The Fuckest Upest

8.18.10

4:42 pm

Jumping right the hell in.

Nothing.

NOTHING in the world could have prepared me for Cube Zero...

It wasn't shit.

At least not compared to Cube and Hypercube.

It was still pretty bad on its own with a plothole or two that really can't be ignored, but not nearly as apocalyptically shitty as I had expected.

Way to go, Ernie Bambaras or whatever your name is.

One or two of the actors could actually act.

It was....weird.

And there was a really fun, if slightly over the top, character that showed up at one point.

I would certainly not recommend this to anyone.

Now, the important stuff: how the hell do I gain a sense of objectivity with regards to my five favorite bands?

Or anything I gush over, for that matter?

Do I read reviews and compare notes?

Do I assume that no one gives a shit about the things I give a shit about as much as I give a shit about them?

What about people who are MORE into the stuff I'm into than me?

What the fuck?

Example: I own all of They Might Be Giants' albums and have seen them about 50 times since 1998.

FIFTY times in twelve years.

That's a lot, right?

But what about the person who has seen them fifty times in eight years?

Or fifty times in a year?

Or fifty times in six months?

I suppose the word "relatively" will crop up here, a la, I am a big fan on my own, but a relatively small one compared to those people who have seen them hundreds of times.

But what about regular people?

I have brought a few people who weren't huge TMBG fans to TMBG shows and, unless they were just lying to not hurt my feelings, they enjoyed themselves.

Bottom line: How good is the music I'm listening to?

I'm almost one hundred percent certain that the answer, for all five bands and most of the other stuff, is "not nearly as good as I'd like to think".

Otherwise more people would like them, right?

The shows would be in bigger venues, the songs would be played on the radio more, the tickets would cost more, the albums would leak earlier, there'd be more merch, right?

Thing is, I can pretty much envision what I'd do with the answers I seek; most likely I'd shrug, think, "well, that's your opinion" and listen to "The Fragile" for the three thousandth time.

Hm.

Segueing nicely from that line of jibbering...for some reason, the new Eels has leaked yet.

I swung over to Amazon and found they had thirty second clips from each song up there, so I figured, "I'm obsessed, let's do this" and I checked them out.

This is going to be the most varied of the three albums, sonically, but as far as lyrically, I think we might still be looking at some straightforward stuff.

Oh well.

Three albums in less than two years though?

Gift horse, let's skip the dentist and get you some cotton candy.

And, as I've said, it isn't like these are shit; they aren't my favorites, especially "End Times", but there's great stuff scattered here and there.

About a month until they come to NYC.

No one got tickets so I'm going it alone.

I hate that.

So goddamn boring, but at least E always finds really weird substitutes for openers.

Apparently, at their first gig on this tour, he hired a really awful ventriloquist.

THAT is an exciting prospect.

I suppose we'll see.

I have stuck to my promise about not seeking out setlists or bootlegs until after I've seen them.

And speaking of seeing them: Cake is coming in about three weeks and those cranky eco-fags haven't put out the fucking album they're meant to be promoting.

I have to wonder if they left their record label or if they were kicked off it.

I could honestly see them leaving because the company refused to print their CDs on papyrus or something.

Honestly, Britney Spears switching to carbon free CDs would have an impact, like it or not, she sells millions of the things, but Cake?

What do they sell, like 100,000 CDs every decade?

You aren't important enough to change anything, Cake, you might as well make the music and distribute it before all your fans have lost interest.

Which probably won't happen.

They sold out Terminal 5 last year.

And I don't really think people would join me in boycotting a band for being too whiny and trying to be less harmful to the environment.

Then again, what do you think is more important to Cake fans, the planet or Cake's music?

Be honest.

If not with me, then at least with yourselves.

Had an audition that was an excellent opportunity for massive exposure and a nice piece of money today, but I don't have very high hopes.

Why?

Just because.

I'll let you know though.

And then there's Philip, out there somewhere being eaten by wolves.

Will and I were discussing the fact that he was probably totally unprepared for this camping/hiking trip, bringing such food items as a cheese wheel, but, then again, a wolf or bear or puma attacking you will probably go after a cheese wheel before going after freeze-dried tomato paste and you.

So, well played, Mr. Tucker, well played.

We all look forward to your safe return.

And also your purchasing of tickets to New Mexico.

And remember to renew your passport(s) before you go to the airport to leave for Colombia.

You stupid bastard.

Bring me back a pelt.

Bring us all back a pelt.

Gaijin Frog

8.16.10

7:02 pm

This weekend, I watched both Cube (1997) and the sequel, Cube 2: Hypercube.

Now, most people would have thought that adding "hyper" tot he name of as movie for its sequel would be stupid.

In 99.9% of such occurrences, it is, but, as I'm sure a few people know, a hypercube is a real thing.

Theoretically speaking.

It's also called a tesseract.

It's basically a fourth dimensional cube.

Just look it up.

Anyway, I always remembered the acting in Cube to have been over the top, ridiculously so.

The idiot savant character who hoots and wails occasionally is the most subtle actor in it.

Everyone else is screaming for no reason or brooding or glaring or other such things along those lines.

They are not very good actors.

WHICH SUCKS because the idea of Cube is awesome.

I know it's only been 13 years, but I'd like to see a remake with some good practical effects, some good actors and a modicum of subtle CGI.

The sets are easy as fuck, you have two different rooms that people move into and out of merely lit differently.

