End of the Month Music Bitchfest - August 2012

Nine Inch Nails
A photo of Mariqueen was posted on the HTDA tumblr page.
*slow, unimpressed jerking off motion*

And, as for Nine Inch Nails, I have decided to chart their upcoming releases.
The objective of this task is triune in nature; first, it is to mock the general malaise of unproductivity NIN fans have suffered this year (or, since there has been no "new Nine Inch Nails music" since 2008, these past four years), second, it is to make myself feel better when/if any of these releases actually come out before their absurd and fabricated release dates, and, third, it is to point out to Trent (who, as I have mentioned countless times before, is a ravid* follower of this blog) just how silly he is when it comes to releasing material.

Project Title	Release Date
Theme for “Black Ops II”	November 13th, 2012
How To Destroy Angels LP	December 31st, 2012
The Fragile: 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition	September 22nd, 2015
Follow up to Year Zero, tentatively titled Year Zero II	November 28th, 2017
Follow up to Ghosts I-IV, tentatively titled Ghosts V-VIII	January 12th, 2021
Return to touring	February 20th, 2021
Second retirement from touring	January 6th, 2022
With Teeth: 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition	May 13th, 2025
Tapeworm triple album**	July 2nd, 2030

Note: This list does not include the various remixes and guest appearances and production jobs Reznor will take on between now and July, 2030, the total of which will be six. 

While in the midst of typing these absurd release dates, I realized that they aren't actually that absurd. Which is heart-dentingly sad and the reason that I have four other favorite bands...

Beck
FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU.
Less than one percent of me laughed my ass off at myself when I saw this.***
"Well, you wanted a new Beck album...BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!".
When did wanting one of my favorite artists to create and release new, original music that I can listen to become like wishing for something on a goddamn monkey's paw? Do I really need to specify that I want my favorite bands to record albums that contain full length songs in a format that requires nothing but headphones and a small device on which to play them?!
Well, apparently I do.
I actually got rather hot debating this whole Song Reader bullshit with Chris a few weeks ago.
She thinks it's a great evolution for Beck as an artist and as a musician.
She thinks it's wonderful that he's just putting this out there for others to interpret and do with what they will, bringing their own special something to his music.
I...feel differently.
I don't want a bunch of Beck fans playing and recording this as some sort of cover/tribute album that fell out of the timestream because it won't be a Beck album. It will be Beck's music played by other people.
And, as much as I enjoy Charlotte Gainsbourgh singing songs written by Beck, I would gladly seal her in a barrel of formaldehyde and drop it out of a blimp if that meant him recording and releasing his own work.
 Chris compared this shift to David Lynch not having written and directed a film in six years and to how he's been branching out and producing things, opening elite clubs in France, recording music and a bunch of other stuff that is decidedly not writing and/or directing films.
Guess what...I haven't really given a shit about anything Lynch has done in the past six years...because he hasn't been writing and/or directing films...which is what he excels at.
Have you heard his album? It's a bad joke told by a clown having a nightmare and a bowle movement at the same time.
Chris also compared this to Reznor releasing the multi-tracks for his music and, while I see her point, he didn't just hand you a bunch of paper with notes on it, he released the finished product then said, "Here's how I did it and what I used to do it, now it's your turn." With Reznor, there was always a point of reference, a "right way". With this? Well, what are the chances that your interpretation of "a funky keyboard solo" is going to be anything NEAR as funky as Beck's funky keyboard solo?
Zero.
The chances are zero.
Rage!
Bottom line, then I'll move on: as an artist, Beck wins. This is an ingenious idea that will be awesome for a very, very small percentage of his fans, but, as someone making music for people that like to listen to and enjoy his music, this is a pretty big fuck you. Jesus, it's almost like he's trolling his own fans!
"You want a new album? Make it yourself, I'm too busy being an artist rather than making art."
And, for that, Beck, I say fuck you and fuck you and fuck you.
The only way he can make this shitty dickslap better is if, after a few months of letting this sit there and piss me off, he fucking records it himself and releases it.
Hey, maybe he can put the CD in that wonderful fucking book of magical and useless sheet music.

Luckily, not every piece of Beck related news this month was as infuriating as having someone piss in my face while rubbing the diarrhea of a rapist in my hair.
On August 7th, the PS3 and PS Vita game Sound Shapes was released.
It contains three...I don't want to say songs by Beck...more like three sketches of songs.
I'm only saying this because there aren't verses and all that, more like...oh, just watch the videos.
The first song/level, "Cities" has a bass line reminiscent of "Cellphone's Dead", but manages to be its own awesome creation, the second "Touch The People" is less a b-side from Midnite Vultures, and more like a c-side, it is fucking weird, and, the third, "Spiral Staircase" is just pitch perfect Beck.
I've found myself playing his levels again and again, just to hear his music.
And, although this is a perfect vehicle for some experimental Beck tunes, I'd gladly buy a "Cities" EP to have these tracks with me wherever I go.
This was a great project for Beck to take part in.
*sigh*
You know, I might just stop checking in with Beck until he gets back to doing the things I give a shit about.
I told you that he was designing sunglasses there for a while, right?
Sunglasses.
Designing them.

Cake
Cake played a show in Brooklyn on the 10th (come on, guys, isn't that a bit on the nose...?).
It contained no new music and no news of upcoming new music.

Eels
It's now been over a year since anything relating to Eels was posted on their official web site.
So.
Yeah.
Nothing good about that.
But...

They Might Be Giants
Oh thank fucking Christ, some rock solid good news.
In the last ten days, I have received both my custom ringtone (custom...as in Flansburgh sings my name and tells me to answer my phone...) and my IFC Super President package including a huge IFC coin featuring a three-eyed FDR, some brand new and exclusive TMBG tracks on two 7" vinyls and a membership card. On said card, one can record their height, name...and nickname. I don't actually have a nickname, so I asked Flans to give me one.
My new nickname is Bunkie.
Thank you, Mr. Flansburgh.
And thank you, They Might Be Giants Instant Fan Club for keeping my faith alive during this odd, simultaneous hiatus of my favorite bands.


AND in even more rock solid good news, on August 14th, Chris Vrenna finally dropped some Tweaker on us!
The next and final Tweaker album, call the time eternity, is set for release on October 23rd.
We have artwork, track list AND clips from each of its eleven songs.
This is going to be a lot darker than the previous two Tweaker albums.
Check it out here.

In less than two weeks, Love This Giant, the David Byrne/St. Vincent team up album will be out, and, well, it's going to be really good. I know that's presumptuous, but, come on, St. Vincent and David Byrne made an album...together...that's fucking awesome.

In more...I don't know...less interesting music news, both Garbage and Marilyn Manson released new music videos this month.
Garbage, for their excellent new single "Big Bright World" and Manson for one of the not-entirely-shitty tracks of his new "effort", "Slow-Mo-Tion".
The video for "Big Bright World" isn't as good as the song and should have starred the band flying around in the TARDIS with Matt Smith, and maybe some back and forth between Karen Gillan and Shirley Manson, as they are the two hottest and most talented Scottish redheads in show business right now.
The video for "Slow-Mo-Tion"...well, it has a lot of interesting uses of fluorescent paint, some weird non-narrative/narrative thread involving crazy light goggles and shooting people from a rooftop which Manson will probably forget about and abandon...now, naked boobs (wow, Marilyn, boobs. Haven't seen those since Jesus invented them...) and yet another bunch of scenes with Manson holding a guitar and looking like he's about to play it, but never actually playing it. Maybe he forgot what it does?

While I haven't been overlistening to anything, I did just get my new Audio Technica M50 headphones and I've been listening to old standards (read: Nine Inch Nails) with them.
Major drawback: they don't block out nearly as much sound as my beautiful Sennheiser HD 280's (I refuse to call them "Sennies" as I'm not a studio tech from the 90's), plus some vocals tend to get swallowed up by the surrounding music.
The bass is much better though and a lot of stuff sounds fuller and better spread out in the sound field.
At the moment, the Sennies**** are still God, but I will do my best to put more time in with the M50's.
Really bummed about the noise...

Okay.
Be free.
Make noise.








* Rabid + avid = ravid

** This is totally funny if you get the reference, and, if not, it'll make about as much sense as the rest of my gibbering

*** The rest of me boraded a school bus full of special needs children, screamed until I shit myself bloody, then dove out the window crying

**** I lied.

Alaska: You Are My Heart

Ooooooh! That sounds po-etic!
I'm thinking of putting together a little video slideshow....whoa...just typing those words made me uninterested in this.
Okay, maybe I won't put together a little video slideshow.
I mean...if you went to Alaska and posted pictures, would I want to see them? Even if they were set to "North To Alaska" by Johnny Horton?
I'm going to be honest with you and say, "No. I would not."
Let me think for a moment (tough, as my sleep recently has been...scattered) if there are any pictures that aren't of me in front of some building you've never been to/won't ever be to or of just a mountain or river (both subjects which, to my limited knowledge in the field of photography, have been tackles at least a handful of times) or some other thing that you probably won't give a shit about as it does not contain naked boobs or butts...hm......not that I can think of...I mean, there is a picture of me dunking my head in a glacially cold waterfall and petting a fox named hance at the Alaska Zoo...but, other than those? Not really worth checking out. And a whole slideshow (ugh, it's that WORD) of just those pictures? Even set to "North To Alaska" by Johnny Horton? That no one is going to watch?
Well.
So, that won't happen.

