11.30.2005

In this new world, in our new world, there will be rocking.

11.30.05
7:40 PM
Getting into the Dave Eggers book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Really digging it so far. Lots of excellent quotables (like the heading for this entry, by the by…). If you want to feel smart (or stupid, depending on who you are and what your reading habits are like…) (try to) read this book. From comics to Stephen King to Rohld Dahl to Dave Eggers. I feel like I’m on an upward swing. Perhaps after A.H.W.O.S.G. I’ll read You Shall Know Our Velocity (another Eggers book that was left mysteriously at my home). After Eggers, I might just finish Count of Monte Cristo (of which I was only able to read 25 pages in an 8 hour period thanks to Harry fucking Potter and the Elixir of Duh). Maybe I’ll finally get to Mr. Strange and Mrs. Norris (or whatever it’s called) which I bought the week it came out and have yet to read more of than a paragraph. Who knows?! The literary possibilities are wide open. Me likey readey.
Gia’s coming over tonight. She seemed a bit cloudy on the phone. Well, call me a low pressure system because I am gonna make those clouds disappear!!!! Maybe. Sometimes it’s good to feel lows or else you forget what the highs are like. That’s the problem with Prozac. It doesn’t make you feel better, it makes you feel less. Whatever her emotional state, I plan to prove to her, once and for all, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that John Sidney Linnell is, in fact, a robot. Or at least a cyborg.
I made a friend in the MIS department and now I have this cool new laser ball mouse and a super keyboard that does things I can’t even imagine. It’s good to wheedle.
Back to the book…

11.29.2005

11.29.05
3:19 PM
I feel like my pants: rumpled, worn and with a small yet noticeably stain spreading in the crotch.
My original flight was to leave at 8:45 AM, put me into Raleigh-Durham and then from there to NYC. I would arrive around 1ish. However, my flight down got balled up (no details since there aren’t many things more boring and esoteric than descriptions of long airport waits…) so my family and I figured it would be wise to check that the returning flight was okay. It was although getting in at 1ish would only work if EVERYTHING went perfect. There was only to be a 30 minute layover and if one plane was late and the second was early, I was fucked out of some money (I’m working today…). We saw that there was an earlier flight (7:55 AM) that went directly to NYC and got me in at 10:30. Long story short, I was up at 5 this morning after getting only 3 hours of sleep.
Anyway.
The point of this update is to let you all know I got a good one off:
So I sat down in the aisle seat of an empty row. There was a bag and a coat on the window seat. Eventually, a guy showed up claiming the window seat. He asked is I knew whose stuff this was, I told him I didn’t. He moved it to the middle and that was that. As the plane filled up and no one claimed the seat, I became suspect of terrorism and asked the stew if she had any info. She said she thought the stuff belonged to some woman who was in the back. As we were about to leave, the woman shows up, talks to the stew for a moment and determines that she is in the wrong seat. Thanks to me, there is an empty seat between ne and the guy. Soon after that, we are informed that the half hour delay has turned into a forty-five minute delay. As we were sitting, motionless, on the ground (I find fewer things in life more annoying and useless that an airplane sitting, motionless, on the ground) the man turns to me and says, “Hey, thanks for saying something about the stuff on the seat.” I respond, “No problem.” A pause for effect and timing (also to put the words in the right order, it was blistering early still) “Maybe I should say something about the plane not moving.”
Score.
Take that Delta Song. Suck from my sarcasm teat and choke upon the poison milk contained within.
Had weird flying dreams, waking dreams, erections during the flight. Garbled.
When I returned home I torn my clothes off and snuggled into my bed from 12:40 to 2:40 in order to regain some strength. I had a dream in which I was to give a speech that Will and his brother were coming to. It was to be about the X-Prize, but it wasn’t going to be since everything knew I knew nothing about it. I don’t remember much, but I am sure it was going to end with me doing a Bill Cosby impression.
There was another dream or branch of this dream in which the family of bears living in the Springs (that’s true, not in the dream) were hanging out in my garage (dream) and I ad dealings with them…
And now, here I sit, broken-hearted.
Time crawls slowly by…

11.28.2005

I have something in my eye...

