Worked at the hospital last weekend...

9:04 AM
By the Sweet Smooth Nipples of Jesus the Christ SHUT THE GOD DAMN FUCK UP ABOUT THE SHITTING WEDDING. Ef ah want git made in a chuch, I anie got pay no fo hunnid in sitty fie dallahs an no hunnid fitty fo no REhusal…I have been listening to this fucking women talk on the phone since 8:45 (she’s talking as I write) about how someone she knows is getting married and the church is charging $465 for the wedding…that’s it. It took me maybe 10 seconds to write that fucking sentence. 10 seconds. SHE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR OVER 15 MINUTES. And when I stumbled in at 7 she was recounting her trip with a group of friends to Sin City (the strip club in the Sopranos). I had to endure about an hour of her retelling the story AS EACH CHARACTER (based on her impression of the other people it seems as if she went with were mockingbird demons from Hell). And when the person she was talking to left and a new one came in…hey! Let’s hit rewind on the Stupid Noise Machine! This time can we have more shrieking? There we go, I think your voice has actually lacerated the surface of my brain, thanks. Fuck you, Alexander Graham Bell. Fuck you for inventing your Devil Talker. And fuck you God for inventing that part of the human brain that makes loud people stupid and stupid people loud. And that part that makes these people repetitive also. And fuck you and your culture, Paul. Why? Because the fucking white man is responsible for making a perfectly good human being, NO DIFFERENT from you except in skin color, sound like they have tube socks in their mouths when they talk. Dr. Clara Rodriguez was right. This is your fucking fault. It’s time I took responsibility. Bruce from the Kids in the Hall is sorry for all the cancer, I am sorry for uneducating (deeducating/dumbening/retarding whatever) black people. I’m sorry for slavery and oppression and inequality and 40 ounces and popularizing saggy pants and mauling English and you fucking name it. Also, I’m sorry I tried to correct my mistakes with violence. It worked at first, Biggie Smalls and TuPac are perfect examples of that, but then things went bad. I shot ghetto lad in the leg, he survived and started limping AND NOW THEY ALL DO IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL! And 50 Cent? Yeah I REALLY fucked up there. NINE TIMES! NINE FUCKING TIMES! FUCK! Which brings be back to the chattering dimwit to my left. This is what they call “irony”. You need a definition? My life. I set about uneducating black people and now I find myself surrounded by them. I am my own torturer. And you know, acceptance really doesn’t make anything better. However, I have a box of Everlasting Gobstoppers here and if she continues blithering about this wedding, I’ll test just how everlasting they are when they are poured, by the dozen, down one’s throat. Only 9 ½ hours to go…

BASIC TRANSLATION
yes = yeh / ya / yu / uh
no = nuh / naw / nu / ung
right = rait
wrong = ron
ten = tin
twenty = twinny
thirty = furty
forty = foty
fifty = fitty
sixty = sitty
seventy = sedinty
eighty = eddy
ninty = niny
hundred = hunnid
together = tuhgevuh
with you = wichu
this = dis
style = stahl
I ain’t here to raaab you = Give me all of your money.

Some part of me wants to hear her speak French…
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Last week, I was walking outside and saw the first bud of spring. I saw it again this week and it was dead from the cold. Fuck.