SO over him...

Just watched the latest music video from Marilyn Manson.
And I am officially uninterested in what he does or says for the rest of his shark-jumping career.
Two words: shit sandwich.

Letting go of yet another dirty day

8.21.07
8:07pm

Went to the

96th street

branch of the New York Public Library yesterday on my break.
I'm honestly surprised that more people aren't illiterate.
This place was about a half step above a crackhouse.
Everything about it screamed lack of funding.
It was very depressing.
That depression was replaced by confused elation at my audition earlier today in which I played a shaven Sasquatch, and then it was replaced again by a far more personal sense of depression when I learned that I will NOT be featured in the upcoming Beyonce Armani Diamonds commercial.
The money is still the same and I'm sure I'll buck up when that massive whale penis check comes in but, shit, you know?
That Beyonce thing would have been on the Internet for centuries.
Fucking fickle ass French.
Fucking Ben (Ben is the flaming bag of dog farts that Mr. Armani decided to go with instead of my sexy length).
And again for the fucking asshole fickle French.
And (why the fuck not?) for Beyonce.
What about those other two girls in Destiny's Child?!
How can you just flush their hopes and dreams down the toilet like so much aborted fetal (yes fetal, not fecal) matter?
I can picture it now: Beyonce walks off stage at some goddamn award show and her cell rings.
"Hey Bee, it's one of the girls from Destiny's Child...don't suppose you're ready to do another album?"
"Oh, shoot, I'd love to, but I'm going to be in Idlewild II with Outkast."
"Oh.  Okay.  Hey, no, that's totally cool.  Me and the other girl from Destiny's Child are doing great.  But, (minute tremor enters her voice here) it sure would be fun to get the band back together again, you know? (slightest rasp of desperation in her voice here)  Keep in touch!"
Click.

Always click.

Out.

Going to Ocean City for a week.
I will think of you and eat fudge.

Feel my art.

HERE.
I have updated my youtube.
It will cure cancer, blindness, homosexuality, AIDS, splinters, creeping numbness, stomping numbness and harelips.
If you are lonely, it will give you what you need, be it companionship or orgasm or both.
If you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and soul to match yours, you will find it within my updated youtube.
I am not exaggerating.
Again, HERE is what you are looking for.
HERE is where you need to be.

"The human wang is a beautiful thing."

And mine is more beautiful than some.
All right, so I have started my youtube deluge.
I have a few more things to add and then I will personally message each and every person on my goddamn myspace friends list and tell them, personally, to check out my beautiful wang.

Let’s Get Hetero!

7.31.07
7:32 PM
So, first, anyone remember Imi Kamoze and his goddamn annoying song "Here Comes the Hot Stepper"?
I just heard it in a Subway and suddenly everything went dark.
I hate that fucking song and I hope a lot of people bought the entire album thinking it would be just as "good" as the single.
Also, I heard some shitty remake of the excellent SWV/MJ hit "Human Nature".
It was shitty, but it served to remind me of how good the original is.
I will download it tonight.
Second, has anyone seen the posters and print ads for the final Jason Bourne movie?
Whatever gets revealed to him must have instantaneously lobotomized him because in every picture he looks like his ass just fell out.
Third, I finished the last Harry Potter book but for those who haven't finished it, I'll keep mum.
I think the movie should be good if they just make it four hours or so.
Fourthly, Philip is now a resident of Long Island City.
He is in our hearts no longer, for now he is in our hallway.
Literally.
And he has brought with him the most "aggressively heterosexual" music ever.
A man-thing called Mika.
Find and download the song "Lollipop" and then dance your genitals off.
And fifthly and finally, I am a bristle length away from finishing "Ache, Spin, Die, Repeat", a short film project that I wrote at the beginning of 2005 and which was filmed a few weeks ago with Christina Girlfriend and Christina Nongirlfriend.
It is my most ambitious foray into filmmaking thus far and I am incredibly happy with it.
As soon as I am finished with it, I shall bombard youtube with some beautiful tits that will make you weep tears of Milk and Glory.
Thank you.
P.S. Also, Hot Fuzz came out on DVD today and I bought it.
Without permission.
I shall be punished with the Stick of Destiny for sure, but it will be worth it.

