Don't you all think the fact that I'm a 6'8 homo-superior isolates me from you unevolved homo-sapiens enough already? ASK ME MANY QUESTIONS! THE TOTEM PAUL DEMANDS THE SACRIFICE OF INQUISITION!!

Christina's Questions

1.What do you fear most in life?
Being hugged by fat sweaty people...and getting proximity erections.

2.If you had to choose between fucking Jon Linnel or Crispin Glover, who would you pick and why? (you’re the catcher for at least one round)
Well, since you told me I HAD to answer, Crispin Glover because Linnell is straight. He's married and has a kid, but Crispin, I get that "I've fucked men in the ass before" vibe from him, so I have a feeling that he'd be gentle. And perhaps, laying there in our post anal coitial fluids he and I might sing a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walking". Plus, his skin is just so smooth. For future reference, I do not find any male artists attractive sexually. I used to think, maybe Trent Reznor, but after learning about how much of a procrastinator he is, I'd be afraid of getting lethargy and distraction on my penis, my beautiful, beautiful, gleaming Robbie Williams penis.

3.Phil or Will: Who scares you more and why?
Philip, Will and I share a small part of our brains that most people aren't even aware of. Because of this fact, we all scare each other, love each other and fear each other in the exact same amount: quite a bit. All three of us can appear completely "balanced" at any point in time, but at any second, that little node in our collective consciousness could twinge and *boom*, catastrophe. It's hard to explain.

4.If you had to live one place besides New York City, where would it be and why?
I'd live on the coast of an ocean somewhere. On a cliff. See in New York, I am always surrounded by people and if the stress ever gets to me and I have to kill my self, I have yet another stressful decision to make: the method of mine own demise. By the time I decide to run up to the roof and throw myself off, I've become distracted by a Twinkie ("Tell him about the Twinkie...") but, if I lived on a seaside cliff; I could just sprint through my plate-glass doors and be done. Boom. Duckman.

5.If you were a drag queen, what would your drag queen name be, what would you wear, and what would be your act?
My name would be the Glorious S. or the Glorious Ess. S is sexy, sensual, secretive and sassy. Ess is essential, in all senses of the word. I would wear long, black, elegant evening gowns that cost no less than $10,000. I would sing sad, aching love songs and consider myself the reincarnation of every beautiful woman who lived from 1920 to 1930. I would not let anyone see me during my transformation. I would go in as Paul and emerge as the Glorious S. Men would want me because I have a decade worth of lust inside of me but I would not give them a second glance for I also have inside of me an entire decade worth of heart splinters from all the trauma and tragedy. I'd make men nut in their pants...more so than I do now.


Jade's Answers To Christina's Questions For Paul

1. Sock Monkeys
2. LINNELL!!! He freaks me out, but I'd totally do him, any day of the week
3. Phil. Because he's so damn swarthy
4. Sydney, because it really is the most incredible place ever made
5. I don't know. I'd wear some kind of skimpy maraboo number that exposed my adams apple and I'd do something that displayed my awesome flexibility and juggling skills


Will's Questions

1 - If, hypothetically, while wandering through the woods, you came up to a huge mound of dirt; and if, hypothetically, this huge mound was warm, especially near a gaping hole in it; and, hyphothetically, if this hyptothetical hole had fire shooting out of it, would it be proper to jump up and down on this mound? To throw tanks of gasoline at it? To record it?
Yes, yes and yes. Also, I would take time searching for discarded palm fronds that would make the fire bigger and more dangerous.

2 - Is there any sound in the world more terrifying than a coyote when you have French Silk pie smeared all over your face.
The sound of Sunir becoming aroused mere inches from my pie smeared face. And conversely, the most arousing sound is that of three men standing in a shower trying to eat a French Silk Pie and then giving up and smearing it all over each other. By the by, I need copies of those pics, I lose mine way back at the start of my freshman year.

3 - Do you think I'm rooting for Phil or myself on that felching question?
I know that if one enjoyed it, the other would demand it.

4 - You have dated a woman who has stayed in your hemisphere for multiple years. I am 3 months away from pulling the opposite hemisphere shit all over again. What do you say about THAT, motherfucker?
Maybe this felching thing just became more real? I'm not sure... Didn't we discuss showering AT LEAST every ten days? Oh and don't mention me til the wedding night, and then don't stop mentioning me.

