I Am Waiting For A Bus

1.29.09

7:38pm

I have had a headache for over a week.

It comes and goes, but always, it is there...eating my brain like the Conqueror Worm.

I wish it was a tumor so I could just kill myself and get it over with.

Orgasms and generic ibuprofen seem to stave it off for a while though, so.

Next.

I have been seeing these new Pepsi ads that contain the new logo.

I'd like to repeat here some of the slogans without the eye-catching and very expensive graphic design that usually accompanies them:

"Sooooooweet"

"pop pop pop"

and

"Yo"

I enjoy that the first one kind of sounds like a pig call.

Someone was given a fucktoin of money to "design" these.

Fuck you and give me some.

Finally (FINALLY) had a really great moment today.

Last night, I found out about a Battleship audition today (they are re-re-reinventing the classic plastic-pegs-in-plastic-boats game) for which they were looking for a Don LaFontaine movie trailer voice.

In case you don't know who that is...well, you obviously haven't been watching TV, movies or listening to the radio for the last fifty years.

In a nutshell, he's the guy that people are imitating when they start off a faux movie trailer by saying "in a world..."

He was one of the highest paid actors (let alone voice actors) in the world and now he's dead.

Today, I was told that I sounded just like him in the audition and that I should have a future in his area.

That, is the coolest thing anyone in the business has ever said to me.

Now if only Milton Bradley will agree with this producer and give me summa dat CHEEEEZ.

Seeing They Might Be Giants on Saturday (Jess' first TMBG concert!) and Michael Ian Black on Sunday.

And I will drink my weight in blood...I swear it...

Out.

Batman Vs. X-Men Vs. The Terrible Smell Permeating The Upper East SideVs. Misc. Etc

1.21.09

3:13 pm

Couple.

Of things.

First, got cable installed by a surly and world weary dude this morning.

Immediately wondered why.

Flipped through the assorted 350+ channels and continued to wonder why.

Got the COMPLETE Batman: The Animated Series for my Birthday.

17 discs.

109 episodes.

I've probably seen 100 of them more than three times, but goddamn it that a solid show.

I watched the first episode (with the original voice actor for Alfred...who sucked) and the nostalgia was sweet like some sweet thing I used to enjoy while watching the show.

1992.

Wow.

I have also, recently, been watching the X-Men animated series which was on around that time, but on Saturday mornings as opposed to weekday afternoons.

The X-Men show has NOT held up but the Batman show is still freaking tight as a turtle.

I think it has everything to do with the stylization of Batman.

The show doesn't feel dated because it's always in the 40's (the 40's without robots and lasers and stuff).

Also, the first Batman episode just jumps right in, no lengthy, heavy-handed introductions, whereas the X-Men show ran over and over the fact that they are mutants and hated and Rogue can't touch people and Wolverine is REALLY angry and Jean Grey can't do ANYTHING without fainting and Professor X is an asshole because he's always sending Storm into situations where her claustrophobia will cripple her and endanger the rest of the team and Gambit wants to FUCK, NOW and no one ever uses their powers to their full extent and blah blah blah.

I do enjoy the sheer volume of X-Men and random Marvel characters they'll just toss in though.  There's a cameo from Nick Fury and War Machine for Christ' sake.  That's always fun for a fan to be like, "I have seen that character in comic books!" or some other equally powerful declaration.

In fact, I actually had a dream relating to the X-Men last night... it was some sort of new animated series...all I really remember is Gambit using dice at one point and Cyclops blasting the shit out of Sinister.

There was a HUGE fight.

Pretty cool.

Quite frankly, I'm more excited about Batman than cable.

THE TELEVISION SERVICE, NOT THE MYSTERIOUS TIME TRAVELING MUTANT!!!

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I can see how you might have made that mistake.

Changing gears RATHER quickly (keep up children...), I watched The Boondock Saints a few nights ago for the first time in years.

That is quite a bad movie.

I mean, it's great for what it is, a massive-cock-action movie, but every moment of it tries waaay too hard to be genuine.

I'm wondering if the sequel is going to be gently mocking the original and actually strive to be a good movie, or if they are going to just try to out-cock themselves.

