On Friday...I met THE ONE. Not the Matrix One...but the ONE One...her name was Emily (I think). Although loquacious, she was not fat. It was love at first sight (on her part at least, it took me a few hours). She was scared of me because of what Tyler had told her of me, but despite the fear she was enamored. Then I was invited into the Spanish soap opera that fell apart a bit once the other 35 people (90% of which we did not know) showed up. Before they did though, I was made more beautiful than every woman in the world by the combined efforts of Tyler and my eternal love. The night was...glorious. We had planned to meet in the park and dine the next evening under the watchful eye of Madame Tyler where I planned to spill a pickle broth on M. Tyler's dress so I could have an awkward moment alone with my love...I would have given her my ring and my heart......but.....it was never to be. She and M. Tyler had other plans....plans with two other women....Mary Jane and her cousin La Thargy...and now Emily is gone...like smoke...weed smoke....from their risen clogged pipes...or maybe Tyler was afraid she would steal me from her and decided to sabotage our love...god this is boring me.
Anyway, I got my keyboard yesterday so I am going to have lots of fun. I need topics on which to write songs so I can film them and put them here on my web site (not that we aren't still celebrating Kaitlyn's birthday but shit. Yeah, so the whole point of this update was that I have a keyboard. Rock on.
2.29.2004
2.24.2004
Things are definitely awry...
So, I haven’t slept a lot in the last few days. Sat I had a 7 pm to 7 am at the hospitalia, and when I got home I only slept from 7:45 to 1 because my sexy body and its sexy internal clock got some issues. Then at 4 or so on Sunday afternoon Josh came by and I jumped around and climbed on things for a few hours. Sunday evening I checked my messages and found out I have an audition bright and early on Monday so there goes that chance to sleep in. After the audition I decided let’s go home and sleep. Once home you realized that you haven’t eaten in a very long time. Sleep or eat. Eat or sleep. I decide to eat, thinking I was awake enough to rule the world. The moment I sat down at work that day, I knew I had fooled myself. Then…I got home thinking ah sleep…and I was somewhat right. Have another audition today at 2:15 so at least I could soak up some sleep stains. And I did, I woke about 45 minutes ago and IT’S SNOWING. What the shit? I miss my regular sleep schedule for a few days and it starts snowing? Fuck that. This won’t stand. Stop this, right now.
Also, Tyler, have you ever heard of The Questionmark Asylum or the Beta Band? I’m assuming you’re answers will be “no” and “yes” or “no” and “maybe”. Either way, I gots some good shit for your black-craving ass. Rock. I said ROCK.
all gods chillun got shoooooes...
2.20.2004
Worked at the hospital last weekend...
9:04 AM
By the Sweet Smooth Nipples of Jesus the Christ SHUT THE GOD DAMN FUCK UP ABOUT THE SHITTING WEDDING. Ef ah want git made in a chuch, I anie got pay no fo hunnid in sitty fie dallahs an no hunnid fitty fo no REhusal…I have been listening to this fucking women talk on the phone since 8:45 (she’s talking as I write) about how someone she knows is getting married and the church is charging $465 for the wedding…that’s it. It took me maybe 10 seconds to write that fucking sentence. 10 seconds. SHE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR OVER 15 MINUTES. And when I stumbled in at 7 she was recounting her trip with a group of friends to Sin City (the strip club in the Sopranos). I had to endure about an hour of her retelling the story AS EACH CHARACTER (based on her impression of the other people it seems as if she went with were mockingbird demons from Hell). And when the person she was talking to left and a new one came in…hey! Let’s hit rewind on the Stupid Noise Machine! This time can we have more shrieking? There we go, I think your voice has actually lacerated the surface of my brain, thanks. Fuck you, Alexander Graham Bell. Fuck you for inventing your Devil Talker. And fuck you God for inventing that part of the human brain that makes loud people stupid and stupid people loud. And that part that makes these people repetitive also. And fuck you and your culture, Paul. Why? Because the fucking white man is responsible for making a perfectly good human being, NO DIFFERENT from you except in skin color, sound like they have tube socks in their mouths when they talk. Dr. Clara Rodriguez was right. This is your fucking fault. It’s time I took responsibility. Bruce from the Kids in the Hall is sorry for all the cancer, I am sorry for uneducating (deeducating/dumbening/retarding whatever) black people. I’m sorry for slavery and oppression and inequality and 40 ounces and popularizing saggy pants and mauling English and you fucking name it. Also, I’m sorry I tried to correct my mistakes with violence. It worked at first, Biggie Smalls and TuPac are perfect examples of that, but then things went bad. I shot ghetto lad in the leg, he survived and started limping AND NOW THEY ALL DO IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL! And 50 Cent? Yeah I REALLY fucked up there. NINE TIMES! NINE FUCKING TIMES! FUCK! Which brings be back to the chattering dimwit to my left. This is what they call “irony”. You need a definition? My life. I set about uneducating black people and now I find myself surrounded by them. I am my own torturer. And you know, acceptance really doesn’t make anything better. However, I have a box of Everlasting Gobstoppers here and if she continues blithering about this wedding, I’ll test just how everlasting they are when they are poured, by the dozen, down one’s throat. Only 9 ½ hours to go…
BASIC TRANSLATION
yes = yeh / ya / yu / uh
no = nuh / naw / nu / ung
right = rait
wrong = ron
ten = tin
twenty = twinny
thirty = furty
forty = foty
fifty = fitty
sixty = sitty
seventy = sedinty
eighty = eddy
ninty = niny
hundred = hunnid
together = tuhgevuh
with you = wichu
this = dis
style = stahl
I ain’t here to raaab you = Give me all of your money.
Some part of me wants to hear her speak French…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, I was walking outside and saw the first bud of spring. I saw it again this week and it was dead from the cold. Fuck.
2.13.2004
Good news/bad news
The good mews is tomorrow I am working at the Hospital from 7am to 7pm. Ergo hence thus there would have been only 6 people for cranium tonight, BUT (the bad news) now Kady’s artistic friend Mark will be coming in my stead (do you remember him Kaitlyn?) raising the number from gorgeous, Satanic 6 back to unlucky, unwieldy 7. Fuck life. Just promise me that there will be resolution and comeuppance for his defacing of Kaitlyn’s forehead.
On another channel, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I plan to pump Outkast’s “Happy Valentine’s Day” incessantly, maybe pausing for some Prince. I love that artists like Andre 3000, Prince and the Magnetic Fields have turned Valentine’s Day from a Hallmark Holiday into something funky and scathing. Fuck your Valentine’s Day.
On another channel, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I plan to pump Outkast’s “Happy Valentine’s Day” incessantly, maybe pausing for some Prince. I love that artists like Andre 3000, Prince and the Magnetic Fields have turned Valentine’s Day from a Hallmark Holiday into something funky and scathing. Fuck your Valentine’s Day.
