4.27.2009

12.21.12 = WE ARE FUCKED


4.27.09
7:53 pm
On Sunday, Chris and I joined Bill and his friend at a warm up show of sorts for Bill's friend, Chris Rush.
Apparently, Chris Rush was a molecular biologist who spent five years at Harvard and so on and so forth, and he s now doing stand up comedy (he and George Carlin were friends and, apparently, he is one of the only comics that George Carlin actually endorsed).
He has a one man show coming to the Bleecker Street Theatre called "Bliss".
Quite frankly, he was funnier than his show, but an old woman DID fall down and crack her head open just as he started.
That was not part of the show.
Anyhoo, we all went out to Acme Underground after the show and I learned a lot about the end of the world.
Apparently, it's going to be on December 21st, 2012.
And here's why.
First off, the Aztec calendar (which is apparently THE most accurate and blah blah one) is going to end (and, for some strange reason, it doesn't just start up again, it just ends. I personally don't get that. When one cycle ends, you start another one. But then again, I'm not Aztec).
That's something we've know since 1994 though, right? When EVERYONE said that THIS calendar was more accurate than THAT calendar. I believe we've had three apocalypses thus far? WE'RE STILL HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Next, (and alllll this stuff comes from Chris, who I really don't know from a hole in the ground, but he seemed pretty learned...sort of) 12.21.12 is the day when the sun, moon and Earth (I may be misquoting) are going to be in perfect alignment with the black hole at the center of our universe.
THEN, there is also going to be MAJOR sunspot activity that will, at best, fuck up all our electric shit and, at worst, release the thing will ostensibly to do us what whatever-it-was did to the dinosaurs.
And also, the magnetic poles have been losing their polarity and by 12.21.12, they might be switched, which also means a whole electrical apocalypse as well.
So...yeah, again, I don't know this guy from Adam (who is taller), but he's got some credentials.
I'm glad I've got Will as one of my two readers so he can chime in on all this eschatological hibble bibble.
Will?
Please?
Some light on this end times stuff?
Personally, I'm not going to worry until the Zombie Apocalypse which is, by far, going to be the most fun and marketable.
Go Shuffling Dead!!
WOO!!

4.24.2009

4.23.2009

I, Iterator.

4.23.09
7:52 pm
In all complete seriousness and honesty...why do all American Apparel models look like quirky rape victims?
Today I finally sealed the deal with the Davidoff folks.
After being put on hold for over a week due to "copy issues", I went in at 10 this morning, to the exact same studio with the exact same director and exact same sound engineer and was in and out in a little over a half hour.
Because they wanted deep and sexy and they fucking got it.
I may not be a morning person, but my voice sure is.
As I thought there were three versions of exactly the same sentence with different syntax.
The video looks like a porn directed by David Lynch and my voice provides the money shot.
Boosh.
There are two versions of the ad, a thirty second and a fifteen second.
The fifteen will air in the U.S. on all the networks and the thirty will run in Europe and in the UK forever according to the lady from the casting agency.
Apparently they love cologne and perfume commercials over there.
You should be seeing this around the end of summer.
Or not.
I get paid either way, but this thing might just be trashed or made exclusive in India or some other bit of corporate fuckery.
But again: I get paid.
Now that this thing is finally over, I feel as if a weight has lifted off of me.  This weekend I will record the "Children of Aruf" script with Bill and Gen, and then I will sleep.
A lot.
Oui.

A Quantum of Sexxy

You know that feeling you get when everything is perfect, like a Universal Click that just makes all those things that need to be, be?
Well, I got that.
And it's cool.

4.21.2009

Back off man, I'm a scientist.

