Improper Sexual Contact

10.27.09
4:05 pm

Salacious title, no?

I was on the subway today when I heard through my headphones a NEW service announcement from the Man Robot.

It was along the lines of "a crowded subway car is not an excuse for improper sexual contact".

I can't BEGIN to tell you the problems with this statement.

A. A crowded subway car is an excuse for selling candy for non-existent basketball teams, Mariachi bands, people screaming about how GOD FUCKING LOVES YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!, people with no legs and naked cowboys.  It is ABSOLUTELY an excuse for improper sexual conduct.

B. Does this mean it's an excuse for proper sexual contact? Like, with condoms and spermacide and hand holding and stuff?

C. Fuck you, MTA.  If you're going to shut down the trains I need to get home before fucking midnight then I'll use your trains to fuck, rub, grope, hump, grind, lick and snuggle whoever and whatever I see fit, whenever I see fit.

Suck my fucking eyes.

Finally, speaking of improper sexual contact, those Sweet Millions ads on the subways featuring the baby pigs, cats, dogs and ducks?

Brilliant.

I have never played Lotto and I never plan to, but they make me smile.

Oh, and again, I saw myself on TV twice last night, once around 12:10 and again around 1:15.

One was a different edit of the "iReport This CNN!" spot and the second was a brand new one that was mostly me.

Fucking surreal.

More to come all this week.

And finally finally for reals, the hallway is done and the kitchen is done...this Halloween party is going to be downright Cthuvian.

THROUGH THE RABBIT HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST SAW MYSELF ON FUCKING TELEVISION!

NEXT WEEK, I WILL BE ON ADULT SWIM.

Long story short:
This evening I attended the unveiling of the new CNN.com and the ridiculously swank after party at Hudson.
I was informed about the full plan for the viral things that were shot about a month ago and CNN's plans to air three different spots all next week on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
That's right motherfuckers, I AM GOING TO BE ON THE SAME CHANNEL AS SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST.
I have officially made it.
So, watch Adult Swim from 10pm to 2am next Monday through Friday to see me and Ian ripping CNN a new one.
Holy fucking shit.

Wang Dang Doodle

10.15.09

3:23 pm

I love the way the birds all freak out when it rains.

It's like an Otter Party.

Listened to the new Air album.

Not great.

Also listened to the new Mika album.

A couple stand out tracks, but probably not the ones he wants to stand out.

I had a chance to see Kaitlyn before she headed off to Majorca and she was obsessed with the first single "We Are Golden".

Personally, I think it sounds like a Journey/Bon Jovi mash up sans testicles.

"I See You" and Toy Boy" are enjoyable though.

He should open for Scissor Sisters.

It would be pinker than description allows.

On Monday there was a post on the official eels web site that there is another new album coming out in January.

It's called End Times and I'm already more excited about it than Hombre Lobo (which I've listened to maybe five times since its release in June). 

E talked about how he had another full album finished when HL came out.  I really hope this is...fuller.

That seems to be the way he works, though.

Souljacker was rich and layered and sonically diverse, Shootenanny! was recorded in a week in a studio with a bunch of people gathered around a microphone (not that it was bad, there's a few great tracks on there).

Blinking Lights was epic, amazing, disparate etc., HL was a few weeks in a studio and uses about five instruments total.

Plus, End Times is just so evocative.

Feels a little Year Zero personally; Alpha and Omega type shit.

An eels album of Biblical proportions.

Dogs and cats living together...well, you know...

Finished Chuck Palahniuk's non-fiction book.

It was like a bunch of Chuck P. short stories but less interesting in most cases.

In one though, he outright gushes over a writer named Amy Hempel.

So I picked up her collected shorts.

I've read about eight (only forty plus to go...her shorts are SHORT) and she has quite an obsession with earthquakes and people in hospitals.

If she wasn't in either of these positions at some point in her life...well, then she needs to switch it up a bit.

Not as I-have-seen-the-eyes-of-God as Palahniuk made it out to be, at least not yet, but enjoyable.

I also just finished the first book in the Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher.

The Chandler tropes are...palpable.

But there's magic and I'll read anything with more than three books in the series so I'm in for the long haul.

Picked up Brütal Legend (and, incidentally, just learned how to type an umlaut...it's Alt+0252...how fucking cool is that? üüüüüüüü!!!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!! þÿÔÕ.  Awesome.) and I'm not being blown away.

