army we hear in it and of the people who the army is marching against and of the Nation that the army comes from and of the leader of the army who doesn't know why he has an army in the first place and of the world in which there exists such an army.
Excellent reinterpretation of an excellent opener.

The Great Destroyer (modwheelmood)
I'm usually not a fan of cutting and pasting lyrics to serve the purpose of a remixer, but in the case of modwheelmood's reinvisioning of ‘The Great Destroyer’, it works…very well.
Along with Saul Williams, Alessandro Cortini is the only remixer on this album to have worked closely with Reznor for an extended period of time.
Cortini has performed this song live with Reznor dozens of times, who better to remix it?
What modwheelmood does is amazing; they turn this half paranoid anthem/half computer error explosion into a gentle, sad and climactic introduction to the album.
The re-keying of Reznor's vocals creates a whole new range of emotions not found in the original and it's gorgeous.
Yes, it sounds a bit like Radiohead.
So does modwheelmood.
And anyway, Radiohead is good.
So shut up.

My Violent Heart (Pirate Robot Midget)
The truncated but solid stompfest of Pirate Robot Midget's ‘My Violent Heart’ adds some jagged edges to an already heavy track.
In the original, the army you hear is angry and desperate; in this version they're at your door.
The intro and outro sounds give it a pirated (no pun intended) radio transmission feel.
Nice touch.

The Beginning of the End (Ladytron)
At first listen, Ladytron's ‘The Beginning of the End’ seems a bit lacking and typical.
But if you really dig in, you'll find it has more to offer; not huge amounts more mind you, but more than one would originally think.
The sonic textures add a colder feel to one of the only organic tracks on “Year Zero”.
The 'Closer' reference at the end?
I'm of two minds.
On one hand, it sort of takes you out of the whole “year zero" concept, but then again, these days Reznor does break into 'The Only Time' during performances of 'Closer'.
No harm, no foul.

Survivalism (Saul Williams)
Saul Williams’ version of ‘Survivalism’ takes a bit of the militaristic edge off the original and highlights some elements buried beneath the noise, but I think he should stick to being an amazing wordsmith rather than a so-so remixer.
It isn't bad by any means, but it doesn't float my remix boat.
Also, any Nine Inch Nails fan that picked up the ‘Survivalism’ single back in March has had this remix for over 6 months.
To be fair, I loved his vocal version of this track; it adds that special brand of Williams' vitriol.

Capital G (Epworth Phones)
Not a fan of the reworking of ‘Capital G’.
Too bleepy and bloopy in that annoying "hott clubb mixxx" sort of way.
Interesting use of the vocals though.
They got it half right.

Vessel (Bill Laswell)
Bill Laswell's ‘Vessel’ adds some nice dimension and ferocity to the original although it's hardly a reinvention.
It's a very good remix, as in it's exactly what you'd expect a remix of this song to sound like. I can't really say much more.

The Warning (Stefan Goodchild featuring Doudou N'Diaye)
‘The Warning’ is a great track and the remix by Stefan Goodchild and Doudou N'Diaye Rose is incredible.
The drums add a more organic feel that's missing from the grinding machine sound of the original.
The tinkling piano adds a very unsettling element that fits perfectly with the core of the song.
One of the best on the album.

Meet Your Master (The Faint)
The Faint took the snide, rebellious feel of ‘Meet Your Master’ and multiplied it by 1,000 Funktates.
A Funktate is the unit of measurement for funkiness.
The editing is razor sharp and, with the vocal rendering, the result is incredibly energetic.
This one of the best recreations on here...and you can shake your ass to it.

God Given & Zero Sum (Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert)
Both of Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert’s remixes add a little something here and there, but the "lay down most of the original elements with a simple synth line underneath them" device never really blows anyone's mind.
As for ‘God Given’, I've never really loved the song and this is just a remix of a song that I've never really loved.
‘Zero Sum’ gained a few interesting components but lost much more in the treatment.
Originally, the song was beautiful, haunting, sad and expansive, now?
It's a remix with some keyboards added.
Way to go, New Order.

Me, I’m Not (Olof Dreijer)
Fuck you, Olof.
After 14 solid minutes of your boring dark wave drones with a few whispers from the original track thrown in I wanted to mutilate my genitals...with a knife.
Thanks for that.

Another Version of the Truth (Kronos Quartet and Enrique Gonzalez Muller)
It's hard not to compare the Kronos Quartet and Enrique Gonzalez Muller’s version of ‘Another Version of the Truth’ with Bellini's version of ‘The Frail’ from the 2000 remix album "Things Falling Apart".
However, it's easy to say that this is better.
Rather than just playing piano parts on the strings, the Kronos Quartet takes the theme provided by Reznor and travels all over with it.
The original feels cold and lonely while this version feels reflective and warm.

In This Twilight (Fennesz)
Fennesz transforms the dying old machine of ‘In This Twilight’ into a beautiful yet sorrowful recollective dream.
From the haze of noise, the occasional sharp edge is felt, but it's more a bitter edge of regret rather than the cold metal felt in the original.
A much more human version of a song about the end of humanity.
The most beautiful offering on “Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D”.

And the best part is…if you hated every remix on this thing, you can put your money where your whiny, malcontent mouth is!
The disc has EVERY SINGLE SOUND that makes up “Year Zero” included on it.
They’re all there, and there’s even a special website opening up on the release date for you to show the world that you’re better than the artists on this album.
You pretentious asshole.

Review of "The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust"

Reznor acts as an intelligent, relevant Timbaland for Williams' meaningful, emotional lyrics.
Driving, pounding beats scattered across the characteristically haunting Nine Inch Nails ambience.
Add in the hip hop fingerprints of Thavius Beck and CD KIDTRONIC and you have something unique: dark, intelligent, entrancing, danceable poetry/hip hop.
This album is one of the best examples of a perfect collaboration.
There's more of a theme in the sound of "The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust" than there is in Williams' other two albums.
Obviously that fact is due to Reznor's grinding, buzzing, scratchy synths, bass and drums all over this project.
It gives the album a unified feel missing from both "Amethyst Rock Star" and William's self titled release and that adds a shade of maturity.

The explosive intro track, "Black History Month" grabs the listener's attention and commands them to heed every word of warning. "The banana peels are carefully placed/so keep your shell toes carefully laced".
The old school/new school fusion of "Tr(n)igger" looks at both sides of the word 'nigger' and points a finger at black and white alike asking "You want to blame it on the government on why you got no money for your rent?" and "Would Jesus Christ come back American? What if he's Iraqi and here again?"
Williams' cover of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" breathes a desperate new energy into the old anti-war standard and Reznor's aggressive, static filled arrangement edges Williams' pleads with broken glass and razor blades.
The resulting track is an amazing reinvention of a worn out, overplayed masterpiece.
The track "Niggy Tardust" has a creeping synth line and a severe drum machine and synth loop that make the listener uncomfortable. Williams' includes a biting take on the typical 'call and response' aspect of performance.
"Scared Money" (with its straight up reggae feel) and "Raw" (with its stark simplicity) serve as disparate islands of respite in the roiling sonic ocean.
The chilling and beautiful "Banged and Blown Through" conveys a powerful sense of fatigue and hope with the pairing of harsh drums and a cold synth riff and gorgeous, ethereal strings (a device Williams' has used before to his advantage). "Conductor! Conductor! I feel electricity. Conductor! Conductor! Can you bring out the song in me?"
The album's closer, "The Ritual", is just that.
It's a ceremony, a challenge and a purgation all in one and it's a solid destination for the journey that is "The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust".

