So. Much. Auditions. Part II

The week thus far:
ZEGNA, Rainbow Rewards, USAA Mobile App, Optimum
Sex mouth...with an Italian swoosh, huge super hero announcer voice, "that techy friend that we all have...but totally conversational", same as before but with less character.

Cutting right to the bullshit: while in the booth with the other guy in the spot, the client (guy representing Rainbow Rewards), who had shown up 20 minutes late to his OWN audition therefore delaying the room full of actors about 45 minutes, says, out loud with the studio mic open, "Uh, his read was too slow", in a dismissive tone that said, "Yeah, we're not going to cast him."
Dude.
DUDE.
A. I'm right here and completely heard you say that and B. have me read the 30 second spot again, you wang, don't toss my shit out because I didn't read it fast enough.
Fucking. Unprofessional. Xmax.

Then, this morning's USAA audition, which was that worst kind of pap, had me talking about a mobile app for USAA (no idea what that us) in detail...but as if I were just having a conversation.
Yeah, no prob.
Hi, Bus Friend, I know I'm just this guy sitting next to you on a bus, but I see you have a mobile device and I'm pretty sure you'd like...no...LOVE to hear about an app that allows you to make business investments! You can download it and store it right next to Angry Birds!!!
So.
Nailed that one.

Then off to do the same audition I did last week, but in a different place and with less character.

Those last two took place today, the first alllll the way over on 11th and 25th in one of those studios that was totally someone's apartment.
I walked in and some guy told me to take a seat and to give him a holler when I was ready. I did so, and was taking a look at this totally natural script when he proceeded to make a super condescending phone call before hanging up and then screaming, "Jesus fucking Christ! Get your fucking head out of your ASS!"
I was going to say something like, "Sorry..." in a really small voice to try and defuse the situation, but this guy was maybe a little too intense for, you know, humor.
Think John Malkovich when he plays really angry.
That audition...did not go well...

Then, as I had an unexpected gulf of time between my second audition (Optimum- **fart noise**) and my Five Star Employee luncheon with the executive VP and director of development here at the Hospital*, I stopped by Midtown Comics to catch up on Walking Dead (WOO!) and The Boys (please be done soon). You know, I only go there a few times a year, but every time I do, I feel so at home. In the ten minutes or so I spent wandering around, I heard three different nerdy conversations that I could have totally weighed in on, and, while I was in line, I saw an MC employee cultivating a huge stack of basics to get this young kid further into comics. He knew and liked Hellboy and some other lighthearted demon thing, but had yet to see Avengers.
I don't know, the whole thing just warmed my heart and excited me: the stuff this kid has to look forward to...
I may have just witnessed the birth of a geek.
I also bought a Deadpool t-shirt that I'd been eyeing for a while on Think Geek.

Then, to my luncheon, which was just as awkward as you might imagine, although I did my best to stand out from the usual folks here as intelligent, well spoken, witty and devastatingly handsome.
Mission: accomplished.
Where are my pants?
**GRIN**

And now?
Well, I'm struggling to stay awake of course, what else?
Just received an e-mail that Comcast want me back in a few weeks from now, so that's shiny...
Hopefully one of these other auditions will pay off...but not the scary one...I did not like that, no sir.

All right.
I'm through.






*You never believe me when I say I'm good at my job when I do it...Will.

Skrutz

11.22.11
3:38 pm
 
That's about where I'm at right now.
Skrutz.
Why am I skrutz?
Good question.
Good.
 
On Friday, I was asked if I could come into work on Monday, not at 3pm, but at 4:30pm.
I happily said yes and then proceeded to stay up until 6am on Monday, playing the new Assassin's Creed.
I woke at 3pm, showered and went to work.
But (and here's where some of the skrutz comes in), I had a booking with Cablevision* at 10am this morning.
So, I went to beddy sleep at 1:30 this morning, hoping to, I don't know, trick myself into getting a good night's sleep, but no one can fool me.
Not even me.
Or can I?
No, I can't.
Everything was fine, I went out like a light at 1:45ish, only to wake up at 3:45 and then again at 6, 7:30 and, finally, at 9:45.
The booking was from 10am to 2pm and was a bit hurry-up-and-wait because of "crossed wires" and "group failings".
But, it was all good, as the folks from Kirshenbaum Bond Senecal & Partners all have wonderful, twisted senses of humor and we got along thunderously.
Then...at 12:30...Sound Lounge (the place I've been booking a lot of stuff lately) presented lunch...a fully catered Thanksgiving bonanza consisting of everything wonderful you could ever wish for.
Luckily, the client called in and gave notes and I did the last bit of VO before the food kicked it.
At this moment though, the food has officially kicked in.
I'm not one of "those people" who believe there is enough tryptophane in a few slices of turkey to actually affect a grown man like myself, but I do believe that a full tummy (especially when that tummy is full of yummy nummy foodsies) plus lack of proper sleep results in skrutz.
Hence: me, now.
Skrutz.
 