In other, less Alaskan, more actory news, Jess, Phil and a bunch of other grapes shot another chunk of Unker & Psysia this morning, and plan to shoot more this Saturday.
Not sure when you'll see stuff from this, but things went pretty great and we got a lot of excellent stuff, including a gorgeous, shirtless man starring in one of the hottest awkward moments caught on film...or most awkward hot moments...no, the first one.
Totally hot. Totally awkward.
Plus, there's an excellent chalk drawing of a huge banana.
Oh the good times we have on the radio...

I'm tired.

Maybe more on this but probably not.

Chris and I are rewatching Firefly and getting angry about it's premature cancellation alllll over again.
Joss, now that you're recognized by the mainstream as a god, can you please do something to stick it up Fox's ass?

Thanks.

 Your friend,

Tired

I WON WEDNESDAY.

FUCKING TOOTH AND NAIL BUT I WON.

Behold my fucking battle!

I slept little, yes, FAR less than a normal would!

And then I awoke far too early for a human to function, but once I had awoken.
You know, I'm too tired for this faux artistry bullshit.

I had a booking at 10, an audition at noon and then another booking at 1.

My milk was sour so I enjoyed a breakfast of dry Cheerios.
Hey, guess what...fuck dry Cheerios.
And yes there are people starving in blah blah blah, but dry Cheerios are still fucking awful.

The first booking was yet another Comcast...or so I thought...
It turns out that they gave me a completely new script ushering in their completely new advertising angel, namely: "This is awesome."
Yes, Comcast's new thing is: this is awesome.

I got to say: "This is HBO/Showtime on Xfinity. This is awesome" about forty different ways.
And, honestly, it was awesome.
Partly because that was actually pretty funny (certainly compared to "unlock the best entertainment with HBO/Showtime on Xfinity") and partly because this might mean another year and a half of working with Digitas and going in once a month or so in order to exchange some of the golden honey that is my voice for cold, hard cash-fucking-money.

Then across town to the Uncomfortable Place to audition for a web video for the CDC.
I had to sign an NDA, but I can say that it was not not about the coming zombie plague outbreak and what one should do if bitten (hint: panic).
Man would it be cool to have the CDC on my resume.
I'm a big fan of their work in The Stand and The Walking Dead and Contagion.
Too bad things don't always turn out well for them...

Then, as I had just enough time to eat, I ATE.
Specifically a Chickacavo sandwich from Lenny's.
Yes, it's chicken and avocado.
Not just chicken and avocado.
There was bread too.
BREAD.

Then, as I still had twenty minutes to kill, I walked, very, very slowly to the Best Buy about half a block away and then, very, very slowly to the Blu-Rays where I picked up Hunger Games.

Then, onto my second booking of the day, a quick half hour at Bang for some Speakaboos stuff. I did one line as the giant that got overlooked last time, some more narrator stuff and then three little boy voices.
Oh, and a police radio dispatcher.
Actually, this was just heartwarming...so, the guy who had written the police dispatcher didn't really have a voice in mind, so I did a really standard "voice". After we'd done those lines, they asked if I wanted to try anything and I did this gruff, put upon, Brooklyn accented guy and they seemed to dig it.
When I got out, the guy who had written this character said he'd had nothing in mind for the voice, but that he loved me choice, and then, the creative director guy who I've worked with since this project started said, "Yeah, why would we give some normal guy to you? You always do the cool stuff."
And that felt great.
(pet the pretty show horse, brush him and give him honeyed oats)

Then I got home and had twenty minutes to scream at how I had no time to shower or nap, then I went to work.

Thusly: I have won Wednesday.

But...what could be next for me?

Well, at four o'clock Thursday morning (in about seven hours) Chris and I have to go to the airport to fly to Chicago (2.5 hours) and then to Alaska (5.5 hours).
So.
Since I'm getting home no earlier than 11:30 and I have yet to pack ANYTHING for my five day trip, I am going to take it easy, maybe watch a little something, pack my bag, then around 2am or so, shower, dress and eat some food.
Then, off to the Great White Shark North.
That's right, I'm not sleeping.
Now, perhaps you're thinking, "Well, that shouldn't be too awful...you can always sleep on the plane..."
FUCK YOU, imaginary reader, I say, FUCK YOU.
I'm six feet eight inches tall and airplanes are made for people who are five feet one inches tall, so FUCK YOU, I say again, I will NOT be getting any sleep on the plane.
So HA!
HA!
Rather, I shall ascend to Alaska, like a drop of dew aloft a leaf, and there I shall bite the tits off God.

MMMMMAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE MMMMMYYYYYYYY CCRRREEMMMMMAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!

Crumb Bums

How was "crumb bums" ever an insult?
Does it imply that one is a bum who likes crumbs or perhaps that they are bums (hobos or tushies) ith crumbs on them?
Get me a literarian, statim!

Emotionally draining week. Rock and a hard place with my lovely lovely and it's neither of our faults. If only this magic bubble in which I exist made money and food and had just enough room for the two of us...
So that should be a massive pain in the soul to get figured out...

But, something that will prove a wonderful (if not permanent solution): I met with one Jess Howell this afternoon and, all you folks on spokes, Unker & Psyia is BACK! Or will be, over pretty much every weekend in September and October right up until Jess leaves for L.A. on November first.
I've just spent the past several hours writing and fleshing out scripts and sketches that we brainstormed this afternoon*, and, as always, the creation of original ideas felt glorious.
In recent years, I've realized that, while fun, references to other peoples' work can only be so enjoyable. The creation of ones' own, original thoughts, jokes, experiences etc. is beyond compare. And yes, I understand that nothing is truly original, but, fuck me for being immodest, I think I'm one of the most original people I know.
And I'll sing opera to a titmouse sleepy off cough syrup and lunch meat if you don't believe me.

Then there's this wedding which I'm not talking about.
Bottom line: by Thursday the 30th, I will no longer be complaining about it.
Bon?
Bon.

Next week looks to be a hairy one indeed...Monday should be just Monday, but Tuesday I'm meeting with Becca, Jesi and Jess to go over a script we're shooting in...a few weeks/a month/2012? that was conceptualized by Becca, written by Alan and their friend Mary Beth and starring me and the Ladies Three.
The writing is nice and snappy and it has massive comic/geek appeal so it should be pretty tasty...if we ever get to shoot it.
Then, Wednesday, I have two bookings in a matter of HOURS because I'm SO FUCKING TALENTED THAT MY SKILL IS JUST SEEPING OUT OF MY PORES LIKE BLOOD-- no, that's blood..
Hm.
Doctor's office!!!Yet another session for Comcast and a quick 15 minute pick-up session for Speakaboos.
The children are frightened of my Humpty Dumpty.
And then Thursday has me catching a 6:30 a.m. flight with Chris to Alaska...the Land of No Snow Even Though It's Fucking Alaska.
At least the polar bears should be easy to spot.

On my way to lunch, I passed the receiving entrance to the Hospital and saw the medical examiner rolling a body out into his truck.
Rattled me but good.
I need to sac up before this Zombie Apocalypse kicks into high gear or I'm corpse fodder.

Could there be anything else worth telling you about?
I'll let you know...


*I did so using Google Docs for the first time. And it sucked hard. Why is everyone jacking off over Google Docs? Yeesh.

That Ol' Mexicali Jambone

Some months ago, Christina and I were discussing movies we watched obsessively as children.
Eventually, the movie Cyborg (starring Jean Claude Van Damme, henceforth known as JCVD or Jesus Christ! Venereal Disease!) came up.
Apparently, her and her brothers would watch it over and over, and it was awesome.
I told her that, when I was younger, my best friend Simrall and I would constantly watch JCVD movies, specifically, Double Impact, the movie in which JCVD stars opposite JCVD (twins separated at birth) and they work together to kick some ass and talk funny.
So, we made a deal.
We watch Cyborg and then Double Impact.
But.
After watching Cyborg, life just..got in the way, and she never held up her end of the bargain to sit down and watch Double Impact.
A quick aside: neither of us was under the impression that these movies would hold up or even be watchable, understand? So there was an element of "why are we doing this to ourselves" to this whole thing.
Fast forward a few months to Chris waxing nostalgic about watching another movie endlessly with her brothers, namely, Best of the Best, starring Eric Roberts' hair and, for some odd reason, James Earl Jones (and Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs...what?).
I say that I'll gladly watch this but only if we watch BOTH Double Impact and Double Team, the movie in which JCVD teams up with, you guessed it,* Dennis Rodman, the gay basketball player who married Madonna thinking she was a rich man.
Why would I ever even know about this utter piece of shit, let alone want to watch it?
Because there is an element of punishment to this: we watched HER movie almost immediately after the deal was sealed and then didn't want mine until just last weekend.
Oh, and I know about this because my old friend, Angela, had a major boner for Dennis Rodman and wanted to see him with his shirt off so we saw it in theaters.
Anyway, all this to say that on Sunday, Chris and I watched Best of the Best and Double lmpact back to back.

Best of the Best had some amazing hair, surprisingly good dialogue, the worst music I've head in a movie in a while, and a bunch of unanswered questions such as: how is James Earl Jones (who didn't throw a punch once in the film) the coach of the United States Karate Team (which isn't a thing), why would one of the five "best of the best" be a forty something year old assembly line worker with an injured shoulder and another of the "best of the best" be a dirty fighting, overweight racist with, based on his performance, no formal training in anything more Eastern than eating Chinese food?
But, to think more on these questions and their unattainable answers would cause brain death, so let's move on to Double Impact.

