A Moment for Michelle

Now I know we all make a lot of fun of Canada, but much in the way Ginny redeems the whole nation of Britain for me after that useless spam-purse Melissa took away all the glamour, this here friend of mine does the same for Canada.
The first time I knew of Michelle was in my 9th grade Honors English class (taught by Mr. Jakubisin, a crazy nut in all respects of the word) on “poetry day” where that redneck fuckwad Matt Dukes brought in some Clint Black lyrics or something really stupid like that. I had brought in a clip from “The State”, namely “Fragments” and a recording of “This Poem Sucks” by Michael Myers from So I Married An Axe Murderer. There was this new girl in the back and when she rose to read her selection (James Whitcomb Riley’s “Little Orphant Annie”) I noticed that on the line “An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you e’f you don’t watch out!” she said “out” as “oot”. At first I thought…”oot? What the hell is that?” And then I realized…”Whoa…she’s Canadian…cool.” At that point in my life I had yet to meet and Canadians and the fact that there was one in Orlando, Florida? It made no sense to me. Her and I got to know each other through the Debate (where the smart ones went) and had many misadventures with Seth and Aaron. Some which must be recounted now:
Once, on a Debate trip to some place, Michelle and Katie Reid came into my hotel room and smeared Marinara sauce (from our cheese calzones) all over the toilet in my bathroom in the hopes it would look like menstrual blood.
Another time when Michelle had just gotten her driver’s license and took me to Best Buy to pick some CD’s up and I kept screaming “WATCH OUT!” and the like to try and get us killed; later that same day I remember her entering a one way street from the wrong end and being very frightened.
I remember when her and Aaron and I played Truth or Dare and she made me kiss Aaron. Another time when her and Aaron and I played “What Body Part Am I Touching?” And yet another time when we all stayed up making a really shitty project for the school Physics Fair. Fucking worthless Lego, defying the god damn Laws of Physics.
There was the time her and I saw the X-Files movie and burst out laughing when the Well Dressed Man came into the room and said “I’m sorry I am late…my grandson broke his leg.”
Then there was the first time she visited me in NYC. I met her at the bus station (she had taken the 4 am to 7 am bus) and she told me she had upchucked Raman on the bus. She had a sad pride in the admission and it was priceless. The next time she visited NY she arrived with Aaron and we all had fun except for the fact that the pot use was ruining Aaron capacity to remember our wealth of in jokes and such.
That trip was the last time I saw Michelle and recently I looked her up on-line and found a picture of her at some conference, looking smarmy. I was about to call her when I found out that Aaron had just called her after a long period of time and I thought that would be too strange. So anyway, at this moment, Michelle is planning to get married to an ex-DJ named Blake. However…I happen to know this is a sham marriage. And Michelle did a very clever thing: she sent me the wedding web page letting me know the where and when so I can crash it. Excellent. Road trip anyone?

Here is her picture and don’t think that the red eyes are an effect of the camera, see Michelle is a vegetarian (who has started eating fish) so she has demons inside. That’s aboot that. Oh, and here is the "wedding" web page. www.blakeandmysh.ca Please send Ramen, Kraft Mac & Cheese and rat food.