8.1.07
8:11 PM
Sweet and sweaty breastmeat.
I saw a super jubilant sparrow hopping around today and I realized that I enjoy watching sparrows hop.
It soothes me.
Sooooothes. Meeeeee.
Also, I realized that I could never work at Subway because, seriously, how many times do you think I could listen to people demanding a "six inch hearty Italian" without making a remark that would get me ousted by the Subway Triumvirate?
And I am now 99.7% finished with ASDR, needing only a tweak to the credits to finish it up.
There is joy in my pants.
Can you see it?

**************************************************
Since these last two entries, I have finished ASDR and been given a toffee (Worther's Original) by a priest with a gastric bypass.
Things are good.

You say you've got some very excellent news...

Bill sent me the XM Comedy Ladies' Night stuff I did and I am one talented motherfucker.
If only ANYONE I KNEW had XM.
Well, fuck it.
If you want to hear it, fucking ask me and I'll send it to you.
Also, Bill informs me that the TMBG XM studio thing (15-20 person audience for a short set) will take place on the 8th, so I'm gonna knock out of work that day and just soak in TMBG.
Good way to make up for missing the first show because of bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse (read diarrhea).
Shot 'Ache, Spin, Die, Repeat' last weekend and recorded the music earlier today. 
It should be in editing in a few.
Feeling rompy.
Also, by this time next week, Philiston J. Tuckerton will be an official resident of New York State.
Ladies, don't even bother with the birth control pills, just have all your eggs removed because this man is POTENT.
Welcome to Fucktown.
Population: you.

Sexy boing boing.

7.13.07
3:48 PM
Excellent, excellent day.
First off, I FINALLY did the XM thing and it was, well, excellent.
Anyone with XM who listens to the Comedy channel (150), you will hear me promoting their "Ladies Night" program.
It was great to get to show Bill that I'm very good at what I do.
I'm being immodest and loving it.
It went perfectly.
After that I had a delicious tuna salad sandwich (garnished lightly with lettuce and tomato).
And thirdly, throughout the day, I've been digging the latest Rasputina album, 'Oh Perilous World'.
(I subtitled this last portion 'Soot Flavored Cello')
Just to start, THEY ARE NOT A GIMMICK.
They are solid musicians who have a tasty definitive style that kicks ass.
At first they might be hard to get into, the lead singer's (Melora) vocals can be a bit...spastic?
Plus some of the electric manipulations done to the cellos might kill a few people.
But their songs are unique and dynamic and there is beauty among the creepy burnt out hovels through which their music takes the listener.
If I had to pigeonhole them, I would label them historical natural disaster electro cello pop.
And a beefy bag of fuck you to anyone who can describe them better.
Stand out tracks include: Cage In A Cave, Draconian Crackdown and A Retinue of Moon/ The Infidel Is Me.
Other crispy bits include: Choose Me For Champion and Oh Bring Back The Egg Unbroken.
And to wrap this delightful 13th in a shiny vinyl raincoat, I was contacted earlier and informed that I have to rerecord something I did a few weeks ago which means double my money.
What else can I say but sexy boing boing?
Nothing.
Sexy boing boing.

Megan Boggia is the Queen of the Galaxy

7.11.07
3:46 PM
Thanks to Megan Boggia (the aforementioned Queen of the Galaxy) today began with a super special treat.
John and John of TMBG were interviewed via phone by Bob Edwards (NPR demigod) at the Manhattan XM satellite radio studios at

