4.29.2004
Addendum...
I just took a closer look at the "wedding" page and noticed that Blake and Michelle plan to name thir first child Bort. This is why she gets a journal entry, people.
A Moment for Michelle
Now I know we all make a lot of fun of Canada, but much in the way Ginny redeems the whole nation of Britain for me after that useless spam-purse Melissa took away all the glamour, this here friend of mine does the same for Canada.
The first time I knew of Michelle was in my 9th grade Honors English class (taught by Mr. Jakubisin, a crazy nut in all respects of the word) on “poetry day” where that redneck fuckwad Matt Dukes brought in some Clint Black lyrics or something really stupid like that. I had brought in a clip from “The State”, namely “Fragments” and a recording of “This Poem Sucks” by Michael Myers from So I Married An Axe Murderer. There was this new girl in the back and when she rose to read her selection (James Whitcomb Riley’s “Little Orphant Annie”) I noticed that on the line “An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you e’f you don’t watch out!” she said “out” as “oot”. At first I thought…”oot? What the hell is that?” And then I realized…”Whoa…she’s Canadian…cool.” At that point in my life I had yet to meet and Canadians and the fact that there was one in Orlando, Florida? It made no sense to me. Her and I got to know each other through the Debate (where the smart ones went) and had many misadventures with Seth and Aaron. Some which must be recounted now:
Once, on a Debate trip to some place, Michelle and Katie Reid came into my hotel room and smeared Marinara sauce (from our cheese calzones) all over the toilet in my bathroom in the hopes it would look like menstrual blood.
Another time when Michelle had just gotten her driver’s license and took me to Best Buy to pick some CD’s up and I kept screaming “WATCH OUT!” and the like to try and get us killed; later that same day I remember her entering a one way street from the wrong end and being very frightened.
I remember when her and Aaron and I played Truth or Dare and she made me kiss Aaron. Another time when her and Aaron and I played “What Body Part Am I Touching?” And yet another time when we all stayed up making a really shitty project for the school Physics Fair. Fucking worthless Lego, defying the god damn Laws of Physics.
There was the time her and I saw the X-Files movie and burst out laughing when the Well Dressed Man came into the room and said “I’m sorry I am late…my grandson broke his leg.”
Then there was the first time she visited me in NYC. I met her at the bus station (she had taken the 4 am to 7 am bus) and she told me she had upchucked Raman on the bus. She had a sad pride in the admission and it was priceless. The next time she visited NY she arrived with Aaron and we all had fun except for the fact that the pot use was ruining Aaron capacity to remember our wealth of in jokes and such.
That trip was the last time I saw Michelle and recently I looked her up on-line and found a picture of her at some conference, looking smarmy. I was about to call her when I found out that Aaron had just called her after a long period of time and I thought that would be too strange. So anyway, at this moment, Michelle is planning to get married to an ex-DJ named Blake. However…I happen to know this is a sham marriage. And Michelle did a very clever thing: she sent me the wedding web page letting me know the where and when so I can crash it. Excellent. Road trip anyone?
Here is her picture and don’t think that the red eyes are an effect of the camera, see Michelle is a vegetarian (who has started eating fish) so she has demons inside. That’s aboot that. Oh, and here is the "wedding" web page. www.blakeandmysh.ca Please send Ramen, Kraft Mac & Cheese and rat food.
The first time I knew of Michelle was in my 9th grade Honors English class (taught by Mr. Jakubisin, a crazy nut in all respects of the word) on “poetry day” where that redneck fuckwad Matt Dukes brought in some Clint Black lyrics or something really stupid like that. I had brought in a clip from “The State”, namely “Fragments” and a recording of “This Poem Sucks” by Michael Myers from So I Married An Axe Murderer. There was this new girl in the back and when she rose to read her selection (James Whitcomb Riley’s “Little Orphant Annie”) I noticed that on the line “An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you e’f you don’t watch out!” she said “out” as “oot”. At first I thought…”oot? What the hell is that?” And then I realized…”Whoa…she’s Canadian…cool.” At that point in my life I had yet to meet and Canadians and the fact that there was one in Orlando, Florida? It made no sense to me. Her and I got to know each other through the Debate (where the smart ones went) and had many misadventures with Seth and Aaron. Some which must be recounted now:
Once, on a Debate trip to some place, Michelle and Katie Reid came into my hotel room and smeared Marinara sauce (from our cheese calzones) all over the toilet in my bathroom in the hopes it would look like menstrual blood.
Another time when Michelle had just gotten her driver’s license and took me to Best Buy to pick some CD’s up and I kept screaming “WATCH OUT!” and the like to try and get us killed; later that same day I remember her entering a one way street from the wrong end and being very frightened.
I remember when her and Aaron and I played Truth or Dare and she made me kiss Aaron. Another time when her and Aaron and I played “What Body Part Am I Touching?” And yet another time when we all stayed up making a really shitty project for the school Physics Fair. Fucking worthless Lego, defying the god damn Laws of Physics.
There was the time her and I saw the X-Files movie and burst out laughing when the Well Dressed Man came into the room and said “I’m sorry I am late…my grandson broke his leg.”