It would actually be a nice challenge for a director who is known for big or flashy sets.

Like Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg should direct the remake of Cube.

You heard it hear first.

Also, the music, what there was of it, was awful.

There was a repeated "theme" of someone whispering backwards and then, as percussion, someone saying, "ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta".

Yeah.

Again, great, interesting premise that should have been sold to a company with some money.

Next up was Hypercube.

Again, REALLY interesting concept, carried out horribly by shitty actors.

In the first one, these people were trapped in a massive cube made up of identical rooms, some traps, some not, with doors on each side leading into the next room. It was implied that this was some government experiment in fucking with people.

And it worked.

But in the second one, it was more of a mind fuck because these eight terrible actors were trapped in a theoretical construct. And yes, there were alternate realities.

As in, these people would run into themselves in some horrible situation because this place was looping back on itself with probabilities and that.

It was a fun idea, botched horribly by a parade of stereotypes.

Including:

• The "Hot" Girl (C-list hot girls are anything but)...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!
• The Dorky Smart Guy (they actually had him wearing glasses and a sweater vest over a tucked in blue Oxford button down shirt)
• The Rough-and-Tumble Private Eye (played by the guy from "Forever Knight", proving once and for all that just because you're the star of your own television show, you might still have to do a C-lister film shot in Canada someday)
• The Hacker/Slacker (He was wearing a flannel, jeans and said "No way man!" about 18 times)
• The Peacekeeping Heroine...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Crazy Old Lady...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Blind Girl...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Guy Directly Involved With The Project Who Has All The Answers Who Dies In The First Three Minutes, After A Stunningly Awkward Reference To The First Movie.

All the rooms looked exactly the same this time and the traps were a lot more...well, mathy than before.

At the end, the structure (because it was theoretical, remember) collapses on itself and everyone dies of old age but one character who, after her twist, turns out to have been working for the makers of the hypercube the whole time.

The next movie arriving from Netflix tomorrow?

Cube Zero.

The prequel.

Finally, I'll get some answers.

Oh I hope they have little hidden references to the other two films...

Hey, Hollywood, REMAKE THIS! NOT YOGI BEAR! YOU FUCKS!

Don't worry everyone, once I arrive there, it's the first meeting I'll have.

And the cube will be narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Aside from gleaming the ice this weekend, I played the holy hell out of Scott Pilgrim vs.. The World: The Game.

Such memories of time spent with Simrall playing the holy hell out of Streets of Rage 2...

Good times.

And, like the movie, Brian Lee O'Malley (creator of Scott Pilgrim) was creative consultant, so while the game is, for the most part, a video game version of the books, there are some wonderful video game tropes that get thrown in.

Just lovely.

Certainly worth ten measly dollars.

Now I just need someone to play co-op with me.

It's local like the old school TMNT and X-Men arcade games, so, I need you to be there...

Hm.

Really no one except Colin that I know of would have any interest.

Hm.

Bummer.

Also, I had an excellent dream in which I hung out with Bowie at his house.

Not his real one, the one that I imagine he lives in.

The one I imagine him living in is MUCH cooler than any brownstone in the Village, by the by.

Finally, Will...did you get that...thing I sentcha?

Seriously, if it's not there by the end of the week, it's time for me to make some phone calls...

The Wrath of Flare

Tracked down an interview with Abrams where they actually asked him about the lens flares.

"I'm curious to hear more about why you decided to use so many lens flares, and exactly when you decided to use them?
[Smiles] I don't know what you're talking about. [Laughs] I'm kidding. I know what you're saying with the lens flares. It was one of those things... I wanted a visual system that felt unique. I know there are certain shots where even I watch and think, "Oh that's ridiculous, that was too many." But I love the idea that the future was so bright it couldn't be contained in the frame.
The flares weren't just happening from on-camera light sources, they were happening off camera, and that was really the key to it. I want [to create] the sense that, just off camera, something spectacular is happening. There was always a sense of something, and also there is a really cool organic layer thats a quality of it. They were all done live, they weren't added later. There are something about those flares, especially in a movie that can potentially be very sterile and CG and overly controlled. There is something incredibly unpredictable and gorgeous about them. It is a really fun thing. Our DP would be off camera with this incredibly powerful flashlight aiming it at the lens. It became an art because different lenses required angles, and different proximity to the lens. Sometimes, when we were outside we'd use mirrors. Certain sizes were too big... literally, it was ridiculous. It was like another actor in the scene....
We had two cameras, so sometimes we had two different spotlight operators. When there was atmosphere in the room, you had to be really careful because you could see the beams. So it was this ridiculous, added level of pain in the ass, but I love... [looking at] the final cut, [the flares] to me, were a fun additional touch that I think, while overdone, in some places, it feels like the future is that bright."
Okay.
1. They aren't unique, they're annoying student film accidents that arty fucks have SOMEHOW managed to convince the masses are "indie".
2. So...there aren't any dimmer switches in the future? Suck.
3. Silly filmmaker, the spectacular thing should be happening ON camera! Silly duck!
4. ...two people shining spotlights into the cameras...you paid...TWO people to shine spotlights into the cameras...I...I honestly can't even find something stupid to say about that because ALL THE STUPID THERE IS WAS USED UP BY THAT FACT. You dick.

Anyway, I feel satisfied that it wasn't just me and infuriated by the fact that this wangtree thought t was a "fun" addition.
Now I'm done.

