For Your Moonraker Only

12.7.06
4:47 PM
James Bond brings sound into the vacuum of space in…“Moonraker”.
Now, in most Bond movies there is a small amount of disbelief you must suspend. “Moonraker” tests just how far you are able to stretch said suspension properties.
Another title for this movie could have been “James Bond In Space”.
And speaking of the title, what the fuck is a moonraker?
For that matter, have we figured out what the fuck a thunderball is?
Goddamn it…
This one starts out with an awesome sky chase. I don’t mean helicopters or airplanes, I mean Bond getting thrown out of a plane without a parachute and being chased by the one, the only, the Captain of the Fuck You Up Brigade…Jaws.
During his time in the air, Bond “tackles” the pilot and steals his parachute but just as you think the fun is over, Jaws catches up with him.
Jaws is about to take off Bond’s ankle but they he pops his chute and Jaws plummets tens of thousands of feet to his death.
Or not.
See, in “Spy” you got a sense that Jaws was hardcore. But in “Moonraker”, you see he is actually a demigod.
The theme for this movie is probably the worst in my opinion.
Shirley Bassey has lost it, never to find it again.
Soon after the start of the film, we meet Hugo Drax who is to space what Max Stromburg was to water.
Literally.
There is no difference and the fact that they made these movies right one after the other just make the similarities stand out.
However, Drax is SO much better than Stromburg as far as personality.
Drax is so aware that he is a Bond villain that it shows through in every “death trap” he sets for Bond.
He tries to kill Bond by trapping him in a malfunctioning centrifuge, siccing an Aikido warrior on him, putting him under the rockets of a space shuttle about to launch and dropping him in a pool with a boa constrictor (which is, by the way, the only animal that maintains its original Latin name) after which he actually speaks the line “”You defy all my attempts at planning an amusing death for you.”
Excellent villain (even if he is rather long in the tooth when it comes to speeches).
When Bond first steps into the office, he tells Moneypenny (the lustful secretary who has been in every Bond movie since “From Russia With Love”), when she asks where he’s been, that someone pushed him out of an airplane.
I laughed my ass off because usually he has something clever to say but not this time.
“Someone pushed me out of an airplane.”
Brilliant!
He is then equipped with a wristwatch that fires cyanide tipped or explosive darts when one flips their wrist up and it is this device that saves Bond’s life in the haywire centrifuge. This is one of the only times a piece of Q equipment has directly saved Bond’s life.
Thanks, Q.
The watch also has a quantity of C4 and a detonator in it which Bond uses later.
A very not-fucking-around watch.
Bond then meets the fourth strong woman character in the series, a scientist and an astronaut.
Her name is Holly Goodhead.
Yea.
Strong woman, stupid name.
Bond spends some time at Drax’s huge fucking manor and sneaks into an office (after some sport fucking with a helicopter pilot who gets killed later for letting Bond into the office) where he takes pictures with his little spy camera.
The camera would be cool except for the “007” emblazoned it.
Way to be secret, Agent We-Found-Your-Camera.
At this point, I would like to take a moment to say that Sean Connery is SO much better dressed than Roger Moore it is funny.
It’s not, it’s actually rather pathetic.
Bond leads some goons on a boat chase through the canals of Venice with a Q-ed up gondola. Bond gets cornered and then flips the switch that turns the boat into a car and rolls through Venice, British Pimp style.
Big ups!!
Soon after that, he finds the secret lab where two scientists are moving these strange pods about.
Bond finds a vial of concentrated death and accidentally kills the scientists. He has no problem with this.
Nor does he have a problem with hurling the aforementioned Aikido warrior through a stained glass window and into a piano.
Then it’s sex with Goodhead and off to Rio for a romp with a totally random girl before a tram chase in which Bond and Goodhead narrowly escape while the whole fucking building collapses on Jaws who falls in love with a tiny blonde woman after dusting himself off.
Let’s go to the jungle.
Bond traces the concentrated death to a flower found in the Amazon and takes YET ANOTHER Q-ed up boat there. Somehow, Jaws finds his way into a boat behind Bond and starts firing a mortar cannon. Bond escapes by turning his boat into a hang glider this time and Jaws falls to his death yet again…or fucking does he?
No.
He picks up Bond by his face from the snake pool and marches him into the Big Bad Guy’s jungle launch pad.
Yes, jungle launch pad.
Next thing you know, everyone, including Bond is in space.
Add the Astronaut merit badge to Bond’s vest.
What’s next you ask?
Why a laser space battle between the U.S. Army’s 35th Spaceborne Division and Drax’s perfect humans.
Bond blows Drax out into space with a cyanide dart in his gut, which seems like overkill.
Jaws changes sides for his girlfriend and helps Bond and Dr. Excellentblowjob escape so they can shoot down the Death Pods flying towards our planet.