Then there was the first time she visited me in NYC. I met her at the bus station (she had taken the 4 am to 7 am bus) and she told me she had upchucked Raman on the bus. She had a sad pride in the admission and it was priceless. The next time she visited NY she arrived with Aaron and we all had fun except for the fact that the pot use was ruining Aaron capacity to remember our wealth of in jokes and such.
That trip was the last time I saw Michelle and recently I looked her up on-line and found a picture of her at some conference, looking smarmy. I was about to call her when I found out that Aaron had just called her after a long period of time and I thought that would be too strange. So anyway, at this moment, Michelle is planning to get married to an ex-DJ named Blake. However…I happen to know this is a sham marriage. And Michelle did a very clever thing: she sent me the wedding web page letting me know the where and when so I can crash it. Excellent. Road trip anyone?
Here is her picture and don’t think that the red eyes are an effect of the camera, see Michelle is a vegetarian (who has started eating fish) so she has demons inside. That’s aboot that. Oh, and here is the "wedding" web page. www.blakeandmysh.ca Please send Ramen, Kraft Mac & Cheese and rat food.
4.22.2004
Funk Master Me
God damn. What a funky day. So I was jerked from my dream featuring Katrina and Katie Reynolds (who had aged to look JUST LIKE HER MOTHER and who had become a real estate dealer) to my phone beeping at 6am. Why? Because today I was to suckle from the swollen teat of the Coca Cola Company. I headed out before the sun was up (fuck you all, it was really creepy) and trained to Brooklyn. I headed for Spectrum (the disco from Saturday Night Fever). I sat for hours enjoying AMAZING FOOD from Kraft Services and finally, after a delectable lunch I was called for on the dance floor. Long story short, I danced on the same floor that John Travolta danced on 30 years ago. I caught a Coca Cola Light and hit the fucking pose. It was one of the most amazing days of my short life. I also made a few friends that hopefully you will all meet. Pete took pictures and hopefully we will get some. Amazing day. Also, I am digging most of the Tweaker album, so you can all stop worrying. Now, I am off like fruit from a tree.
4.21.2004
BUSY FUCKING WEEK. Full of ups and downs and etc. I shot the NBA thing last week, went to my first fitting for the Coke thing on Saturday, then rehearsal for it on Monday plus another fitting later that day, I shoot on Thursday and then Saturday I go into rehearsal for the next reading of Women of Athens (this musical that's cool), same with Sunday and then Monday, one more rehearsal then the reading at 3 p.m. at the NYTW. I also found out the Coke commercial WILL NOT be shown in the U.S., but rather Spain and Portugal only. Hm. Well...if I ever move to Spain or Portugal I am set as far as pussy and Coca Cola Light. The shoot tomorrow is at Spectrum (the club with the lighted dance floor used in Saturday Night Fever). I get to hit the Travolta "pointing at the sky" pose. Aw yeah. In the past week, I picked us the Fifth Element DVD (thank you again, Alan) and the Hudson Hawk DVD (thank you Paul). Kaitlyn was forced to watch Fifth Element and didn’t like it. So I hate her MORE, if that’s possible. Yesterday I picked up the new Tweaker album (which I was REALLY looking forward to) and at this moment, less than 24 hours after my purchase, I am very disappointed. Hopefully it will grow on me like disco fungus. I am ready to leave my job at the Roundabout Theatre now, and all I need is to secure a part time position at the hospital. Once I do? Oh boy...I have never been able to burn a bridge for real before...I think I might like this. Alright, I'm going to buy Usual Suspects on DVD now because A) as of right now, I am in the money and B) buying things makes me feel like I've achieved something and therefore makes my feel less useless. YEAH! YOU CAN KILL MY BODY BUT MY SOUL IS ALREADY DEAD! WOO! ...dot...
4.16.2004
As I walked down the street today, I passed a small child. For just a moment, I thought it was a midget and I had the brief, delicious image of three midgets walking towards me, minding their business and suddenly, I grab each one in turn under the arms, lift them to my face and bellow "HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!". That kept me grinning all fucking day.
Knives out...
"My name is Prince and I am funky."
I submit, for everyone's* consideration, a challenge to propose the best Prince lyric, ever. Hurt me...
*"everyone" will most probably include myself, Rev. Philip Wiliiam Fortes Tucker and Dr. William James Paul Pomerantz VII, but I would love to be surprised...
I submit, for everyone's* consideration, a challenge to propose the best Prince lyric, ever. Hurt me...
*"everyone" will most probably include myself, Rev. Philip Wiliiam Fortes Tucker and Dr. William James Paul Pomerantz VII, but I would love to be surprised...
In a zip lock bag...in the freezer...
Hey, so at the urgings of people, I have decided to put this up on live journal (not that the other two people that read this won't find out eventually). Last week I got a call from my agent and was informed that I had booked not only one commercial, but two. The first shot yesterday and it was a promo spot for the NBA finals. I played a rocker and this was the most fun I have ever had. When the commercial is shown (around June) you’ll all know what I’m talking about.
