Maladroit

10.28.05
9:20 PM
I just realized that Masters of the Universe (the cartoon show) was conceived simply for the merchandising potential. Think about it, was there ever a character or vehicle or location you couldn’t buy at Toys ‘R’ Us? No. What marketing geniuses those people were. Man, they knew how to exploit kids in the 80’s. Not to say they don’t know how to today. Imagine the forests that have been decimated simply to create all those fucking Yu-Gi-Oh game cards. I think that is the only cartoon show I know of that is responsible for eradicating a species of woodpecker from the earth.
Thundercats were awesome toys. They all came with a battery thing you stuck into their backs to make their eyes glow. Anyone remember the Toxic Crusaders? They weren’t allowed to call it Toxic Avengers because they couldn’t get the rights, so they called it Toxic Crusaders and made up an entire cast of supporting characters, villains etc. And man oh man did they market it. Those toys were cool too.
And all those crazy Marvel and D.C. action figures…man did I have a hard on for those things.
In fourth grade (I think it was fourth grade…) Battle Beasts were introduced. They were awesome as well. Every single piece of it was a choking hazard. You could kill three little kids with ONE package of Battle Beasts. They had a lot of detail to them.
Before those were Muscle Men. So simple. SO brilliant. And you could melt them on light bulbs.
I remember one time going to my father’s office when I was a little kid. I poured a shitload of sugar on the coffee machine hot plate and then turned it on. About five minutes later, the secretary came over and yelled at me. I demanded to know why she immediately assumed it was me. I suppose I thought (as 6 year olds do) that there might just be some fifty-something year old in a business suit pouring sugar on a hot plate just to relieve the monotony.
Trips to my dad’s office were almost always fun. There was always a large candy jar full of Hershey’s Miniatures: Krackle (by the way I have NEVER IN MY LIFE seen a full sized Krackle bar), Mr. Gooodbar, regular chocolate and dark chocolate. I would go and eat all of one kind, then all of another, then all of another until they were all gone. Then I became a problem. Imagine me…at age 6…having consumed about 3 pounds of chocolate…loose in a real estate firm. Yeah. One time, I went with my father to work because I was too sick to go to school and the babysitter wasn’t showing up until the afternoon. I remember feeling better (or thinking that I felt better) and having pizza for lunch with my dad. I remember KNOWING that I was going to throw up and also that the bathroom was down three hallways, and locked with a keypad lock. I got some puke on the walls, the floor, even a little on the ceiling of the bathroom. I can’t explain how, but it happened. That was when my dad’s office stopped being fun…until I discovered Forbidden Planet.
Back in the 80’s Forbidden Planet was in a different location…about a block from my dad’s office. I would go to his office and then go to Forbidden Planet for HOURS just hanging out there. It used to be cooler. There was like a vault downstairs where you could find ANYTHING. I never knew anything about comics then. I didn’t even buy them based on sequence. I looked at a bunch until the cover looked cool and I would buy it. For that reason I have dozens of worthless comics from the 80’s with cool covers.
There was this kid in my school named Andrew Goss. We never really got along but then again, no one had enemies back then. In an all boys’ school with excellent teachers, and a class numbering 20 (the same 20 people you’ve known since first grade) you knew everyone and you never really had enemies, you just had kids who you didn’t hang out with after school. “Play dates” they were called. You would never have anything to do with arranging them usually. Your mother or babysitter would tell you that after school you were going to _____ house. In the case of best friends (Will Marsh and later Simrall Meem) you would spend the majority of your time with them, but usually you would hang out with a good 50% of the class after school at their houses. Sometimes you would watch TV, sometimes you would play Nintendo (or later Genesis) or sometimes the other kid's babysitter would make you play in the park for a while before letting you go home and play video games and watch TV. I remember hanging out with Colin Murphy who lived right across the street from school. That was fun. I remember hanging out playing M.A.S.K. with Will Marsh (I knew him from pre-K and kindergarten too), playing Zelda with William Horstman, and trading comics with Andrew Goss. The thing was, and I think I just figured this out recently…if a kid was picking on a kid or excluding him from activities, the school would contact each of the kids’ parents and suggest a play date so the kids could become friends. I think I might have excluded Andrew from enough stuff as to attract the attention of the teachers, because, sure enough, one day after school I found myself at his house. I don’t remember much from when I was in 6th grade, just little moments and occurrences, but I do remember feeling awkward. I think it might have been the first time I ever felt that. Anyway, I was feeling awkward and then he and I started reading and trading comics. I can still remember the one I got FROM him, but I cannot remember the one I gave TO him. I got an issue of “The Mighty Thor” when Thor fought Juggernaut. I think it was pretty cool. Someone got fused with the ground. It was part of a larger story, I’m sure, but I never had any idea. I would just read the comic struggling to figure out who the fuck these people were and what they were doing and why they were doing it, and at the end of the issue, I would always think, “hm, I feel unfulfilled” not grasping the concept that I could easily go out and find the next part in that story. Eventually, I figured it out and I accrued a nice collection. I think. I really have no idea of the value of comics. I think the most valuable thing I own is some bullshit title (Captain America and the Falcon) from 1972. Shit. Well, I never went into collecting them anyway.
