Video Game Mouthful

I've finally had some time to play some goddamn video games over the past few months and I know you'd just fucking die if I didn't write about them so you could read my thoughts and feelings regarding them.
So, you're welcome.
Parasite.

Deadpool
When rumors of a Deadpool game sprouted up a few years ago, my reaction was the same as it is every time I hear about something I love going into a new medium: don't fuck it up.
Jump ahead.
After the first trailer for the Deadpool game came out and people started ripping it apart, I was let down, but, I decided to reserve judgement until it was out and the people who were huge into Deadpool (like myself) had gotten their hands on it.
Long story short: they nailed the character, 100%. The writing and the voice (Nolan North, a man I aspire to be) were just spot on. I enjoyed the cameos and, while I bit abrupt, they decided to go with a Deadpool ending to a Deadpool game, and I respect that.
At times, the game got in the way of itself and I was a bit disappointed at how easy it was to kill Deadpool (his healing factor is more aggressive than Wolverine's y'all, **insert tooth suck noise**, but they did a really solid job and I would happily go in for a sequel. I'm hoping the game also served to show how much people really want a Deadpool movie and, based on the whispers of the upcoming X-Force film, I think it may have worked.
Ron Perlman as Cable
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool
Uma Thurman as Domino
We all set?
Good.

GTA V
But first I finally played those two DLC packs from GTA IV, "We Like Sons of Anarchy" and "Yeah, I Guess We Could Make Something Else Up...What About Something Where The Lead Character is Latino And There Is A Gay Guy?".
Here's what happens every time a new GTA comes out (since GTA 3, anyway): I shrug and pay peripheral attention (we all know I'm going to get it), then, as it gets closer and those cinematic trailers start coming out, showing off how beautiful the devs have made it, I get a little more tingly, then, it's released, gets called the best game ever and I buy it.
I play it, am blown away by the graphical improvements, take note of how they are trying, consciously, not to do the same stuff they did in the previous games and then, after finishing the campaign and getting let down by how the payoff is never worth time I invested in it, finish a few more things here and there and then I'm over it.
History does, indeed, repeat itself.
I liked the game a lot, and those graphics and details really are astonishing. The ability to switch between three characters really helped keep things fresh too. Michael's and Trevor's plots were the most interesting although did anyone else notice that there wasn't any resolution between Trevor and Michael? They just sort of decided not to kill each other.
Overall, everything about it was great (although isn't it time for a custom radio station? In this age of Sirius XM and Spotify and all that, wouldn't it make sense in the world of GTA?), but, again, like GTA 3, Vice City (which had the best radio, hands down), San Andreas and GTA IV, once I'd finished what I was going to finish (maybe...87.6% completion when I put it down?), it fell off my radar completely.
I suppose that's natural and, depending on what else is coming out that you're looking forward to, the speed with which one forgets a game can differ, but, still, I yearn...
I'm pretty certain that, by the time any single player DLC comes out (in March or so), I'll have completely lost interest, although I might pick up said DLC and check it out before the next GTA iteration arrives.
I will say I am totally stoked about a next-gen GTA.

Spelunky
Okay. First of all, fuck this game.
How can explain this to you non-gamers who aren't reading this....so, there's this game, Demon's Souls, where you play until you die, you only have one life and there are enemies that can kill you in one hit. From point A to point B, you kill things and gather souls as currency. When you die, all the souls you've collected remain where you last died. If you can reach that point again, you get all those souls back, but, if you die before you reach the place where you last died, you lose those souls and all progress.
Short version: you could play the game for three hours, make two mistakes, and it will have been as if you haven't played the game at all.
Sort of like blacking out from drinking, but, with drinking, at least you may have hooked up with someone.
This game is fiercely defended by certain gamers (one could call them sado-masochists) and, in some circles, is considered a game-changing work.
I borrowed it from a friend, Jim, one of those sado-masochists), played for three hours and then made two mistakes, thus making it seem as if I had not played at all. I set down the controller, removed the disc from my PS3, put it back in its case and set it aside.
It was either that or, literally, throw the PS3, controller and TV out the window.
One or the other.
To put it in Jim's words: you need to learn the rules of the game. Every mistake is yours. If you don't pay attention and follow those rules, you will die.
Spelunky is like that, but worse.
One can win this game in less than ten minutes. If you are quick, yet cautious and pay attention to your surroundings.
There are twelve levels in the normal game, four in the mines, four in the jungle, four in the ice caves and four in the temple. Twelve. You need to get from the top of the screen to the bottom, where there is an exit. You have four hit points but can do stuff to get more, but it takes a little effort.
The longest game I've play has been about fourteen minutes. The shortest, less than three seconds.
I have never won this game.
Fuck this game.
I will pick it up again someday.
I can't explain this to you.


The Last Five Call of Duty games (before Ghosts)
So, the next generation has arrived.
I guess.
I don't plan on giving a shit until Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes comes out in the spring.
But, as the next generation was starting, people were making lists.
Lists of the best games of this generation, and one of the best games of the generation, according to Kotaku, was Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.
All I knew of this game was all I really knew of all COD games: first person military shooter, multiplayer lousy with immature, racist, pothead bros.
In other words: not for me.
It takes a lot to get me into an FPS. A really great story (the Bioshock series) or something that isn't running around and shooting dudes (Condemned), but, ten million Elvis fans can't be wrong, right?
So, I went out to my local Gamestop and plunked down three dollars for a used copy of COD4:MW.
I played an SAS recruit named "Soap" MacTavish.
As he never spoke a word, a common and lazy choice when creating an FPS and yet another reason I find them boring as fuck, I did not give a shit whether he lived or died.
I also played an Army Ranger named...something patriotic and generic...Steve Jackson. At one point, a terrorist detonated a nuclear device in Afghanistan, and your Ranger character dies.
Like, for real.
That was a first and was somewhat interesting, but, again, he never said a word and just followed folks around mostly, so I really didn't care.
Long story short (the game was very short, about five or six hours), bad Russian dude who was behind the nuke attack launches some nuclear missiles which get blown up before they hit and "Soap" MacTavish saves the day.
On the whole, nothing really blew me away, it was short as fuck but cheap as dirt and kind of fun, and, as I do like me a game franchise with a universe, I decided to pick up Modern Warfare 2.
This was more interesting; the stakes were raised and things got a lot more global. There is a mission where you're running through a burning, powerless Washington D.C. and I got that same rush as I did when I saw the ruins of D.C. in Fallout 3 for the first time: something about seeing a monument or location you know and that has always been there in complete and utter disarray...it's effective.
This time, you play as "Roach", who, like "Soap" never says a fucking word, although, now that you aren't controlling "Soap" he's talkative as fuck, Scottish, if you can believe it.
Maybe he was just shy as a rookie?
Anyway, Modern Warfare 2 ends with a cliffhanger and, since the third game was pretty much just as cheap, I went ahead and pulled the trigger.
The opening of the third game is great: we're involved in a full blown world war with the Russians and you start off as a (completely silent) member of Delta Force, taking back the New York Stock Exchange from the Russians, then getting involved in a fucking helicopter battle above the city. They seem to have reached the perfect height of spectacle in this one.
Eventually, "Soap" dies and you avenge his death as super badass SAS bloke, Captain Price.
Much like Batman, I feel bad as Price because I'm not good at these games.
Aside from the three Modern Warfare games, I also checked out the two Black Ops games.
In the first BO games, you have a character with a face and a voice! It's so goddamn refreshing that I was almost able to forgive how fucking awful this guy's American accent was. Did they absolutely NEED to cast an Australian actor for this? Jesus. It's all over the place. If this was going to happen with the silent protagonists, maybe it's better they stay silent...
I don't blame the actor (Sam Worthington) though, I blame the fucking director.
I'm a voice actor and when shit sounds awful, it's his job to stop you and say, gently yet firmly, "Sam, you know, we got a lot of Aussie on that last one, could we do another?"
Actors should obey their directors.
As for the story: it was gummy, convoluted and 90% flashback.
Oh, and they imply that you were brainwashed and killed Kennedy.
The sequel to this takes place in 2025 with you as the son of Sam Worthington with Merle from Walking Dead as your BFF and Tony Todd as your commanding officer, in perhaps one of the most overacted roles of his life. The only explanation I can think of is that, because they couldn't see him he thought he would have to act extra hard with his voice?
Again: it's the director's job to explain why that doesn't make any fucking sense.
The weapons are cool because it's the future but, after five of these games, I really found myself losing interest.
In the end, even though the characters were all complete zeroes, I liked the alternate history craziness of Modern Warfare over the pseudo-Fight Club shit of Black Ops.
Might be done with military shooters for the rest of my life.

