...but not for me.
Never for me.
Just kidding.
Just found out that TMBG are playing two shows at Joe's Pub at 9pm and 11pm on Wednesday the 16th of May.
I will probably just go to the 11 o'clock show.
You should come.
Seriously.
You should!
We could hang out before and get dinner or something.
Maybe share a soda?
And a glance...
Also, I am in that shitty, short and unappetizing baseball play this weekend.
It's called something or other and it's playing as part of a series of plays about baseball (the fuck?) at 5pm on Saturday and Sunday.
The address of the theater is 123 E. 24th street and that's really all I know.
I think the whole program is called the Sports Complex or some fucking thing.
Don't bother showing up unless you want to see me wearing baseball pants and pretending to give a shit about baseball.
And I'll do that for free if you want to just make an appointment.
Had a very solid audition today which I probably won't get because WHITEY IS KEEPING ME DOWN.
Have a VO audition for a "personal lubricant" called (I shit ye not) "Jiggalube".
There is a small chance I misheard my guy but I seriously hope not.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Jiggalube.
3.14.2007
You can't get anywhere staring at the one you love.
So this guy, Jonathan Lethem, has this project called "The Promiscuous Materials Project".
He wrote a bunch of lyrics over the past 20 years and put them up for anyone at all to make into something.
Linnell has recently recorded a version of one of the songs and it's really great.
It's called "The Second Longest Night" and can be listened to here.
Enjoy.
He wrote a bunch of lyrics over the past 20 years and put them up for anyone at all to make into something.
Linnell has recently recorded a version of one of the songs and it's really great.
It's called "The Second Longest Night" and can be listened to here.
Enjoy.
3.13.2007
Goat Toast
3.13.07
4:58 PM
So I was just flipping through a phone book to find the number to a Barnes & Noble (it's a new chain of strip clubs. Very classy...) and I saw an ad for an abortion...place.
Clinic seems a bit tongue in cheek.
Anyway, the ad has a sexy picture of three girls on a beach, enjoying their newly empty uteruses, one would assume.
"We treat you special" was a phrase that kept popping up.
The small mistake in grammar made that one VERY unsettling.
On the next page was an ad for what, at first glance, appeared to be a whorish modeling agency.
Nope.
Abortion place.
There were three headshots with quotes running down the right side of the page.
"I felt special here"
"They made me feel safe"
"The staff was terrific"
Again, rather off putting.
Also, all three girls were Latinas and looking like they would be seen in the same abortion place time and time again.
I guess there's no real standard for phone book advertising?
If not, I have GOT to start opening businesses simply to advertise in there.
Today, I have no need for time wasting suggestions, because I HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN!!!!!
First off, to the bank to deposit MY FULL SECURITY DEPOSIT!!!!
Once that check clears I can start sending boxes of shit to Mark Scharfman and making lewd and threatening phone calls.
Maybe from my new LIC number.
Next, to Duane Reade to pick up some Stopples.
I LOVE STOPPLES!
And no, they are not suppositories, although that would be an excellent name for them.
Then to Best Buy to pick up Casino Royale (yeah, I kind of forgot to finish typing up the rest of those reviews. Maybe someday since there has been such outcry for them....) and to look into photo printers, photo paper and ink.
Chris and I have decided to do something creative with our massive fucking hallway.
Then, maybe, to Gamestop to maybe pick up the new God of War game.
It's a very solid game (the first one) and the second one is apparently, more of the same but with some xmax thrown in to tickle the gaming community's collective pickle.
However, it just came out and paying $50+ for a video game that will be $20 in a month or two is stupid.
Then again...I AM pretty stupid...
7:12 PM
The GOW decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that it is sold out in a lot of places.
Well then.
I bought Casino Royale.
I bought Stopples.
I researched photo printers.
I ate pizza.
Very thorough break.
Only 5,649,140 to go before I'm a millionaire and can quit.
9:34 PM
"We need a Best Man"
"Ook."
"Well, at least put some clothes on."