A Quick Aside

My friend Will asked me if I had heard anything good about the Amanda Palmer covering Radiohead with nothing but a ukulele album.
Personally, I have problems with her.
I've met her a few times and, even before she "blew up" by opening for NIN, she came off as a superungrateful bitch.
Yes, that has colored the following response, but not by much.
I also hate the fact that she is now associated with Neil Gaiman.
I hope her hands fall off.
Anyway, here's the aforementioned response:

"WILL.
I have just downloaded that Amanda Palmer thing you asked about out of a sense of vague, morbid curiosity.
I listened to about ten seconds of one song and have this to report:
It is garbage.
It's unlistenable caterwauling.
It's isn't worth $ .84 which shouldn't be a problem because I don't have a clue why anyone would want to hear it.
It will make you want to contact Thom Yorke and have him sue her.
She is awful.
And her voice, unaccompanied by anything but a uke?
I'd rather hear all my thoughts spoken by a combination of L'il Marky and HST at his trilliest.
Avoid like International Diarrhea.
And FYI, I illegally downloaded it.
That's right, I wouldn't waste the price of half a cup of coffee at Starbucks on this trash.
Amanda, you are a howling toad hog."

Live Long and Lens Flare

8.13.10

6:01 pm

How come nobody ever dressed up like Jason Voorhees* on Friday the 13th and just gets nuts with a machete?

Seems like a waste of...something.

Not sure what, but a waste nonetheless.

I get this vague feeling of loss when I think about it.

Hm.

Anypoo, last night I watched The Shawshank Redemption for the first time in a while.

Might have mentioned this before, but I believe it's one of my favorite movies of all time.

There is NOTHING wrong with it.

It's, to me anyway, the perfect film.

Every actor, every character, everything.

And yes, I understand there are a few cozy coincidences, such as the walls being made of dust, the main character getting a corner cell, the outside wall of the cell overlooking a pipe just the right size for him to squeeze out through and that wonderfully well-timed thunderstorm happening at just the right moment in the character's arc, but, fuck you.

It's perfect.

I don't care how much of an asshole Tim Robbins is in real life, he's earned it.

If I were him and someone started calling me a prima donna or whatever horribly barbed insult people are hurling at actors these days, I would just yell, "Have you even seen Shawshank Redemption?!"

Seriously, it would be my Hollywood Get-Out-Of-Jail Free card.

For instance, Christian Bale, while a very good actor, hasn't had a Shawshank Redemption (and his Batman voice is a bit silly), and therefore has no right to throw his grandmother down a flight of stairs or scream at the lighting guy or whatever.

Not yet.

But if Tim Robbins did that?

Shit, people would be like, "Why is the lighting guy fucking with him? Hasn't he seen Shawshank Redemption?" and "Why is his grandmother being such an unreasonable bitch? Remember when he has to crawl through that shit tunnel?"

And Morgan Freeman?

Do NOT get me started about THIS motherfucker.

His voice is like a warm hug from a creature made from velvet and fresh apple pie smell.

Listening to him is like drowning in a sea of friendly rabbits.

But he can be stern as well.

I wonder if his grandchildren realize how fucking lucky they are when Pop Pop Morgan comes to read them a bed time story.

Probably not.

Little assholes.

And those are just the two main characters.

Clancy Brown as Byron Hadley, the head guard?

God damn that man can play evil.

Not only is he Lex fucking Luthor, but the Kurgan? The evil priest from Carivale? Shit, nig, this man is like the Wu Tang Clan,  NOT to be fucked with.

He beat that fat guy to death for NO reason.

OG, motherfucker, OG.

And the Warden?

Man, cold as ICE, bitch!

He put Tim Robbins in solitary for TWO MONTHS after killing his son figure AND his only way out of a life sentence?!

Suicide was too good for that dickbag.

At least he appeared religious so that's some tasty irony.

Dickbag.

But, again, that's just four characters, while none of the others are quite  as featured or important, they all do a great job.

Hello, William Sadler?

Jeffery DeMunn?

That fucking guy they got to play Elmo Blatch?! He was on screen for about one minute, but his performance is so...chilling!

God!

If you haven't seen this movie in a while, buy it and watch it again.

If you've never seen it?

Seriously, what the fuck?

How are you breathing?

I'll buy you a pack of gum and show you how to chew it! Whoo!

Like Andy DeFrane says, "You gotta get busy living or get busy dying."

And if you haven't seen this movie, you are dying.

You.

Right now.

Are DYING.

And, tying everything back into the title of this little oil slick, I also watched J.J. Abrams' Star Trek last night.

I have never seen an episode of Star Trek in my life.

I know, through the myriad of pop culture references and parodies through the years, more than enough to understand the plot and get the more basic fan nods.

Kirk is a bar brawlin' devil-may-care punk ass, McCoy is gruff and says, "Damn it, ______! I'm a doctor, not a ______!", Spock is into logic and everyone else is a minority (Russian, Chinese, Scottish etc.).

These were enough to find this film massively enjoyable.

The casting of Zachery Quinto as Spock was at once both inspired and obvious.

Inspired if you've never seen Heroes, obvious if you have.

Kirk, Sulu, Ohura and Chekov?

Whatever, I'm sure fan boys cared more than me.

But Simon Pegg as the angry Scotsman?

Very tasty.

And the plot?

Meh, it's a big summer movie centering around the Many Worlds Theorem.

Big whoop.