You guys...this movie was a whole lot better than either Chris or I could have hoped for.
JCVD plays Chad AND! Alex, one was raised in L.A. and teaches yoga and likes pastels and is maybe six inches from being gay, while the other grew up in Hong Kong (another aside: "Hong" shows up in spell check, but not "Kong". Do we have a huge ape to thank for this?) and wears leather and smokes cigars and is mean. You actually get to see JCVD acting, and, like I said, it's actually pretty good.
That man is ripped in a way that makes men uncomfortable.
The bad guys die, the good guys don't, and, of course, JCVD fights JCVD.
JCVD wins...and so does the viewer.

Double Team arrives tonight from Netflix and everything will go downhill from there.

And before this magical day with my Beloved, I had a small group of REAL friends over to watch one of my favorite movies ever (Clue: The Movie, which, by the by, still, not only holds up, but standing highest among those in its genre) and (fucking finally) crack open my copy of Cards Against Humanity.
The wait was completely worth it.
I'm not going to try to explain its glory, I will just say this: if you love Apples to Apples and always give the green card to the person with the darkest, most fucked up noun/adjective combo, then this game was, literally, made with you in mind.
I will never play Apples to Apples in my home again unless it's with total strangers...and even then I may go with CAH, just to see what happens.
It's never felt so good to be horrible.

I believe this weekend is reserved for quiet reflection before Chris and I go to fucking Alaska for her fucking brother's beautiful fucking wedding.
It's going to be fucking magical, but, obviously, I'm complaining because I can't not.
I CAN'T NOT.
How can someone so miserable have snagged someone as glittering and sparkles and effervescent and just fucking unequalled in amazing awesomeness as Christina?
What's the gag?
Is she a man?
Am I in a coma?
Is it some mean prank?
Am I just a dolphin dreaming up this tall actor, shambling and sweating his way through this life he's constantly bitching about?

Hope I never find out, because this is awesome.







* You totally didn't guess it.

This Shit Isn't Worth $382.50

Remember that scary audition I had on Wednesday? With the Screaming Guy?
Turns out I got a callback for it.
For a voice over...for some mobile app...that only pays $450...before my manager's commission.
A callback.
I got there, crammed myself into the tiny ass booth (think half a TARDIS if it weren't bigger on the inside) and then picked up the copy.
Now, for those that don't know, I have some pretty awful problems with my vision.
In a nutshell, I can't see anything, nothing at all, out of my right eye and have something like 40% visibility in my left, which huge swatches obscured by scar tissue on my retina and macula.
Imagine disco static right in the center of your field of vision and scattered clouds of it throughout.
The font on the script was this bolded, crowded type and the light was appalling, we're talking maybe 40 watts.
I've been doing this professionally for almost ten years and I've dealt with situations like this before, I tend to hold the copy up as opposed to using the stand and I'll turn towards the light, no muss, no fuss.
But, between the font and the light, my read was sounding like shit, I was pausing and hitching and it was just not sounding good at all.
So Screamy (who has been totally cool thus far, no screaming or anything) gets on my headphones and says that he wants me to have a fair shake at this and what I'm doing is sounding stilted, is there anything they can do, print it out bigger or bring the mic out into the room (because my head is, literally, pressed against the ceiling of the booth if I stand up straight) or whatever.
I say that making things brighter or printing it out bigger would be perfect.
Everything is still fine, no screaming or anything, although I'm walking on eggshells because I know this guy is a fucking volcano and I do NOT want lava on me this early in the morning, but then, after trying to print this thing out on three different machines without luck, he's getting a bit haggard.
He says he can't get it to print out and then he turns on a lamp in the room I'm now standing in (he took the mic and stand and everything out of the booth and placed it in the middle of the room) and we try it again.
And of course it sounds like shit because of all this and it's still not bright enough and the font is still fucked and this guy is totally pissed about the printer and it's getting projected onto me for making him go through all this and as soon as I leave he's going to explode and kill everything and etc.

So, that was great and totally made me feel excellent for the rest of the day at no point during which did I want to sit in a dark room and weep softly into a lavender scented body pillow.
At all.
And all this for a callback.
For a voice over...for some mobile app...that only pays $450...before my manager's commission.

So. Much. Auditions. Part II

The week thus far:
ZEGNA, Rainbow Rewards, USAA Mobile App, Optimum
Sex mouth...with an Italian swoosh, huge super hero announcer voice, "that techy friend that we all have...but totally conversational", same as before but with less character.

Cutting right to the bullshit: while in the booth with the other guy in the spot, the client (guy representing Rainbow Rewards), who had shown up 20 minutes late to his OWN audition therefore delaying the room full of actors about 45 minutes, says, out loud with the studio mic open, "Uh, his read was too slow", in a dismissive tone that said, "Yeah, we're not going to cast him."
Dude.
DUDE.
A. I'm right here and completely heard you say that and B. have me read the 30 second spot again, you wang, don't toss my shit out because I didn't read it fast enough.
Fucking. Unprofessional. Xmax.

Then, this morning's USAA audition, which was that worst kind of pap, had me talking about a mobile app for USAA (no idea what that us) in detail...but as if I were just having a conversation.
Yeah, no prob.
Hi, Bus Friend, I know I'm just this guy sitting next to you on a bus, but I see you have a mobile device and I'm pretty sure you'd like...no...LOVE to hear about an app that allows you to make business investments! You can download it and store it right next to Angry Birds!!!
So.
Nailed that one.

Then off to do the same audition I did last week, but in a different place and with less character.

Those last two took place today, the first alllll the way over on 11th and 25th in one of those studios that was totally someone's apartment.
I walked in and some guy told me to take a seat and to give him a holler when I was ready. I did so, and was taking a look at this totally natural script when he proceeded to make a super condescending phone call before hanging up and then screaming, "Jesus fucking Christ! Get your fucking head out of your ASS!"
I was going to say something like, "Sorry..." in a really small voice to try and defuse the situation, but this guy was maybe a little too intense for, you know, humor.
Think John Malkovich when he plays really angry.
That audition...did not go well...

Then, as I had an unexpected gulf of time between my second audition (Optimum- **fart noise**) and my Five Star Employee luncheon with the executive VP and director of development here at the Hospital*, I stopped by Midtown Comics to catch up on Walking Dead (WOO!) and The Boys (please be done soon). You know, I only go there a few times a year, but every time I do, I feel so at home. In the ten minutes or so I spent wandering around, I heard three different nerdy conversations that I could have totally weighed in on, and, while I was in line, I saw an MC employee cultivating a huge stack of basics to get this young kid further into comics. He knew and liked Hellboy and some other lighthearted demon thing, but had yet to see Avengers.
I don't know, the whole thing just warmed my heart and excited me: the stuff this kid has to look forward to...
I may have just witnessed the birth of a geek.
I also bought a Deadpool t-shirt that I'd been eyeing for a while on Think Geek.

Then, to my luncheon, which was just as awkward as you might imagine, although I did my best to stand out from the usual folks here as intelligent, well spoken, witty and devastatingly handsome.
Mission: accomplished.
Where are my pants?
**GRIN**

And now?
Well, I'm struggling to stay awake of course, what else?
Just received an e-mail that Comcast want me back in a few weeks from now, so that's shiny...
Hopefully one of these other auditions will pay off...but not the scary one...I did not like that, no sir.

All right.
I'm through.






*You never believe me when I say I'm good at my job when I do it...Will.

A review of Daniel Licht's "Silent Hill: Downpour" score

I have played every Silent Hill game in the series except for the latest, "Silent Hill: Downpour".
I have, however, listened to the score from the aforementioned "Silent Hill: Downpour".
And it's not a very good score for a Silent Hill game.

Up to this point in the series, every game has been scored by insane, Japanese soundtorturer, Akira Yamaoka. He has expressed fear, menace, decay, sickness, sadness, insanity and a whole bunch of other uncomfortable emotional states better than any other artist I have heard.
And he's done his best work without words.
So, when it was announced that he would not be involved with the latest Silent Hill game, I became understandably pensive.
The game was released on March 13th, 2012 and garnered unimpressed reviews, none of which really went into the music beyond commenting that it wasn't as good as Yamaoka's previous work, so I decided to check out the soundtrack.

The first thing that goes wrong happens about thirty seconds into the opening track, and that thing is Korn.
It was announced that they were to collaborate with Daniel Licht (Downpour's composer, who you may know from his work on other nightmarish survival-horror games such as...Showtime's Dexter) on the game's theme, titled, simply, "Silent Hill".
Kudos, Licht, way to make fans of the series hate you more than poison before having even heard a note of your work.
Korn, whose lead singer sounds like an asthmatic, twitchy teen on helium.
Korn, who covered Cameo's "Word Up".
Korn, who Silent Hill fans started a petition to get removed from this project.
They lend their "talents" to the first and only vocal track.
After that act of aggressive mediocrity, the rest of the album just kind of blurs together into a hazy sludge of mandolins (both tuned and detuned, played properly and improperly), vague attempts at unsettling choirs (which end up sounding like Danny Elfman's b-sides) and some chanting and droning which wasn't bad but that had been done better when Yamaoka was in charge.
There is some strong piano that hearkens back to the solid soundtracks of the earlier games and there are glimpses of some interesting programming, but they're covered up so quickly by the boring, typical orchestral tropes you've heard again and again in similar situations that they're almost not worth mentioning. That was one of the worst aspects of the score: you heard some good, faceted stuff, but then it was gone, which is almost worse than it not being there at all, because you know the potential is there, but they're just not exploring it.
Very frustrating.