In the end, the album has less of a storyline than the title (and the album to which the title is referring) would lead you to believe and in that way it resembles Williams' first two albums.
Also like his first two albums, this is a collection of well thought out, elegantly worded vitriol aimed at every color in society.
Are the ideas brought up here brand new?
Will it bring about social upheaval?
Probably not, but at least there's an artist out there who actually seems to give a shit about something bigger than his car, his bling and his paycheck.

You can get the entire album for free (or in a higher quality format for a $5 donation), no strings attached, at www.niggytardust.com
Check it out.
It's fucking free.
You lazy assholes.

Saul Williams - Amethyst Rock Star

10.30.07
8:55 pm
Over the past few months, Trent Reznor has been working closely with Saul Williams on his new album, "The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!".
They've "leaked" two tracks in anticipation of the release (11/1/07) and they are both exactly what you would expect from a Nine Inch Nails/Saul Williams collaboration.
I went back and relistened to Williams' first album, "Amethyst Rock Star", since the first time I checked it out it didn't really register with me and, upon a more thorough listen, I was fucking blown away.
Williams isn't a rapper, he is a beat poet.
What does that mean on an album?
First off, he holds a lot of disdain for the thug types and isn't afraid to call them out and tell how ridiculous they appear.
Also, his lyrics really are lyrical, they aren't just rhyming couplets.
They have a meaning that is lacking from most of the hip-hop and rap out there.
He's a bit like Zack De La Rocha but less preachy and repetitive and shrill.
The emotion he conveys is incredibly moving and entrancing as well.
It's raw and refreshing and worth taking note of.
Stand out tracks include "Penny for a Thought", "Robeson", "Fearless", "Om Nia Merican" and the amazing, epic, album closer, "Wine".
If you listen to rap or hip-hop and are tired of hearing about cars and bling, check him out, it's really powerful stuff.
To hear two of the Reznor produced tracks, go to www.nin.com.

Hmmm...

I've been watching the third season of the (American) Office and Ed Helms looks a lot like John Flansburgh.

Banana/The Best Day Of My Life

10.22.07
6:39pm

I just enjoyed a banana.
What a whimsical fruit, the banana.
The shape, the color, the peeling.
And it's the only fruit whose skin becomes a deadly booby trap when cast strategically on the floor.

So, last Wednesday was the best day of my life, thanks to both Megan Boggia and Bill Kates, respectively.
I could go into detail and geek out here, but since this is a VERY relative and esoteric "best day ever" and I already wrote a five page journal entry in regards to it, I won't.
I'll just sum it all up:
My friend Bill (XM dude) got me into a They Might Be Giants recording session at a studio downtown.
The first part of the day was them laying down elements on a new project they're doing, the next part was a ten song mini-concert for which the only audience was TMBG's producer, Pat Dillett, Bill and me and the final part was an excellent, informative, personal and hilarious interview conducted by Bill with John and John...and me, the tallest goddamn fly on the wall ever.
It was, seriously, one of THE BEST DAYS of my life.
Thank you Meg, thank you Bill, you have collectively rocked my boat xmax.

In other, SLIGHTLY less life-defining news, Ray and I have filmed something called "The Best Sandwich Ever!".
Last night at about 10 the theme song came out of my mouth and it didn't stop until around 4.
Luckily I was able to get a recording device in front of it.
Hopefully, we will be screening the film at the party on Sunday.
It will destroy you.
I guarantee.
So be there or remain intact, pussy.

Ridiculous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdsUMhUxM8w
Can ANYONE make out a fucking thing he is saying?

tres grand mal beaucoup or T. Thaddeus Cocksucker in '08!!!

9.28.07
4:23 pm

"Slumber, watcher, 'til the spheres,
six and twenty thousand years
have revolv'd, and I return
to the spot where now I burn.
Other stars anon shall rise
to the axis of the skies;
stars that soothe and stars that bless
with a sweet forgetfulness:
only when my round is o'er
shall the past disturb thy door."

-H.P. Lovecraft
'Polaris'

Other than that I was reflecting on the fact that the two major types of seizure ('petit mal' and 'grand mal') just mean 'small bad' and 'big bad' in French.
Never really thought about it before, but I think it's kind of funny.
"What happened to my father?"
"Oh, he had a big bad seizure."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"Hell yes, fatty."

You know.
YOU know.
YOU.

I also think that our next President should be named T. Thaddeus Cocksucker Jr.
Man, that's a great name...and a great man.

amar-me é temer me e o versa vice

So, my friend Genevieve (who works at the Jeffery Group) did something beautiful...
Go to www.thejeffreygroup.com/worldview then click either Portuguese or Spanish.
See anyone sexy?
And just to clarify, no, I have not actually BEEN to Latin America, but yes, my image has been found there, carved into stones more than 50 million years old.

SO over him...

Just watched the latest music video from Marilyn Manson.
And I am officially uninterested in what he does or says for the rest of his shark-jumping career.
Two words: shit sandwich.

Letting go of yet another dirty day

8.21.07
8:07pm

Went to the

96th street

branch of the New York Public Library yesterday on my break.
I'm honestly surprised that more people aren't illiterate.
This place was about a half step above a crackhouse.
Everything about it screamed lack of funding.
It was very depressing.
That depression was replaced by confused elation at my audition earlier today in which I played a shaven Sasquatch, and then it was replaced again by a far more personal sense of depression when I learned that I will NOT be featured in the upcoming Beyonce Armani Diamonds commercial.
The money is still the same and I'm sure I'll buck up when that massive whale penis check comes in but, shit, you know?
That Beyonce thing would have been on the Internet for centuries.
Fucking fickle ass French.
Fucking Ben (Ben is the flaming bag of dog farts that Mr. Armani decided to go with instead of my sexy length).
And again for the fucking asshole fickle French.
And (why the fuck not?) for Beyonce.
What about those other two girls in Destiny's Child?!
How can you just flush their hopes and dreams down the toilet like so much aborted fetal (yes fetal, not fecal) matter?
I can picture it now: Beyonce walks off stage at some goddamn award show and her cell rings.
"Hey Bee, it's one of the girls from Destiny's Child...don't suppose you're ready to do another album?"
"Oh, shoot, I'd love to, but I'm going to be in Idlewild II with Outkast."
"Oh.  Okay.  Hey, no, that's totally cool.  Me and the other girl from Destiny's Child are doing great.  But, (minute tremor enters her voice here) it sure would be fun to get the band back together again, you know? (slightest rasp of desperation in her voice here)  Keep in touch!"
Click.

Always click.

Out.

Going to Ocean City for a week.
I will think of you and eat fudge.

Feel my art.

HERE.
I have updated my youtube.
It will cure cancer, blindness, homosexuality, AIDS, splinters, creeping numbness, stomping numbness and harelips.
If you are lonely, it will give you what you need, be it companionship or orgasm or both.
If you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and soul to match yours, you will find it within my updated youtube.
I am not exaggerating.
Again, HERE is what you are looking for.
HERE is where you need to be.

