Live and Let Diamonds

12.5.06
7:47 PM
And as if no time has passed….
Bam, the final (official) Connery Bond…Diamonds Are Forever.
The last time was saw Bond, he was weeping over his gunned down wife. The last time we saw Blofeld he was driving away from the murder scene…with the smoking machine gun in his hands.
Therefore it’s no surprise that we first see Bond hunting down Blofeld. When he finally gets him, he buries him in a ton of mud…or does he?
Blofeld appears from the other side of the room and taunts Bond for about thirty seconds before Bond turns the tables, exhibits his ninja skills from “You Only Live Twice” with some scalpel throwing and then plunges Blofeld, headfirst, into a vat of boiling stuff.
Did I mention that Blofeld is now played by Charles Gray. The Narrator from the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well he is.
Deal with it.
This is a cheese-fest from start to finish, but everyone is having fun, including the gay hitmen, Mr. Wint (played to the nines by Crispin Hellion Glover’s creepy fuck of a father, Bruce Glover) and Mr. Kidd.
These crazy, gay fucks use any means necessary to kill whoever they’re told to: scorpions, cake bombs, flaming skewers of meat…you name it.
Bond only has sex with a record ONE woman, (who, when she appears from her room wearing a very short, totally see-through scarf kind of thing and pretty much nothing else, he comments to “Well, that a lovely little nothing you’re almost wearing.” That line goes up there with “She is very sexyful.”) but she is so whorish that I’m going to count her as at least three.
In fact, he would have boned a casaba-breasted girl named Plenty O’Toole (“Named after your father, I assume?”) if it hadn’t have been for that scummy redhead. So, I’ll say three.
There is a genuinely frightening moment when Bond is knocked out and put into a coffin which is then put into a crematorium (the gay hitmen strike again). He is surrounded by the flames and is in serious shit until he is (obviously) saved, but it is one of the rare times we see him in mortal danger without a gadget or his wits to save him.
And it’s a scary fucking way to go.
Trust me.
It is also confirmed later that Bond is, indeed, a card carrying member of the Playboy Club.
Bond runs amok in a moon buggy through the Nevada desert and swings into Vegas (which looks awesome in the 70’s).
Q cheats at the slot machines and Blofeld dresses up like a woman.
Eventually we find out that Blofeld (who is by far the most polite villain so far) is basically using a Star Wars-esque device to blow up cites in the world unless he gets money.
In the end, we see Blofeld in his escape sub being swung around by Bond but we never see the end of Blofeld…will we ever?
Yes.
But not yet.
It’s a very fun movie made even more so by the gay hitmen, the time warping Blofeld and again by the creepy-as-all-get-out-I-cannot-describe-in-words-how-fucking-creepy-he-is Bruce Glover playing his role to the hilt.
Herpes Are Forever:
1 (Tiffany Case, the reason why this was the last Connery Bond. He contracted mega-clap from her and his brain melted)

At this point, the Bond people thought that Connery and SPECTRE were both getting a little old, so they recast Bond with one Roger Moore and pitted him against something even more terrifying that an international terrorist agency bent on taking over the world…namely black people, heroin, crocodiles, amputees, voodoo and the God of Death Himself, Baron Samadhi.
This is “Live and Let Die”.
The bottom line is Paul McCartney approves of this new Bond and so must the rest of the world. He showed his approval by creating the theme song.
In order to show that this new Bond is tough on racism, the makers of this work made sure to have plenty of images of black women on fire in the opening title scene.
And while some people might see this as a bit offensive, I saw it for what it truly was: a subtle warning for any and all black people to stay the fuck out of Britain.
The first time we see the new Bond, he is lying in post-coital bliss with some smoking hot piece of Italian twizzini. We see him in his own home for the first time.
He has a cappuccino maker.
We also see him rock a new superwatch which doubles as a powerful electromagnet and a buzzsaw. Yes. A buzzsaw.
A few high up Brits have been killed, one stabbed by a midget, one voodooed to death and the third had his mind blown at the United Nations. I still don’t get that one, but whatever, I also don’t get how Bond doesn’t have AIDS either.
On his way to the UN some fat, black guy kills his driver and sends him careening down FRD drive at rush hour. We later find out that this tubby bitch is Whisper, a pointless henchman of the New York based drug lord, Mr. Big. Not too be confused with the boss in Kung Fu, N.A.R.C. or the 80’s band that sang “Wild World”.