Not bad, not G.I. Joe or Transformers or anything, but it kind of made me want to watch BSG again.

All in all, a tight, fun, well done movie.

Except for the lens flares.

Here is when to use a lens flare:

1. When you need to sort of cover the identity of someone with the sun behind their head.

Other than that?

You don't put them into a film.

And I'm not just talking about the action sequences, with the lasers and explosions, I'm talking about the quiet-talk-in-a-dimly-lit-room scene, the emotional-moment-in-a-stopped-elevator scene, the IN-A-DARK-UNDERGROUND-CAVE SCENE.

There was not ONE scene I can remember where I wasn't squinting at the screen because of these goddamn things.

I felt like someone was sitting behind my television with a fucking Mag Lite having a seizure.

J.J., what in the FUCK were you trying to achieve?

Can someone seriously find me an interview or an article?

I've seen his other stuff, namely, Lost, Cloverfield and Fringe.

No abundance of flares in either Cloverfield or Lost that I can recall.

In Fringe there are some here and there (usually when there's, you know, a visible light source), but not anywhere near as aggressively, distractingly in your face as in Star Trek. 

There was a fist fight between Spock and Kirk and it looked like it took place at a fucking rave.

I didn't know who'd won until someone straight up fucking said, "Spock, that's enough, you've won."

It sounds like a small thing, but it actually ended up taking me out of the movie.

Based on the fact that there was none of this bullshit in his early work, some in Fringe and a fuckton in Star Trek, I'm assuming Super 8 is going to be primarily a strobe light pointed at a camera with occasional CGI Lovecraft monsters tossed in every 23 minutes**.

Anyway.

I'll gladly see the sequel, maybe while wearing blinders or something.

Tomorrow, I am Brunching with B.J., Lisa and B.J.'s lady friend and maybe some other random person.

Then, perhaps more sleep as today was a hell of a busy one for me with two auditions (both more worthless than used toilet paper), broken sleep and a solid shift from 4:30 to 11.

I know I don't DO anything, but that can really take it out of you, yeah?

Might also see Scott Pilgrim for money this time.

I'll be happy to pay for it as I have recently TOTAL immersed myself in the world of this work.

After seeing the movie, I read the books, downloaded the soundtrack AND score (mostly Nigel Godrich doing original stuff on the latter, most of it pretty great) and, as of last night, I own the video game, which is a total old school gas.

The Onion reviewed the movie and gave it a C+, saying that it's hollow, great moment to moment, but unsatisfying as a whole, but fuck them.

They aren't always right because they're snarky.

I almost think might have given it a shit score because it's too much of an Onion movie and people were probably expecting a big, sloppy kiss from the review. 

Whatever, it's fun as hell and as stylish as any Edgar Wright work, maybe more so.

Go see it.

It'll dangle your bangle xmax, I promise you.

And finally, I was between books, just having finishing Anno Dracula, which was given to me by Christina.

Enjoyable, but I found it got a bit bogged down by all the historical accuracy. If misused, historical accuracy can be more harmful as a badly placed library research chapter.

I had read a few pages of Will Shetterly's Cats Have No Lord because Chris rants about the man and he makes a mean vegetarian frittata, but, after only a few pages I was having second thoughts.

I floated around, bookless for a day or so, then had an urge to re-read Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas.

Man, what a romp.

If even half these things are true...just, man, what a romp.

I think the closest thing I've done to "running a savage burn" on a hotel was leaving a letter addressed to John"The Smuggler" Linnell at the front desk of the Trump Plaza, then taking the elevator up to the 16th floor and running down the fire stairs before I was caught.

Will will back me up.

We were two wild and crazy guys.

Or the time I refused to pay the eight dollar fine or whatever to sign Will and Phil into my dorm after 11pm (a jerk off rule if ever there was one) so we wandered around New York City from midnight to six, asking a magazine guy which was the most popular porno mag (Latin Inches, mostly purchased by "happy men"), getting sort of mugged by a scrawny black dude in front of where the ESPN Zone would someday be and sitting under the Citicorp building, just existing.

Not quite kidnapping a teenager, filling her full of acid and then dropping her off a some random hotel, but fun.

It's quite astounding to see how much of the book, verbatim, appears in the movie.

I'm probably going to watch that again after I finish the book.

You actually know what the fuck is happening in the movie after you've read the book.

It's like a Bablefish.

All right.

I'm gonna go fondue with cheddar. 

*"Voorhees" was in Spell Check. Way to go, Microsoft.

** You vigintitresologist fuck knob, you.

NOW We Know

8.11.10

4:02 pm

I am loving my new set up.

So, you know how I just left my mattress on the living room floor Saturday night?

Well, it's still there and I'm digging the hell out my new set up..

It's cooler in the living room, the floor is better for my back and I can eat, watch stuff, play stuff and sleep ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!!!

I am now a squatter in my own home.

Also I may be becoming agoraphobic.

Or veal.

Anyway.

One of the things I was watching was a British sketch comedy show called That Mitchell and Webb Look. It stars the two guys who write and star in Peep Show, David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

It's unlike a lot of sketch shows I've seen because the sketches are, for the most part, short, so you get a lot more out of an episode.

I believe my favorite sketch is The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

In a nutshell, it's Robert Webb with one of those camera rigs from "Requiem for a Dream" that keeps the wearer dead center while everything around him is spinning and whirling about.

He plays this insane hobo type guy.

