Art Poop

7.19.11

3:38 pm

 

By the way, the definition in the Paulitosphere of "art poop" is as follows:

 

(n.) Stuff that comes out of one's brainus

 

And, if you need to ask what a brainus is...then you don't have one.

 

My "vacation" was bliss except for the awful, hateful heat, in which I become a misery.

I believe, at times, that I am part rock troll.

As promised, I finished the seventh season of 24 (totally thought Jack was going to die except for the fact that the eighth season exists and that Jack is in it, not dead), wrapped up my time with Resident Evil 5 (a very enjoyable experience, SO many Infected Africans dead by my hand...you're welcome), stepped into the GTA-like pool of Saint's Row 2 (badly designed at times, but overall so far so good), drank bubble tea at least once a day, had dinner with Chris a record-breaking four days in a row, saw Bad Teacher which wasn't awful but suffered from Apatow Placebo Syndrome and saw the remake of Alice In Wonderland.

I have to say, regarding that movie, I don't get why people hated it so much.

For what they did wrong, they did a whole lot right, even if they didn't spell it all out for you.

 

AND, along with all this delicious nothing, I finished editing and submitted my entry to They Might Be Giants' "Can't Keep Johnny Down" video contest, in which, I found out late last night, I was named as one of the six runners up.

As a prize, the judge, writer and Personal Computer John Hodgman is going to buy me a pizza.

His issues with my video were all technical (lighting, editing, overall muddiness) and have pushed me over the edge.

I have recruited Ray to help me find a camera that: A. is not a shitty cow dick, B. is not over 11 years old and C. is not a shitty cow dick.

My focus is on A and C, although B is also of great import.

I've heard Tiger Electronics is a place to start looking...

Will has strongly suggested that I start a Kickstarter using the promise of custom-made videos, George Washington Diarrhea songs and other weird shit no one would ever pay for to raise money for said new camera.

Totally unrelated, did you know that Sir Richard Branson just bought Kickstarter?

Me neither.

But I digress.

After seeing the other runners up and the winner, I must say I don't think the winner should have won.

I am NOT saying that mine should have, it really does look like shit compared to HD videos of actual shit, but there were two other runners up that top the winners, hands down.

I'm going to stop saying "runners up" now because it sounds weird and wrap this up by saying I am super super happy to have ranked among the top six of over a hundred entrants.

This video wouldn't have happened without the help of Ray, Steve, Paul (not me or the Simon Pegg movie, but another person actually named Paul), Lauren and her Scotsman, Brian.

And it would totally never EVER have happened without Christina, who gave up her July 4th to embark upon on of the most obnoxious filming days ever.

 

Speaking of segues...I woke unrealistically early today to obtain a super special wristband which grants me entrance into tomorrow evening's free TMBG in store appearance at the SoHo Apple Store.

Maybe I'll get an iPad while I'm there.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Get it?

You will.

It's a way-homer.

After my adventure to the SewHoe, I went to an audition for Papa Gino's Pizza which was very fun and then I picked up the CD version of the new They Might Be Giants album, thus releasing me from any and all guilty feeling regarding my illegal download of the album last week.

Or any album.

Ever.

For reals.

The album is good.

It's not great, but it's good.

I'm far too close to be objective so I'm interested to hear what Will or Bill have to say, guys who are more...less psychotic...about the band than I.

Although I do blame Will for this initial psychosis ("we have Hank" I believe the text of the poster was to read...) and Bill for putting me in actual, physical contact with my objects of obsession, however, in the long run, that encounter seems to have made me less psychotic about them as people, if not about their music and the rate at which they produce it.

As long as they keep their distance from kid's music for a while (say eighty or ninety years), I think we'll alllll be fine.

 

Switching gears, there was a writ passed down from the Rich White Guys running my Hospital that if anyone trips, slips or falls while in the facility, they are NOT TO BE HELPED BY ANYONE THAT ISN'T NURSING STAFF.

Great, so not only are you humiliated by your (most likely very public) fall to the ground (maybe into a puddle of something if you're lucky!!!!), you must remain there in pain and embarrassment until someone with less intelligence that a rotting fish stick (BUT ONE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF PAPER) can find a moment to trundle over to you, tut tutting about how clumsy you "is".