Columbus Circle

and I was one of the four people sitting in the mixing booth right there, watching and listening.
The interview will pop up somewhere on XM at some point so I won't go into that, but I will go into how freaked out I was that my presence would unnerve the Johns.
I have been spotted at several concerts in recent years (and referred to as "the tall guy" on more than three occasions) and I didn't want them to freak because, hey, I'm just this fan of theirs that somehow got into XM studios.
Turns out I was overreacting.
For the first time in my life.
They were totally mellow during the interview and afterwards, they signed Megan's CD and we all chatted for a bit.
I think the biggest thing is that when they're in a concert or at a signing or any other public situation they put on their "scared of their fans" hats, but when it's just close friends (like XM honcho Bill Kates, who I am FINALLY getting together with on Friday afternoon) and/or people who should be there (people from Central Booking who got TMBG to the studio) and/or people who aren't making a big deal that they're there (me is latter) they're much more relaxed.
Or perhaps they were just trying not to make any sudden moves for fear I smell their terror and swallow them whole.
Whichever.
The point is it went totally smooth and I neither freaked them out, freaked myself out nor made a freak of myself.
Score one for the home team.
During the interview (which I will now touch upon, thereby negating my earlier statement about not going into it) they (obviously) talked about elements of the new album (a very interesting bit of back story about the last track, 'The Mesopotamians', was revealed and it will hopefully turn into to something great), the costumes that Marcel Ozama designed and created for the album art (which was shot at a cabin in the Catskills and, sadly,  features none of the band dressed up, merely close friends of the Johns that volunteered to be a part of it) and how much they've really grown to dislike being called 'quirky' after 25 years of making music.
The whole morning was great and I feel less like a creepy fan and more like a less creepy fan.
Victory tastes like a grande skim vanilla latte.
And it's all because of Megan, who remains a true shining star in my Galaxy of Friends and Loved Ones (not to be confused with the galaxy of which she is the Queen mentioned in the first line of this entry and its title; that refers to the ACTUAL galaxy mentioned by NASA, popular fiction and www.spacealumni.com).

I am Vengeance, I am the Night...I AM BACARDI

4.20.07
9:34 PM
Good day.
Yesterday I had an excellent audition for a Grey Goose VO.  I found out later that day that I booked it and was to record it around 6.
I returned to House Productions and was on my way to lay it down when I received the first and most amazing and sincere compliment from someone in the business.
I'll spare you the esoteric details, but it was just Pure Everything and it made me feel like a Universe.
That night, I return home, feeling like a sweater; I awake the next morning (THIS morning, brethren and sistren) at noon plus forty seven to my phone informing me that it is bringing sexy back.
I answer it a moment too late and contact my voice mail robot a moment later.
It's my manager's office informing me, not that he intends to aid or impede my phone's efforts to bring sexy back, but that I'm booked to do the Grey Goose recording THIS afternoon at 2.
Me was puzzled.
So I called back to find out if this particular office guy was celebrating 4/20 a bit early.
After a minute of hold time, I am informed that no one knows what is going on but I have to be at a place called Radical Media (where, on January 23rd, 2004 I recorded a little piece of the Divine called "One Muscle") in a little under 90 minutes.
Like a cloud in a rainstorm, I materialize there, full of moisture and I am then introduced to the head of Grey Goose's creative department who gives me some notes and tells me he likes, very much, with which I present these words.
I then do my thing as only I can do it and, while blurring through the incomprehensible tempest of paperwork afterwards, I find out that I am being paid TRIPLE what was originally stated.
I did not argue.
Later that day, I had really good pizza with peppers and pepperoni.
It was perpper-rific.
This GG thing isn't sure what it wants to be right now, apparently it is a demo for something, but I wasn't told what.  I will have a link to it by Sunday night or so, if anyone is interested.

Table of Continents

4.6.07
8:40 pm

On my way back to work today, a man tried to get my attention and then tapped my shoulder as I passed. I turned and took off my headphones, eyebrows raised in polite inquiry.
He said, "I'm sorry to stop you, but I wanted to let you know that Jesus Christ loves you."
I had only a split second to take him in.
He was wide-eyed and seemed a touch on the zealous side so I decided it would be better not to ask him to prove it or anything along the lines of a sarcastic remark.
Instead, I said, "Great", then continued walking.

Anyway, me and Christ and going to check out this 'Grindhouse' madness this weekend and maybe harbor some bi-polar nutball's dogs.
The Fun has just Begun.
Rocket.