"The human wang is a beautiful thing."

And mine is more beautiful than some.
All right, so I have started my youtube deluge.
I have a few more things to add and then I will personally message each and every person on my goddamn myspace friends list and tell them, personally, to check out my beautiful wang.

Let’s Get Hetero!

7.31.07
7:32 PM
So, first, anyone remember Imi Kamoze and his goddamn annoying song "Here Comes the Hot Stepper"?
I just heard it in a Subway and suddenly everything went dark.
I hate that fucking song and I hope a lot of people bought the entire album thinking it would be just as "good" as the single.
Also, I heard some shitty remake of the excellent SWV/MJ hit "Human Nature".
It was shitty, but it served to remind me of how good the original is.
I will download it tonight.
Second, has anyone seen the posters and print ads for the final Jason Bourne movie?
Whatever gets revealed to him must have instantaneously lobotomized him because in every picture he looks like his ass just fell out.
Third, I finished the last Harry Potter book but for those who haven't finished it, I'll keep mum.
I think the movie should be good if they just make it four hours or so.
Fourthly, Philip is now a resident of Long Island City.
He is in our hearts no longer, for now he is in our hallway.
Literally.
And he has brought with him the most "aggressively heterosexual" music ever.
A man-thing called Mika.
Find and download the song "Lollipop" and then dance your genitals off.
And fifthly and finally, I am a bristle length away from finishing "Ache, Spin, Die, Repeat", a short film project that I wrote at the beginning of 2005 and which was filmed a few weeks ago with Christina Girlfriend and Christina Nongirlfriend.
It is my most ambitious foray into filmmaking thus far and I am incredibly happy with it.
As soon as I am finished with it, I shall bombard youtube with some beautiful tits that will make you weep tears of Milk and Glory.
Thank you.
P.S. Also, Hot Fuzz came out on DVD today and I bought it.
Without permission.
I shall be punished with the Stick of Destiny for sure, but it will be worth it.

8.1.07
8:11 PM
Sweet and sweaty breastmeat.
I saw a super jubilant sparrow hopping around today and I realized that I enjoy watching sparrows hop.
It soothes me.
Sooooothes. Meeeeee.
Also, I realized that I could never work at Subway because, seriously, how many times do you think I could listen to people demanding a "six inch hearty Italian" without making a remark that would get me ousted by the Subway Triumvirate?
And I am now 99.7% finished with ASDR, needing only a tweak to the credits to finish it up.
There is joy in my pants.
Can you see it?

**************************************************
Since these last two entries, I have finished ASDR and been given a toffee (Worther's Original) by a priest with a gastric bypass.
Things are good.

You say you've got some very excellent news...

Bill sent me the XM Comedy Ladies' Night stuff I did and I am one talented motherfucker.
If only ANYONE I KNEW had XM.
Well, fuck it.
If you want to hear it, fucking ask me and I'll send it to you.
Also, Bill informs me that the TMBG XM studio thing (15-20 person audience for a short set) will take place on the 8th, so I'm gonna knock out of work that day and just soak in TMBG.
Good way to make up for missing the first show because of bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse (read diarrhea).
Shot 'Ache, Spin, Die, Repeat' last weekend and recorded the music earlier today. 
It should be in editing in a few.
Feeling rompy.
Also, by this time next week, Philiston J. Tuckerton will be an official resident of New York State.
Ladies, don't even bother with the birth control pills, just have all your eggs removed because this man is POTENT.
Welcome to Fucktown.
Population: you.

Sexy boing boing.

7.13.07
3:48 PM
Excellent, excellent day.
First off, I FINALLY did the XM thing and it was, well, excellent.
Anyone with XM who listens to the Comedy channel (150), you will hear me promoting their "Ladies Night" program.
It was great to get to show Bill that I'm very good at what I do.
I'm being immodest and loving it.
It went perfectly.
After that I had a delicious tuna salad sandwich (garnished lightly with lettuce and tomato).
And thirdly, throughout the day, I've been digging the latest Rasputina album, 'Oh Perilous World'.
(I subtitled this last portion 'Soot Flavored Cello')
Just to start, THEY ARE NOT A GIMMICK.
They are solid musicians who have a tasty definitive style that kicks ass.
At first they might be hard to get into, the lead singer's (Melora) vocals can be a bit...spastic?
Plus some of the electric manipulations done to the cellos might kill a few people.
But their songs are unique and dynamic and there is beauty among the creepy burnt out hovels through which their music takes the listener.
If I had to pigeonhole them, I would label them historical natural disaster electro cello pop.
And a beefy bag of fuck you to anyone who can describe them better.
Stand out tracks include: Cage In A Cave, Draconian Crackdown and A Retinue of Moon/ The Infidel Is Me.
Other crispy bits include: Choose Me For Champion and Oh Bring Back The Egg Unbroken.
And to wrap this delightful 13th in a shiny vinyl raincoat, I was contacted earlier and informed that I have to rerecord something I did a few weeks ago which means double my money.
What else can I say but sexy boing boing?
Nothing.
Sexy boing boing.

Megan Boggia is the Queen of the Galaxy

7.11.07
3:46 PM
Thanks to Megan Boggia (the aforementioned Queen of the Galaxy) today began with a super special treat.
John and John of TMBG were interviewed via phone by Bob Edwards (NPR demigod) at the Manhattan XM satellite radio studios at

Columbus Circle

and I was one of the four people sitting in the mixing booth right there, watching and listening.
The interview will pop up somewhere on XM at some point so I won't go into that, but I will go into how freaked out I was that my presence would unnerve the Johns.
I have been spotted at several concerts in recent years (and referred to as "the tall guy" on more than three occasions) and I didn't want them to freak because, hey, I'm just this fan of theirs that somehow got into XM studios.
Turns out I was overreacting.
For the first time in my life.
They were totally mellow during the interview and afterwards, they signed Megan's CD and we all chatted for a bit.
I think the biggest thing is that when they're in a concert or at a signing or any other public situation they put on their "scared of their fans" hats, but when it's just close friends (like XM honcho Bill Kates, who I am FINALLY getting together with on Friday afternoon) and/or people who should be there (people from Central Booking who got TMBG to the studio) and/or people who aren't making a big deal that they're there (me is latter) they're much more relaxed.
Or perhaps they were just trying not to make any sudden moves for fear I smell their terror and swallow them whole.
Whichever.
The point is it went totally smooth and I neither freaked them out, freaked myself out nor made a freak of myself.
Score one for the home team.
During the interview (which I will now touch upon, thereby negating my earlier statement about not going into it) they (obviously) talked about elements of the new album (a very interesting bit of back story about the last track, 'The Mesopotamians', was revealed and it will hopefully turn into to something great), the costumes that Marcel Ozama designed and created for the album art (which was shot at a cabin in the Catskills and, sadly,  features none of the band dressed up, merely close friends of the Johns that volunteered to be a part of it) and how much they've really grown to dislike being called 'quirky' after 25 years of making music.
The whole morning was great and I feel less like a creepy fan and more like a less creepy fan.
Victory tastes like a grande skim vanilla latte.
And it's all because of Megan, who remains a true shining star in my Galaxy of Friends and Loved Ones (not to be confused with the galaxy of which she is the Queen mentioned in the first line of this entry and its title; that refers to the ACTUAL galaxy mentioned by NASA, popular fiction and www.spacealumni.com).