Three games came out on Tuesday that I was considering: Brütal Legend, Uncharted 2 and Fallout 3: Game of the Year Edition.

I was, literally, ambivalent about BL and Uncharted because both are supposed to be amazing, but have a lot of multiplayer, which I am never going to use and Fallout 3 is a game I'd played through already, xmax, but this has about 20 more hours of different stuff and I need to own it (I'd borrowed the original from Ray).

But as I walked away from the counter on Tuesday with BL in my hand, almost immediate Buyer's Regret set in.

I know I'm going to get all three of these fuckers at some point, probably some point soon, but I think I should have gotten Uncharted first.

Oh well.

Such problems as only an American like me could have.

Oh dear! I know not which video game to purchase first!  Plus there's a strawberry seed on my elbow and my thighs are chaffing from walking the twelve feet from my chocolate pool to my sex tent! Get the phoenix-drawn travois!

I've had sex in a tent.

You ready?

It was "in tents".

Heh heh heh.

I'M OUT!

Actual, Honest To God Murder

10.8.09

9:09 pm

All right.

So, there was a resident here, an older woman, whose son visited her every day, talking to her, feeding her etc.

Every day.

A few days ago, she died suddenly. I called the code and the EMT's worked on her for over an hour before she expired.

The next day, the memo came down to have security ready when the son came in for his regular, daily visit in case he flipped at the news.

He didn't come in that day.  Or the next day.  Or the next day.

The Hospital tried to call him on all his numbers, but to no avail.

Two days ago, someone mentioned to me the possibility that maybe he had also died, like a he-was-so-close-to-his-mother-that-he-died thing.

I asked for an explanation and they told me about the fact that he'd visited her every day since she'd arrived and then, about forty minutes after he left...his mother died and no one could reach him at ANY of his numbers.

I, being a snarky fuck, mentioned that it seemed a lot less magical and a lot more suspicious to me.

I mean, the death was sudden and took place, literally thirty-odd minutes after the son had left and now no one could reach him.

Anyway.

The son finally came in today.

When he arrived, he was asked to wait in the security office.

A quick aside.

He was told to wait in the security office.

He asked why and the Administrator on Duty said that he couldn't discuss it, but that someone was on their way.

He asked if his mother was okay.

The Administrator on Duty said he couldn't discuss it and that someone would be on their way down in a few minutes.

You probably won't recall, but this AOD is the guy that would always push my buttons: repeating things a thousand times as if I were a retarded child, being a spineless buck passing waste of bone marrow etc.

Well, up to this point, I'd just disliked the guy, he was an officious little prick that lorded his tiny, almost-insignificant modicum of power whenever it didn't matter, but whenever a REAL decision was to be made, he was all about washing his hands as fast as possible and then telling several people that he had done just that so as to cover his yellow ass.

But what he did today, what he did to that guy who had just (unbeknownst to him because of the cowardly fuck in question) lost his mother, was morally reprehensible.

It was craven and the worst thing ANYONE could have done in this position.

And before? I just disliked him. He was the typical idiot, sanctimonious, no-sense-of-humor-or-irony, dick boss type we all run into occasionally, but after this? I wouldn't waste spit on him.

Aside over.

So, this guy is standing in the security for over ten minutes with NO ONE telling him what's wrong.

Slowly, more and more security guards are trickling into the room in case he flips out and standing there awkwardly, waiting for SOMEONE to tell him that his mother died five days ago and had already been sent to the County Medical Examiner's office because no one could reach him and the chickenshit AOD is dodging each and every question SO badly that I'm just sweating; the tallest and most uncomfortable fly on the wall in fucking HISTORY...

And then two NYPD detectives enter the office and ask him to step into the Security Supervisor's office.

Long story short:

He had been seen putting things into his mother's food before feeding her, the ME's report stated that she was ACTUALLY dead more like ten to fifteen minutes after her son left the room, not forty and he had been misusing her social security checks for years.

The NYPD were waiting on results from a toxicology report from the autopsy they performed a day or so ago.

Security got a call about a half hour ago that he had indeed poisoned her and that she was in the process of dying while he was leaving the building.

He killed his own mother.

And he did it with NO FUCKING FORETHOUGHT WHATSOEVER.

So, since the NYPD showed up, I've had four people tell me I'm in the wrong business.

Score.

And, with that beautifully set up segue...

The CNN viral thing I shot a month or so ago is up.

Now, some people might actually be confused by this.

CNN just released an iPhone app.

