A: Eddie Murphy, Choking To Death On A Wet Sock

3.8.11

4:33 pm

Q: What does the man in here sound like when he laughs?

What do I win?

nothing

Enough of that.

Over the weekend, I set out to learn the keyboard line of this song that's been trapped in my head and screaming to get out like sixteen thousand hamsters on crystal meth with smaller hamsters declawed, detoothed and covered in Vaseline up their asses (not the whole song, just this goddamn two-and-a-half-second-long keyboard loop). This isn't your usual, "I keep singing the chorus to Bad Romance and it's driving me nutty LOL!!!" this is, "Every time I'm not actively thinking of or focusing on something, these notes start streaming through my mind, causing me to click my teeth together and tap my feet in time with the rhythm."

This sequence of notes has replaced silence in my mind.

First thing when I wake up and last thing before I fall asleep.

Looping.

Endless.

Murderous.

I failed in that task to replicate and, possible, hopefully, expunge it from my soul, and then said fuck it and made a dark, ambient thing that sounds a bit like Coil to me.

It's called "Just This Thing" and can be found here...

I made this piece using a keyboard and a Stylophone and Pro Tools.

I plan to do more dark, ambient stuff as the mood suits me and, although my one and only band is George Washington Diarrhea, I might start a new one for this, less vocal, more instrumental, more...I don't know..not fecal/phalli/dolphin-touching-centric sound.

Not that more than 70 people in the world have ever heard any of the music I've made, most likely far less.

The thing I'm concerned with regarding making music that involves very little musical input and/or talent and a whole lot of knob twiddling is that there's no real substance to it.

Stripped of all the effects I've layered onto it, "Just This Thing" isn't all that impressive.

Not that the final product is going to win me any Grammies, but I think it sounds cool and it definitely has a distinct, foreboding feel to it, which is what I was aiming for.

I mean, with enough work in post, knobs, buttons, switches and etc., you could probably strum a detuned electric guitar once and take the right person on a musical journey through their own spleen and back, but that doesn't say much for the composer's musical ability, of which, in my opinion, I have very little.

But that really doesn't matter as less than 70 people have ever heard anything I've done.

Which is sort of par for the course, I suppose, as four people read this.

Hi everyone.

How's things?

Good on ya.

All right, self deprecating hatespiral finished.

After recording my shitty bullshit fucking asshole piece of shit "song" on Saturday, I met with Lauren and we had some good Italian food capped off by some pretty bad Italian coffee (overtones of burned popcorn were present) and the best Italian chocolate cake I've had in months.

It was like eating Jesus' personal fudge stash, but made into a cake.

Augh, I'm actually salivating.

Pavlov was onto something...

After an excellent meal and a healthy amount of catching up, I returned home and did some grinding* in Dead Space 2, only to realize I might just be done with that game.

Fool of a Took.

The next day...I don't really remember, probably watched some West Wing, and then Chris came home from Katie's birthday thing in Philly and we watched The King's Speech, which was great, but maybe didn't deserve all those Oscars.

What happened was that Colin Firth didn't go full retard...because you never go full retard...unless you are, in fact, a full retard.

Hey, does the phrase 'full metal retard' make anyone else think of that Master Blaster guy from Thunderdome?

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I am now full retard.

And you never go full retard.

After finishing Perdido Street Station, I reread the first Grind Show book in preparation for spitballing ideas for the next few Grind Show books** with Phil, the second of which should, barring his fingers falling off, be finished April 1st, maybe give or take because of some extenuating circumstances in his real life.

After rereading TGS, I finally got to the Patton Oswalt book, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland.

A lot less funny and a lot more thoughtful that I'd expected, but still hilarious in places, namely the fake movie script punch-up and the essay about North American hobo songs.

If you have any interest in Oswalt's incredible stand up, you should check this out.

And, if you don't, then you haven't heard his stand up and I am better than you.

Or at least more versed in cultural literacy.

This evening, I will embark upon Stephen King's latest, a collection of novellas called Full Dark, No Stars, an excellent title which goes along with, so I've heard, an excellent book.

By the time I'm done with that, I'm going to read the most recent Dresden book, Side Jobs, which should lead me right up to the release of the newest Dresden book, Ghost Story, coming out in April.

Then, I will have read all the books there are and there will be no more.

Running beneath all this (aside from that fucking keyboard loop) is me, chiseling my way through West Wing.

I'm two episodes away from the end of season four and, I believe, the end of Sorkin's involvement with the show.

Hopefully, the dip in quality will not be too noticeable.

When I get home tonight, I think I'm going to spend a moment looking for tablature for this goddamn song so I don't blow my fucking head off.

Wish me luck.

* Grinding in the sense of doing the same, simple action again and again and again in order to make one's character more powerful, usually unfairly so, not in the sense of slamming my crotch against someone or something.

** The second of which, I have on good authority, will be called The Beauty Of The Beholder Is In The Eye Of The Cloacae.

Chocolate Santa EP press release

1. I Hope That I Get Anal For Christmas

lyrics by Guido Paparazzi

sung by George Washington Diarrhea

backing vocals, arrangement and production by Seymour Bitts

harmonica solo by Stevie IWonderWhyIDidThis

This was written years ago after Mr. Paparazzi had been exposed to, literally, hours of the terrible, bland Christmas music, like so much aural boiled cabbage, that haunts all the Lite Rock stations from the first of November to the end of December, wandering around the airwaves like sound zombies looking to sink teeth into the brains of anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to come in contact with it. As much a reaction to just this type of boring pap as a statement, of sorts, it will hopefully join such non-traditional Christmas songs as Beck's Little Drum Machine Boy and Mono Puff's Careless Santa.

