Prepare To Lose Interest

Before everything awful in the world happened, I was playing through Silent Hill 2 with Jen.
If it's all the same to you, I'm going to skip over the awful stuff and stick with the escapist-survival horror stuff.
Thanks.

A few weeks ago I picked up the Silent Hill HD Collection, which consists of Silent Hill 2 and 3 with HD graphics and cleaned up textures and the like. I did it so I could expose my friend Jen to all its amazing, genre-defining terrors. After slowly, painfully acclimating to the janky, awkward, tank-like controls of the main character, James, we stepped into the fog and things immediately went bad.

The feeling that everything is wrong kicks in pretty much instantly, thanks to the sound design of Akira Yamaoka, the demented genius behind every sound in every Silent Hill game to date except for the recent excretion, Silent Hill: Downpour.

Did I have fun messing with Jen's head?
I would be lying if I said no.

We met and then "fought" Pyramid Head (a moment still as disturbing, frightening and fruitless as it was the first time I encountered it), met that little bitch, Laura, that vomiting, fat fuck, Eddie and that cock hungry slutbag, Maria. Then we abandoned her in Brookhaven Hospital and screamed our asses off as more horrible shit happened. Pyramid Head showed up one last time to cut Maria in half, then we left the hospital, saved and said our goodbyes.

If she ever comes over again, we have the Silent Hill Historical Society, the prison and the hotel to look forward to.
Oh, also the underground labyrinth, did I forget to mention that?
Yeah, that's where Pyramid Head lives.
So I'm expecting that everything will go fine and nothing will try to cleave us.

In other escapist news, I've been watching a lot of shit lately.
After finishing all the funny shows on television, I returned to the 8th season of the X-Files, starring the T-1000 (nothing will ever allow me to see him as anything else) and Scully, as Mulder is still "abducted".
The quality, obviously, has definitely started to decline, although there's been one or two cool episodes thus far. I believe they are about to replace Scully with actress Annabeth Gish, a name I turn to for solace in times of duress. Not the actress, just the name.
At that point...well, I don't know why I'll be watching the show at that point.
Because...I'm a completionist?
Yeah, let's go with that.

I also completed the Silence of the Lambs "trilogy" by watching Hannibal.
I had totally forgotten that Ridley Scott directed that movie.
I had not totally forgotten that Julianne Moore replaced Jodie Foster though.
I had also not forgotten that, while Silence was one of the best thrillers ever made, its sequel was more of an over-the-top action movie which occurred for no real reason.
I was reminded of that whilst watching Hannibal.
At least Gary Oldman was awesome.
And, hey, man-eating pigs, right?
I'm glad they made Red Dragon so as not to leave fans with a sour taste in their mouths.

Next, National Treasure.
Why?
WHY?
Actually, I can answer that quite easily: I have accrued quite the stockpile of visual flotsam (not jetsam, just flotsam) and, while sitting alone, sick and despairing, I saw something that I thought would be a great way to lose two hours.
And it worked.
I can't say the movie had no impact on me whatsoever, because I took a few notes.
Mainly, the thing that struck me was how vanilla everything was. It was as if Disney had rewatched the Indiana Jones movies (the watchable ones) and said, "Whoa, this is...whoa! This is way too intense for people these days! Let's just turn this from a 9 to a 2."
In fact, I picture Cage's character and Tom Hanks' character from the Dan Brown movies sitting and drinking tea, but the tea is too hot so they let it sit there and cool, but then never drink it for fear that it's still too hot for them.
They also quietly murmur to themselves about parchment.
I felt no sympathy or interest or anything for Nicolas Cage at all. Too be fair though, I'm not sure a snuff film in which he were tortured and eaten by savages would get me to do anything other then stifle a yawn. Because THAT is what Cage sounds like! Ah ha! I think I just had a breakthrough! His ever-present drawl makes it sound like he's always yawning, which makes me tired, which makes me not give a shit if he lives or dies or gets tortured and eaten etc. etc. etc!
Well, that was pretty good.
Also, I liked Sean Bean better when he was trying to kill James Bond.
Please stop making National Treasure movies, they are blanding things up horribly.

