The Spy Who Loved Gun

12.06.06
4:46 PM
Sticking with the supernatural feel of “Live and Let Die”, Bond next takes on Dracula…in a track suit aka Francisco Scaramanga, “The Man With The Golden Gun”.
However, Bond has just smitten the God of Death Himself, how could anyone top that with just Dracula?
I’ll tell you how: with a motherfucking midget, that’s how.
That’s right, Christopher Lee is a top shelf assassin who charges one million dollars a hit…and he’s been teamed up with Herve Villechaize from Fantasy Island and Forbidden Zone.
This is probably one of the best Bond themes, not just because it’s super awesome, but because it fits so well into the different scenes of the movie.
Let me clarify, in a lot of Bond movies, the theme will be reinterpreted with various orchestration. The “Man” theme adapted for a chase scene is excellent. It gives a lot of dynamism while the slinky version used in the boner scenes makes you even harder.
Anyway, it appears that Bond is being tracked by this bloodsucking Spawn of Satan and so he decides to hunt him down and kill him first.
Bond goes to see the last person who was with 002 who was reportedly killed by Saruman. This turns out to be a belly dancer of sorts.
After the show, Bond goes in to “meet” her. And by “meet” I mean “suck the golden bullet that killed 002 that the dancer dug from of the wall and put in her belly button as a good luck charm out of her belly button”. Just as he accomplishes this, three totally random guys burst in and proceed to beat the shit out of Bond.
We saw them watching him watching the girl earlier but other than that, no fucking reason these assholes are tooling up on Bond.
Always kind of bothered me.
Q gets a nice dig at Bond when Bond is clueless about some ammunition maker. It’s good to see him win one now and again.
Bond follows this dude to some casino where there is a wild, two-floor betting game involving baskets. I have NO fucking clue what it is, but if it’s anything like the complicated looking card games Bond is used to, it is as simple as having a higher number card than the person on the floor above you.
Bond follows the bullets to Maud Adams who serves as Goldie’s glad rag.
Allow me elucidate…in the theme song (done SO well by Lulu) she sings the line “love is required/whenever he’s hired/he comes just before the kill”.
This means EXACTLY what it says.
So, right before he is to kill someone, he bones Maud Adams, who has cheekbones enough for China.
After the sex, he gets kind of Dracula and starts staring at her and thrusting his gun in her face and it is VERY creepy.
We then see the Bottoms Up club…a Hong Kong titty bar.
Where are Bill Murray’s politely confused countenance and Scarlett Johansen’s gorgeous ass listening to Peaches when you need them?
Outside the titty bar, some dude gets blasted and Bond gets arrested…or does he?
No, he doesn’t.
He gets taken to the wreckage of the Queen Mary Elizabeth…which is actually a hidden base for M and his friends.
Once there, he ups the stakes by telling Q to make him a third nipple.
Why?
Because he is James Bond, secret agent 007 and he wants a fucking third nipple.
And because although no one has ever seen Scaramanga it is known, for some strange reason, that he has a superfluous (thank God) third nipple.
Bond nipples his way into this Chinese industrialist’s home where he meets a naked Chinese girl named (phonetically) Chew Me and tricks the aforementioned Chinese dude (who is in cahoots with the real Scaramanga and ends up tricking Bond) into inviting him for dinner only to be ambushed when he returns to the dude’s place for dinner by two Sumo wrestlers. Bond gives one of them a hyper wedgie and is then knocked unconscious by the midget, Nick Nack.
Then things get awesome.
Bond awakens and finds himself surrounded by hot Chinese dumplings covering him with washcloths and bringing him tea. He thinks he is in heaven…but he is actually in Hell…Karate Hell.
After a moment, the room fills with many severe looking Asian dudes, two of whom spar with swords to the death. Then some harsh badger of a man comes out and kicks air for a bit. Then, Bond must school him and does so by kicking him in the face. Tally ho!
However, that guy was just the soup and salad, this next guy is steak, baby. Ninja Gaiden and Thomas from Kung Fu times hardcore.
Bond karates around a bit then punches this motherfucker in the head and dives out the fucking window only to be met by his contact that brought him to the Queen Mary earlier.
Him…and these two Chinese schoolgirls…
In a second, the karate school bursts open like 3D Karate Champ.
Bond, being the utter gentleman, tells the girls to step back.
They disregard his candor and the proceed to fucking rape these karate school pupils.
Turns out they themselves are Kid Ninjas.
They mop the floor of this Chinese pain restaurant but then, for some stupid reason, the guy and his Sailor Moon cadets drive off without Bond who is forced into a boat chase in a boat much thinner than those in “Live and Let Die”.
