9.30.2004

Gonna ram it ram it ram it ram it up your poop chute...

So I have extracted some jewels and put them in the "Memories" section. Do you remember the things I used to live with? If not you should check out the "Memories" section. Fucking shit.

Sex Nazis

A few years back, the Nazis, or as I like to call them "bad Germans", were running around persecuting and killing gays and gypsies and other biologically inferior groups. That was bad...at least for gays and gypsies and other human dirt that wasn't spawned from the sacred union of the Tiger and the Turtle. Anyhoo, once Mr. Moustache killed himself, there was a calm that, while it was pleasant, was sure to break someday. Well...that day has come. I have here two startling images being circulated by Neo Nazi factions now springing up all over modern day Germany.


Now, at first glance, these look like simple candy wrappers, but once you delve into the twisted, rotting brain case of the Neo Nazi figurehead (one Beverly Parkerschlitz) you begin to see that these are but the merest wisps of insane cotton in the Neo Nazi tapestry of malevolent megalomanical madness. Now, after almost four thousand years, their reign of terror has begun again. While the first Nazis, or Old School Nazis as I like to call them, persecuted those that were different in favor of the blond haired, blue eyed supermen they were trying to spread throughout the world, this time around they have learned from their mistakes and have "flipped the script" on us, one might say. By analyzing these pictures one understands that this time the Nazis are going for the opposite: a world SO tolerant and SO free that even fruits are encouraged to have sexual relations and form new types of fruit through their unholy sweet congress. Once they have blanketed the world with images like these: pigs and peppers, benches and peanut butter, sand and fax machines, blacks and whites, grapes and clams, bears and pasta, Madison and her own offspring, fish and chips (the American chips, not the British ones) the world will be defenseless against the Neo Nazis and ripe for the plucking. This is not the unstoppable killing machine we were once dealing with, no. This is megajuxtopostioning, ultramixology and uberkonfusion. The enemy no longer uses nerve gas and the entirely ugly and angry sounding German language; this time they are using silly string and made up languages like Pig Latin and Puerto Rican. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the dawning of a terrible new age. The Neo Nazi Age of Befuddlement. In the coming years we can expect to see a gay woman as the King of America, an albino as the Emperor of Africa, a pineapple as the President of Australia...we will see President Bush and Harry Potter impaled upon the same pike, Nigel, hip and under a hundred and fifty pounds, Will will marry a girl that is not only in the same hemisphere or continent, but in the same house as he, Prince will do a song with a tree and then eat it, Michael Jackson will masturbate on children and no one will notice, airplanes will become sentient and learn to swim, Tom Jones will soil himself and a small desert, groundhogs will carry razor wire...once these things and more have come to pass, we shall know that the Nazi Age of Befuddlement has engulfed us. After ten thousand years of darkness, confusion and defenestration, all of existence will pause for just one moment and a single blade of grass will turn into Owl Boy and then He shall lead us to a bright, clean place. Until that moment though, we can expect things to get much much worse. So good luck and remember that your genitals may bleed of their own accord. Keep your hands in your pockets or the pockets of someone near you.

9.24.2004

"Weary" defined

So I was out on an audition today and I decided to bring along Johnny Cash "The Man Comes Around" (his last album) with me because I couldn't remeber all the songs on it. He has a cover of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" with Fiona Apple. The first line is "when you're weary..."
To hear Cash say this word "weary" is to FEEL what that word means. Weary isn't, Oh geez, I've been up since 5am. When he says it, you feel every fucking second of his life. This man invented weary. Everyone was sad when Cash died, myself included, but to really HEAR him say the word weary, I felt better about him being dead. He's finally getting some rest. I imagine if someone could channel Cash and ask what he's feeling now or what he's thinking. I have an idea he would just sigh.
Aside from that song, there are a few other jewels on it. His cover of NIN's "Hurt" makes Trent Reznor sound like a five year old with a skinned knee and the last track, Cash and his whole family singing "We'll Meet Again" bring me to tears every time I hear it. There's a lot of other great stuff on it with only two or three REALLY country tracksm but hey that's why Jesus made track skipping buttons. So pick up Cash's "The Man Comes Around" if you are ever feeling too happy or think you've had a bad, tiring day or if you're just in need of some idea of what seventy one hard years on Earth feels like.