The plot of this viral thing is that my character (Martin) and this other character (Paul) claim to have invented the world's first news reporting iPhone app, the Zap News App.

Thing is, it sucks, like, hilariously.

So, we're suing CNN and posting videos on You Tube and yeah.

So.

There's the setup.

Go to http://www.zapnewsapp.com/ for further updates.

Also, the Davidoff Hot Water commercial is on TV here and in Europe.

You can watch it on the Davidoff Hot Water site by going here--> http://www.zinodavidoff.com/fragrances/main.php?lang=en#/hotwater/hotwater/communication/ and clicking "TV".

Or on TV in Europe.

And in the U.S, apparently.

It's two beautiful people fucking on a beach.

And my voice is the post-coital cigarette.

And I fucking love that.

My Method soap, creepy perv/frat boy rapist VO should be up sometime in November and I'll keep you updated on that tip.

This is going to be fucking awesome...

http://www.youtube.com/zapnewsapp

Ow.

My eyes hurt.

Seriously, it really is only built for cuban linx.

9.25.09

7:51 pm

Just finished "Rant".

That book takes quite a turn in the last sixth or so.

Way to go, Chuckster.

Watched the remake of Friday the 13th a few nights ago.

While I don't really think the series needed a "reboot" and I would have loved to see the mythic Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash plot that was in the works, they did an all right job of it.

Nothing too cheesy.

And Jason, while still able to apparently teleport, now runs! And has amazing archery and trap laying and tunneling skills!

He was more like a Green Beret gone Section 8 than a supernatural monster man.  He wasn't stabbed or shot forty times without feeling it, he was just really efficient.

I hope they don't make another ten movies before rebooting it again though, that would be a waste.

My mind was wandering on my way to work today and I reflected on just how creepy and awkward a key party is.

Did any of you see The Ice Storm?

Not only a good movie, but a great depiction of just how creepy and awkward a key party could be.

Granted I've been in a committed relationship for almost a decade, but still, sounds creepy and awkward...yeah...you picked those keys...go fuck Fred.

*SHUDDER*

Fred's gross.

Freds are always gross.

Although Freddie McFarren wasn't gross, he was more...rambunctious.

(He was this guy I went to grade school with.)

BUT he wasn't a Fred...he was a Freddie.

Freddie Mercury wasn't gross either so I suppose my hypothesis still holds fruit.

Ah, fruit.

I'm going to read some comics.

Then I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Actually, I'm going to watch Observe and Report.

Whoa.

I just sneezed ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

Hope you like hot dogs...

Happy Tears

9.24.09

8:06 pm

Just finished this week's Onion.

Good one.

Such headlines include "Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam" (with an excellent accompanying photo), "Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached At 3:32 This Friday", "Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist" and an opinion piece by LaVar Burton entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over".

Well done.

About to finish up "Rant", the third most recent Palahniuk book.

After his first few books, it seemed that Chuck Palahniuk grew tired of just writing a book and had to throw in some crazy literary smokescreen (this is a diary written about the owner of a different diary written by a house...in second person) which was maybe to distract from the lackluster core story.

That was totally the case with his latest "Pygmy", but "Rant" (which is told as a series of interviews with people who knew the main character) has a really intriguing world going on in the background.

Picked up "Stranger Than Fiction", Palahniuk's non-fiction collection, today.

When I get in a mood, I really get in a mood, don't I?

I'm also about to embark on the Knightfall storyline from 1992, apparently one of the only Batman stories to really nail Bane rather than just have him be an angry steroids junky.

But, first, No Man's Land, recommended to me by Alan a while ago.

'S gonna be Batastic.

Or maybe even namblatentastic.

Who knows?

Away this weekend for eye stuff.

God damn these rotten grapes.

Rub A Dub Dub...I'm A Frat Boy Rapist

9.18.09

4:03 pm

Remember that busy, motherplucking day I had last week?

Turns out I booked the parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles thing, but they ended up having a callback which was really a re-audition wherein they had the guys just do a normal voice rather than the character voice.

I was a bit peeved because I thought the high pitched one was great, but whatever.

Three hours in a studio with three other guys, four if you include the director, Rob, who is from L.A. and just shot a music video in which hot strippers were covered in slime at 1000 frames per second.

Ah the Business of Show...

It was wonderful, brilliant fun and the improv was filthy.

Should be out the first week or so of November.

The Davidoff thing is out and the CNN thing should be out soon.

I'll post links soon.