The other commercial is for the new Coca Cola Light (the European version of Diet Coke- that tastes much better apparently- coming over to America soon). That is going to be in production from the 17th to the 23rd and I don’t know when it will air. But I WILL be disco dancing and that’s all anyone needs to know.
One of the best parts of this is that my bud from Fordham (who is also with my agent) got the Coke commercial too. So we are going to bust a move 70’s style AND get mad fat cash for it. THIS IS THE AMERICA I WAS PROMISED.
The other commercial is for the new Coca Cola Light (the European version of Diet Coke- that tastes much better apparently- coming over to America soon). That is going to be in production from the 17th to the 23rd and I don’t know when it will air. But I WILL be disco dancing and that’s all anyone needs to know.
One of the best parts of this is that my bud from Fordham (who is also with my agent) got the Coke commercial too. So we are going to bust a move 70’s style AND get mad fat cash for it. THIS IS THE AMERICA I WAS PROMISED.
4.10.2004
4.04.2004
"Rosebud...I mean...SCHWING!!"
Never before have I actually been happy about that spring forward, fall back thing until last night. It was 1:58, then 1:59, then, BOOM, 3am. Granted, that made it only a little less hellish, but I will take what I can get. I gave Phil a call in Miami and charged the rather large bill to the hospital, but I’m okay with that. We spoke of may things…we figured out what animals we would be, then, finding that way too easy (it took about 3 minutes) we decided to figure out which historical/political figures we are. In the end, we decided that Will is a Golden Retriever or a St. Bernard, trustworthy, sleek, helpful, and very hairy. Phil was a jungle cat, something slinky and dark and swarthy, very swarthy, a puma or jaguar or lynx or panther, you dig. I myself was a duck-billed platypus. No explanation necessary. As far as the political/historical figures, we figures I was the Roman Emperor, Caligula, who, aside from making his horse his chief advisor, would also take swims in a pool filled with little boys would were instructed to nip his naked body like small fish while he was in it. Again, no explanation necessary. We discussed Cardinal Richelieu for Phil but couldn’t make up our minds. We then debated about Will for awhile eventually agreeing that he was far too nice to be an actual figure from history, so we were trying to figure out which mythical figure from American history he best resembles. We never actually nailed it down, although William Tell was a forerunner. Along with that interesting little moment we also discussed which of us will die first and why. VERY enlightening. Then there was this:
***
1:38 AM 4/4/04
So, this is weird. Every late night/early morning shift I have at the Hospital, there’s this guy, Jardine, I think his name is, who pokes his head around the corner of my switchboard and gives me this sly, knowing look as he hands me a Styrofoam cup full of ice. Yeah. A Styrofoam cup of ice. Nothing else, just ice. See, that would be a little odd but for that knowing glance he gives me. As if he’s saying, “Oh…you know…” or “Yup, another shift, another cup of ice…” And sometimes I wonder if he would be angry to know that as soon as he leaves the room, I always throw it out. I don’t think I’ll ask him.
3:09 AM 4/4/04
I have three problems with “Purple Rain” (the movie and the music). First, no one ever makes ANY comments whatsoever on how he is dressed and secondly, people are always saying that he’s a terrible musician because his songs make no sense to anyone but him. That’s just not true. They are all very straightforward songs. Then the song “Darling Nikki”: it ends on a such a sad note like he’ll never see her again, but he clearly says, “I woke up the next morning, Nikki wasn’t there, I looked all over and all I found was a phone number on the stairs, it said ‘thank you for a funky time, call me up whenever you want to grind’. He can call her anytime, so why is he so bereft? I guess he’s just a sensitive, sexy, easily upset man. Hm.
***
And! I got my snazzy new t-shirt yesterday. You should have SEEN the jealousy I was getting from all the playa haters. But, I told them what I always do, "don't hate the playa...stop acting like goddamn cavemen...EVOLVE, FOR THE EMPEROR NEO CALIGULA COMMANDS IT!" Caligula don't take no shit...from no one, except my advisor, Barrington also known as the Vice Emperor Bersy Boo.
***
1:38 AM 4/4/04
So, this is weird. Every late night/early morning shift I have at the Hospital, there’s this guy, Jardine, I think his name is, who pokes his head around the corner of my switchboard and gives me this sly, knowing look as he hands me a Styrofoam cup full of ice. Yeah. A Styrofoam cup of ice. Nothing else, just ice. See, that would be a little odd but for that knowing glance he gives me. As if he’s saying, “Oh…you know…” or “Yup, another shift, another cup of ice…” And sometimes I wonder if he would be angry to know that as soon as he leaves the room, I always throw it out. I don’t think I’ll ask him.
3:09 AM 4/4/04
I have three problems with “Purple Rain” (the movie and the music). First, no one ever makes ANY comments whatsoever on how he is dressed and secondly, people are always saying that he’s a terrible musician because his songs make no sense to anyone but him. That’s just not true. They are all very straightforward songs. Then the song “Darling Nikki”: it ends on a such a sad note like he’ll never see her again, but he clearly says, “I woke up the next morning, Nikki wasn’t there, I looked all over and all I found was a phone number on the stairs, it said ‘thank you for a funky time, call me up whenever you want to grind’. He can call her anytime, so why is he so bereft? I guess he’s just a sensitive, sexy, easily upset man. Hm.