2.11.2004
Lisa's Questions
1. Of our ten year friendship, which personal joke/story still remains the most amazing/funny?
-I would have to say the Zombie Haus. (imagine those two little dots over the u)I mean, the development of that joke lasted years. I will always remember walking past the haus at night, freak ourselves out and pathetically try not to run all the way home. Everytime I think of zombies, i think of you.
2. Favorite word and why?
-I really like the word Peril. It is so pretty, but means something so bad.
3. Do you find Aaron Gunn attractive? Rowr.
- If I did, i wouldnt be very Smrt, smrt, smrt....
4. You have to sex up either Denise or Kaitlyn, who and why?
I would have to say Denise, solely on the fact that she is not my roommate, i wouldnt want stuff getting weird between me and KY. lol Besides Marc has been pushing for us to have a threesome, and who am i to deny him that...
5.How should Charlie be punished for smoking? You must submit this answer to your parents.
-oh, my parents already know how i feel. First, i would want my dad to cry in front of him again, make him really feel bad. then break all of his skateboards, in front of him. then make him watch some old man get a traechiotomy ( i cant spell) b/c the guy has throat cancer. then make him physically eat the rest of the pack.
Paul's Answer Key
1. I would much rather be associated with zombies than anal warts. Thank you.
2. Wrong. The correct answer was: tweed.
3. ZING!
4. You should totally go to the wall with the threesome idea ONLY IF I can be the third. See how long and hard is dick is then. Ha.
5. I fucking love every part of it. Tell them and I'm sure they'll do at least one of those. The crying is a great emotional mindfucking, it'll flip his perceptions, the skateboards will attach doing something wrong with the destruction of his favorite things and the eating of the pack will make him repulsed by the smell and taste. I think the trach thing is neither here nor there. I believe Charlie has seen Faces of Death, so that won't do a thing. The discomfort must be his. Perhaps cut a hole in his throat? Maybe he shoudl have to watch your parents having sex. OR A THREESOME WITH ME!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH! I'm going to be a great father.
-I would have to say the Zombie Haus. (imagine those two little dots over the u)I mean, the development of that joke lasted years. I will always remember walking past the haus at night, freak ourselves out and pathetically try not to run all the way home. Everytime I think of zombies, i think of you.
2. Favorite word and why?
-I really like the word Peril. It is so pretty, but means something so bad.
3. Do you find Aaron Gunn attractive? Rowr.
- If I did, i wouldnt be very Smrt, smrt, smrt....
4. You have to sex up either Denise or Kaitlyn, who and why?
I would have to say Denise, solely on the fact that she is not my roommate, i wouldnt want stuff getting weird between me and KY. lol Besides Marc has been pushing for us to have a threesome, and who am i to deny him that...
5.How should Charlie be punished for smoking? You must submit this answer to your parents.
-oh, my parents already know how i feel. First, i would want my dad to cry in front of him again, make him really feel bad. then break all of his skateboards, in front of him. then make him watch some old man get a traechiotomy ( i cant spell) b/c the guy has throat cancer. then make him physically eat the rest of the pack.
Paul's Answer Key
1. I would much rather be associated with zombies than anal warts. Thank you.
2. Wrong. The correct answer was: tweed.
3. ZING!
4. You should totally go to the wall with the threesome idea ONLY IF I can be the third. See how long and hard is dick is then. Ha.
5. I fucking love every part of it. Tell them and I'm sure they'll do at least one of those. The crying is a great emotional mindfucking, it'll flip his perceptions, the skateboards will attach doing something wrong with the destruction of his favorite things and the eating of the pack will make him repulsed by the smell and taste. I think the trach thing is neither here nor there. I believe Charlie has seen Faces of Death, so that won't do a thing. The discomfort must be his. Perhaps cut a hole in his throat? Maybe he shoudl have to watch your parents having sex. OR A THREESOME WITH ME!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH! I'm going to be a great father.
A Big What If by Dr. William Pomerantz (circa 1998)
A Big What If
I was just interrupted in my studies by an important news break: a confidential insider report has revealed to me that a young girl was killed by her father for running up $25,000 in fees owed to the Psychic Network. Not to sound morbidly insensitive or anything, but you just have to wonder about people like that. Obviously, something was wrong with both the father and the daughter. How on Earth does someone run up $25,000 in phone bills? Did she just leave the phone off the hook? Why didn’t any notice beforehand and try to stop her? Did the psychics warn her that she would soon be chopped into 7 pieces by her vengeful, chain-saw-wielding father? Anyway, this strange news break made me thing of a conversation I had early this weekend with Philip Tucker (’98) on the subject of fellow Highlander Paul (’99). The theme of our topic was this: what if Paul was the norm? That is to say, what if the majority of people in this world were like Paul? My guess is that the world would be a very crazy place. In case you don’t know Paul, I will give a brief description of him in order to make this more pointful. Paul is the hulking, lumbering giant you have probably noticed lurking about campus. He is forced to wear special sunglasses constantly in order to restrain his mutant ability to fire high-powered laser beams from his eyes. Paul has no home—he is a drifter, a wanderer, a nomad, a vagabond, call him what you will. For some reason, this creature has made Lake Highland his home. He can often be often be seen kidnapping young children and trying to subvert them to his evil, dark ways. The poor little innocent children will return weeks later, totally brainwashed. No more are they ‘innocent.’ Now, they will run about, screeching in terrible voices, quoting bizarre sources such as Marilyn Manson, and just generally being a lot taller than they were before. Occasionally, these little children will not return at all, but instead their bodies will be found months later, totally mutilated in some pagan ritual. Paul baffles modern science. His body structure is unknown—the material he is made from must be strong enough to support his massive twelve foot seven frame, yet still flexible enough to allow him to bend in all directions like a snake. Countless thousands have been slain by his deadly eye-beams, and many more have been torn apart by his sharp tigerlike claws and fangs. He continues to evade local, national, and international police forces, sometimes living in dark underground caves for months at a time to evade detection. Paul does not speak English, but rather he communicates in the language of the squirrels, chattering constantly while clutching little nutshells in his huge, oafish hands. Well, perhaps, I exaggerate a little. But not very much. Most of that is true. But, it is close enough for our purposes. So, imagine a world much like our own, except that it is populated by several billion Pauls. What the devil would this place look like? My first guess would have to be that it would look a lot shorter by comparison. I mean, that Paul guy is pretty darn tall. Whooo, baby. Yes siree, he is rather on the tall side. Other than that, though, I think that the world be exactly the same. A little shorter, but otherwise the same. Not what you were expecting, was it? You were expecting some weird desert planet, with fleeting shapes scuttling quickly across the horizon, and hideous bird things pecking at wooden planks. But that would only happen if everyone were more like Owl Boy.
