Jade's questions...answered...

1. What will kill you faster, a giant wombat or a blue-tongue lizard?
It depends on if the wombat has a gun or a knife and if the blue-tongue lizard is having an off day. Then you're fucked.
2. Why is Jade the one you love the most?
Possibly a combination of the accent, the exposure to all things Aussie, her inability to remember things when she's drunk, the Gun Show, the Gun Show while drunk, her gentle Australian subtlety, her ability to take all of Phil's shots, her quickness to snatch and hide the photos and the fact that I met her at a TMBG concert.
3. How many tim tams fit in the average-size mouth?
2 or 3.
4. How many can Jade fit in her mouth?
Ahem, next question , please.
5. When will Jade post Paul's present?
About two weeks before I get it.
6. Why are all the questions about Jade?
What else does the Universe revolve around?
7. Would you rather be in a small room with an irate brown snake or an irate collet's snake?
both. Hell, put some deadly spiders in there while you're at it, I will have either died from a heart attack, brain aneurysm or self inflicted boomerang wound.
8. Does this guy freak you out more than Linnell does?
Linnell. This guy might breed and sell snakes, but Linnell is the one who will use them in unholy, robot-with-a-wig ceremonies.
9. Who is the best Dan and why?
Ooh, tough one. Wienkauf because he plays bass and thrusts his pelvis, Hickey because he beats the shit out of those skins and Miller because of that hat. Actually, Miller all the way because, the hat, obviously, but also, after the Orlando show at the Hard Rock Cafe, he saw mw out front and said "Hey! Tall guy!" and then he proceeded to talk to my father for about 5 minutes. He wins.
10. Is it possible to wrench a toilet from a wall using only your immense girth?
Strangely enough any and all toilets who would testify to this fact have been wrenched from the wall by certain fat peoples' immense girth...puzzling...
11. re: Paul, Will, Phil: I predict that one of you will grow so fat that you have to buy special Fat Man socks at fat man stores to fit over your fat man calves. One of you will marry a hugely fat woman and the other will develop an eating disorder. Which event happens to which?
I can see Phil getting the eating disorder since his metabolism is so good he begins to think he can never get fat then eats a lot. then he gets freaked out and vomits it up repeat until bulimic. As for the other? Neither. We'll both be long dead before we have intercourse with a fat person or become one ourselves. We made a pact.
12. Who would win in a fight between Dylan Parotta and Ryan Dever? Why? I believe Dylan would. He and Ryan would go at it and Ryan world start winning because of his wiriness. Then Dylan would collapse screaming, "THE CANCER'S GOT ME! CALL A DOCTOR!" Ryan would turn to call the doctor and Dylan would stab him in the neck. Bam.
13. Kylie Minogue or Shirley from Garbage, who is hotter?
SHIRLEY! She's Scottish while Kylie is Canadian. Shirley is always sexy whereas Kylie is sometimes silly (Your Disco Needs You, although that is a great song) and overall, Shirley is more smoky and curvaceous while Kylie is more bubbly and bony. Also, Shirley did a James Bond title song. Rock.
14. A brief (1500 words) essay on the topic: Jade is awesome. Discuss.
(see entry Sunday, January 18th, 2004)

Jade's Answer Key
1. I wouldn't mess with either of them
2. Correct
3. 3
4. 5
5. Hopefully monday
6. because she is extremely self-centred
7. see question 1
8. noone freaks us out more than Linnell
9. Wienkauf, because there is something about him that is extremely hot.
10. yes, it is
11. Paul will get fat, Will will marry a fat chick, Phil will develop an eating disorder
12. I'm not sure. Dylan would definately play the cancer card, then do something sneaky, but I think Marielle would step on at this point and lay the smack down.
13. Correct
14. true that.