Sin is in!!

Okay blasphemers! I was reflecting on sin the other day. Sin and the 10 Commandments and how they relate to me and I relate to them as a ...what...lapsed Catholic? Recovering Christian? I don't know. And so I ran through all 17 (the 10 laws of God and the 7 Deadly sins, I decided to skip over the 7 Cardinal Virtues cuz they are outdated and no one I know exemplifies any of them, but that isn't your fault, it's mine for having such terribly damned friends...) and thought it would be interesting (time consuming) to write something about them and their relation to my self.

1. Thou shall not have false gods (don't worship things that aren't God)
As far as actually worshipping other gods? I have never brought a virgin to an oracle, I have never drunk wine then fucked a goat for Dionysus and I have never eaten a urine soaked communion wafer, so I think I’m good on that one.

2. Thou shall not take the Lord’s Name in vain. (don’t say “God” in an irreverent fashion, i.e. God damn it, God hates you, oh my God etc.)
If I’m going to hell for this, I will see 99% of the world there.

3. Thou shall keep the Sabbath holy. (go to Church at least ever week and observe the stuff you are supposed to observe on the Sabbath- no business, no working, no meat etc.)
I did this for about 14 years straight (and was bored out of my scrotum EVERY MOTHER BEATING SECOND. Since I left mine parents home I think I’ve been to Church maybe a dozen times in the past five years.

4. Honor thy father and mother. (do what mom and dad say, no matter what)
Between 1995 and 1999 (while I was in those “troubled years” I developed an intense hatred for my father and his illogical, old fashioned ways. I found that the further away from him and his rules I am, the better my life is. And that’s as good a reason as any to visit Will dans Frances and Jade dans Australia. Honestly though, once I was at college and he really couldn’t affect me directly anymore things improved, but if this is a damnable offense, then count me in, who wants barbecued soul?

5. Thou shall not kill. (don’t kill people...dumb ass)
Aside from the occasional insect, I think I’m good, but then again…I hate Kaitlyn a WHOLE LOT but I think if I killed her, God would understand the whole lesser of two evils thing and give me some merit points for doing what he was going to let happen painfully over years and years with alcoholism, drug abuse, an eventual addiction to cigarettes and scorching STD’s acquired from black men she’s fucked in order to find “the good one”. So, I guess the answer is “not yet.”

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. (don’t “play baseball” with anyone who isn’t your spouse)
Oddly enough, the only person I know who isn’t damned already is Kaitlyn. HA! Just kidding, you’re fucked, Jungle Feveress. Aside from a handful of people, I think everyone I know is toast. Oh well. Pass the love butter.

7. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (don’t lie)
Let's just say "yes".

8. Thou shall not steal (na'mean?)
I think we’ve all stolen something at some time or other. Kaitlyn, for instance, has stolen my heart…and she will burn in hell for that offense against me and God.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife (keep your dirty mind to yourself)
10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbors’ goods (keep you dirty mind to yourself)
These two are the same, pretty much. If you have ever been jealous and wanted something that wasn’t yours, welcome to Hell. Yeah, I’ve done that. This commandment is an excellent segue into the Seven Deadly Sins…

Whereas I was recounting if I had broken them or not, with the Seven Big Ones I am going to delve into just how fun they are.

1. Envy
We have all wanted something that wasn’t ours. This is not a fun sin. Wanting things we don’t have reminds us that we don’t have them, and that is shitty. It makes us go out, buy ice cream and eat til’ we are fat.

2. Gluttony
This is a really fun sin. It’s fun because you get to eat pizza. Every time you don’t really need the extra slice (pizza, cheese cake, pie etc) and you take it? Glutton. Granted that the next day you might regret it (oh GOD, look at my thighs!), but then you don’t have to worry about Gluttony anymore, you Vain fucker…

3. Vanity (Pride)
This isn’t a very fun one either. It takes time (hours to make yourself look banging) and money (for the cosmetics and clothes one uses to become banging) and in the end, the better you look, the more of a sinner you are! AND this sin comes directly from another sin! I ate a lot last night so now I have to do something to make myself look better. This is a clear case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Again, unless you have a lot of time and money this is not a fun one. But if you DO have a lot of money…

4. Avarice (Greed, you layperson)
Something like Gluttony, but not as fun. Greed is more like, “although I have enough, I want more so I will always have enough”. “Enough” in this case means “more than you” and that’s why it’s worse than Gluttony and more or less fun depending on how spiteful you are…

