The first of many...

Kaitlyn's Questions
1. Why do you hate me? I want specific reasons and examples supporting each.
2. Anal? Have you? Will you? Why/why not?
3. Are a drunken man's words a sober man's thoughts? If so, why do you always ask if I'm in love with you when you're drunk?
4. Aside from me, whom do you and hate and why?
5. What do you think Black man semen tastes like?

Denise's Questions
1. If you had your choice, which Tucker would you pick to be your love slave and why?
2. Why were you so scared of the Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
3. If you could be insulted on national television by any celebrity who would it be and why?
4. What are your feelings towards erections?
5. Why are you the Butcher?

Jade's Questions
1. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????!!!!!Sorry.
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripped dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
3. How do you continue to tolerate my stupidity?
4. Doesn't Trevor look like Martin Short? Why do you think that is?
5. Will I ever get to see you naked?
6. We know your feelings on Linnell, but what about Flans? Would you sex him up?
7. What is your favorite TMBG and why?
8. Where's my kangaroo?
9. What's with Clue...DO?
10. The idea/concept/reality of Vegemite is one of the only aspects of Australian culture that terrifies and sickens me, what in our American culture terrifies/sickens you and why?
11. Want to come and see my new place? You can live with me for a week then Heather then Matt and GC then Trevor.
12. If you could bang just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
13. If you had to kill just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
14. If you had to live with one forever who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
15. What would really make your day if you got it in the mail from me?

Will's Questions
1. Who is Lord over Greater Orlando and for how long?
Nigel Clarke is Lord over Greater Orlando, and has been since at least Christmas Eve, 1999. Some experts place the date of His Ascension earlier, perhaps back as far as when he taught Pele.

2. You have become the Ultimate Deity and have decided to make a planet. Describe this planet in detail in all aspects: environment, inhabitants, vegetation etc.
Will's simple directions for constructing my planet:
a) gather all material in the solar system.
b) pulverize it
c) use it to construct a huge sphere around the sun
d) creatively use heavy materials to generate desired gravity field, where "desired gravity field" means "gravity field sufficient to root fattys to the spot where they lay, helpless targets for the crusading fatty patrol"
e) sit back and wait for a huge meteor to impact the sphere with sufficent force to penetrate its surface
f) watch chaos ensue
g) laugh
h) retreat back to my home planet, which is something like Valhalla, except with hundreds of virgins for my amusement, and giant statues of you, me, and phil.

3. Think about the future.....where are you, Phil and I in the future?
Currently, Phil is trapped in Miami like it were a black hole. Similarly, New York City has you in its evil clutches. However, we will all be reunited in orbital Fatty Patrol HQ when this earth is laid to burnination.

4. Is there ANY WAY I could get you to move into New York City?
Yes, it is possible. You must first get me very rich, then eradicate about 90 percent of the city's population (including the Yankees, that homeless guy, and subway rats), clean up the city, demolish approximately 3 burroughs, and schedule TMBG to play at my welcome party. That would do it.

5. Describe your thought processes from start to finish involving that incident in Times Square at 4 in the morning.
Pre-incident: I am invincible
0.1 ms: This man undoubtably smells bad. Avoid him.
5 s: What -do- I mean, "what"?
6 s: Is he armed?
10 s: Yep, he's armed
11 s: Damn, Paul looks GOOD today.
12 s: Wait, what's going on?
14 s: Oh, right, armed homeless man.
15 s: Hi. Bruce Wayne.
16 s: Focus focus focus focus
17 s: That is definitely a bottle of Snapple
18 s: This bastard is not getting my wallet
20 s: Hmm...I bet I look silly fishing ones out of my wallet
25 s: See ya, sucker!
45 s: Let's go back and vaporize that asshole
Post incident: I am invincible.

6. Do you think John "The Smuggler" Linnell ever got his letter?
I'd like to think that that letter is like a time capsule. Somewhere down the road, at the end of the tour, when the glory has faded, and John is reduced to panhandling the streets of New York, he will miraculously find that letter in the trash. His (mechanical)heart will burst and he will die with a smile on his face.

7. You must kill either Phil or I. Think hard and tell which one and why.
Easy, I'd kill you. With a knife or blunt object. Because I know that I would never be successful, due to your resistant, ferro-plasti hide. That way, you and I could live together, locked in an endless dance of death. I could work on my stabbing muscles, which would better allow me to do the Gun Show joke, which I shall reclaim from Jade. This will help me meet our favorite bands, as it has for her. Knowing the bands we like, they probably won't be too put off by the fact that I am continually stabbing you. Heck, we may even get a place in a video!

8. You must felch either Phil or I. IMPULSE ANSWER!
I must find a dog to train. Why oh why do I even understand what this question means?

9. Here's very big what if...What if I was the norm? A brief description.
I believe I wrote a paper on this in grade 12. As I recall, it was even titled, "A Big What If". Ah, but that I could recover it. To briefly summarize: the NBA is much less popular. Race relations issues are briefly magnified, then a de facto solution is reached. Bowling alleys are constructed out of stainless, dent-resistant steel. The soft drink market is always dominated by one drink, although the identity of this drink changes about once every two years. Pinkie is hailed as a god-king. Geo Metro roofs are raised about 5 inches, and their trunks slightly expanded. Actually, I don't think any of that crap was in the original. John Linnell is deconstructed, his parts analyzed, and multiple copies are built. Do you have that? Can it be posted here?


10. Where do think Derek is right now? How did he get there?
Derek, formerly the leader of the Underground Resistance, killed an older man, and wears his skin. In this disguise, he ran for President under the psuedonym "General Wes Clark". Last night, he dropped out of the race, to pursue a career re-writing the works of great, dead authors. Along the way, he's has some adventures and made some friends, accompanied always by his faithful Saint Bernard, Winston.

11. Same question with Maggot Kid?
Throughout the years, Maggot Kid felt a continuing need to go DOWN. He originally thought this was due to his burrowing maggot nature, however, he has since come to grips with the fact that this is simply a "gut" reaction to his obesity, and to his rudimentary understanding that by going underneath a percentage of the Earth's mass, gravity will be effectively lower. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan, given gravity's inverse square relationship with distance! However, MK was never known for his smarts. Still, he found a happy solution, and retreated to the Dead Sea, the lowest place on earth. Here, the bouyancy force of the salty water makes him feel spry and nimble, so that he can order deep-fried twinkies with impunity.

12. Why haven't I received a basket of brie and Basque berets?
Because I don't know your address.

13. When are you getting back and what are your plans and where shall the party be?
When am I getting back? Errr... who knows. Maybe August (I graduate at the end of July). Maybe September, if I travel or have to return to Thailand to finish up work after graduation. Maybe Summer 2005 if I go to school in Paris. But the party will be grand, whenever I return. My plans were deterred when Wesley Willis died, but I will not be defeated. Think "WayneStock", but with cooler bands. Hosted by Bruce Wayne. Start planning now!

Christina's Questions
1. What do you hate most about me. No bullshit.
2. If you had a penis, what would you do with it?
3. Whose life story would you like to write/direct a film about?
4. What's the next sexual arabesque would you like to try?
5. If you had to take one human life who would you kill?

Sorry if any of you don't like your questions. Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck off and die and answer these in a timely fashion.