An Octopussy To A Kill

12.14.06
3:33 PM
Yes.
The movie is called “Octopussy”.
Let’s move on.
This is the first time we see another 00 agent in action (009 to be precise) which would be cool except for the fact that he is dressed like a clown and dies soon after from a knife in his back.
Bummer.
Bond starts this one off by pretending to be a Spanish General then blowing up some bad guys.
So far, so good.
After this, we are introduced to a bunch of Russians, one of which is crazy. That’s General Orloff. Whoever played this guy did a pretty good job.
They try to introduce some political stuff into this movie but don’t do a very good job and end up relying on a “there’s a bomb” plot instead.
But before the bomb, there is the egg. 009 stumbled into a party carrying a Faberge egg.
There is a silly little bit about switching the real egg for the fake at an auction where we see the most effete Bond villain ever—Kamal Khan (although he is also very polite and a great host…he throws a dinner party for Bond complete with stuffed sheep’s head…hm.).
Bond follows the hot, eggy action to India and runs into Kamal again at a game of high stakes backgammon where he uses Kamal’s loaded dice against him.
Biotch!! You been DICED!!!
We also meet Kamal’s right hand man, who was the model for the character Great Tiger from Nintendo’s Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, minus the flying around in circles thing.
And, for some reason, whenever he is mentioned or referred to or shown on screen, the director chose to ZOOMINQUICKLY to Great Tiger’s face. The effect is pure hilarity.
After burning Kamal for millions of rupees (totaling $40 US) he sets Great Tiger after him on a magical chase through the crowded streets of India.
Incidentally, they did a great job shooing away the starving homeless and filling the streets with extras, fire breathers, sword swallowers (Bond removes the sword in order to engage a baddie), nail bed people (Bond tosses a guy onto it) and hot coal walkers. You can taste the realism. It tastes like curry and kerosene.
After the chase, Bond puts some moves on this hot chick who turns out to be a Kamal supporter and, after the scrumping, Bond notices a tattoo of a blue and yellow octopus on her lower back. When he asks her what it is she says, “Oh, that’s my little octopussy.”
Bond refrains from commenting, as shall I.
She escapes with the real egg into which Bond has cleverly installed a microphone.
Bond is then held captive sort of and sneaks around Kamal’s Purple Palace where he discovers a cooler full of bodies, which he hides in.
He is then aided in his escape by some helpful body chuckers who zip him up into a big canvas body bag. Right as he is about to be thrown off a body dumping cliff, he plays the zombie card and scares away the guards.
He is then chased by Kamal on an elephant.
In the next two minutes, Bond runs into a spider, a tiger (which he orders to sit and which obeys), a bunch of leeches, a snake (which he orders to “hiss off” and which does) and an alligator.
India is, by far, the most dangerous place Bond has ever been.
Just when you think he is nipped by the opposition, he swings from vine to vine (accompanied, naturally, by the Tarzan “I’m swinging from vine to vine” sound effect) and swims to a tour boat.
Style points xmax.
Soon after all this kerfluffle, Bond discovers that Kamal is working with a mysterious woman smuggler named Octopussy who runs an island restricted to all but women.
Attractive women.
Scantily clad, attractive women.
Scantily clad, attractive women with large bosoms.
Bond’s reaction to this information is brilliant:
“An island full of only women? Why that’s sexual discrimination.”
Bam. Fuck him ladies, he looks just like my grandpa…who is dead.
When he gets there he finds out that Octopussy (which by the way is her father’s pet name for her…that’s healthy) is in debt to him for killing her father. This was good for her for some reason.
Then Kamal comes in and Bond is all like “I’m going to have sex with Octopussy” and he’s like “I heart the ky-yock” and Bond is like, “Well, duh.”
Then Kamal, who is heartbroken over the fact that Bond is strictly AC, goes to a creepy fucking one-eyed Hindi fucker who chuckles a lot and gets some crazy saw blade yo-yo psycho to go after Bond.
Bond kisses an angry Octopussy and then has sex with his Octopenis.
Honestly, if anyone but Bond kissed that many angry, crying women, he’d be arrested as a rapist. I guess it’s the accent.