In related news, there was a memo sent out to all employees from the Employee Health Service Office...turns out that there have been a lot of incident reports of employees slipping and falling because they were wearing inappropriate footwear (plastic sandals, shoes with plastic soles, etc.).

The irony...it tastes like funny...

 

Watched the Dark Knight Rises teaser earlier today.

A full year before the film's scheduled release date.

*sigh*

This is going to be a long year.

 

And that is absolutely everything I've done.

I also sweated a lot.

Horribly so.

Like something might be wrong with my pituitary gland or my endocrine levels or my duodenum.

It's like I'm leaking.

Thank god I've already gotten that "meeting my soulmate" thing out of the way, because, seriously, what human woman would want me now?

None.

It would be Swamp Women or nothing for me.

So, thanks again, Chris, for all your work on the video and, you know, me.

Sclub.

7.8.11

4:27 pm

 

Finished Simon Pegg's autobiography, Nerd Do Well, last night.

Overall it had some good bits and a few great bits, but it rambled quite a bit and focused waaay too much on his early days as a boy.

I blame myself.

Just because I like the work of an actor/writer/whatever doesn't mean I'm going to be interesting in his or her life, or even that he or she has actually had an interesting life.

Not 100% sure, but I think this is the first autobiography I've ever purchased...no, wait, I picked up Marilyn Manson's when that was out.

Actually, I remember buying Manson's book with a Barnes & Noble gift certificate I received for placing in a Shakespeare Competition at which I represented Lake Highland.

I did a sonnet (the "anti-sonnet") and the "Floating Dagger" speech from...that one Shakespeare play..."Omelet"?

Get this: after the competition, I mentioned to LHP's drama person, Ginger Bryant, the person who had suggested I enter, that a lot of the other competitors seemed to have picked the same Floating Dagger speech, to which she replied, "Yeah, it's one of the most overdone Shakespeare pieces."

I then went on to ask why she let me choose, rehearse and perform it for the past month or so if that was the case.

She shrugged and said something about not wanting to interfere with my performance.

Ah, Florida.

Top notch schooling xmax.

Did you know that I almost went to Bishop Moore...the same high school as Britney Spears?

Or so I heard.

Anyway, thanks Ging, way to let me suck for my school.

Whatever the case, I always enjoyed the fact that Lake Highland ostensibly bought me Marilyn Manson's autobiography, even if it was badly written and full of ridiculous bullshit.

Take that, Bible Belt!

Although, I'm the one who read it, so it's really, take that, me.

Sad.

 

There was an interesting bit about "quantum attraction" in Pegg's book that was quite captivating.

It seems as though "quantum attraction" is the thinking man's substitute for "fate".

Whatever works.

I call it "the Whim of the Great Magnet" (and what a fool I was to resist it) in honor of Hunter S. Thompson.

There was also a revelation that hit me like a fucking truck and made me feel like an idiot.

Pegg brought up how weekends, when he was 8, seemed to last forever.

Then he said exactly why.

I don't have it in front of me, but it was along the lines of, when you're little, you've only lived a fraction of your life, so a two day period feels so much longer since you've only experienced a handful; as opposed to the angry thirty year old who, ;literally, screams in frustration when it's Sunday at 11:50 and he feels as if the entire weekend was pissed away.

It's simple and I feel like a priest that just had evolution click for him.

Sheepish.

I attempted to pick A Clash of Kings back up last night but the book is, physically, fighting me.

For reals.

But the new Dresden book comes out Tuesday so, fuck Martin, let him give his slavishly devoted fans the raw deal.

Jim Butcher will save us.

 

Finished two more chapters of The Grind Show, although I'm furious at my awful Irish accent.

I pray no Irish ever get their hands on this.

Don't get me wrong, at times, words will sound Irish.

Then they'll sounds British, then Scottish, then like some crazy accent I made up myself with elements of all three.

Plus Dutch.

And Canadian.

And mentally handicapped.

Phil, I know you're in the midst of writing the second book so fucking listen up: NO MORE IRISH.

Here are the accents I can do convincingly*:

English (sort of, might actually piss of some Brits, or at least confuse them)

Scottish (much more so than Irish; if you'll recall our first VO session after which I asked, ever so politely, if it really mattered for the story that Jeremy was Irish and could you, please, make him Scottish? Thanks.)