4:58 PM
So I was just flipping through a phone book to find the number to a Barnes & Noble (it's a new chain of strip clubs. Very classy...) and I saw an ad for an abortion...place.
Clinic seems a bit tongue in cheek.
Anyway, the ad has a sexy picture of three girls on a beach, enjoying their newly empty uteruses, one would assume.
"We treat you special" was a phrase that kept popping up.
The small mistake in grammar made that one VERY unsettling.
On the next page was an ad for what, at first glance, appeared to be a whorish modeling agency.
Nope.
Abortion place.
There were three headshots with quotes running down the right side of the page.
"I felt special here"
"They made me feel safe"
"The staff was terrific"
Again, rather off putting.
Also, all three girls were Latinas and looking like they would be seen in the same abortion place time and time again.
I guess there's no real standard for phone book advertising?
If not, I have GOT to start opening businesses simply to advertise in there.
Today, I have no need for time wasting suggestions, because I HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN!!!!!
First off, to the bank to deposit MY FULL SECURITY DEPOSIT!!!!
Once that check clears I can start sending boxes of shit to Mark Scharfman and making lewd and threatening phone calls.
Maybe from my new LIC number.
Next, to Duane Reade to pick up some Stopples.
I LOVE STOPPLES!
And no, they are not suppositories, although that would be an excellent name for them.
Then to Best Buy to pick up Casino Royale (yeah, I kind of forgot to finish typing up the rest of those reviews. Maybe someday since there has been such outcry for them....) and to look into photo printers, photo paper and ink.
Chris and I have decided to do something creative with our massive fucking hallway.
Then, maybe, to Gamestop to maybe pick up the new God of War game.
It's a very solid game (the first one) and the second one is apparently, more of the same but with some xmax thrown in to tickle the gaming community's collective pickle.
However, it just came out and paying $50+ for a video game that will be $20 in a month or two is stupid.
Then again...I AM pretty stupid...
7:12 PM
The GOW decision was taken out of my hands by the fact that it is sold out in a lot of places.
Well then.
I bought Casino Royale.
I bought Stopples.
I researched photo printers.
I ate pizza.
Very thorough break.
Only 5,649,140 to go before I'm a millionaire and can quit.
9:34 PM
"We need a Best Man"
"Ook."
"Well, at least put some clothes on."
3.09.2007
I don't care if I never come back...
3.7.07
8:37 PM
Today I stood behind someone on the train with a perfect buzzcut.
Every bristle seemed to be the same length.
I barely resisted the urge to just run my hands over it and purr like a cat.
Nothing much else to say.
Oh, I found all about that play I'm in.
It's called "Home Run Hitters Drive Cadillacs" and, unless you give any type of shit about baseball, do not bother to see it
It is part of an evening of theatre about sports.
Again, that's theatre about sports.
You know, like a KKK Bake Sale for the United Negro College Fund.
The play is painfully dull yet mercifully short.
I get to tell a story about a prostitute with a wooden leg.
The other problem is the two other guys in it and the director are all big on baseball whereas I couldn't give a shit with the aid of laxatives so the rehearsals yet to come, if the first was any indication, will consist of twenty minutes to run through the play twice and then fifty minutes of talking about baseball.
Whoop dee fuck.
Well, I suppose this is what acting is all about: pretending you like baseball.
I will be watching 'Bull Durham' tonight to learn a bit more about minor league baseball (which the play is about).
Fucking baseball.
I can't even say it's my least favorite sport because I care so little about them that I haven't even sifted through the lot to designate just how little I care about them.
Is it weird that being Baby Kermit the Frog and Satan was more fun than this?
*****************************************************************************
Watched 'Bull Durham'.
Good movie, but I still don't give a squirt about baseball.
8:37 PM
Today I stood behind someone on the train with a perfect buzzcut.
Every bristle seemed to be the same length.
I barely resisted the urge to just run my hands over it and purr like a cat.
Nothing much else to say.
Oh, I found all about that play I'm in.
It's called "Home Run Hitters Drive Cadillacs" and, unless you give any type of shit about baseball, do not bother to see it
It is part of an evening of theatre about sports.