4.21.09
8:17 pm
Comcast.
Comcast, Comcast, Comcast.
I will say this:
I give you points for trying SOMETHING different.
Now let's see about giving me some of your infinite marketing cheese.
Had a Comcast audi today at Hobo.
Hobo is the place I did the 56 Plavix rerecords which bought me my TV.
It's run by a guy named Howard, who happens to be the only Howard I have ever actually met and spoken to.
And he goes right up there with Philip Lovecraft and the Duck as excellent Howard's.
This Comcast thing today called for a HAL 9000 voice.
I listened to some clips last night, just to be exactly sure HAL 9000 was who I thought he was.
He was.
So, I did the first read through, and Howard says take a little more time and make it a bit less whispery.
I do so and he says I nailed it.
Actually said, "You nailed it.  What's your availability next week?"
Now, you will hear this often times in "the business" (or, if I were a rapper, "the biz-NASS") and, when you hear it, it is good to remember it is usually worth the paper it is printed on, by, I feel like I DID actually nail this bitch and to have Howard confirm my nailing just made me feel good.
Not that my good feelings or Howard's kind words mean fuckall to the High & Mighty Shit Filled Condoms at Comcast who have been hearing and rejecting my beautiful, buttered leather voice for the PAST FIVE YEARS, but,  whatever, I had a good audition today.
Elsewhere in the realm of me talking, Bill and I and some other person (named Gen, I believe) are FINALLY getting together this Saturday to record that script he's adapted, possibly for an animated thing in the works.
Bill's been in the biz-NASS for over 40 years, so...he's the nozz.
At this particular moment, I am a bit high strung because this project I've been on hold for for over two weeks is about to (or not to) come to fruition either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.
Once it is in the bag, I will feel, once again, like God's Own Boner.
Until then, I remain, as always, a Jesus Queef.

Elan!

4.17.2009

'Scuse me gul I know 's a bit...embarrassin' bu' I cane hep bu' noticethem blogs...on yuh shirt

4.17.09
3:38 pm

To those who grok the reference in the title...we salute you.
And it's APPLICABLE.
Oh sweet buttery corn it's APPLICABLE.
I am now contributing to TWO massively homoerotic blogs stored RIGHT HERE, on the Internet!
The first is the Really Simple Pun Aggregate started by one Colin Goldberg a few weeks ago.
It's an aggregate, see...of puns...really simple puns...that give worms...to ex-girlfriends!
It's pretty groan and cringe worthy stuff.
Aaaaaand speaking of words that rhyme with "groan"....

Originally conceptualized as a book by Dan "The Slim, Fatal Blade" Delgado (no relation to Denise "The Butcher" Delgado) and then RE-conceptualized as a blog by Philip "Thundercat" Tucker, I am also happy to be named as a contributor to "Dead Ends", a blog that takes snapshots from people living in various stages of the Zombie Apocalypse...snapshots which would be included on the last page of the photo album...if you catch my drift.
At the time of writing, there are only four entries up, three from myself and one from Dan "The Dancing, Flickering Blade" Delgado (again, no relation to Denise "The Butcher" Degado) but there is another entry of Dan's and the same from me on the way.
Plus, we are open to adding contributor's.
No holds barred.
So, if you are into the Zombie Apocalypse and want to write about some poor, unfortunate bastard's end...you are welcome to join.
Just drop one of us an e-mail and start getting eschatologic on our asses.

In other, less bloggy news, about 7 of the 15 Manson tracks have leaked and it looks like this is going to be another disappointment.
Not as horrid and unlistenable as "Eat Me, Drink Me", but just a collection of unimpressive, easily forgotten Manson tracks.

In the realm of music that doesn't suck, this Saturday I will be "dropping some lyrics" onto Duck Jam/Duckernauts with Ray.
Prepare for testicular/labial puckering.

7:04 pm
Just got back from lunch.
Turns out, today was Spring.
Enjoy.

4.14.2009

Tuna fish biscuits and Capathian kitten loss

4.14.09
10:09 pm

I wish I had an excellent entry to go with this excellent title.
But I do not.
So I'll just mumble a bit.
This weekend I did some work on Jess' song and it's going to be a winner.
A Grammy winner.
As in her Grammy will like it.

Had me first fun VO audition in recent memory today.
It was for some Canadian Internet provider called Shaw.and it consisted of three separate paragraphs, all tongue in cheek and clever.
I was directed to be a wiseass.
Oh Canada indeed.
Shaw makes Comcast look like...well...Comcast.

BUT, I actually had Y E T  A N O T H E R  Comcast audition on Monday (bringing my total to approximately "go fuck yourself Comcast") and, holy wet shit, they didn't have me read it.....friendly...not announcery...but with a hint of a smile...it was actually several different character voices talking about several different areas of Comcast's whatever it is they do and I got to do a wide variety of voices.
Way to go Comcast.
Let's see if you can't keep making good commercials or just stop bothering me.
Either way, I'm good.