I did collect Matchbox cars. Those things were awesome and I actually remember playing with them and having fun. Simrall and I would stay up for HOURS playing with those fucking cars. It’s hard to remember a time when I didn’t need electricity or a controller or a keyboard to have fun.
As it is today, just being with friends was what was fun. Sim and I could play with cars, we could play Streets of Rage 2 (put in the Game Genie infinite life code and set the game on its hardest difficulty), we could torture his twin brother and sister (Halsey and Bard) or whatever.
Simrall used to make these tapes for me. He called them the “F.U. tapes”. He would put a blank tape into his family’s answering machine and record himself instead of the greeting. But the machine was weird in that sometimes it would let him talk until the tape ended, some times it would give him a minute or thirty seconds or one second so time was of the essence. Between his talking (which was pretty fucking funny; we were awesome friends) he would put songs from the radio, from his CD’s (of which he had about 7 at the time) or whatever he felt like. At this moment, in my desk at home (in Florida) I have 30 or more. I need to break those out and reminisce.
When I left New York, for some reason I didn’t tell anyone. Not anyone. I came into school one day and told Sim I was moving to Florida. He blinked and then gave me the seven dollars he had in his wallet and a cassette tape he had in his locker (I think it was “Diary of a Mad Bitch” by some terrible female gangsta rapper; remember this was 1993, the birth of gangsta rap…) and said, “I’ll see you later.” We kept in touch for a while, still staying best friends. I saw him when I visited the city; he continued to send me FU tapes and strange packages. Very strange packages. Once he sent me a shell casing and a picture of him at a shooting range. One time, he sent me (from his father’s office) a very official looking envelope containing a whole sheaf of blank paper except for a few pages that were photocopies of ads for strip clubs in the city. Once, during my difficult transition from New York City to Mungtown, I had him prank call a bunch of assholes from my class over summer vacation. We didn’t have three way calling, but he told me everything that happened. At some point, either he or I stopped communicating. I can’t remember why. I called him a few years later to find out he was into pot and the Grateful Dead. That depressed me on such a level I am unable to dwell on it.
What that meant to me was…I don’t know. The door between my very best friend ever. My first best friend was closed. Not just because of the pot (although my disdain for people who are dependant on drugs weighed in quite significantly) but because there was nothing left of the snappy banter and intelligent contact we used to have. It was the same with Aaron Gunn when he came to visit me freshman year in NYC. He was a dull, blurred shadow of his former self. He had lost his edge. As had Seth, although I have seen him since and he is a new man. He is so TALL. Compared to high school, of course.
So many memories with Simmy will remain that. Nothing new will come from that bond we once shared.
I guess. I mean I really haven’t spoken to him in a decade. He might have cleaned up, gotten a degree as…something and gone on to crazy things. His old apartment was on 86th and Park. I remember right where it is, I could go over there tonight and see if his family is still there. That would be crazy. Just show up. I should definitely check that out.
Hang on; I’m gong to look him up in the phone book…
I think I got them! Hang on, I want to double check with the operator…
Okay, got an address, two phone numbers (same except for the last 2 digits), which I cannot remember if they are the same, although I DO remember Sim’s parents having two numbers AND there is only one of his family's name in New York City.... That was amazingly easy. Like finding-someone-in-the-phone-book-in-a-movie easy.
What do I do now? If I had nothing in common with him and a sense of disdain because of the drugs ten years ago, what’s going to happen today? Jesus. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Memories of all the fun we had. Years of memories and fun. Days straight spent with each other. This is too much for me right now. I’m still sick and this all might just be a reaction I’m having to the broccoli slaw. I need my throat to stop doing this.
I need a clear head.
I wish it weren’t so hot and dry in here.
My throat screams with each breath I pull in.
I started writing to distract myself and blow off some SOC steam but I find myself here, completely aware of what I am writing. My aim has turned in on itself. I can no longer find the stream. I want to be home watching TV. I bought Resident Evil 4 today. In the scheme of things, it's nothing new. Nothing is anything new. Ever.

After a pause, I feel better. I called Christina to see if the Dresden Dolls show was over only to be treated to a cell phone serenade of DD covering “Science Fiction Double Feature” at their Halloween show. I feel better already. I am tossing around ordering pick up from El Paso, but I am still debating. I feel like rice and beans would make things better…At this moment I’ve been typing for one hour and twenty minutes straight. It doesn’t feel that long at all. When you are really into what you are writing, Phil should know this, you forget time and, for a short moment, Time forgets you.

I downloaded “Doom: The Movie” for a Nine Inch Nails remix that's in the movie somewhere. The file cut out 2 seconds into the song and, from what I gleaned (I didn’t watch it, I skipped through listening for the song) it’s not as bad as reviewers made it out to be...it’s actually worse. The Onion reviewed it and absolutely shredded it. Same as Saw II. No surprises.
Mm, those rice and beans are really making me think happy. I think I will place that order right now.

This was a good spell, I think.