Again, that's theatre about sports.
You know, like a KKK Bake Sale for the United Negro College Fund.
The play is painfully dull yet mercifully short.
I get to tell a story about a prostitute with a wooden leg.
The other problem is the two other guys in it and the director are all big on baseball whereas I couldn't give a shit with the aid of laxatives so the rehearsals yet to come, if the first was any indication, will consist of twenty minutes to run through the play twice and then fifty minutes of talking about baseball.
Whoop dee fuck.
Well, I suppose this is what acting is all about: pretending you like baseball.
I will be watching 'Bull Durham' tonight to learn a bit more about minor league baseball (which the play is about).
Fucking baseball.
I can't even say it's my least favorite sport because I care so little about them that I haven't even sifted through the lot to designate just how little I care about them.
Is it weird that being Baby Kermit the Frog and Satan was more fun than this?
*****************************************************************************
Watched 'Bull Durham'.
Good movie, but I still don't give a squirt about baseball.
3.06.2007
Hello...mind taker...
3.6.07
8:23 PM
Now, people who know me well know that I really don't go out of my way to be unique.
The unique is sort of just thrust upon me.
Or maybe you don't believe this.
Or maybe I'm not being up front with myself.
Whatever.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with a branch of the American Institute for Psychotherapy, specifically the hypnotherapy division.
I had a talk with a very intelligent woman who thinks that what I asked about is both very interesting and very feasible.
I am planning on undergoing hypnosis to convince myself that I have never heard Nine Inch Nails' 1999 album 'The Fragile' (my favorite NIN album).
I told her I have heard this album literally hundreds of times and I'd like to hear it for the first time...again.
She admitted that no one has ever come to her with a request like this, but that it's very interesting.
She also said I sound intelligent which will help with the hypnotic process.
I guess.
This is what a true fan should do; undergo mental reprogramming in order to refresh their ears.
If this works, I might just use hypnosis for a bunch of stuff.
Maybe I'll erase the whole NIN catalogue from my mind, come at the whole thing with new ears.
I love the idea of hypnosis.
And I especially love the idea of hypnosis working for me.
I also think this is one of the coolest things I've ever done.
8:23 PM
Now, people who know me well know that I really don't go out of my way to be unique.
The unique is sort of just thrust upon me.
Or maybe you don't believe this.
Or maybe I'm not being up front with myself.
Whatever.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with a branch of the American Institute for Psychotherapy, specifically the hypnotherapy division.
I had a talk with a very intelligent woman who thinks that what I asked about is both very interesting and very feasible.
I am planning on undergoing hypnosis to convince myself that I have never heard Nine Inch Nails' 1999 album 'The Fragile' (my favorite NIN album).
I told her I have heard this album literally hundreds of times and I'd like to hear it for the first time...again.
She admitted that no one has ever come to her with a request like this, but that it's very interesting.
She also said I sound intelligent which will help with the hypnotic process.
I guess.
This is what a true fan should do; undergo mental reprogramming in order to refresh their ears.
If this works, I might just use hypnosis for a bunch of stuff.
Maybe I'll erase the whole NIN catalogue from my mind, come at the whole thing with new ears.
I love the idea of hypnosis.
And I especially love the idea of hypnosis working for me.
I also think this is one of the coolest things I've ever done.
3.01.2007
tink tink tink
3.1.07
8:28 PM
All this Nine Inch Nails stuff has kind of made me not give a shit about the Scissor Sisters concert this weekend.
Hm.
Meanwhile: I finished the Bond novel "The Spy Who Loved Me" just now.
This novel features the character who, in the movies, is called 'Jaws'.
Turns out his name in the book is "The Horror" which is a nickname.
His real name?
Sol Horowitz.
Jaws is a Jew.
That creates laughter inside my self.
And now I need your help...
From 5:30 pm to 7 pm every weekday I have a break.
I don't like to eat during it because I tend to get food delivered to the job so I can kill time in that fashion.
Here's where I need your help:
What should I do on my hour and a half break?