Year Zero- The first 24 hours

4.5.07
3:34 am
Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
First full listen.
Convoluted, messy, sloppy.
All blurred together.
HYPERPOWER!- Intro. Not as huge as it could be. Certainly not up there with 'Pinion' as an intro track.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END- Not impressed. Drums and guitars.
SURVIVALISM- Perfect single. Bit repetitive, but it fits.” Hypnotic sound of siren/echoing through the street/the cocking of the rifles/the marching of the feet". Chills.
THE GOOD SOLIDER- Love it. Very standout to me.
VESSEL- Great track. Distinguishable.
ME, I'M NOT- Seems a bit vague. Need to see lyrics. Not very challenging.
CAPITAL G- Has some great elements, but not too standout yet.
MY VIOLENT HEART- A bit lackluster. Content marred by form.
THE WARNING- Blah. Vague. 'Space alien' song. Too sci-fi. Nothing memorable about it.
GOD GIVEN- Another bland flop. Noisefest with little substance.
MEET YOUR MASTER- Remember liking it. Not great, but good. People vs. Govt.
THE GREATER GOOD- 'The Great Collapse' with kalimbas and harp. Too much whispering. Need lyrics.
THE GREAT DESTROYER- Interesting. End with just noise is a bit much.
ANOTHER VERSION OF THE TRUTH- Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.
IN THIS TWILIGHT- Perfect. Could be longer. Love the imagery and the vocals. Standout xmax.
ZERO SUM- Again, too many whispers, although the lyrics I heard didn't sound incredible. End was great though.

Bottom line: I need to hear it about 100,000 more times.
I think that fact that that is my first reaction is promising.
A lot of it just sounds pointlessly messy right now.
Also need lyrics.
Also need part two to see whole picture.
I've never had this negative of a reaction to a NIN album.
Actually was bored with several songs.
I'm sure I'll end up lauding the shit out of it, but for now, not amazed with a lot of it.

5:09 am
(after second listen)
I like it better already.

3:06 pm
(after fourth listen)
More to say:
H- I don't think that this will ever be more than an "intro-mental" to me. Like it a bit more than 'Pilgrimage'. I think that says a lot.
TBOTE- Still meh. Kicks in around the second chorus, but still meh. Sets the tone well, I suppose, but the instrumentation just doesn't do anything for me. What's interesting though is the (comparatively) organic feel of it. This is the only track that has straight drums (intro drums remind me of 'My Sherona') and guitars with a bare minimum of distortion and noise. I guess this is a 2nd intro; with words this time.
S- Just a solid fucking track. Sets the trend of the extended outro that sort of clings to this album...like soap scum in some cases.
TGS- Love the way the words are put together and delivered. Got to say the vibraphone is a strange choice. Not a good choice in my opinion. Also, I could do with more lyrics. Another extended outro, but not annoying.
V- Excellent beat. Verses are a bit clichéd, but then again, so is drug use. The outro on this is WAY too long and just noisy for the sake of noisy.
MIN- I don't get the song yet. Seems to be about someone learning to revolt? Not sure. Need some insight because without it I'm not crazy about this track. Yet another loud and painful outro.
CG- Keeps reminding me of The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson. Only in the way that MIN reminds me of Depeche Mode's 'Home' (as in just the beginning beat). Interesting delivery from Reznor. Almost sounds like a sports chant. The chorus is great, love the chords.
MVH- Grown on me. Still think the music is a bit lacking, but in time I'm sure I'll start calling it "sparse". Like the lyrics. Very civilian army. Very confrontational. Seems to compliment 'Meet Your Master'. Outro is just fine. In other words, not painfully loud and long.
TW- I know I said it was vague. Let me clarify. I suppose what I meant is that it's too straightforward. "We've been watching you. Clean up your act." 'The Warning' is a warning. WHAT the "Presence" is is still vague. Plus the wiggly, slightly country-esque guitar I could do without. I like the treatment done to Reznor's voice.
GG- Another interesting delivery from Reznor. Interesting but not amazing. His exhortations (Come on! Everybody! Sing along!) seem a bit forced, but that might be because I've never heard Reznor exhorting people to do anything like that. For some reason this track makes me think of 'Born Again'. Outro wasn't terrible, but a bit excessive. Also, at one point in the song there is a background noise (like a wibbly-wobbly bass note being sodomized) that is VERY similar to the one in 'Survivalism'. With such a range of sonic blurts and ejaculations, why was this one (or one close to it) repeated? Takes me further out of the song.
MYM- Grown on me. I like the 'spit in your face' delivery. Need to find out what the lyrics are exactly and I'm sure my enjoyment will treble. Problem is every time I hear a song with "Master" being yelled, I hear 'Master of Puppets". And I don't even OWN that album.
TGG- Meh. Still sounds like a beefed up version of 'The Great Collapse' with lyrics, kalimbas and a harp (?). The differences between the instrumental version and the album version aren’t significant enough for me yet. The kalimbas feel like the vibraphone but more jarring. Kalimbas for the sake of kalimbas. The words chanted at the end ("persuasion, coercion, submission, assimilation") give this track some context and credibility.
TGD- I like this a lot. Sort of like MVH and MYM but more personal. The power of one. Great chorus but like a lot of my favorite tracks the meaty part of the song tends to end too soon leaving me with...an annoying and pointless outro. A lot of it feels very Aphex Twin-ish but what is the point? It feels like filler most of the time.
AVOTT- For me, this is just as perfect and as powerful as 'Leaving Hope'. It has such a hopeless, "I've been lied to, used and discarded' feel to it that I find it strange it isn't the last track on the album.
ITT- Only problem with this is that it's too short. Beautiful and terrible like a mushroom cloud. I love Reznor's voice in this. It could be two verses longer. I enjoy the use of the noise that's been a theme in the album, but without it being abrasive and loud. Really an excellent song. VERY cinematic.
ZS- Very solid ending. Very dark. Very inconclusive. Parts of this sound like Peter Gabriel's 'The Drop' (actually a lot of YZ sort of reminds me of his 'Up' album) and the piano reminds me of Thom Yorke's beautiful track 'Analyze'. Like some of the other tracks, I don't think I will be able to fully grasp this one until I see the lyrics.