I was just interrupted in my studies by an important news break: a confidential insider report has revealed to me that a young girl was killed by her father for running up $25,000 in fees owed to the Psychic Network. Not to sound morbidly insensitive or anything, but you just have to wonder about people like that. Obviously, something was wrong with both the father and the daughter. How on Earth does someone run up $25,000 in phone bills? Did she just leave the phone off the hook? Why didn’t any notice beforehand and try to stop her? Did the psychics warn her that she would soon be chopped into 7 pieces by her vengeful, chain-saw-wielding father? Anyway, this strange news break made me thing of a conversation I had early this weekend with Philip Tucker (’98) on the subject of fellow Highlander Paul (’99). The theme of our topic was this: what if Paul was the norm? That is to say, what if the majority of people in this world were like Paul? My guess is that the world would be a very crazy place. In case you don’t know Paul, I will give a brief description of him in order to make this more pointful. Paul is the hulking, lumbering giant you have probably noticed lurking about campus. He is forced to wear special sunglasses constantly in order to restrain his mutant ability to fire high-powered laser beams from his eyes. Paul has no home—he is a drifter, a wanderer, a nomad, a vagabond, call him what you will. For some reason, this creature has made Lake Highland his home. He can often be often be seen kidnapping young children and trying to subvert them to his evil, dark ways. The poor little innocent children will return weeks later, totally brainwashed. No more are they ‘innocent.’ Now, they will run about, screeching in terrible voices, quoting bizarre sources such as Marilyn Manson, and just generally being a lot taller than they were before. Occasionally, these little children will not return at all, but instead their bodies will be found months later, totally mutilated in some pagan ritual. Paul baffles modern science. His body structure is unknown—the material he is made from must be strong enough to support his massive twelve foot seven frame, yet still flexible enough to allow him to bend in all directions like a snake. Countless thousands have been slain by his deadly eye-beams, and many more have been torn apart by his sharp tigerlike claws and fangs. He continues to evade local, national, and international police forces, sometimes living in dark underground caves for months at a time to evade detection. Paul does not speak English, but rather he communicates in the language of the squirrels, chattering constantly while clutching little nutshells in his huge, oafish hands. Well, perhaps, I exaggerate a little. But not very much. Most of that is true. But, it is close enough for our purposes. So, imagine a world much like our own, except that it is populated by several billion Pauls. What the devil would this place look like? My first guess would have to be that it would look a lot shorter by comparison. I mean, that Paul guy is pretty darn tall. Whooo, baby. Yes siree, he is rather on the tall side. Other than that, though, I think that the world be exactly the same. A little shorter, but otherwise the same. Not what you were expecting, was it? You were expecting some weird desert planet, with fleeting shapes scuttling quickly across the horizon, and hideous bird things pecking at wooden planks. But that would only happen if everyone were more like Owl Boy.
2.10.2004
Corrections (fuck you all I'm tired)
Kaitlyn's Questions
4. Aside from me, whom do you hate and why?
Denise's Questions
2. Why were you so scared of Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
Jade's Questions
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripper dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
7. What is your favorite TMBG song and why?
Christina's Questions
4. What's the next sexual arabesque you would like to try?
4. Aside from me, whom do you hate and why?
Denise's Questions
2. Why were you so scared of Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
Jade's Questions
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripper dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
7. What is your favorite TMBG song and why?
Christina's Questions
4. What's the next sexual arabesque you would like to try?
The first of many...
Kaitlyn's Questions
1. Why do you hate me? I want specific reasons and examples supporting each.
2. Anal? Have you? Will you? Why/why not?
3. Are a drunken man's words a sober man's thoughts? If so, why do you always ask if I'm in love with you when you're drunk?
4. Aside from me, whom do you and hate and why?
5. What do you think Black man semen tastes like?
Denise's Questions
1. If you had your choice, which Tucker would you pick to be your love slave and why?
2. Why were you so scared of the Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
3. If you could be insulted on national television by any celebrity who would it be and why?
4. What are your feelings towards erections?
5. Why are you the Butcher?
Jade's Questions
1. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????!!!!!Sorry.
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripped dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
3. How do you continue to tolerate my stupidity?
4. Doesn't Trevor look like Martin Short? Why do you think that is?
5. Will I ever get to see you naked?
6. We know your feelings on Linnell, but what about Flans? Would you sex him up?
7. What is your favorite TMBG and why?
8. Where's my kangaroo?
9. What's with Clue...DO?
10. The idea/concept/reality of Vegemite is one of the only aspects of Australian culture that terrifies and sickens me, what in our American culture terrifies/sickens you and why?
11. Want to come and see my new place? You can live with me for a week then Heather then Matt and GC then Trevor.
12. If you could bang just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
13. If you had to kill just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
14. If you had to live with one forever who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
15. What would really make your day if you got it in the mail from me?
Will's Questions
1. Who is Lord over Greater Orlando and for how long?
Nigel Clarke is Lord over Greater Orlando, and has been since at least Christmas Eve, 1999. Some experts place the date of His Ascension earlier, perhaps back as far as when he taught Pele.
2. You have become the Ultimate Deity and have decided to make a planet. Describe this planet in detail in all aspects: environment, inhabitants, vegetation etc.
Will's simple directions for constructing my planet:
a) gather all material in the solar system.
b) pulverize it
c) use it to construct a huge sphere around the sun
d) creatively use heavy materials to generate desired gravity field, where "desired gravity field" means "gravity field sufficient to root fattys to the spot where they lay, helpless targets for the crusading fatty patrol"
e) sit back and wait for a huge meteor to impact the sphere with sufficent force to penetrate its surface
f) watch chaos ensue
g) laugh
h) retreat back to my home planet, which is something like Valhalla, except with hundreds of virgins for my amusement, and giant statues of you, me, and phil.
3. Think about the future.....where are you, Phil and I in the future?
Currently, Phil is trapped in Miami like it were a black hole. Similarly, New York City has you in its evil clutches. However, we will all be reunited in orbital Fatty Patrol HQ when this earth is laid to burnination.
4. Is there ANY WAY I could get you to move into New York City?
Yes, it is possible. You must first get me very rich, then eradicate about 90 percent of the city's population (including the Yankees, that homeless guy, and subway rats), clean up the city, demolish approximately 3 burroughs, and schedule TMBG to play at my welcome party. That would do it.
5. Describe your thought processes from start to finish involving that incident in Times Square at 4 in the morning.
Pre-incident: I am invincible
0.1 ms: This man undoubtably smells bad. Avoid him.
5 s: What -do- I mean, "what"?
6 s: Is he armed?
10 s: Yep, he's armed
11 s: Damn, Paul looks GOOD today.
12 s: Wait, what's going on?
14 s: Oh, right, armed homeless man.
15 s: Hi. Bruce Wayne.
16 s: Focus focus focus focus
17 s: That is definitely a bottle of Snapple
18 s: This bastard is not getting my wallet
20 s: Hmm...I bet I look silly fishing ones out of my wallet
25 s: See ya, sucker!
45 s: Let's go back and vaporize that asshole
Post incident: I am invincible.