5. Ire (Anger, you high school lunchpeople)
This is a complicated one. It’s not fun because you are made angry but something bad, but the release that you give into feels good, which can be better then Gluttony and Greed combined. Where Gluttony is more of a passive sin (eating pizza), Ire is more of an active sin. Slapping someone, hitting someone, killing someone or saying something in Ire is considered a sin. That release that comes with hitting someone or whatever, that’s the sin…

6. Lust
Fun fun fun til’ her daddy takes her T Bird away! What in the world is better than hitting the skinz raw style? Nothing jumps to mind. Oh! And what about how after you have sex, you just lay in bed eating pizza? mm…post-coital pizza… Anyway, this is, in my opinion, the best sin. True it feels good to punch someone you hate or to obtain something you’ve always wanted or to eat that FOURTH slice, but it just feels so much better to bust a nut (or fry an egg, respectively). And when the pizza is done? What’s next? Jump out of bed and run a mile? HA! You need to sleep off that sex pizza…

7. Sloth
Have you ever woken up at 6 to your alarm blatting and then turned it off, rolled over and thought I’ll just make something up later….then you’ve given in to another one of the sweetest sins they got, Sloth. Sloth is almost up there with Lust. It’s not as fun as Lust but it’s easier. You simply give in. Although Gluttony is a pretty passive sin, this is THE passive sin. Envy means you WANT that car, Lust means you FUCK that black guy, Gluttony means you EAT that piece of cheese…Sloth? You don’t. You just don’t.

And now the really interesting/depressing thing: All these sins are linked. One results in another which results in another etc. If I may, a scenario: You wake Saturday morning, disagree with the idea of Saturday “morning” and tuck back in for three more hours. You wake Saturday afternoon, find that more agreeable, get out of bed and begin to get ready for tonight. After 6 hours of making yourself look definitively banging, you are ready. You meet your friends at a restaurant where you head for the bathroom as the check arrives in order to skip on that little unpleasantness because if you don’t have enough money for drinks tonight, it’ll suck. After you all leave you go to a club where a few members of the opposite sex come up to you, you don’t consider them attractive enough to dance with and you blow them off, then you see the hottest piece of ass coming towards you, they start dancing with you, you grind like Darling Nikki and enjoy every second of it. Then a more attractive member of your sex comes up and swiftly removes said hottest thing from your life forever, you make sure to mutter curses under your breath and hope that they both choke on each others fluids. You then find the least unattractive of the unattractives that approached you earlier. You decide it will make you feel better to dance with and turn on this toad then dump them, you asshole. BUT…after a few more drinks, you notice they look more attractive than you remember, a few more, they have become the hottest thing in your life so going home with them seems like pretty good idea. After a sweaty, fumbling fuck session, you order Chinese food (or pizza), eat then go to sleep soaking in your own fluids.
Not a typical night for everyone I know, but typical enough. Either way, it’s a clear enough example of how one sin leads to another. But usually things don’t happen that way. It’s a smaller scale. Like you were planning to go to a museum or for a walk in a park, but instead you smoke weed and eat a pizza, or you want to order a pizza but you’re too stoned or tired and you just fall asleep. That was actually witnessed by me last year. My fat roommate Alex was going to go out and pick up meat and cheese and chips for a “snack”, but he said he was too lazy. It was amazing. I actually saw Sloth defeat Gluttony. And how often have you known that if you go out one night, you’ll probably find someone to at least make out with but rented a movie and stayed in? Amazing. It’s clear if we take a moment to look at our own lives that Sloth is the most powerful sin for most people. Lust might be the most fun, but it requires more work and we are Americans. We were made for Sloth…and Anger…and Gluttony, can’t forget that. And Vanity. Greed too. Not Envy, but that’s because if anyone had anything we didn’t we’d just move there and take it. And seldom Lust because we’re just too god damn lazy.
A final note on the ten commandment section for all you “good people” who are thinking I haven’t done but half of those…the Bible considers a thought as bad as a deed. For example, thinking that it would be great if someone just fucking died? That’s number 5. Thinking how great it would be to bang that homeless chick you see everyday, number 6. You get the point. And speaking of the point…hm, well I don’t know, I just wanted to write about the commandments and sins today. How about you reading this? What’s your favorite sin? Which commandments have you not broken?

Did you know that they found Spalding Grey dead apparently by his own hand? That sucks.
I’m done.