1.26.06
4:12 PM
A pall has been cast over any and all happiness that I would normally feel this week. Also, I have become paranoid that the recent utter silence from the Downstairs Cunts is somehow tied into this.
My mind is working against itself.
Mark Scharfman has ruined my Birthday.
That motherfucker.
If this doesn’t stop soon, I will develop ulcers.
Tomorrow, I plan to wake up at 8 or so to be one of the “first served” by the pro se attorney’s office at the Housing Department.
I hope for good news, but I fear the worst. I always fear the worst…on top, but underneath everything, underneath me telling myself “expect the worst expect the worst expect the worst expect the worst”, the very bottom of me, my heart of hearts, is thinking “but it won’t be the worst, it just won’t.” Fucking brain. I’m a god damned optimist. Fuck.
I just want to stay where I am until I am ready to move on. I don’t want this outside influence in the form of a greasy slumlord.
This occurrence has darkened my world.
I want vengeance.
I promise myself (and everyone I know in this city) that if I am forced to leave…I will make Mark Scharfman a sad, sad man. I will also include the Downstairs Cunts and their ugly baby in that sadness. The moment a lawyer tells me that neither my credit, nor my father’s (my guarantor) will be affected by simply giving Scharfman the finger, I will rain down the Most Righteous Wrath of the Paulitoshpere on this apartment. You think repainting Chris’ bedroom is going to be a pain? How about as many coats of black latex paint that I can afford sloshed all over the place? The thing is Scharfman only cares about the money, so why would he allow me to stay jeer for less than he could get with new tenants? He wouldn’t; he doesn’t think that way. So I have to hit him where he’ll notice: his bankroll. If the dick is inflexible about the rent increase, then we will destroy his apartment. Any of you wondered just how thin my floors are? One way to find out. Anyone wondered what a refrigerator falling four stories into an alley sounds like? I have. You ever been curious what would happen if someone overflowed the toilet, bathtub AND sink? I have. I swear to everything that matters: if I am forced to leave this place against my will, Mark Scharfman will remember me as a financial loss. A taller-than-is-allowed financial loss.
Bring it the fuck on, you slimy villain. Understand what happens when I have nothing to lose and no strings attached.
I just found these:
http://citylimits.org/content/articles/weeklyView.cfm?articlenumber=108
http://nypress.com/17/6/news&columns/property.cfm
1.26.2006
1.23.2006
Paparazzi's Panda Palace
I needed to post a comment on Ray's film blog (the blog for the film we are working on, not a film blog belonging to Ray) so I had to sign up for a blog. I now have a blog and nothing to do with it. Any suggestions? If nothing tickles my pickle, I might just do nothing...
1.18.2006
1.18.06
3:12 PM
Events of today have (mostly) made up for the emotional and spiritual fecal storm of late. Had an excellent recording session this morning. They had lox at this place. It was also just so well designed. The entire team was very casual and fun to work with. I found out what exactly this was…
Capitol Lighting is a lighting store with four locations in Florida and one in New Jersey. This was a TV commercial and I did all the VO for it. It’s actually a pretty funny commercial and not nearly as boring and terrible as I thought it would be.
The beginning shows a bunch of people doing regular things with lampshades on their heads. Some of these things include playing catch (mildly amusing) and charades (very funny). Anyway, these people are bumbling around like me in a dimly lit room to the perfect music and then my VO comes in. The direction was deadpan, devoid of energy and just not giving a shit. It was hilarious. Sort of Steven Wright-ish.
Anyway, the whole thing was superfun and my voice was in top form. Not only did I have a voice today…but I also knew just what to do with it.
Also: the final version of my dry-and-white-bread-as-a-cracker Evergreen Financial thing is up on the production company’s external site. Watch it and try and pick out the sentences that don’t make sense to me.
Party is looming.
Happy is good.
Fuck Mark Scharfman.
3:12 PM
Events of today have (mostly) made up for the emotional and spiritual fecal storm of late. Had an excellent recording session this morning. They had lox at this place. It was also just so well designed. The entire team was very casual and fun to work with. I found out what exactly this was…
Capitol Lighting is a lighting store with four locations in Florida and one in New Jersey. This was a TV commercial and I did all the VO for it. It’s actually a pretty funny commercial and not nearly as boring and terrible as I thought it would be.
The beginning shows a bunch of people doing regular things with lampshades on their heads. Some of these things include playing catch (mildly amusing) and charades (very funny). Anyway, these people are bumbling around like me in a dimly lit room to the perfect music and then my VO comes in. The direction was deadpan, devoid of energy and just not giving a shit. It was hilarious. Sort of Steven Wright-ish.
Anyway, the whole thing was superfun and my voice was in top form. Not only did I have a voice today…but I also knew just what to do with it.
Also: the final version of my dry-and-white-bread-as-a-cracker Evergreen Financial thing is up on the production company’s external site. Watch it and try and pick out the sentences that don’t make sense to me.
Party is looming.
Happy is good.
Fuck Mark Scharfman.
1.12.2006
Ya viene ayuda en camino
1.11.06
9:10 PM
I just learned to say “help is on the way” in Spanish for all the Spanish residents who do nothing but scream in Spanish. It’s my way of adjusting and adapting to the culture in which I am immersed every day.
I also bought fifteen dollars worth of Lindt chocolate. It was the best Duane-Reade had to offer and enough to satiate my unexpected craving. If I start bleeding from my genitals…man, I don’t know.
I bought three packages of the Lindor Truffles (white chocolate in white chocolate), two bars of milk chocolate squares filled with milk chocolate and two bars of pure white chocolate. Hm. I have an erection.
Anyway, I hope they last more than a few hours considering that one pack of three truffles is 69% of my daily allowance of saturated fat. On the upside it’s 0% of my iron, so I don’t have to worry about iron poisoning…at all since I don’t think that exists.
I was reflecting the other day about that lazy ass afternoon Phil, Gia, Kaitlyn and I spent playing cards at my apartment a while back. Man, was that the stuff dreams are made of.
Now Phil and Kaitlyn are on some other continent and there aren’t two other people that are willing to waste their time playing cards on my floor. Sigh.
I have to stay an extra hour tonight because my usual relief has called in sick. At least my sneaky, manipulative supervisor is the one who will have to take one for the team if she can’t find a replacement. Justice is sweet…like…chocolate…white chocolate Lindor Truffles…
I have to poop.
11:11 PM
BOOYAHKAH! Turns out, I am doing the whole damn night shift. I am very excited for some reason. Is it because I haven’t been paid to watch movies in such a long time? Is it because I enjoy the feeling of being the “Night Operator” once again? Or might it be the half pound of chocolate I have tearing through my system at this moment? Fuck my scumhole I believe it’s all fucking three!!!!! HOOTY HOOOOO!!!!!!
I have brought with me:
The Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python’s Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Family Guy Volume Three (commentary time!)
12 Monkeys
They Might Be Giants – Venue Songs (DVD)
National Lampoon’s Holiday Reunion (starring Judge Reinhold)
I also have Gorillaz’ Demon Days, Weezer’s Make Believe, V.A.S.T.’s self titled abortion and Royskopp’s A.M. Melodies on an mp3 disc in case my eyes get tired.
It’s all about options, people.
I also have white AND colored chocolate, Brita-filtered AND official Poland Springs water, Lemon-Mint AND Original Ricola aaaaaand….a Red Bull. One, single, solitary Red Bull. In case things get…difficult and I become curious whether or not Red Bull has any lasting side effects.
And as of three seconds ago, I have a VERY strong cup of Jamaican coffee chasing the chocolate within me. ZHIGAH BOOOOOM!!! I think I am going to play some solitaire first and then get Divvy wit it.
I’ll keep you updated in case I drop any jewels at the wee hours.
Ciiiiiiao.
1.12.06
3:08 AM
Played solitaire for a while. Just put on “National Lampoon’s Holiday Reunion”. High points so far include Judge Reinhold and co-star Bryan Craston (Hal from Malcolm in the Middle) washing each other in the shower. Very predictable and made for TV. Whatever. Judge Reinhold and the dad from Malcolm in the Middle as a hippie is enough for me. Also the chocolate helps.
P.S. There are also these two hot, untalented actresses. That’s good too.
4:31 AM
Wow. There was nothing right about that movie. The music, the transitions, the acting, wow. Even Judge Reinhold looked weird. Swollen and wrinkled. Bryan Cranston was depressing. There was one funny line in this movie and I’ve already forgotten it.
National Lampoon stopped being funny after Christmas Vacation. I hung my head…I hung my head.
9:10 PM
I just learned to say “help is on the way” in Spanish for all the Spanish residents who do nothing but scream in Spanish. It’s my way of adjusting and adapting to the culture in which I am immersed every day.
I also bought fifteen dollars worth of Lindt chocolate. It was the best Duane-Reade had to offer and enough to satiate my unexpected craving. If I start bleeding from my genitals…man, I don’t know.
I bought three packages of the Lindor Truffles (white chocolate in white chocolate), two bars of milk chocolate squares filled with milk chocolate and two bars of pure white chocolate. Hm. I have an erection.
Anyway, I hope they last more than a few hours considering that one pack of three truffles is 69% of my daily allowance of saturated fat. On the upside it’s 0% of my iron, so I don’t have to worry about iron poisoning…at all since I don’t think that exists.
I was reflecting the other day about that lazy ass afternoon Phil, Gia, Kaitlyn and I spent playing cards at my apartment a while back. Man, was that the stuff dreams are made of.
Now Phil and Kaitlyn are on some other continent and there aren’t two other people that are willing to waste their time playing cards on my floor. Sigh.
I have to stay an extra hour tonight because my usual relief has called in sick. At least my sneaky, manipulative supervisor is the one who will have to take one for the team if she can’t find a replacement. Justice is sweet…like…chocolate…white chocolate Lindor Truffles…
I have to poop.
11:11 PM
BOOYAHKAH! Turns out, I am doing the whole damn night shift. I am very excited for some reason. Is it because I haven’t been paid to watch movies in such a long time? Is it because I enjoy the feeling of being the “Night Operator” once again? Or might it be the half pound of chocolate I have tearing through my system at this moment? Fuck my scumhole I believe it’s all fucking three!!!!! HOOTY HOOOOO!!!!!!