Been pretty fruitful recently.

Must be doing something right.

Also put three more Dead Ends up last night, as well as a new pun.

Sure wish Phil and Jess would pull their respective thumbs out of their respective asses and man up...shit, nig.

Going to some pre-wedding thing tomorrow.

*sigh*

I swear there will be no wedding shenanigans for me and Chris.

We're going to get married, quietly, in a lake in Maine or in a coyote den in the desert or in our bathroom, have a "Change of Facebook Status" party and maybe some cake.

Cake for us, not you.

No dresses, airplanes, farting, gifts, beer, nothing.

Just two awesome people in love.

Unless she finds out about my collection of circumcised clitori.

Might be a deal breaker.

Might.

Picking up my iPod today.

The headphone jack was being a dick and Apple wanted to charge me 175 fucking dollars to replace it.

And it would have taken over a week.

Tekserve wanted to charge me $50.

And it took them two days.

So I deferred to Tekserve.

You Apple fucks.

iTunes has a flawed interface!!!

Anyway.

I just came up with a new friend for Peter Firehead to play with.

His name is Mr. Face.

10:54pm
Just as I was about to leave one of the boiled potatoes I work with began to wax political about the mayor.
He lost all credibility (or whatever credibility he started with) when he referred to the mayor's "croonies".

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

9.17.09

3:42 pm

Motherfucker.

I hate.

Killkillkillkillkiollkilklklklkikiklklk.

But let allow me to take a step back...

Sergeant Mann (the guy on 3 to 11 with me who I respected and whose company I enjoyed) was fired because the High Up Guy didn't like him.

The person they have replacing him in this interim is the heinous, skin bleachingly annoying chatterbox loudymouth fucking loquacious duck fucker I mentioned in "Hot Mess Vs. OH-KAY!".

Of course you don't remember her because none of you have ever had the displeasure of having her splinter of a voice and personality jammed into your eyeballs, genitals and under your finger and toenails.

Some bullet points:

Her voice is so high pitched it makes my eyes water.

She is constantly on the phone, where she reverts to what the fuck ever accent she was raised around and starts sort of trilling, putting as many words into one breath as she can, all spoken in that needle high tone of voice.

She does that goddamned "OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-KAY" thing maybe forty times an hour.

She talks with her mouth full.  Now, I don't mean 'with food in her mouth', everyone does that, I mean she crams a fist-sized clod of food into her mouth and starts talking; to people, on the phone, she acts as if it isn't there.  I'm actually okay with that because every time she does it she's just inches away from choking to death and finally shutting the fuck up.

And she's here until further notice.

Not only does the ONE person I don't loathe here lose his job, but they replace him with one of the four people I would gladly kill with my bare hands.

I love life.

I may start taking drugs.

New pun up on RSPS.

Eat it.

Going to keep putting up Fireheads on Mondays.

Almost done with another Dead End.

Maybe tonight? Tomorrow?

I have no idea and I wouldn't tell you if I did.

Inglourious Beavers

9.14.09

3:25 pm

First off, black folks be LOVIN' Medea!!!!

She be alllll like 'Shut up!!" and then she be like "Oh LORD!!!" and then Joe be like "You can't spring all that ugly onna man!!!" and then Joe be like "Shit!!!!"

Can someone PLEASE explain the success or even the appeal of these shitty looking movies?

Please?

Are they like Police Academy for black people?

Like really stupid comedy so stupid that it's funny?

Or like...fuck.

I can't think of a white equivalent.

Someone help me out.

I don't want to watch them...but I might have to just to make sure they are actually terrible.

But again: black folks be LOVIN' THEM SOME MEDEA!!!

And P.S. racist or not, everything above is DIRECT FUCKING QUOTE from two different people working here.

And I was not one of them.

This weekend was full of things and stuff.

On Saturday, I saw 'Inglourious Basterds', finally.

And guess what?

Didn't really like it a lot.

Problem is I've had months of hype (years of it if you know that this is Tarentino's "World War II film" here's been working on/planning since 'Jackie Brown') and after 'Kill Bill' and 'Death Proof' I now have a certain expectations from Tarentino's stuff.

Some of it was great, but a lot of it just seemed a bit...un-Tarentino.

Plus the fact that he named the movie after this troop of Nazi-killing maniacs who were in the movie for about a half hour.

Only four or five or the eight of them even speak!

I didn't feel any connection to them and they're the title of the movie.

Oh well.

Maybe his World War III movie will be better.