A few tracks almost make an impression; namely, "Monastic Tendencies", in which the chanting and droning mentioned above work very well to create a dissonance which does a great job of rubbing your mind the wrong way, "Clowning Around With Monsters" (maybe one of the worst titles a song has ever been saddled with) has some chilling laughing/moaning that weaves in and out of itself, developing quite a disturbing atmosphere, and both "Welcome To Devil's Pit" and "Basement Fight"* start off with some really interesting sonic set-ups, only to be ruined by the well-tuned, well-played and completely banal orchestral elements that populate any and every bland horror experience you've ever had.

Aside from that block of four songs towards the back of the album (which only stand out because they're slightly less lackluster than the rest), this thing is a wash. Maybe I'll feel differently hearing it once some nightmare is chasing me down and trying to eat/rape my body and soul, but, who knows?
It's just too...whimsical. At times, it sounds like it's music from some kids' mystery movie, maybe with a haunted house that turns out to be Eddie Murphy in a fat suit who, as we learn in the third act, is just lonely...not scary.
Yamaoka created sounds that were not of this world while Licht is just trying to make mundane instrumentation sound less mundane.
AND HE IS OVERUSING THE MANDOLIN TO THE POINT OF PARODY.
It doesn't matter how much you try to shove it down our ears, Daniel, the mandolin is not as versatile as you think or want it to be.

Look, it isn't bad, but it certainly isn't Silent Hill. This music would fit nicely in a horror movie...maybe the new Silent Hill movie, but it just doesn't capture the darkness and despair and delirium of playing Silent Hill. Music for the game needs to be more engrossing and terrifying. It needs to be the aural counterpart to what we're seeing and experiencing. I know this is a cop out for me, but, after their work on the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score, I'd love to see Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross take a crack at Silent Hill**.
In the end, Licht removed the signature from the degenerate, mad art that is Silent Hill, and that is unforgivable.








*So I guess there's going to be a fight in a basement. Hellooo? Spoilers?
** Listen to "Perihelion" or "With The Flies" and then type up the petition...

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover and Pyramid Head

Jen Rock showed up Saturday after noon to finish Silent Hill 2 and attend a rooftop film festival themed around experimental films concerning agriculture with Chris.
I stayed at home and laughed about that idea for a few hours.
When they returned, we all watched the Neil Gaiman episode of Doctor Who, became angry that he's never going to write for Doctor Who again and then continued our playthrough.
That game has so much more backtracking and trial and error than I remember...which is why we used a walkthrough.
Time is money, folks.

After we finished the game (with the "Leave" ending...look it up if you really want to), Jen got back at me for making her play Silent Hill 2 by putting on one of her favorite movies, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, starring Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren. Also Tim Roth getting food poisoning and vomiting.
This is one of the darker movies I've seen in recent memory and I'll never be able to see Gambon as Dumbledore again.
Wow.
If you have Netflix, it's on streaming.
Add it, watch it and get ready to be bummed out by the dark things humans do.

I've also just started watching the Sarah Silverman Program and Super Hero Squad.
There are very few similarities.
Except for the AIDS jokes.
SHS is so...endearing...but so...stupid...I will either never watch it again or finish both seasons in a matter of days.
Stay tuned.
As for the SSP, once she stops relying on her, "Aren't I adorable?! Look, I just said something horrendous and offensive! Aren't I funny because I'm adorable and said something both horrendous and offensive???" and actually starts being funny, I can enjoy the show.
So far, my favorite line (from a cop who's seen it all) is: "I've seen things that'd make you crap a book on how to puke."
Nicely done.

This Saturday, I may have some people over to watch Clue (which comes out tomorrow on Blu Ray...with fucking NO special features whatsoever. Guys, LOOK at that fucking cast! You've got nothing?!) and play Cards Against Humanity, something I've been looking forward to for about a month.

Now, I am finished.

BEANCROCK.

Thank You, Gregarious And Helpful British Man!

As I was making my way to lunch this afternoon, I felt a flutter on my left shoulder.
I ignored it, as this is New York and I am a New Yorker, but then it came again, like a little bird trying to get my attention; perhaps to give me some seeds?
Now, although I tend to have a rather thunderous expression when my face is at rest and I am stomping around the city, as soon as it's "on" as it were, it's as animated as I am in casual conversation, which is to say: very.
I turned, eyebrows raised in polite inquiry and beheld a vital yet aged man.
I removed my huge, alienating headphones and said, "I'm sorry?"
Perhaps he wanted directions, he was carrying a camera around his neck...
But, as it turns out, he was delightfully British and wanted to know if I had ever heard of Audio Technica headphones as, he informed me, he judged from the Sennseiser HD 280's I was sporting, that I was into high(er) end audio equipment.
So, for a moment or two, I discussed headphones, the sounds of the city and topics of that ilk with this pleasant British gentleman in the middle of the sidewalk on Madison Avenue between 96th and 97th street.

Once I returned from lunch, I did a little digging and, lo and behold, the Audio Technica M50's (which are Audio Technica's answer to Sennheiser's HD 280's) seem to be much, much better than their Sennheiser counterpart.
So.
I'm going to shop around and see if I can find me a pair of M50's in order to experience the difference (quite drastic, if the dozen or so reviews are accurate) between the two.
So I say, "Thank you, gregarious and helpful British man! Thank you and thank you and thank you once again!"

So. Much. Auditions.

Playskool, Optimum, Cavalli, Virgin Mobile.
High energy and excited, straight shooter- think Nick Offerman, masculine and sexy, investigative journalist- think Walter Cronkite.
THAT was my week.
Can I share with you how happy I am that none of these were speced with that ol' industry shitsicle* "friendly...not announcery...with the hint of a smile..." ?
Very, I'm very happy.
Also a bit fatigued from all the voicey mouth talking.

At some point, I'm going to write something about how funny it is that it isn't the whole of Total Recall that's based on the Philip K. Dick short "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" (which is almost as bad a title as "Philip K. Dick"), but rather the first twelve minutes.
Makes me curious to see if the new movie is a remake of the 1990 version or what.
Here's hoping there aren't any puppetcheasts *SHUDDER*.

I might also talk about how enjoyable the, sadly short-lived, Spider-Man animated show from 2003 is (once you get past the futuristic gay club music tin which the whole series is basted), especially when directly compared to the show from the mid to late 90's. Man, was that writing shit. Although the final episode, in which Spider-Man meets Stan Lee as Stan Lee was pretty fanboytastic.

One thing is for goddamn sure...there will soon be a fiery, bile-soaked, hate-drizzled fuckrant aimed directly at Halle Berry Vad Actress.
I just found out that she is going to be a lead in the "Cloud Atlas" film adaptation.
Only Christina can express how upset I was.
I actually had a tantrum.
Then, poor girl, she tried to ameliorate the situation by saying, "If it makes you feel any better, they styled her really well," at which point I unleashed the most sarcasm I've ever produced at one time on one person.
I then saved myself a swift punch in the face but informing her of that fact and asking if she were all right.
Fucking Halle Berry.
SHE'S NOT AN ACTRESS.
Ugh.
No.
Save your hate for later.

Something is happening this weekend, but I have no idea what.
It might involve Doctor Who or the new Spider-Man movie or finishing Silent Hill 2 with J Rock, but I honestly have no idea.

I may also have a Clue/Cards Against Humanity thing next weekend.
These cards are burning a hole in my games hutch.
Games. Hutch.
Hutch.

Then I'm going to god damn Alaska for a wedding.
I plan to embrace and then be mauled by a bear.
I may also steal a puffin, if I see one and can lure it to my person.

Meanwhile, I continue to sweat profusely at all times.
I haven't been in my bedroom for more than five minutes in over a month and will continue to live in my living room until THE SUN FUCKING CUTS OUT THIS BULLSHIT.

All right.
Go now, and know that I am uncomfortable.












* Yeah, a Popsicle made of shit, you got it.

End of the Month Music Bitchfest - July 2012

Nine Inch Nails
Someone pinch me!!! Could it be??? A new song??? Without lyrics??? For a supermacho, run-of-the-mill first person shooter??? Coming out in November???
This truly is the Age of Wonders.*
So, Reznor is doing the theme for Call of Duty: Black Ops 2: Headshotting A Bunch Of Juvenile, Racist, Sexist, Brainless, Pothead Douchbags In Multiplayer.
And I am thrilled.
One year : one song.
A bold new artistic direction for Nine Inch Nails, but, hey, you never know, this could be what saves the dying music industry.
You can hear a few bits and pieces of said theme underneath one of the most......long winded....and overdramatic.....speeches......EVAR...here.
You can also hear it in the background under David S. Goyer and Reznor talking about how video games are viable entertainment here.

In the same (not proofread) interview with USA Today, Reznor was also asked about the How To Destroy Angels album (set for release Q1, 2011) and said the following:

We have a finished album. It's been finished for a little while. We're doing a little bit of tweaks on it (see what I mean about the lack of proofreading?). The record will be out soon. We are doing a different type of distribution this time so it's taking a bit longer to coordinate stuff. There's a lot of music about to be unleashed, videos et cetera.

Now...I think I've discussed (at length) Trent Reznor's definition of "soon"...yes? So, my pants are sad, but, he also said there is "a lot of music coming". Last time he said that, he released the three disc Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score, so my pants are happy.
And, as far as, "a different type of distribution"...well...I have no idea how they're going to reinvent this wheel in a way that really matters and I'd be fine with his previous methods of distribution if it meant we got the new music faster but...I don't know...if they come up with something other than the various purchase options (ranging from mp3 to FLAC to CD to deluxe to super deluxe to sell-a-kidney super deluxe packaging), great, just don't let the wrapping delay the contents, namean?
One thing I will say; if this magical and stunningly original distribution plan involves six months of posting blurred images, then a handful of short, abstract videos with a bass line or synth loop or drum beat, then a free song, then a music video and then, finally, the album...expect me to be a touch vexed.
Note: the previous sentence is rendered null and void if said album meets or exceeds the aforementioned six month period of hype.
Thank you.