If I need to run home, I can do that, but I would probably only have 10 minutes before I have to rush out again.
Give me some ideas.
Here's what I have done recently:
Had pizza.
Had Starbucks.
Bought a Blu-ray.
Visited Lisa and Becca (but they were watching TV).
Trying not to spend money, people.
I was thinking about maybe just riding a bus downtown for 45 minutes and then riding it uptown for another 45.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
So far, that possibility is in the lead.
Just get to know my iPod a little better.
Maybe make some bus friends.
I think I've already sort of made a Subway friend.
The past two nights on the 6 train at 11 or so I have seen the same homeless guy.
He tends to sleep on the bench at the very front or back of the last or second to last car.
I know it's the same guy because he removes his sneakers before crashing out.
Some day, just to freak him out and shift the status quo I might steal his shoes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Or maybe I'll bump into him, drop a bag and then demand he pays me for my Snapple which I'll insist he spilt.
HAHAHAHAHA
It's thinking like this that's going to get me shot.
You know, I was thinking that I might be misinterpreting the prophecy (that I'm going to be killed by a minority).
I mean, 'minority' doesn't mean a Black or a Green or something like that necessarily.
I could be killed by a left-handed person.
Only 1 in 9 Americans are left-handed, so that counts.
Or maybe an Eskimo.
I want that on my obelisk (yeah, I decided that I want a huge fucking obelisk for a grave marker) "Was killed by a fucking Eskimo while heroically rescuing his family from a sinking ship and despoiling a porpoise at the same time".
Hm, that's a bit crowded.
Well, since I now have an obelisk, perhaps I'll have four different versions of my epitaph.
Good one.
Along with figuring out what to do during my break, also submit possible epitaphs for me.
One side is going to be "Unstoppable porpoise fucking machine", another is going to be the killed by an Eskimo thing, so that leaves two sides.
While I would like to do the "Royal Tannenbaum" thing, that might be too unoriginal.
Back to the break thing, I'm sure once the weather gets better Central Park will become a more realistic suggestion, but for the next month or so...what do I do?
Also: with the help of Drew, Jeannie and maybe even the Figa Man, I might be upgrading my entertainment system soon-ish.
In the new apartment, we are at the point where all the basic stuff is working and we must now paint and decorate and add dogs and trimmings and curtains and stuff like that.
I fear these things may never get done.
I went to Home Depot (the HUGE mausoleum one on 59th and 3rd) alone for the first time and was scared shitless.
The second time I went I felt like Bob Villa on crack.
I wanted to buy door knockers and light fixtures and grout and caulk (delicious caulk) and brackets and bolts and levels and chainsaws and carpets and a whole fuckload of other shit I don't need or really want.
I have never felt more Hetero.
A forklift.
I wanted to buy a forklift too.
In case I needed to knock over some Port-O-Potties or something.
And lighter fluid.
In case I need to write something in fire.
You know.
Do they have hammers at Home Depot?
No, not regular hammers, what a silly question, I mean big, fuck-all sledge hammers that I can carry around maternity wards.
Wow. What a brilliant image.
Okay, Christina, first project of the Artist's Collective or whatever name we give ourselves: a short film involving me wearing all black, a black hood and silently walking through a maternity ward at night with a fucking sledgehammer.
The film will be called "4th Trimester Abortionist".
Or maybe we can spin the message a little by turning it into a commercial. We just add the tagline:
Use Trojans. It's better that way.
Fucking hell am I brilliant.
Also again: I'm going to be in another play.
This one will be shorter and better, I think.
I have yet to read the script.
It goes up March 31st to April 2nd I believe.
It has something to do with baseball.
A subject which I know lots about.
And enjoy.
A lot.
Yes.
8:28 PM
All this Nine Inch Nails stuff has kind of made me not give a shit about the Scissor Sisters concert this weekend.
Hm.
Meanwhile: I finished the Bond novel "The Spy Who Loved Me" just now.
This novel features the character who, in the movies, is called 'Jaws'.
Turns out his name in the book is "The Horror" which is a nickname.