I have brought with me:
The Shawshank Redemption
Monty Python’s Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Family Guy Volume Three (commentary time!)
12 Monkeys
They Might Be Giants – Venue Songs (DVD)
National Lampoon’s Holiday Reunion (starring Judge Reinhold)
I also have Gorillaz’ Demon Days, Weezer’s Make Believe, V.A.S.T.’s self titled abortion and Royskopp’s A.M. Melodies on an mp3 disc in case my eyes get tired.
It’s all about options, people.
I also have white AND colored chocolate, Brita-filtered AND official Poland Springs water, Lemon-Mint AND Original Ricola aaaaaand….a Red Bull. One, single, solitary Red Bull. In case things get…difficult and I become curious whether or not Red Bull has any lasting side effects.
And as of three seconds ago, I have a VERY strong cup of Jamaican coffee chasing the chocolate within me. ZHIGAH BOOOOOM!!! I think I am going to play some solitaire first and then get Divvy wit it.
I’ll keep you updated in case I drop any jewels at the wee hours.
Ciiiiiiao.
1.12.06
3:08 AM
Played solitaire for a while. Just put on “National Lampoon’s Holiday Reunion”. High points so far include Judge Reinhold and co-star Bryan Craston (Hal from Malcolm in the Middle) washing each other in the shower. Very predictable and made for TV. Whatever. Judge Reinhold and the dad from Malcolm in the Middle as a hippie is enough for me. Also the chocolate helps.
P.S. There are also these two hot, untalented actresses. That’s good too.
4:31 AM
Wow. There was nothing right about that movie. The music, the transitions, the acting, wow. Even Judge Reinhold looked weird. Swollen and wrinkled. Bryan Cranston was depressing. There was one funny line in this movie and I’ve already forgotten it.
National Lampoon stopped being funny after Christmas Vacation. I hung my head…I hung my head.
1.11.2006
1.11.06
4:28 PM
Feel tired today. Channeling Phil: need chocolate, but good chocolate.
Had good rehearsal with Ray and Michael. This going to be a lot of fun. Here is a link to the film's blog http://rzthesis.blogspot.com and here is Ray's site: http://www.rayzablocki.com/ You can see me in Ray’s “Dova”. Not the best work since the woman in it will make you hate all actors for the rest of your life, but good because she makes me look even better. She’s really bad though.
Listened to Demon Days again. Gets into your brain. Stays there and eats some of your brain then poops rhythms into it.
Before I left for rehearsal this morning I decided that I DO need an iPod. I was sitting on my bed, sifting through the 226 odd CD’s in my CD holder (mp3 CD’s included) and finding I didn’t want to hear any of them…I wanted to hear them ALL. I think the 60GB one would be perfect. I have about 30GB of music on my PC now and it has about 1 GB free at this moment. I’ll need space soon because the new season of “The Shield” just started last night. If I get the 60GB, I will not only be able to clean A LOT of shit off my PC, but I will still have 20GB of room to grow.
I think a black one with the simple inscription:
bizagitronicon
xmax
would be perfect. The image looks excellent in my mind’s eye, but then again, there is a lot of scar tissue on my mind’s macula and that might makes things look better or worse depending.
In other news, I am almost over my sicky, so kisses for everyone except Gia and Christina Nongirlfriend since because we hung out while I was sick you are probably both sick. Sorry. Sorry for both the “no kisses” and the “getting you sick” thing.
Also, if you read this and have not RSVPed to my pizzartitronicon xmax, get on that. I need specific numbers in order to have the right abundance of foody and drinky poos. If you don’t RSVP by the 14th…you are politely invited to go fuck yourself. With metal spoons.
Finally, I have been contacted by Elizabeth Margid of Fordham University’s directing program and invited to take part in the Directing III final project again this year. I would be in one or more of the students’ scenes from Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard. Should I or shouldn’t I? Does it matter? Hmmm…
4:50 PM
Huh. I have just been informed that it is raining…pretty hard too. Will this stop me from chocolate? Is it too cold for chocolate? Nay, I may be channeling Philip, but it is never too cold for chocolate. Or sex. Never too cold for sex and/or chocolate. And that is where we differ.
God damn I am going to eat this chocolate like a motherfucker that eats chocolate.
4:28 PM
Feel tired today. Channeling Phil: need chocolate, but good chocolate.
Had good rehearsal with Ray and Michael. This going to be a lot of fun. Here is a link to the film's blog http://rzthesis.blogspot.com and here is Ray's site: http://www.rayzablocki.com/ You can see me in Ray’s “Dova”. Not the best work since the woman in it will make you hate all actors for the rest of your life, but good because she makes me look even better. She’s really bad though.
Listened to Demon Days again. Gets into your brain. Stays there and eats some of your brain then poops rhythms into it.
Before I left for rehearsal this morning I decided that I DO need an iPod. I was sitting on my bed, sifting through the 226 odd CD’s in my CD holder (mp3 CD’s included) and finding I didn’t want to hear any of them…I wanted to hear them ALL. I think the 60GB one would be perfect. I have about 30GB of music on my PC now and it has about 1 GB free at this moment. I’ll need space soon because the new season of “The Shield” just started last night. If I get the 60GB, I will not only be able to clean A LOT of shit off my PC, but I will still have 20GB of room to grow.
I think a black one with the simple inscription:
bizagitronicon
xmax
4:50 PM
1.10.2006
1.10.06
3:03 PM
The new Gorillaz album Demon Days came out a while ago and, quite honestly, I was not impressed. It had maybe two or three songs I dug and the rest? Repetitive, uninspired stuff. Or so I thought…
Over time I have been enjoying more and more tracks. At first it was just Dirty Harry and Feel Good Inc. (the singles) and O Green World. Then I added Kids With Guns (excellent, excellent song). Soon after, I heard there was another video for another song of the album and I checked that out. The video was okay, but I didn’t remember the song being that good. I went back and checked it out again and then added that one (Dare) to the list. After that, I just started playing the album and about 85% of it is awesome. Much better than the first album. I was surprised at how many levels this one has. So many different sounds and textures. The rappers are a bit lacking but then again we can’t all be Method Man or ODB can we? Whatever the case; check out the album but remember to give it a few listens before you say, “Man, that Paul sure has bad taste in music. I don’t know why I ever listen to him. In fact, based on this bad advice he gave, I will stop listening to him altogether…about everything. Why would I ever listen to him again after a terrible mistake such as this? Jesus fucking Christ what a faggot douchebag asshole! I can’t believe he wasn’t aborted…twice just to make sure, you know? Fuck, man. Why wasn’t he terminated?! Late term, so he would have felt it. Son of a bitch, I am so angry about this now…I need a cigarette and a hand job…”
On a completely unrelated note: the last few weeks of The Simpsons have been very impressive. Might this be the start of a turnaround for the faltering 17-year franchise? I hope so, because that would be SUCH a fucking downer if The Simpsons got canned.
Also, yesterday I read some of the fiction Phil sent Will and me. Some is good and one was fucking spectacular. After the three or so short works, I started reading his first novella entitled Moses. Not sure if it’s based on me or not…I suppose we’ll find out.
Finally, I had another Katamari dream last night. If the game doesn’t kill me, I might have to kill myself.
3:03 PM
The new Gorillaz album Demon Days came out a while ago and, quite honestly, I was not impressed. It had maybe two or three songs I dug and the rest? Repetitive, uninspired stuff. Or so I thought…
Over time I have been enjoying more and more tracks. At first it was just Dirty Harry and Feel Good Inc. (the singles) and O Green World. Then I added Kids With Guns (excellent, excellent song). Soon after, I heard there was another video for another song of the album and I checked that out. The video was okay, but I didn’t remember the song being that good. I went back and checked it out again and then added that one (Dare) to the list. After that, I just started playing the album and about 85% of it is awesome. Much better than the first album. I was surprised at how many levels this one has. So many different sounds and textures. The rappers are a bit lacking but then again we can’t all be Method Man or ODB can we? Whatever the case; check out the album but remember to give it a few listens before you say, “Man, that Paul sure has bad taste in music. I don’t know why I ever listen to him. In fact, based on this bad advice he gave, I will stop listening to him altogether…about everything. Why would I ever listen to him again after a terrible mistake such as this? Jesus fucking Christ what a faggot douchebag asshole! I can’t believe he wasn’t aborted…twice just to make sure, you know? Fuck, man. Why wasn’t he terminated?! Late term, so he would have felt it. Son of a bitch, I am so angry about this now…I need a cigarette and a hand job…”
On a completely unrelated note: the last few weeks of The Simpsons have been very impressive. Might this be the start of a turnaround for the faltering 17-year franchise? I hope so, because that would be SUCH a fucking downer if The Simpsons got canned.
Also, yesterday I read some of the fiction Phil sent Will and me. Some is good and one was fucking spectacular. After the three or so short works, I started reading his first novella entitled Moses. Not sure if it’s based on me or not…I suppose we’ll find out.
Finally, I had another Katamari dream last night. If the game doesn’t kill me, I might have to kill myself.
Katamari XMAX!!!
1.9.06
4:29 PM
On Saturday I purchased a PlayStation 2 video game called “We Love Katamari”.
This is the sequel to a game that came out in 2004 called Katamari Damacy. It is the strangest videogame ever created.
The “plot”: While drunk, your father, the King of the Cosmos, destroyed the Universe in Katamari Damacy and to rectify his mistake, he got you, Prince, to create katamari’s and give them to him to remake the Universe. (A katamari is a big ball of stuff that gets bigger and bigger as you roll it over things. At first, it can only pick up paper clips and coins, then small fruits, then checkers, then toy cars, then small animals, and so on and so forth until you can roll up people, cars, buses etc. That is the simplest and clearest explanation.). This game Katamari Damacy became a huge hit (in the world of the video game and in real life) and the King of the Cosmos became famous. SO, the “story” of We Love Katamari is that people liked Katamari Damacy so much, they are asking to King to basically do stuff like that again. As a character you wander around a meadow that it filled with people and you will go to them and they will say things like, “Katamari Damacy was so much fun, can you roll one up now?”, “My grandson likes this game and I would like to play it with him, may I try?” and so forth. Other people will has tasks or specific games they want to play. For instance, a skinny sumo wrestler will ask your help I making him big for the fight. You then have to roll him around eating things so he can gain weight. In another, a student has been studying so hard that he forgot to pay his electric bill so his lights have gone off. You have to roll up fire flies to light his room. When you finish a goal, the person who asked you to do it will appear on the King’s shoulder (the King is huge) and will say thanks and give the katamari to the King. He will then throw it up into the Cosmos and it will become a planet or a satellite. Your final task (asked of you by a dog) is to roll up the sun. In order to do this, you must go around the cosmos and roll up all the planets and moons you have made (along with stardust) and then, if you katamari is big enough, you can roll up the sun. I have yet to do this since my katamaris aren’t big enough yet. That is the game in a nutshell.