Batman: Arkham Origins
I loved Arkham Asylum. The story and the game play and everything about it.
It has become the definitive Batman game.
The sequel, Arkham City, took things to the next level, made things open world. There was much more to do, more villains, more stories, more everything.
Some folks thought it was trying to do too much and defer to the original as being the better game.
The third game, Arkham Origins, which is a prequel, taking place after Batman has been Batmanning for two years in Gotham, focuses on his first encounter with the Joker, as well as eight assassins who have been hired by Black Mask on Christmas Eve to kill Batman.
The general consensus was that this is more of the same of what we got from Arkham City, sometimes using some of the exact same environments, but not as good since the studio that did the first two didn't handle this one.
That is pretty accurate.
But, like I said, I loved the first two games and the Batman universe, so I liked this one as well.
While the character designs are great (the designers always try to do something different with the look of the characters, not relying too heavily on the cartoons or the comics or the movies) and the voice acting was really solid (they did not get Kevin Conroy for Batman, but chose to go with a younger sounding guy, nor did they go with Mark Hamill as Joker, but rather an 70% soundalike), I did have a few problems; such as the fact that no one else seemed to be meeting Batman for the first time except for the Joker. I also thought there would something about Batman's origins, but, nope. the game starts with Batman finding out about the assassins and then going to town.
I can see some thin spots here, for instance, how close the fight with Copperhead was to the fight with Ra's al Ghul in Arkham City, how they keep finding ways to poison Batman so they can do something "interesting" with the gameplay and how I spend hours in every one of these fucking games finding every fucking Riddler trophy / datapack / Anarky tag / Cyrus Pinkney plaque because I have a touch of OCD.
Honestly, I felt bad playing this game because I'm a terrible Batman, something that is only sometimes my fault.
Here are some things that defeated Batman in this game: water, steam (there wasn't any ice in this game, but I'm sure that would have been just as victorious over the Dark Knight as in its other forms), wind (instead of just having invisible walls, whenever he gets too close to a boundary, they have a strong gust of wind push him back. A strong gust of wind. This fucking guy beat Superman on numerous occasions), and the one foot gap between the top of a billboard and a roof.
I also loved how, when a guy with a gun spots Batman, rather than rushing in and fucking breaking his face while he's standing there, shocked at the mere presence of the Batman, Batman decides, rather, that it would be a better idea to do the Skanking Pickle and punch the air like a fussy toddler.
Game designers: when you are five feet from a guy with a gun and he turns around and sees you, when you press the attack button, Batman should attack the guy with the gun, not have a dance party.
You fucks.
Then there's Batman's inability to grapnel when you fucking need him too.
HE'S BATMAN GOD DAMN IT. HE CAN GRAPNEL WHERE AND WHEN HE WANTS.
But, that's the rub when it comes to making a Batman video game...it's still a video game. There are invisible walls and inaccessible places and all that. I just wish they would hide it better instead of taking it out of fucking Batman.
Plus, all the cliffhangers were toothless.
There's a point where Alfred dies...until, ten seconds later Batman saves him...because Alfred can't die in the prequel if he's in the later games.
Then there's Bane finding out who you are...until he takes a chemical that is like super Venom...but it causes memory loss.
Really?
Memory loss?
Or maybe this was allll a dream.
And there has GOT to be a way to make collecting all those fucking datapacks (there were two hundred...and I collected them ALL) worth it. An empty fucking room and a little collectible thing worth 100000 XP?
I ALREADY HAVE ALL THE FUCKING XP FOR COLLECTING EVERYTHING THAT ALLOWED ME TO GET TO THIS FUCKING THING!
Christ.
Anyway, aside from all that...good times.
Can't wait for that Suicide Squad game.

Batman: Arkham City
Origins made me hungry for Arkham City, so I played through that again. Hands down, a better and more interesting game than Origins. I don't know if it's because Origins is a prequel, a thing that will, inherently, never be a good thing or because of Kevin Conroy and the best Joker performance Mark Hamill has ever given or the story and the ending or what but, yeah. Arkham City wins.
I played the New Game Plus, where you start with all your stuff from the previous playthrough and, let me tell you, being able to play a Batman game without having to give a shit about getting any of those fucking Riddler trophies is endless bliss, on the other hand, all those fights without the counter indicator made things a lot more frustrating, especially the fucking ninjas...AM I RIGHT?!?!?!!?
Some highlights I had forgotten: the Clayface fight, the Mr. Freeze fight, every time the Joker speaks, the random thug chatter you pick up drifting around the city, the implications Azrael brings and Nolan North's Penguin.
Very keen to see what Rocksteady has coming up next.

And, what now, you scream, silently?
Well, I have a stockpile of games to keep me sweaty until the PS4 gets streaming capabilities, and a handful of games I want to check out that are now cheaper.

Here they are (along with the reasons I'm probably going to just play Arkham Asylum or City again instead):

Far Cry 3 (it's an FPS, an intriguing one, but an FPS nonetheless. I'm off them for a while. And, yes, I've heard of and played the demo for Blood Dragon. Again, fun stuff, but FPS no no no!!!!)

Beyond: Two Souls (I've heard it's more like a long, interactive movie and riddled with cheap gameplay. But, as it's short, I might check this out next)

The Last Of Us (heard amazing things, but also that it is pitch black, both in tone and in luminescence)

Ashura's Wrath (heard a lot of good stuff; fun, not too much of a time commitment and that it's basically a series of ridiculous QTEs)

Assassins Creed III (story is slow, protagonist is bland as pap and I'm honestly fucking done with this series)

Deadly Premonition (basically Twin Peaks the video game. I've heard the controls (and, from some sources, that the game itself) are horrible.)

Shadows of the Damned (off the wall weird and adult action, gets old fast)

Hitman: Absolution (with all Hitman games, I tend to nail the first few missions, silent assassin like a mofo, but then, shit gets too hard and I give up, just killing everything I can before turning to a FAQ. Plus, the fucking storyline of this franchise seems totally borked. Let's get some continuity here folks! There's also some of that Batman thing where I feel bad at being so awful, this guy, Agent 47 is a SUPER ASSASSIN, but I'll probably try and stab a guy using a dog or something. Also, I get annoyed with the whole, oh, you quietly killed a guy on the fourth floor? Well, now fucking everyone in the building knows about it.  These dicks aren't part of the hive mind, you lazy goddamn programmers!)

Deus Ex: Human Revolution Need to sit down and finish this. This was another one that was supposed to be amazing so I bought it on the cheap. Didn't know it was an FPS which totally bummed me out. A lot more interesting that any of the COD stuff, but, again, fucking FPS. I might just slog my way through it as, the last time I played it (months ago), the Illuminati were named as the antagonists in it. Which is awesome. Hail Discordia!!!

Ugh.
Look at all that.
This is valuable time I could have spent playing video games.
You dicks.

Media Salve

This weekend...aside from almost wrapping up my second audio book...I just soaked myself in media...

Chris and I finished the third season of Walking Dead...Spoilers!!!...the fact that they are stretching out the Governor plot line gives me a sinking feeling that they've kind of run dry for season four...despite the, literally, hundreds of issues of the graphic novel that are out.
I'm very happy that Andrea has finally shuffled off this mortal coil as she was just retarded this season.
"Muuuuh, mebbe I can haz help the Gubberber be nice and gud agen!!!! Fistanks full up HEDZ?! Naw...no warning signs there..."
Idiot.
Glen and Maggie getting married?
Meh.
Zombie fodder you have an emotional attachment to is still zombie fodder.
Carl losing every shred of his soul?
Now THAT is good* TV! And, when he called out his father for being a pussy and not doing what was best for the group?
Nice.
Seriously though, they could have killed the Governor, like, six times before THEY LOST HIM.
Ugh.

Never mind.
We also took in the remake of Total Recall.
Pretty solid.
Really cool design and future stuff. Didn't hate Jessica Biel. Lens flares used abundantly yet appropriately, J.J. I'm looking at you...
I liked the nods here and there to the first movie and was totally okay with the fact that Mars had NOTHING to do with anything.
Also, Bryan Cranston: elect him President than have him punch some guys.
On the whole, I liken this to the remake of Judge Dredd which I squirted over recently.
Mindless, yet well done action, cool future design etc.
If any of you saw TR and dug it, you'll probably dig Dredd.

Finished the fourth season of Archer in, what, two days?
More.
More, more, more.
And Jon Hamm was amazing.

Also watched the Comedians of Comedy Live thing on Netflix. Actually cried with laughter during Eugene Mirman's set.
I need to see him so I can feel emotions again.

Rewatched The Talented Mr. Ripley since the first time I saw it in theaters with Jeannie in Miami.
Very solid. Although Jesi Mullins and I discussed later on how neither of us get Paltrow as the most beautiful anything in the world. She's just too plain. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but, come on, the world is pretty freaking big.
Don't know if I've straight up come out and said this but: I enjoy Matt Damon.
I'm going on record.
I enjoy Matt Damon.
I also think Jude Law did a great job as a vain, overprivileged asshole.
And he has a great ass.
Unless that was a body double, in while case, shame on you, Jude.
Shame.
Tease.
Oh, and, Philip Seymour Hoffman!
I love to hate you!!!

Then, I finally got around to watching the RZA's movie, The Man With The Iron Fists.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
This film is made of two things: kung fu and ridiculous.
He finally got to make his kung fu movie and holy fucking god shit does it deliver.
It is EXACTLY what you would expect from RZA, Tarentino and Eli Roth.
Seriously.
Think of what a kung fu movie made by these three would consist of and you have thought of this movie.
Oh, but first, add Russell Crowe as an oversexed, opium addicted government agent/assassin.
There you go.
Now you have thought of the movie.
Something interesting that I picked up on...there is hilariously graphic violence in this, violence to rival and overcome that which was seen in the Kill Bill films, but, although there is a whorehouse (run by a fucking bad ass Lucy Liu who comes equipped with a fucking blade fan), there is no nudity whatsoever.
There is a comment here...somewhere...I don't know where and I don't quite know what...but there is a comment there...
Maybe something about how violence is more commonplace and accepted than boobs.
Which is dumb.
I'd rather watch boobs than violence any day...then again, if Chris came home and saw me playing a video game that consisted of boobs rather than horrendous violence...actually, I have no idea how that would go down...
Let's move on.
Check out The Man Etc Fists.
It's just stupid great.
...and they're hoping to do a sequel!!!!!

Going back to horrendous violence for a moment, since I returned from the honeymoon, I have been digging into my pile of purchased yet unplayed video games.
I have finished Metal Gear Rising on both easy and normal and when I tried to play it on heard, I realized, once again, that I am not good at video games.
I think I might be finished with that game.
My time with it was short and mostly enjoyable, although it felt way too short to be a real Metal Gear game. I enjoyed the characters and story and all that, but, yeah, there needed to have been more Kojima-ness.
I might run through it once more, just to see if I missed anything (codec conversation whore...right here) and, although the first piece of DLC was panned, I might check that out as well.
I'm not really ready for the game to be over, I suppose...especially since the next real Metal Gear game isn't coming out for years.
One thing I will say: when you take out a fucking Metal Gear Ray with nothing but a SWORD and your massive balls in the fucking TUTORIAL?
Nice.