Then, dumb bastard that I am, I finished the Resident Evil Quadrilogy with Resident Evil: Aftermath.
Ugh, you dumb, fucking bastard!
The first thing I will say is positive; cherish it, because it's the only positive thing I have to say about this potato.
For the first time since the original RE movie, they got someone with skills to do the music, namely, music lab, tomandandy. Whereas the "music" for the second and third movies was just wallpaper trying desperately to mimic the score and mood from the first, this one actually has some substance...unlike the movie itself.
Note to Paul W. S. M. T. S. M. W. T. P. M. S. M.* Anderson: if you have to Slo-Mo something to show how badass it is, it probably isn't that badass to begin with.
The opening is some of the most video game video game movie shit I have ever seen, which is really neither here nor there.
The first piece of business is to kill EVERY ONE OF THE CLONES we saw heading to spacedock the Umbrella HQ under Tokyo, only before Wesker, the big, big, baddy bad guy who is responsible for everything bad EVAR, wipes out said HQ and injects Milla Jovovich with something that takes away ALL her superpowers (super strength, super healing, super jumping, super telekinesis, super pyrokinesis, super hair, etc.). Then there is the biggest plane crash ever...which Milla walks away from...with a tiny limp...that is gone by the next scene.
Having survived yet another horrible thing, she is back on her task of finding "Arcadia", a place with no infection or zombies or anything. It's totally awesome. But, when she finally arrives at the coordinates given for Arcadia, there is nothing there but hundreds of abandoned planes and yeah. Okay, I'm going to ruin this for everyone: Arcadia is a huge aircraft carrier looking thing. It's a massive boat. But, in every one of the radio transmissions announcing its location and that there's no infection and all that, not once do they mention that people should be looking for a fucking boat.
What. Assholes.
So, Milla picks up Clair Redfield (who has amnesia now because...this is something that happens to people) and they fly over Los Angeles, because you have to. They see a building there with some "please help us" signs and so they land their bi-plane...on the top of an L.A. skyscraper.
Then they meet the survivors therein.
Okay, so, you know how in the second movie they had all the horror movie stereotypes? Well, this time around, since they find themselves in Los Angeles...they went with Hollywood stereotypes!!! There's the hot, good hearted chick who came to La La Land in order to make it big, the athlete gone movie star, the scummy agent and his personal assistant...Jesus...
Everything is totally safe where they are (a prison) when, for no apparent reason, the zombies, which, up to this point, have been nothing more than shambling (and, sometimes, speedwalking) corpses, start tunneling under and into said prison. Yes, tunneling. AND, if that weren't inexplicable enough, for, literally, no reason, there shows up a character from the Resident Evil 5 video game, the Axe Man. Now...they maybe could have had some Umbrella guy mention some secret weapon or new mutation or something...but they don't. There's just this guy, walking down an empty street, dragging a huge, fucking axe. Then, he shows up and starts banging on the gates of the prison with said huge, fucking axe. The survivors' reaction to this thing? "Shoot that motherfucker!" which, while not a bad reaction, does fuckall with regards to explaining what it is or where it came from.
WHY IS THERE A HUGE FUCKING GUY DRESSED AS AN EXECUTIONER WANDERING AROUND IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITH AN AXE TWICE AS BIG AS A PERSON?
I would like to think he was just a guy, living in L.A. when all this went down and he just took this opportunity to go totally fucking apeshit. Like, he's just sitting at home, alone in his shitty apartment with his huge, goddamn axe..and then BOOM, Umbrella fucks the world in half and he's like, "You know? Lemons to lemonade, let's break out Ol' Choppy and fuck some shit UP."
Zombie shit, human shit, don't matter. This guy is about the process.
Eventually, this huge fucking utterly mysterious monster thing finds its way (silently) into some room inside the prison and then Milla and Clair beat the shit out of it, finishing it off with a blast of coins fired from a shotgun, producing a deliciously tongue-in-cheek video game trope: the enemy dying then spilling out a bunch of coins.
After escaping the prison (oh, did I mention that Clair's brother and star of a handful of RE games, Chris, was randomly in the prison as well? Well, he was.), the survivors finally make it to the ship, Arcadia...only to find out it's a trap laid by Umbrella in order to catch humans so Wesker (who is totally alive but sharing his body with a hideous mutant variant of the T-virus) can eat their DNA!!!!
Again: so he can eat their DNA.
There is a super big fight and Wesker is totally blown up for sure never to be seen again EVAR...and then things are totally cool.....UNTIL WE SEE A BRAINWASHED JILL VALENTINE LEADING A HUGE SWARM OF HELICOPTERS FILLED WITH UMBRELLA TROOPS TO DESTROY MILLA AND THE REMAINING SURVIVORS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Resident Evil: Retribution hits theaters September 14th, 2012.

God, I'm not even done yet...

I also watched the Bourne trilogy.
Two things: First, Jason Bourne can never, will never replace James Bond and, if he ever does, it is truly time for me to leave this place, and, second, BUY A FUCKING TRIPOD.
What Abrams' fucking lens flares were to Star Trek, Doug Liman's and Paul Greengrass' Parkinson's Cam was to these movies.
FUCKING STOP IT YOU'RE HURTING THE BABY.

After this, Chris and I watched Total Recall. And the less said of that, the better.
I look forward to reading the Dick story the movie was based on and then seeing the new one when it comes out, although I am sad sad sad SAD that Jessica Biel will be in it.
Sad sad sad sad.

In honor of the top of this post, I then decided to watch the Silent Hill movie.
You know, aside from 75% of the dialogue, 60% of the principals' acting and 1000% of the extras' acting...this is a really great adaptation.
Really great.
After the first time I saw it with Phil, we broke the film down into three parts and graded each accordingly:
The beginning of the film up until the moment Rose wakes up in Silent Hill: B
That moment up until Rose and Cybil enter the Church: A-
That moment until the end credits: C-/D+
The major problems for me were the little girl's acting, the atrocious dialogue and every second the extras are on the screen and doing anything.
They took a pretty lazy route with the music and just used tracks from the various games; I'd really have enjoyed some new Yamaoka sickness, but, whatever.
But...the one amazing, faultless aspect of this movie was the sets.
They.
Are.
Perfect.
The detail that went into them is just astonishing and half the experience with any Silent Hill game are the environments, so I was able to forgive a lot with this movie.
Can't wait for the sequel, even though I am a bit trepidacious.
We'll see if my fears are justified...on October 26th.