French

Russian

German

The "New Yawk" accent

Various Southern accents

Morgan Freeman

 

There's others, but I can't just whip them out like some overeager porn star at the Adult Movie Awards.

I can do a fair pirate if you want...are there any pirates in your new book?

Why not?

You dick.

 

Things are 80% in order to tomorrow.

Hopefully this will be the last day of the Can't Keep Johnny Down shoot.

95% of the stuff left to shoot is going to be in Chris' room in the morning, then a quick trip to a nearby graveyard and then, tomorrow evening, the final shot.

Then, I finish importing and editing and Robert is your Aunt's husband.

Still feeling hopeful, but I have no real reason to.

At one moment, I think my video is too obtuse, at the next, to obvious.

One thing is for certain, no one is going to confuse this with a real TMBG video.

But this isn't, according to them, going to be their official video.

They will be shooting a "pro" video.

Which is fine with me.

I feel worse for Chris.

There's so much stuff my vision doesn't allow me to accomplish, simple things, that I need her for and she's still wrestling with this fucking Galileo bullshit.

After next week, she is taking a well earned break.

 

Speaking of next week, I had three vacation days left that I needed to use before the 17th of July, so I took them next Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

My plans are as follows: finish editing and submitting my Can't Keep Johnny Down video, finishing editing chapters 8 through 17 of The Grind Show and send them off to Phil, see that play Chris has been working on, see Bad Teacher with Jeannie and Chris...and maybe Lauren...I should call her.

Other than that, ,maybe play a few more levels of Resident Evil 5 and then crack open either Saint's Row 2 or Infamous 2.

Just called Lauren.

She's in.

Rock on.

Then, the new TMBG comes out, then, free TMBG show in Brooklyn, then Eels show in Brooklyn with Chris and sis.

Such business.

That's busy-ness, not business, like a business suit.

Oh, speaking of which, I had only listened to a little Har Mar Superstar over the years, and I kind of felt a connection between him and Midnite Vulture's Beck.

After listening to all but one track of Har Mar's "You Can Feel Me", I take that back.

He sounds like someone trying to be Beck but failing more often than not.

He has a few gem here and there, but it's mostly just tasteless and badly done music.

The latter more a problem for me than the former, obviously.

 

Anyway, before all the nutty shit next week happens, this Sunday, I am hosting one Dawn Brooke Owens and her lovely sister, Naomi, on a fountain tour of the city.

Do you think sounds out of character for me at all?

Well then you don't know me from Adam.

Nagorski.

He's not as tall as me and went to Harvard I believe...or Amherst, I can't remember.

 

Anyone else think it's weird that the closest police precinct to me here is the 23rd?

No?

Okay.

 

LET'S ROCK~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Convincingly to a person who has never been to the place where this accent occurs naturally and who has never heard anyone from one of these places talk.

On Message

7.6.11

3:25 pm

 

Folks, I am officially On Message.

 

Last week, I read an interview with Linnell in which he mentioned their new song, Can't Keep Johnny Down (the one I'm shooting a video for) and that "(t)he guy in the song is a complete and utter assh---* and the song is in the perspective of [him]."

 

Badly worded, but you get the point.

Then, today, I read an interview with Flansburgh in which he said of Can't Keep Johnny Down:

 

"The lyric is about a guy who seems like he’s got some mixed emotions about the world. He’s sort of reading everything in a hostile way."

 

Since before I'd read either of these, this was the aim of my video and the guys that wrote it are just solidifying my concept.

Which makes me feel even better about this project.

At this point, I've edited everything I have to edit and it looks good except for the fact that it was shot of a piece of shit DV camera from 1999.

Perhaps, if  win this, I will buy my ass a new camera...one with mad skillz like recording what it is pointed at and not looking shitty.

Things are still on track for this weekend and all I can do now is wait.

Might go back to Grind Show this evening, although I only had about five hours of sleep before a failed audition this morning and I don't want Jason sounding tired.

Can't be tired when you're hunting demons.

At least not in Chapter 16.

What I wouldn't give for an air conditioned, soundproof studio.

This book would be done in six weeks as opposed to six months.

Fucking...uh...world?

Ambient noise?

Cars?

Phil has stated he'd like me to read his earlier novel, Dark Fae nee The Shadow Of Your Throne once it's all good and edited and the only thing I can think of is how fucking obnoxious it's been recording in my completely unsoundproofed room.