Was going to see 'World's Greatest Dad' but the fucking thing doesn't exist anymore.

It was released on August 21st and now, it's playing in White Plains, NY.

That's it.

Robin Williams must have REALLY sucked in his last ten movies or so to be this badly treated.

Sunday was the shit.

I went hiking on Bear Mountain with Chris and we went to this zoo that was even more the shit than Sunday.

We saw an epileptic bobcat named Natasha, a pair of coyotes, some owls, an excellent box turtle, a British big mouthed bass, a bunch of bears, two or which were frolicking like the bears they were, friendly peepers, the lack of beavers, a belligerent bald eagle, an hyperactive otter, the goddamned laziest pair of porcupines in the world and a bunch of other cool animal friends.

Super awesome.

We then rented a busted ass rowboat which was less fun than being mauled by an epileptic bobcat.

It was truly awesome.

I love animals.

And now I must go because I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HEAR JUST HOW FUNNY MEDEA WAS THIS TIME AROUND!!!

THAT LADY JUST CAN'T KEEP HERSELF OUT OF TROUBLE!!!!!

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!

WHHHOOOOAAAA!!!!!!

Kill. Me.

The Terrorists Have Won.

9.11.09

4:06 pm

Busy, goddamn, motherplucking day.

Three auditions scattered throughout the morning, starting with a faux Darth Vader and a mimicking of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana vocalist for some Halloween thing, then some suede and gravitas vox about keeping kids safe from the flu and finally, some hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles for a parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles.

I'm fucking wrecked.

And to add to the general wreckage, I've been soaked in both rain and sweat since I stepped outside which is supergreat when all the auditions are held in stylishly remodeled meat lockers.

And now I have seven hours left here.

With the Trogs.

Seeing World's Greatest Dad tomorrow with Lisa, Alan and Chris.

Good to see Robin Williams getting something that doesn't involve living kids.

Did that make sense?

God I'm beat.

Oh, also, at the flu/suede/gravitas vox audition, when I entered the lobby and removed my solipsistic headphones, I was assaulted by 520 8th Avenue's...Remembrance Celebration?

It was a bunch of overexcited douchebags in red, white and blue lame jumpsuits singing that song about the caissons rollin' along.

One was actually interacting with the people coming in, marching in place and smiling and, for a second, it was about to address me, but I think my look of hate, disgust and shock might have been enough to deter it.

Remember when people just used to be quiet for Crash Day?

Me neither.

Because IT NEVER HAPPENED.

The media and most everyone else has just been as shrill as on the day it happened.

Honestly, does ANYONE need reminding?

Especially anyone in New York City?!

AND DO THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED BY SOME COCKHOLES IN JUMPSUITS SINGING ABOUT CAISSONS!!?!?!!?

If I'd had mastery of time and space for just that one moment this morning, I would have teleported those fruit snacks back to the morning of September 11th, 2001 and duct taped them all to the fucking North face of Tower One.

Tell me more about your caissons, please.

7:31 pm

So the final four Nine Inch Nails shows were September 2nd, 6th, 8th and last night in L.A.

Over the course of the last two, about half the show was Reznor and his usual band while the rest of it was Reznor pulling out a myriad of guest stars including Dave Navarro (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction), Gary Numan (just Gary Numan), Mike Garson (David Bowie), Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan), HEALTH, Danny Lohner (old NIN bassist), Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) and Atticus Ross (12 Rounds and a lot of work on the last two or three NIN studio albums).

So half of the set was Reznor playing with these guys while they did most of the singing.

When I saw them in New York, everyone in the audience was hoping and praying for Bowie to show up (the son of a whore lives, like, two miles from the gig) but all we got, two nights in a row, was Peter Murphy.

He was only on stage for three songs each night, so it wasn't horrible.

They were both fully Nine Inch Nails concerts.

But the final two Nine Inch Nails shows ever were half other people and a third other people's music.

Quite frankly, I would have been a bit pissed at only hearing fifteen Nine Inch Nails songs preformed by Nine Inch Nails at their last two shows ever (or for five years or ten years or whenever Reznor gets bored of being a newlywed).

The fact that, aside from Danny Lohner, I don't really care much about any of the guests probably lends to that claim.

Bowie would have done it for me though.

But he didn't show up, so, yeah.

Next up: Waiting for NIN to release the concert DVD chronicling the final ten shows ever.

Moichendizing! Moichendizing! Moichendizing!