6. Do you think John "The Smuggler" Linnell ever got his letter?
I'd like to think that that letter is like a time capsule. Somewhere down the road, at the end of the tour, when the glory has faded, and John is reduced to panhandling the streets of New York, he will miraculously find that letter in the trash. His (mechanical)heart will burst and he will die with a smile on his face.
7. You must kill either Phil or I. Think hard and tell which one and why.
Easy, I'd kill you. With a knife or blunt object. Because I know that I would never be successful, due to your resistant, ferro-plasti hide. That way, you and I could live together, locked in an endless dance of death. I could work on my stabbing muscles, which would better allow me to do the Gun Show joke, which I shall reclaim from Jade. This will help me meet our favorite bands, as it has for her. Knowing the bands we like, they probably won't be too put off by the fact that I am continually stabbing you. Heck, we may even get a place in a video!
8. You must felch either Phil or I. IMPULSE ANSWER!
I must find a dog to train. Why oh why do I even understand what this question means?
9. Here's very big what if...What if I was the norm? A brief description.
I believe I wrote a paper on this in grade 12. As I recall, it was even titled, "A Big What If". Ah, but that I could recover it. To briefly summarize: the NBA is much less popular. Race relations issues are briefly magnified, then a de facto solution is reached. Bowling alleys are constructed out of stainless, dent-resistant steel. The soft drink market is always dominated by one drink, although the identity of this drink changes about once every two years. Pinkie is hailed as a god-king. Geo Metro roofs are raised about 5 inches, and their trunks slightly expanded. Actually, I don't think any of that crap was in the original. John Linnell is deconstructed, his parts analyzed, and multiple copies are built. Do you have that? Can it be posted here?
10. Where do think Derek is right now? How did he get there?
Derek, formerly the leader of the Underground Resistance, killed an older man, and wears his skin. In this disguise, he ran for President under the psuedonym "General Wes Clark". Last night, he dropped out of the race, to pursue a career re-writing the works of great, dead authors. Along the way, he's has some adventures and made some friends, accompanied always by his faithful Saint Bernard, Winston.
11. Same question with Maggot Kid?
Throughout the years, Maggot Kid felt a continuing need to go DOWN. He originally thought this was due to his burrowing maggot nature, however, he has since come to grips with the fact that this is simply a "gut" reaction to his obesity, and to his rudimentary understanding that by going underneath a percentage of the Earth's mass, gravity will be effectively lower. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan, given gravity's inverse square relationship with distance! However, MK was never known for his smarts. Still, he found a happy solution, and retreated to the Dead Sea, the lowest place on earth. Here, the bouyancy force of the salty water makes him feel spry and nimble, so that he can order deep-fried twinkies with impunity.
12. Why haven't I received a basket of brie and Basque berets?
Because I don't know your address.
13. When are you getting back and what are your plans and where shall the party be?
When am I getting back? Errr... who knows. Maybe August (I graduate at the end of July). Maybe September, if I travel or have to return to Thailand to finish up work after graduation. Maybe Summer 2005 if I go to school in Paris. But the party will be grand, whenever I return. My plans were deterred when Wesley Willis died, but I will not be defeated. Think "WayneStock", but with cooler bands. Hosted by Bruce Wayne. Start planning now!
Christina's Questions
1. What do you hate most about me. No bullshit.
2. If you had a penis, what would you do with it?
3. Whose life story would you like to write/direct a film about?
4. What's the next sexual arabesque would you like to try?
5. If you had to take one human life who would you kill?
Sorry if any of you don't like your questions. Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck off and die and answer these in a timely fashion.
1. Why do you hate me? I want specific reasons and examples supporting each.
2. Anal? Have you? Will you? Why/why not?
3. Are a drunken man's words a sober man's thoughts? If so, why do you always ask if I'm in love with you when you're drunk?
4. Aside from me, whom do you and hate and why?
5. What do you think Black man semen tastes like?
Denise's Questions
1. If you had your choice, which Tucker would you pick to be your love slave and why?
2. Why were you so scared of the Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
3. If you could be insulted on national television by any celebrity who would it be and why?
4. What are your feelings towards erections?
5. Why are you the Butcher?
Jade's Questions
1. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????!!!!!Sorry.
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripped dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
3. How do you continue to tolerate my stupidity?
4. Doesn't Trevor look like Martin Short? Why do you think that is?
5. Will I ever get to see you naked?
6. We know your feelings on Linnell, but what about Flans? Would you sex him up?
7. What is your favorite TMBG and why?
8. Where's my kangaroo?
9. What's with Clue...DO?
10. The idea/concept/reality of Vegemite is one of the only aspects of Australian culture that terrifies and sickens me, what in our American culture terrifies/sickens you and why?
11. Want to come and see my new place? You can live with me for a week then Heather then Matt and GC then Trevor.
12. If you could bang just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
13. If you had to kill just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
14. If you had to live with one forever who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
15. What would really make your day if you got it in the mail from me?
Will's Questions
1. Who is Lord over Greater Orlando and for how long?
Nigel Clarke is Lord over Greater Orlando, and has been since at least Christmas Eve, 1999. Some experts place the date of His Ascension earlier, perhaps back as far as when he taught Pele.
2. You have become the Ultimate Deity and have decided to make a planet. Describe this planet in detail in all aspects: environment, inhabitants, vegetation etc.
Will's simple directions for constructing my planet:
a) gather all material in the solar system.
b) pulverize it
c) use it to construct a huge sphere around the sun
d) creatively use heavy materials to generate desired gravity field, where "desired gravity field" means "gravity field sufficient to root fattys to the spot where they lay, helpless targets for the crusading fatty patrol"
e) sit back and wait for a huge meteor to impact the sphere with sufficent force to penetrate its surface
f) watch chaos ensue
g) laugh
h) retreat back to my home planet, which is something like Valhalla, except with hundreds of virgins for my amusement, and giant statues of you, me, and phil.
3. Think about the future.....where are you, Phil and I in the future?
Currently, Phil is trapped in Miami like it were a black hole. Similarly, New York City has you in its evil clutches. However, we will all be reunited in orbital Fatty Patrol HQ when this earth is laid to burnination.
4. Is there ANY WAY I could get you to move into New York City?
Yes, it is possible. You must first get me very rich, then eradicate about 90 percent of the city's population (including the Yankees, that homeless guy, and subway rats), clean up the city, demolish approximately 3 burroughs, and schedule TMBG to play at my welcome party. That would do it.
5. Describe your thought processes from start to finish involving that incident in Times Square at 4 in the morning.
Pre-incident: I am invincible
0.1 ms: This man undoubtably smells bad. Avoid him.
5 s: What -do- I mean, "what"?
6 s: Is he armed?
10 s: Yep, he's armed
11 s: Damn, Paul looks GOOD today.
12 s: Wait, what's going on?
14 s: Oh, right, armed homeless man.