Apparently the writer and director (Troy "How Irish Can I Get?!" Duffy) burned all his bridges by being a douche.

As long as Willem Dafoe makes out with another gangster, I'm down.

*SHUDDER*

Next, right outside the Hospital today, I saw a snowball fight turn into a fist fight within a matter of seconds.

Jesus loves the little chiiiildren.

But I don't.

If only they exploded on impact.

That would be awesome.

POP

SPOOT

And finally, Will, I want a Google X-Prize awarded for tracking, cataloguing and eliminating the homeless/vomit/garbage smell permeating the Upper East Side.

It's like the diametric opposite of the lovely syrup smell that occasionally engulfs the city as if we are some huge, dirty pancake covered in angry, polyglot ants.

Finally for real, I have been listening to the New Pornographers today.

Their hopeless and peppy melancholy fits my woke-up-too-early-for-Mr.-Surly-the-Cable-Man mind state.

And "Stacked Crooked" might be my favorite NP song.

Think that might be it...you lucky frog you...

Chupa chupa.

1.20.09

9:20 pm

Ah, sweet, succulent resolution.

Like pulled pork for the soul.

Not really, I'm just passing this whole shit burger into someone else' hands...GOD'S.

Let go and let god.

Man that is freaky.

Like, I picture some crazy Southern Baptist mother with a car full of screaming children just taking her pudgy,  fish-belly white hands off the wheel, rolling her eyes skyward and muttering that under her breath while the car goes through the guard rail and into the ravine or river or some other geological formation starting with an 'r'.

Is a river a geological formation?

Is you is or is you ain't my baby?

And are these two gentlemen in the security office real human beings or just doing impressions of African American stereotypes from the 1920's?

I'll never ask.

SO glad I can't materialize weapons with a thought.

And speaking of materializing whatever it was I just said, tomorrow, I'm getting cable.

350+ channels, 14 of which I'll actually watch.

Welcome to the future.

Oh, also found out a little more info about my Burger King radio thing.

Apparently it is playing in two "major markets" (or so they are called on the paperwork) called Albuquerque and Flint.

Now, I have NO clue what that means, but I certainly hope this fucking thing is playing in more than just TWO cities in the fucking country.

And why Michigan and New Mexico?

My hopes are that those are the names of regions, rather than actual cities.

I also learned that They Who Program Commercials have the ability to play this one until August 2010.

And finally, I am indeed getting residuals.

In other words: cha-CHING.

Hopefully.

If my voice ends up giving children seizures or something maybe less cha-CHING than get that horrible man of the radio right this instant.

But,we'll see.

I have just eaten a burger and now I will continue reading Cloud Atlas.

One final thing, Will and Lady have set a date.

Come December 31st, 2009, I will be in another country.

AGAIN.

Holy fucking shit.

Woo hoo, Will and Lady, woo hoo, I say.

Some say it was a warning...

1.16.09

11:29am

First things first...yesterday on the train, I saw a little old Asian woman eat an entire apple in about 12 seconds.

I have no real feelings about this, but it was just impressive.

There was a slight hint of desperation under the efficient fervor though, as if someone were going to get on at the next stop and eat the apples of everyone who had them.

Or something else along those lines.

Along the lines of MTA Apple Police.

I then thought that the scene, a wizened Asian woman furiously devouring an apple, was a great symbol of something.

I don't know what though.

Maybe the Asian populace taking over New York City, but, as far as I know, that hasn't happened.

I am ill informed on such matters.

Very much so.

And I'm enjoying the cold.

I get to use ALL my big fluffy blankets with impunity.

With immunity from impunity, if you will.

I like the cold better than the hot anyway.

No matter how cold it gets, there is always a certain number of clothing, blankets, sweaters etc. that you can wrap yourself in to make yourself warm enough, but if it's too hot? You, my friend, are shut out of lick.

Also, I hate sweating unless I'm scrumping.

Hate it hate it hate it.

Sweating, not scrumping.

I like scrumping.

A lot.

Just finished reading Trainspotting.