There's no way my description does it justice.

You should just check it out.

I watched the whole first season in one sitting Monday night, then I downloaded the second and third (they are airing the fourth now). While I was looking for it, I found something called That Mitchell and Webb Sound (as well as a book called, yes, This Mitchell and Webb Book), which is a radio show adaptation of the TV show with about 90% new stuff and 10% of stuff from the show, just redone.

That is another thing I love about the BBC.

If something is good, it goes multimedia.

Books and radio as well as television.

These people still have an interest and respect for radio that the U.S. is sorely lacking.

Radio in the U.S sucks donkey cock.

But Little Britain, Mighty Boosh, TMAWL and other Brit-Coms all have radio shows based on their TV shows.

I love that.

Fucking Yanks.

I really do think I should just move to the UK and become Mr. Radio.

But I'm uncomfortable around Stonehenge.

And Crouch End.
Here is a taste of That Mitchell and Webb Look: Now We Know

Finally, last night I came home to find the PlayStation Store had updated (as it does every Tuesday) with something called "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: The Game".

On the occasion of the Watchmen movie and the Kick-Ass movie, they also released downloadable games based on each.

Watchmen was fun for a bit, then got reeeally repetitive and Kick-Ass was just a piece of shit.

So my hopes we low for Scott Pilgrim, which made me sad because the books had a lot of character and the movie had character gushing from every orifice, and making a smaller video game out of that would be a perfect fit.

They had a demo up so I check it out and it blew my fucking mind.

It is the PERFECT adaptation for the books and movie.

Perfect.

It's a fully 8-bit, side-scrolling brawler with several elements of a class RPG (HP, XP, stats etc.).

It has characters, in-jokes and locations from the books.

It's honestly like an 1080p Nintendo game.

Ridiculous fun.

All for $10.

I have NEVER been this excited about a video game based on a movie based on a comic.

Planning on buying that this evening.

And playing it while sitting on my bed.

Anything else?

Waiting for Will's Birthday present to arrive.

Sure hope he likes dead panda bears.

Also waiting for Phil and Grace to buy their tickets to New Mexico.

Gotta send that book back...hm...

Having lunch with B.J. the Bruce this weekend.

Probably going to the Afterparty.

Need condoms.

Done.

I'm Getting An Erection

8.9.10

7:48 pm

This Saturday, Chris and I dragged our mattresses out to cover the living room floor, donned our "Camp Counselor circa 1980" costumes and opened our place to a scant few individuals.

Alan, Lisa, Danielle and Mel, to be specific.

As I am known to be.

We watched the 1979 Harold Ramis/Bill Murray joint "Meatballs" and then the 2002 David Wain/Michael Showalter joint "Wet Hot American Summer".

I had never seen all of "Meatballs" before and Christ is it worthless without Bill Murray.

Every shitty line is made gold by merely passing through his mouth.

Bless.

In the middle of "Meatballs", there was the inevitable moment where the two dorks are sneaking into the Ladies Dorm and watching the "do stuff".

In "Meatballs", the "stuff" was a bit odd.

There was one girl reading from a bodice ripper and other girls mockingly acting it out.

Nothing too sexy, but, nevertheless, the glasses nerd (as opposed to the "fat nerd") announces to his friend, "I'm getting a boner."

Okay.

Now.

I have heard this said and SAID this (jokingly) hundreds of times in my life, BUT Alan assures me that teenagers do, seriously and sincerely, say this to one another.

Why?

WHY?

Alan provided that they don't understand how awkward that actually is, but I have to disagree.

Why in the hell would you just turn to someone and inform them you have a boner?

Unless it's an attractive woman who has offered to play with it?

Or due, if you're into that.

But why would one straight male teenager say it to another?!

I'm mind blown here, folks.

Aside from that mini-aneurysm, everything else went fine.

AND I have actually left my mattress in the living room and slept there the past two days.

It's fun!

Like a sleepover in my own house!!!

I may just leave it there indefinitely, but who knows.

I think this is uninteresting.

I'm finished.

The Boondock Saints II: Poop In A Sock

8.4.10

4:20 pm

I'll allow a moment for anyone reading this to "smoke a fatty".

...

There we are.

Congrats.

In the summer of 1998, I was first introduced to "The Boondock Saints" by Will.

It was an excellently over-the-top stylish action movie full of hilarious and quotable characters.

Plus Willem Dafoe in, perhaps, one of his most frightening roles ever and Ron Jeremy in, perhaps, one of his most erotic roles ever.*

While the story wasn't anything people hadn't seen before, it was fun as hell.

The ending was a total cliffhanger and fans wanted the sequel NOW.**

When I got to college in 1999, I found out that Boondock Saints had become a fixture with 18-year old males.

The movie...was EVERYWHERE.

A room that didn't own at least one copy was instantly shunned.

And the sequel was nowhere to be seen, a mere whisper of a rumor of it being on the horizon eventually.

The writer/director/house band Troy Duffy had made a pretty good movie that had become an instant classic with the 18 to 25 crowd.

He began to believe, not only his own hype, but that he was a god amongst fools.

In 2003 a documentary was set to be made about him and how he was going to redefine the action genre, but he treated the people involved like shit to the point where they re-edited it and released it as "Overnight".

The film was mainly to show Troy Duffy burning up, not only all his Hollywood bridges, but also all his credibility and good will he'd accrued after the first flick and to cement the idea that Boondock Saints 2 was never going to be made.