There is NO attractive twizz on staff at Bascom Palmer Eye Institute. Where did this myth of nurses being attractive originate? I want my retinal specialist to work there.
My wait was two hours longer than it usually was today. Why? Because the BPEI just shelled out $100,000 for a digital inner eye camera system.
The bad news: each visit will now be a four hour trial AND each year I will have my retinas singed by super powered blasts of light sent directly into my eye.
The good news:...uh...I get to see what makes me stumble around like a hedgehog turned up by the family plow into a sunny day. It looks like exactly what I thought it would look like and although we can now see pictures of it and can trace its progression, we can't do anything about it. Fucking technology. You get to see the individual cells in your malignant tumor and get an HD perfect view of it killing you, but you still can't stop it. Maybe if they had splurged and bought the $200,000 system they could actually help me. Oh well. See you next year, Dr. Superfluous.

11.26.2005

K Rock xmax the turkey

I winder if the tukey I had a few nights ago had avian flu...
As I sit in my room in Florida (there is mysteriously a computer in my room for some reason...) I realize how different 38 degrees is from 75 degrees. Things are sludgy here and I enjoy that. Time is elastic. Soon I will go to Miami for eye piercing tests that might reveal the onset of macular degeneration, a continued growth of scar tissue on my retina or any number of tiny things that will cost me my sight.
I reflect that going blind would be less fun than it is portrayed in the movies. I don't think Helen Keller is smiling in all those picture she didn't know people were taking...
Berrington is good. As always. He is still the nicest dog in the world.
My bed at home is six feet long and finding somewhere to put those extra eight inches cause some sleep trouble.
The Song planes have been upgraded again and now you can create an mp3 playlist from hundreds of album they have in their databanks. Prince, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, even They Might Be Giants' new kids album "Here Come the ABCs". The flight to Florida was pleasant, but the four hour wait in the airport was not. Apparently, the airline has the right to change your flight time without telling you. They did that. It sucked. I played Su Doku for three hours. At that point, my logic circuits were smoking. Once on the plane, everything got better. I opened up a pack of Haribo gummi bears once the stew had directed me to a seat with gallons of leg room and everything was groovy from there. Now I sit in my room, trying to find a way to escape from going to church with my parents. I'm thinking of shitting my pants and falling down, but I only have two pairs of pants with me so that might not be an option.
I got nothing for you, people. I shall now return to my video game. I received True Crime: New York City. It isn't as accurate as I would have hoped. Hm.

11.22.2005

11.22.05
10:18 PM

Every pigeon in the city has become an assassin. I no longer chase them, they chase me. Everything I have ever feared has come to pass.
Went to D.C. this weekend. White Russians without ice aren’t meant to be consumed.
Pumpkin rolls are enjoyable.
It is exhilarating to drive 100 miles per hour.
I return to Florida in a few days. Feeling a bit scattered.
I felt like there was something I had to tell you or share with you, but I suppose it couldn’t have been that important or else I would have forced myself to write it down when I thought of it.
I just read Ray’s script. First draft type stuff. Could be interesting.
I have an urge to finish the Tall Like Paul script, although I also had an urge a few weeks ago to edit my short film and I had a similar urge more recently to arrange actors and locations for filming two other projects. Seems much easier to play videos games and also do nothing.
Ideas about elevator scenes and baby girls with several penises will appear in the script.
I should make more videos for my web site. I don’t think I’ve updated that in months. If only I were better at poetry. I don’t think anyone is good at poetry. No one alive, at least.
Poetry Slams are a mockery.
I am watching another TV series on DVD now. Just biding my time………

11.16.2005

Uh oh...

I pause in the middle of my fourth piece of apple pie; recalling that too many apples gives one the squitters…
Darn.
Hahahahahahahaha, thinking about diarrhea reminded me of that part in Wayne’s World when Mike Myers talks about that Swedish county and then says he remembers it because it was the day he got diarrhea on the trampoline. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Man, what substandard pie…I wonder if the quality of the diarrhea (amounts of pain, liquid to solid ratio, color, bouquet etc.) will improve or worsen because of the totally non-homemade nature of said pie…
I’ll let you know…

Being naughty...again.

Just got of the phone with Phil. Yes, THAT Phil. He’s gone native. Whatever that means. He has turned down the construction job which is a good idea sionce he isn’t the "manual labor” type….or the “labor” type at all He’s more the “sleeping” or “drinking” type. Yeah. His relationship with Kaitlyn is blossoming and that’s awesome. You know, it’s weird, but I really miss that malcontent spaz. She brought this acerbic intelligence to the group but she could also mispronounce “dog”. She was quite the collection of paradoxes…and now she’s gone. Man…I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. I think she’s going from Oz to NZ to the Peace Corps or something. Hm. Maybe I’ll just tell her my true feelings and we’ll get married. That should keep her around for a few weeks. Anyway, Phil is searing meat and will call me back, I’m going to have another slice of pie while I wait…

Fuck you, I'm going swimming.