9:03 pm

So.

A woman just called me, at 9:02 pm on a Friday evening, from what sounded like the best house party since the movies of that name and asked me what insurance I (the operator) take.

I wanted to answer "all typesa shit" but I didn't.

Does this mean I like having my job or merely that I like having a job?

9:33 pm

Just got off the phone with Phil.

We have invented three new words which need definitions:

Namblatencity

(nam-blah-TEN-si-tee)

and

Namblatentastic

(nam-blah-ten-TAS-tic)

and

Namblatenacity
(nam-blah-ten-ASS-i-tee)

Keep it clean.

Peking! Duck!

9.9.09

10:34 pm

What's with me watching a shit load of bad movie lately?

First off, "Mad Max".

Never seen it before, know it's part of some crazy, oft referenced series starring Mel Gibson, Tina Turner and a midget in some post-apocalyptic wasteland battle arena.

How have I NOT seen this, right?

Well, turns out "Mad Max" blows dingoes.

Next, "Knowing".

From the word 'go' I knew this was going to be bad, but I wanted to see why and how.

Nicolas Cage.

Yes, I get it, he's horrible.

But, was he the reason the movie sucked or did his horrible suck infect the whole thing?

So I downloaded it and experienced first hand the disaster that is "Knowing".

The most shocking thing was that the movie (aside from the acting) was pretty good...until the aliens showed up.

*sigh*

Why are there so many aliens in the third acts of movies today?!

Jesus!

And why are all imbued with the ability to ruin a movie so wholly?

The truth is out there...and it is ruining movies.

And last night "Suspiria".

As Chris and I were wading into this ocean of shit, she was furiously Googling this filmic abortion.

Turns out "people" consider it to be one of the best horror movies ever.

I put people in quotes because, after you watch this movie and say it's good, you are no longer considered a human being.

It's not even "so bad it's good" bad.

It's just "bad".

I mean bad.

No quotes.

But, I have just finished the first season of "Fringe".

And I must reassess my original summation of this show.

It is more than just "J.J. Abrams loves the X-Files! Watch!"

It's not nearly as good as the X-Files, but it's a solid show and I look forward to the second season which starts...next week?

And...I've also just finished the new Palahniuk Pygmy.

It wasn't great.

I am about to embark upon the third most recent Palahniuk Rant.

Looks more promising.

Also interested in seeing:

District 9

Inglourious Basterds

Big Fan

Extract

World's Greatest Dad

And finally, I'm thinking of starting up Bite the Music again.

See if we can't fucking get our shit together now that we're five years older.

Working on finishing up some Dead Ends I started when the blog was stated so, keep an eye out.

Okay.

Done.

Oh and Batman Arkham Asylum is fucking awesome.

Can't think of a thing to say...

8.24.09

10:19 pm

I've just finished reading Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book.

In my experience, one concrete way to gauge if I really really love a book (or short story or novella etc.) is by my desire for it not to end.

Or, more correctly, for it to continue without an end; to be able to close one story and open another to find the same characters moving forward in the same universe.

It struck me as I finished The Graveyard Book, that this happens almost every time I finish a work by Neil Gaiman.

This guy...is just nuts.

He needs to just write some massive book bringing all these amazing characters together.

The really nutty thing is: he never really does anything totally novel or original, he just takes what's old and busted and makes it into the new hotness.

Like I said: nuts.

I recommend you read The Graveyard Book if you have not already.

I've had it on my shelf for the better part of a year and only after I heard it beat out Anathem for the Hugo did I even remember t was there.

It had sort of slipped from my mind, something that brings a smile to my face after meeting and getting to know the protagonist.

I also enjoy Gaiman's friendship with Tori Amos.

And with Jonathan Ross.

I feel as if all his works, in some part, contain elements of both of these people.

Usually more Tori than Ross, but she shimmers underneath a lot of his best work.

She really is a modern day muse.

I like the image of Tori and Neil just hanging out.

She's writing a song, he's writing a short story.

Then they just switch.

"Why don't you sing about Morpheus in this verse?" he suggests.

"Why not make Death a spunky, little redhead?" she counters.

I used to picture this in my head when I was younger, the bands and artists I loved working with each other.

When Reznor popped up on "Past The Mission" and then later on Bowie's "Outside" I had this strange, awesome feeling that, slowly but surely, all the artist's I loved were about to announce some massive, genre-melting, industry-redeeming project.

Never really happen though.