His real name?
Sol Horowitz.
Jaws is a Jew.
That creates laughter inside my self.
And now I need your help...
From 5:30 pm to 7 pm every weekday I have a break.
I don't like to eat during it because I tend to get food delivered to the job so I can kill time in that fashion.
Here's where I need your help:
What should I do on my hour and a half break?
If I need to run home, I can do that, but I would probably only have 10 minutes before I have to rush out again.
Give me some ideas.
Here's what I have done recently:
Had pizza.
Had Starbucks.
Bought a Blu-ray.
Visited Lisa and Becca (but they were watching TV).
Trying not to spend money, people.
I was thinking about maybe just riding a bus downtown for 45 minutes and then riding it uptown for another 45.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
So far, that possibility is in the lead.
Just get to know my iPod a little better.
Maybe make some bus friends.
I think I've already sort of made a Subway friend.
The past two nights on the 6 train at 11 or so I have seen the same homeless guy.
He tends to sleep on the bench at the very front or back of the last or second to last car.
I know it's the same guy because he removes his sneakers before crashing out.
Some day, just to freak him out and shift the status quo I might steal his shoes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Or maybe I'll bump into him, drop a bag and then demand he pays me for my Snapple which I'll insist he spilt.
HAHAHAHAHA
It's thinking like this that's going to get me shot.
You know, I was thinking that I might be misinterpreting the prophecy (that I'm going to be killed by a minority).
I mean, 'minority' doesn't mean a Black or a Green or something like that necessarily.
I could be killed by a left-handed person.
Only 1 in 9 Americans are left-handed, so that counts.
Or maybe an Eskimo.
I want that on my obelisk (yeah, I decided that I want a huge fucking obelisk for a grave marker) "Was killed by a fucking Eskimo while heroically rescuing his family from a sinking ship and despoiling a porpoise at the same time".
Hm, that's a bit crowded.
Well, since I now have an obelisk, perhaps I'll have four different versions of my epitaph.
Good one.
Along with figuring out what to do during my break, also submit possible epitaphs for me.
One side is going to be "Unstoppable porpoise fucking machine", another is going to be the killed by an Eskimo thing, so that leaves two sides.
While I would like to do the "Royal Tannenbaum" thing, that might be too unoriginal.
Back to the break thing, I'm sure once the weather gets better Central Park will become a more realistic suggestion, but for the next month or so...what do I do?
Also: with the help of Drew, Jeannie and maybe even the Figa Man, I might be upgrading my entertainment system soon-ish.
In the new apartment, we are at the point where all the basic stuff is working and we must now paint and decorate and add dogs and trimmings and curtains and stuff like that.
I fear these things may never get done.
I went to Home Depot (the HUGE mausoleum one on 59th and 3rd) alone for the first time and was scared shitless.
The second time I went I felt like Bob Villa on crack.
I wanted to buy door knockers and light fixtures and grout and caulk (delicious caulk) and brackets and bolts and levels and chainsaws and carpets and a whole fuckload of other shit I don't need or really want.
I have never felt more Hetero.
A forklift.
I wanted to buy a forklift too.
In case I needed to knock over some Port-O-Potties or something.
And lighter fluid.
In case I need to write something in fire.
You know.
Do they have hammers at Home Depot?
No, not regular hammers, what a silly question, I mean big, fuck-all sledge hammers that I can carry around maternity wards.
Wow. What a brilliant image.
Okay, Christina, first project of the Artist's Collective or whatever name we give ourselves: a short film involving me wearing all black, a black hood and silently walking through a maternity ward at night with a fucking sledgehammer.
The film will be called "4th Trimester Abortionist".
Or maybe we can spin the message a little by turning it into a commercial. We just add the tagline:
Use Trojans. It's better that way.
Fucking hell am I brilliant.
Also again: I'm going to be in another play.
This one will be shorter and better, I think.
I have yet to read the script.
It goes up March 31st to April 2nd I believe.
It has something to do with baseball.
A subject which I know lots about.
And enjoy.
A lot.
Yes.
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