Anyway, along with bizarre characters, dialogue and mission goals, there is a soundtrack that Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails has said he puts on a high volume to bother the shit out of his sound engineer. He also said that while on the tour bus, they have been playing this for months.
Anyway, I got this two days ago and I have played it for a total of six hours or so, no more than 8. I woke up this morning singing the We Love Katamari theme (the chorus which is as follows “Naaa, na na na na na naaa! Katamari Damacy! Naaaa, na na na na na naaa! Katamari Damacy!” This sung by a very nasal Japanese man) and as I continued through the day, remnants of my dreams came to me in ribbons: I had been dreaming about We Love Katamari all night. Not one dream I kept returning to, but several different dreams.
The thing of it is I have had dreams that feature recent events in my life, but none as intense as these. This game will be the end of me…
4:29 PM
On Saturday I purchased a PlayStation 2 video game called “We Love Katamari”.
This is the sequel to a game that came out in 2004 called Katamari Damacy. It is the strangest videogame ever created.
The “plot”: While drunk, your father, the King of the Cosmos, destroyed the Universe in Katamari Damacy and to rectify his mistake, he got you, Prince, to create katamari’s and give them to him to remake the Universe. (A katamari is a big ball of stuff that gets bigger and bigger as you roll it over things. At first, it can only pick up paper clips and coins, then small fruits, then checkers, then toy cars, then small animals, and so on and so forth until you can roll up people, cars, buses etc. That is the simplest and clearest explanation.). This game Katamari Damacy became a huge hit (in the world of the video game and in real life) and the King of the Cosmos became famous. SO, the “story” of We Love Katamari is that people liked Katamari Damacy so much, they are asking to King to basically do stuff like that again. As a character you wander around a meadow that it filled with people and you will go to them and they will say things like, “Katamari Damacy was so much fun, can you roll one up now?”, “My grandson likes this game and I would like to play it with him, may I try?” and so forth. Other people will has tasks or specific games they want to play. For instance, a skinny sumo wrestler will ask your help I making him big for the fight. You then have to roll him around eating things so he can gain weight. In another, a student has been studying so hard that he forgot to pay his electric bill so his lights have gone off. You have to roll up fire flies to light his room. When you finish a goal, the person who asked you to do it will appear on the King’s shoulder (the King is huge) and will say thanks and give the katamari to the King. He will then throw it up into the Cosmos and it will become a planet or a satellite. Your final task (asked of you by a dog) is to roll up the sun. In order to do this, you must go around the cosmos and roll up all the planets and moons you have made (along with stardust) and then, if you katamari is big enough, you can roll up the sun. I have yet to do this since my katamaris aren’t big enough yet. That is the game in a nutshell.
Anyway, along with bizarre characters, dialogue and mission goals, there is a soundtrack that Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails has said he puts on a high volume to bother the shit out of his sound engineer. He also said that while on the tour bus, they have been playing this for months.
Anyway, I got this two days ago and I have played it for a total of six hours or so, no more than 8. I woke up this morning singing the We Love Katamari theme (the chorus which is as follows “Naaa, na na na na na naaa! Katamari Damacy! Naaaa, na na na na na naaa! Katamari Damacy!” This sung by a very nasal Japanese man) and as I continued through the day, remnants of my dreams came to me in ribbons: I had been dreaming about We Love Katamari all night. Not one dream I kept returning to, but several different dreams.
The thing of it is I have had dreams that feature recent events in my life, but none as intense as these. This game will be the end of me…
1.05.2006
1.5.06
7:34 PM
Oh Lordy Lordy! Phat Burger has destroyed me. I thought, “I’m hungry, but not TOO hungry. I won’t get a burger.” I had been hankering for a nice bowl of chili allll day so I figure, “A nice bowl of chili and some cheese fries will quell this belly beast.” So I order at 6:55 and arrive back at work mere minutes before it shows up. At first, I am worried because there appears to be very little cheese on this bright orange waffle fries…wait…bright orange? I didn’t order sweet potato fries! What is this bullshit? I open the container to see my healthy potato friends have been drowned in a veritable OCEAN of melted sharp cheddar. I orgasm twice in quick succession, not being able to tell where one ends and the next begins. Then I open the chili container. BAM! Three more orgasms. My pants are a mess now, but I hardly notice the sliding warmth in my boxers. I dig in, dipping the cheese fries in my chili and smacking my lips audibly, stopping every few seconds to sip from my (glass) bottle of root beer. After about ten minutes or so, the fries are gone and my vision is getting hazy. There is a mote dancing behind my eyes and it is getting bigger and bigger, blocking my vision. Through its stringy, spinning mass I can see the empty fry container…and the three quarters full chili cup! “Good God…” I mutter, “Good God!” I scream. This makes no sense. I have eaten my fill but I still see delicious food in front of me! What has happened to me?! Am I bewitched? Am I shrinking? Has my sickness flipped some switch inside of me?
I was still grappling with this realization when I started typing. At this moment, I am still full and when I look at the chili cup still containing MORE THAN HALF of its original contents, I do not curse under my breath, I do not weep a silent, cheese-flavored tear…I merely smile and whisper the word…“oog”.
In other news I watched Boiler Room today. Not as bad as people made it out to be. Giovanni Rabisi was iight. Ben Affleck was tolerable. Vin Disel was great. I dug the soundtrack and how all the stockbrokers were whiggers xmax. Very funny stuff. The ending was pretty good too.
You know I think someone might have drugged this chili. I feel like I’m wrapped in a big, warm blanket. There is a buzzing in the back of my head. It agrees with and supports all my thoughts and ideas. It is my friend. I like it. Good. It’s as if I am underwater.
I am planning on seeing Sufjan Stevens in concert on Saturday the fourteenth. He is playing in the Allen Room at the Jazz at Lincoln Center space where Megan works. I might get to hang out with him. This isn’t like a Nine Inch Nails or They Might Be Giants thing; I am a fan of what this guy does but I don’t know him or his music (he has five albums (or eight if you count the three Xmas EP’s), I’ve heard one in totem) well enough to be obsessed. His music is deep and layered, beautiful and sad. And he has a song about zombies. Will put a track from his latest album on his Bite the Music submission and Christina Girlfriend fell fast in love with that track. The album (“Come On! Feel the Illinoise!”) is very thick. It is the second in a series of “state albums”. He has already released “Greetings from Michigan, the Great Lakes State!” and plans to write and release an album per state. Take that, John Linnell, you lazy robot! At this point, I am hungry for new music. Last year sort of spoiled me. Two new They Might Be Giants’ releases (both of which turned out to be rather lean indeed), a new Cake album (excellent), a new Beck album (nothing genre defining, but excellent nonetheless), a new eels album (monumental) that resulted in an amazing live show (which is coming to CD and DVD February 21st) and a new Nine Inch Nails album which has yet to leave my stereo (see, I bought the regular CD and the Dualdisc versions…). On top of that, Depeche Mode’s new release was a pleasant surprise as well. I saw a few concerts: Beck (very energetic), They Might Be Giants (fun as always, but nothing earthshaking), eels (amazing) and Nine Inch Nails (the definition of “100% perfection”). As far as 2006 looks, there is the eels live CD/DVD of the concert I saw (literally the concert I saw. They videotaped and recorded the Town Hall show that Phil and I were at), Cake with some others at the Unlimited Sunshine Tour (not going), talk of some new half-assed TMBG release and NIN is coming around for another leg of its tour. As far as that goes, I’m pensive because the last one was really perfect, I’m not exaggerating. Musically speaking, none of the aforementioned bands are planning any new material (except some tiny thing from TMBG which, based on their past two efforts, will not wow me). Trent Reznor has said he wants to have a new album out before 2007 but it has been NO LESS than FIVE YEARS between proper album releases for NIN, so I’m skeptical. You know, I’m just going to make a list of things to which I am looking forward…goddamn dangling participle.
Bullet Time…
• “eels With Strings” live CD/DVD (look for Phil and I standing for the last two songs)
• Something new by Beck (considering he has a lot of new stuff lying around)
• Not one, but TWO new Stephen King novels (Cell on 1.24.05 and Lesley’s Story on 10.24.06). Retired my ball sac.
• The Complete Tori Amos video collection (finally)
• Nine Inch Nails concert (hope it surpasses or at least lives up to the one before. This will be more like the first two of the With Teeth tour, but he has discussed doing a solo piano tour. That would be…indescribable.)
• Whatever stopgap release They Might Be Giants are planning (Something along the lines of the kids picture book Bed, Bed, Bed, Bed, Bed with a four song CD but “more Edwardian”. Any idea what that means?)
• Silent Hill the movie (although based on interviews and stuff, I feel like I am going to be disappointed and that totally blows. At least Uwe Boll isn’t involved…)
• The PS3 (drool)
• Acting in Ray’s film and John’s play. I like acting.
• The release of The Simpsons Season Eight, my favorite season, containing such excellent episodes as “The Springfield Files” guest starring David Duchovney and Gillian Anderson as Mulder and Scully, “Homer’s Nemesis” guest starring John Waters as John the gay guy, “You Only Move Twice” guest starring Albert Brooks as Hank Scorpio and, my all time favorite episode of The Simpsons, “The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer” (although the original title is in Portuguese). This episode guest stars Johnny Cash as the Space Coyote, is chock full of excellent lines and has one of the best endings in Simpson history. In fact, almost all the episodes in the eighth season have excellent endings. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, seasons six through ten are pure gold.