Anyway, post-coitus, Yo-Yo Death takes out Bond’s side kick who was fun and a tennis pro. Bond gets stony faced and says let’s fuck up these dragon farts.
The Yo-Yo Death people invade the Isle of Vage and one of the baddies gets killed by a poison octopus.
A Rock Octopus.
Most of the rest get fucked up by Bond who slides down a marble banister with an AK-47 shooting off the newel post before it turns him into a double O eunuch.
After this impressive shoot out, it’s off to the circus.
The Big Bad Guy is planning to not only double cross Octopussy but also detonate a nuclear device on German soil that will cause some crazy Russian reaction that benefits the aforementioned General Orloff.
Bond has an awesome train-top fight with a knife thrower and Great Tiger after hiding in a gorilla costume. Bond gets tossed off the train with the knife thrower and is then chased through the woods by the same knife thrower that killed 009.
Is 007 doomed to the same fate or do we smell vengeance?
No. Bond gets killed by the knife thrower and the movie ends.
Or does he/it?
Of course Bond kills the knife thrower (with his own knife even) and avenges 009.
Then Bond hitchhikes to the circus with some jolly Germans. He then sneaks in and becomes a Killer Klown from the British Secret Service who, in just the nick of time, diffuses the bomb.
What’s left but to take out the Big Bad Guy at his hideout?
Nothing.
So, Octopussy and her Circus of Twizzies (with the help of Bond and Q—who arrives in a huge Union Jack hot air balloon) use their circus ninja skills to break into and takeover Kamal’s castle.
An interesting note: the invasion starts at night (and this is one of the first night shoots that takes place AT NIGHT in the Bond franchise) and ends about twenty minutes later…in broad daylight.
Uh…continuity…hellooo?
The castle and all the baddies inside are dispatched but the Big Bad Guy and Great Tiger escape with Octopussy (although it would have been much easier to just kill her because a.) it would have lightened their load and b.) it would have upset Bond and made him emotional and sloppy but NOOOO) in an airplane that Bond jumps onto.
Then Great Tiger and Bond have a flight on top of the plane which Great Tiger loses.
Bond then disables the plane, rescues the girl and Kamal goes down (snicker) in flames.
Bond gets pretty banged up in the landing and later we see him on a galley in traction with his arm and leg in a cast, but with one suggestive remark, he snaps his proverbial chains and proceeds to tickle Octopussy’s tentacles once again.
Not even broken bones can stop his sex.
Quintuplepussy:
2 (the egg stealing tattoo lady and Maud “Octopussy” Adams*

*It’s about time I brought this up…
In several Bond movies (six, to be exact) the same actor has been brought back to play a different character. Now, at age 25, it is obvious that they are the same actor playing different parts, but when I was a child, I was a bit boggled, especially in one case.
The first occurrence is between “You Only Live Twice” and “Diamonds Are Forever” where Charles Gray (the narrator from “Rocky Horror Picture Show”) plays an ally of Bond (named, coincidentally enough as you read the summary of “The Living Daylights”, Whitaker) who gets knifed in the back and dies (YOLT) and Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Bond’s nemesis (Diamonds).
Next we see Maud Adams (AKA Cheekbone McSkeleton) as Scaramanga’s ill fated cock sock in “The Man With The Golden Gun” and then as Miss Independent Woman herself, Octopussy in…”Octopussy”.
It happens one more time in “The Living Daylights” and “GoldenEye” with actor Joe Don Baker. He is a fun character both times, in one a bad guy, in one a good guy, but I’ll mention that later.

Say good-bye to Roger Moore and Lois Maxwell.
Say hello to Nazi doctors and the eternally terrifying Grace Jones.
This is “A View To A Kill”.
This is also one of, if not THE best Bond theme and title sequence (which is offset by THE worst title drop), complete with women wearing nothing but ski parkas and Day-Glo paint.
We first see Bond as a snow bunny, swaddled in more clothes than the baby Jesus. But the baby Jesus never had to outrun Russian ski troops.
Bond recovers a microchip from the corpse of 003 and then is chased by these Russians fucks in front of a blue screen.
Bond first loses a ski and manages on one for a while, but after he decides that isn’t impressive enough, uses the rigging from a snowmobile as a snowboard…set to the Beach Boys’ “California Girls”.