Reznor also mentioned, rather offhandedly, that he's working on new Nine Inch Nails music and that it was "in gestation".
Whether we're talking the gestation period of a mayfly or of an African elephant...well, I suppose we'll find out in 2015**, when the next Nine Inch Nails album is slated for release.

You can read the whole interview here.


They Might Be Giants
Although the first major IFC package (as well as our custom ringtones) was promised in July...nothing came, although, again, thanks to Flans' constant updates via the IFC Tumblr account, the fans have been kept well informed and, according to Mr. Flansburgh, they should go out in the next week or so.
In other news, TMBG have announced their only three shows scheduled for 2012: Saturday the 29th of December through Monday the 31st of December at the Williamsburgh Music Hall for Apathetic, Eye-Rolling Douchbags Who Drink Beer They Don't Like Because It's "Funny".
While I would have loved to go to their New Year's Eve show (I went once and it was awesome), I'm working, so I got tickets to both the preceding shows, the first of which will consist of one side of their second and third albums (Lincoln and Flood) and the second of which will consist of the other side of their second and third albums. Should be fun.


Beck
While the month started off with more flyspecks of not-news manufactured specifically to feed my hatefire (oooh, Beck produced a track for some chick who did a song on the Fleetwood Mac tribute album, ooooooh and oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh, here's a recording of a Woody Guthrie song from the mid-90's, ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!), the end of the month presents us with the revelation of NEW BECK MUSIC.......well, three new songs ("Cities", "Spiral Staircase" and "Touch The People") to be used in a video game called Sound Shapes.
In this game you sort of play the songs as the level...?
You know, it's a little hard to explain and while it does look like a pretty innovative game design and this is a fitting place for Beck's sexy robot musical stylings***...well, I guess I'd like to know where I can purchase these songs as, you know, songs...for listening...with my ears.
Will I buy this game specifically to hear new Beck music?
That...is a good question.
Here's a video that kind of clears things up a bit, and here's another video with one of the new Beck songs ("Cities").
Getting better Beck, but I want album meat, not video game salad.


Eels
In about three months, it'll have been a full year since Eels' official web site has been updated and even longer since it was updated with anything pertaining to Eels' music.
I have nothing else to go here, I'm just worried.
Has anyone talked to E lately?
Everything okay, big guy?
How's your beard?
How about Bobby Jr.?
I have a pretty strong feeling that, if/when that dog dies, E is soon to follow...
And, if you think that sounds a bit shallow...listen to his music some time, he's a seriously fragile dude.


In other musicy newsy poo, I haven't really been overlistening to anything, but I have been focusing on older Bowie (Hunky Dory, The Man Who Sold The World, Diamond Dogs, Pin-Ups). The rampant joy in this young David Bowie's voice is just darling. You can hear those wonderful, jagged, pre-capped teeth giving each syllable its own unique skew...
Some highlights from each include:


From The Man Who Sold The World (1970)

• The Width Of A Circle - A bit long winded at times, but so are you, shut up.
• Running Gun Blues - In which Bowie's voice has this lilt of madness...really unsettling.
• The Supermen - It's a story about a planet of undying gods that can do anything but die. Basically, it's an Alan Moore graphic novel sung by David Bowie.

From Hunky Dory (1971)

• Uh...actually? Pretty much the whole album.

From Pin-Ups (1973)

• Here Comes The Night - Just fun, stop pestering me for reasons you should listen to songs.
• See Emily Play - Why? Because it's Bowie covering Pink Floyd, that's why.
• Friday On My Mind - Just a good time groove. Or GTG, as I call them.

From Diamond Dogs (1974)

• Sweet Thing/Candidate/Sweet Thing (reprise) - These three tracks are really one track, and it's amazing. Dark and brash and triumphant and go and listen to it now.
• Rock and Roll With Me - I have never felt as good about rocking and rolling with someone as when I hear this song,. Yes, David, I WILL rock and roll with you...unless that means sex, in which case...I'll probably still rock and roll with you.
• We Are The Dead - In this we meet a creeping and slimy Bowie (perhaps Halloween Jack from the title track?) who's representing the dead. I have no idea what's happening here, but I want to be somewhere else.

Other than the Bowiefest...hm, that's about it.
This has been a rather horrible month, emotionally, and I've mostly been listening to podcasts about video games to take my mind off things and, when I have been listening to music, it's been my 500+ song "mellow" iPod playlist on shuffle.
I need some more mellow music.

Oh, one last thing: just found out yesterday: a new album from Tori Amos called Gold Dust. When I went to her site and saw the track list, I was bummed; it looked like a best of made up of deep cuts rather than her better known stuff, but, upon further, you know, reading what was written there, I saw that Tori has, in reality, rerecorded and rearranged these fourteen songs with the Metropole Orchestra.
This is intriguing.
I love when bands I've loved for a long time do things like this; reinterpreting their own work years after they wrote it, making it more pertinent and vital and contemporary, finding something new it something old.
This is an excellent exercise for bands that have been around for decades.
Reznor has always excelled at this, as has TMBG, who have been playing some of the same songs in completely different styles for over thirty years.
And, as far as Eels, every single concert features complete reimaginings of their work.
Very much looking forward to this.
Gold Dust is coming out October 2nd.

Anyway, see the bitch/be the bitch.







*Read "Internet Sarcasm"
** Late 2015
*** As in, he is a sexy robot, not that his robot stylings are sexy...even though they are.

More Batman (and some other stuff)

As I'd mentioned before, I saw DKR for a second time on Sunday with Jen and Chris.
Beforehand, Jen and I watched some Batman: The Animated Series because that is what one does.
After coming home from the movie, I broke out my Batman Beyond DVDs in order to watch the episode in which Ra's al Ghul comes back in Talia's body in order to convince Bruce Wayne to live with her and use the Lazarus Pit in order to regain his youth.
Excellent, excellent episode.
After that, I watched a few more.
You know, I sometimes forget how great that show was. Much like BTAS, it's aged very well; it's a bit cheesy here and there (the seemingly obligatory anti-drug episode especially) but the writing and voice acting is rock solid in most cases.
And the actors?
In one random episode, the cast included Robert Patrick, Stephen Baldwin and William H. Macy.
Tight.
And, while the new villains the show introduced are all right, I'm always a sucker for the episodes which feature the villains from Batman's original rogue's gallery, like Mr. Freeze or Ra's al Ghul. The idea that these guys are still threats decades after Batman first fought them gives the whole universe a wonderful sense of cohesion.
In a recent list of Batman movies that were never made, a Batman Beyond movie was mentioned and, according to random internet flatulence, this next reboot is going to shoot for a younger cast... I must say that a Batman Beyond movie would be a great way to ameliorate some of the fans' hatred directed at the idea of rebooting the franchise so soon after such a masterful showing.
It'd rub salve on my ass in any case.

In non-Batman related news*, I was reflecting on that Cardiovascular Institute VO I had last week. Usually, when I go into a VO audition, there is copy with specs. The specs are usually the most banal shit you hear me rant about ("friendly...not announcery...with a hint of a smile..."), but the specs of this consisted of five words: Strong. Confident. Humble. Quiet. Honest. The fact that I booked it felt pretty good. Not that I really believe I''m any of these things, really...but someone somewhere, at the Cardiovascular Institute, thinks I can sound that way.
So I'm going to count that as a victory.

This weekend shall include saying goodbye to two dear friends, Jim and Jen, who are moving to fucking Hawaii. Honestly, it'll be less of a "we're sad to see you go" party and more of a "you lucky assholes" party.
But a party is a party.
And we...like...to party...we like...we like to party.
And then, on Sunday, going to Jersey to help Chris with the last of her mom's furniture.
Which should be just as fun, or MORE fun, than said party.
As long as I'm drunk.

Picked up Silent Hill: Downpour against better judgement as well as the new Amazing Spider-Man game which serves as an epilogue to the movie of the same name, so now I have to see the movie. I think I'm doing that next weekend with Jen and anyone else who's interested.
This was spurred on by my recent watching of tonnes of the mid-90's Spider-Man animated show, which, get ready, is pretty good.
Not really the writing or the animation, both are pretty sloppy and childish, but the scope of the thing...
One recent episode featured Morbius, Blade and the Punisher (all of who were majorly nerfed so as not to scare the kiddies-- you hear a lot of "get him" and "destroy him", but never "kill him"-- but still) and, the one I watched last night, had Venom, Carnage, Baron Mordo (Tony Jay!), Dormammu, Iron Man and fucking War Machine (who was voiced by none other than James "Uncle Phil/Shredder" Avery), and it managed not to feel pointless with all these characters in it. Very well done.
Plus,each season after the first is one cohesive story (to a point), with reoccurring themes and actual character development...it's nowhere near as good as BTAS but it's leagues better than X-Men.

And, in about eighteen minutes, I'm off to grab Neuromancer for Chris and We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, the Philip K. Wang collection so as to see where Total Recall came from before it was a bad movie and, hopefully, a not-as-bad movie in August.

Finally, my good friend Phil has embarked upon a crazy writing challenge, one that will hopefully bear crazy fruits.
Keep a look out over at his site transientme.com.