Now, these are all things to which I am looking forward, most of them (you will be surprised to notice) are material possessions. These are not goals, they re products. What goals do I have? Nothing but getting into SAG and then, instead of making stupid good money on my acting shit, I’ll make Ariel Sharon post-stroke money on my acting shit. Yeah, paralytic mumblin’ dollaz y’all.
7:34 PM
Oh Lordy Lordy! Phat Burger has destroyed me. I thought, “I’m hungry, but not TOO hungry. I won’t get a burger.” I had been hankering for a nice bowl of chili allll day so I figure, “A nice bowl of chili and some cheese fries will quell this belly beast.” So I order at 6:55 and arrive back at work mere minutes before it shows up. At first, I am worried because there appears to be very little cheese on this bright orange waffle fries…wait…bright orange? I didn’t order sweet potato fries! What is this bullshit? I open the container to see my healthy potato friends have been drowned in a veritable OCEAN of melted sharp cheddar. I orgasm twice in quick succession, not being able to tell where one ends and the next begins. Then I open the chili container. BAM! Three more orgasms. My pants are a mess now, but I hardly notice the sliding warmth in my boxers. I dig in, dipping the cheese fries in my chili and smacking my lips audibly, stopping every few seconds to sip from my (glass) bottle of root beer. After about ten minutes or so, the fries are gone and my vision is getting hazy. There is a mote dancing behind my eyes and it is getting bigger and bigger, blocking my vision. Through its stringy, spinning mass I can see the empty fry container…and the three quarters full chili cup! “Good God…” I mutter, “Good God!” I scream. This makes no sense. I have eaten my fill but I still see delicious food in front of me! What has happened to me?! Am I bewitched? Am I shrinking? Has my sickness flipped some switch inside of me?
I was still grappling with this realization when I started typing. At this moment, I am still full and when I look at the chili cup still containing MORE THAN HALF of its original contents, I do not curse under my breath, I do not weep a silent, cheese-flavored tear…I merely smile and whisper the word…“oog”.
In other news I watched Boiler Room today. Not as bad as people made it out to be. Giovanni Rabisi was iight. Ben Affleck was tolerable. Vin Disel was great. I dug the soundtrack and how all the stockbrokers were whiggers xmax. Very funny stuff. The ending was pretty good too.
You know I think someone might have drugged this chili. I feel like I’m wrapped in a big, warm blanket. There is a buzzing in the back of my head. It agrees with and supports all my thoughts and ideas. It is my friend. I like it. Good. It’s as if I am underwater.
I am planning on seeing Sufjan Stevens in concert on Saturday the fourteenth. He is playing in the Allen Room at the Jazz at Lincoln Center space where Megan works. I might get to hang out with him. This isn’t like a Nine Inch Nails or They Might Be Giants thing; I am a fan of what this guy does but I don’t know him or his music (he has five albums (or eight if you count the three Xmas EP’s), I’ve heard one in totem) well enough to be obsessed. His music is deep and layered, beautiful and sad. And he has a song about zombies. Will put a track from his latest album on his Bite the Music submission and Christina Girlfriend fell fast in love with that track. The album (“Come On! Feel the Illinoise!”) is very thick. It is the second in a series of “state albums”. He has already released “Greetings from Michigan, the Great Lakes State!” and plans to write and release an album per state. Take that, John Linnell, you lazy robot! At this point, I am hungry for new music. Last year sort of spoiled me. Two new They Might Be Giants’ releases (both of which turned out to be rather lean indeed), a new Cake album (excellent), a new Beck album (nothing genre defining, but excellent nonetheless), a new eels album (monumental) that resulted in an amazing live show (which is coming to CD and DVD February 21st) and a new Nine Inch Nails album which has yet to leave my stereo (see, I bought the regular CD and the Dualdisc versions…). On top of that, Depeche Mode’s new release was a pleasant surprise as well. I saw a few concerts: Beck (very energetic), They Might Be Giants (fun as always, but nothing earthshaking), eels (amazing) and Nine Inch Nails (the definition of “100% perfection”). As far as 2006 looks, there is the eels live CD/DVD of the concert I saw (literally the concert I saw. They videotaped and recorded the Town Hall show that Phil and I were at), Cake with some others at the Unlimited Sunshine Tour (not going), talk of some new half-assed TMBG release and NIN is coming around for another leg of its tour. As far as that goes, I’m pensive because the last one was really perfect, I’m not exaggerating. Musically speaking, none of the aforementioned bands are planning any new material (except some tiny thing from TMBG which, based on their past two efforts, will not wow me). Trent Reznor has said he wants to have a new album out before 2007 but it has been NO LESS than FIVE YEARS between proper album releases for NIN, so I’m skeptical. You know, I’m just going to make a list of things to which I am looking forward…goddamn dangling participle.
Bullet Time…
• “eels With Strings” live CD/DVD (look for Phil and I standing for the last two songs)
• Something new by Beck (considering he has a lot of new stuff lying around)
• Not one, but TWO new Stephen King novels (Cell on 1.24.05 and Lesley’s Story on 10.24.06). Retired my ball sac.
• The Complete Tori Amos video collection (finally)
• Nine Inch Nails concert (hope it surpasses or at least lives up to the one before. This will be more like the first two of the With Teeth tour, but he has discussed doing a solo piano tour. That would be…indescribable.)
• Whatever stopgap release They Might Be Giants are planning (Something along the lines of the kids picture book Bed, Bed, Bed, Bed, Bed with a four song CD but “more Edwardian”. Any idea what that means?)
• Silent Hill the movie (although based on interviews and stuff, I feel like I am going to be disappointed and that totally blows. At least Uwe Boll isn’t involved…)
• The PS3 (drool)
• Acting in Ray’s film and John’s play. I like acting.
• The release of The Simpsons Season Eight, my favorite season, containing such excellent episodes as “The Springfield Files” guest starring David Duchovney and Gillian Anderson as Mulder and Scully, “Homer’s Nemesis” guest starring John Waters as John the gay guy, “You Only Move Twice” guest starring Albert Brooks as Hank Scorpio and, my all time favorite episode of The Simpsons, “The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer” (although the original title is in Portuguese). This episode guest stars Johnny Cash as the Space Coyote, is chock full of excellent lines and has one of the best endings in Simpson history. In fact, almost all the episodes in the eighth season have excellent endings. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, seasons six through ten are pure gold.
Now, these are all things to which I am looking forward, most of them (you will be surprised to notice) are material possessions. These are not goals, they re products. What goals do I have? Nothing but getting into SAG and then, instead of making stupid good money on my acting shit, I’ll make Ariel Sharon post-stroke money on my acting shit. Yeah, paralytic mumblin’ dollaz y’all.
1.04.2006
HULK SMASH DOUGHNUT!!!
1.4.06
3:07 PM
There was a box of doughnuts that had been sitting on top of the microwave for the past few days. Over the past few days the microwave had been used several times. In fact, at about 2:50, I put a cup of water in there to make tea, but by the time it was finished, I realized that there would not be enough time for me to let the bag steep, add sugar and milk and drink the tea before I had to leave. I was about to walk out the door, tealess and cranky, when I remembered that there was one doughnut left, a chocolate covered doughnut. My spirits lifted and I opened the box. The doughnut was warm and gooey. It took a second before I remembered that when the microwave is used, it produces heat and objects on top of the microwave will sometimes be affected by said heat. I ate the doughnut anyway since I had eaten nothing yet and because my fingers were covered with chocolate. As I finished this gooey snack treat, I reflected on the amount of radiation this and the other doughnuts had been exposed to over the past few days. Maybe a little. Maybe a lot.
I will keep an eye on my stool to see if that is affected and I will keep you all informed if I grow any taller.
8:44 PM
I think the reason I believe it’s been a mild winter is that I don’t go outside that often.
9:50 PM
Herm. Ahemy herm herm.
So…when you look at me…do you think: modern adaptation of the Norse Thunder God, Thor? I hope the three of you reading this said yes because that who I shall be portraying at the Red Room on March 6th, 7th and 8th. In a play most likely titles “Fables of the Thunder God” I shall play a modern version of Thor named Tor (short for Torrance). The script is good and will include numerous anal sex jokes as per my contractual stipulations.
In my career I have played God (Testament) and Satan (Shark Week). And now I take on the mantle of Thor. Maybe next I’ll play that multi-armed elephant god: Multi-Armed Elephant God. Perhaps Jesus? I could do that. Jesus in the house.
Goodness has the sickness hit me! It nests in my head and throat and sinuses. It floats in the back of my mind, making me have to ask people to repeat things. It grinds mortar in my throat, making my voice sound like Kaitlyn after a few gin and tonics. It writhes in my sinuses, rushing forward to blind m with pressure. Fucking body. Unable to defend itself against this onslaught. I am being raped again and again…by my self and its battered immune system.
I installed my new stereo system. It was about time. My old stereo used to have three working CD slots (all of them capable of playing CD-R’s and CD’s), a decent AM/FM radio and a dual cassette player. After about five years, the disc trays stuck, CD-r’s would no longer play (that’s a weird one), both tape decks were fucked and when you turned it on it made loud clicking sounds.
I got the fucking hook up for Xmas. Some sweet Bose thing called the Wave. I just picked up a tape deck from J&R so now I am set. Same deal as the last one but four disc slots and the ability t play mp3 CD’s. Tasty stuff.
I also scored the hundred and fifty pound Complete Calvin & Hobbes. I had that mailed up and should be receiving it tomorrow. Aside from that I completed my Christopher Guest collection, got season seven of the Simpsons and Will topped me off with Beck’s “Guerolito”, the remix album. Some really great shit on there including a remix of “Missing” by Air. Those guys were meant to work together. I like the remix better than the original.
Graagh! My voice is rendered useless by attacking parasites.
Somehow this sickness is related to acid reflux. Goddamn fucking acid reflux.
I received a letter from my union today. Anyone who wants to be my spouse or dependant can get TOTAL COVERAGE (delivered as LeCerta, the photographer from Fear & Loathing). They sent me a list of drugs I can get for nothing. Man. There was some crazy shit on there. They had a category entitled “hypnotics”. Awesome. I should try those.