Also, earlier today, a resident with dementia shambled into the Security office and demanded "tuna fish biscuits" get sent up to his floor.
I have latched onto that phrase, "tuna fish biscuits", like a lamprey and I want you to say it out loud once or twice and then just...groove.
It dances on your tongue like a tiny, tiny ballerina...

Also, for the next few days, I will be suffering from Carpathian kitten loss, thanks to Philip, who will also share in the grieving process.
Anyone else?
Will?
Are you a god?

4.10.2009

Hi, we're New Zealand. We've seen Napoleon Dynamite. See?

4.10.09
3:43 pm
Before I got balls deep into Battlestar Galactica I had added the movie "Eagle Vs. Shark" to my Netflix.
It came in and Chris and I watched it over the weekend.
I later did some research and found out that the original title was to be "Napoleon Dynamite In New Zealand" and it was going to be the second in the Napoleon Dynamite series (here's a spoiler: they were going to have him spout off a lot of facts about Australia while in New Zealand).
It was going to be your typical fish out of water story but with that awkward character acting and 70's/80's/90's timesmear that Napoleon Dynamite forced a nation to fall in love with and quote incessantly for two years or so.
("Like Crocodile Dundee meet Napoleon Dynamite in reverse sort of" was one of the actual lines used in the original pitch).
Then the American studio said, "This is a god-awful retarded idea" and killed the project.
But New Zealand wanted the world to know how much they weren't just for jerkin-clad gay midgets and CG and how much they loved Napoleon Dynamite, so they got the most awkward, so-quirky-you'll-fart cast they could find and threw in some curse words and sex and violence ("America-ed it up" they said) and some overly indie, thinly veiled allegorical stop animation (the apples...represent the main characters!) and, voila, "Eagle Vs. Shark".
Or at least that's what I thought after seeing it.

4.09.2009

Pour your sandwiches down on me.

4.9.09
10:04 pm

You know how people say "you learn something new every day"?
Well, I don't.
I really, really don't.
But today...I do.
I learned that, when it comes to being forced to order food delivered to my place of work, I no longer have to settle for greasy Chinese, greasy Italian, greasy Mexican or greasy deli.
I have discovered Seattle Cafe.
LAUGH!
SCOFF!
MAKE LIGHT!
"Ooooh, way to join 2002, Paul!  Do you like coffee?  Have you heard of this place Starbucks?  They make homosexual coffee! 'Tall' means 'small' there!"
I don't really care WHAT you think of me.
I have discovered a wonderful new alternative to my take out regimen.
They make paninis.
I like paninis.
They are not horribly overpriced nor are they greasy.
Hey Food Rut...prepare to become a notch deeper.
Bring on These Economics Times...I've got grilled chicken club sandwiches on focaccia, bitches.

In non-gastrointestinal news, I just finished the 7th or 8th to last Discworld book.
Man this guy is a brilliant humorist.
And he's going to die not knowing who he is or where he is.
That is utterly undeserving.
Why can't my enemies get the degenerative brain diseases?
Or even just some random asshole?
Why Terry "I'm Smart and Funny" Pratchett?
Hey, I know a certain crackhead who'd look just great lying in a gutter covered in his own bodily waste...

Had seven auditions last week ranging from Com-goddamn-motherfuckin'-cast legal copy to eating a fake burger and yelling "DANGUS!" at the top of my voice on camera.
May have snagged one, but who knows...
One in seven, people keep telling me, is pretty impressive.
At some point, I might even believe them.

Going back to all that music blither blather: the new Depeche Mode has leaked and it is some of their best stuff in years, plus six of the fifteen new Manson tracks have also leaked...they're...hm.
They're better than everything off  'Eat Me, Drink Me' (which, apparently Manson also thought sucked, because on his most recent tour he played only TWO songs from it each night), but none of them can hold a candle to anything off 'Antichrist Superstar'.
One or two Tori tracks leaked as well.
Straight up adult contemporary.
I hope the whole thing doesn't sound like them.
Still chomping at the bit RE: the new eels.
There's some half hour "making of the album" doc that will probably come out with the album.
Looks pretty masturbatory, but E has made his career out of having people watch him bleed and cry and masturbate, so no problems here.
The trailer to it has some of another new song, "Tremendous Dynamite", a song whose title has, sadly, written a check the song itself cannot cash.
But "Fresh Blood" is BEATING BEYONCE on AOL's Top 40 this week.
THAT is something to freak out about as eels has always been a smaller band, even though you've probably heard they're music in ALL the Shrek movies, Road Trip and a bunch of other places you wouldn't expect to hear it.
This just means more people for E to isolate.
Way to do it, E, you bearded cantankerous old misanthrope.
I say okay.

