8.19.05
4:02 PM
Today was the easiest seventy laps I’ve ever done. Here’s my secret…there are 4 official Nine Inch Nails albums and 1 official EP. The five releases contain a total of 68 tracks. During each lap, I played a clip of a song in my head. My laps are under 30 seconds, so I was never tired of the same song and, actually, had more than enough songs today since I forgot to initiate my plan until my 11th lap. I was surprised to find myself done in under an hour. Rawk hard ass, people, rawk hard ass.
And speaking of rawk hard asses, after my delight aquatic foray, I joined Jeannie for lunch in the staunch dinning room at the Club. She is planning on grad school and may come to New York. I was flattered to be among her reasons for getting Manhattanite wit it.
Now, here is the meat of this entry: I need all your help for this. This was posted on Stephen King’s website today:
If you’ve ever wanted to be a character in a Stephen King novel, here’s your chance! From September 1-25, 2005, Auction Cause will be conducting an auction through eBay Giving Works in which 17 authors are auctioning the opportunity to be a character in an upcoming novel, with the proceeds being donated to the First Amendment Project, a nonprofit organization that is dedicated to protecting and promoting freedom of information, expression, and petition. The auction for the Stephen King character will be from September 8th-18th. For more information about the First Amendment Project, Auction Cause, or the auction, visit:
http://www.thefirstamendment.org/
http://www.auctioncause.com/
http://www.ebay.com/fap
Here’s what Stephen is offering:
"One (and only one) character name in a novel called CELL, which is now in work and which will appear in either 2006 or 2007. Buyer should be aware that CELL is a violent piece of work, which comes complete with zombies set in motion by bad cell phone signals that destroy the human brain. Like cheap whiskey, it's very nasty and extremely satisfying. Character can be male or female, but a buyer who wants to die must in this case be female. In any case, I'll require physical description of auction winner, including any nickname (can be made up, I don't give a rip)."
Granted, Stephen King doesn’t seem super-psyched about compromising his work for money, but that doesn’t matter dick to me. Do you know what this contest means? It means that not only will I be immortalized in a Stephen King bestseller (all his books are bestsellers, even the shitty ones), but also that I will be immortalized in a Stephen King bestseller WITH ZOMBIES. Plus, with my “memorable” physical description, I wouldn’t be surprised if King has a little fun i.e. makes me a zombie.
So. Here’s where you come in. I intend to put up a sensible amount of money, but I will need your help. Anything you can spare to make my dreams come true will be bountifully rewarded. I will take you to lunch at the Club whenever you want to go, I will massage you, I will call bomb threats whenever you don’t feel like working, I will do whatever it takes to get into this book. Help me. Help me please and I will be your monkey. Please. I want to be in a Stephen King zombie book. Alan, I will give you my comic books. Kaitlyn, I will xmax your going away present. Gia, you will own every note of music They Might Be Giants have every released. Chris, I will perform oral sex until my entire face goes numb, also I will dress like a pirate/dandy/David Bowie/anything you want to get your rocks off. Christina, Robert Smith. Dorothy, I will bite you on command. Lisa, I will eliminate any and all ex-boyfriends you want. Jade, Linnell in a chesty bont. Phil, chocolate. Will, I will tell my father I’m gay…on videotape. You name it. You got it. Anyone…anything. Help me, and I will be your slave.
7:12 PM
During my break I watched the vast majority of “The Girl Next Door” starring Elisha Cuthbert (the smoking hot daughter of Jack Bauer on 24). This movie is a “star vehicle”. For those that aren’t savvy to the talk of the biz, allow me to shine some rays (more biz talk) on the scoop (even more biz talk). A star vehicle is NOT a class four hyerspace vessel, far from it, it is a movie (usually bad) with a tired plots, one dimensional characters, a generic soundtrack and a hot star from a hot T.V. show, a show like…uh…hmm…say 24. If the star is a young, attractive woman, she will most likely be portrayed in tight or no clothing in the ad campaign in order to draw in horny Fox watchers who are unable to find any naked pictures of said actress on the Internet. “The Girl Next Door” is no exception. It even has the “main character needs to be at an important dinner at which he will give a speech that will win him a scholarship but he throws out his original speech and speaks from the heart but even though he speaks from the heart, he still loses which makes a ‘zany scheme’ necessary”. Oh those one dimensional characters and their zany schemes…
Anyway, there are a bunch of “steamy” scenes with Elisha Cuthbert in which she teases the audience out of their mone. Thank God I waited for Netflix. Now, I know you’re all saying, “But Paul…why would you succumb to such transparent advertising schemes? You know she won’t show the goods and you have gigabytes of hot dolphin-on-clown porn at home, so why bother?”
Two letters: BJ. No, not blowjob (although a blowjob from Elisha Cuthbert would certainly put some pepper in my step), but Benjamin James. More specifically, Benjamin James Kravitz. Yes, BJ recommended this movie to me last time I saw him and I was completely won over. His taste in movies is always on the same track as mine so I didn’t hesitate a moment adding this to my queue. And honestly, like most of these movies, there are one or two fun ancillary characters that deliver one or two funny lines. I laughed three times. But a swallow does not a summer make (except when it comes to me, one swallow doesa millennium make…wait…what?) and three laughs do not a funny movie make (just like fucking “Mean Girls”), and I was super disappointed. Think “Risky Business” with less class. In fact, upon further consideration I think this movie might actually be a remake of “Risky Business”. And speaking of “Risky Business”, I never found Rebecca DeMornay attractive, did you? Yeech. Anyway, it’s hard to make a steamy sex scene with an actress who refuses to be filmed in anything less than her bra and panties. At least it is nowadays. In movies today, it isn’t about the style, it about the titties. I can look at titties and just sit there, but give me something stylish and I don’t even need the titties. Just the look and feel of it should be enough. But all these fucking 20 something directors directing these 20 something untalented actors, they think that moving your ass back and forth is arousing. Wrong wrong wrong. Make us want the ass, make us NEED the ass. Eh. Anyway, I promise y’all that my star vehicle will be awesome. I will act well and, tits or no, it will be stylish and steamy.
And speaking of steamy…
In Queer As Folk, every time a gay guy goes into a steam room, even in a regular old gym, there are sexy men groping themselves. I have been taking steams for months now and NOT ONCE have I seen one sexy man groping himself. I think I might have to break the ice. Mmmm…steam room…
And, totally off the subject of me and hot, sweaty guys rump pumping and summer swallowing; in response to the incident that didn’t happen involving a resident from the Hospital yesterday, the Hospital has purchased a VCR. Again, in response to the incident detailed in yesterday’s post, they purchased a VCR, a rather shitty one, actually. Allow me to explain…
We have an elaborate (confusing) video surveillance system that allows Security to see maybe 17% of the total Hospital and 25% of the exits from the Hospital. But…get this, we don’t record anything. Even if a maniac walked into the place wielding dual shotguns and took out as many octogenarians as he could with 24 shells, the police wouldn’t be able to prove it. Eyewitnesses might put him on the scene, but without video proof? Who knows? Several times have the Police been called here and asked for the last twelve hours of tape only to be met with sheepish stares at the floor and mumbles of “Uh…we don’t…uh…have those…”
But those days of inadequacy are OVER!! Thanks to our brand new non-functioning VCR that was just installed (incorrectly) this afternoon and which won’t start working until the end of next week (hopefully). Jesus H. Christ, let the Beast Machine rampage on! EXCELSIOR!!!
8:40 PM
Just connected an angry patient with a nursing supervisor. Man I wish I could listen in on that one…
9:17 PM
Not as hopeful tonight. Eels should do nicely.
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