In Responsible Hospital news, another resident escaped today. Got out around 1:30 and as of 10:55 he is still missing. Careful, he has AIDS, so no one in Manhattan have sex with any black men until we get him back. He’s black, by the way, I’m not just saying that. Well, I am, but the escaped resident is also black so it doesn’t come from TOTAL nowhere.
Again, never let anyone you love be sent here. They will be punished for their sins and the sins of others. My shift nears its end. Tomorrow, I will either start Mrs. Norris & Jonathan Strange or You Shall Know Our Velocity. The ending of AHWOSG was alright. I feel like he ran out of things to say. YSKOV is fiction and it will be interesting to see with what his imagination can come up. I believe that sentence is grammatically correct but, lord, is it ugly. Other than those two books, I’ve been pressured to read the sixth Harry Potter book, but I fear the resulting stupidity. I do have a book of Dahl’s short stories I still have to dance through also…and tomorrow I’ll have C&H although that isn’t really heavy material (speaking for the content, of course). Perhaps after I read Harry Potter 6 I’ll jump onto C&H. Makes sense. There is a small patch of broken glass in my sinuses and throat. They spin when I try to sleep.
3:07 PM
There was a box of doughnuts that had been sitting on top of the microwave for the past few days. Over the past few days the microwave had been used several times. In fact, at about 2:50, I put a cup of water in there to make tea, but by the time it was finished, I realized that there would not be enough time for me to let the bag steep, add sugar and milk and drink the tea before I had to leave. I was about to walk out the door, tealess and cranky, when I remembered that there was one doughnut left, a chocolate covered doughnut. My spirits lifted and I opened the box. The doughnut was warm and gooey. It took a second before I remembered that when the microwave is used, it produces heat and objects on top of the microwave will sometimes be affected by said heat. I ate the doughnut anyway since I had eaten nothing yet and because my fingers were covered with chocolate. As I finished this gooey snack treat, I reflected on the amount of radiation this and the other doughnuts had been exposed to over the past few days. Maybe a little. Maybe a lot.
I will keep an eye on my stool to see if that is affected and I will keep you all informed if I grow any taller.
8:44 PM
I think the reason I believe it’s been a mild winter is that I don’t go outside that often.
9:50 PM
Herm. Ahemy herm herm.
So…when you look at me…do you think: modern adaptation of the Norse Thunder God, Thor? I hope the three of you reading this said yes because that who I shall be portraying at the Red Room on March 6th, 7th and 8th. In a play most likely titles “Fables of the Thunder God” I shall play a modern version of Thor named Tor (short for Torrance). The script is good and will include numerous anal sex jokes as per my contractual stipulations.
In my career I have played God (Testament) and Satan (Shark Week). And now I take on the mantle of Thor. Maybe next I’ll play that multi-armed elephant god: Multi-Armed Elephant God. Perhaps Jesus? I could do that. Jesus in the house.
Goodness has the sickness hit me! It nests in my head and throat and sinuses. It floats in the back of my mind, making me have to ask people to repeat things. It grinds mortar in my throat, making my voice sound like Kaitlyn after a few gin and tonics. It writhes in my sinuses, rushing forward to blind m with pressure. Fucking body. Unable to defend itself against this onslaught. I am being raped again and again…by my self and its battered immune system.
I installed my new stereo system. It was about time. My old stereo used to have three working CD slots (all of them capable of playing CD-R’s and CD’s), a decent AM/FM radio and a dual cassette player. After about five years, the disc trays stuck, CD-r’s would no longer play (that’s a weird one), both tape decks were fucked and when you turned it on it made loud clicking sounds.
I got the fucking hook up for Xmas. Some sweet Bose thing called the Wave. I just picked up a tape deck from J&R so now I am set. Same deal as the last one but four disc slots and the ability t play mp3 CD’s. Tasty stuff.
I also scored the hundred and fifty pound Complete Calvin & Hobbes. I had that mailed up and should be receiving it tomorrow. Aside from that I completed my Christopher Guest collection, got season seven of the Simpsons and Will topped me off with Beck’s “Guerolito”, the remix album. Some really great shit on there including a remix of “Missing” by Air. Those guys were meant to work together. I like the remix better than the original.
Graagh! My voice is rendered useless by attacking parasites.
Somehow this sickness is related to acid reflux. Goddamn fucking acid reflux.
I received a letter from my union today. Anyone who wants to be my spouse or dependant can get TOTAL COVERAGE (delivered as LeCerta, the photographer from Fear & Loathing). They sent me a list of drugs I can get for nothing. Man. There was some crazy shit on there. They had a category entitled “hypnotics”. Awesome. I should try those.
In Responsible Hospital news, another resident escaped today. Got out around 1:30 and as of 10:55 he is still missing. Careful, he has AIDS, so no one in Manhattan have sex with any black men until we get him back. He’s black, by the way, I’m not just saying that. Well, I am, but the escaped resident is also black so it doesn’t come from TOTAL nowhere.
Again, never let anyone you love be sent here. They will be punished for their sins and the sins of others. My shift nears its end. Tomorrow, I will either start Mrs. Norris & Jonathan Strange or You Shall Know Our Velocity. The ending of AHWOSG was alright. I feel like he ran out of things to say. YSKOV is fiction and it will be interesting to see with what his imagination can come up. I believe that sentence is grammatically correct but, lord, is it ugly. Other than those two books, I’ve been pressured to read the sixth Harry Potter book, but I fear the resulting stupidity. I do have a book of Dahl’s short stories I still have to dance through also…and tomorrow I’ll have C&H although that isn’t really heavy material (speaking for the content, of course). Perhaps after I read Harry Potter 6 I’ll jump onto C&H. Makes sense. There is a small patch of broken glass in my sinuses and throat. They spin when I try to sleep.
12.30.2005
Sweatsockdouchebagmotherfucker
12.29.05
7:04 PM
I just got to announce that someone was parked in a handicapped space and has to move their car. I totally had to restrain myself from calling them a douchebag over the PA system.
So last night I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time. I have to say, it’s a credit to Matt Damon’s acting ability that he was able to convince me as a viewer that he found Minnie Driver attractive. Yeesh. Both he and John Cusak. I couldn’t decide if I hated her or the Boston accent more.
And I didn’t know the “apple” guy was Cyril O’Reilly from Oz. I loved that character and I cried when he was being lead to the electric chair. His character in GWH was less likeable.
Anyway, I think the title was idiotic but on the whole a very good movie. I’m surprised it had such mass appeal. It isn’t what I would call your typical movie for the masses. Those accents though…yeech.
7:04 PM
I just got to announce that someone was parked in a handicapped space and has to move their car. I totally had to restrain myself from calling them a douchebag over the PA system.
So last night I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time. I have to say, it’s a credit to Matt Damon’s acting ability that he was able to convince me as a viewer that he found Minnie Driver attractive. Yeesh. Both he and John Cusak. I couldn’t decide if I hated her or the Boston accent more.
And I didn’t know the “apple” guy was Cyril O’Reilly from Oz. I loved that character and I cried when he was being lead to the electric chair. His character in GWH was less likeable.
Anyway, I think the title was idiotic but on the whole a very good movie. I’m surprised it had such mass appeal. It isn’t what I would call your typical movie for the masses. Those accents though…yeech.
12.28.2005
12.28.05
4:24 PM
You know those cookies that come in the large, round, blue tin? “Dutch Cookies” I think their proper name is? I am constantly disappointed by those. I mean…there’s just nothing to them. Someone says, “Hey, you want a cookie?” and you get handed one of those…I don’t know…always a letdown. It’s like they forsook quality for quantity. For five dollars, you could get a bag of fifteen Verona (the Pepperidge Farm shortbread cookies with a pool of raspberry or strawberry/apricot filling) or one hundred plain ass Dutch Cookies.
Don’t get me wrong, if you have no cookies, they are indeed cookies and will qualify in any sort of “Is This A Cookie?” type of game, but in a store, I would never even think of picking those up unless I was going to a party with 70 people I didn’t like.
They’re like…protocookies. Cookie templates. First-draft cookies. Like someone was about to put on sprinkles or chocolate or jelly, but they just didn’t have enough time. They’re half-assed.
Then again, they are cookies and I respect them for that. But if any of you ever throw a party and serve these, I will be openly upset and might just eat them all to see of there is any flavor in any of them or maybe just to spite you. I’ll try to mix it up.
On a completely different note: Today someone beautiful and terrible was created by me. To be more accurate today the creation process was finished by me. But let’s not split hairs…please. This is the first piece in a puzzle made in the seventh dimension. I say seventh because the first, second and third dimensions are mundane, the fourth dimension is time, the fifth dimension is a rock group from the 60’s as well as a D.C. comic reality where Mr. Mxyptlk is from and the sixth dimension was covered quite extensively by Robin Goldwasser and Julia Greenberg’s People Are Wrong!. So now I’m claiming the seventh dimension for myself and this project.
To give a few shady details about this project would lead to you form expectations, and we aren’t about all that. All that is bullshit.
All I’ll say is the first piece is the definition of everything so, nowhere to go but further.
Prepare to embrace oblivion.
You will not be spared.
4:24 PM
You know those cookies that come in the large, round, blue tin? “Dutch Cookies” I think their proper name is? I am constantly disappointed by those. I mean…there’s just nothing to them. Someone says, “Hey, you want a cookie?” and you get handed one of those…I don’t know…always a letdown. It’s like they forsook quality for quantity. For five dollars, you could get a bag of fifteen Verona (the Pepperidge Farm shortbread cookies with a pool of raspberry or strawberry/apricot filling) or one hundred plain ass Dutch Cookies.
Don’t get me wrong, if you have no cookies, they are indeed cookies and will qualify in any sort of “Is This A Cookie?” type of game, but in a store, I would never even think of picking those up unless I was going to a party with 70 people I didn’t like.
They’re like…protocookies. Cookie templates. First-draft cookies. Like someone was about to put on sprinkles or chocolate or jelly, but they just didn’t have enough time. They’re half-assed.
Then again, they are cookies and I respect them for that. But if any of you ever throw a party and serve these, I will be openly upset and might just eat them all to see of there is any flavor in any of them or maybe just to spite you. I’ll try to mix it up.