I'd still love to see Bowie, Tori and Reznor do something (the second part of the ""trilogy" Bowie started with "Outside" anyone?), just as I'd love to see eels and Beck collaborate.

Beck did cover "Diamond Dogs" and remix "Seven" though, so, that's something.

This Record Club thing I mentioned before would be an excellent opportunity for Beck to Bowie it up.

Can't really picture TMBG really jamming with any of these guys, but who knows?

Someone did make a mash up of "Particle Man" and "Closer"...

Aaaaaand speaking of Bowie and Nine Inch Nails...tomorrow and Wednesday are the final Nine Inch Nails shows in New York...EVER.

At least according to Reznor.

Whatever the case.

I will fucking be there, front and center.

Their first show at the Bowery was a crazy 27 song set and the second night at Webster Hall they played The Downward Spiral in its entirety, front to back, something that's never been done before.

No Bowie though.

And honestly, I don't know why I'm expecting him, but...godfuckingdamnithowfuckingcoolwouldthatbe?

Jesus.

Pretty jazzed over here.

Pretty jazzed.

Jazzed.

New. Hotness.

I have a web comic.
The (Mis)Adventures of Peter Firehead.
It will be updated weekly.
Enjoy.

Martin Scorsese: "I Like Gangster Movies! Whee!"

8.20.09

8:46 pm

I watched Casino last night. 

Somewhat by accident. 

It was one of the first five or so movies I put on my Netflix queue back in, oh, I don't know, 2005?

We also received Hairspray.

We need to pay more attention to the passage of time, specifically with regards to our Netflix queue.

The problem has since been rectified, but, I must speak for a moment about Casino.

Why is Martin Scorsese lauded?

I mean, yeah, the movie was long and Robert DeNiro was in it, but...why?

It just felt so...typical.

I guess maybe that's the point of his films?

Like, anyone can do a gangster film, but Scorsese can do a three hour gangster film.

Not sure.

The Departed was pretty good.

One thing that kept bothering the hell out of me: the number of music cues.

Jesus Fucking Christ, if you played some sort of drinking game linked to the number of times the music shifted in a scene you'd die.

Pick a song.

Stick with it.

Roll camera.

And hey, Joe Pesci as a mobster hot-head?

Brilliant!!

Eh, whatever.

I remember hearing this spoken of as "Sharon Stone's Oscar film" and it definitely felt like that, xmax.

So afterwards I watched some of Basic Instinct 2, just to put things in perspective.

Her legs look like skin bags full of cottage cheese.

*SHUDDER*

Anyway, Beck has been doing some interesting stuff lately.

He redesigned his website (http://www.beck.com/) and has been updating it with excellent little tidbits every two days or so.

One is a section entitled "Irrelevant Topics", which is Beck just talking to some other person in the industry about nothing in particular.  The first was him and Tom Waits and the second was him and Will Ferrell.

There's also something called "Planned Obsolescence" which is...like a mix tape, but a mix tape of stuff Beck listens to, which is...enlightening.

Only problem with that is Beck doesn't allow it to be downloaded, a problem Beck (or his label) seems to have with a lot of things.

The other two sections are far more intriguing and fun.

About a year ago, Beck released "Modern Guilt", a Beck-does-a-60's-album album.

Pretty cool stuff.

Not as long or lush as some of his other ventures, but good.

A few months ago, when he and his band returned from Japan, they went into the studio and re-recorded the album in a more acoustic, stripped down fashion and they've been posting it, a track at a time for the past month or so.

Some of it doesn't translate as well (Walls), but some of it allows you to see the song without all the Pro Tools (Chemtrails).

Along with "Modern Guilt Acoustic" Beck has introduced "Record Club".

THIS is the shiznit.

Beck got together with a bunch of other music people (including Giovanni Ribisi and Nigel Godrich) and, in a day, recorded, in its entirety, "The Velvet Underground & Nico".

He plans to do this again and has already with Sonic Youth's EVOL and some other album with MGMT..

I think Prince should do this, because, for all his prolificacy, he's just not doing a lot of good stuff.

Every three albums you get two or three memorable songs and that's just sad.

BUT Prince's recent cover of "Crimson and Clover" was the bomb.

And Foo Fighter's cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki" is also the bomb.

I'm just saying.

The only problem I really have with Beck is (and again, this could be him or his trundling, prehistorically out-of-date label) the stinginess.

When "Modern Guilt" came out, you could go to Beck's myspace and listen to thirty seconds of the new single.