15 s: Hi. Bruce Wayne.
16 s: Focus focus focus focus
17 s: That is definitely a bottle of Snapple
18 s: This bastard is not getting my wallet
20 s: Hmm...I bet I look silly fishing ones out of my wallet
25 s: See ya, sucker!
45 s: Let's go back and vaporize that asshole
Post incident: I am invincible.
6. Do you think John "The Smuggler" Linnell ever got his letter?
I'd like to think that that letter is like a time capsule. Somewhere down the road, at the end of the tour, when the glory has faded, and John is reduced to panhandling the streets of New York, he will miraculously find that letter in the trash. His (mechanical)heart will burst and he will die with a smile on his face.
7. You must kill either Phil or I. Think hard and tell which one and why.
Easy, I'd kill you. With a knife or blunt object. Because I know that I would never be successful, due to your resistant, ferro-plasti hide. That way, you and I could live together, locked in an endless dance of death. I could work on my stabbing muscles, which would better allow me to do the Gun Show joke, which I shall reclaim from Jade. This will help me meet our favorite bands, as it has for her. Knowing the bands we like, they probably won't be too put off by the fact that I am continually stabbing you. Heck, we may even get a place in a video!
8. You must felch either Phil or I. IMPULSE ANSWER!
I must find a dog to train. Why oh why do I even understand what this question means?
9. Here's very big what if...What if I was the norm? A brief description.
I believe I wrote a paper on this in grade 12. As I recall, it was even titled, "A Big What If". Ah, but that I could recover it. To briefly summarize: the NBA is much less popular. Race relations issues are briefly magnified, then a de facto solution is reached. Bowling alleys are constructed out of stainless, dent-resistant steel. The soft drink market is always dominated by one drink, although the identity of this drink changes about once every two years. Pinkie is hailed as a god-king. Geo Metro roofs are raised about 5 inches, and their trunks slightly expanded. Actually, I don't think any of that crap was in the original. John Linnell is deconstructed, his parts analyzed, and multiple copies are built. Do you have that? Can it be posted here?
10. Where do think Derek is right now? How did he get there?
Derek, formerly the leader of the Underground Resistance, killed an older man, and wears his skin. In this disguise, he ran for President under the psuedonym "General Wes Clark". Last night, he dropped out of the race, to pursue a career re-writing the works of great, dead authors. Along the way, he's has some adventures and made some friends, accompanied always by his faithful Saint Bernard, Winston.
11. Same question with Maggot Kid?
Throughout the years, Maggot Kid felt a continuing need to go DOWN. He originally thought this was due to his burrowing maggot nature, however, he has since come to grips with the fact that this is simply a "gut" reaction to his obesity, and to his rudimentary understanding that by going underneath a percentage of the Earth's mass, gravity will be effectively lower. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan, given gravity's inverse square relationship with distance! However, MK was never known for his smarts. Still, he found a happy solution, and retreated to the Dead Sea, the lowest place on earth. Here, the bouyancy force of the salty water makes him feel spry and nimble, so that he can order deep-fried twinkies with impunity.
12. Why haven't I received a basket of brie and Basque berets?
Because I don't know your address.
13. When are you getting back and what are your plans and where shall the party be?
When am I getting back? Errr... who knows. Maybe August (I graduate at the end of July). Maybe September, if I travel or have to return to Thailand to finish up work after graduation. Maybe Summer 2005 if I go to school in Paris. But the party will be grand, whenever I return. My plans were deterred when Wesley Willis died, but I will not be defeated. Think "WayneStock", but with cooler bands. Hosted by Bruce Wayne. Start planning now!
Christina's Questions
1. What do you hate most about me. No bullshit.
2. If you had a penis, what would you do with it?
3. Whose life story would you like to write/direct a film about?
4. What's the next sexual arabesque would you like to try?
5. If you had to take one human life who would you kill?
Sorry if any of you don't like your questions. Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck off and die and answer these in a timely fashion.
Everything About Me You Don't Really Care to Know
Sorry to do this but...
Name: Guido M. Paparazzi
Birthdate: 25 January, 1981
Birthplace: Greenwich, CT
Current Location: Manhattan, NY
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Glorious
Height: 6'8
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Sign: Aquarius
Your heritage: Half British, half Irish
The shoes you wore today: So far, none.
Your weakness: Too loud.
Your fears: The creeping numbness standing beside you!!!
Your perfect pizza: New York pizza, with cheese.
Goal you'd like to achieve: a purified race, just kidding. Fortune and glory, plus, eradication of ignorance.
Your most overused phrase on AIM or Yahoo: dig
Thoughts first waking up: margleblughytjolkom
Your best physical feature: Dick bone or my rock hard abs…touch my abs, touch my abs with your DECK…
Your bedtime: Between 3 and 4 unless I’m tired or not tired.
Your most cherished memory: Numerous occasions with Phil and Will: for fun. Numerous occasions with Christina: for mushy stuff.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke, pref. Vanilla.
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald’s. A Big Mac will always beat a Whopper.
Single or group dates: Single, double/triple/etc dating is a rather twaty concept.
--Adidas or Nike: NIKE! Keep those lazy 4-year olds working. Learn them the value of 3 cents.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Cool by Nestea. All I drank after my eye work.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
Smoke: Never.
Cuss: Fucking a.
Sing: Only with an all Broadway cast.
Take a shower everyday: About five times a week. I like that sexy look my hair gets when my natural oils try to swallow it.
Have a crush(es): Every day in every way.
Do you think you've been in love: Think so.
Do you want to go to college: I want to go back sometimes, for the Morning Star bacon cheeseburgers and mozzarella fries and the HBO.
Want to get married: Not now! Jesus…
Believe in yourself: What’s the alternative? Fade into nothingness?
Get motion sickness: Only when I bring it upon myself, reading and stuff.
Think you're attractive: That’s not important…do YOU think I’m attractive.
Think you're a health freak: Not a HEALTH freak…
Get along with your parent(s): The less I’m around them.
Like thunderstorms: yes
Play an instrument: sort of, self taught piano.
In the past month have you:
Drank alcohol: yes
Smoked: no
Done a drugs: no
Had Sex: yes
Made out: yes
Gone on a date: ?
Gone to the mall: no
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
Eaten sushi: no
Been on stage: no
Gone skating: no
Made homemade cookies: no, eaten them.
Gone skinny dipping: no (NYC in Feb…fuck you)
Dyed your hair: no
Stolen anything: a homeless man’s ass cherry
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes.
If so, was it mixed company: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been called a tease: Only by Kaitlyn.
Gotten beaten up: HA.
Shoplifted: no
Age you hope to be married: Whatever.
Numbers and Names of Children: There is not enough space to go into this here.
Describe your dream wedding: Everything typical but James Bond is the priest.
How do you want to die: Not a matter of how I WANT to die. I will be killed by a minority.
Where you want to go to college: Deep Springs University
What do you want to be when you grow up: Tall
What country would you most like to visit: Venus.