On a completely different note: Today someone beautiful and terrible was created by me. To be more accurate today the creation process was finished by me. But let’s not split hairs…please. This is the first piece in a puzzle made in the seventh dimension. I say seventh because the first, second and third dimensions are mundane, the fourth dimension is time, the fifth dimension is a rock group from the 60’s as well as a D.C. comic reality where Mr. Mxyptlk is from and the sixth dimension was covered quite extensively by Robin Goldwasser and Julia Greenberg’s People Are Wrong!. So now I’m claiming the seventh dimension for myself and this project.
To give a few shady details about this project would lead to you form expectations, and we aren’t about all that. All that is bullshit.
All I’ll say is the first piece is the definition of everything so, nowhere to go but further.
Prepare to embrace oblivion.
You will not be spared.
12.27.2005
Now I ride...
12.27.05
7:32 PM
Three more days. Just three more days and it would have been perfect.
Augh.
This grown up life isn’t to my liking. I need to become a famous and well-paid actor yesterday, man. Fuck this five days of Xmas. I would HARDLY call five days of Xmas Xmax. Not by a long shot. My time there, while short, was excellent. I got to return to Kobe Japanese steak house and gorge myself on beautiful things that were slashed and cooked before my eyes, I got to eat good food until my arms stopped moving, I saw nothing but blue sky in 60 degree weather for almost the whole time...ah…peaceful. I also got my teeth cleaned. I enjoyed that slightly less than the food and friends and presents. Slightly xmax.
Will and I spent our first night together crashing a party Kathy went to and our last night together listening to Hilary and Alex’s newborn son defecate. Both were equally enjoyable in different ways.
My parents had a party for Will, his mom and the entire McMullan clan. It was not as painful as I thought it would be. Don’t think that doesn’t mean my father didn’t talk about the NRA, because he did, but at least he didn’t talk about my mother’s vagina…again.
This was a very Monty Python Xmas. Specifically because Will got me “Do Not Adjust Your Set” (what SC-TV was to SNL, this was to Monty Python) and my sister got me the COMPLETE Monty Python’s Flying Circus. 16 fucking discs. I fainted.
8:12 PM
Sorry. Dinner arrived and was then consumed. Fresh guacamole and tortilla chips and black beans and rice. Muey beauno. Chris gets home tomorrow night so I have to fuck as many homeless men as I can as fast as possible.
Also, I sent out invitations to my party on the 23rd. This is going to be the shit. The complete and utter shit.
And now I am going to eat Skittles.
7:32 PM
Three more days. Just three more days and it would have been perfect.
Augh.
This grown up life isn’t to my liking. I need to become a famous and well-paid actor yesterday, man. Fuck this five days of Xmas. I would HARDLY call five days of Xmas Xmax. Not by a long shot. My time there, while short, was excellent. I got to return to Kobe Japanese steak house and gorge myself on beautiful things that were slashed and cooked before my eyes, I got to eat good food until my arms stopped moving, I saw nothing but blue sky in 60 degree weather for almost the whole time...ah…peaceful. I also got my teeth cleaned. I enjoyed that slightly less than the food and friends and presents. Slightly xmax.
Will and I spent our first night together crashing a party Kathy went to and our last night together listening to Hilary and Alex’s newborn son defecate. Both were equally enjoyable in different ways.
My parents had a party for Will, his mom and the entire McMullan clan. It was not as painful as I thought it would be. Don’t think that doesn’t mean my father didn’t talk about the NRA, because he did, but at least he didn’t talk about my mother’s vagina…again.
This was a very Monty Python Xmas. Specifically because Will got me “Do Not Adjust Your Set” (what SC-TV was to SNL, this was to Monty Python) and my sister got me the COMPLETE Monty Python’s Flying Circus. 16 fucking discs. I fainted.
8:12 PM
Sorry. Dinner arrived and was then consumed. Fresh guacamole and tortilla chips and black beans and rice. Muey beauno. Chris gets home tomorrow night so I have to fuck as many homeless men as I can as fast as possible.
Also, I sent out invitations to my party on the 23rd. This is going to be the shit. The complete and utter shit.
And now I am going to eat Skittles.
12.15.2005
It was s’posed to be so eeeeeee-zee…
12.15.05
3:38PM
What is it about me that screams “corporate spokesperson”? Is it my long, long hair? Is it my unshaven cheeks? Is it my semen and blood crusted asshole? Whatever the case, someone made a mistake and hired me to do the narration for Evergreen Investment’s employee orientation video. Yesterday morning, I woke my corporate ass up at nine in the blinking morning to wax professional in the name of Evergreen Financial. It is by far the gravest, most boring and fake thing I have ever recorded…but I got mad moneys for doing said grave, boring and fake thing…so it’s okay. It simply goes to prove the point: I will succumb to boredom if you pay me. They also provided bagels, croissants and assorted Danish and that didn’t make the deal any worse either.
If I get a link to the stuff, I’ll post it although I don’t even think I’m interested in hearing this drivel.
I am working on posting my reviews for Gia and Josh’s Bite the Music entries (which will be posted on the LiveJournal site) and once Jade’s hits our shores, we will make a new schedule for round two. I think we’ll be losing Phil and Kaitlyn (nothing personal, I just don’t imagine they would want to spend their finite time in Australia compiling, burning and mailing CD’s. Especially since Kaitlyn is busy getting evicted and expanding her mind (drugs and alcohol) and vagina (Tomas), and Phil is unable to walk and/or is getting his asshole licked with Kung for $150 per half hour). If you two feel otherwise, let me know…) but gaining Christina Nongirlfriend and Dorothy Hamilton Holscher (at her recent Xmas Party they spoke these words…) so who knows? I think there will be some new rules attached about presentation but other than that, no major changes. If any of you want to throw a new person into the mix, let Chris know and she will toss them a password to the seldom used LiveJournal site. All in all I’ve been happy with this round except for the fact that what was originally scheduled to take eight weeks has taken five months (and still waiting on Jade…). If this next round doesn’t happen faster, fuck it, I’ll just do it with Will and Chris. Nyah nyah.
In other news, the invitations will be sent out soon. If you don’t get one…dwell on it.
4:39 PM
I JUST GAVE MEDICAL ADVICE!! Some woman wanted dental but insisted I listen to what she had to say, so I transferred her. Then she called back and was babbling about how they weren’t picking up and if she needed emergency info to hit zero and blah blah blah. I asked what she wanted and she explained how her son blah blah heart condition blah blah antibiotics blah blah could kill him. Whatever. So I tell her not to give her son the medicine until she talks to someone. She calmed down at once.
Frank Abagnale can suck my balls.
3:38PM
What is it about me that screams “corporate spokesperson”? Is it my long, long hair? Is it my unshaven cheeks? Is it my semen and blood crusted asshole? Whatever the case, someone made a mistake and hired me to do the narration for Evergreen Investment’s employee orientation video. Yesterday morning, I woke my corporate ass up at nine in the blinking morning to wax professional in the name of Evergreen Financial. It is by far the gravest, most boring and fake thing I have ever recorded…but I got mad moneys for doing said grave, boring and fake thing…so it’s okay. It simply goes to prove the point: I will succumb to boredom if you pay me. They also provided bagels, croissants and assorted Danish and that didn’t make the deal any worse either.
If I get a link to the stuff, I’ll post it although I don’t even think I’m interested in hearing this drivel.
I am working on posting my reviews for Gia and Josh’s Bite the Music entries (which will be posted on the LiveJournal site) and once Jade’s hits our shores, we will make a new schedule for round two. I think we’ll be losing Phil and Kaitlyn (nothing personal, I just don’t imagine they would want to spend their finite time in Australia compiling, burning and mailing CD’s. Especially since Kaitlyn is busy getting evicted and expanding her mind (drugs and alcohol) and vagina (Tomas), and Phil is unable to walk and/or is getting his asshole licked with Kung for $150 per half hour). If you two feel otherwise, let me know…) but gaining Christina Nongirlfriend and Dorothy Hamilton Holscher (at her recent Xmas Party they spoke these words…) so who knows? I think there will be some new rules attached about presentation but other than that, no major changes. If any of you want to throw a new person into the mix, let Chris know and she will toss them a password to the seldom used LiveJournal site. All in all I’ve been happy with this round except for the fact that what was originally scheduled to take eight weeks has taken five months (and still waiting on Jade…). If this next round doesn’t happen faster, fuck it, I’ll just do it with Will and Chris. Nyah nyah.
In other news, the invitations will be sent out soon. If you don’t get one…dwell on it.
4:39 PM
I JUST GAVE MEDICAL ADVICE!! Some woman wanted dental but insisted I listen to what she had to say, so I transferred her. Then she called back and was babbling about how they weren’t picking up and if she needed emergency info to hit zero and blah blah blah. I asked what she wanted and she explained how her son blah blah heart condition blah blah antibiotics blah blah could kill him. Whatever. So I tell her not to give her son the medicine until she talks to someone. She calmed down at once.
Frank Abagnale can suck my balls.
12.08.2005
Oh, but that embarassing erection at the end--
12.8.05
3:16 PM
Got two things for you today; first, I’m not in a very “accent” mood. This will assuredly be a problem as the day unfurls. Second, yes, it’s cold, it’s December, it’s the Northeast, shut the fuck up. Talking about the weather in general is boring enough, but saying (with…TOTAL surprise) “Wow! It…is…COLD!!” transcends boring and traverses into the realm of sand-in-my-anus annoying. Christ. Talking about it isn’t going to make yourself any warmer; get a coat. Get two. Just stop talking about it. The only time it is okay to talk about the weather is when quoting Groundhog Day. This quoting should be carried out as follows:
Person One: “It’s cold out there today.”
Person Two: “…it’s cold out there…every day.”
There’s the other line about wearing your booties, but this one is superior.
”Too early for flapjacks?” is also acceptable.
I tried a Phat Burger from the restaurant of the same name last night. Damn. Very good burgers. Asked around and they are NOT the same as Fat Burger (popularized by Biggie Smalls (Going Back to Cali) and Ice Cube (Today Was A Good Day)), the chain in California, but a subsidiary of Jackson Hole. 12 ounce burgers. Mmm mm. Enough to fill even my Jackson Hole.
