10.12.05
3:24 PM
Wet. Lap. Wet. Cold. Crotch.
Good day. Despite waking up early (9:51, ick!) and the Great Fuzzy Fucking Deluge I had two auditions that went very well AND at the second I ran into Christina Lind.
In every class of Theatre majors at Fordham about one or two people get agents and work as professional actors. Christina is the One from the class of 2005 and she deserves it xmax. She starred in my play ‘pointless’ (written and directed by myself and Heather DuCharme) as numerous characters and spit milk on herself for my artistic, dairy vision, “Foursome” (directed by Christina Girlfriend) which took place in a potted plant and was sexy and she was one of the two girls in Christina’s video piece “Little Deaths”—corsetry…HOOOOOOO!!! She and I share Jamie Baker as an agent. She’s been going out on a lot of stuff and has had a few callbacks, but hasn’t booked anything yet; she will though. She was one of the most talented actors from her year and I was gloriously happy to see she was the one who made it. She’s not attractive in a blonde hair, blue eyes way (like me) but she has this smoldering, dark, intelligent beauty. She can be the girl next door, the bombshell, the whore and she can pull off a Goth that will make you bust nuts that aren’t even yours. I hope to work with her at some point (I plan to call her “Malaise Away”); she’s smart, energetic and a lot of fun.
The audition I ran into her at was for Volkswagen (the car company that was invented by Hitler). I was told only to dress casual and to look “creepy”. Ladies and gentlemen…I can do creepy. Before I the hit that audition (for which I was scheduled at 1), I had to slog over to the edge of the fucking island to audition for a voiceover for Bacardi’s latest swill: “Vanille Royale”. The copy called for a “rich, sexy voice with a French accent.” I want you to picture Gunter but French instead of German. After I read the k-cheesy VO copy (“Make indulgence a part of your routine. Vanille Royale…French Vanilla with a kiss of cognac…”) without cracking a smile they gave me the character VO (“Darling, are you starting without me? We usually fold the laundry…together”) to also be read in a sexy, warm voice although not French. I did it a few times and thought I did a pretty good job. The recording girl said I had a really nice voice, although I can never tell if people in the business are being sincere or just talking. Anyway, this audition (on the edge of the island and 15th street) was finished at about 11:30. I had my second on between 5th and 6th on 37th. I made my way up there as slowly as possible (which was quite a bitch considering the on and off downpours) and arrived at about 12:20. I signed my name and sat down. Then I started to notice a trend… At regular intervals the woman would call in a guy and a girl. After a few moments, they would come out and another guy and girl would go in, etc. The thing was, the guys were model material, but not the thin, gay model type. The more muscular “hot” type. And the girls? Let’s just say that Christina Lind was looking dowdy and she’s gorgeous. Then, one of the guys coming out says that it’s best to go in with a girl because you have to kiss her.
Okay, I think, none of these guys look creepy in the least and they’re all kissing hot girls for an audition. I was beginning to get a boner…a fear boner. Finally, I get called in with this absolutely smoking girl named Lauren. I tell the woman in charge that none of the other guys out there were very “creepy”. She looks puzzled for a moment and then she asks what time my appointment was. I tell her one and suddenly everything becomes clear. Up to one o’clock, the Beautiful People were called in to kiss for some reason (possibly for the fat jollies of the Germans). It was still for Volkswagen, just a different spot. Post one o’clock was what I was there for. You are going to love this. I was called in with a cute, little blonde tap dancer. She tap-danced while I leered at her. That’s it. She danced, I leered. People (maybe me) will receive money for this. If any of you have seen my acting resume, you might or might not recall that under special skills I have listed “leering”, and friends, I leered my little heart out, trying my best not to laugh at the absurdity of this situation. At the end of it the tiny dancer stood on her tiptoes, gave me a big hug and a tiny kiss on the cheek. “I really really really hope I get to do this with you, big guy!! You’re sooo tall!!”
Sometimes, it’s good to be the Paulitosphere.
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