Then, I treated myself to some good movies, namely the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead and then, the next evening, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

The simplicity of Night is perfect. Until the zombies burst in and overrun the house at the end, you only see about twenty the whole time! And that is all you need. The only downside to something this basic is that it's almost too basic, too...beginner, that it can't possibly be recaptured without feeling intentional and like going by the numbers.
And the casting is also pretty perfect. I hated that cockring Cooper from the first second he stomps on screen. The best thing about his character is that, while one could argue he is a very one-dimensional character, his flatness is completely justified: he's protecting his family, doing what he thinks is the only thing to keep them safe. And, the hilarious thing is, in the end, he was right. If he had gotten everybody into the basement (and managed to kill his own zombie daughter) everyone would have it made it out alive the next morning when every redneck in the Universe showed up to kill some dead ass...FUR AMURKAH!!!!
Seriously, every one of those hundreds of characters you see at the end of the movie could be named Cooter and/or Skeet.
Although I think this might be the perfect zombie film, I do have a handful of problems or, at least, questions.
First and foremost, why didn't they hit the attic the second they arrived? These days, that oversight would be inexcusable.
Can zombies use stairs? It's been debated...but can they pull on a string, lower a retractable ladder and then use them?
Fuck. No.
At least not any zombies that I know.
And I know four.
Next, what the hell was up with Tony Todd's kung fu/judo wrestling with the zombies after he's stranded at the gas pump? It was both hilarious and puzzling.
Also hilarious is the look on Barbara's face when the sweet, innocent redneck boy uses a shotgun to shoot the lock of the gasoline pump.** At that instant, every stereotypical thing she's ever heard about rednecks becomes painfully true.
What is less hilarious is just how quickly everything falls apart, (hopefully) reminding viewers that no matter how safe you think you are, there is always something that can go horribly, fatally wrong, and, usually it involves the living, not the dead.
Oh, and Patricia Tallman (Barbara) could be Julianne Moore's cousin.

Next up, Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead.
I'm going to be honest: I don't remember liking Romero's original Dawn. As I recall, it suffered greatly from a fatal case of the Contemporaries.
*shudder*
The 70's...
But, this remake (which the guys who made it don't actually call a remake) is fantastic.
People behave very believably and make a lot of the same decisions that I feel I'd make in a similar situation.
Although I would play a lot more video games and most likely cry and masturbate quite a bit as well.
No homo.
There was very little of me screaming at the screen for a character not to do this or to rather do that instead, and that, to me, is at the heart of what makes a good movie good.
In fact, I only have one problem with the entire movie...and that is the legless zombie that ambushes the group in the parking garage...by shimmying, hand over hand on a pipe before dropping onto its unsuspecting prey.
Are. You  Kidding.
Also, at one point, they are using a dog to shuttle supplies to some dude by lowering it into a MASSIVE (thousands of them) crowd of zombies and, while it's being lowered, someone says, with expert knowledge in their voice, "They're not interested in the dog."
One: you aren't a zombie, so don't assume you know what they do/don't want. By your flawed logic, zombies might love deviled eggs...I mean...we've never seen them turn them down...right?
Idiot.
Two: Why the hell wouldn't a zombie want a dog?
Zombies eat living things.
Here's a quick quiz in order to help you remember what a zombie will/won't eat:
Is the thing in question living?
Yes - the zombie wants to eat it***
No - You're set.
Other than that? Well, it was just delightful watching the world end for these poor fuckers.
Also, major kudos to Mekhi Phifer and Zack Snyder for not playing him like a thug/directing him to play a thug.
You made a good choice.
There have been murmurings of a Snyder sequel to Dawn coming out in 2013 entitled Army of the Dead.
If it happens, I will be there.
Now, as I near the end of this colossal media and sadness fueled ramble, I have one final remark regarding zombies and their father in contemporary films:
One thing we can all agree upon is that when George A. Romero dies...he must be immediately decapitated and burned...by Max Brooks.

And, finally, turning away from media and towards my own potentially horrible news and its synchronistic connection to my career: just after talking to my father about his carotid arteries; the left, which is completely occluded and the right, which is 50% occluded, I booked a very well-paying VO gig for...yeah...the Cardiovascular Institute at the Rhode Island Hospital.
Friday I record and Tuesday he has a PET scan.

Yeah...
Yeah.







*Why Stop Making These Shitty Movies When They Pay Me So Much?

** Which, obviously, caused a massive explosion, killing the rednecks and destroying their chance at getting out of there by car, in case you've never seen this/are retarded.

***And for the last fucking time, YES, zombies eat plants...if they grow fast enough to resemble people or animals. Now, does this mean a zombie won't eat a slow person or slow animal? Well, I suppose we'll just have to find out. FETCH ME A ZOMBOTOLOGIST!!!