A Big What If
I was just interrupted in my studies by an important news break: a confidential insider report has revealed to me that a young girl was killed by her father for running up $25,000 in fees owed to the Psychic Network. Not to sound morbidly insensitive or anything, but you just have to wonder about people like that. Obviously, something was wrong with both the father and the daughter. How on Earth does someone run up $25,000 in phone bills? Did she just leave the phone off the hook? Why didn’t any notice beforehand and try to stop her? Did the psychics warn her that she would soon be chopped into 7 pieces by her vengeful, chain-saw-wielding father? Anyway, this strange news break made me thing of a conversation I had early this weekend with Philip Tucker (’98) on the subject of fellow Highlander Paul (’99). The theme of our topic was this: what if Paul was the norm? That is to say, what if the majority of people in this world were like Paul? My guess is that the world would be a very crazy place. In case you don’t know Paul, I will give a brief description of him in order to make this more pointful. Paul is the hulking, lumbering giant you have probably noticed lurking about campus. He is forced to wear special sunglasses constantly in order to restrain his mutant ability to fire high-powered laser beams from his eyes. Paul has no home—he is a drifter, a wanderer, a nomad, a vagabond, call him what you will. For some reason, this creature has made Lake Highland his home. He can often be often be seen kidnapping young children and trying to subvert them to his evil, dark ways. The poor little innocent children will return weeks later, totally brainwashed. No more are they ‘innocent.’ Now, they will run about, screeching in terrible voices, quoting bizarre sources such as Marilyn Manson, and just generally being a lot taller than they were before. Occasionally, these little children will not return at all, but instead their bodies will be found months later, totally mutilated in some pagan ritual. Paul baffles modern science. His body structure is unknown—the material he is made from must be strong enough to support his massive twelve foot seven frame, yet still flexible enough to allow him to bend in all directions like a snake. Countless thousands have been slain by his deadly eye-beams, and many more have been torn apart by his sharp tigerlike claws and fangs. He continues to evade local, national, and international police forces, sometimes living in dark underground caves for months at a time to evade detection. Paul does not speak English, but rather he communicates in the language of the squirrels, chattering constantly while clutching little nutshells in his huge, oafish hands. Well, perhaps, I exaggerate a little. But not very much. Most of that is true. But, it is close enough for our purposes. So, imagine a world much like our own, except that it is populated by several billion Pauls. What the devil would this place look like? My first guess would have to be that it would look a lot shorter by comparison. I mean, that Paul guy is pretty darn tall. Whooo, baby. Yes siree, he is rather on the tall side. Other than that, though, I think that the world be exactly the same. A little shorter, but otherwise the same. Not what you were expecting, was it? You were expecting some weird desert planet, with fleeting shapes scuttling quickly across the horizon, and hideous bird things pecking at wooden planks. But that would only happen if everyone were more like Owl Boy.
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