Bottom line: Already getting better. In the case of the long, blippy, Aphex-y outros, I really can't picture myself getting into those. There's no beautiful piano, haunting violin or delicate vocals hidden beneath them, just more error noises. Who knows?
All of these mini-reviews are, of course, prefaced with the phrase "At This Point".
This is a very good album.
I just need all of me to believe that.

Goddamn right it's a beautiful day...

...but not for me.
Never for me.
Just kidding.
Just found out that TMBG are playing two shows at Joe's Pub at 9pm and 11pm on Wednesday the 16th of May.
I will probably just go to the 11 o'clock show.
You should come.
Seriously.
You should!
We could hang out before and get dinner or something.
Maybe share a soda?
And a glance...
Also, I am in that shitty, short and unappetizing baseball play this weekend.
It's called something or other and it's playing as part of a series of plays about baseball (the fuck?) at 5pm on Saturday and Sunday.
The address of the theater is 123 E. 24th street and that's really all I know.
I think the whole program is called the Sports Complex or some fucking thing.
Don't bother showing up unless you want to see me wearing baseball pants and pretending to give a shit about baseball.
And I'll do that for free if you want to just make an appointment.
Had a very solid audition today which I probably won't get because WHITEY IS KEEPING ME DOWN.
Have a VO audition for a "personal lubricant" called (I shit ye not) "Jiggalube".
There is a small chance I misheard my guy but I seriously hope not.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Jiggalube.

You can't get anywhere staring at the one you love.

So this guy, Jonathan Lethem, has this project called "The Promiscuous Materials Project".
He wrote a bunch of lyrics over the past 20 years and put them up for anyone at all to make into something.
Linnell has recently recorded a version of one of the songs and it's really great.
It's called "The Second Longest Night" and can be listened to here.
Enjoy.