***
And! I got my snazzy new t-shirt yesterday. You should have SEEN the jealousy I was getting from all the playa haters. But, I told them what I always do, "don't hate the playa...stop acting like goddamn cavemen...EVOLVE, FOR THE EMPEROR NEO CALIGULA COMMANDS IT!" Caligula don't take no shit...from no one, except my advisor, Barrington also known as the Vice Emperor Bersy Boo.
3.31.2004
Just how much I rock...
Since you asked...if you hop over to Barnes & Noble's web site (http://music.barnesandnoble.com/search/product.asp?userid=2XVOX8SME0&ean=655173103524) you will see my review of the new They Might Be Giants EP. For those of you who don;t care, fucking die. Also, this Monday night (4/5 there is a squad attending a later performance of Eternal Sunshine etc. Get in touch.
3.30.2004
3.27.2004
In Memoriam
Today I am updating my journal in memory of a great man who has recently left us.
Philip William Fortes Tucker
1980-2004)
A few months ago, Philip was attacked by timber wolves whilst in his home in Miami, Florida. He was quietly practicing strategies for Robo Rally, his favorite game, when a dozen of these shaggy, half crazed wolves approached from all around him. He was able to eat several of the wolves and maim many others but before he could finish the job they disappeared, leaving him barely alive. He was taken to a nearby hospital where his condition was upgraded to stable. Sadly though, during his recovery, the remaining wolves, dressed as friends and well-wishers visited him in the hospital and put bleach into his IV, initiating a slow and painful death.
We will all miss Philip and we know he is escorting angelic strippers to their cars in Heaven...or being sodomized by demons resembling Madison Murphy in Hell, we'll never know for sure. Either way, I'm sure he's surprised.
Before he died, Phil carried on a very full and eventful life in 23 years. He was conceived when two sexy comets hit one another. Although the resulting explosion destroyed several star systems, it did create a being that was later named "Phil" by the Owl People who found him. While he was with the Owl People, he became one with them and learned many of their secrets, most of which he will take with him to Heaven or Hell respectively. After being asked to leave the Owl People for convincing many of their women he was gay just to see what would happen, he went to many, many countries such as Brazil, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, Spain and several others in order to further convolute his bizarre accent. Once he had decided that his accent was appropriately muddled and sexy, he arrived in Florida in 1996 or so. He then began role playing. Then the wolf thing happened. A full, full life.
We can all be assured that Philip's only regret was that no one else was an interested in Robo Rally as he was. Rest in Peace.
A few months ago, Philip was attacked by timber wolves whilst in his home in Miami, Florida. He was quietly practicing strategies for Robo Rally, his favorite game, when a dozen of these shaggy, half crazed wolves approached from all around him. He was able to eat several of the wolves and maim many others but before he could finish the job they disappeared, leaving him barely alive. He was taken to a nearby hospital where his condition was upgraded to stable. Sadly though, during his recovery, the remaining wolves, dressed as friends and well-wishers visited him in the hospital and put bleach into his IV, initiating a slow and painful death.
We will all miss Philip and we know he is escorting angelic strippers to their cars in Heaven...or being sodomized by demons resembling Madison Murphy in Hell, we'll never know for sure. Either way, I'm sure he's surprised.
Before he died, Phil carried on a very full and eventful life in 23 years. He was conceived when two sexy comets hit one another. Although the resulting explosion destroyed several star systems, it did create a being that was later named "Phil" by the Owl People who found him. While he was with the Owl People, he became one with them and learned many of their secrets, most of which he will take with him to Heaven or Hell respectively. After being asked to leave the Owl People for convincing many of their women he was gay just to see what would happen, he went to many, many countries such as Brazil, Britain, Ireland, Scotland, Spain and several others in order to further convolute his bizarre accent. Once he had decided that his accent was appropriately muddled and sexy, he arrived in Florida in 1996 or so. He then began role playing. Then the wolf thing happened. A full, full life.
We can all be assured that Philip's only regret was that no one else was an interested in Robo Rally as he was. Rest in Peace.
3.21.2004
Joel Peter Witkin photographed the dead. He would use illegal channels to obtain recently dead John and Jane Doe's from morgues so he could pose them as he wished. This is one such dead model. I find the simple sitting pose with the black bags over her head makes for a very distubing emotion coming from this picture. Witkin created a new genre of photography that was dubbed "deviant photography". I was looking at this picture today and felt connected. Possible I see myself as the model, inert, sitting quietly in a room with a bag over my head, waiting for the medical examiners or anyone to find me and create some impetus. I can hear a noise, but I don't know what it is. Maybe whatever it is is waiting for the right state of putrifaction to start eating me. Who knows.
if he claims enough of our souls
/^\
I had left my notebook at the hospital so I went back over there today to find out that one of the operators had a heart attack and the head of the dept. is away for four weeks. This means a lot more work/money for me. Then...things will be better.
Like a record with dust in its grooves.