When I first saw the movie waaaay back when, not only did I not understand two thirds of what was being said, but I didn't get why things were happening or why they were funny/emotional etc. except for the really obvious stuff (he pooped......IN THE BED!!!!).

A few months ago, I watched the movie again and understood the whole thing...except for a lot of the actual language. 

The intentions were clear just like they were clear in The Universal Language, but that accent?  Yeesh. 

So, in the book, the writer, Irvine Welsh, WRITES with the accent a lot of the time.

At first it was hilariously overwhelming, but then I got into it and just rolled with it.

The glossary at the end helped too although that was more for terms rather than normal words.

Those I had to sound out and it was fun.

Like learning to read again.

The effect was quite the opposite of finishing a Harry Potter book.

Whereas after Harry Potter and the Prancing Pumpkins or whatever, it's as if any book that isn't on the same literary level or lower is hard to read.

Not hard, but...well, sticky.

After Trainspotting though, everything seems TOO easy.

I like my brain and its sexy nooks and crannies.

Surprised to find that there is actually very little trainspotting done in the movie.

Surprised and disappointed.

Now I am reading Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell because both Phil and his uncle Martin raved about it over the holidays.

Glow sticks and all.

Digging it xmax so far.

Also picked up Snow Crash by this Neal Stevenson character I keep hearing people cream over.

I tried to read the Denis Leary book, but it's just not that funny.

It's way too obvious and just obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.

In the introduction he even says you're gonna be offended and you're gonna laugh...a lot.

Way to believe your own hype.

I think the last time I was offended by anything was an episode of South Park.

They consistent offend me and therefore make me laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the hell out of Denis Leary, but I suppose his stand up/comedy stuff has lost its edge since No Cure For Cancer.

I do love me some Rescue Me though.

Mucho.

Let's get the shiny people over here and the happy people over here.

I want two lines.

Speaking of two lines...I made my Birthday playlist yesterday during a lull at work.

Ha.

Yes, during that one lull...

"White Lines" is on it.

I'm pensive about this party.

No, not true.

I'm pensive about how certain people will react and behave around each other.

Why can't we all just get along with that which Paul wants?

Less of a WWPD?

More of a WWPWMTDFH, What Would Paul Want Me To Do.For Him

Is that selfish?

Ah ah ah...remember...WWPWMTDFH...

There we go.

Seriously though, I passed out once from drinking when I did that tequila thing and it was like time travel.

I boaked, fitted myself into the bathroom corner and then BLINK B.J. was waking me up some time later to bring me home.

All in all not a bad experience.

But again, how often to people REALLY completely forget things?

Pale, pale excuse.

But, what does that indicate?

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

Planning on rejoining the Club because I miss swimming.

In a clean pool.

With naked, wrinkly old men.

*SHUDDER*

Birthday Birthday Borthday.

My son is also named Bort.

Say what you will about Dunking Doughknots, but when they make (microwave) that sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant right it's fucking magic.

The indigestion is also magic.

Like a burning leprechaun dancing up and down the length of my esophagus.

Burny O'Toole.

Stompy McPain

Ouchy McFuckoff

The Prince Thing went rather well I thought.

Got to know Emily a bit better.

Got to spend some time with Kaitlyn and Christina Nongirlfriend.

Reminded of why I'm friends with them.

Still haven't seen Graffiti Bridge.

Not sure I want to.

1990 was a weird year for Prince and I don't think I know any of his shit from those years.

Lauren got me a HUGE Prince thing for Xmas/Berfday and in it there's a rare, live Prince CD.

Of the 20 or so tracks, I know about three.

I'm not a big Prince fan, but I'm a big fan of Prince, n'est pas?

Oh this shift has its ups and downs.

The ups correlate with the times when Mungo is not in the fucking office talking.

The downs correlate, strangely, when she is flapping her MASSIVE gums.

Oh to be Prince Caspian, afloat upon the waves.

She just left, and now I'm enjoying an up.

Woot.

And as far as ups go, I found out that the switchboard might be "up" shit creek without a paddle for OVER A YEAR.

Gaw bless us, evvy un.

I believe I'm through.

Some say it was a sign...