People were bummed, but eventually, they forgot about Mr. Duffy's Wild Ride.

Over the next year or two, bits of plot or script or a web site would pop up proclaiming "Boondock Saints II: Second Coming...Coming Soon." 

It didn't.

Fast forward to a time when the people that would have cared about the sequel are now about eleven years older.

Troy Duffy writes, directs and does the entire soundtrack for (not just instrumental stuff; he and his band record songs FOR the scenes in the movie so they all sort of reflect or downright ADDRESS what you are seeing on the screen...it's goddamn horrible and probably the reason he made Boondock Saints in the first place, to drum up publicity for his shitty band) the sequel.

It makes a quiet fart sound and a bad smell that people ignore, then forget.

Last night, I put myself in a hot box with said fart smell.

And it was farty.

The biggest and most pronounced problem with "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day" is that it was made one decade after the first one rather than one year.

Well, the very biggest and most pronounced problem is that it was made, but, shut up.

I'd say the second biggest problem is that it was almost the exact same movie (same characters saying the same type of things, same here's-the-beginning-and-end-of-the-action-sequence-then-the-off-beat-but-really-smart-FBI-agent-tells-us-the-middle gimmick) but a parody of itself.

All the well done, just-over-the-top-enough-to-be-fun characters and dialogue from the first movie were blown so far out of proportion and so grossly exaggerated that there was seldom a conversation between two characters where they weren't both just shouting and waving their hands or slinging adolescent one-liners back and forth as if they were alone in the room.

Willem Dafoe was replaced with Dexter's girlfriend (from that show about the serial killer that kills serial killers on Showtime. I think it's called "Dagwood".) with a bad Southern accent.

Her character in a nutshell?

Here's a line: "Ah'm so smart Ah make smart people look fuckin' retarded."

Well met, Sir Duffy, well met.

Rocco was replaced (except for an utterly pointless jargon, catchphrase and cliché-filled dream sequence in which he and the brothers yell in unison about how manly they are and about being real men and things ain't what they used to be and other stuff taken directly from Denis Leary's stand up routine in the 90's while music from the first film plays in the background) by Clifton Clinton Jr. (looks like a combination of Harry Connick Jr., Robert Downey Jr. and a jackal), who is usually fun as hell and, God bless him, he did what he could with this soggy bag of feces, but he was literally just imitating Rocco's idiot behavior from the first movie.

The three detectives (who looked almost as ravaged by age as the brothers themselves) showed up, Fuck Ass showed up and the son of the mob guy they executed at the end of the first movie showed up...played by a potty-mouthed Judd Nelson.

Who looked kind of starving.

The whole thing was a predictable, parodic toilet romp until the last three minutes...in which Willem Dafoe comes back from the dead to sow the seeds of a global conspiracy...AND SET UP A SECOND MOTHERFUCKING SEQUEL.

That's right all you masochists, "The Boondock Saints III: There's A Hole In The Poop Sock And It's Getting Everywhere. Ugh, It's On My Hands And Everything. Oh Damn It, Some Of It Got In The Bean Dip, Damn It! I Need A Bunch Of Wet Paper Towels Now! Why On Earth Did I Ever Think It Would Be A Good Idea To Poop Into A Sock?!" is coming.

Hopefully after I'm dead.

But.

Here is how much of a Willem Dafoe fan I am.

I might see this movie.

Not in the theaters (unless the Scott Pilgrim fairies*** sprinkle some free ticket dust my way), but I would Netflix it a few years after its release, sure.

And if THAT isn't a ringing endorsement of BDS3: TAHITPSAIGEUIOMHAEODISOIGITBDDIINABOWPTNWOEDIETIWBAGITPIAS?!, I really don't know what is.

Switching plates, there is a shity new E interview on the Eels web site, and an excellent new Beck interview on the Beck web site.

There are far too many exclamation points in the E interview to be realistic so I'll chalk that shit up to Drowned In Sound or whoever the interviewer was.

It was also one of those interviews that tries to get "stylish" and blend the actual Q&A interview with factoids about the band.

The gist of the interview?

Eels have a new album coming out.

In more exciting Eels news, their live line up has been revealed as their first warm up gig happened last night at the Galaxy Theater in L.A.

Full five-piece band, featuring the Chet (multi-instrumentalist) and someone named P-Boo.

I have no idea what they play or if they are even a human, but I'm excited.

One other thing I took from the interview regarding live shows, he said to not have any expectations, meaning,that you shouldn't base the upcoming tour on an earlier tour.

In the past, I'd comb the internet for set lists and bootlegs, spoiling any surprises there might be sometimes months in advance, but this time, for the sake of my own personal enjoyment, I just might refrain.

Also, they released another track from the new album called "Baby Loves Me".

It's simple and direct, not great, but fun.

That's that.

On the other end of the interview spectrum, was the Beck interview with Pitchfork.

These guys asked him questions and he answered them.

He talked about how he did the music for Sex Bob-Omb (Scott Pilgrim's band in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World) in two days, inspired by Nigel Godrich printing massive blow ups from the graphic novels and hanging them up around the studio.

Impressive.

There's one song called "Garbage Man" or "Garbage Truck" or "I'll Be Your Garbage Man" that is pure, delicious Beck.

He also mentioned that he has a new album almost ready to go that might be out by the end of summer.

And now that he has no record label, he might just pop it up on his web site some day.

Score.