I'd say I'm on a 23 degree slope.
"with your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue
the only thing i ever got from you
was sorrow"
3.18.2004
3.15.2004
Vous es tres belle, mama, girls and boys...
I did not go to the Prince orgy last week because it would have been hollow and pointless without two very important and lovesexxy people, so instead, I gave due to Prince in my own way. For my Birthday this year one God among men bestowed upon me a VHS copy of the Prince directed film, Under the Cherry Moon, in which Prince plays Christopher Tracey, a hustler living in Monte Carlo. The soundtrack is the Prince album "Parade" and features a lot of Prince songs no one has ever heard such as Under the Cherry Moon (a very sexy song), Do U Lie? (a whimsical yet sexy song), Girls and Boys (amazingly funky/sexy song), anotherloverholenyohead (very sexy, very funky), Venus de Milo (the powerful instrumental), and the heartbreaking Sometimes it Snows in April which I can't even talk about or I'll burst into tears. Along with these sexy unknown songs is one that might ring a few sex bells, namely Kiss.
Aside from being the world's best singer, dancer, dresser and lover, Prince is now officially the world's best actor. In fact, everyone in this film is the world's best actor. The one downside to the whole film is the amount of lovesexxy. For a film starring the sexiest man on all plains of existence, this film weasn't very sexy. Granted, there were some very sexy parts, like Prince in a bathtub, Prince dancing with some woman and Prince playing a piano and giving "the eyes", but I thought it would be a lot sexier. Honestly though, I blame the editor. He was probably so exhausted from ejaculating thousands of times during the course of watching the raw footage that he just used bad judgment and edited out a lot of the sexy. Well whatever, he's in hell for his crimes now. Next step is to find a copy of the SEQUEL to Purple Rain, Graffiti Bridge and make it mine. I feel sorry for everyone who can't grasp the whole of Prince, I really do. Your lives will never be full.
Aside from being the world's best singer, dancer, dresser and lover, Prince is now officially the world's best actor. In fact, everyone in this film is the world's best actor. The one downside to the whole film is the amount of lovesexxy. For a film starring the sexiest man on all plains of existence, this film weasn't very sexy. Granted, there were some very sexy parts, like Prince in a bathtub, Prince dancing with some woman and Prince playing a piano and giving "the eyes", but I thought it would be a lot sexier. Honestly though, I blame the editor. He was probably so exhausted from ejaculating thousands of times during the course of watching the raw footage that he just used bad judgment and edited out a lot of the sexy. Well whatever, he's in hell for his crimes now. Next step is to find a copy of the SEQUEL to Purple Rain, Graffiti Bridge and make it mine. I feel sorry for everyone who can't grasp the whole of Prince, I really do. Your lives will never be full.
3.11.2004
WE ARE GOING TO THIS
Wether or not you are aware, Prince has been inducted into The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame and tomorrow night there is a party in honor of him. It's at a club on 39th between 5th and 6th. ten dollars at the door with the below flyer. If you don't go to this, you are cut the fuck off, why? A. It's for Prince and B. this is the first time EVER I have actuvly wanted to go to any club ever. So make your choice.
http://keistar.com/gallery/031504.htm
http://keistar.com/gallery/031504.htm
3.09.2004
Sin is in!!
Okay blasphemers! I was reflecting on sin the other day. Sin and the 10 Commandments and how they relate to me and I relate to them as a ...what...lapsed Catholic? Recovering Christian? I don't know. And so I ran through all 17 (the 10 laws of God and the 7 Deadly sins, I decided to skip over the 7 Cardinal Virtues cuz they are outdated and no one I know exemplifies any of them, but that isn't your fault, it's mine for having such terribly damned friends...) and thought it would be interesting (time consuming) to write something about them and their relation to my self.
1. Thou shall not have false gods (don't worship things that aren't God)
As far as actually worshipping other gods? I have never brought a virgin to an oracle, I have never drunk wine then fucked a goat for Dionysus and I have never eaten a urine soaked communion wafer, so I think I’m good on that one.
2. Thou shall not take the Lord’s Name in vain. (don’t say “God” in an irreverent fashion, i.e. God damn it, God hates you, oh my God etc.)
If I’m going to hell for this, I will see 99% of the world there.
3. Thou shall keep the Sabbath holy. (go to Church at least ever week and observe the stuff you are supposed to observe on the Sabbath- no business, no working, no meat etc.)
I did this for about 14 years straight (and was bored out of my scrotum EVERY MOTHER BEATING SECOND. Since I left mine parents home I think I’ve been to Church maybe a dozen times in the past five years.
4. Honor thy father and mother. (do what mom and dad say, no matter what)
Between 1995 and 1999 (while I was in those “troubled years” I developed an intense hatred for my father and his illogical, old fashioned ways. I found that the further away from him and his rules I am, the better my life is. And that’s as good a reason as any to visit Will dans Frances and Jade dans Australia. Honestly though, once I was at college and he really couldn’t affect me directly anymore things improved, but if this is a damnable offense, then count me in, who wants barbecued soul?