I am Vengeance, I am the Night...I AM BACARDI

4.20.07
9:34 PM
Good day.
Yesterday I had an excellent audition for a Grey Goose VO.  I found out later that day that I booked it and was to record it around 6.
I returned to House Productions and was on my way to lay it down when I received the first and most amazing and sincere compliment from someone in the business.
I'll spare you the esoteric details, but it was just Pure Everything and it made me feel like a Universe.
That night, I return home, feeling like a sweater; I awake the next morning (THIS morning, brethren and sistren) at noon plus forty seven to my phone informing me that it is bringing sexy back.
I answer it a moment too late and contact my voice mail robot a moment later.
It's my manager's office informing me, not that he intends to aid or impede my phone's efforts to bring sexy back, but that I'm booked to do the Grey Goose recording THIS afternoon at 2.
Me was puzzled.
So I called back to find out if this particular office guy was celebrating 4/20 a bit early.
After a minute of hold time, I am informed that no one knows what is going on but I have to be at a place called Radical Media (where, on January 23rd, 2004 I recorded a little piece of the Divine called "One Muscle") in a little under 90 minutes.
Like a cloud in a rainstorm, I materialize there, full of moisture and I am then introduced to the head of Grey Goose's creative department who gives me some notes and tells me he likes, very much, with which I present these words.
I then do my thing as only I can do it and, while blurring through the incomprehensible tempest of paperwork afterwards, I find out that I am being paid TRIPLE what was originally stated.
I did not argue.
Later that day, I had really good pizza with peppers and pepperoni.
It was perpper-rific.
This GG thing isn't sure what it wants to be right now, apparently it is a demo for something, but I wasn't told what.  I will have a link to it by Sunday night or so, if anyone is interested.

Table of Continents

4.6.07
8:40 pm

On my way back to work today, a man tried to get my attention and then tapped my shoulder as I passed. I turned and took off my headphones, eyebrows raised in polite inquiry.
He said, "I'm sorry to stop you, but I wanted to let you know that Jesus Christ loves you."
I had only a split second to take him in.
He was wide-eyed and seemed a touch on the zealous side so I decided it would be better not to ask him to prove it or anything along the lines of a sarcastic remark.
Instead, I said, "Great", then continued walking.

Anyway, me and Christ and going to check out this 'Grindhouse' madness this weekend and maybe harbor some bi-polar nutball's dogs.
The Fun has just Begun.
Rocket.

Year Zero- The first 24 hours

4.5.07
3:34 am
Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
First full listen.
Convoluted, messy, sloppy.
All blurred together.
HYPERPOWER!- Intro. Not as huge as it could be. Certainly not up there with 'Pinion' as an intro track.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END- Not impressed. Drums and guitars.
SURVIVALISM- Perfect single. Bit repetitive, but it fits.” Hypnotic sound of siren/echoing through the street/the cocking of the rifles/the marching of the feet". Chills.
THE GOOD SOLIDER- Love it. Very standout to me.
VESSEL- Great track. Distinguishable.
ME, I'M NOT- Seems a bit vague. Need to see lyrics. Not very challenging.
CAPITAL G- Has some great elements, but not too standout yet.
MY VIOLENT HEART- A bit lackluster. Content marred by form.
THE WARNING- Blah. Vague. 'Space alien' song. Too sci-fi. Nothing memorable about it.
GOD GIVEN- Another bland flop. Noisefest with little substance.
MEET YOUR MASTER- Remember liking it. Not great, but good. People vs. Govt.
THE GREATER GOOD- 'The Great Collapse' with kalimbas and harp. Too much whispering. Need lyrics.
THE GREAT DESTROYER- Interesting. End with just noise is a bit much.
ANOTHER VERSION OF THE TRUTH- Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.
IN THIS TWILIGHT- Perfect. Could be longer. Love the imagery and the vocals. Standout xmax.
ZERO SUM- Again, too many whispers, although the lyrics I heard didn't sound incredible. End was great though.

Bottom line: I need to hear it about 100,000 more times.
I think that fact that that is my first reaction is promising.
A lot of it just sounds pointlessly messy right now.
Also need lyrics.
Also need part two to see whole picture.
I've never had this negative of a reaction to a NIN album.
Actually was bored with several songs.
I'm sure I'll end up lauding the shit out of it, but for now, not amazed with a lot of it.

5:09 am
(after second listen)
I like it better already.

3:06 pm
(after fourth listen)
More to say:
H- I don't think that this will ever be more than an "intro-mental" to me. Like it a bit more than 'Pilgrimage'. I think that says a lot.
TBOTE- Still meh. Kicks in around the second chorus, but still meh. Sets the tone well, I suppose, but the instrumentation just doesn't do anything for me. What's interesting though is the (comparatively) organic feel of it. This is the only track that has straight drums (intro drums remind me of 'My Sherona') and guitars with a bare minimum of distortion and noise. I guess this is a 2nd intro; with words this time.
S- Just a solid fucking track. Sets the trend of the extended outro that sort of clings to this album...like soap scum in some cases.
TGS- Love the way the words are put together and delivered. Got to say the vibraphone is a strange choice. Not a good choice in my opinion. Also, I could do with more lyrics. Another extended outro, but not annoying.
V- Excellent beat. Verses are a bit clichéd, but then again, so is drug use. The outro on this is WAY too long and just noisy for the sake of noisy.
MIN- I don't get the song yet. Seems to be about someone learning to revolt? Not sure. Need some insight because without it I'm not crazy about this track. Yet another loud and painful outro.
CG- Keeps reminding me of The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson. Only in the way that MIN reminds me of Depeche Mode's 'Home' (as in just the beginning beat). Interesting delivery from Reznor. Almost sounds like a sports chant. The chorus is great, love the chords.
MVH- Grown on me. Still think the music is a bit lacking, but in time I'm sure I'll start calling it "sparse". Like the lyrics. Very civilian army. Very confrontational. Seems to compliment 'Meet Your Master'. Outro is just fine. In other words, not painfully loud and long.
TW- I know I said it was vague. Let me clarify. I suppose what I meant is that it's too straightforward. "We've been watching you. Clean up your act." 'The Warning' is a warning. WHAT the "Presence" is is still vague. Plus the wiggly, slightly country-esque guitar I could do without. I like the treatment done to Reznor's voice.
GG- Another interesting delivery from Reznor. Interesting but not amazing. His exhortations (Come on! Everybody! Sing along!) seem a bit forced, but that might be because I've never heard Reznor exhorting people to do anything like that. For some reason this track makes me think of 'Born Again'. Outro wasn't terrible, but a bit excessive. Also, at one point in the song there is a background noise (like a wibbly-wobbly bass note being sodomized) that is VERY similar to the one in 'Survivalism'. With such a range of sonic blurts and ejaculations, why was this one (or one close to it) repeated? Takes me further out of the song.
MYM- Grown on me. I like the 'spit in your face' delivery. Need to find out what the lyrics are exactly and I'm sure my enjoyment will treble. Problem is every time I hear a song with "Master" being yelled, I hear 'Master of Puppets". And I don't even OWN that album.
TGG- Meh. Still sounds like a beefed up version of 'The Great Collapse' with lyrics, kalimbas and a harp (?). The differences between the instrumental version and the album version aren’t significant enough for me yet. The kalimbas feel like the vibraphone but more jarring. Kalimbas for the sake of kalimbas. The words chanted at the end ("persuasion, coercion, submission, assimilation") give this track some context and credibility.
TGD- I like this a lot. Sort of like MVH and MYM but more personal. The power of one. Great chorus but like a lot of my favorite tracks the meaty part of the song tends to end too soon leaving me with...an annoying and pointless outro. A lot of it feels very Aphex Twin-ish but what is the point? It feels like filler most of the time.
AVOTT- For me, this is just as perfect and as powerful as 'Leaving Hope'. It has such a hopeless, "I've been lied to, used and discarded' feel to it that I find it strange it isn't the last track on the album.
ITT- Only problem with this is that it's too short. Beautiful and terrible like a mushroom cloud. I love Reznor's voice in this. It could be two verses longer. I enjoy the use of the noise that's been a theme in the album, but without it being abrasive and loud. Really an excellent song. VERY cinematic.
ZS- Very solid ending. Very dark. Very inconclusive. Parts of this sound like Peter Gabriel's 'The Drop' (actually a lot of YZ sort of reminds me of his 'Up' album) and the piano reminds me of Thom Yorke's beautiful track 'Analyze'. Like some of the other tracks, I don't think I will be able to fully grasp this one until I see the lyrics.