5 - Everyone else seemed to do five questions. I will mess with them by inserting a comment. Ha ha!
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Look to the night sky and tremble!

6 - I am investigating your freak paranormal abilities. Who do you like in the Super Bowl, and by how much? Note: it is considered cheating if you ask anyone who is playing. Nuther Note: I'll give you 1/2 of what I earn in Vegas if this work.
I have seen in my tablets that the team from the most North shall triumph. I'd say by at lease 14 points. It is written, so it shall come to pass. I have spoken.

7 - You say there is plenty of work for me in NYC. What work? Does it involve felching? Does it involve beating up homeless men?
I am building a rocket. And as far as felching and brutalizing homeless men, that's what the weekends are for. What do you mean WHAT.

8 - What do you mean, what? I had to put that in there.
I honestly finished answering the 7th question before reading the 8th. And by "what" I mean which thing or which particular one of many.


9 - As you have gotten older, have your music tastes: evolved, ripened, festered, sweetened, or fled?
All of the above. Whereas I used to leave the radio on for days at a time, now I have my dozen or so bands I follow religiously/fanatically/obsessively and I cannot stand the radio, unless it's They Might Be Giants on NPR. I am on the look out for new stuff, but the novelty wears off as soon as I hear that one of the dozen might possibly have an album coming out in the next 3 years. To be accurate, I still love Cake, Nine Inch Nails, TMBG, Prince, Marilyn Manson and eels, just like in high school, but now the loving has deepened. I enjoy more music than just that, but a concert of any of the above would overtake any interest in any other band. I have not added any other favorites although I have broadened my spectrum a bit. I am happy in my niche. Good one.

10 - Is that...a dead baby? A dead...dog baby?
Only if you walk, fully clothed, into the pool, think all Black people are from Africa, spend Saturday mornings walking around on the roof with a leaf blower making sure leaves don't pile up there and assert the reason Jews don't eat meat and dairy has something to do with plates.

11 - Please properly punctuate the above.
Looks like a dead...baby. A dead...dog baby...


12 - Why hasn't your huge ass picked up filled, hopped across that measily Atlantic and come to visit me yet?
Lack of money. And Phil was sleeping. And Vovo wouldn't wake him up.


13 - If they had a sing-off, both doing "Kiss", who would win, Prince or Tom Jones? Could Michael Jackson and George Michael be hired as judges?



Kaitlyn's Questions

1. What would you do if Chris found out she had Shrinkitis and over the course of a year was going to whittle down to three feet tall?
I would continue to grow taller, as is the natural order of things.

2. Denise is in love with you. How does that make you feel?
Moist.

3. Phil or Will: who would you rather felch and why?
Phil, because he keeps his anus VERY clean, also, Will is a hairy man and if I'm going to felch, I don't want to have to floss first. Unless you meant to use the word "fletch"...

4. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I can't reveal that yet. I will someday, on my death bed or in my suicide note or something.

5. If it came down to it and the opportunity was there, would you fuck Prince?
Seriously, maybe. Maybe I'd just touch his penis. I am answering this without having read Possessed: The Rise and Fall of Prince yet, so I might change my answer based on the book. I'll let you know.


Denise's Questions

1. Have you ever had Joggers Nipple? Are you sure?
I have no idea what that is, but since I don’t jog, I'll just say probably not.
2. If you could only use 3 words in the English language (a verb, a noun and an adjective) what would they be?
Dig, dude, lovesexy. If the question were extended to include adverb, exclamation, gerund and participle...totally, fuck, rocking, funkified.

3. The country’s grape soda supply has been exhausted. What do you do?
Turn back to Vanilla coke or Sprite or Snapple Lemon Ice Tea, all previously abused beverages for me.
4. What character (from a book or movie) do you feel you most resemble? Why?
Wow, excellent fucking question Denise. Part of me wants to answer the BFG from the book of the same title because part of me is indeed a Big Friendly Giant. Although part of me also feels like the Author from Edward Gorey's The Chinese Obelisk. From the start of the story, he sets off and wanders through the day with a dreadful sense of doom hanging over his head. At the end of the story, he is crushed by a falling urn. I feel like that.
5. What do you feel is the biggest misconception women have of men?
That we're all big and strong. In reality we are crying all the time.