It is one of the best moments in a Bond movie.
He then carries out a Jesus-esque “snowboard across water” feat before firing a smoke bomb into the opposition’s helicopter, causing it to crash into a mountainside.
Having accomplished his mission, it is now time for sex. Five days worth of sex with his slutty blonde contact he meets up with at the water’s edge.
Give it to her once for me, James.
Then Duran Duran lead us into the future with synthesizers and keyboard riffs.
And, folks, the future, despite what Prince says, rocks.
Now, at this point (and probably at several points throughout) I am going to mention the fact that Moore is 57 years old in this movie.
In the new M’s office (we last saw the old M in Moonraker. He left the series in protest of Shirley Bassey’s shitty theme song) we find out that the microchip Bond recovered is special because it is impervious to electromagnetic pulses, rendering a nuclear explosion harmless (aside from the huge wave of destruction). Here is an interesting thing: the plot of “GoldenEye” centers around a nuclear device installed in a satellite that, when detonated over the Earth, will cause all electrical equipment to shut down because of the EMP. The villain plans to do this over London, thus destroying the global economy.
The issue I bring up is this: if they have these microchips in hand in 1985, why not use them so in 1995, this villain’s plan will be less destructive?
Think about it.
Anyway, the guy making the microchips is none other that crazy American industrialist…Max Zorin.
Zorin is played by a man that needs no introduction.
Bond goes to Paris to meet up with a private detective who is privately investigating Zorin. They meet at a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower where, after contributing absofuckinglutely NOTHING to the movie, the PI (who must have had a terrible accent because all his lines were dubbed over badly) is killed by a butterfly ninja who turns out to be Zorin’s right hand psycho, May Day (played far too convincingly by manly man Grace “Who and Why Did People Find Her Attractive?” Jones). After he chases her upward for a bit, she jumps off and a parachute (black and yellow…the colors of SPECTRE) bursts open, foiling Bond.
Or does it?
He somehow manages to climb down the tower and steal a cab from a French taxi driver who is sitting behind the wheel and drinking a glass of wine.
Tres realistic.
He chases the parachute through Paris, tearing off the roof and back half of the cab in the process (it truly is a great chase scene).
She lands on a wedding boat (where a French jazz band is playing a French jazz rendition of the theme song) and, just as Bond arrives, crashing through the roof and spoiling these poor French people’s wedding, escapes in a speedboat driven by Zorin.
Here’s a question: usually the Big Bad Guy has layers and layers of lackeys to do his job, why the fuck would he straight up expose himself within the first half hour of the movie?
Because he is a psycho, that’s why.
I mean it, he is an experimental superhuman created by a Nazi doctor after WW2.
By the by, Walken had to do very little research for this part.
After all this shit, Bond is sent to investigate Zorin and his affairs and he gets an invitation to Zorin’s horse show as James St. John Smith (last word pronounced in the obnoxious British fashion as to rhyme with the farming implement that Death wields) accompanied by Sir Godfrey Tibbit, who is going undercover with Bond as his valet.
The interaction between Bond and Tibbit are great and you really come to enjoy his character.
Bond meets some ditzy chick at the house party who is doing something mysterious with Zorin (and, trying to start a conversation with her, says in the cutest way imaginable, “I’m English!”) and the aforementioned crazy Nazi doctor. He snaps a few pictures of the key players with his trusty camera ring (awesome gadget) and then teases Zorin with the old “I know your minion killed that badly dubbed Frenchman with a ninja butterfly thing at the Eiffel Tower” tactic. Zorin is abashed and around that time decides to have him watched if not killed.
After this flagrant display of blowing-his-cover-ness, May Day tells Zorin that “that man looks so familiar”.
Hang on.
He shot at you. He chased you around Paris in half a car. He caused you to jump off the goddamn Eiffel Tower! How many times in a week does this happen for you to not recognize him?!
In the evening, Tibbit and Bond go sleuthing and find a secret lab (crazy fucking Nazis and their crazy fucking secret labs) where they find out that Zorin has been using the EMP-proof chips to cheat at horse racing.
Ooooh, look at the Big Bad Guy, cheating at horse racing!! Watch out Blofeld, Zorin’s going to corner the world horse racing industry!!