3:16 PM
Got two things for you today; first, I’m not in a very “accent” mood. This will assuredly be a problem as the day unfurls. Second, yes, it’s cold, it’s December, it’s the Northeast, shut the fuck up. Talking about the weather in general is boring enough, but saying (with…TOTAL surprise) “Wow! It…is…COLD!!” transcends boring and traverses into the realm of sand-in-my-anus annoying. Christ. Talking about it isn’t going to make yourself any warmer; get a coat. Get two. Just stop talking about it. The only time it is okay to talk about the weather is when quoting Groundhog Day. This quoting should be carried out as follows:
Person One: “It’s cold out there today.”
Person Two: “…it’s cold out there…every day.”
There’s the other line about wearing your booties, but this one is superior.
”Too early for flapjacks?” is also acceptable.
I tried a Phat Burger from the restaurant of the same name last night. Damn. Very good burgers. Asked around and they are NOT the same as Fat Burger (popularized by Biggie Smalls (Going Back to Cali) and Ice Cube (Today Was A Good Day)), the chain in California, but a subsidiary of Jackson Hole. 12 ounce burgers. Mmm mm. Enough to fill even my Jackson Hole.
12.02.2005
Pelvic...THRUST!
12.2.05
4:08 PM
Good day. Very good day.
My ego was stroked this morning and it felt wonderful. Reflecting on this event afterwards (as opposed to reflecting on the event before it happened as so many precooks are prone to do…) I realized that my ego doesn’t get stroked that often. I should hire someone to take care of that. Like an Ego Masseur.
I was at the edge of Manhattan at House and while I was waiting to do this Cablevision voiceover audition (what a stupid name for a company. It’s like Bananafruit or Clothingpants. It sounds like something that people in the 50’s would call a video phone- as in the kind of phone that is in your home and has a camera on it allowing you to see the person you are talking to, not a cell phone with video recording abilities) when this recording engineer comes out and asks if, after the Pencilwriter audition I could come in and do hers. It was for Met Life and they wanted me to do a British accent because I do it well (her words, not mine). So after I did the first one, I went it and did the second one. The second was better because it required something whereas the Cablevision was just typical. They asked for a Monty Python-esque voice. I love my job. I kind of don’t want this because that means more auditions at House and dagblam it it’s a bother to get over there. Then again…I like money, so I’ll take it if it’s offered.
After the audition, I stopped by Jamie Baker’s office. He watched my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory commercial and he dug it.
“It doesn’t sound anything like you!” he cried, astounded.
“You’re my agent, Jamie; you should know what I sound like.” I responded.
After that I went home and watched “Old School”. The first time I saw it, the people I was with weren’t “Old School” kind of people. Not to say that they weren’t L.L. Cool J and Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane, because they were. I just mean that they weren’t the kind of people that really dig this kind of movie. Honestly I think they were unhappy about Snoop’s appearance in the movie. They got jealous. I, myself, am very much so an “Old School” person and loved the move this time around. It had a few scenes with Elisha Cuthbert so, you know, I touched my wang a bit. It was nice.
All in all a good day so far. I am sort of…wait…someone just brought down a cake. God. Damn. This is quite a good day.
4:45 PM
Mm mmm. Cake! Now where was I…? Uh…hmmm…oh yes. I was considering trying out Phat Burger for dinner tonight. I have heard nothing but rave reviews from the security staff for the past few days. They have waffle fries. And a standard burger is 12 ounces. There are big men here who have been unable to finish these burgers. Pussies. One bite, you fags! ONE GODDAMN BITE!
This weekend might be a good…there’s nothing concrete planned or even conceptualized, but I just have this lingering feeling it is to be a good weekend.
Shoot. I hope putting that statement on the Internet doesn’t give me cancer or something.
Speaking of cancer, there’s this shrill old woman who is SUCH a ham. She somehow figured out how to dial zero and now every time anything is wrong she calls me. She tells me the nurses are neglecting her and I say I am not that surprised. Just about an hour ago, she calls up all gasping and coughing and asks to be transferred to respiratory. Hey, lady, can you hear that over your feigned wheezing? It’s the Wah-mbulance coming for you! Wah-oo wah-oo wah-oo! Give me a fucking break. Jennifer Lopez is a better actress than this crotch. “Please (gasp), I need (gasp) respiratory (gasp) the nurses haven’t been here in (gasp) six days (gasp).” Blah blah blah. I’d offer you a quarter to call someone who gives a shit, but you’d waste the whole coin pretending to wheeze.
I think it’s almost time for my break.
Anyone have fun idea for weekend play, cawl me.
4:08 PM
Good day. Very good day.
My ego was stroked this morning and it felt wonderful. Reflecting on this event afterwards (as opposed to reflecting on the event before it happened as so many precooks are prone to do…) I realized that my ego doesn’t get stroked that often. I should hire someone to take care of that. Like an Ego Masseur.
I was at the edge of Manhattan at House and while I was waiting to do this Cablevision voiceover audition (what a stupid name for a company. It’s like Bananafruit or Clothingpants. It sounds like something that people in the 50’s would call a video phone- as in the kind of phone that is in your home and has a camera on it allowing you to see the person you are talking to, not a cell phone with video recording abilities) when this recording engineer comes out and asks if, after the Pencilwriter audition I could come in and do hers. It was for Met Life and they wanted me to do a British accent because I do it well (her words, not mine). So after I did the first one, I went it and did the second one. The second was better because it required something whereas the Cablevision was just typical. They asked for a Monty Python-esque voice. I love my job. I kind of don’t want this because that means more auditions at House and dagblam it it’s a bother to get over there. Then again…I like money, so I’ll take it if it’s offered.
After the audition, I stopped by Jamie Baker’s office. He watched my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory commercial and he dug it.
“It doesn’t sound anything like you!” he cried, astounded.
“You’re my agent, Jamie; you should know what I sound like.” I responded.
After that I went home and watched “Old School”. The first time I saw it, the people I was with weren’t “Old School” kind of people. Not to say that they weren’t L.L. Cool J and Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane, because they were. I just mean that they weren’t the kind of people that really dig this kind of movie. Honestly I think they were unhappy about Snoop’s appearance in the movie. They got jealous. I, myself, am very much so an “Old School” person and loved the move this time around. It had a few scenes with Elisha Cuthbert so, you know, I touched my wang a bit. It was nice.
All in all a good day so far. I am sort of…wait…someone just brought down a cake. God. Damn. This is quite a good day.
4:45 PM
Mm mmm. Cake! Now where was I…? Uh…hmmm…oh yes. I was considering trying out Phat Burger for dinner tonight. I have heard nothing but rave reviews from the security staff for the past few days. They have waffle fries. And a standard burger is 12 ounces. There are big men here who have been unable to finish these burgers. Pussies. One bite, you fags! ONE GODDAMN BITE!
This weekend might be a good…there’s nothing concrete planned or even conceptualized, but I just have this lingering feeling it is to be a good weekend.
Shoot. I hope putting that statement on the Internet doesn’t give me cancer or something.
Speaking of cancer, there’s this shrill old woman who is SUCH a ham. She somehow figured out how to dial zero and now every time anything is wrong she calls me. She tells me the nurses are neglecting her and I say I am not that surprised. Just about an hour ago, she calls up all gasping and coughing and asks to be transferred to respiratory. Hey, lady, can you hear that over your feigned wheezing? It’s the Wah-mbulance coming for you! Wah-oo wah-oo wah-oo! Give me a fucking break. Jennifer Lopez is a better actress than this crotch. “Please (gasp), I need (gasp) respiratory (gasp) the nurses haven’t been here in (gasp) six days (gasp).” Blah blah blah. I’d offer you a quarter to call someone who gives a shit, but you’d waste the whole coin pretending to wheeze.
I think it’s almost time for my break.
Anyone have fun idea for weekend play, cawl me.
11.30.2005
In this new world, in our new world, there will be rocking.
11.30.05
7:40 PM
Getting into the Dave Eggers book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Really digging it so far. Lots of excellent quotables (like the heading for this entry, by the by…). If you want to feel smart (or stupid, depending on who you are and what your reading habits are like…) (try to) read this book. From comics to Stephen King to Rohld Dahl to Dave Eggers. I feel like I’m on an upward swing. Perhaps after A.H.W.O.S.G. I’ll read You Shall Know Our Velocity (another Eggers book that was left mysteriously at my home). After Eggers, I might just finish Count of Monte Cristo (of which I was only able to read 25 pages in an 8 hour period thanks to Harry fucking Potter and the Elixir of Duh). Maybe I’ll finally get to Mr. Strange and Mrs. Norris (or whatever it’s called) which I bought the week it came out and have yet to read more of than a paragraph. Who knows?! The literary possibilities are wide open. Me likey readey.
Gia’s coming over tonight. She seemed a bit cloudy on the phone. Well, call me a low pressure system because I am gonna make those clouds disappear!!!! Maybe. Sometimes it’s good to feel lows or else you forget what the highs are like. That’s the problem with Prozac. It doesn’t make you feel better, it makes you feel less. Whatever her emotional state, I plan to prove to her, once and for all, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that John Sidney Linnell is, in fact, a robot. Or at least a cyborg.
I made a friend in the MIS department and now I have this cool new laser ball mouse and a super keyboard that does things I can’t even imagine. It’s good to wheedle.
Back to the book…
7:40 PM
Getting into the Dave Eggers book A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Really digging it so far. Lots of excellent quotables (like the heading for this entry, by the by…). If you want to feel smart (or stupid, depending on who you are and what your reading habits are like…) (try to) read this book. From comics to Stephen King to Rohld Dahl to Dave Eggers. I feel like I’m on an upward swing. Perhaps after A.H.W.O.S.G. I’ll read You Shall Know Our Velocity (another Eggers book that was left mysteriously at my home). After Eggers, I might just finish Count of Monte Cristo (of which I was only able to read 25 pages in an 8 hour period thanks to Harry fucking Potter and the Elixir of Duh). Maybe I’ll finally get to Mr. Strange and Mrs. Norris (or whatever it’s called) which I bought the week it came out and have yet to read more of than a paragraph. Who knows?! The literary possibilities are wide open. Me likey readey.
