CaffffinnneeesugarsuagrsuagrsuagrsuagrSPEEEED!!!

7.6.06
6:08 PM

I have just tried a new flavor of Pringles, Fully Loaded Baked Potato. It’s like a scene out of Willy Wonka with the full meal chewing gum.
Life is good.
Also, BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX was the shit and we have the shirts to prove it. It was 100% except for Chris and Lauren having to leave early. I am fully planning on arranging a house for next year so if anyone is interested is having an awesome week in laid-back, family oriented Ocean City, NJ, let me know.
There were a lot of hot Russian women as well. In case anyone is into that.
Yeah.

8:41 PM
I THINK…I may have had a bitty toooo much sugar this evening. Beeecaaaaause……this irritable old woman who always calls and blathers on about this or that just called up telling me she spoke to EVERY ONE IN THE BUILDING but no one will take her to the bathroom. Rather than simply sending her to the nurse’s station and telling her (with that butter/syrup tone of voice only I possess) to feel free to shit herself and then fuck herself with that same aforementioned shit, I took it upon myself to initiate a James Bond-esque chain of events involving three-way phone calls, bedpans and forcing nurses to confront THE MOST cantankerous old twizzy I have encountered in my three years at this establishment.
This woman is madness.
She is a heap of broken images where the tree gives no shade.
She is fear in a handful of dust.
And I am fucking with her like windmills and Don Quixote.
Actually, that is NOT accurate. I am fucking with the whole system like the aforementioned Don Coyote and his trusty friend, Sancho Panda. I am fucking with the crotch, the nurses (not) taking care of the crotch, the woman supervising the nurses (not) taking care of the crotch and the administrator on duty (who is a tremulous little cunt hair) here at the Hospital where the crotch resides.
I am a massive cock.
A Mega Cock set to stun and amaze. To enter my presence is to become cold cocked.
I have never gone off half cocked, only full cocked.
You came to see a rock show.
A big, gigantic cock show.
FEAR ME.
BIIIIIG MUNAH! BIIIIIIIIIG MUNAHHHH!!
And now the lazy fools have left me alone in the security office in charge of EVERY GOD DAMN PHONE IN THE PLACE. I THINK I WILL CALL FRANCE! MAYBE SOME HOT, SEXY 900 NUMBERS!
PERHAPS I WILL ACHIEVE AN ERECTION AND PROPEL MY SEED ONTO THE SECURITY OFFICER’S CHAIR!! THEY WILL SIT IN MY SEED BEFORE THIS DAY IS FINISHED! MARK MY FUCKING WORDS!!! MARK THEM YOU SANS A BELT WHOOOORES!!! WHOOOOOOORES!!! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!
YOU.
CAME TO SEE A ROCK SHOW.
I WILL REFLECT THAT WHICH IS SHONE UPON ME.
RECOIL FROM THE REFLECTION OF THINE EVIL DEEDS.
RRRROCK SHOW!!!
YOU CAME TO SEE A ROCK SHOW!!!
A BIG, GIGANTIC COCK SHOW!!!!!!
I am filled with roiling chaos. The only thing separating it from the rest of the world is a thin veneer, an eggshell. My body is that eggshell.

And if that woman calls me one…more…time…the shell will crack.
(shatter)
And my madness will consume this whole world and everyone in it. She will be the first to die and from the jagged tones of her caterwauling it will be a mercy. The rest of Everything will NOT be counted as lucky. It will know pain and decay and time before I have fully devoured and digested it all.
Everything will fall before me.
And when Everything is gone, consumed by the unleashed essence of my fury and confusion…there will only remain Nothing.
And I will command that Nothing.
But my voice betrays none of this.
Despite the thick blackness pulsing and churning on the inside of me, my voice comes out like sun dappled fruit on a tree, waiting to be plucked by a beautiful young girl and her loving grandfather who still has years and years to live. Like a dollop of fresh honey applied lovingly to a priest’s morning tea as he sits and reflects on the true meaning and manifestation of God’s Love. Like a shimmer of sunlight of the face of a freshly minted coin that will be used to contact a loved one and tell them good news of upcoming nuptials.
It will be a complete surprise when my head splits open and I emerge.
I will swallow all the worlds that are or ever will be with the black fire of my heart.
You will not be spared.