One solution is to rent a studio, but that defeats the purpose of having a studio in my home and it costs money.

Fucking...sound waves...

Man, I'm just spraying anger today.

Well, I need more sleep is all.

Don't blame me.

I tried to get sleep last night, but Pella Windows just had to have me throw my buttered-leather voice into their hat.

DON'T BLAME ME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* I think he meant to say "asshole". But I wasn't there.

THE THRILL OF CREATION

7.5.11

4:50 pm

 

NOTHING beats the rush of creating something.

Something new, original, yours.

Having an idea and watching it grow into something you can share with and show others.

This weekend, I began shooting my video for They Might Be Giants' new single, Can't Keep Johnny Down.

Saturday was spent in LIC with Ray, Steve, Paul and Lauren, as well as Lauren's Scotsman, Brian, who provided the International flavor and credibility.

Everything went great, including one or two moments in which the camera picked up exactly what I saw in my mind, probably the most incredible feeling a filmmaker can have.

After the CKJD shoot, Lauren and Brian returned to my place to help lay down some guitar and mouth accordion on my song I wrote and recorded for Lisa's 30th Birthday.

It's called "Feal Not The Zombie" and I dare anyone to get her a better present.

Then the bar hopping in Brooklyn took place which was just as fun as it sounds.

God damn it I hate bars.

Yes, there was a Tardis in this bar, but still, it was a bar and fuck bars.

 

The next day was spent doing fuck all but beating Resident Evil 5 (nuts), eating Jersey tomatoes with Jersey mozzarella and Jersey corn as well as hot dogs and baked beans and finishing with some homemade peach pie, also from Jersey.

All this while watching Yes Man, which might have the laziest score work I've ever seen.

Basically, the guy that put the score together was a huge Eels fan and simply used ten or fifteen of their songs, just without the lyrics except for one exception.

It worked perfectly because Eels is a great band, but it was lazy as heck.

Which is fucked.

The movie itself was pretty solid once you got past the fact that it was a pretty bad movie.

Does that make sense?

In other words, once you embrace the fact that this is a by-the-numbers-Jim-Carrey vehicle, you can actually enjoy it.

Bottom line: Jim Carrey is still great and his comic timing remains excellent.

Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords did a great job being Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords.

And Zoë (I refuse to call her "Zooey" just because she wants to be different) Dachshund was as Hollywood Hipster as they could muster.

Lead singer in a quirky band (Munchausen By Proxy)?

Check.

Rides a scooter?

Check.

Teaching a jogging photography class?

Check.

Has no clear means of monetary support and is yet able to do anything her free-spirited heart desires?

Check.

Let's do this.

*flush*

 

Anyway.

Monday was the second, and hopefully the most strenuous, day of shooting.

I met Chris at Columbus Circle where we shot for a while, then Times Square, then Herald Square and then, finally, the top of the Empire State Building, which was actually pretty breathtaking except for every other person there.

In the course of these four or so hours of shooting, Chris and I must have seen a hundred thousand people.

No joke.

As a result, I have no interest in ever going to any of these places again...except for the fist annual DBO/NYC Fountain Tour 2011, taking place this weekend.

After the Empire State Building, Chris and I returned home, drank water, ate some chips and salsa and headed out for the second to last shot of the day at the LIC Piers, across the East River from Manhattan, then back to our apartment for the final shot: me on the roof, alternately playing, and not playing, a toy accordion.

After a delicious summer meal of black beans and fish tacos with all the trimmings, I began to import and then to edit.

And kept editing until 4:30 in the morning.

I must say, one way to determine whether or not you like a song is to listen to the same five second loop for forty five minutes before moving on to a different five second loop for another forty five minutes and so on.

If you have any inclination to hear that song again, you've got a good one.

I'm pleased to announce that I do not hate Can't Keep Johnny Down yet.

I have until the 15th to get this done and we'll see how things are then.

But, I still love It's Kickin' In, so I don't think it will really be a problem.

Very happy with the progress thus far.

About a third of the video has yet to be filmed, but nothing left is too difficult or too time consuming.

With any luck, Will will be able to get me a specific prop at the launch of the Last Space Shuttle Ever this weekend in Florida.