This man continually impresses and delights me.

Looking at my top five bands, I have to count myself incredibly lucky that none of them have broken up or OD'ed or started to suck.

I mean, aside from massive delays between albums because of addiction (Nine Inch Nails) or bullshit faggot**** eco-fuckery (Cake), they're still here and making music that ranges from good to excellent.

In the case of Beck with his recent spate of collaborations (Charlotte Gainsbourg, Wilco, Feist, Jamie Lidell, Thurston Moore, Tortoise, Bat for Lashes, St. Vincent, Liars, Devendra Banhart, MGMT, Tobacco, and Stephen Malkmus) and Eels three-albums-in-sixteen-months thing, M'yes, very lucky indeed. 

One last thing.

Today there is a new memo on the switchboard.

It was posted by Lady Grammar herself, my stuporvisor.

That's not a misspelling, that is what I refer to her as, as she is "stupid", yet my "supervisor".

Get it?

This is said memo, verbatim:

"WHEN USING THE CONSOLE TO PAGE'

WHEN PAGING PLEASE DIAL 3756 PRESS THE "EES" KEY

LOCATED @ THE TOP RIGHT CORNER OF

THE 'CONSOLE'

YOU WILL THEN ENTER THE NUMBER YOU

ARE PAGING AND FOLLOW THE PROMPTS.

I think my favorite part is the quotation marks around 'console'.

Right then, ta.

*Kidding.

**Meaning "then".

***I have now received a total of five invites to see this movie. Guys, I'm flattered, but spoken for.

****Meant to offend Cake, not homosexuals.

The Book of Road of Another Version of the Truth

8.3.10

4:25 pm

First off, watched Cormac McCarthy's The Road last night.

Whereas The Book of Eli was more comic book/stylish/action movie, The Road was more...we are gonna fucking die.

Dark shit.

Went along pretty well with the book, but for the addition of flashbacks to his wife and (sort of) how things got to be how they are.

A nice addition.

Nice job,

Nice, dark, dead job.

Moe importantly, Chris and I had our engagement/machete party last week.

A resounding success despite the lack of rooftop access (although I'm sure more people would have partook of the Chopping and been less Afraid if we'd had it) and a shorter than expected (five hours) duration.

We had a metric fuckton of people (that's 33 for all you non-mathematicians out there...like anybody that reads this isn't a mathematician...silly, silly me...) and it was delightful to see so many people that we usually don't.

This party has spurred us to want to have more and more frequently.

So, whip out your party hats, because hopefully, you'll be seeing a lot more of us.

Bill showed up and presented us will YET ANOTHER machete, this one was his father's and has actually been used to cut through vines and such in Burma and places like that.

It's a bit smaller than its Honduran cousins, but it's a fuck lot sharper too.

As in, you could die by touching it.

Our plan is to de-rust it (it's a leetle oxidized at the mo') and mount it with the others.

And then gut home invaders with it.

So, any home invaders out there?

Come on over and meet my little friend, Choppy III AKA Victor the Victorious.

We're naming our machetes now.

I've spent the last two nights rewatching Spaced, the British TV show written by Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson Heynes and directed by Edgar Wright.

These guys...boy oh boy, so glad they kept making stuff.

Jessica is just adorable.

Also hunted around (Google searched) and found a brand new teaser for the upcoming David Fincher movie, The Social Network, featuring brand new Reznor/Ross music.

As I thought, the music lends a slightly overdramatic feel to things.

This is going to be a really odd score for this movie, I think.

We'll see.

And speaking of Reznor, my Another Version Of The Truth Blu-Ray arrived today.

A little background.

A few years ago, Reznor leaked about 400GB of HD footage from their Lights In The Sky tour.

The original plan was to film a concert in 3D with James Cameron directing, but scheduling got fucked and the whole thing was abandoned.

This was a massive sad face for me and thousands of fans, because this tour was, by far, the most technically impressive, full of moving LED screens which used interactive, real-time elements during the show.

It would have made an incredible Blu-Ray release.

Anyway, some fans decided to take the 400GB (three whole shows worth of raw footage) and assemble a master edit, then release it, free (except for shipping) for anyone that wanted it.

After time there were torrents made available, then regular DVD's and then, finally, the Blu-Ray.

I got mine today.

Had a chance to pop it in a have a look.

These guys did a great job.

The ONLY problem I'd mention is the lack of professional editing.

Other than the occasional sloppy or odd edit, the thing looks amazing.

So, for $11 I got the professionally printed Blu-Ray of the leaked footage (called "The Gift"), a DVD of the last NIN show from that tour and a bonus disc with some pretty cool shit on it, all in a professionally printed package including artwork and some other dorky NIN fanboy goodies you would probably not care to hear about.

MAGIC MISSILE!!!!!

Magic Missile, indeed...

Anyway, now I'm planning a small (I can think of 8 people that might be interested) gathering to watch this tasty little biscuit at my place.

Should be fun.

Could that be it?

Well, I could mention that there's this dude here that believes Cool Water cologne doesn't smell like toilet cleaner or maybe he just has gangrene or massive halitosis and just pours the shit on every night before he gets here so he funks up the tiny, non-ventilated office I'm in so it stinks like the 80's whenever he shows up.

He smells awful and it makes me want to sob.

Maybe I'll bring Chris' respirator and see if he gets the point.

The point that he smells like a magazine insert.

Or maybe not.

He might be self conscious.