Thin boat of not, Bond dispatches the entire Karate school crew team (with the help of a little brown boy that Bond heroically throws into the filthy water).
During his victorious saunter off screen we see an old friend…the one and only Sheriff J.W. Pepper, on holiday in Asia with his equally fat and repulsive wife.
But we’ll come back to him.
Bond takes his contact, Goodnight, a sweet British tart, out to dinner and is presented with Chinese wine, Phoo Yuk. He propositions Goodnight…and she fucking turns him down.
Bam. The sound of two knees clapping…shut.
Bond is so shocked that all he can utter is…Phoo Yuk.
A moment later Bond returns to his room, probably about to masturbate for the first time in 35 years…when he hears a noise and pulls his gun.
If he can’t fuck, then by God he will kill (and probably torture in order to let off some steam).
But there is no need to kill…for it is only Goodnight wearing a scandalous nightie.
When Bond questions her about her frigid vagina a minute ago she simply responds “I’m weak”, a summary of almost every single woman character in every Bond movie.
But anyway, right as Bond is about to have a Goodnight…bam, Cheekbones LaRou busts in giving Goodnight only a fraction of a second to hide in the closet.
She lays it all on the table.
She wants him to kill Dracula. In return she will get him the Solex agitator, some little thing that Scaramanga has that will end the energy crisis.
Aside from money, she will also give Bond cheek.
Bond takes a down payment and then, after she’s left, lets Goodnight out of the closet.
She is upset.
The meeting place for the hand off is a Sumo match. Bond has all his people (the one guy and Goodnight) surround the place, but then finds that Cheek has been killed in front of everyone.
But how?! Only a master assassin could…oh, right.
Bond meets Scaramanga and he tells Bond he enjoyed meeting him very much and please stay out of my way.
Next thing we know, Goodnight is in the trunk of Scaramanga car with the Solex thingy with Bond and Sheriff Pepper chasing them in a stolen car.
Bond (ninja, secret agent) adds a new skill to his resume: stunt driver by driving from one section of broken bridge through the air onto another.
He corners Goldie at a garage and is about to make a frontal assault when the Hong Kong Police (“pointy heads” the Sheriff lovingly refers to them as) pull up and he makes his escape with the help of a flying car modification to his ride.
Very Grand Theft Auto patch.
Bond finds his way to the Island of Dracula where Goodnight has been wandering around in a bikini…just because.
Then Lee turns into the best host ever. He gives Bond a tour, he feeds him lunch and gives him champagne.
He then challenges him to a dual.
His golden gun vs. Bond’s Walther PPK.
Then things get weird…
A little background on this man avec le gun de gold.
He was raised in a circus as a trick shot.
His only friend was an elephant.
One day the trainer shot the elephant in the eye.
The elephant came to Scaramanga and stood on one leg.
Scaramanga shot the trainer.
And thus we have a total explanation for the last scene of the movie.
Bond takes his twenty paces and turns around, firing at nothing.
Sarumanga has disappeared into his hideout.
Nick Nack tells Bond how to find him and leads him into Scaramanga’s personal assassin’s fun house, complete with mirrors, wax dummies of Al Capone and confetti.
Not really, but I like confetti.
Bond looks fucked because he loses his Walther but just as things are looking grim, Bond (dressed as the wax dummy of himself that Scaramanga has in his fun house “just because”) comes to life and blows Scaramanga away.
Bond gets the solar thingy thus solving the energy crisis and sails off in a Chinese junk for some Chinese junk fucking right as the island is exploding because Goodnight threw a lecherous technician into a vat of liquid helium.
You go girl.
Right as penetration looks imminent, Nick Nack, with a knife in his teeth, drops from the ceiling of the bedroom and attacks Bond and Goodnight. He kicks Bond in the shins, hides under a table and then begins hurling bottles of wine at the two of them.
So Bond does the only reasonable thing there is to do: he locks the Midget in a suitcase and then confines him to the crow’s nest.
Game over you stubby little fuck.
At the end of the movie, we hear a different theme that actually has the words “Good night, good night. Good night/Sleep well my dear/don’t worry/James Bond is here” (or something along those lines) to the original theme tune. It’s stupid as all hell, but Lulu’s gotta sing.
The Man With The Golden Genital Warts:
2 (Maud “Miss Cheeks of Ethiopia” Adams and Goodnight)

At this point in history, Britain was more frightened of Russia than they were of Dracula so they scrapped the Return of Scaramanga with Nick Nack as Renfield and went with “The Spy Who Loved Me” (“Me” referring to James Bond, not you).
This movie has been described as “You Only Live Twice” but underwater.