In a guy/girl...
Best eye colour: Blue/green, along those lines.
Best hair colour: Dark hair.
Short or long hair: long, oh jesus long.
Height: I would have said about 6 feet or so, but height really doesn’t matter…it’s the angle that matters…
Best weight: Single digits. Me and a shinbone? Rowr.
Best articles of clothing: Hats. So various! So expressive! I need more fun hats.
Best first date location: Someplace where you can French.
Best first kiss location: My dick..
Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
Number of CDs that I own: 300 or more.
Number of piercings: 0, no thanks, I got all the holes I need…and some I don’t…
Number of tattoos: 0, what would look cool and mean something now that would do the same in 70 years?
Number of times my picture has appeared in the newspaper: 4 or 5 from when I was Hagrid at B&N. Note: I have yet to SEE these pictures, but I am assured they exist.
Number of scars on my body: 4 external (hernia, varicoselectomy and my finger on my right hand, back of my head from when the babysitter left me alone and I fell over…fucking cunt., numerous in and on my eyes and countless emotional scars.
Number of things in my past that you regret: I have few real regrets, but OH MY GOD are they painful.
Name: Guido M. Paparazzi
Birthdate: 25 January, 1981
Birthplace: Greenwich, CT
Current Location: Manhattan, NY
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Glorious
Height: 6'8
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Sign: Aquarius
Your heritage: Half British, half Irish
The shoes you wore today: So far, none.
Your weakness: Too loud.
Your fears: The creeping numbness standing beside you!!!
Your perfect pizza: New York pizza, with cheese.
Goal you'd like to achieve: a purified race, just kidding. Fortune and glory, plus, eradication of ignorance.
Your most overused phrase on AIM or Yahoo: dig
Thoughts first waking up: margleblughytjolkom
Your best physical feature: Dick bone or my rock hard abs…touch my abs, touch my abs with your DECK…
Your bedtime: Between 3 and 4 unless I’m tired or not tired.
Your most cherished memory: Numerous occasions with Phil and Will: for fun. Numerous occasions with Christina: for mushy stuff.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke, pref. Vanilla.
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald’s. A Big Mac will always beat a Whopper.
Single or group dates: Single, double/triple/etc dating is a rather twaty concept.
--Adidas or Nike: NIKE! Keep those lazy 4-year olds working. Learn them the value of 3 cents.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Cool by Nestea. All I drank after my eye work.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
Smoke: Never.
Cuss: Fucking a.
Sing: Only with an all Broadway cast.
Take a shower everyday: About five times a week. I like that sexy look my hair gets when my natural oils try to swallow it.
Have a crush(es): Every day in every way.
Do you think you've been in love: Think so.
Do you want to go to college: I want to go back sometimes, for the Morning Star bacon cheeseburgers and mozzarella fries and the HBO.
Want to get married: Not now! Jesus…
Believe in yourself: What’s the alternative? Fade into nothingness?
Get motion sickness: Only when I bring it upon myself, reading and stuff.
Think you're attractive: That’s not important…do YOU think I’m attractive.
Think you're a health freak: Not a HEALTH freak…
Get along with your parent(s): The less I’m around them.
Like thunderstorms: yes
Play an instrument: sort of, self taught piano.
In the past month have you:
Drank alcohol: yes
Smoked: no
Done a drugs: no
Had Sex: yes
Made out: yes
Gone on a date: ?
Gone to the mall: no
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
Eaten sushi: no
Been on stage: no
Gone skating: no
Made homemade cookies: no, eaten them.
Gone skinny dipping: no (NYC in Feb…fuck you)
Dyed your hair: no
Stolen anything: a homeless man’s ass cherry
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes.
If so, was it mixed company: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been called a tease: Only by Kaitlyn.
Gotten beaten up: HA.
Shoplifted: no
Age you hope to be married: Whatever.
Numbers and Names of Children: There is not enough space to go into this here.
Describe your dream wedding: Everything typical but James Bond is the priest.
How do you want to die: Not a matter of how I WANT to die. I will be killed by a minority.
Where you want to go to college: Deep Springs University
What do you want to be when you grow up: Tall
What country would you most like to visit: Venus.
In a guy/girl...
Best eye colour: Blue/green, along those lines.
Best hair colour: Dark hair.
Short or long hair: long, oh jesus long.
Height: I would have said about 6 feet or so, but height really doesn’t matter…it’s the angle that matters…
Best weight: Single digits. Me and a shinbone? Rowr.
Best articles of clothing: Hats. So various! So expressive! I need more fun hats.
Best first date location: Someplace where you can French.
Best first kiss location: My dick..
Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
Number of CDs that I own: 300 or more.
Number of piercings: 0, no thanks, I got all the holes I need…and some I don’t…
Number of tattoos: 0, what would look cool and mean something now that would do the same in 70 years?
Number of times my picture has appeared in the newspaper: 4 or 5 from when I was Hagrid at B&N. Note: I have yet to SEE these pictures, but I am assured they exist.
Number of scars on my body: 4 external (hernia, varicoselectomy and my finger on my right hand, back of my head from when the babysitter left me alone and I fell over…fucking cunt., numerous in and on my eyes and countless emotional scars.
Number of things in my past that you regret: I have few real regrets, but OH MY GOD are they painful.
While you were sleeping...
5:48 AM
Listening to two exhausted street-ass brothas having a conversation is quite an experience. Vowels and consonants scattered everywhere. Some I've never heard before. To the casual listener, one might think they were naming their favorite Lovecraft “Indescribables”. I decided to write this because, after being up since five am (getting on and off sleep ‘til about ten) my fabric is a bit frayed and I can very clearly see myself standing up from my forgotten place behind my tower of beeps and lights and screaming “Use your tongue correctly! Say the words, don’t chew them!” A part of my mind sniffs, looks down its brain-nose and thinks loudly, they wouldn’t last a day in my advanced Vocal Tech class…I could picture myself doing that or something else that would get me shot. I feel evil all around me. I am VERY unsettled to learn that earlier this week a resident accidentally killed another mere feet from the office in which I now sit. What is this buzzing? Voices from the Umbra? Ether Beings asking me questions? No salvation for over an hour. Lies fly like darts around my friends. I sit very still in the middle so I won’t get cut. These here darts got barbs. I’m the only employee here who doesn’t wear a uniform and my handwriting is Unchartable. every hollow word. It’s always night here. Dead and cold like the body in the morgue. They all try to make small talk with me, but it doesn’t work then they get scared then insulted.
f r o m l a s t t i m e
“So, you reading that Fight Club book?”
“Yes.”
“The movie Fight Club book?” DIRECT QUOTE
“Yes.”
“Good?”
“(insert my honest opinion of the book)”
“…oh, iight…”
s I l e n c e
The longer I’m here, the lower the ceiling gets. One day, I’ll have to wait outside. One day, I’ll be too tall for everything and I’ll just wait outside.