4.07.2009

I Just Got Punched By A Crackhead

classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui>


4.7.09

This is all absolutely goddamn true.

Coming back into my job after my lunch break, I approached the swinging doors in the vestibule that lead me into the hallway outside the security office, in which I work.
I reached the doors and pulled the left one open.
A short man with his head down came barreling out and ran right into my chest.
I said, "Excuse m-" then I felt something hit my stomach.
A man behind this punchy little fellow said,"Whoa, whoa, calm down man!"
It was right around then I realized that this fucking cunt rag had punched me!
Punched!
ME!
I was SO utterly SHOCKED!
No one has consciously tried to punch me since the 4th grade so I was literally standing there gape-mouthed while this scrappy thing was slowly backing away (I don't think he had seen who he'd hit as his head was down and he may have, just then, noticed that he'd struck a guy two and a half times his size).
I said, "What the fuck?!" more out of genuine puzzlement that belligerence.
"Got in my WAY, man..." he reasonably explained.
Then Sergeant Mann came into the vestibule and told him to get the fuck out.
I asked Sarge who this guy was as we went back inside.
He told me he was a crackhead who had come in with his friend  to smoke crack in the bathroom.
He'd noticed that they looked...well, like actual crackheads, people addicted to crack, and told them they could use the bathroom if they left their coats and bags at the security station.
They had agreed and went to the bathroom.
The Sergeant, having a pretty clear idea that they were, indeed, going to try to use drugs in the bathroom, stood outside the door and overhead the short, scrappy gentleman asking, in Spanish, for the stuff.
The other one said it was in the bags that they'd left at the security station.
You see the problem?

So, apparently, I had just walked in as Sarge told them they'd have to leave.
I then asked Sarge if he saw that guy hit my in the gut.
His eyes widened.
"When?!"
"Just now.  The little fucker."
"Why didn't you tell me then?!"
"Why? What were you going to do?"
"Kick his punk ass!"

Then came the lengthy discussion about what I should have done: taken him apart, pretended to fall down and get hurt thus getting paid disability or receiving compensation from the Hospital, restraining him while the police were called (since the Sarge knew these guys had drugs on them that would have been pretty detrimental I'd imagine), a combination of all three and a variety of other ploys and tactics.
Oh, to have those 30 seconds back.
I am still, three hours later, just shocked.
This chickenhead little cocksucker!
Hitting me!
Man.
I must say my general good feeling towards the crackhead community has greatly been reduced.

4.02.2009

A Weensy Addendum

4.2.09
8:09 pm
Forgot to mention the last track on "LotusFlow3r", 'No More Candy 4 U' is fucking awesome.
If Prince could be MORE like Little Richard...well, this is that song.

And also that the first single Manson plans to release from "The High End of Low" (as in the song that will herald a new Marilyn Manson album and be played on the radio and have a music video to be shown...wherever music videos are now shown) is called 'Arma-goddamn-motherfucking-geddon', which, of course, on the radio and TV will be called Arma-*******-*************-geddon and will obviously have a huge silence in the middle of the chorus, which features Manson yelling the song's title four times in a row.
He did this a few albums ago when he released 'This Is The New Shit' as the first single off "The Golden Age of Grotesque' as either 'This Is The New ****' or (and this is worse) 'This Is The New Hit'.
*sigh*
Way to shoot yourself in the goddamn motherfucking foot.

4.01.2009

After the fires, before the flood...

4.1.09
6:54 pm
This summer...is pregnant with music.
And the first baby has already been born.
It is called "LotusFlow3r".
It's Prince's 37th album and 19th double album to date.
It's a Prince album.
It's Prince doing R&B, jazz and funk.
Some tracks have words, some do not.
GOD damn is he prolific.
If ANY of the five bands I love were this prolific, shit, I'd probably get sick of them.
Like most recent Prince albums, there are one or two good songs, but no Hits.
I don't know if he's really going for Hits any more though.
I think he is just making music for the sake of music, which is a really amazing feat and I hope he never stops.
He has a cover of "Crimson & Clover"...well, the first third of it anyway; then he just makes sweet, sweet love to his guitar...which you can see if you look up in the air.
Some pretty, simple songs are scattered amongst the semi-lite-jazz and radio friendly funk along with some straight up Prince shrieking goodness.
But again, nothing so stand out.
Although there is a new lyric (from the genuinely heartwarming "4ever")  to be added to the Book:
"Stop lookin' at me like that unless you gonna bite that"
Is Prince indicating that he KNOWS about the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse?
What role does he play?
Good...or evil?