Aside from MGR, I jumped into Bioshock Infinite a few weeks ago and, while it is still just a god damn FPS, the story is SO intriguing...parallel universes have been introduced and I have been to three (that I know of) at this point. Have not finished it yet but I am wildly excited to do so.

By that time, Remember Me should be out and then The Last Of Us is right around the corner...even though I have a solid stack to make my way through along with those...sheesh.

BUT I have not just been soaking my balls in media since I got home!
I am one recording and editing session away from completing my second audio book, which will be released as a 13-part podcast before normal distribution as a complete work on the retail sites (Amazon, Audible, iTunes). Very, very excited for you to hear this.
It's hot.
Like...sexy hot.
So, if you've ever wanted to hear me read a sex scene...yeah...his one is for you...and decidedly not for members of my family.
So, do me a big up and don't mention this one to them.
Much thanks.

Also on this front, in eleven days, I shall pick up my brand new iMac from the Apple Store, at which point I shall install the new ProTools and begin the second wave of digressive_obscenity.
Why, you ask? Is it, perhaps, because of the thunderous response I received from my first wave of episodes?
Not at all! As far as I can tell, maybe 15 people have listened to said episodes! I'm doing this because I have a lot of fun and, as it turns out, its pretty easy to get in touch with the publicists for the bands/artists that you really like.
So, hopefully, the second wave should have a bit more...mass appeal, but, if it doesn't?
Fuck it.
I still have cool and interesting friend with whom I want to talk about things...and stuff...and boobs...

Aside from all this media-ball-soakage and DIY fame and fortune hunting, I'm also about to show up on a different podcast AS TOTALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! It's called Electromagnetic Theater and it should be up soon...I'll keep you posted.
Then there's the Speakaboos iTunes app, which should (hope hope hope) be launching at the end of May if everything goes well. I am ALL OVER Speakaboos.
Then, more Target radio spots starring me and my sexy voice mouth, plus a huge thing that might or might not happen!!!
HUGE!!!
MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT!!!!
And, as mentioned at some point before, we are finally commencing with shooting the pilot for Becca Kopec's web series, Just Super, in which I will wear a trenchcoat and might (OR MIGHT NOT!!!) be a pervert.

Whew.

Such busy!!!!!!
Such busy is me!!!!!!!
WOO WOO!!!!!!





* Read "horrifying and sad"

It Ain't Easy Being Awesome -OR- It's Actually Pretty Easy And Awesome Being Awesome

First, some victorious self-tooting, if I may.
Without going into too much detail: I had a VO session with a big corporation recently.
The promised rate was $1000.
After the session, the producer told some untruth to my agent regarding me, which I, rather rabidly, refuted.
Next, instead of having me back in to do some more work on the session (which they asked about in an earlier e-mail), they decided to go with another talent (which has happened to me before and doesn't really matter because this was a poorly written internal thing which no one was really going to have seen anyway and, either way, whether they use it or not, I still get paid) and then try to ask for an invoice...for $300.
Hey now wait.
There were e-mails exchanged back and forth, all of which amounted to jack shit, because the contract I received FROM said producer on the day of the session said, clearly, $1000.
Anyway, after some bullshit, this huge and very well-paid corporation found it in their gigantic and love-filled hearts to honor the original fucking contract.
Fucking assholes.
Anyway, hard won victory.
Tastes like the best lobster rolls in Maine.

On top of that, tomorrow and Wednesday I have bookings, one for MCCH...whatever that is, and then I go back in for some more Miriam Hospital stuff.
Plus, last week, San Pelligrino had me back for my third session for their new internal video thing.
It's sexy and sexy and yeah.

Over the weekend, I recorded three episodes of digressive_obscenity (with Ray Zibba Zabba, Alex "Wide Receiver" Pakla and Dawn Brooke Owens, putting me four away from my goal of ten for the first wave. While I have a few potential guests lined up, I'm always looking for more, so, let me know if you have an iPhone and an urge to get digressive with me.

Aside from creative things that I am involved with, there's a bunch of creative stuff that I am not involved with that I am enjoying.

Such as Community (after having it, literally, forced down my throat by Jen and Lisa, I have finally sat down and burned my way thought the first two and a half seasons, leaving me with only 12 or 13 more episodes before they are finished and a part of me dies...until February. On the whole, I have found real enjoyment, and, in some cases, like the paintball episodes and that parallel dimension episode, some profound joy, but, while I haven't disliked any one episode, sometimes the hype doesn't live up to the product. It is, however, immanently quotable. And season three is delightfully batshit thus far.).

I've also just embarked upon the fifth season of Mad Men and...well, things are happening there as well. I continue to love how hateable Roger is. And seeing Alison Brie as both Pete Campbell's wife and Annie Edison is...confusingly arousing or arousingly confusing.
Or both.

Just recently, Chris stumbled across what may be the darkest and most disjointed Brit-com I've ever seen. It's called Snuff Box and is (incredibly) loosely based around these two hangmen, Matt Berry and Rich Fulcher. These guys have popped up in The IT Crowd and Mighty Boosh as well as a bunch of other BBC stuff (I love how incestuous the BBC is...) and...it's pretty insane. I don't really think I can explain it...so...I'd say you should just track it down; it's streaming on Netflix.
If this helps, Christina is convinced that I've written about 80% of it.

Over the weekend, Chris and I also took in Pirate Radio (which, while nothing more than a blow job for all of rock and roll- not that there is a thing wrong with that, rock and roll is pretty awesome- had an amazing cast and some of the best deleted scenes I've seen since Wet Hot American Summer. Sadly, it also had a lot of montages the content of which covered "people listening to the radio while happy", "people dancing while listening to the radio" and "people listening to the radio while sad". Maybe if they had cut out some of these montages, they could have fit some of the forty minutes of deleted scenes back into the film.) and Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (which is based on a book that Marilyn Manson has been fellating since the early 90's. It stars Ben Whishaw (the new Q) and, after seeing this, I truly believe that he should be the next Bond villain. Wow is this dark and well shot and that makes it worse because you can clearly see all the dark and horrible shit going on on the screen. Worth a look if you have the balls and guts and stomach and other parts of human anatomy.).

Along with these, I was almost done re-reading The Langoliers, but got bored when they started refueling the jet, and put it down in favor of re-reading some of the Ian Fleming Bond books, namely Live and Let Die. I've also ordered the first of the Young Bond series from the early 00's as Alan has been going on about them favorablyy for quite a while.

I also have the urge to read more Iron Man...so that may happen as well...if you're lucky.

Shockingly, I haven't been doing much gaming as I'm still waiting for that Resident Evil 6 update that allows Jen and I to finally finish the fucking game. I AM SUCH A GOOD AND PATIENT FRIEND AS I COULD HAVE FINISHED THIS ON MY OWN MONTHS AGO!!!!! I have five brand new, unopened video games (The Amazing Spider-Man, Silent Hill: Downpour, Shadows of the Damned and Assassin's Creed 3 with Lollipop Chainsaw on the way) and all I want to do is finish RE6.
WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR?!

I don't know why these things keep happening to me.

But, aside from all this horrible stuff, the plans for my wedding to my One and Only are running smoothly now that the election is over. She's got her dress and, hopefully, this weekend will result in our caterers being booked...hopefully. I am finding that the money-grubbing, love-raping, cold, gray, stone-faced wedding industry is not making me love Christina any less, so I guess that's something.

Target Aquired...Me. Target Acquired Me To Do Some Radio Commercials.

WHAT AREN'T YOU GETTING?
GAWD!
But, yes, I am excited to say I'm not just making this up and even more excited to inform you that one of the scripts I'll be recording is about bacon.
Bacon: The Food of Joy.
And it is delightfully, sexily over the top, a state in which I reside, at all times, hence my oft overused hyperbole.
Is there a regular, non-hyper bole?
I'm going to check...

Hm.
According to dictionary.com it's the stem or trunk of a tree.
Hm.

Well, that makes absolutely no fucking sense...
Assholes.

Anyway, yeah, one's about bacon, and one is about popcorn chicken and the third is about tomatoes...but I haven't read that one yet.
I'll do that now!!!

Okay, the tomato one is pretty funny too.
And ALL THIS came from my superhot home studio set up.
WOO!
That's on Wednesday, and, tomorrow, I have an audition for audible.com which sounds kind of bland, but, perhaps I can bring some sizzle.
Because that...is what I do...bring sizzle.
Would you like some sizzle?
:::call me:::

In other news, Hurricane Sandy did nothing to affect me.
Nothing.
It's getting to the point where I am starting to feel guilty about telling people this because so many have been totally fucked by this thing.
But, yeah, nothing.
We had some rain.
And my pizza place wasn't delivering.

Skipping the rest of that; the Halloween party was a success, even though about a quarter to a third of the people there were either friends of friends or friends of friends of friends.
All good people all having good fun.

Special shout out to Fitzy for opening and then pretty much closing the festivities despite knowing a total of two people at the whole thing.
And also for letting me call her "Fitzy".
Say it alud, it's awesome!*
FITZYYY!!!!
Love it.

Jen and I are still carving our way through the zombie (and J'Avo) hoards in Resident Evil 6. We're two final chapters (Leon/Helena's and Jake/Sherry's) away from the "end"**. All in all, I think hearing all that negative shit about the game before I played it helped me to get over it, that, and the fact that a lot of it was just whining about nothing. I will say that split screen is balls for someone with eye problems and the plethora of insta-kill moments get real old, real quick, but, other than those shitty patches, the game has been great, and the complaint that they "tried to put too much into this game" is fucking stupid.
VIDEOS GAMES SHOULD BE A LONG TERM INVESTMENT AS FAR AS ENTERTAINMENT GOES.
That's like complaining about having TOO MANY ORGASMS during intercourse.
Idiots.
So, hopefully, in the near future, Jen and I will wrap this up and find out what in the blue fuck is going on.

But not next Sunday...because I'm seeing the new Bond movie.
And, the day before THAT, I'll be five feet from my apartment, seeing Eugene Mirman and some comics who aren't Eugene Mirman at P.S. 1.