5. Thou shall not kill. (don’t kill people...dumb ass)
Aside from the occasional insect, I think I’m good, but then again…I hate Kaitlyn a WHOLE LOT but I think if I killed her, God would understand the whole lesser of two evils thing and give me some merit points for doing what he was going to let happen painfully over years and years with alcoholism, drug abuse, an eventual addiction to cigarettes and scorching STD’s acquired from black men she’s fucked in order to find “the good one”. So, I guess the answer is “not yet.”
6. Thou shall not commit adultery. (don’t “play baseball” with anyone who isn’t your spouse)
Oddly enough, the only person I know who isn’t damned already is Kaitlyn. HA! Just kidding, you’re fucked, Jungle Feveress. Aside from a handful of people, I think everyone I know is toast. Oh well. Pass the love butter.
7. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (don’t lie)
Let's just say "yes".
8. Thou shall not steal (na'mean?)
I think we’ve all stolen something at some time or other. Kaitlyn, for instance, has stolen my heart…and she will burn in hell for that offense against me and God.
9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife (keep your dirty mind to yourself)
10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors’ goods (keep you dirty mind to yourself)
These two are the same, pretty much. If you have ever been jealous and wanted something that wasn’t yours, welcome to Hell. Yeah, I’ve done that. This commandment is an excellent segue into the Seven Deadly Sins…
Whereas I was recounting if I had broken them or not, with the Seven Big Ones I am going to delve into just how fun they are.
1. Envy
We have all wanted something that wasn’t ours. This is not a fun sin. Wanting things we don’t have reminds us that we don’t have them, and that is shitty. It makes us go out, buy ice cream and eat til’ we are fat.
2. Gluttony
This is a really fun sin. It’s fun because you get to eat pizza. Every time you don’t really need the extra slice (pizza, cheese cake, pie etc) and you take it? Glutton. Granted that the next day you might regret it (oh GOD, look at my thighs!), but then you don’t have to worry about Gluttony anymore, you Vain fucker…
3. Vanity (Pride)
This isn’t a very fun one either. It takes time (hours to make yourself look banging) and money (for the cosmetics and clothes one uses to become banging) and in the end, the better you look, the more of a sinner you are! AND this sin comes directly from another sin! I ate a lot last night so now I have to do something to make myself look better. This is a clear case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Again, unless you have a lot of time and money this is not a fun one. But if you DO have a lot of money…
4. Avarice (Greed, you layperson)
Something like Gluttony, but not as fun. Greed is more like, “although I have enough, I want more so I will always have enough”. “Enough” in this case means “more than you” and that’s why it’s worse than Gluttony and more or less fun depending on how spiteful you are…
5. Ire (Anger, you high school lunchpeople)
This is a complicated one. It’s not fun because you are made angry but something bad, but the release that you give into feels good, which can be better then Gluttony and Greed combined. Where Gluttony is more of a passive sin (eating pizza), Ire is more of an active sin. Slapping someone, hitting someone, killing someone or saying something in Ire is considered a sin. That release that comes with hitting someone or whatever, that’s the sin…
6. Lust
Fun fun fun til’ her daddy takes her T Bird away! What in the world is better than hitting the skinz raw style? Nothing jumps to mind. Oh! And what about how after you have sex, you just lay in bed eating pizza? mm…post-coital pizza… Anyway, this is, in my opinion, the best sin. True it feels good to punch someone you hate or to obtain something you’ve always wanted or to eat that FOURTH slice, but it just feels so much better to bust a nut (or fry an egg, respectively). And when the pizza is done? What’s next? Jump out of bed and run a mile? HA! You need to sleep off that sex pizza…
7. Sloth
Have you ever woken up at 6 to your alarm blatting and then turned it off, rolled over and thought I’ll just make something up later….then you’ve given in to another one of the sweetest sins they got, Sloth. Sloth is almost up there with Lust. It’s not as fun as Lust but it’s easier. You simply give in. Although Gluttony is a pretty passive sin, this is THE passive sin. Envy means you WANT that car, Lust means you FUCK that black guy, Gluttony means you EAT that piece of cheese…Sloth? You don’t. You just don’t.
And now the really interesting/depressing thing: All these sins are linked. One results in another which results in another etc. If I may, a scenario: You wake Saturday morning, disagree with the idea of Saturday “morning” and tuck back in for three more hours. You wake Saturday afternoon, find that more agreeable, get out of bed and begin to get ready for tonight. After 6 hours of making yourself look definitively banging, you are ready. You meet your friends at a restaurant where you head for the bathroom as the check arrives in order to skip on that little unpleasantness because if you don’t have enough money for drinks tonight, it’ll suck. After you all leave you go to a club where a few members of the opposite sex come up to you, you don’t consider them attractive enough to dance with and you blow them off, then you see the hottest piece of ass coming towards you, they start dancing with you, you grind like Darling Nikki and enjoy every second of it. Then a more attractive member of your sex comes up and swiftly removes said hottest thing from your life forever, you make sure to mutter curses under your breath and hope that they both choke on each others fluids. You then find the least unattractive of the unattractives that approached you earlier. You decide it will make you feel better to dance with and turn on this toad then dump them, you asshole. BUT…after a few more drinks, you notice they look more attractive than you remember, a few more, they have become the hottest thing in your life so going home with them seems like pretty good idea. After a sweaty, fumbling fuck session, you order Chinese food (or pizza), eat then go to sleep soaking in your own fluids.