And a lot of stuff, if one watched YOLT and then this back to back, might seem similar, such as the Big Bad Guy with a crazy base (underwater instead of in a hallowed out volcano), the mystery vessel that swallows other vessels (space pod in YOLT and a huge fucking boat in Spy) plus both have an all out assault on the Big Bad Guy's bases).
However, there are a few things that this one has that YOLT didn’t.
Namely, a car (first in a while) that turns into a submarine, a female, Russian James Bond and one of the most badass Bond badasses ever: Jaws.
You see a bit of it here, but this mother trucker really shines in “Moonraker”.
He is a henchman of one Max Stromburg, the crazy bastard who steals a bunch of nukes in order to wipe humans on the face of the Earth. He then plans to either repopulate the Earth or bring a chosen few on Earth down into his underwater cities.
Like I said, a crazy bastard. Cranky too.
We see him kill three people in like three minutes; first, his secretary who he drops from his elevator of death (v 2.0) into a shark pool of death (v 3.0), then the two scientists who were working with him by blowing up their helicopter.
Actually, I suppose that’s four people in three minutes if you include the helicopter pilot.
God, what an asshole.
Anyway, Jaws is sent by him to find some microfilm (not to be confused with microfiche. NEVER to be confused with microfiche) and kill anyone that has it.
A moment, if you will.
I have used microfiche in the library when I was younger, but, outside of spy movies, does microfilm even exist?
If so, where can I get some?
I want some fucking microfilm for my birthday.
Okay?
Back to the thing, Bond starts this movie off with a bang by killing a bunch of Russians and then jumping off a huge goddamn cliff to his death…or so it seems. At the last moment, he pops his chute, which is emblazoned with a Union Jack. Way to go, secret agent, they’ll never know who killed their spies now.
We see M and his Russian counterpart, General Gogol assigning their best people to the case of the stolen nukes. In the U.K., Bond, in the U.S.S.R., Agent Triple X.
Yes folks, Vin Diesel is a copycat AND a hulking bull dick.
Eventually they end up in Cairo, both trying to buy the microfilm from some scummy Egyptian.
A moment later, the Egyptian is killed by Jaws.
And how does Jaws kill someone?
By biting their fucking throat open.
That is the very DEFINITION of hardcore.
Soon, it’s Bond and XXX vs. Jaws in the Pyramids.
They drop thirty tons of sandstone on him and escape, but only after he rips their bumper off with his bare hands.
They get on a boat where Bond tries to put things in her, but she sprays him with fucking knockout gas.
Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
Eventually they find out that Stromburg is the Big Bad Guy.
Something interesting about Stromburg and his forces…he appears in every way to be SPECTRE right down to the colors of the bad guys (yellow and black) but SPECTRE is all about ransom, not word destruction.
Anyway, after Bond visits the villain as a marine biologist, Stromburg confirms that they are, indeed, spies and sends fucking everything after them. There is a car, a motorcycle and a helicopter....above ground. After Bond uses his magic car to destroy them, he drives off a pier into the ocean…where his car becomes a submarine. He then launches a Polaris style missile at the chopper blowing it to hell and gone.
Everything seems ducky until a fucking mini sub loaded with bad guys shows up. Bond actually commits an act of underwater vehicular manslaughter. That is a new one.
At some point before the Big Battle, XXX finds out that one of the Russians Bond killed at the beginning was her lover, YYY. She vows that when the mission is over, she will kill him.
Soon after, there is a boat battle and then the U.S. fires nukes at Stromburg’s underwater sex garden…but wait, you can’t destroy it yet…XXX is in there and Bond has to save her!!
So he shows up, shoots that asshole Stromburg in the crotch five times then faces off against Jaws. Now, up to this point Jaws has been buried in sandstone, dropped off a cliff in a car and thrown out of a speeding train and he has recovered from all events unscratched. So what the fuck does Bond, WITHOUT A WEAPON, do to this massive manimal? He punches him in the teeth. The fucking dolt.
After realizing that his teeth are actually metal and not just shiny, he uses a ceiling mounted electromagnet to pick him up off the ground and then drop him into the shark pool of death…where Jaws bites a fucking shark to death.
HARDCORE!!!
He then rescues the Ruskie and they escape in an escape pod.
Now that the mission is over, Bond wants to risk fatherhood with this tasty Red babe, so he turns to get the champagne (there is ALWAYS champagne around when he needs it) and turns back to find XXX pointing a gun at him.
Just as we think something is about to happen, the writers realize there is nothing left in them and have her just change her mind, forgetting her lover, YYY, and embracing the enemy with her iron meat curtains. Mother Russia? Prepare to get plowed.
The Spy Who Loved Pussy:
2 (_______, some girl who I have forgotten and Agent XXX, better Red head than dead head)