Feeling rambly.
Would like to go home now.

I should have Resident Evil: Damnation waiting for me.
If it is anything like Resident Evil: Regeneration...well, it's going to be unworthy of comment.
Then, once that is out of my house, I shall start getting Community, as everyone in the world has seen it and loves it and shut up I'm going to fucking watch it.

Chris and I recently watched Young Adult, which was...all right, I suppose. Both Charles Thorn and Patton Oswalt did a great job with what they were given, but they weren't given a whole bunch.
The plot focuses around a chick who had a thing with a dude in high school, but as soon as she sees that he's had a kid and is happy with his wife she goes back and tries to "free" him from the relationship.
Has this actually happened to people?
Who would do that?
Then again, who would do space docking?
Enough people that it has a name, so, moving on.

The ignorant wangbanger that has STILL remained here at the Hospital like a tiny clot of feces stuck in one's ass hair is always talking about martial arts.
All the time.
Like he is a master of the arts or something.
He's a fubsy, 50-something, bald Latino guy.
I'd like to hire a ninja to come and kick his ass so I can hear him talk about how exquisite his style was when he inevitably calls his moron, subhuman friend to talk about it.
Ugh.
These guys are so ratty. The way they talk and relate to the world and their voices and the stuff they talk about...just...ugh.
Dog farts.
Those guys are dog farts.
And the one dude's voice sounds like a Yoda made of scabs.
Like, imagine if Yoda was slightly retarded and had a thicker, rougher voice.
This assbag sounds like that.
And every thirty seconds he snorts snot back up his nose rather than blowing it like a human.
Ugh.
The fact that I haven't burned these bastards to death speaks volumes about just how tolerant and loving I am.
But that fact that I think and talk about doing so so often probably does not.

Oh! That's something the fucking hurricane did! I was going to hang with Phil and get him on my fucking podcast b ut shit got so fucked up that it never happened.
Fuckballs.
What a bitch.
Sandy, not Phil.
Phil is eyes deep in editing hell and it's all his fault. Three books in three months...what kind of psycho enters into that Devil's Pact?!
LUDICROUS!!!
MAD LUDICROUSNESS!!!

All right.
It's 10:45.
Fuck off.









*But you MUST say it like a jocular uncle opening his arms to hug a well-loved nephew he hasn't seen for years.

**The fourth and final campaign...Ada Wong's.

I HAVE CONSUMED ONE SIXTH OF THE RESIDENT EVIL 6 DEMO

Yes.
Specifically, playing as Leon in Leon's campaign (as opposed to Helana, whoever the fuck that is, these demos are a very vertical slice).
Very tense, very dark, very creepy.
I'm doing my best to stretch this out as long as I can because, man, I don't think I realized how much I have been looking forward to this game...
Luckily, I'm pretty tied up with stuff until it drops on October 2nd and I play it over that weekend with Jen as my co-op partner and Lisa as our the-person-who-sits-behind-us-and-screams-when-something-scary-happens.

But still...I yearn...

Anyway, tonight I make my very first appearance on a podcast EVER.
It's called Bookend Tiger Radio (a podcast about bookends which are shaped like tigers, but are actually radios...I assume) and you can check out their glory here...I think; they seem to have a several SoundCloud pages...
It's going to be excellent and I'm very excited for you not to hear it because you don't have enough time to listen to a podcast or you never listen to podcasts or what's a podcast?
Fucking Christ.
GOOGLE THE INTERNET, LUDDITES!

Earlier today, I had yet another Comcast VO session, but, BUT, rather than record with the same template we've used for a year and a half, we tried something different with my read...perhaps the worst thing that can happen to a voice actor...conversational.
*shudder*
Yes, up to this point, it has been sort of excited, slightly over-the-top...well, hear for yourself.
But, apparently, one of the Comcast Godlings thought that it sounded a bit too much like the Comcast sports guy, so they wanted it to be more...conversational.
And, of course, we've all had those conversations where someone just perks up and says, totally apropos of something, "hey guys, Xfinity gives you instant access to the most talked about movies and original programs On Demand- on TV and online" and everyone is, like, slowly backing away from that person...yeah, happens all the time.
Seriously, when have you ever called anything on television a program or used the phrase "most talked about"?
Ugh.
Advertising.
I'd be more upset if they loved/paid me less.
In the end, however, I gave them a different read which, while maybe not conversational, certainly sounds good. We'll see if they dissolve my contract or continue to give me hot towels, foot rubs and little, meaningful kisses.

The other night, I took Lady Jay Rock's advice and watched Death At A Funeral.
Rather than talk about it using words, I think I'm going to use an image:

Formulaic? You bet, but the trick is to have some really great actors and writers to create that big chunk in the middle, and that is exactly what they did: Alan Tudyk, the guy who played Spud in Trainspotting and Peter Dinklage (one of the tallest actors in Hollywood*), doing an incredible job as a little person, so convincing. Truly a fun, filthy movie.

Totally unrelated: those subway ads for that show "Nashville" (which, based on the number of subway cars utterly plastered with said ads, is going to be a total hit) that just feature the word "Nashville" and a kind of slutty looking woman just make me think of Nashville Pussy.

The band, not...yeah, anyway.

I had about forty five minutes before I was planning to go to bed the other night, so I watched the forty four minute documentary Six Days To Air, which follows the conception, creation and airing of an entire episode of South Park. Somehow, I have more and less respect for those two, but continue to want to be their friend, the only actor they don't hate and disdain... Learned from said doc that Bill Hader is a cast member and writer for the show, but, oddly enough, you never see him pitch one idea in any of the writers' meetings, just laugh at other peoples' stuff and repeat it, so, not sure what the viewer is supposed to take from that; most likely that Matt and Trey had it edited that way to be dicks.

I'm sick of all these letters.



* Industry secret, shh.

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover and Pyramid Head

Jen Rock showed up Saturday after noon to finish Silent Hill 2 and attend a rooftop film festival themed around experimental films concerning agriculture with Chris.
I stayed at home and laughed about that idea for a few hours.
When they returned, we all watched the Neil Gaiman episode of Doctor Who, became angry that he's never going to write for Doctor Who again and then continued our playthrough.
That game has so much more backtracking and trial and error than I remember...which is why we used a walkthrough.
Time is money, folks.

After we finished the game (with the "Leave" ending...look it up if you really want to), Jen got back at me for making her play Silent Hill 2 by putting on one of her favorite movies, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, starring Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren. Also Tim Roth getting food poisoning and vomiting.
This is one of the darker movies I've seen in recent memory and I'll never be able to see Gambon as Dumbledore again.
Wow.
If you have Netflix, it's on streaming.
Add it, watch it and get ready to be bummed out by the dark things humans do.

I've also just started watching the Sarah Silverman Program and Super Hero Squad.
There are very few similarities.
Except for the AIDS jokes.
SHS is so...endearing...but so...stupid...I will either never watch it again or finish both seasons in a matter of days.
Stay tuned.
As for the SSP, once she stops relying on her, "Aren't I adorable?! Look, I just said something horrendous and offensive! Aren't I funny because I'm adorable and said something both horrendous and offensive???" and actually starts being funny, I can enjoy the show.
So far, my favorite line (from a cop who's seen it all) is: "I've seen things that'd make you crap a book on how to puke."
Nicely done.

This Saturday, I may have some people over to watch Clue (which comes out tomorrow on Blu Ray...with fucking NO special features whatsoever. Guys, LOOK at that fucking cast! You've got nothing?!) and play Cards Against Humanity, something I've been looking forward to for about a month.

Now, I am finished.

BEANCROCK.

Prepare To Lose Interest

Before everything awful in the world happened, I was playing through Silent Hill 2 with Jen.
If it's all the same to you, I'm going to skip over the awful stuff and stick with the escapist-survival horror stuff.
Thanks.

A few weeks ago I picked up the Silent Hill HD Collection, which consists of Silent Hill 2 and 3 with HD graphics and cleaned up textures and the like. I did it so I could expose my friend Jen to all its amazing, genre-defining terrors. After slowly, painfully acclimating to the janky, awkward, tank-like controls of the main character, James, we stepped into the fog and things immediately went bad.

The feeling that everything is wrong kicks in pretty much instantly, thanks to the sound design of Akira Yamaoka, the demented genius behind every sound in every Silent Hill game to date except for the recent excretion, Silent Hill: Downpour.

Did I have fun messing with Jen's head?
I would be lying if I said no.

We met and then "fought" Pyramid Head (a moment still as disturbing, frightening and fruitless as it was the first time I encountered it), met that little bitch, Laura, that vomiting, fat fuck, Eddie and that cock hungry slutbag, Maria. Then we abandoned her in Brookhaven Hospital and screamed our asses off as more horrible shit happened. Pyramid Head showed up one last time to cut Maria in half, then we left the hospital, saved and said our goodbyes.

If she ever comes over again, we have the Silent Hill Historical Society, the prison and the hotel to look forward to.
Oh, also the underground labyrinth, did I forget to mention that?
Yeah, that's where Pyramid Head lives.
So I'm expecting that everything will go fine and nothing will try to cleave us.

In other escapist news, I've been watching a lot of shit lately.
After finishing all the funny shows on television, I returned to the 8th season of the X-Files, starring the T-1000 (nothing will ever allow me to see him as anything else) and Scully, as Mulder is still "abducted".
The quality, obviously, has definitely started to decline, although there's been one or two cool episodes thus far. I believe they are about to replace Scully with actress Annabeth Gish, a name I turn to for solace in times of duress. Not the actress, just the name.
At that point...well, I don't know why I'll be watching the show at that point.
Because...I'm a completionist?
Yeah, let's go with that.

I also completed the Silence of the Lambs "trilogy" by watching Hannibal.
I had totally forgotten that Ridley Scott directed that movie.
I had not totally forgotten that Julianne Moore replaced Jodie Foster though.
I had also not forgotten that, while Silence was one of the best thrillers ever made, its sequel was more of an over-the-top action movie which occurred for no real reason.
I was reminded of that whilst watching Hannibal.
At least Gary Oldman was awesome.
And, hey, man-eating pigs, right?
I'm glad they made Red Dragon so as not to leave fans with a sour taste in their mouths.