Gia’s coming over tonight. She seemed a bit cloudy on the phone. Well, call me a low pressure system because I am gonna make those clouds disappear!!!! Maybe. Sometimes it’s good to feel lows or else you forget what the highs are like. That’s the problem with Prozac. It doesn’t make you feel better, it makes you feel less. Whatever her emotional state, I plan to prove to her, once and for all, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that John Sidney Linnell is, in fact, a robot. Or at least a cyborg.
I made a friend in the MIS department and now I have this cool new laser ball mouse and a super keyboard that does things I can’t even imagine. It’s good to wheedle.
Back to the book…
11.29.2005
11.29.05
3:19 PM
I feel like my pants: rumpled, worn and with a small yet noticeably stain spreading in the crotch.
My original flight was to leave at 8:45 AM, put me into Raleigh-Durham and then from there to NYC. I would arrive around 1ish. However, my flight down got balled up (no details since there aren’t many things more boring and esoteric than descriptions of long airport waits…) so my family and I figured it would be wise to check that the returning flight was okay. It was although getting in at 1ish would only work if EVERYTHING went perfect. There was only to be a 30 minute layover and if one plane was late and the second was early, I was fucked out of some money (I’m working today…). We saw that there was an earlier flight (7:55 AM) that went directly to NYC and got me in at 10:30. Long story short, I was up at 5 this morning after getting only 3 hours of sleep.
Anyway.
The point of this update is to let you all know I got a good one off:
So I sat down in the aisle seat of an empty row. There was a bag and a coat on the window seat. Eventually, a guy showed up claiming the window seat. He asked is I knew whose stuff this was, I told him I didn’t. He moved it to the middle and that was that. As the plane filled up and no one claimed the seat, I became suspect of terrorism and asked the stew if she had any info. She said she thought the stuff belonged to some woman who was in the back. As we were about to leave, the woman shows up, talks to the stew for a moment and determines that she is in the wrong seat. Thanks to me, there is an empty seat between ne and the guy. Soon after that, we are informed that the half hour delay has turned into a forty-five minute delay. As we were sitting, motionless, on the ground (I find fewer things in life more annoying and useless that an airplane sitting, motionless, on the ground) the man turns to me and says, “Hey, thanks for saying something about the stuff on the seat.” I respond, “No problem.” A pause for effect and timing (also to put the words in the right order, it was blistering early still) “Maybe I should say something about the plane not moving.”
Score.
Take that Delta Song. Suck from my sarcasm teat and choke upon the poison milk contained within.
Had weird flying dreams, waking dreams, erections during the flight. Garbled.
When I returned home I torn my clothes off and snuggled into my bed from 12:40 to 2:40 in order to regain some strength. I had a dream in which I was to give a speech that Will and his brother were coming to. It was to be about the X-Prize, but it wasn’t going to be since everything knew I knew nothing about it. I don’t remember much, but I am sure it was going to end with me doing a Bill Cosby impression.
There was another dream or branch of this dream in which the family of bears living in the Springs (that’s true, not in the dream) were hanging out in my garage (dream) and I ad dealings with them…
And now, here I sit, broken-hearted.
Time crawls slowly by…
3:19 PM
I feel like my pants: rumpled, worn and with a small yet noticeably stain spreading in the crotch.
My original flight was to leave at 8:45 AM, put me into Raleigh-Durham and then from there to NYC. I would arrive around 1ish. However, my flight down got balled up (no details since there aren’t many things more boring and esoteric than descriptions of long airport waits…) so my family and I figured it would be wise to check that the returning flight was okay. It was although getting in at 1ish would only work if EVERYTHING went perfect. There was only to be a 30 minute layover and if one plane was late and the second was early, I was fucked out of some money (I’m working today…). We saw that there was an earlier flight (7:55 AM) that went directly to NYC and got me in at 10:30. Long story short, I was up at 5 this morning after getting only 3 hours of sleep.
Anyway.
The point of this update is to let you all know I got a good one off:
So I sat down in the aisle seat of an empty row. There was a bag and a coat on the window seat. Eventually, a guy showed up claiming the window seat. He asked is I knew whose stuff this was, I told him I didn’t. He moved it to the middle and that was that. As the plane filled up and no one claimed the seat, I became suspect of terrorism and asked the stew if she had any info. She said she thought the stuff belonged to some woman who was in the back. As we were about to leave, the woman shows up, talks to the stew for a moment and determines that she is in the wrong seat. Thanks to me, there is an empty seat between ne and the guy. Soon after that, we are informed that the half hour delay has turned into a forty-five minute delay. As we were sitting, motionless, on the ground (I find fewer things in life more annoying and useless that an airplane sitting, motionless, on the ground) the man turns to me and says, “Hey, thanks for saying something about the stuff on the seat.” I respond, “No problem.” A pause for effect and timing (also to put the words in the right order, it was blistering early still) “Maybe I should say something about the plane not moving.”
Score.
Take that Delta Song. Suck from my sarcasm teat and choke upon the poison milk contained within.
Had weird flying dreams, waking dreams, erections during the flight. Garbled.
When I returned home I torn my clothes off and snuggled into my bed from 12:40 to 2:40 in order to regain some strength. I had a dream in which I was to give a speech that Will and his brother were coming to. It was to be about the X-Prize, but it wasn’t going to be since everything knew I knew nothing about it. I don’t remember much, but I am sure it was going to end with me doing a Bill Cosby impression.
There was another dream or branch of this dream in which the family of bears living in the Springs (that’s true, not in the dream) were hanging out in my garage (dream) and I ad dealings with them…
And now, here I sit, broken-hearted.
Time crawls slowly by…
11.28.2005
I have something in my eye...
There is NO attractive twizz on staff at Bascom Palmer Eye Institute. Where did this myth of nurses being attractive originate? I want my retinal specialist to work there.
My wait was two hours longer than it usually was today. Why? Because the BPEI just shelled out $100,000 for a digital inner eye camera system.
The bad news: each visit will now be a four hour trial AND each year I will have my retinas singed by super powered blasts of light sent directly into my eye.
The good news:...uh...I get to see what makes me stumble around like a hedgehog turned up by the family plow into a sunny day. It looks like exactly what I thought it would look like and although we can now see pictures of it and can trace its progression, we can't do anything about it. Fucking technology. You get to see the individual cells in your malignant tumor and get an HD perfect view of it killing you, but you still can't stop it. Maybe if they had splurged and bought the $200,000 system they could actually help me. Oh well. See you next year, Dr. Superfluous.
My wait was two hours longer than it usually was today. Why? Because the BPEI just shelled out $100,000 for a digital inner eye camera system.
The bad news: each visit will now be a four hour trial AND each year I will have my retinas singed by super powered blasts of light sent directly into my eye.
The good news:...uh...I get to see what makes me stumble around like a hedgehog turned up by the family plow into a sunny day. It looks like exactly what I thought it would look like and although we can now see pictures of it and can trace its progression, we can't do anything about it. Fucking technology. You get to see the individual cells in your malignant tumor and get an HD perfect view of it killing you, but you still can't stop it. Maybe if they had splurged and bought the $200,000 system they could actually help me. Oh well. See you next year, Dr. Superfluous.
11.26.2005
K Rock xmax the turkey
I winder if the tukey I had a few nights ago had avian flu...
As I sit in my room in Florida (there is mysteriously a computer in my room for some reason...) I realize how different 38 degrees is from 75 degrees. Things are sludgy here and I enjoy that. Time is elastic. Soon I will go to Miami for eye piercing tests that might reveal the onset of macular degeneration, a continued growth of scar tissue on my retina or any number of tiny things that will cost me my sight.
I reflect that going blind would be less fun than it is portrayed in the movies. I don't think Helen Keller is smiling in all those picture she didn't know people were taking...
Berrington is good. As always. He is still the nicest dog in the world.
My bed at home is six feet long and finding somewhere to put those extra eight inches cause some sleep trouble.
The Song planes have been upgraded again and now you can create an mp3 playlist from hundreds of album they have in their databanks. Prince, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, even They Might Be Giants' new kids album "Here Come the ABCs". The flight to Florida was pleasant, but the four hour wait in the airport was not. Apparently, the airline has the right to change your flight time without telling you. They did that. It sucked. I played Su Doku for three hours. At that point, my logic circuits were smoking. Once on the plane, everything got better. I opened up a pack of Haribo gummi bears once the stew had directed me to a seat with gallons of leg room and everything was groovy from there. Now I sit in my room, trying to find a way to escape from going to church with my parents. I'm thinking of shitting my pants and falling down, but I only have two pairs of pants with me so that might not be an option.
I got nothing for you, people. I shall now return to my video game. I received True Crime: New York City. It isn't as accurate as I would have hoped. Hm.
As I sit in my room in Florida (there is mysteriously a computer in my room for some reason...) I realize how different 38 degrees is from 75 degrees. Things are sludgy here and I enjoy that. Time is elastic. Soon I will go to Miami for eye piercing tests that might reveal the onset of macular degeneration, a continued growth of scar tissue on my retina or any number of tiny things that will cost me my sight.
I reflect that going blind would be less fun than it is portrayed in the movies. I don't think Helen Keller is smiling in all those picture she didn't know people were taking...
Berrington is good. As always. He is still the nicest dog in the world.
My bed at home is six feet long and finding somewhere to put those extra eight inches cause some sleep trouble.
The Song planes have been upgraded again and now you can create an mp3 playlist from hundreds of album they have in their databanks. Prince, Guns N Roses, Nirvana, even They Might Be Giants' new kids album "Here Come the ABCs". The flight to Florida was pleasant, but the four hour wait in the airport was not. Apparently, the airline has the right to change your flight time without telling you. They did that. It sucked. I played Su Doku for three hours. At that point, my logic circuits were smoking. Once on the plane, everything got better. I opened up a pack of Haribo gummi bears once the stew had directed me to a seat with gallons of leg room and everything was groovy from there. Now I sit in my room, trying to find a way to escape from going to church with my parents. I'm thinking of shitting my pants and falling down, but I only have two pairs of pants with me so that might not be an option.
I got nothing for you, people. I shall now return to my video game. I received True Crime: New York City. It isn't as accurate as I would have hoped. Hm.
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