00:59:00…
Listening to two exhausted street-ass brothas having a conversation is quite an experience. Vowels and consonants scattered everywhere. Some I've never heard before. To the casual listener, one might think they were naming their favorite Lovecraft “Indescribables”. I decided to write this because, after being up since five am (getting on and off sleep ‘til about ten) my fabric is a bit frayed and I can very clearly see myself standing up from my forgotten place behind my tower of beeps and lights and screaming “Use your tongue correctly! Say the words, don’t chew them!” A part of my mind sniffs, looks down its brain-nose and thinks loudly, they wouldn’t last a day in my advanced Vocal Tech class…I could picture myself doing that or something else that would get me shot. I feel evil all around me. I am VERY unsettled to learn that earlier this week a resident accidentally killed another mere feet from the office in which I now sit. What is this buzzing? Voices from the Umbra? Ether Beings asking me questions? No salvation for over an hour. Lies fly like darts around my friends. I sit very still in the middle so I won’t get cut. These here darts got barbs. I’m the only employee here who doesn’t wear a uniform and my handwriting is Unchartable. every hollow word. It’s always night here. Dead and cold like the body in the morgue. They all try to make small talk with me, but it doesn’t work then they get scared then insulted.
f r o m l a s t t i m e
“So, you reading that Fight Club book?”
“Yes.”
“The movie Fight Club book?” DIRECT QUOTE
“Yes.”
“Good?”
“(insert my honest opinion of the book)”
“…oh, iight…”
s I l e n c e
The longer I’m here, the lower the ceiling gets. One day, I’ll have to wait outside. One day, I’ll be too tall for everything and I’ll just wait outside.
00:59:00…
2.09.2004
Why do we hurt the one we love?
For instance, I love myself. I received a phone call at 11:30 this morning while I was still sleeping trying to regain my momentum after being woken up by a terrified Christina at 5 a fucking m, from my other job at the hospital. I saw the number and thought, hm maybe it's them reminding me I'm working this weekend. So I wait for my phone to stop ringing and for the message thing to appear. I check the message and it's Angie asking if I can work tonight from 11pm to 7am. Urp. Meaning that I am awake now (noon) I have to go to Roundabout at 4 and work til 9, get home at 9:40, have an hour or so before I have to sit in a quiet room underground for 8 hours and then get home at 7:03 and sleep til 3 so I can go to work tomorrow. Why do this to myself? A. I get A LOT of money from the hospital and I have no problem taking money from an institution such as THAT. B. I’m always curious about how much of what I can take (tequila, sleep deprivation, etc). I called her back and accepted because I want to see how far I can stretch my tall self.
In another area of my self, I am having a pretty good month so far (knock wood). First off, my rent check cleared leaving me with a somewhat paltry sum, but that sum will be greatly increased by my (4) weekly checks from Roundabout (nothing new), my (5) payments from the hospital (which pays like dirty good) and a few days ago I just got y Nike check (SCHWING!). I have decided to reward myself by buying a copy of The Simpsons Hit and Run video game for PS2. The game is basically Grand Theft Auto but with the Simpsons. The writers from the show wrote everything in the game, the artists did all the art and the voices from the show are all there. Really stoked. Good month.
Also, I was reflecting on this yesterday, Live Journal is mainly a tool for staying in touch with people you never see (or people you always see and want to know every detail of your LIFE), I don’t think there’s a lot of truth in it at all. Almost everyone I know who is a Live Journalist has a real, paper journal that they keep hidden from the world. Honestly, say Lisa had a huge problem with Marc…would she really post it on the Internet? If Chris ever had a steamy encounter with a lesbian, would she really post it here? If Kaitlyn finally came to grips with and admitted her huge crush on me (like she tried to do when she’s drunk…), would she put it on her Live Journal? Same with Denise? And Alan? Of course not, that would take the fun and hypocrisy out of it. Nary a relevant truth to be found. Welcome to Bush’s Live Journal community. Crazy.
In other news, really looking forward to Survivor. I hope Richard’s dirty little bugfucker gets bitten off.
And, I am working on a massive project for Jade. Should be cool.
In another area of my self, I am having a pretty good month so far (knock wood). First off, my rent check cleared leaving me with a somewhat paltry sum, but that sum will be greatly increased by my (4) weekly checks from Roundabout (nothing new), my (5) payments from the hospital (which pays like dirty good) and a few days ago I just got y Nike check (SCHWING!). I have decided to reward myself by buying a copy of The Simpsons Hit and Run video game for PS2. The game is basically Grand Theft Auto but with the Simpsons. The writers from the show wrote everything in the game, the artists did all the art and the voices from the show are all there. Really stoked. Good month.
Also, I was reflecting on this yesterday, Live Journal is mainly a tool for staying in touch with people you never see (or people you always see and want to know every detail of your LIFE), I don’t think there’s a lot of truth in it at all. Almost everyone I know who is a Live Journalist has a real, paper journal that they keep hidden from the world. Honestly, say Lisa had a huge problem with Marc…would she really post it on the Internet? If Chris ever had a steamy encounter with a lesbian, would she really post it here? If Kaitlyn finally came to grips with and admitted her huge crush on me (like she tried to do when she’s drunk…), would she put it on her Live Journal? Same with Denise? And Alan? Of course not, that would take the fun and hypocrisy out of it. Nary a relevant truth to be found. Welcome to Bush’s Live Journal community. Crazy.
In other news, really looking forward to Survivor. I hope Richard’s dirty little bugfucker gets bitten off.
And, I am working on a massive project for Jade. Should be cool.
2.05.2004
You can view this at work with sound.
Cake is a great band. Every week they have a new and interesting link on their web site. This is this week's link. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/presaddress2.shtml Listen closely.
One more...
I think you will all scream.
http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/
Now just go to www.rathergood.com because there is a lot of great shit here.
http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/
Now just go to www.rathergood.com because there is a lot of great shit here.
Here's some good shit.
This not only has monkeys...but the wrong bananas as well.
http://www.rathergood.com/bananas/
This will made you laugh out loud for a minute or so, then it gets old. Look at their faces!!!!!
http://www.rathergood.com/laibach/
This will just make you wet yourself, a lot.
http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/
Enjooooy.
http://www.rathergood.com/bananas/
This will made you laugh out loud for a minute or so, then it gets old. Look at their faces!!!!!
http://www.rathergood.com/laibach/
This will just make you wet yourself, a lot.
http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/
Enjooooy.
Jade's questions...answered...
1. What will kill you faster, a giant wombat or a blue-tongue lizard?
It depends on if the wombat has a gun or a knife and if the blue-tongue lizard is having an off day. Then you're fucked.
2. Why is Jade the one you love the most?
Possibly a combination of the accent, the exposure to all things Aussie, her inability to remember things when she's drunk, the Gun Show, the Gun Show while drunk, her gentle Australian subtlety, her ability to take all of Phil's shots, her quickness to snatch and hide the photos and the fact that I met her at a TMBG concert.
