Improper Sexual Contact

10.27.09
4:05 pm

Salacious title, no?

I was on the subway today when I heard through my headphones a NEW service announcement from the Man Robot.

It was along the lines of "a crowded subway car is not an excuse for improper sexual contact".

I can't BEGIN to tell you the problems with this statement.

A. A crowded subway car is an excuse for selling candy for non-existent basketball teams, Mariachi bands, people screaming about how GOD FUCKING LOVES YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!, people with no legs and naked cowboys.  It is ABSOLUTELY an excuse for improper sexual conduct.

B. Does this mean it's an excuse for proper sexual contact? Like, with condoms and spermacide and hand holding and stuff?

C. Fuck you, MTA.  If you're going to shut down the trains I need to get home before fucking midnight then I'll use your trains to fuck, rub, grope, hump, grind, lick and snuggle whoever and whatever I see fit, whenever I see fit.

Suck my fucking eyes.

Finally, speaking of improper sexual contact, those Sweet Millions ads on the subways featuring the baby pigs, cats, dogs and ducks?

Brilliant.

I have never played Lotto and I never plan to, but they make me smile.

Oh, and again, I saw myself on TV twice last night, once around 12:10 and again around 1:15.

One was a different edit of the "iReport This CNN!" spot and the second was a brand new one that was mostly me.

Fucking surreal.

More to come all this week.

And finally finally for reals, the hallway is done and the kitchen is done...this Halloween party is going to be downright Cthuvian.