Of smelling horrible.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Funt.

7.28.10

3:48 pm

Yes.

YES.

Went with Colin to see "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" yesterday.

And it was absolutely excellent.

The style was palpable, the characters were oh just see the damn thing when it comes out.

The whole thing was a bag of fun monkeys.

And I'd never even heard of the comic.

I first heard of it on the Beck website because he was doing all the songs the band in the movie did, so, based on the really mundane shot they had on the Beck webs tie, I thought it was about a band, THEN Lisa mentioned it was a really nutty comic with a video game sensibility and I was interested, THEN I found out that Edgar Wright (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) was the director and I made a little poop in my pants.

Just a little, so you know it's there, yeah?

That's when I started getting the invites...

I was invited to a free screening on Thursday, July 1st, but because I was off from work that Friday and they get suuuper suspicious about things like that, I could go.

Then, I got ANOTHER invite for the day AFTER I got back from a three day vacation, and that's ALSO a no no.

I was sad foot sign.

Then, on Sunday night, I check my e-mail to find that Jeeeeezus, sent me a THIRD invite to see the movie.

Folks, whether or not you believe in Jeeeezus, you do NOT deny him a third time, that is...it's just bad form, si?

So I said, "Oh my Jeeeezus gonna be there!!", and RSVPed in the affirmative for the screening yesterday.

Now, the actor that I am, I can't just come into work all happy pappy and then call out, no, NO!

That would be a waste of my skillz (mad as they are) and, in my mind, make things look a little suspicious.

So.

Monday, I came in with a terrible headache, rubbing my temples, squinting at the light, things like that, subtle though, not going to people, shaking them and screaming, "Golly shit, what a head ache!! I have an ache in my head!! I might not be here tomorrow for the pain that is in my head!!", just, you know, subtle...yeah...

And, as far as anyone was paying any attention to me, it worked.

In fact, Oscar winner that I am, I'm still feeling like shit right now, as I type this, and won't be better until Thursday or maybe Friday.

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I ROLL.

Anyway, the movie.

Colin and I were probably ten years older than everyone else there and I was reminded of how much of a punk ass I was back then when I was at Fordham and going to these free screenings like three times a month, but whatever, my enthusiasm was matched by these little whipper snappers so fuck 'em.

The movie was a stylistic feast, creating the world perfectly.

Michael Cera was doing his Michael Cera thing for a while, but it seems like he actually got some fight training because he was doing quite a bit of the fighting.

I also decided that Michael Cera even looks a bit like Beck (I think it's his ability to mimic Beck blank stare and slightly slack jawed face).

The world was exaggerated and video games reference heavy, the music was perfectly matched for it and the "Sex Bob-Om" song "Garbage Man" is going t sound awesome sung by Beck.

The Culken in this is great, delightfully snarky as is pretty much everyone else in the cast.

After the movie, I went home a downloaded the whole comic to see how they line up.

The art is very simple and childish (they use some panels in the actual movie) and the dialogue (so far) is mostly right from the book, like verbatim.

Edgar Wright seems to have been called in to give life to the black and white drawings, to give it the personality that was flat on the page and, fuck dogs, he did it.

And, although he did a great job with it, no doubt, I'd still have liked him to do another written/directed Nick Frost/Simon Pegg project, but, beggars, choosers, Jeeezus.

What else.

Hm, just a lot of fun action stuff.

It's perfect for someone in their late 20's because of all the cultural reference stuff and perfect for people in their early 20's because it's Michael Cera and flashy and hip.

I'm going to see this again in theaters...maybe.

It is totally worth $13, but you know how it is with my cheapness.

Great movie, great great movie.

My most recent movie-going experiences have been unparalleled.

"Inception" and then this?

Jeeeezus.

Xmax.

Switching plates, we just purchased our tickets for our trip with Phil, Will, Lady and THE BLESSING a day or so ago.

Mucho stoke-o!!!

There's gonna be sand, folks, oh is there gonna be sand.

Honestly, I don't give a shit what we do.

I'm all about the company.

I do NOT want to do passive nature stuff.

Like fucking hiking.

"Hiking" is "walking on rocks".

Fuck that.

White water rafting?

THAT is some active nature shit.

I want to be in danger of DROWNING, not a goddamn heat rash or sweaty buttes.

I can swim just fine, I can't deal with sweating like a Nixon.

I'd also like to punch a mountain lion.

In the dick.

I'd yell "Cock Punch!!" and it would be great.

Yeah, great.

Alessandro Cortini (former NIN keyboardist, current NIN-collaborator) has a new solo project called SONOIO.

He's put out the first four tracks for free download.

They're all right.

Nothing to whip dicks about, but, you know I appreciate new music, especially from NIN-related people.

That has actually been quite a suffering for me.

As of a few months ago, all Onion kiosks were moved to BELOW 23rd street.

Which put a massive hitch in my usual Thursday plan of walking down to 85th and Lex to pick up my copy.

I usually check out their music reviews and listen to what they recommend.

True, I'll only dig maybe one in ten, but that's still a constant influx of new music.

Without the Onion, I am beginning to starve.

So, again, I appreciate the new AC solo project.

I hope good things come of it.

You're probably not, but, if you are interested, go to http://www.sonoio.org/ to check it out.

I's done.

Oh, and party in the night time this Saturday.

Fucking Roof Goblins have fucked us, so we're chopping shit in the kitchen.

We need a tarp...