Couchthulhu

I must write in haste, for I believe it knows where I am...

Oh how I yearn for simpler, less deadly times!

Alas and alack!

But I digress...

Just this morning, there was a sound of rapping at the door to my domicile.

When I opened the door, I saw no living thing but a comfortable, loden green couch.

How foolish I was!

I took it in as if it were a boon from the Gods themselves!

And perhaps it was...but from which sinister Gods I know not!

They say never to look a gift horse in the mouth and I have always upheld that adage...until now!

For one might not know their gift horse's mouth contains the gateway to Hell itself!

Ah, but again I digress!

Please forgive me, for my very soul has been chilled!

Upon replacing my old, trustworthy couch with this sleek, new abomination, I began to notice slight changes in my home...

Walls seems closer, the ceiling, lower and the sunlight, less brilliant on my varnished wooden floors...

It was as if some maligned force was affecting the very place I called my own!

If only my mind had been more quick to act!

But now I suffer the consequence of lethargy...

I ignored the communiqués from every nerve in my body and succumbed to the drowsiness that stole over me.

I lay on the new couch to close my eyes for a moment and regain my strength that I had, up to a few moments before, been instilled with.

I awoke with a start from a horrible dream of drowning or being swallowed alive to find that, indeed, it had been no dream!

I looked down at myself and saw with horror and revulsion that this demon spawn had separated me from my right leg at the thigh!

It was alive!

It was hungry!

I made my way from the parlor to my study and locked the door to write this, which will certainly be my last communication with the world of the living!

Such a fool I was!

I came here to this accursed place to find out what had happened to my father and his father before him!

Now I know all too well!

Stupid stupid stupid!

Devoured by a couch?

How utterly inane!

how vainglorious!

How fucking goddamn dumb!

Fuck! FUCK!!

Wait...what was that noise?

Oh dear shit!!

It's...somehow it's...EATING THROUGH THE DOOR!!

As I write this it's slowly moving towards me!

If only I could stop describing the events befalling me and simple exit through the window which would lead me to safety!

But alas, I must recount every last terrible detail!

Why did I not actually read the bloodstained diaries of my father and grandfather?

What could I have been thinking taking residence here at Evil Couch Manor?

How was I to know it wasn't just a silly name like

Oh no!

While lost in reverie, the abomination has drawn even closer!

I might only have a few paragraphs to live!!

How slow it moves!

How inexorable yet slow.

So slow!

If only I could just stand up and leave!

The window is right there!

Seriously!

But I must leave this for MY son to find...

Wait.

Hm.

I am not married.

Well, that changes things a bit.

I don't even think I've made love to a woman ever...

Let me see...

There was that costume party a few months ago at Cecil's summer home in Normandy but...no...that was just a blowjob...hm...women can't catch preg from that can they?

Ah!

If only I had read the bloodstained volumes regarding human sexuality and basic anatomy!

Fool!

Fool that I am!

Or was in a few minutes' time when this demon consumes me whole!

Alas and alack!

Alack and alas!

Alas— oh, a penny!

Syphilis Road

or St. Fuckeyes Cathedral!