Improper Sexual Contact

10.27.09
4:05 pm

Salacious title, no?

I was on the subway today when I heard through my headphones a NEW service announcement from the Man Robot.

It was along the lines of "a crowded subway car is not an excuse for improper sexual contact".

I can't BEGIN to tell you the problems with this statement.

A. A crowded subway car is an excuse for selling candy for non-existent basketball teams, Mariachi bands, people screaming about how GOD FUCKING LOVES YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!, people with no legs and naked cowboys.  It is ABSOLUTELY an excuse for improper sexual conduct.

B. Does this mean it's an excuse for proper sexual contact? Like, with condoms and spermacide and hand holding and stuff?

C. Fuck you, MTA.  If you're going to shut down the trains I need to get home before fucking midnight then I'll use your trains to fuck, rub, grope, hump, grind, lick and snuggle whoever and whatever I see fit, whenever I see fit.

Suck my fucking eyes.

Finally, speaking of improper sexual contact, those Sweet Millions ads on the subways featuring the baby pigs, cats, dogs and ducks?

Brilliant.

I have never played Lotto and I never plan to, but they make me smile.

Oh, and again, I saw myself on TV twice last night, once around 12:10 and again around 1:15.

One was a different edit of the "iReport This CNN!" spot and the second was a brand new one that was mostly me.

Fucking surreal.

More to come all this week.

And finally finally for reals, the hallway is done and the kitchen is done...this Halloween party is going to be downright Cthuvian.

Spetznaz-29

8.8.06
4:35 PM
Today might be the return of the two hour lunch breaks….
The other day I was on the train with my headphones and they were doing a great job of isolating me. Between songs, there was a silence and I heard the words “pedophile filed”. Obviously I stopped my music and listened on. There was a man stalking up and down my Subway car holding out a newspaper to people and talking about how this guy molested a four year old girl ands then sued someone for calling him a pedophile or something along those lines. He asking people to rip up the newspaper with the story in it, I think. He was mostly intelligible, but not entirely. Anyway, he seemed upset at the whole thing and I concur.
On an unrelated note, the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine, not Ass To Mouth) here smells like Bumper Cars.
I plan to eat Sesame Chicken for dinner. Mmmmm…
Oh, and all of my “Taken From Me” videos have been viewed. Nine of them have single digit view numbers, but “Love” (the one co-starring Pinky) has 1,006 since last Friday. I guess it’s true that the Internet loves a dildo.

9:50 PM
I think I’ve just eaten the worst Chinese food in my life. Usually, Happy Wok (my source for Happy Chinese fun) is 90 to 100% each and every tyime I order from them, but today? The sesame chicken was dry and crackly; utterly unsatisfying. I threw mostofit away. The egg roll was sub par and THAT is always an affront to God. The only somewhat redeeming element of this meal was something I had never tried before. It was called “sliced BBQ pork roast pork” according to the menu, and when I first removed it from the bag my heart stopped. Imagine getting the typical clear, plastic tub usually reserved for soup, and finding it filled with ichor. Then, upon closer examination, you notice things floating in the ichor. Strips of flesh and strings of tendon seeming to twitch whilst suspended in this liquid that could only have come from another dimension…probably from beyond the stars. I was trepidacious, but it tasted just fine and for four dollars you apparently get a whole pig, so I have some left over if anyone is interested in coming over and tasting my Lovecraft pork.
What an unsatisfying meal. My tummy tum demands recompense! Dues must be paid!! The dragon must be sated!!! FUCK DA POLEESE!!!!