Not a typical night for everyone I know, but typical enough. Either way, it’s a clear enough example of how one sin leads to another. But usually things don’t happen that way. It’s a smaller scale. Like you were planning to go to a museum or for a walk in a park, but instead you smoke weed and eat a pizza, or you want to order a pizza but you’re too stoned or tired and you just fall asleep. That was actually witnessed by me last year. My fat roommate Alex was going to go out and pick up meat and cheese and chips for a “snack”, but he said he was too lazy. It was amazing. I actually saw Sloth defeat Gluttony. And how often have you known that if you go out one night, you’ll probably find someone to at least make out with but rented a movie and stayed in? Amazing. It’s clear if we take a moment to look at our own lives that Sloth is the most powerful sin for most people. Lust might be the most fun, but it requires more work and we are Americans. We were made for Sloth…and Anger…and Gluttony, can’t forget that. And Vanity. Greed too. Not Envy, but that’s because if anyone had anything we didn’t we’d just move there and take it. And seldom Lust because we’re just too god damn lazy.
A final note on the ten commandment section for all you “good people” who are thinking I haven’t done but half of those…the Bible considers a thought as bad as a deed. For example, thinking that it would be great if someone just fucking died? That’s number 5. Thinking how great it would be to bang that homeless chick you see everyday, number 6. You get the point. And speaking of the point…hm, well I don’t know, I just wanted to write about the commandments and sins today. How about you reading this? What’s your favorite sin? Which commandments have you not broken?
Did you know that they found Spalding Grey dead apparently by his own hand? That sucks.
I’m done.
1. Thou shall not have false gods (don't worship things that aren't God)
As far as actually worshipping other gods? I have never brought a virgin to an oracle, I have never drunk wine then fucked a goat for Dionysus and I have never eaten a urine soaked communion wafer, so I think I’m good on that one.
2. Thou shall not take the Lord’s Name in vain. (don’t say “God” in an irreverent fashion, i.e. God damn it, God hates you, oh my God etc.)
If I’m going to hell for this, I will see 99% of the world there.
3. Thou shall keep the Sabbath holy. (go to Church at least ever week and observe the stuff you are supposed to observe on the Sabbath- no business, no working, no meat etc.)
I did this for about 14 years straight (and was bored out of my scrotum EVERY MOTHER BEATING SECOND. Since I left mine parents home I think I’ve been to Church maybe a dozen times in the past five years.
4. Honor thy father and mother. (do what mom and dad say, no matter what)
Between 1995 and 1999 (while I was in those “troubled years” I developed an intense hatred for my father and his illogical, old fashioned ways. I found that the further away from him and his rules I am, the better my life is. And that’s as good a reason as any to visit Will dans Frances and Jade dans Australia. Honestly though, once I was at college and he really couldn’t affect me directly anymore things improved, but if this is a damnable offense, then count me in, who wants barbecued soul?
5. Thou shall not kill. (don’t kill people...dumb ass)
Aside from the occasional insect, I think I’m good, but then again…I hate Kaitlyn a WHOLE LOT but I think if I killed her, God would understand the whole lesser of two evils thing and give me some merit points for doing what he was going to let happen painfully over years and years with alcoholism, drug abuse, an eventual addiction to cigarettes and scorching STD’s acquired from black men she’s fucked in order to find “the good one”. So, I guess the answer is “not yet.”
6. Thou shall not commit adultery. (don’t “play baseball” with anyone who isn’t your spouse)
Oddly enough, the only person I know who isn’t damned already is Kaitlyn. HA! Just kidding, you’re fucked, Jungle Feveress. Aside from a handful of people, I think everyone I know is toast. Oh well. Pass the love butter.
7. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (don’t lie)
Let's just say "yes".
8. Thou shall not steal (na'mean?)
I think we’ve all stolen something at some time or other. Kaitlyn, for instance, has stolen my heart…and she will burn in hell for that offense against me and God.
9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife (keep your dirty mind to yourself)
10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors’ goods (keep you dirty mind to yourself)
These two are the same, pretty much. If you have ever been jealous and wanted something that wasn’t yours, welcome to Hell. Yeah, I’ve done that. This commandment is an excellent segue into the Seven Deadly Sins…
Whereas I was recounting if I had broken them or not, with the Seven Big Ones I am going to delve into just how fun they are.
1. Envy
We have all wanted something that wasn’t ours. This is not a fun sin. Wanting things we don’t have reminds us that we don’t have them, and that is shitty. It makes us go out, buy ice cream and eat til’ we are fat.