And yet...I carry on...
Somehow, some way.
LBC, funky ass shit, etc.
 
So, back to the me.
...have I mentioned that I finished editing my recording of The Grind Show?
I know Phil knows, but...hm...I may have forgotten to mention it elsewhere.
Well.
Done with that.
Taking a bit of a breather and then I'm going to take his notes and implement them.
Implement them xmax.
But Christ the Jesus does it feel good to be, more or less, done with this project.
Now, the ball is in audible.com's court.
Hopefully they'll pass it back covered in honey and thousand dollar bills.
That is how this whole thing works, right?
Balls covered in honey and thousand dollar bills?
Honeymoneyballs?
 
I've also been reading the new King, 11/22/63.
After the requisite "here's how time travel works in this book" chapters, things were pretty cool; the main character returns to Derry, Maine, about a year after the events of IT and runs into some familiar faces, but after that, things got real uninteresting, real fast and have stayed that way for a while.
And King has actually brought out an argument that is tantamount to the old chestnut "would you kill Hitler as a baby?" and he's (the main character) acting all mixed up about it.
Dude.
Yes.
You kill Hitler.
You always kill Hitler.
As an adult, as a baby, as a sperm in his father's nut sack.
You always. Kill. Hitler.**
Anyway, hopefully things will pick up again.
 
I've been intersticing the King with some DC comics (which is redundant, but so is the "Rio Grande River" so fuck right off), namely Suicide Squad (pretty good, depending on the writer/time period. Here's a hint: avoid the 80's.), Checkmate (slow), Salvation Run (excellent) and, just recently, Batman Confidential, which has been rock solid for the first dozen or so issues.
The second story arc is a reinvention of the Joker's origin by a guy called Michael Green and it's stunning.
Gives Batman a lot more of the responsibility for what happened... 
The art is a bit odd, looks a touch like Aeon Flux at times, but with a lot more lines.
 
Going back to whatever it was I was talking about before; last week, Comcast called me back for yet another rerecord AND have booked me Monday for yet another rerecord.
I must say, being the "voice" of a certain spot for several months running is a lot better than auditioning and not getting gigs.
A lot.
It's like, "Yeah, we remember you were good that one time, so let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the monkey?"
And you're like, "Just pay me every time I walk through the door."
And they're like, "Have some Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday."
And you're like, "Yes. I will."
This is what I was talking about when I said I enjoy being a boy in love with you.
In love with you, girl.
Oh yeah.
 
Fucking shit I'm tired.
Does Starbucks do Frappucino enemas?
Can I get extra caramel?
And a lot...of whipped cream.
 
Oh, and go check out that short film that Ray and me and Pete and Jess Howell and Phil (different Phil) did.
I'm scary as shit in it and I did the sound design.
Not the piano, the cool background ambience.
Here's a link!!!
"Bitter Sweet"!!!!!!!!
And, the entry before this is a behind the scenes look...in writing!!!
BLEEDING EDGE TECH!!!
 
Then:
MONEY FOR DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!
BANGOLIN!!!!!!!!
A DOZEN OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL!!!!!!!!!
WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GALVANIZED TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MONEY FOR DOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*Cablevision = enjoying my Kool-Aid
 
** Would someone please t-shirt that for me? Something pink and flashy? XXL, if you could.

Cat People!

11.9.10

3:52 pm

Actually, after speaking to James Cameron, he informed that "Cat People!" was going to be the name of "Avatar", but David Bowie threatened to sue him, so he tried for "Putting Out The Fire With Allegory", but Bowie got real mad, so he went with "Avatar".

True story.

Unlike "Avatar", which is what one might call an allegory.