While it doesn't make or break the video, it would certainly add an air of authenticity to it and I'm allllll about the Authenticity.

The recording of The Grind Show has been put on hold until after the 15th as there is a deadline and the chance of winning a thousand dollars and a pizza* and Phil has only promised me butterfly kisses.

Not that there's anything wrong with Phil's butterfly kisses, they're delightful, but...pizza, you know?

If I finish the editing before the deadline, I will get back into it as I'm still stoked about TGS, even more so since our Mr. Tucker is in the process of writing the second book in the series as I type this.

Or at least as you read this.

Unless you are Phil reading this, in which case, get the fuck back to work.

 

Now, remember how I mentioned that amazing rush of creating things at the top of this mountain of blabber?

The worst thing ever is being somewhere where you are unable to work on the aforementioned project.

I.e.: here.

So, I'm just going to while away my time reading more of Simon Pegg's book and pray that it continues being funny so the seconds speed up a bit.

 

And finally, samples of each of the tracks on the new TMBG album, Join Us, have been put up on Amazon (:30 each) and iTunes (1:30 each!!!) and, after taking a tiny taste (all the Amazon, three of the iTunes), my fears have been allayed.

Way to go, guys, I knew you had it in you.

 

Okay.

Off like pants.

Two Decisions, One Realization and Some Bullshit

6.28.11

3:13 pm

 

I've had a realization: Kevin James is probably the best comparison for white people to what Tyler Perry is for black people.

Both as far as his mind-boggling popularity with the masses and his uncanny ability to irritate more than an oozing skin rash on one's coronal ridge that extends to the perineum and all the way up to the ass neck.

Does anyone have any government connections?

Like say...connections that would be interested in killing James, Perry and Larry the Cable Guy and making it look like some sick, S&M murder-suicide?

Tweet me.

On the DL.

Oh, quick aside, the new Twitter is a bag of dicks.

 

Also, I've made a decision: when forced to interact with the few individuals here that I loathe, I am going to speak with a slight but noticeable speech impediment

More precisely, I am going to talk in what I like to call my Big Dumb Voice.

Ask me for a demonstration some time, you'll be so happy you did.

This is solely for my own benefit, but if these people end up hating it, well, bonus.

What are they going to do, report me for "talking funny"?

I'd love to be called into some office for that.

It would start quite an interesting dialogue...which would get me super fired, super fast.

 

I've also decided to take part in the recently announced contest to create an official music video for They Might Be Giant's latest single "Can't Keep Johnny Down".

While I might not love the song, the grand prize, aside from creating the official video for TMBG, is $1,000 and a pizza from the pizzeria of my choice.

John Hodgeman is the judge and I think I know what he likes.

Hint: it's not Macs.

 

 

In other creative news, last night I recorded chapter thirteen of forty one of The Grind Show.

Having some trouble with Javi at times, but hopefully it will work out.

 

And: I had a chance to plug in my new Warlock to my MBox and it sounds fucking awesome.

I am thinking about using it to make a more action packed theme for The Grind Show.

We'll see.

And, in case you were wondering, having an electric guitar does NOT mean I can suddenly play or even sound like I can play.

In fact, my first demo for that new theme was created by me using the guitar more as a keyboard than a guitar.

I also had a lot of effects on Pro Tools.

 

Anyway.

When not creating, I have been destroying.

Destroying Africans.

But don't worry, they're Infected Africans.

Hm.

None of that sounds good.

Let's take this again.

I have been playing Resident Evil 5, which features several moments which, if taken out of context, would look really bad to any random member of Amnesty International.

Really excellent, really frightening, sometimes frustrating game.

 

I've also gone back to the Action Teat that is 24.

Maybe a third of the way through season seven, the penultimate season.

Janeane Garafalo is a bit too Janeane Garafalo for me to forget that she is, in fact, Janeane Garafalo.

Dig?

I call it Bruce Wills Syndrome.

And people are now officially coming back from the dead.

And Jack has no government agency backing him this time around.

Stakes feel a little lower after all the crazy shit from the last few seasons, but, like I said, I'm only a third or the way though, things could, literally, go nuclear at, literally, any second.

Literally.

I'm getting concerned about what I'm going to do after season eight...how am I going to get my action fix?

I might turn to drugs...Action Drugs.

 

Speaking of Action Drugs.