Just kidding.
Bond and Tibbit have a rousing bout with some Zorin thugs and set the whole place on watch for them.
Zorin is practicing judo with May Day (who is sporting a nightmarishly revealing spandex leotard) and is about to have nightmarish judo sex with her until he is interrupted by the phone call that Bond is running around loose, a fact which causes Zorin to utter one of the funniest lines in the movie: “We must find him”. He says it as Christopher Walken would say it before he became the Christopher Walken that simply sells tickets by being in something. This is the Christopher Walken who still had to work for it.
And he does a great job.
Anyway, Bond evades capture by sacrificing his body…to Grace Jones.
As a result, he is made pregnant with her seed.
This is why “View” is the last Moore Bond, because Grace Jones made him pregnant and because Christopher Walken ate his soul.
The next day, Zorin is done fucking around. He invites “Mr. St. John Smith” to his office, takes his picture and identifies him as Bond.
He then challenges Bond to a horse race, during which Zorin’s horseback thugs try to kill him and fail, not knowing that Bond is (along with being a secret agent, an astronaut, a ninja and a stunt driver) an equestrian.
Mores the pity for them.
Luckily, Zorin cheats and soon Bond is subdued with poor, dead Tibbit who was aced by May Day.
Next stop, Mr. Bond…the bottom of the fucking lake.
But mere water cannot kill Bond, something that Zorin will soon learn.
And now, it’s about time to reveal to the audience what the fuck this crazy bastard is up to.
Hint: it has NOTHING to do with horses, in fact, General Gogol (who Zorin used to work for as a KGB agent) chewed out Zorin for all this…heh heh heh…horseplay and things looked grim, until May Day lifted one of the General’s men over her head…because she is a monster.
Soon after this, the people in charge of this flick decide that we, the audience, have been in the dark for long enough as far as the plot is concerned.
They decide to solve the problem by having a Big Bad Guy meeting.
We see Zorin explaining pretty much everything (with the help of an excellent little model that he calls forth from the floor with sheer force of will.
However…there is always some poor fuck who does not want to be a part of the Big Bad Guy’s plan.
Well, Max Zorin knows how to handle them.
Here’s a hint: he drops them out of a blimp.
And it is from this blimp that the worst Bond movie title drop is uttered by Grace Jones and Christopher Walken.
When the Golden Gate Bridge floats into view, May Day says: “Wow…what a view…”, then Walken says, in the only way it’s possible to say something this stupid, “…to a kill!”
Ladies and gentlemen, yet another reason this is the last Moore Bond.
Suddenly, Bond’s in San Francisco and is talking in code to a fish monger.
Then Bond is introduced to a pirate captain who is complaining about crabs.
I shit ye not.
So Bond investigates…AND ALMOST GETS SUCKED INTO AN UNDERWATER DEATH VALVE!!!
But he doesn’t; some poor Russian spy does, but that’s what you get for snooping around Zorin’s shit, man. Just leave the guy alone! He only wants to be left alone! God!
Bond sees another Russian spy escaping and chases him down. The him turns out to be a her that Bond boinked once in the past and they escape to a Chinese bath house in San Fran.
They engage in jacuzzi coitus.
Then, while Bond is washing the cundy off his gadgets, the Russian spy runs off with a tape recording of Zorin talking about his plan “Project: Main Strike” (which, I think, was an opening band for Duran Duran in ’82…) but who could ever believe the Russians are more intelligent than the British…Bond switched the tapes.
Now, Bond knows that something bad is going to happen in the next few days.
So, naturally, Bond goes to City Hall (as reporter James Stock for the London Financial Times) and just asks. While he’s there, he sees that hot, stupid ditz from Zorin’s horse party and follows her home.
He then uses a Sharper Image device which appears to have the sole purpose of breaking into people’s homes through their windows and sneaks into her place.
Her pet cat (named "Pussy") flashes down the stairs past Bond making a noise, for some strange reason, like an exploding dinosaur.
Bond introduces himself to her (as James Stock…oh the delicious pun…) at gunpoint (hers, not his) and before she can shoot him: HOME INVASION!!!!
Bond fights off the goons with a shotgun loaded with rock salt.
It is during this fight that I took note of how daintily Roger Moore kicks people.