Next, National Treasure.
Why?
WHY?
Actually, I can answer that quite easily: I have accrued quite the stockpile of visual flotsam (not jetsam, just flotsam) and, while sitting alone, sick and despairing, I saw something that I thought would be a great way to lose two hours.
And it worked.
I can't say the movie had no impact on me whatsoever, because I took a few notes.
Mainly, the thing that struck me was how vanilla everything was. It was as if Disney had rewatched the Indiana Jones movies (the watchable ones) and said, "Whoa, this is...whoa! This is way too intense for people these days! Let's just turn this from a 9 to a 2."
In fact, I picture Cage's character and Tom Hanks' character from the Dan Brown movies sitting and drinking tea, but the tea is too hot so they let it sit there and cool, but then never drink it for fear that it's still too hot for them.
They also quietly murmur to themselves about parchment.
I felt no sympathy or interest or anything for Nicolas Cage at all. Too be fair though, I'm not sure a snuff film in which he were tortured and eaten by savages would get me to do anything other then stifle a yawn. Because THAT is what Cage sounds like! Ah ha! I think I just had a breakthrough! His ever-present drawl makes it sound like he's always yawning, which makes me tired, which makes me not give a shit if he lives or dies or gets tortured and eaten etc. etc. etc!
Well, that was pretty good.
Also, I liked Sean Bean better when he was trying to kill James Bond.
Please stop making National Treasure movies, they are blanding things up horribly.

Then, dumb bastard that I am, I finished the Resident Evil Quadrilogy with Resident Evil: Aftermath.
Ugh, you dumb, fucking bastard!
The first thing I will say is positive; cherish it, because it's the only positive thing I have to say about this potato.
For the first time since the original RE movie, they got someone with skills to do the music, namely, music lab, tomandandy. Whereas the "music" for the second and third movies was just wallpaper trying desperately to mimic the score and mood from the first, this one actually has some substance...unlike the movie itself.
Note to Paul W. S. M. T. S. M. W. T. P. M. S. M.* Anderson: if you have to Slo-Mo something to show how badass it is, it probably isn't that badass to begin with.
The opening is some of the most video game video game movie shit I have ever seen, which is really neither here nor there.
The first piece of business is to kill EVERY ONE OF THE CLONES we saw heading to spacedock the Umbrella HQ under Tokyo, only before Wesker, the big, big, baddy bad guy who is responsible for everything bad EVAR, wipes out said HQ and injects Milla Jovovich with something that takes away ALL her superpowers (super strength, super healing, super jumping, super telekinesis, super pyrokinesis, super hair, etc.). Then there is the biggest plane crash ever...which Milla walks away from...with a tiny limp...that is gone by the next scene.
Having survived yet another horrible thing, she is back on her task of finding "Arcadia", a place with no infection or zombies or anything. It's totally awesome. But, when she finally arrives at the coordinates given for Arcadia, there is nothing there but hundreds of abandoned planes and yeah. Okay, I'm going to ruin this for everyone: Arcadia is a huge aircraft carrier looking thing. It's a massive boat. But, in every one of the radio transmissions announcing its location and that there's no infection and all that, not once do they mention that people should be looking for a fucking boat.
What. Assholes.
So, Milla picks up Clair Redfield (who has amnesia now because...this is something that happens to people) and they fly over Los Angeles, because you have to. They see a building there with some "please help us" signs and so they land their bi-plane...on the top of an L.A. skyscraper.
Then they meet the survivors therein.
Okay, so, you know how in the second movie they had all the horror movie stereotypes? Well, this time around, since they find themselves in Los Angeles...they went with Hollywood stereotypes!!! There's the hot, good hearted chick who came to La La Land in order to make it big, the athlete gone movie star, the scummy agent and his personal assistant...Jesus...
Everything is totally safe where they are (a prison) when, for no apparent reason, the zombies, which, up to this point, have been nothing more than shambling (and, sometimes, speedwalking) corpses, start tunneling under and into said prison. Yes, tunneling. AND, if that weren't inexplicable enough, for, literally, no reason, there shows up a character from the Resident Evil 5 video game, the Axe Man. Now...they maybe could have had some Umbrella guy mention some secret weapon or new mutation or something...but they don't. There's just this guy, walking down an empty street, dragging a huge, fucking axe. Then, he shows up and starts banging on the gates of the prison with said huge, fucking axe. The survivors' reaction to this thing? "Shoot that motherfucker!" which, while not a bad reaction, does fuckall with regards to explaining what it is or where it came from.
WHY IS THERE A HUGE FUCKING GUY DRESSED AS AN EXECUTIONER WANDERING AROUND IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITH AN AXE TWICE AS BIG AS A PERSON?
I would like to think he was just a guy, living in L.A. when all this went down and he just took this opportunity to go totally fucking apeshit. Like, he's just sitting at home, alone in his shitty apartment with his huge, goddamn axe..and then BOOM, Umbrella fucks the world in half and he's like, "You know? Lemons to lemonade, let's break out Ol' Choppy and fuck some shit UP."
Zombie shit, human shit, don't matter. This guy is about the process.
Eventually, this huge fucking utterly mysterious monster thing finds its way (silently) into some room inside the prison and then Milla and Clair beat the shit out of it, finishing it off with a blast of coins fired from a shotgun, producing a deliciously tongue-in-cheek video game trope: the enemy dying then spilling out a bunch of coins.
After escaping the prison (oh, did I mention that Clair's brother and star of a handful of RE games, Chris, was randomly in the prison as well? Well, he was.), the survivors finally make it to the ship, Arcadia...only to find out it's a trap laid by Umbrella in order to catch humans so Wesker (who is totally alive but sharing his body with a hideous mutant variant of the T-virus) can eat their DNA!!!!
Again: so he can eat their DNA.
There is a super big fight and Wesker is totally blown up for sure never to be seen again EVAR...and then things are totally cool.....UNTIL WE SEE A BRAINWASHED JILL VALENTINE LEADING A HUGE SWARM OF HELICOPTERS FILLED WITH UMBRELLA TROOPS TO DESTROY MILLA AND THE REMAINING SURVIVORS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Resident Evil: Retribution hits theaters September 14th, 2012.

God, I'm not even done yet...

I also watched the Bourne trilogy.
Two things: First, Jason Bourne can never, will never replace James Bond and, if he ever does, it is truly time for me to leave this place, and, second, BUY A FUCKING TRIPOD.
What Abrams' fucking lens flares were to Star Trek, Doug Liman's and Paul Greengrass' Parkinson's Cam was to these movies.
FUCKING STOP IT YOU'RE HURTING THE BABY.

After this, Chris and I watched Total Recall. And the less said of that, the better.
I look forward to reading the Dick story the movie was based on and then seeing the new one when it comes out, although I am sad sad sad SAD that Jessica Biel will be in it.
Sad sad sad sad.

In honor of the top of this post, I then decided to watch the Silent Hill movie.
You know, aside from 75% of the dialogue, 60% of the principals' acting and 1000% of the extras' acting...this is a really great adaptation.
Really great.
After the first time I saw it with Phil, we broke the film down into three parts and graded each accordingly:
The beginning of the film up until the moment Rose wakes up in Silent Hill: B
That moment up until Rose and Cybil enter the Church: A-
That moment until the end credits: C-/D+
The major problems for me were the little girl's acting, the atrocious dialogue and every second the extras are on the screen and doing anything.
They took a pretty lazy route with the music and just used tracks from the various games; I'd really have enjoyed some new Yamaoka sickness, but, whatever.
But...the one amazing, faultless aspect of this movie was the sets.
They.
Are.
Perfect.
The detail that went into them is just astonishing and half the experience with any Silent Hill game are the environments, so I was able to forgive a lot with this movie.
Can't wait for the sequel, even though I am a bit trepidacious.
We'll see if my fears are justified...on October 26th.

Then, I treated myself to some good movies, namely the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead and then, the next evening, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

The simplicity of Night is perfect. Until the zombies burst in and overrun the house at the end, you only see about twenty the whole time! And that is all you need. The only downside to something this basic is that it's almost too basic, too...beginner, that it can't possibly be recaptured without feeling intentional and like going by the numbers.
And the casting is also pretty perfect. I hated that cockring Cooper from the first second he stomps on screen. The best thing about his character is that, while one could argue he is a very one-dimensional character, his flatness is completely justified: he's protecting his family, doing what he thinks is the only thing to keep them safe. And, the hilarious thing is, in the end, he was right. If he had gotten everybody into the basement (and managed to kill his own zombie daughter) everyone would have it made it out alive the next morning when every redneck in the Universe showed up to kill some dead ass...FUR AMURKAH!!!!
Seriously, every one of those hundreds of characters you see at the end of the movie could be named Cooter and/or Skeet.
Although I think this might be the perfect zombie film, I do have a handful of problems or, at least, questions.
First and foremost, why didn't they hit the attic the second they arrived? These days, that oversight would be inexcusable.
Can zombies use stairs? It's been debated...but can they pull on a string, lower a retractable ladder and then use them?
Fuck. No.
At least not any zombies that I know.
And I know four.
Next, what the hell was up with Tony Todd's kung fu/judo wrestling with the zombies after he's stranded at the gas pump? It was both hilarious and puzzling.
Also hilarious is the look on Barbara's face when the sweet, innocent redneck boy uses a shotgun to shoot the lock of the gasoline pump.** At that instant, every stereotypical thing she's ever heard about rednecks becomes painfully true.
What is less hilarious is just how quickly everything falls apart, (hopefully) reminding viewers that no matter how safe you think you are, there is always something that can go horribly, fatally wrong, and, usually it involves the living, not the dead.
Oh, and Patricia Tallman (Barbara) could be Julianne Moore's cousin.

