East Coast, West Coast, Everyone's A Killer: Uber Alles

I'm writing this from the back of an Uber drifting through Pasadena. My driver's name is Yang and he is, blessedly, silent. Now, why would I comment on the reticence of my Uber driver? Strap in.

First off, light day, wrapped at noonish. Headed home and then out to get my beard trimmed. Had a little wander, went to the Apple Store, talked myself into then out of purchasing a new iPad and iPhone, although the total would have been around $3000 which is d-u-m, although all that new tech felt so sexy...

Debated seeing the new Jason Bourne movie then decided not to, as I have pirated the last four. Don't want to break the streak. And I don't want to Moby in a movie theater, thank you very much. Also, the tagline from the new one, "you know his name", is a little too close to "You Know My Name" from Casino Royale. Stop being cheeky, you will never be Bond, even after the pratfall that was Spectre.

Now, I am freshly shorn and riding dirty with Yang.

Ah, yes, my Uber driver..

So, I took an Uber earlier from set in Glendale to my place in Altadena. Everything was going okay, my guy asked why I was here and, after I told him I was shooting a film, he wanted to only talk about celebrities, so I made some shit up about talking to Nic Cage about Superman and seeing Brad Pitt across an abandoned restaurant dining room in Asbury Park, where we exchanged nods of mutual respect and existence.

Then, with about five minutes left to go, he says, "I used to be an atheist, now I believe in God."

All the flags turned red.

"Oh...?" I responded.

Because what else do you say?

Here are some potential responses which probably would have gotten me a one star review:

"God is a construct of man."

"Fuck your God."

"God is dead, and no one cares."

"Trent Reznor is God."

"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."*

But, I didn't say any of those, I said, "Oh...?"

So he followed up with, of course, do you believe in God?**

I figured, fuck it, it beats talking about Trump or the weather, so I told him my thoughts. He was not interested in my thoughts. He was interested in talking about how saints have superpowers, and that God is really awesome and that I should watch these weird movies on YouTube about the saints. 

Then, we arrived at my place and I wished him a great day.

Yeesh.

Might just wear headphones from now on.

Like, forever.

* My iPad appears to believe in God, as every time I type the word, it capitalizes it. Hm.

** Since me and Mr. Third Uber Driver Since I Got To California are such lifelong friends. I call him "Tuds" for short.