Goat Toast

3.13.07
4:58 PM
So I was just flipping through a phone book to find the number to a Barnes & Noble (it's a new chain of strip clubs. Very classy...) and I saw an ad for an abortion...place.
Clinic seems a bit tongue in cheek.
Anyway, the ad has a sexy picture of three girls on a beach, enjoying their newly empty uteruses, one would assume.
"We treat you special" was a phrase that kept popping up.
The small mistake in grammar made that one VERY unsettling.
On the next page was an ad for what, at first glance, appeared to be a whorish modeling agency.
Nope.
Abortion place.
There were three headshots with quotes running down the right side of the page.
"I felt special here"
"They made me feel safe"
"The staff was terrific"
Again, rather off putting.
Also, all three girls were Latinas and looking like they would be seen in the same abortion place time and time again.
I guess there's no real standard for phone book advertising?
If not, I have GOT to start opening businesses simply to advertise in there.
Today, I have no need for time wasting suggestions, because I HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN!!!!!
First off, to the bank to deposit MY FULL SECURITY DEPOSIT!!!!
Once that check clears I can start sending boxes of shit to Mark Scharfman and making lewd and threatening phone calls.
Maybe from my new LIC number.
Next, to Duane Reade to pick up some Stopples.
I LOVE STOPPLES!
And no, they are not suppositories, although that would be an excellent name for them.
Then to Best Buy to pick up Casino Royale (yeah, I kind of forgot to finish typing up the rest of those reviews. Maybe someday since there has been such outcry for them....) and to look into photo printers, photo paper and ink.
Chris and I have decided to do something creative with our massive fucking hallway.
Then, maybe, to Gamestop to maybe pick up the new God of War game.
It's a very solid game (the first one) and the second one is apparently, more of the same but with some xmax thrown in to tickle the gaming community's collective pickle.
However, it just came out and paying $50+ for a video game that will be $20 in a month or two is stupid.
Then again...I AM pretty stupid...

7:12 PM
The GOW decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that it is sold out in a lot of places.
Well then.
I bought Casino Royale.
I bought Stopples.
I researched photo printers.
I ate pizza.
Very thorough break.
Only 5,649,140 to go before I'm a millionaire and can quit.

9:34 PM
"We need a Best Man"
"Ook."
"Well, at least put some clothes on."

I don't care if I never come back...

3.7.07
8:37 PM
Today I stood behind someone on the train with a perfect buzzcut.
Every bristle seemed to be the same length.
I barely resisted the urge to just run my hands over it and purr like a cat.
Nothing much else to say.
Oh, I found all about that play I'm in.
It's called "Home Run Hitters Drive Cadillacs" and, unless you give any type of shit about baseball, do not bother to see it
It is part of an evening of theatre about sports.
Again, that's theatre about sports.
You know, like a KKK Bake Sale for the United Negro College Fund.
The play is painfully dull yet mercifully short.
I get to tell a story about a prostitute with a wooden leg.
The other problem is the two other guys in it and the director are all big on baseball whereas I couldn't give a shit with the aid of laxatives so the rehearsals yet to come, if the first was any indication, will consist of twenty minutes to run through the play twice and then fifty minutes of talking about baseball.
Whoop dee fuck.
Well, I suppose this is what acting is all about: pretending you like baseball.
I will be watching 'Bull Durham' tonight to learn a bit more about minor league baseball (which the play is about).
Fucking baseball.
I can't even say it's my least favorite sport because I care so little about them that I haven't even sifted through the lot to designate just how little I care about them.
Is it weird that being Baby Kermit the Frog and Satan was more fun than this?
*****************************************************************************
Watched 'Bull Durham'.
Good movie, but I still don't give a squirt about baseball.

Hello...mind taker...

3.6.07
8:23 PM
Now, people who know me well know that I really don't go out of my way to be unique.
The unique is sort of just thrust upon me.
Or maybe you don't believe this.
Or maybe I'm not being up front with myself.
Whatever.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with a branch of the American Institute for Psychotherapy, specifically the hypnotherapy division.
I had a talk with a very intelligent woman who thinks that what I asked about is both very interesting and very feasible.
I am planning on undergoing hypnosis to convince myself that I have never heard Nine Inch Nails' 1999 album 'The Fragile' (my favorite NIN album).
I told her I have heard this album literally hundreds of times and I'd like to hear it for the first time...again.
She admitted that no one has ever come to her with a request like this, but that it's very interesting.
She also said I sound intelligent which will help with the hypnotic process.
I guess.
This is what a true fan should do; undergo mental reprogramming in order to refresh their ears.
If this works, I might just use hypnosis for a bunch of stuff.
Maybe I'll erase the whole NIN catalogue from my mind, come at the whole thing with new ears.
I love the idea of hypnosis.
And I especially love the idea of hypnosis working for me.
I also think this is one of the coolest things I've ever done.

