So...I'm not sure who gets retribution here...but it certainly was not me.
First things first, remember at the end of the fourth RE movie (...uh...Insurrection? Revelations? Aftermath? Yes, Aftermath) Aftermath, when Milla and her clan of completely untrained and unarmed human guinea pigs were about to get mowed down by Jill "I'm Now Blonde And Have A Chest Spider" Valentine and her gaggle of Umbrella Supercopters? Well, the fifth movie picks up right there and, after a pretty cool and very well-scored backwards, slow motion battle scene which ends with every one of those aforementioned untrained and unarmed folks getting slaughtered and Milla getting knocked into the water*, the movie begins...with a dream sequence that isn't really a dream sequence in which Milla is married to the guy who betrayed her in the first movie and has a daughter who is deaf for no reason**, then the zombie apocalypse begins and a not dead and not superbadasshardcore Michelle Rodriguez (remember her from the first movie? No? Continue.) saves the two of them before flipping the goddamn car and BOOM, eyeball.
Then, god damn it, that poor bitch wakes up, naked and alone, again, in a fucking Umbrella facility.
These fuckin' guys...
She's tortured by Jill and loud sounds for a while until the system shuts down and a drawer containing what looks like a cenobite costume opens. Milla dons said Pinhead outfit, because yes, and then lots of zombies, lots of superhuman ninja fighting (although Milla is NO LONGER super-Milla but apparently remembers all her wire-fu), lots more slow motion and lots of white hallways.
After obliterating a bunch of the undead fuckers, she is attacked by Ada fucking Wong, the most bad ass bitch in the Resident Evil (game) series who falls SO short in this film...I just sad farted.
She informs Milla that her and Wesker, who is totally not dead DESPITE BEING IN A NEUTRON BOMB EXPLOSION and, also, not evil, are no longer working for Umbrella because they are bad and are currently being controlled by the computer bitch from the first movie who now wants to destroy the world because it is a homicidal computer and you can't be homicidal unless you yearn to kill things.
*sigh*
Wesker's face then informs Milla that she is in the real REAL real Umbrella base...under a mile of ice in fucking Siberia and that she must escape with the help of a strike team, made up of Sergei (character from Resident Evil 3: Nemesis...I think?), Luther (pre-apocalypse basketball star from the previous film), Barry Burton (from the first Resident Evil game; a S.T.A.R.S. team member who betrays everyone in the first game and then saves everyone in a bunch of subsequent games...something I thought he would do here) and Leon S. motherfucking Kennedy*** (star of Resident Evil 2, Resident Evil 4 and Resident Evil 6...fuck yeah.), and which has a legitimately awesome intro involving an elevator and some sort of automatic machine gun wheel.
At this point, they make up a reason to make this into the first remix movie I have ever seen, bringing back sets and setpieces and enemies from all the films.
Like a bad video game...by Capcom.
Speaking of bad video games, we are reintroduced to the computerized image of a little girl that serves as the audience's focal point for the Red Queen (homicidal computer).
She looks like a pitbull and talks out loud although she is a computer and has no need to speak at all.
We then follow the progress of Ada and Milla via wireframe (something that, honestly, always looks cool to me) and watch as they fight, not one, but TWO of the utterly unexplained huge axe guys from the most recent movie.
The axe guys lose.
Ada's grapple gun is introduced, lending the movie more fan cred, but not really used well.
Leon and his troop are cornered by a veritable army of dudes, a point at which I kept yelling "use flash grenades!!!!"****, then get away only to confront the biggest god damn Licker I have ever seen.
Good thing it's CG.
It was around here that I realized this movie has only two types of dialogue: endless exposition or "snappy" one-liners.
Moving on.
The strike team meets up with Milla and they begin a driving level (see Chapter 2-3 of Resident Evil 5)
After the chase sequence, which ends with the huge fucking Licker getting killed...for real..., the survivors go into the subway and starts shooting at bad guys.
Barry then whips out his magnum (nice reference to RE1) and gets two shots off before getting hit with about ten bullets and then he pops up AGAIN to kill one more dude, but then he dies, something I was more bummed out about than I'd like to admit.
Finally, after brainfucking that huge ass Licker (which was NOT dead!!!), on the icy surface of Umbrella's secret real base, Milla squares of against Jill, and Leon and Luther square off against Michelle Rodriguez' evil clone*****...but check this out, she injected herself with Las Plagas, which, in the game would mean she starts to get tentacley and rotten, but, here, it means she is a fucking super ninja. She shrugs off bullets and everything else Leon and Luther throw at her, PUNCHES LUTHER IN THE HEART, killing him instantly and also incapacitates Leon.
Meanwhile, Milla is getting her ass kicked for the first time in the series. Jill is bear blasting her ass and, as she is about to grind her face off on a Snowcat's treads, Milla remembers the bright red, flashing device attached to her chest and ::boop:: plucks it off her like a child would a grape from a vine.
A side note: the fight with Jill Valentine in Resident Evil 5, the one in which she is under the control of that very same flickering chest thing, may be the most difficult and annoying fight IN THAT GAME. It takes SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT to get that fucking thing off her chest....ugh.
Anyway.
Once Milla despiders Jill's chest, she's free to try and take down Evil Michelle Rodriguez.
In a nutshell, it doesn't work, and Milla ends up cracking the ice under her, drowning her in the Sea of Zombie, which looks pretty awesome.
And then...we get the wrap up...
The survivors, Jill, Leon, deaf girl and Ada are flown from Siberia to Washington D.C.
Milla is taken into the Oval Office...to find Wesker sitting behind the desk of the President.
Asking why Wesker is President is like asking...is like asking any other good question that will never, ever get answered in this series, so, don't, all right?
He reinfects Milla with the T-virus (the thing that made her superpowered and telekinetic and fucking pyrokinetic and all other typesa shit and tells her that she is the key to saving blah blah blah and that this is "the beginning of the end".
In other words: eight more movies.
The movie ends with the super team of Leon, Ada, Jill and Milla standing on the roof of the White House while the camera pulls back to reveal UTTER ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE CHAOS...including flying dinosaurs, which raise two questions for me: A. how is a homicidal computer going to control flying god damn dinosaurs and B. how the fuck are there flying dinosaurs?
These questions AND MORE will be answered in 2014 when Resident Evil: *sigh* is released.
See it in 3D IMAX or don't see it at all.
* Because, what's cooler than backwards and slow motion? BACKWARDS SLOW MOTION!!!!!!
** Unless "unearned pathos" is a reason.
*** Whose jaw is as big as his hair is girly.
**** But no one did.
***** The scenario as I picture it
Michelle and Milla are having coffee somewhere.
MR: Milla, is it true that the fourth Resident Evil movie grossed (however many hundreds of millions of dollars it grossed)?
MJ: Yup.
MR: Hm. It sucks that I died in the first one.
MJ: Yup.
MR: You think there's some way (your husband, the director and writer of the series) Paul could, I don't know, write me back in? Like as a clone or something?
MJ: Sure.
MR: Cool. Oh, and can I kick the living shit out of everything?
MJ: ...
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