I'm out.












*You may go.

I'm Going To Talk About The Batman

First things first: major spoilers regarding Batman Begins, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises ahead*, so, there's a reason beside disinterest to not continue reading...

On Thursday last, I came down with a horrible case of Bane Mouth and had to call out of work...what excellent luck that it cleared up right before I headed out to see the Dark Knight trilogy at 34th street's fake IMAX** theater with Jay and Paul and Steve and Jose.
All of whom you don't know but are, nonetheless, real.
I was going to show up at 3pm, but actually found myself tittering with excitement in the shower at about 1:30, so I got out and showed up at 2...right behind ten people and Jay.
About ten minutes later, Steve showed up and, after reading a sign, discovered that we were standing in the line for the Bourne Legacy screening (which, oddly enough, I had turned down an invite to earlier that week) happening at the same theater.
He lead us to the correct line where we were still about ten or fifteen people back.
We stood there and geeked our fucking balls off until about 5pm, when, just as those horrifying isolated thunderstorms were beginning...we were let in.
Guys...we were handed posters...and lanyards.
I worn mine for about five minutes and then took it off, feeling as though I had gone too far.
I'm not kidding, even I have limits.

Then I somehow managed to eat a whole burrito with only a dozen or so grains of rice spilled***, which made me very proud in a way I haven't felt in, literally, decades.
There was more talking and then the (totally gayballs) "IMAX calibration sequence" began.
I have seen ONE other film in IMAX: the re-release of The Exorcist whenever that was...I was in college I think...and, after seeing these three movies in IMAX, I will never see anything in IMAX again.
It was loud to the point of parody. Each footstep was a gunshot, each gunshot was an apocalypse and each explosion was instant anal prolapse.
The upside of anal prolapse is that it can only happen once.
Trying to understand Batman's growl-screaming-through-stuffed-sinuses-with-a mouth-full-of-rock-choked-mud and Bane's ball-gag-made-of-live-rabbits-German?-tinged-yawn-thunder was hard enough without all the music and sound effects turned up to "Go Fuck Yourself If You Can't Hear Shit".

Anyway, the trailers came on, the only one of which held any interest for me was the "exclusive" Skyfall extended trailer...which made me wish, for just...one...second that I was about to see that instead...but then...Batman Begins...begans...or did it?
No, it did not.
Now, I've only seen Begins a handful of times, maybe five, maybe less, but something felt...off...a moment later, I knew why: the lackwit in the booth pushing buttons...pushed the wrong button...and The Dark Knight Rises began to play...at 6pm on Thursday.
At first, people seemed upset...but then they kind of got quiet...because we were about to see the new, final Batman movie we'd been waiting for since one second after The Dark Knight ended in 2008 a whole six hours early...which I was totally fine with because I had a VO booked for the next morning at 9:15.
But, right around the time Bane was causing a ruckus in the airplane, it stopped.
The reaction was mixed.

Then, well, they showed Batman Begins and, after a thirty minute break or so, The Dark Knight.
And they were the excellent movies they've always been, except for the are-you-really-sure-this-should-be-this-loud-there's-blood-coming-from-my-nose-mouth-ears-and-dickhead IMAX sound pummeling.
Also, I'll admit, I was getting antsy and tired.
I have NO earthly idea how those freaks did the Avengers marathon (five 2+ hour movies PLUS the two and a half hour Avengers flick) or those Oscar marathons, but after two movies, I was ready to leave.
Then, they ran the trailers again and the movie finally started.

Hm...what to say that hasn't been said already...
Well, it, in no way, topped Dark Knight. Liam Neeson is great and Tom Hardy was great as well, but I could not take my eyes off the screen when Heath Ledger was on it.
I was so convinced that Nolan would have found a way to trump himself, but, he didn't. I mean, the scope was bigger, and the tying in of the first two movies was very well done, but I wanted this to make me forget about Dark Knight...not that I wanted to forget it, I wanted to be made to forget it, dig?
Anne Hathaway did all right, I suppose, but I really have trouble seeing her as this generation's Grace Kelly...could someone maybe point me at something amazing that she's done to earn this auspicious title? I mean, her boob was pretty cool for those ten seconds in Havoc, but Grace Kelly?!
Bane turned out very nicely, although turning up his garbled voice is really not the same thing as having him re-record it. I saw in an interview that Tom Hardy based Bane's voice on a gypsy bare-knuckle boxer named Bartley Gorman, the character's intelligence...and hiss Caribbean background.
No.
No no no, he sounds German.
German is how he sounds.
Except for the times when he sounds like Sean Connery ("Come now, Doctor...thish is not the time for fea-ah...that comsh latah...").
Oh, and when he picked up the microphone at the stadium?
Guys, insult to injury, can we get some fucking subtitles please.
The first time I saw the film (partially because of the goddamn IMAX ear-fucking), I did not catch everything Bane said, but, after seeing it for a second time on Sunday with Jen and Chris, I got everything except for the second to last thing he says to Dagget before whatever horrible thing he does to him off screen because this is PG-13 and we don't want to scare anybody.
"I am here to rumble tummy rugby rhubarb watermelon guggle tup" is what I think he said.

Also, at times, although the movie is one hundred and sixty five minutes long, I felt like stuff was missing...for instance, the way the bomb goes from 23 days to 18 hours to 12 hours to 11 minutes in a matter of, what, ten real time minutes?

And, how did Bruce Wayne get back from the prison to Gotham, how did he into Gotham and how did he know everything that was going on with the bomb while he was away?

My biggest problem with The Dark Knight Rises actually had nothing to do with the cast or crew of DKR...is had to do with that tubby pothead fuck, Kevin Smith.
Back in mid 2011, casting news for Rises came to light.
Now, announcing Tom Hardy as Bane gives away that the villain (or a villain, in any case) will be Bane.
Announcing that Liam Neeson will be in the movie could mean one thing or another (flashback, hallucination, that he is Ra's Al Ghul, the immortal Demon's Head!!!!, whatever).
But.
When Smith and his equally fuckfaced companion announced on their podcast that Marion Cotillard was cast as Miranda Tate...but that she was really playing Talia Al Ghul...well, fuck!
I have no problem with announcing casting news, this is one of the most anticipated movies of all time and casting news and set photo speculation is all part of the enjoyment for some people, but, fucking shit in a teapot CALL SPOILERS!!! I'm looking forward to the film, I don't want to know things that will potentially ruin the plot for me, which is, by the by, exactly what these idiots did.
At first, I tried to forget.
One more time: I tried to forget...which, any neurologist will tell you is physically IMPOSSIBLE.
DON'T THINK ABOUT MY HUGE PENIS.
See?
Doesn't work.
So, once I gave up trying to forget that this woman happens to be the grieving daughter of Batman's first and greatest enemy whose ultimate plan is to destroy him and the city he has sworn to protect...I tried to hope that this would be revealed early on, maybe...in the first three minutes of the film? Like, in a flashback, her and her father are sitting somewhere (maybe on that same patch of ice Ra's and Bruce fought on), and he tells her:

RA'S AL GHUL:  Daughter, my daughter, Talia, for that is your name, Talia Al Ghul, the daughter of Ra's-

TALIA AL GHUL: Yes, father, I get it, I'm your daughter.

RA'S AL GHUL: Yes, of course, sometimes I forget...if anything should ever happen to me...like dying in a train wreck caused by some billionaire who is also a bat man...avenge me by becoming a socialite and then blah blah blah...whatever.

But that didn't happen.
(Also: it's pronounced "raysch", not "razz". It's in the comics, it's in Batman: The Animated Series and, in Batman Beyond, they actually address the fact that it is not pronounced "razz", so I don't know if it was one of the Nolan's or that no one wanted to correct Liam Neeson, but...yeah, "raysch", not "razz". Please continue.)
What happened was, from the moment she first appeared on the screen, I was 100,000% completely aware that she was secretly working against Bruce Wayne AND Batman. So, every time Bruce entrusted her with something important I cringed.
"I want you to take care of my company" (fuck)
"I want to get naked in front of you" (goddamn it!)
"I want you to be in control of my god damn nuclear bomb machine hidden under the fucking city." (fucking WHAT?!)
And, all the while, I'm looking for something in the film that would give her away so I can start enjoying this movie as it should be, but NO (except for that part with the scar on her shoulder...sort of), not until, literally, 97% of the way through the film, when she takes off her mask and goes, "Ah ha! I am not who you thought I was! I am, in reality--"
Yes, yes, do shut up, Marion.
So, because of that, a lot of this film was ruined for me.
I like being surprised (even if this wasn't the biggest surprise in the history of cinema) and these dickless cockhounds ruined it for me OVER HALF A YEAR BEFORE THE FILM CAME OUT.

More gripes: the way Nolan wrapped/set everything up? Bitter fucking sweet.
If he had said, look, I'll make another Batman movie in ten years, I would have been okay with setting Gordon Levitt up as the new Batman, but this is it. They're rebooting the goddamn franchise in something like a year, this world is finished.
That's just cruel.
Yes, it was an amazing ending, but...cruel.
Okay, enough bitching, how about what I liked?
A lot.
I actually got chills when Bane uttered those magic words, "I will break you", and then snapped Batman over his knee.
Amazing.
The scene where Bane makes his way above ground while a fucking child is singing the National Anthem right before Bane destroys everything...in New York City?! Are you kidding me?! Mr. Nolan...you have pushed alll the right buttons, you horrible bastard.
In. Sane.
Oh, and bringing Scarecrow back as the judge was pretty inspired, although I would have loved to see Zsasz come back...he is one of those characters you really can't soften up for animated shows or even PG-13 movies...he kills people and then cuts himself to keep track.
I mean...fuck, he very well may be the darkest Batman villain out there, and the simplest.
We see him at the beginning of Begins getting released into Crane's custody and then again threatening Katie Holmes and that annoying kid when all hell breaks loose; in fact, if you look closely, you can see, when he turns his head away from the camera, a whole bunch of fresh looking scars on the side and back of his neck.
THAT...is what...I am talking...about.
But, badgers can't be choosers and all that.
Al in all, it was a great wrap up to the trilogy, tying everything together beautifully. Was it as perfectly standalone as Dark Knight, but, honestly, can anyone suggest something that would have topped that without it sounding ridiculous?
If so, I'll direct it.