Bottom line: Already getting better. In the case of the long, blippy, Aphex-y outros, I really can't picture myself getting into those. There's no beautiful piano, haunting violin or delicate vocals hidden beneath them, just more error noises. Who knows?
All of these mini-reviews are, of course, prefaced with the phrase "At This Point".
This is a very good album.
I just need all of me to believe that.

Goddamn right it's a beautiful day...

...but not for me.
Never for me.
Just kidding.
Just found out that TMBG are playing two shows at Joe's Pub at 9pm and 11pm on Wednesday the 16th of May.
I will probably just go to the 11 o'clock show.
You should come.
Seriously.
You should!
We could hang out before and get dinner or something.
Maybe share a soda?
And a glance...
Also, I am in that shitty, short and unappetizing baseball play this weekend.
It's called something or other and it's playing as part of a series of plays about baseball (the fuck?) at 5pm on Saturday and Sunday.
The address of the theater is 123 E. 24th street and that's really all I know.
I think the whole program is called the Sports Complex or some fucking thing.
Don't bother showing up unless you want to see me wearing baseball pants and pretending to give a shit about baseball.
And I'll do that for free if you want to just make an appointment.
Had a very solid audition today which I probably won't get because WHITEY IS KEEPING ME DOWN.
Have a VO audition for a "personal lubricant" called (I shit ye not) "Jiggalube".
There is a small chance I misheard my guy but I seriously hope not.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Jiggalube.

You can't get anywhere staring at the one you love.

So this guy, Jonathan Lethem, has this project called "The Promiscuous Materials Project".
He wrote a bunch of lyrics over the past 20 years and put them up for anyone at all to make into something.
Linnell has recently recorded a version of one of the songs and it's really great.
It's called "The Second Longest Night" and can be listened to here.
Enjoy.

Goat Toast

3.13.07
4:58 PM
So I was just flipping through a phone book to find the number to a Barnes & Noble (it's a new chain of strip clubs. Very classy...) and I saw an ad for an abortion...place.
Clinic seems a bit tongue in cheek.
Anyway, the ad has a sexy picture of three girls on a beach, enjoying their newly empty uteruses, one would assume.
"We treat you special" was a phrase that kept popping up.
The small mistake in grammar made that one VERY unsettling.
On the next page was an ad for what, at first glance, appeared to be a whorish modeling agency.
Nope.
Abortion place.
There were three headshots with quotes running down the right side of the page.
"I felt special here"
"They made me feel safe"
"The staff was terrific"
Again, rather off putting.
Also, all three girls were Latinas and looking like they would be seen in the same abortion place time and time again.
I guess there's no real standard for phone book advertising?
If not, I have GOT to start opening businesses simply to advertise in there.
Today, I have no need for time wasting suggestions, because I HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN!!!!!
First off, to the bank to deposit MY FULL SECURITY DEPOSIT!!!!
Once that check clears I can start sending boxes of shit to Mark Scharfman and making lewd and threatening phone calls.
Maybe from my new LIC number.
Next, to Duane Reade to pick up some Stopples.
I LOVE STOPPLES!
And no, they are not suppositories, although that would be an excellent name for them.
Then to Best Buy to pick up Casino Royale (yeah, I kind of forgot to finish typing up the rest of those reviews. Maybe someday since there has been such outcry for them....) and to look into photo printers, photo paper and ink.
Chris and I have decided to do something creative with our massive fucking hallway.
Then, maybe, to Gamestop to maybe pick up the new God of War game.
It's a very solid game (the first one) and the second one is apparently, more of the same but with some xmax thrown in to tickle the gaming community's collective pickle.
However, it just came out and paying $50+ for a video game that will be $20 in a month or two is stupid.
Then again...I AM pretty stupid...

7:12 PM
The GOW decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that it is sold out in a lot of places.
Well then.
I bought Casino Royale.
I bought Stopples.
I researched photo printers.
I ate pizza.
Very thorough break.
Only 5,649,140 to go before I'm a millionaire and can quit.

9:34 PM
"We need a Best Man"
"Ook."
"Well, at least put some clothes on."

I don't care if I never come back...

3.7.07
8:37 PM
Today I stood behind someone on the train with a perfect buzzcut.
Every bristle seemed to be the same length.
I barely resisted the urge to just run my hands over it and purr like a cat.
Nothing much else to say.
Oh, I found all about that play I'm in.
It's called "Home Run Hitters Drive Cadillacs" and, unless you give any type of shit about baseball, do not bother to see it
It is part of an evening of theatre about sports.
Again, that's theatre about sports.
You know, like a KKK Bake Sale for the United Negro College Fund.
The play is painfully dull yet mercifully short.
I get to tell a story about a prostitute with a wooden leg.
The other problem is the two other guys in it and the director are all big on baseball whereas I couldn't give a shit with the aid of laxatives so the rehearsals yet to come, if the first was any indication, will consist of twenty minutes to run through the play twice and then fifty minutes of talking about baseball.
Whoop dee fuck.
Well, I suppose this is what acting is all about: pretending you like baseball.
I will be watching 'Bull Durham' tonight to learn a bit more about minor league baseball (which the play is about).
Fucking baseball.
I can't even say it's my least favorite sport because I care so little about them that I haven't even sifted through the lot to designate just how little I care about them.
Is it weird that being Baby Kermit the Frog and Satan was more fun than this?
*****************************************************************************
Watched 'Bull Durham'.
Good movie, but I still don't give a squirt about baseball.

Hello...mind taker...