At one point, Bond follows the Whispery bitch up into Harlem…in the 1970’s.
Long story short, the music is FOUNKHAY!
Bond is referred to as a honky, a jive cat, a cue ball and “Jim” (not as in the abbreviated form of James but the Negro slang for “some white guy trying to follow a brother into Harlem in a taxi cab”).
He then gets rescued by a CIA agent who has a car with a lighter that is a radio. When Bond hears Felix on the radio, he turns and says, “A genuine Felix lighter.”
It is then that he becomes James Bond.
Eventually, we see him bop down to San Monique because the UN ambassador from there (Dr. Kananga) is somehow wrapped up in this.
While checking his hotel room for bugs as he always does, he pulls out what can only be described as a Morse code brush, but he either doesn’t get it or it doesn’t work because after a moment or two of fruitless clicking he puts it down and walks away.
To this day I have no idea what the fuck that thing is.
If someone can help me, please do.
Anyway, back to San Monique.
Here we meet Quarrel Jr., the son of the boat guy from “Dr.No” who gets killed by a dragon and Rosie, the inept CIA agent who ends up double crossing Bond. After some hot chocolate (always after), Bond puts a gun in her face and demands the truth. She runs off and is killed by voodoo gun statues.
Good riddance.
She was an idiot and even Bond makes reference to the fact that she was only good for one thing…an interracial facial.
Of course, Bond can’t be without twang for long, so it’s good that soon after he loses Rosie the Dick Warmer he meets Solitaire, the Big Bad Guy's tarot card dealing, future reading babe.
Bond rigs her deck of tarot cards in order to infiltrate her hymen (see she is only gifted with prognostication if she is a virgin). Once her hymen is infiltrated, all she wants is for Bond to predicked her orgasm over and over.
Ah, the virgin whore.
Then again, what do you expect? Bond is puffing on a comically large cigar for most of this movie and we all know that cigars mean you have sex with fortune tellers.
Bond ends up in New Orleans, where there are more black people.
Black people and crocodiles.
And a boat chase.
And Sheriff J. W. Pepper of the Louisiana State Police.
This man is how the British see white Americans.
The drug dealing pimps are how they view black Americans and this guy is how they view white Americans.
See, the British? They’re better than all of us.
Yeah.
Fucking crumpet pumpers.
Anyway, this guy is all scrunched up face and chewing tobacco and calling black people “boy”.
He is also fucking ridiculously hilarious.
He is the white equivalent of a minstrel show. There you are. In a nutshell.
Around this time, Bond leads the bad guys on a chase around an airfield with some old white chick in the co-pilot chair. Strange but funny.
Then it’s back to business.
Bond is sent in at night (although apparently back then when you wanted to film at night you actually filmed during the day with a blue filter over your lens. I remember back in “Dr. No” that the moon was SO bright that people were squinting…well that’s because it was the sun. And here we are about a decade later and it hasn’t improved at all) to clean house and rescue the girl…as usual.
Although for this raid, then equip him with a weird looking gun that shoots compressed air pellets and a .357 magnum.
Anyway, we see his lady friend about to be sacrificed to the God of Death when Bond fucking unloads and blows his fucking head off…literally. It turns out that the God of Death was just a statue…or was it?
From the shattered remains of this fake God of Death comes the REAL God of Death, who Bond quickly throws into a coffin filled with poisonous snakes.
It’s how he would have wanted it.
Then Bond and the deflowered tarot reader descend into the Big Bad Guy’s totally nondescript base where the villain (who is Dr. Kananga dressed as Mr. Big) ties Bond and Solitaire to a crane that lowers them into shark water. Oh, the bad guy has also cut Bond’s arm so as to attract the sharks.
Cunning.
Long story short, Bond escapes using the buzzsaw watch and opens a compressed air capsule inside the bad guy, popping him like a creepy, bowrn flesh balloon.
And after that, everything is okay, right?
WRONG! FUCKING WRONG!
Because Tee Hee, the one armed, one steel clawed motherfucker who failed at feeding Bond to the crocs is on the train with him somehow!!
Bond flips him out the window, wrenching off the steel arm (I wince every time).
He then continues to fuck Solitaire as we see, sitting on the front of the train, Baron Samadhi, the God of Death.
He is laughing.
At Bond.
But that doesn’t stop the credits.
Live and Let Die from AIDS:
3 (Tight little Italian job, Roise the Fucking Dunce and Solitaire, who deals the anal card…every time)