A thinly-veiled, beautiful, obvious allegory.

Which totally patches things up between the White Man and everybody the White Man has EVER fucked over.

Thanks, James.

Watched said thinly-veiled, beautiful etc. this weekend with Christina.

Also watched "The Neverending Story".

Wow is that still a creepy ass movie.

Falcor = screaming nightmare.

Atreyu = tasty boy meat.

Bastian = wet pants pussy boy

And so on.

ALSO (as Chris was in the mood to simply relax this week after the hurricane of the past few months) we watched "Moon", which I had already seen in theaters with Ray.

Excellent, excellent movie.

Highly recommend it.

Again.

AANNDD, we also took in "Slither". Which was fun as hell, (Nathan Fillion...Fillian...Mal from Firefly is amazing) but not as disgusting as it was made out to be.

Very Neo-Troma, but with a bigger budget and less boobies.

And the DVD extras were hilarious, they seemed to be having so much fun on this movie.

Then, after Chris has passed out on the couch from Media Overexposure, I finally sat down with my copy of the The Social Network score on Blu Ray in 5.1.

There was quite a battle leading up to this, but I'll nutshell it.

The BD arrived about two weeks late and then wouldn't work in my 5.1, switching off the center and rear speakers as soon as I pressed play.

So, I went to the Internet and started a thread in the nin.com forums about this.

Eventually, there were several other folks who had ended up having the same problem.

After a few days, electro-Jesus came through and told people (with a PS3) to change an option that no one had thought of and, BAM, problem solved.

It was worth the wait.

There wasn't anything new added to the 5.1 mix, but you could hear elements that had before been buried in the stereo mix much more clearly.

Plus, since it was Reznor doing the mixing and he loves this format, there was a lot of dynamism added.

Just another reason I'm out of my skin with excitement with the (eventual) release of The Fragile deluxe edition.

That shit in 5.1?

Cancel my Monday, friends...cancel my Monday. 

At work, I'd been splitting my time between re-reading Ennis' Punisher Max* run (makes me terribly sad to see how perfectly this guy can do Punisher while Hollywood manages to fuck it up three times in as many decades. If they would just make his ten story arcs into ten HBO mini-movies or something, not only would Ennis get some mad props for his work, but the Punisher could finally get his day on screen.) and all of the Deadpool comics (which is getting a bit old. He's less blood-thirsty than everyone makes him out to be, but occasionally well written and genuinely funny...sometimes. I'd love to see a Max book for him.), but thanks to one Philip "PHD" Tucker, I now have Glen Cook's Chronicles of the Black Company to burn through.

About 700 pages.

A bit thick and disjointed after reading comics for a month, but excellent nonetheless.

Very fun characters.

Makes me want to role play in the world.

AND, if I absolutely love this book (which collects the first three books in the series) there's a bunch more I can dine upon.

I hope this book continues to hold my attention as today I am tested with the release of the new Stephen King, Full Dark, No Stars (the cover of which isn't nearly as cool as the title), which is his first collection of novellas since...whoa, since Different Seasons? Can that be right? Damn.

Very excited about that as I find his novellas tend to be the perfect length for him. Not enough pages to get too rambly (or too big-big, iffin ya will, do ya kin ya, bink bink) and not so short as to leave the reader feeling unsatisfied; characters and stories have a chance to develop and flourish without going off the rails.

Might also pick up the new Butcher and the most recent Palahniuk, although my interest has cooled a bit on that one.

Might even pick up The World According To Garp, as I saw the movie a few weeks ago and I could see the Irving-ness shining through the desperate attempt at making a John Irving novel into a movie.

Very weird thing about that movie...the trailer has baby dick in it.

Were trailers back then just...I don't know...allowed to show baby dick?

That's really creepy.

No wonder everyone did cocaine then.

But, yeah, like the movie version of Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, you could tell the script was based on something really good.

Three days until I take flight from this festering pit of retarded mole rats.

'Nuff said.

7:40 pm

Fucking hell.

Over my break, I spent forty minutes at Best Buy.

About nine minutes finding Scott Pilgrim and about thirty one NOT finding the goddamn dual mini headphone jack adapter or splitter for everyone who isn't a dick.

Best Buy is a sweaty asshole fuckbox.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to your face and might even be an employee of Best Buy.