All right, there it is: my completely disorganized bitchfest pertaining to the Dark Knight trilogy.

Note: After speaking with my friend Will who pointed out a basket full of additional plot holes and reading this article from Kotaku, I must admit, the film is harder to enjoy, but, hey...he's Batman.








*I am going to fuckrant my bowels out soon regarding spoilers, their importance and why they're fucking called spoilers.
**Not not NOT to ever be confused with XMAX.
***I haven't actually seen the movie yet, I'm just seeing how much minutiae I can get you to read before you stop-- oops, there you go...

These Knids...They're So Vermicious

Did you know that "vermicious" means wormy or wormlike from the Latin word "vermis"?
That's awful.

Today was busy pants, with me up at 8:20 in order to get to a re-record session consisting of two sentences that needed more sexy from last Friday's Cardiovascular Institute VO.
It was fast and lucrative.
I'd feel guilty...if I weren't...so...god...damned...GOOD.

Then, thinking I would have time to shower and make pretty, it turned out that DBO and her friend, Nurse Rachel, were done with her NYC doctor stuff early, so they came over and we headed to Tuk Tuk.
Thai food is better in the restaurant, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Ever.
I'm proud to be counted among Brooke's "other" friends. You know, the ones that aren't rescue divers or astronauts or White House Press Officials or good people who help people with their lives.
Well...not really proud...sort of...accepting?
Yes.
Either way, it was an excellent lunch with two excellent people.
After I sent them on their way to Penn Station, I had just enough time to make pretty and get to work.
Where I soon learned that my wonderful plan of anonymous whimsy and niceness had been thwarted by myself and the US goddamn PS.

So.
I sent Jen Rock a thing in the mail* and addressed it to "Janet van Dyne", the Wasp's secret identity since Jen had just been at Comic-Con cosplaying as Wasp.
No problem, right?
Yes problem, wrong!
Turns out that the Government won't let her pick up this package simply because she doesn't have a valid ID with that name on it!
Bullshit, right?!
No.
Not really.
So I'm an asshole.
I called a bunch of helpful people** and they told me that I'm really quite fucked unless Jen can somehow arrange to get the package in some other fashion.
This package that was meant t be a fun, little surprise.
Ugh.
When I try to be nice, things are awful, so now I have Total Justification for being a Raging Toolbox.
Hopefully this thing will sort itself out...because I'm exhausted.

This evening, I plan to read a bunch of Batman comics, then, when I get home, to watch 30 Minutes Or Less.
I enjoyed Zombieland (even though they said "nut up or shut up" exactly one time too many), enjoy Jesse Eisenberg and, since watching Parks and Recreation, can now tolerate Aziz Ansari.
Game on.
All the way on.

And soon I will have some sort of review thing sort of for Dark Knight Rises, although it's mostly going to be me screaming about how Kevin fucking Smith of ALL PEOPLE should know the value/purpose/proper time to warn of a spoiler and how fucking loud the Dark Knight trilogy is in IMAX.***

All right.
Let's get real.







*That will never be worth all the fucking trouble this has become to obtain said thing.
**Not joking, they were all very nice and helpful
***Hint: fucking very.

Prepare To Lose Interest

Before everything awful in the world happened, I was playing through Silent Hill 2 with Jen.
If it's all the same to you, I'm going to skip over the awful stuff and stick with the escapist-survival horror stuff.
Thanks.

A few weeks ago I picked up the Silent Hill HD Collection, which consists of Silent Hill 2 and 3 with HD graphics and cleaned up textures and the like. I did it so I could expose my friend Jen to all its amazing, genre-defining terrors. After slowly, painfully acclimating to the janky, awkward, tank-like controls of the main character, James, we stepped into the fog and things immediately went bad.

The feeling that everything is wrong kicks in pretty much instantly, thanks to the sound design of Akira Yamaoka, the demented genius behind every sound in every Silent Hill game to date except for the recent excretion, Silent Hill: Downpour.

Did I have fun messing with Jen's head?
I would be lying if I said no.

We met and then "fought" Pyramid Head (a moment still as disturbing, frightening and fruitless as it was the first time I encountered it), met that little bitch, Laura, that vomiting, fat fuck, Eddie and that cock hungry slutbag, Maria. Then we abandoned her in Brookhaven Hospital and screamed our asses off as more horrible shit happened. Pyramid Head showed up one last time to cut Maria in half, then we left the hospital, saved and said our goodbyes.

If she ever comes over again, we have the Silent Hill Historical Society, the prison and the hotel to look forward to.
Oh, also the underground labyrinth, did I forget to mention that?
Yeah, that's where Pyramid Head lives.
So I'm expecting that everything will go fine and nothing will try to cleave us.

In other escapist news, I've been watching a lot of shit lately.
After finishing all the funny shows on television, I returned to the 8th season of the X-Files, starring the T-1000 (nothing will ever allow me to see him as anything else) and Scully, as Mulder is still "abducted".
The quality, obviously, has definitely started to decline, although there's been one or two cool episodes thus far. I believe they are about to replace Scully with actress Annabeth Gish, a name I turn to for solace in times of duress. Not the actress, just the name.
At that point...well, I don't know why I'll be watching the show at that point.
Because...I'm a completionist?
Yeah, let's go with that.

I also completed the Silence of the Lambs "trilogy" by watching Hannibal.
I had totally forgotten that Ridley Scott directed that movie.
I had not totally forgotten that Julianne Moore replaced Jodie Foster though.
I had also not forgotten that, while Silence was one of the best thrillers ever made, its sequel was more of an over-the-top action movie which occurred for no real reason.
I was reminded of that whilst watching Hannibal.
At least Gary Oldman was awesome.
And, hey, man-eating pigs, right?
I'm glad they made Red Dragon so as not to leave fans with a sour taste in their mouths.

Next, National Treasure.
Why?
WHY?
Actually, I can answer that quite easily: I have accrued quite the stockpile of visual flotsam (not jetsam, just flotsam) and, while sitting alone, sick and despairing, I saw something that I thought would be a great way to lose two hours.
And it worked.
I can't say the movie had no impact on me whatsoever, because I took a few notes.
Mainly, the thing that struck me was how vanilla everything was. It was as if Disney had rewatched the Indiana Jones movies (the watchable ones) and said, "Whoa, this is...whoa! This is way too intense for people these days! Let's just turn this from a 9 to a 2."
In fact, I picture Cage's character and Tom Hanks' character from the Dan Brown movies sitting and drinking tea, but the tea is too hot so they let it sit there and cool, but then never drink it for fear that it's still too hot for them.
They also quietly murmur to themselves about parchment.
I felt no sympathy or interest or anything for Nicolas Cage at all. Too be fair though, I'm not sure a snuff film in which he were tortured and eaten by savages would get me to do anything other then stifle a yawn. Because THAT is what Cage sounds like! Ah ha! I think I just had a breakthrough! His ever-present drawl makes it sound like he's always yawning, which makes me tired, which makes me not give a shit if he lives or dies or gets tortured and eaten etc. etc. etc!
Well, that was pretty good.
Also, I liked Sean Bean better when he was trying to kill James Bond.
Please stop making National Treasure movies, they are blanding things up horribly.