Bond and Goodhead succeed in blowing up the Evil while Jaws and his girlfriend crash into Earth in Drax’s space station…and survive completely unscathed.
See? Demigod.
Or maybe he’s just immune to falling from heights.
Anyway, at the end, the brass is trying to find Bond and suddenly the video feed pops up with Bond and Goodhead involved in some zero g fucking.
Rock on.
When M asks the general assembly what he’s doing, Q answers in earnest, “I think he’s attempting reentry.”
Rimshot!!
“Liceraker”:
3 (helicopter pilot who is later fed to dogs because of Bond, random cum dumpster Bond meets in Rio who serves very little purpose in this movie aside from receiving Herpes, Bond Herpes, and the good doctor Goodhead)

Hot, Greek archers abound in “For Your Eyes Only”.
This is it people. The end of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
We open on Bond in a cemetery, placing flowers on the grave of his late wife, Tracy.
He receives an urgent message that a helicopter has been sent to pick him up.
And everything is fine until we see a man in a wheelchair (apparently Bond crippled Blofeld in that mini sub swinging event back at the end of “Diamonds”) hit a button and electrocute the helicopter pilot!
Blofeld is controlling the helicopter via a remote and watches as Bond climbs out of the back, crawls around to the front and drops the dead pilot out of the chopper taunting “Mr. Bond, have you no respect for the dead?”
Ouch.
So Bond, right before Blofeld plants the chopper into the side of a building, wrests control back and spears Blofeld’s chair on the end of the landing gear and drops him down a chimney, ending (at least in the subsequent Bond movies) his life.
Fina-fucking-ly.
The question is, what do you do after you vanquish your archnemesis?
The answer: you make a sub-par Bond film.
I have to say that this movie didn’t really hold my attention.
There were good points (like the very first night scene shot at night in the franchise!!!), but overall, watching this Bond movie was the only time (thus far) I have felt that I was completing a task.
But here we go.
We meet a new M (since the old one died between “Moonraker” and “Eyes”) and he is sub-par as well. Doesn’t have the same disdainful respect for Bond that the original M did. We learn that some piece of equipment has been stolen from the wreckage of a ship and both the Russians and the British want it.
Somehow, Bond’s mission gets tied up with a revenge mission some hot Greek chick is on.
Someone killed her family and her and her arrows are going to find out why.
Her and Bond both arrive in Cuba, but she kills this dude with an arrow which leads to a VW Bug chase because some henchmen broke into Bond’s amazing 80’s car (which went well with the amazing 80’s music in this movie. Jesus God did it ever.) causing it to explode.
Please stand back, this car is protected by fucking flaming death.
The two follow the trail of some crazy assassin who looks like a squishy Tim Robbins (who Bond identifies by using a ridiculously outdated “Identograph” that Q devised. Imagine recreating a human face with a MAC from 1983) here and there and meet some asshole who happens to be the sponsor of a tasty piece of American Olympic ice skating jail bait who wants Bond to do figure eights on her clitoris the instant she lays eyes on him.
She later sneaks into his room and says, “I will do anything for you”.
At this point, she is like 17 and Bond is like 55 so he says the words “Get dressed” for the first time in the series and buys her a soda.
It appears that her sponsor is trying to help Bond but TWISTY TWIST TWIST!!!!! he is really the Big Bad Guy! FUCK!
So Bond teams up with the Big Bad Guy's Big Bad Guy, this sexy Greek man who is constantly eating pistachios.
I don’t like pistachios.
By the way, this Greek guy knows Bond so well…he lures him to a meeting by offering him a woman.
Bond is assaulted by motorcycle thugs, a German Olympic ski assassin (who happens to be great at the biathlon…which is ridiculous. Skiing and firing a rifle? What the fuck? The ancient Greeks DID NOT do that, naked and covered in grease or otherwise. Still better than curling I suppose.) and the New York Rangers, and he dispatches all of them.
He and the girl also survive a keelhauling with adequate aplomb.
Thanks to a helpful parrot, Bond, the Greek girl and Pistachio Man find out that all their missions are intertwined and decide they must storm a mountain base.
Rad.
We see Bond painstakingly climb a sheer face of rock until some thugs knocks out his pitons and he is forced to get Ninja on them dropping them to their gaijin dog deaths.
They storm the mountain base successfully and Bond obtains the A.L.T.A.K. right before the Russian General shows up to claim it and then destroys in right in front of him.
“Detent, General” Bond says with a smirk.
After this, we see that the sexy Greek man will be making gyros out of the ice skaters anus and the Greek girl wins second or third place for “Worse Use of the Title of A Bond Movie in the Movie” award by dropping her clothes to the floor and saying, “For your eyes only, James…”
Like we’re supposed to believe she’s a virgin.
Yeah right, and Greek men are all hairless and clean.
“Blood Test Results For Your Eyes Only”
2 (the bait Mr. Sexy Greek gives to James and Arrow Girl)