After leaving there, dejected, I went one minute out of my way to the completely-empty-but-for-one-man Radio Shack down the street and was handed EXACTLY what I was looking for two minutes after I entered.

Another minute later and I was gone.

See, I understand Radio Shack employees have to work harder because they are SO much smaller and in danger of going out of business, but does that really excuse Best Buy employees from being lazy, ineffective, unaffected anal beads?

All signs point to yes, Consumer America!

And, yes, I am indeed aware that I am part of the problem, but, as I already stated, I am an American and allowed to be in support and opposition of several things at once, sometimes the exact same thing.

U! S! A!

U! S! A!

U! S! A!

Also picked up the new King, which has goddamn spoilers in the book jacket!

Wangs.

Oh, and Four Past Midnight was the most recent King novella collection.

But whatever.

According to the spoiltastic book jacket and the first line of the Afterword (and the title now that I take a step back), this is some of the darkest King in a while.

Darker than Bachman?

I'll let you know.

After I finish Black Company.

Toodles!!!

* A Marvel "Max"book simply means it's utterly R rated, which you need for a guy who's origin is that his family was killed in front of him and who's "power" is killing the fuck out of thousands of bad guys for the past thirty years or so.

The Walking CENSORED!!!

5.12.10

3:10 pm

I've been reading The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman.

It's the story of a guy named Rick and his adventures through the Zombie Apocalypse.

He's the main character and he drifts around, sometimes with a group, sometimes with just one person or whatever.

I'm in the middle of the 10th trade paperback so it's been going for quite a while.

Now, it's pretty rough.

It isn't Marvel or D.C. so they can use all the language, show all the bobbies and/or zombie slaughtering they want.

And they want, oh yes, they want.

The story isn't about, "Oh no! Zombies!!! GGGRRRAAAHHH!!!!"

Zombies are the norm; Walking Dead is about what happens to humanity when humanity dies...and comes back and starts eating you.

I was complaining to myself recently (it isn't just you that has to listen to me) that nothing really happens.

I mean, things happen; no one is really safe and they demonstrate that by having characters who have been around for months just up and die, either at the hands of the undead or some really bad humans, but there is a lot of (PUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!) dead space in the books.

Just people looking...done.

But, the end of the 9th book, something really interesting is set up (although it's so tenuous that I can't imagine anything will come of it, or if it does it will be a total cock tease) so I'm back in.

And, in the 10th book, the main character did something that actually made my jaw drop.

Then I got to thinking about the television series they're making out of The Walking Dead.

It's going to be written and directed by Frank Darabont (The Shawmuthafuckinshank Redemption) and something other guy.

But.

It's going to be on A&E.

Have any of you seen The Sopranos edited for A&E?

I have.

It isn't The Sopranos.

It's wet noodle soup.

Now, that might be unfair as The Sopranos was made for HBO, where every original series, whether about men in prison, Jersey Mafiosos or wires, is REQUIRED BY CONTRACT to have at least five sex scenes per season and ten obscenities per episode*.

So, yeah, that might not have been the best thing to sling over to A&E.

But this show is being made for A&E.

So they're not going to have curious silences when people get really made or curious, messy fade outs when people start kissing.

They're going to have people saying "What the hell?!" and "Damn it!" and "Screw you!"

And that's normal!

When you first see the shambling, rotted remains of a human EATING another human you're going to say "what the hell?!"

When you find out that the police station you were about to raid for guns, ammo and supplies has been taken over by the aforementioned manky dreadfuls, you're going to say "damn it!"

And when someone else in our party tells you that you have to shoot your son in the head because they've been bitten and will soon turn into a ravenous walking corpse, you're going to tell that person "screw you!"

If you are on A&E.

If you want to see some pretty human and accurate reactions to these situations and more...check out The Walking Dead some time.

People don't say "damn", "hell" or "screw".

Because you don't say these things in the Zombie Apocalypse.

You say other things.

And this...is going to fetter the aforementioned television series somewhat.

Frank Darabont and other guy or not, you are going to lose a LOT of the impact of this slow moving but satisfying series but putting it on A&E.

And that is why The Walking Dead television series is going to fail.

Hey A&E....prove me wrong!!!

Also, have John Hamm show up every once in a while.

Wait...that AMC.

Hm.

Well, make it happen, you're TV. 