tink tink tink

3.1.07
8:28 PM
All this Nine Inch Nails stuff has kind of made me not give a shit about the Scissor Sisters concert this weekend.
Hm.
Meanwhile: I finished the Bond novel "The Spy Who Loved Me" just now.
This novel features the character who, in the movies, is called 'Jaws'.
Turns out his name in the book is "The Horror" which is a nickname.
His real name?
Sol Horowitz.
Jaws is a Jew.
That creates laughter inside my self.
And now I need your help...
From 5:30 pm to 7 pm every weekday I have a break.
I don't like to eat during it because I tend to get food delivered to the job so I can kill time in that fashion.
Here's where I need your help:
What should I do on my hour and a half break?
If I need to run home, I can do that, but I would probably only have 10 minutes before I have to rush out again.
Give me some ideas.
Here's what I have done recently:
Had pizza.
Had Starbucks.
Bought a Blu-ray.
Visited Lisa and Becca (but they were watching TV).
Trying not to spend money, people.
I was thinking about maybe just riding a bus downtown for 45 minutes and then riding it uptown for another 45.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
So far, that possibility is in the lead.
Just get to know my iPod a little better.
Maybe make some bus friends.
I think I've already sort of made a Subway friend.
The past two nights on the 6 train at 11 or so I have seen the same homeless guy.
He tends to sleep on the bench at the very front or back of the last or second to last car.
I know it's the same guy because he removes his sneakers before crashing out.
Some day, just to freak him out and shift the status quo I might steal his shoes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Or maybe I'll bump into him, drop a bag and then demand he pays me for my Snapple which I'll insist he spilt.
HAHAHAHAHA
It's thinking like this that's going to get me shot.
You know, I was thinking that I might be misinterpreting the prophecy (that I'm going to be killed by a minority).
I mean, 'minority' doesn't mean a Black or a Green or something like that necessarily.
I could be killed by a left-handed person.
Only 1 in 9 Americans are left-handed, so that counts.
Or maybe an Eskimo.
I want that on my obelisk (yeah, I decided that I want a huge fucking obelisk for a grave marker) "Was killed by a fucking Eskimo while heroically rescuing his family from a sinking ship and despoiling a porpoise at the same time".
Hm, that's a bit crowded.
Well, since I now have an obelisk, perhaps I'll have four different versions of my epitaph.
Good one.
Along with figuring out what to do during my break, also submit possible epitaphs for me.
One side is going to be "Unstoppable porpoise fucking machine", another is going to be the killed by an Eskimo thing, so that leaves two sides.
While I would like to do the "Royal Tannenbaum" thing, that might be too unoriginal.
Back to the break thing, I'm sure once the weather gets better Central Park will become a more realistic suggestion, but for the next month or so...what do I do?
Also: with the help of Drew, Jeannie and maybe even the Figa Man, I might be upgrading my entertainment system soon-ish.
In the new apartment, we are at the point where all the basic stuff is working and we must now paint and decorate and add dogs and trimmings and curtains and stuff like that.
I fear these things may never get done.
I went to Home Depot (the HUGE mausoleum one on 59th and 3rd) alone for the first time and was scared shitless.
The second time I went I felt like Bob Villa on crack.
I wanted to buy door knockers and light fixtures and grout and caulk (delicious caulk) and brackets and bolts and levels and chainsaws and carpets and a whole fuckload of other shit I don't need or really want.
I have never felt more Hetero.
A forklift.
I wanted to buy a forklift too.
In case I needed to knock over some Port-O-Potties or something.
And lighter fluid.
In case I need to write something in fire.
You know.
Do they have hammers at Home Depot?
No, not regular hammers, what a silly question, I mean big, fuck-all sledge hammers that I can carry around maternity wards.
Wow. What a brilliant image.
Okay, Christina, first project of the Artist's Collective or whatever name we give ourselves: a short film involving me wearing all black, a black hood and silently walking through a maternity ward at night with a fucking sledgehammer.
The film will be called "4th Trimester Abortionist".
Or maybe we can spin the message a little by turning it into a commercial. We just add the tagline:
Use Trojans. It's better that way.
Fucking hell am I brilliant.
Also again: I'm going to be in another play.
This one will be shorter and better, I think.
I have yet to read the script.
It goes up March 31st to April 2nd I believe.
It has something to do with baseball.
A subject which I know lots about.
And enjoy.
A lot.
Yes.