3.6.07
8:23 PM
Now, people who know me well know that I really don't go out of my way to be unique.
The unique is sort of just thrust upon me.
Or maybe you don't believe this.
Or maybe I'm not being up front with myself.
Whatever.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with a branch of the American Institute for Psychotherapy, specifically the hypnotherapy division.
I had a talk with a very intelligent woman who thinks that what I asked about is both very interesting and very feasible.
I am planning on undergoing hypnosis to convince myself that I have never heard Nine Inch Nails' 1999 album 'The Fragile' (my favorite NIN album).
I told her I have heard this album literally hundreds of times and I'd like to hear it for the first time...again.
She admitted that no one has ever come to her with a request like this, but that it's very interesting.
She also said I sound intelligent which will help with the hypnotic process.
I guess.
This is what a true fan should do; undergo mental reprogramming in order to refresh their ears.
If this works, I might just use hypnosis for a bunch of stuff.
Maybe I'll erase the whole NIN catalogue from my mind, come at the whole thing with new ears.
I love the idea of hypnosis.
And I especially love the idea of hypnosis working for me.
I also think this is one of the coolest things I've ever done.

tink tink tink

3.1.07
8:28 PM
All this Nine Inch Nails stuff has kind of made me not give a shit about the Scissor Sisters concert this weekend.
Hm.
Meanwhile: I finished the Bond novel "The Spy Who Loved Me" just now.
This novel features the character who, in the movies, is called 'Jaws'.
Turns out his name in the book is "The Horror" which is a nickname.
His real name?
Sol Horowitz.
Jaws is a Jew.
That creates laughter inside my self.
And now I need your help...
From 5:30 pm to 7 pm every weekday I have a break.
I don't like to eat during it because I tend to get food delivered to the job so I can kill time in that fashion.
Here's where I need your help:
What should I do on my hour and a half break?
If I need to run home, I can do that, but I would probably only have 10 minutes before I have to rush out again.
Give me some ideas.
Here's what I have done recently:
Had pizza.
Had Starbucks.
Bought a Blu-ray.
Visited Lisa and Becca (but they were watching TV).
Trying not to spend money, people.
I was thinking about maybe just riding a bus downtown for 45 minutes and then riding it uptown for another 45.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
So far, that possibility is in the lead.
Just get to know my iPod a little better.
Maybe make some bus friends.
I think I've already sort of made a Subway friend.
The past two nights on the 6 train at 11 or so I have seen the same homeless guy.
He tends to sleep on the bench at the very front or back of the last or second to last car.
I know it's the same guy because he removes his sneakers before crashing out.
Some day, just to freak him out and shift the status quo I might steal his shoes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Or maybe I'll bump into him, drop a bag and then demand he pays me for my Snapple which I'll insist he spilt.
HAHAHAHAHA
It's thinking like this that's going to get me shot.
You know, I was thinking that I might be misinterpreting the prophecy (that I'm going to be killed by a minority).
I mean, 'minority' doesn't mean a Black or a Green or something like that necessarily.
I could be killed by a left-handed person.
Only 1 in 9 Americans are left-handed, so that counts.
Or maybe an Eskimo.
I want that on my obelisk (yeah, I decided that I want a huge fucking obelisk for a grave marker) "Was killed by a fucking Eskimo while heroically rescuing his family from a sinking ship and despoiling a porpoise at the same time".
Hm, that's a bit crowded.
Well, since I now have an obelisk, perhaps I'll have four different versions of my epitaph.
Good one.
Along with figuring out what to do during my break, also submit possible epitaphs for me.
One side is going to be "Unstoppable porpoise fucking machine", another is going to be the killed by an Eskimo thing, so that leaves two sides.
While I would like to do the "Royal Tannenbaum" thing, that might be too unoriginal.
Back to the break thing, I'm sure once the weather gets better Central Park will become a more realistic suggestion, but for the next month or so...what do I do?
Also: with the help of Drew, Jeannie and maybe even the Figa Man, I might be upgrading my entertainment system soon-ish.
In the new apartment, we are at the point where all the basic stuff is working and we must now paint and decorate and add dogs and trimmings and curtains and stuff like that.
I fear these things may never get done.
I went to Home Depot (the HUGE mausoleum one on 59th and 3rd) alone for the first time and was scared shitless.
The second time I went I felt like Bob Villa on crack.
I wanted to buy door knockers and light fixtures and grout and caulk (delicious caulk) and brackets and bolts and levels and chainsaws and carpets and a whole fuckload of other shit I don't need or really want.
I have never felt more Hetero.
A forklift.
I wanted to buy a forklift too.
In case I needed to knock over some Port-O-Potties or something.
And lighter fluid.
In case I need to write something in fire.
You know.
Do they have hammers at Home Depot?
No, not regular hammers, what a silly question, I mean big, fuck-all sledge hammers that I can carry around maternity wards.
Wow. What a brilliant image.
Okay, Christina, first project of the Artist's Collective or whatever name we give ourselves: a short film involving me wearing all black, a black hood and silently walking through a maternity ward at night with a fucking sledgehammer.
The film will be called "4th Trimester Abortionist".
Or maybe we can spin the message a little by turning it into a commercial. We just add the tagline:
Use Trojans. It's better that way.
Fucking hell am I brilliant.
Also again: I'm going to be in another play.
This one will be shorter and better, I think.
I have yet to read the script.
It goes up March 31st to April 2nd I believe.
It has something to do with baseball.
A subject which I know lots about.
And enjoy.
A lot.
Yes.

Eat me.

I've uploaded the clips of me dancing like a monkey for bananas.
Enjoy.

2.14.07
7:13 PM
I don't know how many of you have the more advanced iPod's (80 gig) or if it happens with all Apple mp3 players, but mine was thinking today.
I went out for a while on a audition at House (15th and 10th) and on this commute I decided to shuffle my iPod.
The first ten or fifteen songs included "Valentine's Day" by Marilyn Manson, "Happy Valentine's Day" by Andre 3000., "Queen Bitch" by Bowie and two live versions of "Debra" by Beck.
Let me say right up front that I might be paranoid and stupid, but the iPod has a pretty advanced CPU.
It can search for words, it has a calendar, it can connect to networks (podcasts and such) and I believe that since today is February 14th, my iPod picked songs that might fit in with Valentine's Day.
Either with the word "Valentine" in the title or a female name (that might be stretching it) or the word 'bitch", just as a joke.
Again, maybe I am paranoid and stupid, but maybe I am not.
We've all seen AI.
And speaking of AI, does anyone remember the INSANE little...I don't know...world that was created along with it?
Let me touch on it for a moment...
In the credits, there was a woman listed with a rather strange name. She was credited as "Robot Therapist" or something along those lines.
If you took the initiative as a viewer to Google or search for her name on the Net you would be lead into the massive, web spanning "game" for lack of a better term that tied into the movie and made it much more than just a sci-fi film.
Anyway, this new NIN album, year zero, was originally just a new NIN album, but recently, a lot of things are coming to light.
Nothing had really been revealed about the project aside from Reznor stating "it could be about the end of the world".
Nothing new.
But then an editor from SPIN magazine was treated to a few tracks by Reznor and said it was a story about a totalitarian government in the not-too-distant future set to a sci-fi background.
I became worried.
I think things like that are a bit...ridiculous. It's an album. It's a collection of sounds that equal seventy four minutes or less, that's all. It's not going to realign the thinking of the world or anything like that.
Up to this point, NIN albums have NOT been stories, they might have themes or feels to them, but they haven't been narratives or anything like that.
So I was worried.
A few days ago, NIN started their first European tour in a while.
One of the your shirts with the dates on the back, has a few letters highlighted.
The letters spelled 'i am trying to believe'.
Someone typed in www.iamtryingtobelieve.com and things got weird from there.
After the discovery of that site, several more web sites relating to the new album appeared.
These five or six web sites are set in a depressing and distopic future where the government (the Administration) is lying to people about bio-terrorism and putting stuff in the water and violating people's rights and a lot of other stuff.
It's much more detailed than I make it out to be.
Basically, they set up the world in which the album takes place, or refers to...I don't know.
It pieced together that 'year zero' refers to a declaration made by the President in the year 2022 that America is in need of a new beginning, so he resets the clock as it were, naming it 'year zero'. Any time before year zero is referred to as - # BA.
2007 is -15 BA.
Anyway, there are events that happened in this timeline including dirty bomb attacks, bio-terrorism, the US bombing Tehran and other such countries, the escalation of global warming and the adding of a drug called "parepin" to the nation's water supply in order to protect us from bio-terrorism.
You know, this must be boring as shit to people who don't care about Nine Inch Nails.
That includes everyone I know except for Barrett who already knows all this.
Never mind then.
What else...
Oh yes, Christina rocks and makes me boogie. I came in from my hellish trek thought the white shit and she made me a delicious and wholesome lunch, the first I've had since Kindergarten.
And I had a good audition today where I did 7 drastically different voices.
It's SAG so I probably won't get it, but it went well despite my fucking cold/flu/anal death.
The recording engineer commented after three of the more...strange voices, "Dude, that was fucking sick."
"Thank you", I responded, "I myself am feeling rather fucking sick."
Touch dolphins.