Next up, Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead.
I'm going to be honest: I don't remember liking Romero's original Dawn. As I recall, it suffered greatly from a fatal case of the Contemporaries.
*shudder*
The 70's...
But, this remake (which the guys who made it don't actually call a remake) is fantastic.
People behave very believably and make a lot of the same decisions that I feel I'd make in a similar situation.
Although I would play a lot more video games and most likely cry and masturbate quite a bit as well.
No homo.
There was very little of me screaming at the screen for a character not to do this or to rather do that instead, and that, to me, is at the heart of what makes a good movie good.
In fact, I only have one problem with the entire movie...and that is the legless zombie that ambushes the group in the parking garage...by shimmying, hand over hand on a pipe before dropping onto its unsuspecting prey.
Are. You  Kidding.
Also, at one point, they are using a dog to shuttle supplies to some dude by lowering it into a MASSIVE (thousands of them) crowd of zombies and, while it's being lowered, someone says, with expert knowledge in their voice, "They're not interested in the dog."
One: you aren't a zombie, so don't assume you know what they do/don't want. By your flawed logic, zombies might love deviled eggs...I mean...we've never seen them turn them down...right?
Idiot.
Two: Why the hell wouldn't a zombie want a dog?
Zombies eat living things.
Here's a quick quiz in order to help you remember what a zombie will/won't eat:
Is the thing in question living?
Yes - the zombie wants to eat it***
No - You're set.
Other than that? Well, it was just delightful watching the world end for these poor fuckers.
Also, major kudos to Mekhi Phifer and Zack Snyder for not playing him like a thug/directing him to play a thug.
You made a good choice.
There have been murmurings of a Snyder sequel to Dawn coming out in 2013 entitled Army of the Dead.
If it happens, I will be there.
Now, as I near the end of this colossal media and sadness fueled ramble, I have one final remark regarding zombies and their father in contemporary films:
One thing we can all agree upon is that when George A. Romero dies...he must be immediately decapitated and burned...by Max Brooks.

And, finally, turning away from media and towards my own potentially horrible news and its synchronistic connection to my career: just after talking to my father about his carotid arteries; the left, which is completely occluded and the right, which is 50% occluded, I booked a very well-paying VO gig for...yeah...the Cardiovascular Institute at the Rhode Island Hospital.
Friday I record and Tuesday he has a PET scan.

Yeah...
Yeah.







*Why Stop Making These Shitty Movies When They Pay Me So Much?

** Which, obviously, caused a massive explosion, killing the rednecks and destroying their chance at getting out of there by car, in case you've never seen this/are retarded.

***And for the last fucking time, YES, zombies eat plants...if they grow fast enough to resemble people or animals. Now, does this mean a zombie won't eat a slow person or slow animal? Well, I suppose we'll just have to find out. FETCH ME A ZOMBOTOLOGIST!!!

Such Sickness...

Since Friday, I have been sick.
I have also been squatting in my own living room since the AC has gone in and Chris has gone away to the West.
I feel like the smartest, sickest homeless man ever.
I can hear virtually NOTHING out of my left ear due to weird sick pressure head issues and I can't seem to smell anything either.
I have a 2000 word recording session with TransPerfect Thursday morning at 10.
Fuck. Yes.
I also received an e-mail yesterday from my manager checking my availability for next week to go in for a rerecord for a session I did back in March.
Now, here's the deal, the folks from that session back in March, have yet to send my payment.
So.
Here's what I'm thinking...I won't set foot in that studio until A. we get that payment from fucking March and B. we get a written guarantee that we'll have the payment from this session within 2 weeks.
This company makes, literally, billions of dollars a year, they can fucking expedite this.
I don't think that's unreasonable at all and, if it is a little, I have never been a diva in my career and this is as good a place to start as any.

In other "news", since I've been delirious with sickness I have watched the 8th season of The Office (loving almost every second of it, and, although HE says he's never gotten it, I think Flans resembles Ed Helms XMAX), the 6th season of 30 Rock (I saw where my part would have been and, although it would have been awesome to put 30 Rock on my resume, I'm fine now that I did not get it; it was for the voice of Mayor MacBeth/Cheese from the credits of the episode where Liz finds her book from the year before and starts solving all her problems before they occur. I had to do a Patrick Stewart impression. And the addition of Kristen Schaal to the cast might have made one of the funniest things on television even funnier. She is perfect), Red Dragon (Ralph...Jesus...you're a nightmare. Also, I'd probably sleep with a serial killer if I later got to pet a tiger), Paul (the movie, not the me), that Rob Zombie animated film, the Haunted World of El Superbeasto (such a wonderful and pus-filled universe he has created, Sherri Moon Zombie-- which might be the coolest name ever-- does a great job as Suzi X...and Paul Giamatti is one of the most versatile voice actors I've ever heard) and the Doctor Who 8th Doctor TV movie (which was shitty trash ass and pure piss awful. Fear and burn this.).

I also played through Resident Evil 5 on Hard...which is less than Hard when you have a lot of super powerful weapons with infinite ammo, and I finally finished Max Payne 3, which was good looking and functional with a solid noir story, but nothing more.
I'm trading it in for something as soon as I have the time.
Not sure what though, as the new Silent Hill (SH: Downpour) got nothing but shit bags for reviews.

Aside from not really being able to hear out of my left side, I'm actually feeling better, so, tomorrow, Jen Rock and I are going to play through as much of Silent Hill 2 as we can without tumbling into the crimson maw of terror and darkness...so, like, forty minutes.  I might put the mattress away...if I have the energy and wherewithal.

The lack of my One and Only plus the effects of my sickness have made me part bachelor (in five days, I have used one bowl, one spoon, one plate and nothing more) and part wounded baby elephant (I've been eating a lot of peanuts and trumpeting).
In short: ay-ee-thang-SALL-fuk-dup.

Finally, after my day of Resident Evil 5, I had an awesome and intense zombie apocalypse dream that was actually a sequel to an earlier zombie apocalypse dream. It involved a secluded lodge house in the woods near a small town with an underground...something...that was causing all the zombie stuff. Aside from regular zombies, there were also huge Lovecraftian mutations running around as well. Utterly horrifying and extremely exhilarating. One part I remember very clearly was sneaking around inside the lodge house and slowly closing the blinds and locking the doors and windows so no zombies saw the people inside. It was during the day and very intense. Then, while making sure everything was shuttered, I saw a massive creature swimming in the river behind the house, something very much like Cthulhu, but more squid-like. If could just plug my brain into my PS3, I'd be the best survival horror game designer in the world.

And my fingers have just stopped working.

Jill, The Master of Unlocking

Thanks, in part, to Jen Rock, I've recently shambled back into the convoluted, absurd and ridiculously Japanese world of Resident Evil.
It all started a few weeks ago when her and I hung out and decided to play RE5 using local co-op (two people playing, at the same time, on the same screen). We finished the game in two sessions, the second of which lasted about twelve hours and ended just as the sun was coming up. It was the most fun I've had gaming in a while.
Since this massive play session, I had a hankering to play through RE5 again in order to unlock a staple in all Resident Evil games...the infinite ammo rocket launcher.
It's a rocket launcher...with infinite ammo...and it is glorious. To be honest, no, it doesn't really add to the tension or horror or feeling of vulnerability inherent in the game, it's more like a fun little thing you get as a reward for playing the living shit out of the game numerous times. And it's delightful; big, Cthuvian nightmare comes shambling and snarling and mewling up to you and then, click, boom, done.
Delicious.

Still on my Resident Evil Zombie Train*, I watched the first Resident Evil movie last night. Aside from some less than amazing CG and computer effects and a handful of trite lines of dialogue delivered badly, this movie still holds up remarkably well. It's a bit more stylized than your typical zombie flick, more sci-fi, but it does a great job of co-existing with the RE video game universe...at least until you start watching the second (of five) sequels and begin to yearn for a time machine. They do a great job with the antiseptic atmosphere of Umbrella's underground labs and Marilyn Manson's score work is astonishing; it fits perfectly and does exactly what it sets out to do. And there is never anything wrong with Milla Jovovich ever. Except in Ultraviolet.

Going back to RE5: it's the best looking game in the series, allowing you to clearly see the horrible creatures and then struggle to try and describe them. In one case, Jen and I were fighting a huge, man-shaped bunch of black squiggles, in another, a part prawn, part whale, part vagina monster. If a Silent Hill game could look this good, I don't think I'd ever be able to sleep again. That was always something I liked more about the SH series, you never really know what you're fighting. With RE it's always an experiment gone wrong and sometimes you even find documents describing how and what went wrong, but with SH, you might get a torn and blood-smeared page from some black tome bound in human flesh rambling on about some awful ritual...and, when you get down to it, horrible supernatural evil is always more frightening than corporate espionage.

So, despite being smart and attractive, I still plan to watch the second Resident Evil movie (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) this evening. I may actually stop myself before watching the third (Resident Evil: Extinction) and I will definitely stop myself before watching the fourth (Resident Evil: Afterlife).
But...will I see the fifth and (please, sweet baby Jesus) final Resident Evil movie, Resident Evil: Retribution, in theaters this September? No. I won't. In fact, I'm so not going to see it, that I'm not even going to make a joke about it. I will never see another Resident Evil movie in the theaters. I saw the first one and that was it. This is, again, not a joke.

I will however, be purchasing the new Resident Evil game (curiously titled Resident Evil 6) the day it comes out.
Because, ladies and gentlemen, zombies are back.
In the past two RE titles, RE4 and 5, the things you've been killing have NOT been zombies, but rather people infected with something called Las Plagas (literally, "the plague"**), an organism that, essentially, removes their humanity, but, in RE6, the good, old fashioned, reanimated-dead-you-have-to-shoot-them-in-the-head zombies are back.

And I look forward to obliterating them all with an infinite ammo rocket launcher with Jen Rock by my side.