Thirty seconds.

The single was already on the radio and on iTunes (and the whole album had already leaked to the torrent sites), but you could only hear thirty seconds of it.

Along with this is the plan to release a limited edition EP with some of the acoustic versions of the "Modern Guilt" songs on it.

Uh...

The same songs that I can hear on the website for free?

The same songs that, like all of the Record Club and Planned Obsolescence, can be downloaded from a torrent site about an hour after it's posted?

No, I'm not going to pay you for five of these ten songs.

This speaks directly to either Beck's lack of business savvy and disconnection from the modern music fan or that of his label.

I'd like to think it's his label that's not only out of touch but scrambling for already-tried-and-failed methods of raping a few more dollars out of the fans because the idea that Beck is the one saying, "yeah, let's charge them extra for this too" really fucks with the friendly-if-a-bit-vacant-hippy-spaceman -funk-folkster image he's created over the years.

Fingers crossed that the next Record Club with be They Might Be Giant's "Factory Showroom".

Beck could kick the shit out of S~E~X~X~Y...

Also, last week I had my first on screen gig since the Rock Band 2 thing last year.

NOT ONLY did I get to actually act, but I even got to improv.

It was...freeing.

The whole thing was rock solid except for the fact that I had a tiny piece of silicon from my ear plugs stuck in my right ear, cutting off any and all sound.

A little disorienting, but nothing world ending.

That should be all over CNN.com in the coming weeks.

AAAnd I just received the "Davidoff Hot Water" spots.

God damn.

They are just straight up beach porn with my dripping-wet-love-taco voice trailing along at the end.

As soon as they're released, I'll post a link or something.

Tomorrow morning I record yet another VO for the Adrenalina folks.

They like me and pay me so I like them.

It's as simple as that.

Thinking about seeing Inglourious Basterds this weekend.

Liquid Swords...of Metal

8.17.09

4:12 pm

This weekend, the Ageless Question (Does food taste better when cut with a machete?) was finally answered:

Yes.

Yes, it most certainly does.

This Saturday evening marked our first (Annual? Bi-annual? Seasonal?) Rooftop Machete Party.

Now, anyone who knows me also knows that when I plan something, anything, I create this Plato-Chained Ideal in my mind; well, this event was one for the Cave, folks.

We had an excellent turn out, several varieties of fruit (including some things that WEREN'T FRUIT AT ALL!!!) and a two and a half foot blade with which to massacre them.

The fruit, not the people.

After the rooftop hackery, we brought our sliced, diced and maimed trophies down to the kitchen where Kate Strauss, Purveyor of the Blade, Harbinger of Chaos, Mistress de La Machete made some kickass smoothies.

With real fruit.

Which we had just destroyed with an authentic Honduran machete.

Then came the Destruction of the Coconuts.

There will be footage up on YouTube soon, so I'll just bullet point it:

• Hammer
• Saw
• Lime in the coconut (drunk bode up)
• Coconut Memories

After that, in order to end on a fruit-related note, we all sat around and played Apples to Apples.

Then I ate a quarter of a watermelon in the bathtub, which was filmed by Ray.

It's...Lovecraftian.

That will also be up along with highlights from the roof, soon.

Thanks to everyone who came out and swung the blade.

And superspecial thanks to Kate, who rocks like the Grand Canyon and who made this epic, shimmering madness possible.

And who no longer has any culpability or legal responsibility for the aforementioned machete which she has presented to Christina and myself.

Dictated, not read.

The law firm of Booger, Booger and Fartybutts.

Happy Birthday...Welcome to Hell

First off, end of June/beginning of July: go fuck yourself.
Now, for Jess' Birthday I wrote and recorded her a song.
It's awesome.
But, I didn't just hand it to her, that's gay.
I made a tiny, Jess-sized ARG for her with the song as the reward.
As of this moment, she's stuck on the very last element of said ARG.
Anyway, the first step of the ARG was this video .
Didn't really plan for it to end up this creepy, but, whatever.
Shut the fuck up and eat the corn.
Just thought I'd share.

They're not just a band...they're a social club.

6.23.09

5:21 pm

The Street Sweeper Social Club album came out last week.  They opened for NIN and were excellent so I decided to check it out. 

Wow.  SO flat on wax.  Not even worth mentioning.

See them live or don't bother yourself with them at all.

Chris is away with massive Dad issues.

Things are very confusing at the moment.

Lots of trepidation.