Then, dumb bastard that I am, I finished the Resident Evil Quadrilogy with Resident Evil: Aftermath.
Ugh, you dumb, fucking bastard!
The first thing I will say is positive; cherish it, because it's the only positive thing I have to say about this potato.
For the first time since the original RE movie, they got someone with skills to do the music, namely, music lab, tomandandy. Whereas the "music" for the second and third movies was just wallpaper trying desperately to mimic the score and mood from the first, this one actually has some substance...unlike the movie itself.
Note to Paul W. S. M. T. S. M. W. T. P. M. S. M.* Anderson: if you have to Slo-Mo something to show how badass it is, it probably isn't that badass to begin with.
The opening is some of the most video game video game movie shit I have ever seen, which is really neither here nor there.
The first piece of business is to kill EVERY ONE OF THE CLONES we saw heading to spacedock the Umbrella HQ under Tokyo, only before Wesker, the big, big, baddy bad guy who is responsible for everything bad EVAR, wipes out said HQ and injects Milla Jovovich with something that takes away ALL her superpowers (super strength, super healing, super jumping, super telekinesis, super pyrokinesis, super hair, etc.). Then there is the biggest plane crash ever...which Milla walks away from...with a tiny limp...that is gone by the next scene.
Having survived yet another horrible thing, she is back on her task of finding "Arcadia", a place with no infection or zombies or anything. It's totally awesome. But, when she finally arrives at the coordinates given for Arcadia, there is nothing there but hundreds of abandoned planes and yeah. Okay, I'm going to ruin this for everyone: Arcadia is a huge aircraft carrier looking thing. It's a massive boat. But, in every one of the radio transmissions announcing its location and that there's no infection and all that, not once do they mention that people should be looking for a fucking boat.
What. Assholes.
So, Milla picks up Clair Redfield (who has amnesia now because...this is something that happens to people) and they fly over Los Angeles, because you have to. They see a building there with some "please help us" signs and so they land their bi-plane...on the top of an L.A. skyscraper.
Then they meet the survivors therein.
Okay, so, you know how in the second movie they had all the horror movie stereotypes? Well, this time around, since they find themselves in Los Angeles...they went with Hollywood stereotypes!!! There's the hot, good hearted chick who came to La La Land in order to make it big, the athlete gone movie star, the scummy agent and his personal assistant...Jesus...
Everything is totally safe where they are (a prison) when, for no apparent reason, the zombies, which, up to this point, have been nothing more than shambling (and, sometimes, speedwalking) corpses, start tunneling under and into said prison. Yes, tunneling. AND, if that weren't inexplicable enough, for, literally, no reason, there shows up a character from the Resident Evil 5 video game, the Axe Man. Now...they maybe could have had some Umbrella guy mention some secret weapon or new mutation or something...but they don't. There's just this guy, walking down an empty street, dragging a huge, fucking axe. Then, he shows up and starts banging on the gates of the prison with said huge, fucking axe. The survivors' reaction to this thing? "Shoot that motherfucker!" which, while not a bad reaction, does fuckall with regards to explaining what it is or where it came from.
WHY IS THERE A HUGE FUCKING GUY DRESSED AS AN EXECUTIONER WANDERING AROUND IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITH AN AXE TWICE AS BIG AS A PERSON?
I would like to think he was just a guy, living in L.A. when all this went down and he just took this opportunity to go totally fucking apeshit. Like, he's just sitting at home, alone in his shitty apartment with his huge, goddamn axe..and then BOOM, Umbrella fucks the world in half and he's like, "You know? Lemons to lemonade, let's break out Ol' Choppy and fuck some shit UP."
Zombie shit, human shit, don't matter. This guy is about the process.
Eventually, this huge fucking utterly mysterious monster thing finds its way (silently) into some room inside the prison and then Milla and Clair beat the shit out of it, finishing it off with a blast of coins fired from a shotgun, producing a deliciously tongue-in-cheek video game trope: the enemy dying then spilling out a bunch of coins.
After escaping the prison (oh, did I mention that Clair's brother and star of a handful of RE games, Chris, was randomly in the prison as well? Well, he was.), the survivors finally make it to the ship, Arcadia...only to find out it's a trap laid by Umbrella in order to catch humans so Wesker (who is totally alive but sharing his body with a hideous mutant variant of the T-virus) can eat their DNA!!!!
Again: so he can eat their DNA.
There is a super big fight and Wesker is totally blown up for sure never to be seen again EVAR...and then things are totally cool.....UNTIL WE SEE A BRAINWASHED JILL VALENTINE LEADING A HUGE SWARM OF HELICOPTERS FILLED WITH UMBRELLA TROOPS TO DESTROY MILLA AND THE REMAINING SURVIVORS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Resident Evil: Retribution hits theaters September 14th, 2012.

God, I'm not even done yet...

I also watched the Bourne trilogy.
Two things: First, Jason Bourne can never, will never replace James Bond and, if he ever does, it is truly time for me to leave this place, and, second, BUY A FUCKING TRIPOD.
What Abrams' fucking lens flares were to Star Trek, Doug Liman's and Paul Greengrass' Parkinson's Cam was to these movies.
FUCKING STOP IT YOU'RE HURTING THE BABY.

After this, Chris and I watched Total Recall. And the less said of that, the better.
I look forward to reading the Dick story the movie was based on and then seeing the new one when it comes out, although I am sad sad sad SAD that Jessica Biel will be in it.
Sad sad sad sad.

In honor of the top of this post, I then decided to watch the Silent Hill movie.
You know, aside from 75% of the dialogue, 60% of the principals' acting and 1000% of the extras' acting...this is a really great adaptation.
Really great.
After the first time I saw it with Phil, we broke the film down into three parts and graded each accordingly:
The beginning of the film up until the moment Rose wakes up in Silent Hill: B
That moment up until Rose and Cybil enter the Church: A-
That moment until the end credits: C-/D+
The major problems for me were the little girl's acting, the atrocious dialogue and every second the extras are on the screen and doing anything.
They took a pretty lazy route with the music and just used tracks from the various games; I'd really have enjoyed some new Yamaoka sickness, but, whatever.
But...the one amazing, faultless aspect of this movie was the sets.
They.
Are.
Perfect.
The detail that went into them is just astonishing and half the experience with any Silent Hill game are the environments, so I was able to forgive a lot with this movie.
Can't wait for the sequel, even though I am a bit trepidacious.
We'll see if my fears are justified...on October 26th.

Then, I treated myself to some good movies, namely the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead and then, the next evening, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

The simplicity of Night is perfect. Until the zombies burst in and overrun the house at the end, you only see about twenty the whole time! And that is all you need. The only downside to something this basic is that it's almost too basic, too...beginner, that it can't possibly be recaptured without feeling intentional and like going by the numbers.
And the casting is also pretty perfect. I hated that cockring Cooper from the first second he stomps on screen. The best thing about his character is that, while one could argue he is a very one-dimensional character, his flatness is completely justified: he's protecting his family, doing what he thinks is the only thing to keep them safe. And, the hilarious thing is, in the end, he was right. If he had gotten everybody into the basement (and managed to kill his own zombie daughter) everyone would have it made it out alive the next morning when every redneck in the Universe showed up to kill some dead ass...FUR AMURKAH!!!!
Seriously, every one of those hundreds of characters you see at the end of the movie could be named Cooter and/or Skeet.
Although I think this might be the perfect zombie film, I do have a handful of problems or, at least, questions.
First and foremost, why didn't they hit the attic the second they arrived? These days, that oversight would be inexcusable.
Can zombies use stairs? It's been debated...but can they pull on a string, lower a retractable ladder and then use them?
Fuck. No.
At least not any zombies that I know.
And I know four.
Next, what the hell was up with Tony Todd's kung fu/judo wrestling with the zombies after he's stranded at the gas pump? It was both hilarious and puzzling.
Also hilarious is the look on Barbara's face when the sweet, innocent redneck boy uses a shotgun to shoot the lock of the gasoline pump.** At that instant, every stereotypical thing she's ever heard about rednecks becomes painfully true.
What is less hilarious is just how quickly everything falls apart, (hopefully) reminding viewers that no matter how safe you think you are, there is always something that can go horribly, fatally wrong, and, usually it involves the living, not the dead.
Oh, and Patricia Tallman (Barbara) could be Julianne Moore's cousin.

Next up, Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead.
I'm going to be honest: I don't remember liking Romero's original Dawn. As I recall, it suffered greatly from a fatal case of the Contemporaries.
*shudder*
The 70's...
But, this remake (which the guys who made it don't actually call a remake) is fantastic.
People behave very believably and make a lot of the same decisions that I feel I'd make in a similar situation.
Although I would play a lot more video games and most likely cry and masturbate quite a bit as well.
No homo.
There was very little of me screaming at the screen for a character not to do this or to rather do that instead, and that, to me, is at the heart of what makes a good movie good.
In fact, I only have one problem with the entire movie...and that is the legless zombie that ambushes the group in the parking garage...by shimmying, hand over hand on a pipe before dropping onto its unsuspecting prey.
Are. You  Kidding.
Also, at one point, they are using a dog to shuttle supplies to some dude by lowering it into a MASSIVE (thousands of them) crowd of zombies and, while it's being lowered, someone says, with expert knowledge in their voice, "They're not interested in the dog."
One: you aren't a zombie, so don't assume you know what they do/don't want. By your flawed logic, zombies might love deviled eggs...I mean...we've never seen them turn them down...right?
Idiot.
Two: Why the hell wouldn't a zombie want a dog?
Zombies eat living things.
Here's a quick quiz in order to help you remember what a zombie will/won't eat:
Is the thing in question living?
Yes - the zombie wants to eat it***
No - You're set.
Other than that? Well, it was just delightful watching the world end for these poor fuckers.
Also, major kudos to Mekhi Phifer and Zack Snyder for not playing him like a thug/directing him to play a thug.
You made a good choice.
There have been murmurings of a Snyder sequel to Dawn coming out in 2013 entitled Army of the Dead.
If it happens, I will be there.
Now, as I near the end of this colossal media and sadness fueled ramble, I have one final remark regarding zombies and their father in contemporary films:
One thing we can all agree upon is that when George A. Romero dies...he must be immediately decapitated and burned...by Max Brooks.

And, finally, turning away from media and towards my own potentially horrible news and its synchronistic connection to my career: just after talking to my father about his carotid arteries; the left, which is completely occluded and the right, which is 50% occluded, I booked a very well-paying VO gig for...yeah...the Cardiovascular Institute at the Rhode Island Hospital.
Friday I record and Tuesday he has a PET scan.

Yeah...
Yeah.







*Why Stop Making These Shitty Movies When They Pay Me So Much?

** Which, obviously, caused a massive explosion, killing the rednecks and destroying their chance at getting out of there by car, in case you've never seen this/are retarded.

***And for the last fucking time, YES, zombies eat plants...if they grow fast enough to resemble people or animals. Now, does this mean a zombie won't eat a slow person or slow animal? Well, I suppose we'll just have to find out. FETCH ME A ZOMBOTOLOGIST!!!