Hard to explain: just watch this fight scene to understand better.
After the fight, Bond cooks a majestic meal for Idiot Stacey.
He can now add Master Chef to his resume (secret agent, ninja, astronaut, stunt driver and equestrian).
A bottle and a half of wine later, Bond gently puts Stacey to bed, not touching her. The tenderness of that scene is lost a moment later though, when Bond is seen crying and masturbating furiously on her pet cat…Pussy.
In the morning, Stacey and James go to City Hall to report Zorin’s badness. Stacey gets fired and Bond gets an erection.
They talk to Bond’s CIA connection and then he and she decide to break into City Hall that night and see if they can find any more info.
For some reason, they find info on Project: Main Strike in a file cabinet in City Hall.
Question: why the fuck are there plans for Zorin’s evil plot filed in City Hall?
I’m too baffled to even invent a funny answer.
As Bond and Stacey are about to achieve some goal, Zorin and May Day (and Zorin’s evil head of security) show up and things gets sticky…with bloodshed!!!
Zorin leads Bond and Stacey into Stacey’s boss’s office and then tells him to call the cops because these two people broke into City Hall to kill him.
Then her boss cocks his head and says, in the worst acting in the series perhaps, “But…that would mean…I would have to be….” And then Zorin says, “Dead!” and shoots him.
Brilliant.
Clap clap clap.
Then the shit gets wicked as Zorin traps Bond and Stacey in an elevator while tossing Molotov cocktails all over the place.
I have never seen Walken more content in a role than he is here, throwing fire bombs all around a government building.
They leave with Bond and Stacey safely dying in the elevator.
But Bond. Does. Not. Die.
He and Stacey escape only to be accused of murder by the idiot San Fran Police which spurs a massive chase scene through the city with Bond driving a stolen fire engine and then giving the wheel to Stacey while Bond (for no fucking reason at all) climbs from the front to the back of the fire engine.
Eventually, Bond and Stacey outrun half a dozen police cars in a fire truck…somehow.
Hours later, they pull up to Zorin’s abandoned mine shaft base and they discover his stupid plan…to cause a “double earthquake”…something SO rare that Zorin had to invent a name for it…that will destroy all of silicon valley, leaving him in charge of all the world’s microchip production.
The sad thing is, I don’t think this is the stupidest plot in Bond history.
Long story short, Zorin kills everybody in the mine with either a machine gun (laughing all the while he is gunning them down, earning him another Psychopath Biscuit), an explosion, a flood or his bleached blond hair.
The only survivors are Bond, May Day, Stacey and Zorin’s people (the head of security and his Nazi doctor).
May Day sees that Zorin has killed a friend of hers and changes sides.
Her and Bond lift a huge bomb from out the San Andreas Fault and May Day sacrifices herself in order to foil Zorin’s crazy plan.
In retaliation for this thwarting, Zorin swoops down in his house/blimp and grabs Stacey.
Bond just barely grabs onto a conveniently placed rope hanging from the blimp and proceeds to make escape difficult for Zorin and his crew by tying the aforementioned conveniently placed rope around a part of the Golden Gate Bridge, hindering its movement.
Making the smartest decision there is, Zorin decides to step out onto the bridge and fight Bond with a fire ax.
After a battle that redefines the “Ax Fights On Top Of The Golden Gate Bridge” genre, Zorin tumbles from the bridge, screaming as only a thwarted Christopher Walken can: loudly.
But we’re not safe yet!!!!!!!!!
That blimp still holds a Nazi doctor and a newly unemployed head of security, neither of which are very fond…of Bond.
So, making the second smartest decision there is, the crazy old Nazi opens a safe and removes a bundle of dynamite…something you should never not have on a blimp and lights it.
He then proceeds to drop it when Bond chops the guy wire, setting the blimp free and next thing you know, Bond is short two nemeses.
It’s fuck time.
“A View To The Clap”
4* (Slutty blonde contact in sub, May Day—shudder, Natasha Banikov and Stacey the Erotic Geologist)

*Since this is Moore’s last hurrah they decided to REALLY milk him. Remember that one of these women got the Bond treatment for five days straight in a submarine.
I knew there was a reason Moore looked so wrinkled.