Eat me.

I've uploaded the clips of me dancing like a monkey for bananas.
Enjoy.

2.14.07
7:13 PM
I don't know how many of you have the more advanced iPod's (80 gig) or if it happens with all Apple mp3 players, but mine was thinking today.
I went out for a while on a audition at House (15th and 10th) and on this commute I decided to shuffle my iPod.
The first ten or fifteen songs included "Valentine's Day" by Marilyn Manson, "Happy Valentine's Day" by Andre 3000., "Queen Bitch" by Bowie and two live versions of "Debra" by Beck.
Let me say right up front that I might be paranoid and stupid, but the iPod has a pretty advanced CPU.
It can search for words, it has a calendar, it can connect to networks (podcasts and such) and I believe that since today is February 14th, my iPod picked songs that might fit in with Valentine's Day.
Either with the word "Valentine" in the title or a female name (that might be stretching it) or the word 'bitch", just as a joke.
Again, maybe I am paranoid and stupid, but maybe I am not.
We've all seen AI.
And speaking of AI, does anyone remember the INSANE little...I don't know...world that was created along with it?
Let me touch on it for a moment...
In the credits, there was a woman listed with a rather strange name. She was credited as "Robot Therapist" or something along those lines.
If you took the initiative as a viewer to Google or search for her name on the Net you would be lead into the massive, web spanning "game" for lack of a better term that tied into the movie and made it much more than just a sci-fi film.
Anyway, this new NIN album, year zero, was originally just a new NIN album, but recently, a lot of things are coming to light.
Nothing had really been revealed about the project aside from Reznor stating "it could be about the end of the world".
Nothing new.
But then an editor from SPIN magazine was treated to a few tracks by Reznor and said it was a story about a totalitarian government in the not-too-distant future set to a sci-fi background.
I became worried.
I think things like that are a bit...ridiculous. It's an album. It's a collection of sounds that equal seventy four minutes or less, that's all. It's not going to realign the thinking of the world or anything like that.
Up to this point, NIN albums have NOT been stories, they might have themes or feels to them, but they haven't been narratives or anything like that.
So I was worried.
A few days ago, NIN started their first European tour in a while.
One of the your shirts with the dates on the back, has a few letters highlighted.
The letters spelled 'i am trying to believe'.
Someone typed in www.iamtryingtobelieve.com and things got weird from there.
After the discovery of that site, several more web sites relating to the new album appeared.
These five or six web sites are set in a depressing and distopic future where the government (the Administration) is lying to people about bio-terrorism and putting stuff in the water and violating people's rights and a lot of other stuff.
It's much more detailed than I make it out to be.
Basically, they set up the world in which the album takes place, or refers to...I don't know.
It pieced together that 'year zero' refers to a declaration made by the President in the year 2022 that America is in need of a new beginning, so he resets the clock as it were, naming it 'year zero'. Any time before year zero is referred to as - # BA.
2007 is -15 BA.
Anyway, there are events that happened in this timeline including dirty bomb attacks, bio-terrorism, the US bombing Tehran and other such countries, the escalation of global warming and the adding of a drug called "parepin" to the nation's water supply in order to protect us from bio-terrorism.
You know, this must be boring as shit to people who don't care about Nine Inch Nails.
That includes everyone I know except for Barrett who already knows all this.
Never mind then.
What else...
Oh yes, Christina rocks and makes me boogie. I came in from my hellish trek thought the white shit and she made me a delicious and wholesome lunch, the first I've had since Kindergarten.
And I had a good audition today where I did 7 drastically different voices.
It's SAG so I probably won't get it, but it went well despite my fucking cold/flu/anal death.
The recording engineer commented after three of the more...strange voices, "Dude, that was fucking sick."
"Thank you", I responded, "I myself am feeling rather fucking sick."
Touch dolphins.