Why is it every time someone is not supposed to be using the Internet at work, they not only use it, but use it to look for porn? Do they honestly think that deleting the history and the cookies will make their crime undetectable?
Well I certainly hope so because suddenly there is Internet on my computer at work and I have been looking for some pretty weird shit. Oh boy. Makes Tubgirl (you remember her Phil, right?) look like the homepage for the Vatican.
In fact, as soon as I am done typing this up, I plan to post it…FROM WORK.
Now to work on a virus…
Man is I full.
Two days ago it was the Thanksgiving Banquet. The kitchen staff sent down a bunch of plates. Turkey, ham, stuffing, veggies, rice and pumpkin pie. I ate like a gay pig. Yesterday, there was another permutation of the Thanksgiving meal and I got turkey, ham, rice, veggies and rolls. And today, oh wondrous glory, turkey (I happened to luck upon the fucking leg), rice and apple pie. The best thing is, this isn’t the turkey mash they serve to the residents here, this is prime shit, my friends.
Lordy, lordy.
Here’s a question for you all: why do people like stuffing so much? It’s wet bread cooked inside the body of a turkey. It should be disgusting and disease ridden, but it’s delicious. I could eat stuffing for breakfast and just might while I am home for Thanksgiving.
What an active week it has been and it’s only Wednesday!! I‘ve gone swimming twice, had lunch with my father. Woo! How the time does become noticeable when you aren’t sleeping 14 hours until an hour before you go to work, getting home and playing video games until you go to sleep again. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Or if they do tell you otherwise, ignore them.
And the week isn’t over yet!! Tomorrow before work I am going to start making my Heckle Tools for Will’s speech on Saturday which myself and Christina Nongirlfriend will be at (all three times it is delivered). Then, after work, off to see Harry Potter…uh…whichever number this one is. Then, Friday, it’s fun sleepover night with Christina Nongirlfriend so her and I can be up stupidly early on Saturday so we can speed to D.C. and make it for all Will’s speeches.
Hr and I need to come up with some bus games. If we sit in the back, maybe I can convince her to give me a hand job and then freak out when she touché my penis, just to fuck with her head and keep the ride interesting. Hahahaha. Man is this a busy week.
Also, Ray has finished the script for “Shadow Beyond the Stars” and I cannot wait to read it. This is going to be glorious fun.
AND
I saw a bootleg copy of the Sugababes video: not only am I in it, but I own the fucking thing for those four seconds. As soon as it’s available somewhere, I will let you know. It’s being released on an enhanced CD single n the U.K and you can find it on Amazon, but I’ll try to make it easier for you. Lazy pigs. Too busy rolling around in your own shit to buy my first legit music video? Cockgobblers. Burn in your self created hell of venereal disease. Drink the pus of shame and syphilis. I…am going to have another slice of apple pie.
By the hoo hoo Chris, it is nowhere near as good as yours, but I would rather have bad pie as opposed to no pie. And now…to pie…
Oh grod it is SOOOOOO adequate. It tastes like it was made by a machine. This apple pie is cold and heartless.
Holy shit and speaking of machines…the new Beck video for “Hell Yes” is up on his website. Lots of fun. I won’t give it away, but I will say that the stars are these robots.
“They're called QRIOs, so-called ‘dream robots’ developed by Sony Japan as high-tech playthings for children. The QRIO can carry on conversations, adapt to a multitude of environments and - most importantly - mimic human movements, including complex dance routines. Currently, there are only four working QRIOs in the world. And all of them appear in the ‘Hell Yes’ video.” It’s directed by Spike Jonze AND Garth Jennings and it will cause your anus to leak.
In other news, I have started reading Roald Dahl’s My Uncle Oswald after YEARS of hearing how good it is. This book should be read by anyone who thinks Dahl is a children’s writer. In fact, I feel sorry for the parents of the children who accidentally read this thinking it’s a children’s book and then have to explain what copulation and erections are to their 6 year olds. An excellent book so far. Philip, I expect you to be Uncle Oswald.
I don’t know if I can ramble about anything else right now. I’m going.