2. Gluttony
This is a really fun sin. It’s fun because you get to eat pizza. Every time you don’t really need the extra slice (pizza, cheese cake, pie etc) and you take it? Glutton. Granted that the next day you might regret it (oh GOD, look at my thighs!), but then you don’t have to worry about Gluttony anymore, you Vain fucker…
3. Vanity (Pride)
This isn’t a very fun one either. It takes time (hours to make yourself look banging) and money (for the cosmetics and clothes one uses to become banging) and in the end, the better you look, the more of a sinner you are! AND this sin comes directly from another sin! I ate a lot last night so now I have to do something to make myself look better. This is a clear case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Again, unless you have a lot of time and money this is not a fun one. But if you DO have a lot of money…
4. Avarice (Greed, you layperson)
Something like Gluttony, but not as fun. Greed is more like, “although I have enough, I want more so I will always have enough”. “Enough” in this case means “more than you” and that’s why it’s worse than Gluttony and more or less fun depending on how spiteful you are…
5. Ire (Anger, you high school lunchpeople)
This is a complicated one. It’s not fun because you are made angry but something bad, but the release that you give into feels good, which can be better then Gluttony and Greed combined. Where Gluttony is more of a passive sin (eating pizza), Ire is more of an active sin. Slapping someone, hitting someone, killing someone or saying something in Ire is considered a sin. That release that comes with hitting someone or whatever, that’s the sin…
6. Lust
Fun fun fun til’ her daddy takes her T Bird away! What in the world is better than hitting the skinz raw style? Nothing jumps to mind. Oh! And what about how after you have sex, you just lay in bed eating pizza? mm…post-coital pizza… Anyway, this is, in my opinion, the best sin. True it feels good to punch someone you hate or to obtain something you’ve always wanted or to eat that FOURTH slice, but it just feels so much better to bust a nut (or fry an egg, respectively). And when the pizza is done? What’s next? Jump out of bed and run a mile? HA! You need to sleep off that sex pizza…
7. Sloth
Have you ever woken up at 6 to your alarm blatting and then turned it off, rolled over and thought I’ll just make something up later….then you’ve given in to another one of the sweetest sins they got, Sloth. Sloth is almost up there with Lust. It’s not as fun as Lust but it’s easier. You simply give in. Although Gluttony is a pretty passive sin, this is THE passive sin. Envy means you WANT that car, Lust means you FUCK that black guy, Gluttony means you EAT that piece of cheese…Sloth? You don’t. You just don’t.
And now the really interesting/depressing thing: All these sins are linked. One results in another which results in another etc. If I may, a scenario: You wake Saturday morning, disagree with the idea of Saturday “morning” and tuck back in for three more hours. You wake Saturday afternoon, find that more agreeable, get out of bed and begin to get ready for tonight. After 6 hours of making yourself look definitively banging, you are ready. You meet your friends at a restaurant where you head for the bathroom as the check arrives in order to skip on that little unpleasantness because if you don’t have enough money for drinks tonight, it’ll suck. After you all leave you go to a club where a few members of the opposite sex come up to you, you don’t consider them attractive enough to dance with and you blow them off, then you see the hottest piece of ass coming towards you, they start dancing with you, you grind like Darling Nikki and enjoy every second of it. Then a more attractive member of your sex comes up and swiftly removes said hottest thing from your life forever, you make sure to mutter curses under your breath and hope that they both choke on each others fluids. You then find the least unattractive of the unattractives that approached you earlier. You decide it will make you feel better to dance with and turn on this toad then dump them, you asshole. BUT…after a few more drinks, you notice they look more attractive than you remember, a few more, they have become the hottest thing in your life so going home with them seems like pretty good idea. After a sweaty, fumbling fuck session, you order Chinese food (or pizza), eat then go to sleep soaking in your own fluids.
Not a typical night for everyone I know, but typical enough. Either way, it’s a clear enough example of how one sin leads to another. But usually things don’t happen that way. It’s a smaller scale. Like you were planning to go to a museum or for a walk in a park, but instead you smoke weed and eat a pizza, or you want to order a pizza but you’re too stoned or tired and you just fall asleep. That was actually witnessed by me last year. My fat roommate Alex was going to go out and pick up meat and cheese and chips for a “snack”, but he said he was too lazy. It was amazing. I actually saw Sloth defeat Gluttony. And how often have you known that if you go out one night, you’ll probably find someone to at least make out with but rented a movie and stayed in? Amazing. It’s clear if we take a moment to look at our own lives that Sloth is the most powerful sin for most people. Lust might be the most fun, but it requires more work and we are Americans. We were made for Sloth…and Anger…and Gluttony, can’t forget that. And Vanity. Greed too. Not Envy, but that’s because if anyone had anything we didn’t we’d just move there and take it. And seldom Lust because we’re just too god damn lazy.
A final note on the ten commandment section for all you “good people” who are thinking I haven’t done but half of those…the Bible considers a thought as bad as a deed. For example, thinking that it would be great if someone just fucking died? That’s number 5. Thinking how great it would be to bang that homeless chick you see everyday, number 6. You get the point. And speaking of the point…hm, well I don’t know, I just wanted to write about the commandments and sins today. How about you reading this? What’s your favorite sin? Which commandments have you not broken?
Did you know that they found Spalding Grey dead apparently by his own hand? That sucks.
I’m done.
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