5.10.10
3:33 pm
Yes.
Everybody can bite my fucking bag.
I had a dream in which I visited this guy (Kevin Coolridge? Cooridge? from Fringe) and he had a monkey.
I played with the monkey and it liked me.
It was excellent.
Before I dreamed I played with a monkey, I watched The Informant!.
It was as excellent as playing with the monkey.
Matt Damon did a great job at not doing his usual thing.
His little mental asides were brilliant, and, as every review mentioned, the music added an element of whimsy and fun.
Funny funn funn.
After I watched The Informant! but before I dreamed about playing with the monkey, I started to replay Uncharted 2 on Hard.
*sigh*
Is reading this as enthralling as writing this?
I'd imagine not.
This is probably like Ringu, but you die immediately and of boredom.
Would anyone like a cookie?
It has crumbly bits of butter toffee in it.
YOU like butter toffee, right?
Not quite Butter Tarts©®, I know, but only a few steps removed...
You sure?
No cookie?
Cookie cookie?
Wanty cookie?
Likey cookie?
Nummy nummy?
Bitey bitey?
Perhaps later then.
You just let me know, although I can't guarantee that there will be any cookies left.
This could be a "now or never" situation we're facing here.
Not sure though.
I suppose I could make some more, but not if you aren't going to wanty them either.
You should make your mind up now.
You either enjoy a cookie now, or you don't get one later.
This is quite a conundrum.
A Cookie Conundrum ©®.
That sounds like an awful British board game from 1978.
It was used to punish children and the au pairs looking after them as well.
Made by horrible, dry, British demons.
Evil John Cleeses.
But, back to the cookie.
If you're thinking about SAYING you want one now and just HOLDING ON TO IT for later, it won't work.
It won't.
Because there are ants poised and ready to DISSOLVE this thing in a matter of seconds if you do not.
Not that you won't have time to savor it.
You will.
You'll have time to savor the flavor.
Savor The Flavor©®.
Not much, but you will have enough.
I promise you.
Trust me.
I will allow you ample savoring time.
Butter toffee and chocolate.
Did I mention the chocolate before?
...
Hm.
No...
No!
It appears I did not.
Silly of me.
I have this bunch of selling points and I hardly speak of them at all.
Silly...
Butter toffee, chocolate, crème (not "cream", that fucking bullshit), almond shavings, hairbrush, trapeze.
Other words.
Oh how you'll enjoy this cookie!!
If you eat it now.
If not?
Dust in the wind.
Like an awful song from the 70's, the cookie will be gone forever except on collections of awful songs and cookies from the 70's.
The songs, not the cookies.
The cookies are from now, the songs from the 70's, but they will all be awful.
Like shit cookies and "Horse With No Name".
Both awful, but one from the 70's and one from now.
I am glad John Denver is dead.
I won't say these things are connected, I won't, but John Denver did not want a cookie either.
And now he is DEAD.
Sunshine on his shoulder made him happy.
Sunshine on his shoulder made ME unhappy.
And now?
He's dead and I'm not.
So what does that tell you?
Something.
Something important.
You must glean, discern, figger out this something.
And when you do, you will want that cookie.
Take it, take the cookie, TAKE IT.
Do I need this?
I'll remember your face.
4:55 pm
Anyway.
Finally watched "Aliens: Resurrection" this weekend.
Man what a different movie...
It's pretty obvious they intended the series to end with the third one, you know, based on the fact that Ripley dies, but I'm still glad they made this one.
Directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, City of Lost Children and Amelie) and written by Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly and Dollhouse) this is SUCH a goddamn weird movie.
It is EXACTLY what you'd expect from a movie done by these two guys.
Whedon brings pithy one-liners (way out of character for Ripley) and the flipping of established series tenets and Jeunet brings dynamic cameras and a prevalent air of quirkiness to an sci-fi horror movie.
He also brings Ron Perlman and Dominique Pinon.
Again, I cannot stress how much this movie is the perfect hybrid of these two guys.
Christina was interested for a bit then started laughing (there are some funny moments) and then informed me that, if she fell asleep, I was to finish it because she had no interest.
This movie is nowhere near as dramatic and serious as the first three, but it's interesting as hell to see it.
Sadly, I can see why some people might have been distracted from the plot by the French midget and Ripley playing keep away with a bunch of Space Pirates (think the crew of the Serenity but rougher and with more bad language...Ron Perlman IS Jane from Firefly, except he says 'fuck' A LOT more often) on a basketball court.
The plot itself is sort of interesting: they clone Ripley from stuff left over from the prison planet in hopes of getting the Queen that was in her as well and it works.
And the Government starts making aliens and, huh, things go bad.
That's something that always bugged me about the later movies: the Company KNOWS how dangerous they are because they want them so badly, but they are NEVER prepared for them.
Granted, in this one they have the aliens in a pretty well designed cage, they are unable to smash their way out so (using intelligence rather than instinct, thanks to being part human because f the cloning process) two aliens kill a third in order to use its acid blood to melt through the floor.
THAT was unexpected, BUT, if you are going to try to weaponize these things, you have to be prepared for things like this!
Don't lock these things up together first of all and don't make the walls solid and the floor and ceiling cardboard!
Think ahead!
You know why I've never had a problem watching the Company or Government guys get mulched?
A. Because they never had a truly likeable/relatable/not-a-shit-ass character among their ranks and B. because they are fucking idiots.
You know these things lay eggs by going through your mouth, how about some fucking face armor?
That would cut these things off at the source!
And if you're going to imprison them?
Take a minute to look at them!
THEIR BLOOD IS ACID!
YOU KNOW THIS!
One nick and they burn through the floor and they're everyone's problem.
Apparently, in the future, technology AND hubris are advanced.
The big change up, aside from the intelligence these aliens are now possessed with, is that the Queen from Ripley's tum tum no longer needs to make eggs, but can birth live, grown aliens.
She does so and it is a horrific alien/human hybrid which looks pretty okay.
Oh, Ripley is also altered by the long gestation and cloning process and she is now...well, River (from Firefly), but more talkative.
And her blood is slightly acidic as well.
In the end, for once, the alien doesn't win in some sense and the remaining Space Pirates return to Earth where Ripley gets to start over, probably.
I guess we'll never know.
One thing is certain though: THERE IS NO REASON TO REMAKE ANY OF THESE MOVIES!
NO RE-BOOT, NO NOTHING!
The first three are rock goddamn solid and the fourth is an interesting enough oddity that it should be left alone.
NOTHING Hollywood could do would actually improve these (unlike Karate Kid which has always sucked).
Let them be.
Now, the hard part...I have watched all four movies, but that leaves FIVE discs of bonus stuff untouched.
Wait.
What the hell is hard about that?
I'm never going to watch them.
Maybe the hard part is accepting the fact that I'll never watch them?
Hm.
That isn't really all that hard though...
Well, I suppose there is no hard part.
For the first time ever, there is no hard part.
Praise Jebus.
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