5.17.10
Or Aliens Versus Predator Also Known As Paul W. S. Anderson Versus Computer Generated Images
Yes.
Although I had seen AVP with Phil and Jen and maybe someone else when it came out, I remembered only the stupid joke about "la luna del
You know, it wasn't even a joke, it was just horrible foreshadowing.
Basically, these two caricatures are riding along at night to some dig in Antarctica and the Italian guy looks out the window at the moon and says, "Ah back-ah home-ah when-ah dee mooon-ah was-ah SO beeg-ah, dey used to-ah call it 'la loona dey cacciatore!!!'".
Dr. Luigi "Giovanni" Mario then goes on to tell her that means "the hunter's moon"*.
Then they laugh and laugh...
Anyway, the movie is actually not as horrible as I made it out to be in my memory.
At least not until about three quarters of the way through.
To sum it up: the Predators have been using this area of the Earth as an Aliens hunting resort every hundred years or so (and I love that Earth actually plays such a small role).
They have a Queen in captivity who lays eggs and then the people go to this temple (which is part Aztec, part Egyptian, part Cambodian and part CUBE) and get Alien Throat Fucked.
Then they birth the Aliens (by the way, since the first movie, the time between facehugging and chestbursting has gone from hours to minutes it seems) and three Predators go a huntin'.
But this time there's people.
Uh oh.
One of those people is the Weyland (Charles Bishop Weyland) that "the Company" from the Aliens movies is named after, played by the actor who played Bishop, creating a major plot hole for later.
Thanks Paul W. S. Anderson.
Have some more initials.
What happens is pretty much what I would think would happen for a while: the Aliens go nuts and kill everybody and the Predators kill the Aliens and all humans with weapons who try to hurt them.
There is some total fan boy jizz moments when the one surviving Predator and this Alien are just beating the shit out of one another, but the CG kept getting in the way.
They still had models for the close ups and they looked better than ever, but the CG looked just awful.
And it was everywhere.
So anyway, everyone dies but the Strong Black Woman who figures out that the Predator only wants his special huntin' gun back.
She gives it to him and he doesn't kill her and that makes sense.
Now.
Here is where the problems begin.
Rather than taking his weapon and leaving her to her Strong Back fate, THEY TEAM UP after the SBW accidentally kills an Alien.
BUT, before they start their team up, initiated by the SBW telling the lone Predator "I'm coming with you", the Praetor MAKES THE SBW A SHIELD OUT OF THE DEAD ALIEN'S SKULL AND A SPEAR OUT OF ITS TAIL.
Or so Paul W. S. Anderson thinks.
Then the Predator uses his nuclear slap bracelet to blow the holy hell out of all the Aliens but one to which the SBW says, "You are one ugly mother--!" before shooting it with a shotgun.
It was the epitome of what was wrong with this movie.
It went from a passable if CGI heavy fan boy romp to a crappy buddy/action flick.
She's a stereotype, he's an intergalactic hunter...together they are...wieners.
Anyway, the holy hell gets blown out of the Aliens and, after a touching moment (thank Christ the Predator can't speak) where the Predator gives the SBW a "hunter's mark" by branding her cheek with Alien blood (which would NOT leave a slightly disfiguring scar as it did, but rather burn through to her skin, skull, brain and out the other side) the Queen bursts forth from the ground and the final fight begins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, a side note: all the animations for the Queen were taken from the T-Rex from Jurassic Park
Do a comparison and then laugh and laugh...
Aliens lose, dead Predator gets picked up by the Mothership, SBW receives Spear of Toughness from Master Dreadlocks and is then left to die wearing a t-shirt and snow pants in the Antarctic weather.
The last shot is the corpse of the Predator birthing the coolest thing ever (in theory): The Pralien.
Not to be confused with a praline.
I plan to watch the next movie "AVP Requiem" (which involves...Mozart and/or ass-to-ass, I'm not 100% on that...) despite my conscious mind telling me it's going to blow asscock.
Again, this was NOT an awful movie until the Predator teamed up with the Strong Black Woman.
Maybe if she had been Batman would I have believed it, but no, she was not Batman.
Not even Robin.
I'll let you know.
In other news, I got me a new keyboard, this one with MIDI interfacing capabilities.
W00t.
The one song I was working on has been put on hold while the other song I'm working on just blossomed out of me last night, mostly with the help of a program called AudioMulch.
It has patches and knobs and a whole buncha shit I have no clue about, but we'll learn together, you and I.
Yes we shall.
This song...well, it might even be done tonight if I can manage to pull both my thumbs out.
It sounds much different than anything I've ever done.
Most of it anyway.
It's certainly not my best, but it's something I had to do.
And I am happy with it.
*After the movie, we went to an Italian restaurant and asked the waiter, an old Italian gentleman, what 'la luna de cacciatore' means. He said it meant 'the shoemaker's moon'.
No comments:
Post a Comment