*Which sort of sums up the plot of Resident Evil 0 for the Gamecube
**Slow, unimpressed applause

My Week On The Inside

I am allotted 20 paid vacation days a year. I've not, in recent memory, ever used all 20, but, this year, as it turns out, I had to take five days before July...and I did so from last Monday to last Friday. It would have been more wonderful without having five fucking auditions, but I suppose that's kind of like complaining about having orgasms.

The highlights included writing and recording some music for some things I'm working on (and some just because I had the time and inclination to do so), seeing Christina while the sun was still up, sitting quietly in a darkened room with a sumptuous breeze coming in through the window as I watched endless episodes of Parks and Recreation and playing Resident Evil 5 for nearly twelve hours with Jen Rock. Together, we killed SO many infected Africans...it was...horrifying.
I also got chainsawed in half once and only once.

Obviously, I could go for another week (or 70) of just...being, but I'm astounded to find that my first day back at work hasn't been the Screaming Nightmare I'd been expecting. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that, about a month ago, two of the most annoying in my work life were terminated in two days.
On top of that, cut backs mean there are less people in the office with me at any given time. Sometimes, in fact, I have, literally, hours alone to just...be. It's delicious.
Plus, my idiot supervisor (the one responsible for the top picture here) has been replaced by, get this...someone who graduated...from college! We have cogent conversations! Plus, she isn't conniving and snakelike, which is also a plus.
Long story short, returning to work wasn't assy because the job itself has become less assy.
That is a good thing.
And, folks, it's good...when things are good.

Looking forward to yet another Comcast session on Thursday and some huge amazing news coming up on the Speakaboos front soonish.

The weekend brings a housewarming party for the aforementioned Killer Red, J Rock and the weekend after brings about a Moustache Bash for Lisa's birthday.
I plan to have the best moustache...or die trying.
Or not.
But I'll be there, wherever it is.

I feel as if there is more to tell you...but I also feel like your attention has wandered.
Ah, well then, sojourn forth, oh Hyperborean Wanderer! Find thine serpents and banish them!
Or not.

I'm going to get some muthafuckin falafel.

The Starbucks Chase

Earlier today I had an audition.
On the way home, I devised a game for New Yorkers to play.

1. Start by going to a Chase bank and taking out twenty dollars
2.  Then go to the nearest Starbucks. Get yourself a coffee and walk out.
3. Keep walking in a straight line until you pass ether another Starbucks or another Chase.

• If it's a Starbucks, finish whatever coffee you have left and get another one.
•  If it's another Chase, take out another twenty dollars.

      4.  After leaving each location, change direction, then keep walking and repeat the process; you see another Chase, get another twenty, another Starbucks, another coffee.

The game is over when:

• You finish your coffee (without running into another Starbucks)
• You run out of money (or you reach a set dollar amount)
• You die (you never know)

Have a great weekend guys.

It's Been A While

Fuck you, Staind.
You've managed to ruin a phrase that people say all the time.
Also, your name is misspelled and you sound like a MORE awful Limp Bizkit.
But, hey, at least Fred Durst died from that exploded appendix...the one I sent him that was full of hand grenades and needles covered in hep-C.
So, Happy New Year after all, I suppose.

I have been in quite a busy state.
The Grind Show audio book project, which has sort of had no real deadline, suddenly has a very hard, very real, very fast-approaching deadline.
But, after a solid weekend of rerecording and editing, I am almost done.
I need to edit my rerecord of chapter 2 (the original chapter was not as action packed as it should have been) and then, barring some huge, computer-related cataclysm, the Grind Show audio book is finished.
Cannot WAIT for people to hear this...
More information coming soon.

Then there is my upcoming trip to Los Angeles.
I'll be attending They Might Be Giants' 30th anniversary concert, seeing a recording of Jay and Silent Bob Get Old (as will Will's lovely wife, Diana, who, thanks to Will, has NO IDEA what she is in for) and, hopefully hanging out with Grahme Skipper and Dan Delgado, he of the terrifying, knobbly word cock.
When I return, I will be a mere four days from my 31st birthday party...which will feature liquid...motherfucking...nitrogen.
There will also be other awesome science things to do.
I plan to wear a lab coat and quote Portal all evening.

When I find the time, I have been playing my copy of the Metal Gear Solid HD collection which has cleaned up, prettier versions of MGS 2, MGS 3 and MGS Peace Walker.
I've always loved these games, but was reminded of why after playing Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, the first, chronologically speaking, Metal Gear game.
The depth to these games is...incredible...
The entire series is based, not on running in guns blazing, but in staying hidden.
You can potentially, if you're amazing and Japanese, play every single game in the series without being seen by the enemy and by taking them out with non-lethal force.
It requires skill and patience, but it's possible, and you're rewarded for both.
And then there is the story...
I'm planning on playing the whole series in order just to get a clearer pictuire at the ridiculously convoluted, super-Japanese plotline.
I say "clearer picture" because that's really all you can get when it comes to Metal Gear.
That should carry me into 2013 nicely...

Aside from reliving my fondest tactical stealth action memories, Chris and I have been watching the sixth season of Dexter, which, despite the inclusion of such television and movie stars as Tom Hank's son and Commander Adama from BSG, was really awful.
Except for the last thirty seconds.
Again, if you want something cool, just watch the last thirty second of Dexter, season six.
With the events of that thirty seconds, season seven promises to be good.
HAS to be. 

Along with all this, I've recorded some VO for new friend/collaborator, Phil Maniaci, who was a co-producer "Bitter Sweet", the short film that was too scary for Steve Buscemi, rerecorded some Lenovo VO for TransPerfect and, tomorrow, I have my third session with Speakaboos, in which I will finish where I left off in my recording of the alphabet.
I was on "G".
Which stands for "green".
The color, not the fad.

Very exciting times.
Very exhausting, exciting times.

Skrutz

11.22.11
3:38 pm
 
That's about where I'm at right now.
Skrutz.
Why am I skrutz?
Good question.
Good.
 
On Friday, I was asked if I could come into work on Monday, not at 3pm, but at 4:30pm.
I happily said yes and then proceeded to stay up until 6am on Monday, playing the new Assassin's Creed.
I woke at 3pm, showered and went to work.
But (and here's where some of the skrutz comes in), I had a booking with Cablevision* at 10am this morning.
So, I went to beddy sleep at 1:30 this morning, hoping to, I don't know, trick myself into getting a good night's sleep, but no one can fool me.
Not even me.
Or can I?
No, I can't.
Everything was fine, I went out like a light at 1:45ish, only to wake up at 3:45 and then again at 6, 7:30 and, finally, at 9:45.
The booking was from 10am to 2pm and was a bit hurry-up-and-wait because of "crossed wires" and "group failings".
But, it was all good, as the folks from Kirshenbaum Bond Senecal & Partners all have wonderful, twisted senses of humor and we got along thunderously.
Then...at 12:30...Sound Lounge (the place I've been booking a lot of stuff lately) presented lunch...a fully catered Thanksgiving bonanza consisting of everything wonderful you could ever wish for.
Luckily, the client called in and gave notes and I did the last bit of VO before the food kicked it.
At this moment though, the food has officially kicked in.
I'm not one of "those people" who believe there is enough tryptophane in a few slices of turkey to actually affect a grown man like myself, but I do believe that a full tummy (especially when that tummy is full of yummy nummy foodsies) plus lack of proper sleep results in skrutz.
Hence: me, now.
Skrutz.
 
And yet...I carry on...
Somehow, some way.
LBC, funky ass shit, etc.
 
So, back to the me.
...have I mentioned that I finished editing my recording of The Grind Show?
I know Phil knows, but...hm...I may have forgotten to mention it elsewhere.
Well.
Done with that.
Taking a bit of a breather and then I'm going to take his notes and implement them.
Implement them xmax.
But Christ the Jesus does it feel good to be, more or less, done with this project.
Now, the ball is in audible.com's court.
Hopefully they'll pass it back covered in honey and thousand dollar bills.
That is how this whole thing works, right?
Balls covered in honey and thousand dollar bills?
Honeymoneyballs?
 
I've also been reading the new King, 11/22/63.
After the requisite "here's how time travel works in this book" chapters, things were pretty cool; the main character returns to Derry, Maine, about a year after the events of IT and runs into some familiar faces, but after that, things got real uninteresting, real fast and have stayed that way for a while.
And King has actually brought out an argument that is tantamount to the old chestnut "would you kill Hitler as a baby?" and he's (the main character) acting all mixed up about it.
Dude.
Yes.
You kill Hitler.
You always kill Hitler.
As an adult, as a baby, as a sperm in his father's nut sack.
You always. Kill. Hitler.**
Anyway, hopefully things will pick up again.
 
I've been intersticing the King with some DC comics (which is redundant, but so is the "Rio Grande River" so fuck right off), namely Suicide Squad (pretty good, depending on the writer/time period. Here's a hint: avoid the 80's.), Checkmate (slow), Salvation Run (excellent) and, just recently, Batman Confidential, which has been rock solid for the first dozen or so issues.
The second story arc is a reinvention of the Joker's origin by a guy called Michael Green and it's stunning.
Gives Batman a lot more of the responsibility for what happened... 
The art is a bit odd, looks a touch like Aeon Flux at times, but with a lot more lines.
 
Going back to whatever it was I was talking about before; last week, Comcast called me back for yet another rerecord AND have booked me Monday for yet another rerecord.
I must say, being the "voice" of a certain spot for several months running is a lot better than auditioning and not getting gigs.
A lot.
It's like, "Yeah, we remember you were good that one time, so let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the monkey?"
And you're like, "Just pay me every time I walk through the door."
And they're like, "Have some Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday."
And you're like, "Yes. I will."
This is what I was talking about when I said I enjoy being a boy in love with you.
In love with you, girl.
Oh yeah.
 
Fucking shit I'm tired.
Does Starbucks do Frappucino enemas?
Can I get extra caramel?
And a lot...of whipped cream.
 