11.01.2005

I Came, I Rocked, I Got Real Paid

11.1.05
2:10 PM
You ever find yourself eating a bagel whose flavor is indeterminate? I am doing that now.
I am on the fifth floor of an abandoned building in Long Island City. I am at the video shoot for the Sugababes new superhot smash hit “Ugly”. Why? Because Kraft services provides excellent (free) food.
More surprising than the fact that I’m going to be in the “Ugly” video is the fact that I took both the L and G trains to get here and only got turned around twice, wasting a total of about ten minutes or so. Go me. Where I am now looks like god damn downtown Groznyy. The video’s director, Toby Tremlett (Moloko “Fun For Me”, Sneaker Pimps “Six Underground”) has quite the sick sense of humor (exemplified even further by my presence). While I was looking for the shoot, I came across one of the singers (Heidi). She is incineratingly good looking AND has a British accent. Liverpool has never sounded less disgusting. Then some nice guy with a cockney accent told me to talk to “that bloke o’er there”. Fuckin’ a, man, I gotta bloke.
Once I got in, I put on my (Ray’s) blue velvet shirt and took my hair down. Jessica the wardrobe chick then deemed my appropriately “rock” and now here I sit, noshing on a something-that-might-be-a-maple-syrup bagel at the expense of Mad Cow Productions, London, England. In a few moments (or hours, who knows?) I will get real paid for rocking out. Can I say again how much I love this job?
My free bagel is almost gone I think I will get another… Before I do, I should take a moment to snicker at the poor fuckers who have been in this crumbling deathtrap since four in the morning. *snicker snicker*

4:01 PM
After spending about two hours on and around the set I feel like whipping it out and jacking off furiously. Strangely, this has less to do with the scalding hot Brits and more to do with the people I am surrounded by. I am surrounded by stereotypes. Little black kids skipping rope, skaters in backward caps and ¾ length pants with wallet chains, cute little tap dancing girls, an Asian guy in a gi who knows martial arts, a mime, a juggler and other “entertaining” stereotypes.
But that isn’t the problem. The problem is that everyone is doing everything they can to show everyone how great they are. Whenever I’m on one of these things, I always feel like the PA’s, AD’s and all the other assistants that have to be the Stereotype Shepard. I feel hatred for these one dimensional caricatures. Look, I’m juggling. I’m just doing it so you’ll look at me and think I’m interesting and think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could juggle like him. My life is meaning less without being able to juggle.” Christ. This raises a question: What stereotype am I playing? How can they possibly use me in this? All I do is Rock Out. Is there a stereotype of tall, pale men in blue velvet shirts that can’t dance? Really? Well, Sugababes are British, maybe in Britain there is a whole sub-culture of blue velvet clad men who are tall and can’t dance. I will go there, and they shall make me their God…
****************************************************
9:26 PM
Soon after the above entry, I was put in line to get busy and then at 6 we broke for lunch. After eating rice (excellent, free rice) and talking to a sound guy who had his life threatened by G Unit’s Yayo, I was called on to Rock Out. I stood before all the lights in the universe and was addressed by some French guy (Toby Tremlett, I think). He told me to back up, squat down and then he noticed that it wasn’t his camera; I was very tall. He got a shot of me holding a tiny chalkboard with “you” written on it (had something to do with the theme of the video, I hope). After he had gotten that shot, they cued the music…and I set the world on fire. The music faded into a sea of applause. Once I got past the blazing lights I saw everyone was on their feet. I had won them over. Heidi was jumping up and down, the other two were whistling. The Attractive British set have accepted me. After that, I received paperwork and headed home.
After I found out I was to be in the video yesterday, I downloaded the Sugababes discography. My only wish is that I was in the video of a more talented band. No, they aren’t the worse, most idiotic band I have ever heard, but it really makes me question the overall intelligence of the British masses. I guess “People Are Stupid” applies to ALL people, not just Americans. Hm. Also, this is kind of sucky, apparently the video is, at the moment, only going to be shown of British music television. I will keep track of it and try to get a copy. I hope they use me. Although I was the least talented as far as special skills, I certainly gave the most in my performance.
If you want, you could go to the superhot smash hit website of Sugababes (www.sugababes.com), but then again you could also rub twin handfuls of kitty litter into your eyes.