I want to see Don Draper tear a zombie apart with his bare hands.

And eat it.

Yeah.

7:00 pm

Also, I want someone to present me with a Hip Hop or Rap album that does not ask/tell/order women to do any of the following: dance, wiggle, bounce, fuck.

Do it and I'll give you a dollar.

**************************************************
P.S. It's coming to AMC.
So.
Fuck off.

*And when I say "obscenities", I don't mean Azathoth, I mean people saying "fuck".

Hotzis

4.20.10

3:36 pm

SMMMMMMMMMMMOKE-A-BOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Anyway.

I watched "The Reader" last night.

Kate Winslet played a hot Nazi.

Or Hotzi, as it were.

She joins the ranks of the blonde chick from Last Crusade and Sherri Moon.

Her nipples are BIG.

Oscar Nipples, they call them in the industry.

Yep.

For real.

Not a bad movie, gets better about half way through, when the plot starts happening.

Ralph Fiennes did a great job, but it was weird to see him with a nose.

I've been watching too much Harry Potter.

Whenever there was a tense moment (and there are a few in this movie) I was waiting for Ralph to use the Killing Spell on someone.

That idea is just stupid enough for an SNL skit.

Maybe throw in some farting.

Hyuk hyuk hyuk...

Here's a question: who designed the uniforms for the Nazis?

I know comics and that lot have all talked about this and it IS very funny, but, seriously, who did?

They're awesome.

The uniforms, not the Nazis.

I've also been reading a bunch of "Versus" comics.

You know, crossover stuff.

Marvel Vs. D.C., Apocalypse Vs. Dracula, Batman Vs. Spiderman, Batman Vs. Judge Dredd, everyone Vs. Alien and Predators.

Seems like Aliens and Predators are just pissing EVERYBODY off.

I've read the first Batman Vs. Predator and the first Superman Vs. Aliens.

Hint: Batman and Superman don't lose.

I'm now reading Superman Vs. Terminator.

They mix it up a bit so it isn't just Superman punching robots.

I've noticed that the good "Vs." books don't include a lengthy intro to both parties before the plot starts.

And a lot of these do.

Eventually, I'm going to read, ready for this?, Batman and Superman Vs. Aliens and Predators.

Honestly? My money's on Batman and Superman.

I'll keep you posted.

Or maybe not. 

The First Half of 'The Wrestler'

4.6..10

3:29 pm

Had an audition earlier today, went pretty well, but THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

When I got home I put on "The Wrestler".

I've watched about half of it.

Here are my predictions for the last half:

1. There will be awkward sex between Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei

2.  Evan Rachel Wood AKA Li'l Miss Emotional Amplifier will have a wary reconciliation with her father.

3. Mickey Rourke will die in his comeback wrestling match.

4. There will be more sad music.

Seriously though, going back to ERW, she's on screen for less than a minute before dragging all the estranged and angry daughter tropes screaming from the vaults.

She goes from zero to sullen to ACTING in thirty seconds, time it.

It's very...emotional.

She even makes the "what do you want from me?!" hand-to-body gesture while demanding, "What do you want from me?!"

Someone get this girl an Oscar...made of pacing.

Anyway.

Over the weekend and at work yesterday I put some work in on my next "song".

It's about this dude at work I loathe.

My friends, it is BILIOUS.

I don't think I've been happier with something I've done in some time, song-wise, at least.

When it's closer to fruition, I'll give you some more background.

Oh, I'm just about done with the final Hitchhiker's Guide book.

Man, is it dragging.

I keep hoping for the characters themselves to explode this time.

Finished the first season of Burn Notice and, since I'm going into the second, I suppose I liked it.

And I've noticed something about Ennis' The Boys comic.

Nothing is happening.

Or if they are, they're happening sooooo slowly, they might as well not be happening at all.

There are some interesting set ups, but I can see them dragging these set ups along like loaded guns that are just going to make a PAFF noise when they're finally fired.

Seriously, it's impressive for a book to be so unsubtle while at the same time having nothing occurring with the story.

I get it: all superheroes are degenerate scum and The Boys are the bad good guys/good bad guys, lesser of two evils etc. but, 30 plus issues in and nothing seems to be happening.

I have just cracked the sixth trade (issues 30 through 38, I believe), here's hoping something interesting happens.

Happen, happen, happen.

There.