Then we have (that I'm aware of) five more sprogs to be dropped:

Depeche Mode "Sounds of the Universe" 4/21
God what a ridiculous title.
They've released one single thus far (called 'Wrong' and it's nothing to shake trees about) with the requisite nine drum and bass remixes on it.
Leave it to Depeche Mode to continue releasing CD singles.
I'm not complaining, I loved going around to every store in New York looking in the "Import Single" section for random Beck b-sides or EU eels maxi CDs.
The continual digitization of music has made it easier to get stuff, but less fun.
I just wish I gave more of a shit about Depeche Mode.
I think they may have peaked with "Songs of Faith and Devotion" with the occasional glimmer on "Ultra" and a glint here and there on "Exciter" and "Playing the Angel".

Peaches "I Feel Cream" 5/4
Based on the three tracks up on her myspace, I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a Peaches album.

Tori Amos "Abnormally Attracted to Sin" 5/19
Haven't heard anything of or from this yet.
If "American Doll Posse" is any indication, it's going to recapture some of the amazing stuff she used to do, but also have some of that adult contemporary flavor that you REALLY have to be in the mood for.
I have to say that "American Doll Posse" made me believe that Tori Amos can still make vital sounding music.
Still waiting for that Reznor/Amos piano centered collaboration though...

Marilyn Manson "The High End of Low"5/19
And speaking of misery...
Manson has released one track thus far, 'We're From America', so this might all be moot, a swallow does not a summer make and all that.
Musically, it is rather interesting, a return, somewhat, to the sound of "Antichrist Superstar"', but less gritty and...good; lyrically, however it's made up of his "clever" turns of phrase such as "we don't believe in credibility/because we're fucking incredible" and "we're from America/where we turn literature into litter" ZING! and his "shocking" world view (which he'll sing twice...so you can do a double take...because you're so shocked) such as "we don't kill our babies/we need them to grow up and fight our wars".
Whoa, Marilyn, that's pretty scathing...for the 1960's.
I think Manson should just stop trying to shock people and just make some interesting music like he used to.
Stop trying to shock listeners; after the election of a black President and the proliferation of 2 Girls, 1 Cup you're just wasting your breath, try to make something creepy and compelling like "Antichrist Superstar".
And lose the bad puns.
If I want bad puns, I'll just go here .
DOUBLE ZING!!

eels "Hombre Lobo" 6/2
Why is it always the most anticipated album that comes out last?
I would gladly give up three of the above releases to get this album sooner.
I've been trepidacious ever since I saw that the first eels album in 2 years after their 2-disc 30+ track "Blinking Lights" would only have 12 tracks.
Then I saw the title, album art and track listing and, as odd as this may seem, may spirits lifted.
Last night, E posted a track from the album.
The track is called "Fresh Blood" and it has made me ready for this album, now.
It's very eels, but in an immediately accessible and enjoyable way.
There's always some trepidation when it comes to a new eels album.
It took a while for me to love all of "Electro-Shock Blues" and even longer to love "Daises of the Galaxy" (and I still skip 'Estate Sale').
E has a tendency to drastically switch formats from release to release (as anyone who has seen them live more than once will tell you) and while each release and performance will be distinctly eels, some incarnations are more eels than others.
Dig?
E is just the man.
I think that may be it.
Another added jot of excitement; I, as Spanish as Norway, thought the album meant "wolf man" or "Mr. Wolf", but apparently, it means "werewolf".
Something about E singing "12 song of desire" as a werewolf...it just feels right.
Go check out 'Fresh Blood' and tell me you don't pop a musical boner.

Mickey Avalon's New Album Summer '09
Sort of an afterthought.
I'd say four or five of the tracks on his debut are truly memorable and the new single off this one (entitled 'Fuckin' 'Em All') has a delightfully Mickey Avalon music video to go with it.
It really could go either way and while I can't hope for a new 'My Dick', this guy knows how to party: with Salvia and whores.