Oh, and go check out that short film that Ray and me and Pete and Jess Howell and Phil (different Phil) did.
I'm scary as shit in it and I did the sound design.
Not the piano, the cool background ambience.
Here's a link!!!
"Bitter Sweet"!!!!!!!!
And, the entry before this is a behind the scenes look...in writing!!!
BLEEDING EDGE TECH!!!
 
Then:
MONEY FOR DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!
BANGOLIN!!!!!!!!
A DOZEN OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL!!!!!!!!!
WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GALVANIZED TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MONEY FOR DOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*Cablevision = enjoying my Kool-Aid
 
** Would someone please t-shirt that for me? Something pink and flashy? XXL, if you could.

Dulcet Butter

11.2.11
3:48 pm
 
Finished editing chapter 29 of Grind Show last night.
Over three quarters of the way through.
I realized something while sliding my voice around...I have a great voice.
Like...really great.
And I need to do more with it.
So I hatched an idea.
We'll see where it goes.
 
Without thinking, I purchased Uncharted 3 yesterday.
And I mean "without thinking".
Total auto-pilot.
But, I promise you, I am not even putting the game in until I finish these last eleven chapters.
Ten, really as chapters 40 and 41 combined are shorter than a regular chapter.
And, as I'm also catching up with myself in regards to the fourth season of Sons of Anarchy, I have nothing on my plate except for The Grind Show.
Which is good news for Philip.
And, I can imagine what you're thinking, "You said you were going to finish editing before you put Batman: Arkham City in".
No.
Wrong.
I said I would promise to try.
But, Uncharted 3 is different.
This game is kind of a play it once or twice then either enjoy the multiplayer or be done with it sort of game.
Arkham City, I will play again.
And again probably.
Wearing Batman's Sinestro Corp skin.
Or his Year One skin.
Or his Earth One skin.
Or his Batman Beyond skin.
Or his 1970's skin.
You get the idea.
But not Uncharted 3.
This is going to be the blockbuster game event of 2011, but it isn't going to be better than Arkham City.
And you can put that in the bank.
The Video Game Bank.
And then, of course, in two weeks, there's the third game in the current Assassin's Creed series, Assassin's Creed: Revelations.
This too, will I purchase and enjoy, but, just like Uncharted 3, it will not be as good as Arkham City.
In the end, it's about the characters.
Yes, Nathan Drake (hero of the Uncharted series...you can tell by his name) is fun and exciting, a young Indiana Jones-type fellow and Ezio Auditore di Firenze (hero of Assassin's Creed II, Brotherhood and Revelations...Italian gentleman, in case you couldn't tell by his name) is mysterious and a badass assassin, but...Batman is fucking Batman.
None of these characters will ever be as cool as Batman, and I will never be as excited to play as them when these two (and hopefully three) Batman games exist.
So...Grind Show comes first.
 
I found out at the Halloween party that Kaitlyn is now taking a crack at copy editing Throne.
I think that's a good idea, as I may have put a few extra commas in...but they seemed correct at the time...
Hm.
I suppose we'll find out.
 
I plan to start the second Hunger Games book today, because, you know, Hunger Games.
 
Nothing else really happening.
Yesterday's entry was terribly cathartic.
My life is like some sort of horrible boil...it fills with hatepus and needs lancing from time to time.
THIS is that disinfected needle.
And I am happier for it.
As you should be as well.
Because my hate could level mountains and sink continents.
Or something.

Eat A Dick, United States Postal Service

11.1.11
3:54 pm
 
I was just on the line with the U.S. Postal Service's awful phone robot and it asked me:
"Are you in the business?"
Then a saucy pause.
Then: "The 'getting it there safe and sound' business?"
If I had had an employee of the USPS in front of me at that exact second, I would have screamed and laughed and torn their face from their skull, all at the same time.
And then there would have been diffused, polite applause from everywhere and nowhere.
And I would have smiled.
Stuffed their newly removed face into my mouth and smiled.
Chewed, swallowed, grinned, danced then smiled some more.
If I were running the Post Office, I'd go waaay out of my way to make sure the things that are already annoying in regular life (i.e. fucking awful phone robots) were much less annoying in relation to the PO.
I'd hire Morgan Freeman to read haikus about puppies.
Phone robots already make one want to tear peoples' faces off, but the Post Office...?
No one ever goes to the Post Office unless they fucking have to.
No one ever just calls the Post Office to say, "Hey, you guys are doing a great job. Keep up the good work and enjoy your still-attached faces."
No.
They go there because they didn't received something at their home.
They call because something went wrong, perhaps something costly.
And when you are calling the Post Office or the DMV or your insurance provider or any other organization that has a horrible-yet-completely-justified-and-proven-time-and-time-again stigma against it, the LAST thing you want to hear (aside from some disinterested freak with a wet sock in its mouth on the other end of the call) is something like the above awful phone robot statement.
WHY ARE THEY MAKING THINGS WORSE FOR THEMSELVES?
Even if you are coolheaded at the start of the call (and I will argue that years being on the other end of asshole phone calls has made me very sympathetic to these ball gargling fucks), by the time you've listened to the awful fucking phone robot go through its spiel six times, you're ready to...oh, I don't know...remove someone's face and eat it.
So why are they poking their proverbial stick into our proverbial wound?
Do they want people to scream at their idiot employees and tear their faces off?
Maybe this is all some trolling scheme to get great "Difficult Customer" training tapes for future employees?
Whatever the case.
Eat a dick, United States Postal Service.
Eat a massive, rancid dick.
 
In unrelated news, I've started editing The Grind Show again.
Halfway through chapter 29...which is huge, the longest remaining chapter, in fact.
After that, it's all a soft, sexy slope made of buttered leather.
Why have I suddenly returned to editing?
Well, because I have completed Batman: Arkham City, and I enjoyed every second of it.
There are approximately two things they didn't do as well as the first game, but they are minor enough as to not even count in the end.
And the end...oh the end...
I believe this might be the best ending to a video game I've ever encountered.
At least since Red Dead Redemption, but, fuck that, this is Batman.
I'll be replaying it soon, but it isn't going to consume my life as it did when it was fresh, so, don't worry, Phil
TGS will be fully edited well before the end of November.
Let us give thanks...to me.
While I'm not charging Phil anything for the recording and editing of Grind Show, he wrote me a little something that pretty much made everything worth it.
 
Over the weekend...the shitty let's-have-a-blizzard-just-to-fuck-with-Paul weekend...Chris and I had our Halloween party.
It was a sad state of affairs for an hour or so, but then people showed up and then more people showed up and it then began to kick ass.
Should have the '11 Freak Fuck video up soon so you can all either reminisce or feel left out.
Whatever.
 
I think that's all I'm willing to tell you at the moment.
Don't press me.
DON'T.
PRESS.
ME.
 
Don't.

Subway? No Way!!

10.25.11
5:09 pm
 
Actually, until I start making more disposable income, I kind of have to take the Subway.
But, at least I can whine about it!!!
For instance:
You know how MTA just spent/is still continuously spending thousands of months and trillions of dollars in order to, somewhat, catch up with the trains in Washington D.C. five years ago?
You know, by utilizing bleeding edge tech to put up some shitty LED displays informing commuters when the next train is arriving?
God damn do they love to jerk themselves off about those fucking things...and then play around in the ejaculate like hungry porn stars...
Anyway, I was watching one of those earlier today (a shitty LED display, not a hungry porn star...), and saw the next train clock jump from three minutes to one minute.
"Okay," I thought, "that's not too crazy, what's sixty seconds among friends?"
But then...the train after that jumped from thirteen minutes...to eight minutes.
My first thought was: wormhole.
Obviously.
Then I figured that there must be a supercollider somewhere under the city of Manhattan (supercolliders do stuff to time, right?)
And then I realized that, despite millions of months and quintillions of dollars (over a hundred per month coming directly from yours truly), those fancy, astonishing-in-1992 train clocks...don't work correctly.
But, please, don't let MTA know.
I could easily see them suspending service on every train line going to and from Manhattan just to make these things work a little less badly.
Maybe only be off by four minutes...
**cue "Great, Big , Beautiful Tomorrow"**
Like I say (out loud) in response to those self-satisfied placards plastered all over the interiors of every fucking train: no, I don't care about when the next train is arriving, just that it is, in fact, arriving, and will continue to do so for more than a week at a time, you cockmeisters.
Oh, and, MTA, if you even think about shutting down stations in order to put in carpeting (AKA Wino Vomit Sponges/Disco Crackhead Yoga Mats), I swear I'm going terrorist and killing the world.
And it will be your fault.
There.
At least now, when I get arrested or flagged or something because of that statement, they'll know why.
And I'll totally get a fair trial, because my peers (of which my jury will consist)...are rad.
 
In other news, I finished reading Chuck P.'s latest, Tell-All.
I might be done with this guy.
After Haunted, everything has been down hill.
His characters' gimmicks and quirks are getting in the way of the story and everything feels smaller than it used to, less significant.
Rant was also pretty good, but Snuff felt like a slice of a bigger work that, I suppose, Palahniuk was too lazy to write, and Pygmy was just dull.
Nothing has been as cluttered with literary falderal or as effortful to drag my way through than Tell-All though.
Man, was that not enjoyable...
Anyway, the new King comes out next week.
The one about traveling back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination.
Yeah.
That wasn't a joke.
So I guess I'm going to have to read that...
I also have the latest Dresden book on stand by.
I want to read it, lord oh lord do I...but I know I'm going to burn through it in three days, so I'm saving it for...something...
Might dip back into the Hunger Games series as the first one was pretty great.
 
And then there's Batman: Arkham City.
Mother fuck what a huge, amazing, mindblowing game.
I've completely the main story and I'm only 60% through the whole thing.
Yeah.
Tasty.
 
This weekend is our Halloween party, although I fear it is going to pale in comparison to years when Phil, Grace, Jeannie, Rich, Kathy and/or Molly were in attendance.
But, no worries, we have a contingency in case things get too slow.
Poison.
 
See you Saturday!!!!!!
No trains to Queens!!!!!!
 

7:29 pm

I've just had my very first Take 5 bar.

Quite enjoyable.