Dis case...is pur...beeship.

Special thanks to everyone who came to see the show.
It went great every night and hit orgasmic heights of excellence on Saturday.
I was the Meaning of Life for a while there...and it felt good.
Thanks again to everyone who came out.

Hashamyoon!

2.8.07
1:23 PM
It has been quite a volatile few weeks.
I was considering posting little journal entries here and there in order to get you all into this HUGE melon on top of my shoulders, but FUCK THAT, I am an actor and expression is my thing.
So, I put it all down in a PowerPoint Presentation.
This simple document contains:
The Apartment Hunt (tension, worry, terror, horror, depression, lethargy, hope, crushed hope, depression, money, dancing, motion, Flight from Bongos, paint, relief, the Celebration of Brunch)
The Excitement of the new Nine Inch Nails album (4.17.07)
The Annual Cock Notching in honor of my twenty sixth trip 'round the rim
The Childlike Wonder of me with my iPod, Bizagitronicon Xmax (picture Koko the Gorilla with her kitten, Lil' Black Sambo, whose name was later changed to Ginger).
The Trepidation and Joy of the show I am in (starting tonight)
And it's all boiled down into something Pure, something Real.
As soon as I find a way to post it here, Aisle due sew.
I have wrangled quite a few people to the three shows and I am VERY excited to be hosting this crazy thing.
VERY excited.
So excited that I want it to be over.
Is that weird?
Yes.
No.
Actually, not really.
I want to skip to the parts I know are excellent and funny and then just roll around in them like a pug in clover for days and days.
I wonder if there are any actors that aren't attention whores.
God I love attention.
Positive, negative, whatever.
Just...pay attention to me.
Pay it in seconds, minutes, hours months...whatever.

Just write that fucking check with your eyes and ears and fucking fatten my bank account.
God damn I'm good.

God's got his finger in my ass...

1.24.07
5:55 PM
When it comes to bad days, I tend not to mark them down as such.
I let it pass and, occasionally reflect, fuck, that was a bad day.
Every once in a while though, there is a day (or series of days) SO bad that the events on said day(s) etch themselves into my mind so deeply that I am forced to reflect upon them.
Yesterday and today have been such days.
Some background:
Christina and I have stopped looking for an apartment.
We stopped looking about a week ago when her and I, working on a tip her friend Jen gave us, we walked into a place in her building out in Long Island City.
There was a paint splattered man who was surly until he found out we were Jen's friends.
Long story short, this place was perfect. 2 bedrooms, quiet and safe neighborhood with one and a half times the space (it even had 2 fucking closets!!!!) for just $54 more than what we are paying now.
We put in the application and everything seemed perfect.
We had found our new home.
Then:
Yesterday I was contacted and informed that our app was rejected.
I informed the lady (who was helpful and friendly throughout) that we love the apartment and was there any way we could get it?
She said if we were able to pay the yearly rent up front, we could have it.
In other words, if Christina and I could come up with $18,336 and change, we could have it.
I told her I was going to call her back in thirty minutes.
In those thirty minutes I called my father, Chris called her grandmother, aunt and cousin.
Between the five of us, we had the total.
My father, who spent over 40 years in real estate, suggested I find out if the owners of the building will take the first six months rather than the whole year, which was quite a lot of money, even dispersed unevenly among five people.
I called the lady back and asked her to ask them.
She said she would get back to me today.
Around 3ish, I call her (proactive one that I am) and she informs me that the owner will not accept the year's rent because this is a stabilized apartment and does not want to be obligated to renew a lease for people whose application was rejected.
So, the apartment was to be ours only if Chris and I borrowed thousands of dollars from our respective families, and then that was taken from us as well.
Along with this apartment shit, Chris has her own thing jump up ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY and earlier today I was told by my agent that some theatre company was offering me a part in a New York/New Jersey tour of Doctor Doolittle: The Play for a nice chunk of change only to find out a half hour later that they were looking for A DIFFERENT Paul.
Wrapping all this diseased feces up in a nice shit tortilla, tomorrow is my Birthday.
People, say good bye to me now, because if these things come in threes, I will probably get cancer and then burn to death in a horrible electric fire tomorrow.
Aside from a handful of horrific eye memories, this is, without hyperbole, the worst couple of days in my life thus far.
Congratulations go out to all those who wish me ill.
Whatever blood you're using, it works.
Invest in whatever brand of black magic candle you just used.
Cackle maniacally.
Enjoy.
I will post what sort of cancer I have tomorrow as long as my fingers have not been sheared off by some piece of malfunctioning machinery.

Nothing propinks like propinquity

1.18.07
1:29 PM
I know how everyone loves my bitchy stories about the idiots I work with and that is why I continue to relate them to you via the Internet. This is, as it has always been, for you.
In my feverish fuckrants you have heard about children dying under very suspicious circumstances, dead bodies being misplaced and frail pre-corpses wearing pajamas, bright yellow “do not let me out of this facility” bracelets and with gaping, whistling holes in their throats walking right out of the place, and, of course, a cavalcade of retardation that defies comment and often causes one to just sit and disbelieve.
The subject of this entry falls into that final category.
So, in front of this august establishment there is an American flag.
Every evening it is taken down and every morning it is put back up.
I’m just going to cut right to it: some shining example of dumb fuckery hung the American flag upside down.
About four minutes ago (six and a half hours or so after the fact), someone noticed and corrected the situation.
Now, it isn’t illegal to hang the American flag upside down, it indicates distress.
So either the person that did this is a very clever and ironic person who was making a genius statement that this place is in a perpetual state of distress or a total fucking moron incapable of looking up.
Guess which one my money is on.
All the other instances (lost bodies, resident escaping, kids dying) are caused by a chain of stupid people bumping into one another and being distracted by something shiny, a loud noise or a kitty cat and not doing their job, but in this case, there was just a lone idiot who, in a simple, powerful gesture, expressed to everyone passing this establishment that we are a building full of people who are all in distress.
I applaud you, you solitary mook, you have summed this place up quite nicely.