3. How many tim tams fit in the average-size mouth?
2 or 3.
4. How many can Jade fit in her mouth?
Ahem, next question , please.
5. When will Jade post Paul's present?
About two weeks before I get it.
6. Why are all the questions about Jade?
What else does the Universe revolve around?
7. Would you rather be in a small room with an irate brown snake or an irate collet's snake?
both. Hell, put some deadly spiders in there while you're at it, I will have either died from a heart attack, brain aneurysm or self inflicted boomerang wound.
8. Does this guy freak you out more than Linnell does?
Linnell. This guy might breed and sell snakes, but Linnell is the one who will use them in unholy, robot-with-a-wig ceremonies.
9. Who is the best Dan and why?
Ooh, tough one. Wienkauf because he plays bass and thrusts his pelvis, Hickey because he beats the shit out of those skins and Miller because of that hat. Actually, Miller all the way because, the hat, obviously, but also, after the Orlando show at the Hard Rock Cafe, he saw mw out front and said "Hey! Tall guy!" and then he proceeded to talk to my father for about 5 minutes. He wins.
10. Is it possible to wrench a toilet from a wall using only your immense girth?
Strangely enough any and all toilets who would testify to this fact have been wrenched from the wall by certain fat peoples' immense girth...puzzling...
11. re: Paul, Will, Phil: I predict that one of you will grow so fat that you have to buy special Fat Man socks at fat man stores to fit over your fat man calves. One of you will marry a hugely fat woman and the other will develop an eating disorder. Which event happens to which?
I can see Phil getting the eating disorder since his metabolism is so good he begins to think he can never get fat then eats a lot. then he gets freaked out and vomits it up repeat until bulimic. As for the other? Neither. We'll both be long dead before we have intercourse with a fat person or become one ourselves. We made a pact.
12. Who would win in a fight between Dylan Parotta and Ryan Dever? Why? I believe Dylan would. He and Ryan would go at it and Ryan world start winning because of his wiriness. Then Dylan would collapse screaming, "THE CANCER'S GOT ME! CALL A DOCTOR!" Ryan would turn to call the doctor and Dylan would stab him in the neck. Bam.
13. Kylie Minogue or Shirley from Garbage, who is hotter?
SHIRLEY! She's Scottish while Kylie is Canadian. Shirley is always sexy whereas Kylie is sometimes silly (Your Disco Needs You, although that is a great song) and overall, Shirley is more smoky and curvaceous while Kylie is more bubbly and bony. Also, Shirley did a James Bond title song. Rock.
14. A brief (1500 words) essay on the topic: Jade is awesome. Discuss.
(see entry Sunday, January 18th, 2004)
Jade's Answer Key
1. I wouldn't mess with either of them
2. Correct
3. 3
4. 5
5. Hopefully monday
6. because she is extremely self-centred
7. see question 1
8. noone freaks us out more than Linnell
9. Wienkauf, because there is something about him that is extremely hot.
10. yes, it is
11. Paul will get fat, Will will marry a fat chick, Phil will develop an eating disorder
12. I'm not sure. Dylan would definately play the cancer card, then do something sneaky, but I think Marielle would step on at this point and lay the smack down.
13. Correct
14. true that.
It depends on if the wombat has a gun or a knife and if the blue-tongue lizard is having an off day. Then you're fucked.
2. Why is Jade the one you love the most?
Possibly a combination of the accent, the exposure to all things Aussie, her inability to remember things when she's drunk, the Gun Show, the Gun Show while drunk, her gentle Australian subtlety, her ability to take all of Phil's shots, her quickness to snatch and hide the photos and the fact that I met her at a TMBG concert.
3. How many tim tams fit in the average-size mouth?
2 or 3.
4. How many can Jade fit in her mouth?
Ahem, next question , please.
5. When will Jade post Paul's present?
About two weeks before I get it.
6. Why are all the questions about Jade?
What else does the Universe revolve around?
7. Would you rather be in a small room with an irate brown snake or an irate collet's snake?
both. Hell, put some deadly spiders in there while you're at it, I will have either died from a heart attack, brain aneurysm or self inflicted boomerang wound.
8. Does this guy freak you out more than Linnell does?
Linnell. This guy might breed and sell snakes, but Linnell is the one who will use them in unholy, robot-with-a-wig ceremonies.
9. Who is the best Dan and why?
Ooh, tough one. Wienkauf because he plays bass and thrusts his pelvis, Hickey because he beats the shit out of those skins and Miller because of that hat. Actually, Miller all the way because, the hat, obviously, but also, after the Orlando show at the Hard Rock Cafe, he saw mw out front and said "Hey! Tall guy!" and then he proceeded to talk to my father for about 5 minutes. He wins.
10. Is it possible to wrench a toilet from a wall using only your immense girth?
Strangely enough any and all toilets who would testify to this fact have been wrenched from the wall by certain fat peoples' immense girth...puzzling...
11. re: Paul, Will, Phil: I predict that one of you will grow so fat that you have to buy special Fat Man socks at fat man stores to fit over your fat man calves. One of you will marry a hugely fat woman and the other will develop an eating disorder. Which event happens to which?
I can see Phil getting the eating disorder since his metabolism is so good he begins to think he can never get fat then eats a lot. then he gets freaked out and vomits it up repeat until bulimic. As for the other? Neither. We'll both be long dead before we have intercourse with a fat person or become one ourselves. We made a pact.
12. Who would win in a fight between Dylan Parotta and Ryan Dever? Why? I believe Dylan would. He and Ryan would go at it and Ryan world start winning because of his wiriness. Then Dylan would collapse screaming, "THE CANCER'S GOT ME! CALL A DOCTOR!" Ryan would turn to call the doctor and Dylan would stab him in the neck. Bam.
13. Kylie Minogue or Shirley from Garbage, who is hotter?
SHIRLEY! She's Scottish while Kylie is Canadian. Shirley is always sexy whereas Kylie is sometimes silly (Your Disco Needs You, although that is a great song) and overall, Shirley is more smoky and curvaceous while Kylie is more bubbly and bony. Also, Shirley did a James Bond title song. Rock.
14. A brief (1500 words) essay on the topic: Jade is awesome. Discuss.
(see entry Sunday, January 18th, 2004)
Jade's Answer Key
1. I wouldn't mess with either of them
2. Correct
3. 3
4. 5
5. Hopefully monday
6. because she is extremely self-centred
7. see question 1
8. noone freaks us out more than Linnell
9. Wienkauf, because there is something about him that is extremely hot.
10. yes, it is
11. Paul will get fat, Will will marry a fat chick, Phil will develop an eating disorder
12. I'm not sure. Dylan would definately play the cancer card, then do something sneaky, but I think Marielle would step on at this point and lay the smack down.
13. Correct
14. true that.
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