Gaijin Frog

8.16.10

7:02 pm

This weekend, I watched both Cube (1997) and the sequel, Cube 2: Hypercube.

Now, most people would have thought that adding "hyper" tot he name of as movie for its sequel would be stupid.

In 99.9% of such occurrences, it is, but, as I'm sure a few people know, a hypercube is a real thing.

Theoretically speaking.

It's also called a tesseract.

It's basically a fourth dimensional cube.

Just look it up.

Anyway, I always remembered the acting in Cube to have been over the top, ridiculously so.

The idiot savant character who hoots and wails occasionally is the most subtle actor in it.

Everyone else is screaming for no reason or brooding or glaring or other such things along those lines.

They are not very good actors.

WHICH SUCKS because the idea of Cube is awesome.

I know it's only been 13 years, but I'd like to see a remake with some good practical effects, some good actors and a modicum of subtle CGI.

The sets are easy as fuck, you have two different rooms that people move into and out of merely lit differently.

It would actually be a nice challenge for a director who is known for big or flashy sets.

Like Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg should direct the remake of Cube.

You heard it hear first.

Also, the music, what there was of it, was awful.

There was a repeated "theme" of someone whispering backwards and then, as percussion, someone saying, "ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta".

Yeah.

Again, great, interesting premise that should have been sold to a company with some money.

Next up was Hypercube.

Again, REALLY interesting concept, carried out horribly by shitty actors.

In the first one, these people were trapped in a massive cube made up of identical rooms, some traps, some not, with doors on each side leading into the next room. It was implied that this was some government experiment in fucking with people.

And it worked.

But in the second one, it was more of a mind fuck because these eight terrible actors were trapped in a theoretical construct. And yes, there were alternate realities.

As in, these people would run into themselves in some horrible situation because this place was looping back on itself with probabilities and that.

It was a fun idea, botched horribly by a parade of stereotypes.

Including:

• The "Hot" Girl (C-list hot girls are anything but)...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!
• The Dorky Smart Guy (they actually had him wearing glasses and a sweater vest over a tucked in blue Oxford button down shirt)
• The Rough-and-Tumble Private Eye (played by the guy from "Forever Knight", proving once and for all that just because you're the star of your own television show, you might still have to do a C-lister film shot in Canada someday)
• The Hacker/Slacker (He was wearing a flannel, jeans and said "No way man!" about 18 times)
• The Peacekeeping Heroine...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Crazy Old Lady...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Blind Girl...WHO ISN'T WHAT SHE SEEMS!!!!!!!!
• The Guy Directly Involved With The Project Who Has All The Answers Who Dies In The First Three Minutes, After A Stunningly Awkward Reference To The First Movie.

All the rooms looked exactly the same this time and the traps were a lot more...well, mathy than before.

At the end, the structure (because it was theoretical, remember) collapses on itself and everyone dies of old age but one character who, after her twist, turns out to have been working for the makers of the hypercube the whole time.

The next movie arriving from Netflix tomorrow?

Cube Zero.

The prequel.

Finally, I'll get some answers.

Oh I hope they have little hidden references to the other two films...

Hey, Hollywood, REMAKE THIS! NOT YOGI BEAR! YOU FUCKS!

Don't worry everyone, once I arrive there, it's the first meeting I'll have.

And the cube will be narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Aside from gleaming the ice this weekend, I played the holy hell out of Scott Pilgrim vs.. The World: The Game.

Such memories of time spent with Simrall playing the holy hell out of Streets of Rage 2...

Good times.

And, like the movie, Brian Lee O'Malley (creator of Scott Pilgrim) was creative consultant, so while the game is, for the most part, a video game version of the books, there are some wonderful video game tropes that get thrown in.

Just lovely.

Certainly worth ten measly dollars.

Now I just need someone to play co-op with me.

It's local like the old school TMNT and X-Men arcade games, so, I need you to be there...

Hm.

Really no one except Colin that I know of would have any interest.

Hm.

Bummer.

Also, I had an excellent dream in which I hung out with Bowie at his house.

Not his real one, the one that I imagine he lives in.

The one I imagine him living in is MUCH cooler than any brownstone in the Village, by the by.

Finally, Will...did you get that...thing I sentcha?

Seriously, if it's not there by the end of the week, it's time for me to make some phone calls...