"Hidden In This Picture" A Play by Aaron Sorkin

Hey. Unsupportive douchebags, I'm in a play Thursday February 8th through Saturday February 10th.
Come see me.
Details and tickets are here.

Love Sandwich

1.12.07
4:05 PM
Sandwiches are great.
They were originally made in order to save time (instead of sitting and eating bread, lettuce, tomato and meat you would just stack them together) but have since become something…bigger. Something more integral to our daily lives.
As children we are introduced to the world of sandwiches with the magic of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
And that is just the beginning.
You have your typical meat/cheese sandwiches: ham and Swiss, turkey and Munster, bologna (why are we taught as children to pronounce this as “ba-LOW-nee”?) and American.
You have your meat/vegetable sandwiches: the BLT and liverwurst (which is disgusting) and onion.
Your Zen (upper class) or welfare (lower class) sandwiches: mayonnaise, mustard and bread sandwiches respectively.
Your salad sandwiches: egg, tuna, chicken, shrimp.
Your ethnic sandwiches: Cucumber, Reuben, pastrami and rye.
You club sandwich for meat-loving fat people and toothpick enthusiasts.
Add any number of condiments and the universe of flavor expands.
Heat it up and you have gone from lunch to dinner in the time it takes to jump a few degrees on the thermometer.
There’s also the always delicious dessert sandwich which is facilitated by using honey, Nutela and/or Fluff.
There’s even something for vegans and Elvis with the peanut butter and onion sandwich and the fried banana, peanut butter and bacon sandwich.
Then, some genius discovered that pretty much anything can be a sandwich as long as there are two slices of bread involved.
Hence the Thanksgiving sandwich.
The same genius (who actually turned out to be a mad man) then took the next step and sealed the sandwich inside itself with the wrap.
A perfect example of these techniques used in perfect harmony can be found in the Hot Pocket.
There is no wrong way to make a sandwich unless you use Vegemite or Marmite.
I strongly suggest you try sandwich experimentation in order to broaden your food horizons.
I myself have invented the Xmax which consists of proschuto and mozzarella stacked high between two pancakes.
Don’t you say a fucking word until you’ve tried it.

On an unrelated note: today was just fine.
I found out I can attach my iPod to my Bose Wave thing and did so with excellent results.
I then headed out to pick up the next two Bond books and I found the very last copy of Gorillaz: Rise of the Ogre at the uptown Barnes & Noble’s for 50% off.
I also got my copy of 12 Rounds’ album “My Big Hero” which kicks fucking ass and which features Atticus Ross (producer of most recent NIN albums), Barry Adamson (of David Lynch fame) and Nick Cave (“the Stephen King of rock”).
I did have to use my AK, but just a little.
Other than that, everything was great.

Tomorrow I explore the dark heart of New York City with Chris and then there’s rehearsal for “Hidden In This Picture” (the Aaron Sorkin play which I’m in that goes up Thursday February 8th, Friday February 9th and Saturday February 10th at the Red Room in Downtown NYC).
Sunday will consist of more Brunch fun with Lauren and Chris in LIC and an extended bout of bringing sexy back consisting of a trip to see “Alpha Dog”.
In my defense for seeing a movie starring Justin Timberlake: remember Mark Walberg? Did you see him in the “Good Vibrations” video lifting weights in a factory while is was raining and think that one day he would be the star of “Boogie Nights”, one of the best movies ever?
Did not fucking think so.
Well, I am hedging my bets.
Anyone interested in joining must be willing to beg for a spot.
Space is extremely limited for people who are not actively trying to bring sexy back.
You know who you fucking are.

nine inch nails: year zero
coming april 2007.
it could be about the end of the world.

Luring disco dollies to a life of vice...

1.3.07
5:43 PM
First: the best song in the world is “Sex Dwarf” by Soft Cell.
It has an infectious synth riff that will show up on your blood test and backing vocals that will make you laugh with uncertainty.
I put it up on my myspace page so check it out.
Next: I went to the new Apple store (the one on 59th) today to get some accessories for BIZAG.
People, this is what the future looks like.
And in the future, everyone will be a gay hippie.
And we will all carry shining drawstring bags.
Finally: Next time you eat food, I want you to chew each mouthful fifty (50) times.
I want to see if you can you fucking wolfcows.
Appendage: I am going to meet David Lynch next Thursday at his signing at Barnes & Noble.
If anyone wants to see me get weird and squishy, come with.
7pm at some downtown B&N.
Appendage the Second: I went out and bought some DVD cases and a good stock of paper and now I can make my unofficial official copies of ‘Closure’ and The Broken Movie.
I don’t know if I mentioned it, but here’s the nugget:
In 1997 Nine Inch Nails released a 2-VHS collection called ‘Closure’. The first tape was a tour journal-type thing with live footage, interview stuff and backstage antics. Tape two was NIN’s videography thus far.
Flash forward to 2004.
Reznor announces that there is going to be a 10th anniversary re-release of his 1994 multi-platinum album “The Downward Spiral” (which doesn’t come out until November 2005). He also posts a teaser for a deluxe 2-disc edition of ‘Closure’ on DVD, boasting 90 minutes of extra footage.
At the end of the teaser the words “fall 2004” appear.
The teaser came out around the middle of 2004.
By the middle of 2005 ‘Closure’ is finished, but for legal reasons it cannot be released.
“Red tape” is the reason given by Reznor.
Flash forward to December 20th, 2006.
A torrent (which, by definition, is always unofficial) for the prototype ‘Closure’ DVD (complete with extra features and digital remastering) appears on The Pirate Bay website.
About a day later, Reznor posts this in his blog:

“Merry Christmas.
Consider this a guilt-free download.
(Shhh—I didn’t say that…)
If you know what I’m talking about, cool…”

Around this time a torrent (posted by the same poster as ‘Closure’) uploaded a pristine copy of The Broken Movie, a series of music videos united by one storyline that was created to accompany the 1992 Nine Inch Nails EP ‘Broken’.
Bottom line is this: Reznor said ‘fuck you’ to the label and ‘thank you’ to his fans all at once.
Rather than wait another year for the record label to sort out their shit, he simply gave the fans something special.
This is why his fans are so rabid.
Anyway, with my dual layer DVD burner, a $54 stack of DVD+R DL’s (a format I didn’t know existed two weeks ago), some nice matte photo paper and my printer, I will soon have the closest thing to an official release of both ‘Closure’ and The Broken Movie that there will (at this point) ever be.
This is what both James Brown and Saddam Hussein died for.
I thank them both.

...and boy it's rough...

1.2.07
5:18 PM
Biiiig year this is set to be.
Chris and I moving to a two bedroom place, taking that next step in our seven year relationship, new Nine Inch Nails album, two new They Might Be Giants albums…
Hmmm…
Actually, that’s it.
Never mind.