Probably not though.

Let's be realistic.

Although if it did catch on and take off, the video would star Billy Bob Thornton as Santa doing horrible, horrible things to women's asses.

Horrible.

2. Jingle Dogs (French Expressionist version)

traditional song

performed by George Washington Diarrhea

What could possibly breathe life into the dull, age old tradition of 'Jingle Bells'?

Dogs.

God damn barking dogs could breathe life into the dull, age old tradition of 'Jingle Bells'.

And they did.

This version strives to scale back on some of the joyousness and frivolity and fun with which the dogs imbued it.

Strives and succeeds.

What The Beatles' "So This Is Christmas" is to the entire holiday music genre, "Jingle Dogs (French Expressionist version)" is to "Jingle Dogs".

Encapsulated in this song is the true meaning of Christmas: there is no God, there is only Dog...and He is barking.

George Washington Diarrhea proudly presents the Chocolate Santa EP

Magnum Opus

6.29.10

8:43 pm

Last weekend, I finished recording and mixing the best song I have ever created.

I say it is the best not because it has wacky lyrics or is just weird or to hyperbolize, I say it is the best because it perfectly expresses exactly what I was trying to express when I set out to make it.

The song itself is surprisingly dense (for me), so I'll break it down for you.

It's called "Tiny Dick", but it has nothing to do with genitals.

I know, I'm just as shocked as you.

The song is actually about the most awful, annoying, cancerous person I have ever known.

It has two distinct movements.

The first section is a peek inside my head at how this person affects me on a daily basis, and also features a caricature of the horrid being itself.

It ends with me taking on the role of this individual and giving the listener a glimpse inside its head, or what I'd imagine its head is like.

I'd never want to be that close to this thing in reality.

The second section of the song is a lot more conventional, a straight up message from me to it.

I will be the first to admit that the first half of this song is unlistenable, but it was made that way consciously, to illustrate the point of the song and, without it, it wouldn't have nearly as much...Truth...as it does.

It is unlistenable because that is how this person makes me feel.

It fills my head with this noise.

The first movement is feeling and emotion incarnate.

The second is just a snappy 'fuck you'.

Together?

Well, you decide.

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present...

Tiny Dick by George Washington Diarrhea.

Enjoy.

In this place you'll find...that I have lost my mind.

5.24.10

4:44 pm

You know...bees aren't really busy.

They just like to rub up against flowers.

So...busy as a bee really makes no sense.

So...stop saying it, as you are misrepresenting an entire species.

Are bees a species?

Ben Kingsley was in Species.

But he was also in Gandhi.

And Sexy Beast.

I feel like I've mentioned this before...

First things first, remember that I had said I had two songs on the bubbler?

Well, one of them was "BAILY", which more people need to hear and the other went from about 35% done to 75% done this weekend.

And it is my magnum motherfather opus.

I know I tend to...hyperbolize occasionally, NO!

NO , it's true, don't try to say it's not, I beg you...

But, there is not a hyperbolic bone in my body when I say that this song might be the best thing I've ever made.

And, like, sometimes I'll say "best" meaning, like, not REALLY the best, but more like...you know...not very god, you know?

But this is the true best.

Okay, I'm not reinstalling all the hyperbolic bones.

Ouch.

The was the most painful thing I HAVE EVER FELT EVER!!!!!!!!!!

There we go.

Aside from this song, I had an errant thought in that muddy place betwixt sleeping and waking, and I am now acting upon it.

It is going to be a lot more work than I had once thought, but it's going to pay off.

In some way.

Not money or anything, but HUGE dollops of whipped respect from a certain community.

And, now that I've mentioned it, I'll probably not do it.

We'll see...

And speaking of segues...I SEEN a bunch of stuff this weekend.

And last week!!

The first was 'Aliens Vs. Predator 2: Requiem'.

Although it probably couldn't have been worse if they'd named it 'Aliens Vs. Predator 2: WREAKQUIEM!!!!!!!'.

So...the Pralien that popped out at the end of AVP1 causes a Predator ship to crash on Earth, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, I.

Also on the ship are eight facehuggers in glass tubes, preserved, for study or sex, by the Predators.

We see this in the first three minutes.

The next twenty are used to introduce about a dozen human in this quiet, little town and to make us care about whether or not they are eviscerated/made into wombs by Aliens or hunted/decapitated by Predators.

The only thought I had while we met the Guy Who Just Got Out of Jail But Who Has A Good Heart, his friend the Guy Who Used To Be A Troublemaker But Is Now A Cop, the Troubled Punk Teen Who Also Has A Good Heart, the Girl That Loves Him (who is a total hot slut but whom we don't get to see naked before a Predator staples her to a wall with a spear...what's the point of releasing an unrated version of a horrible movie if there's no BOOBIES?! J'ACUSE AVP2!!!! J'ACUSE!!!!!!!!!!), the National Guard Reserve (or some goddamn thing) Mom Coming Home After oh fuck it, these people are all fodder.

As I was saying before I ACTUALLY BORED MYSELF AWAY FROM THE SENTENCE, the only thought going through my head while we met these people was, "I hope they will all die horribly".

And, for the most part, I was sated.

The only cool thing about this movie was seeing what would happen if a dozen or so Aliens went apeshit crazy in a small town in America while being tracked by a solitary Predator.

Guess what?

Lots of people die.

The "bad guy" is the matured Pralien.

Which looks like a big goddamn Alien, but with mottled tan skin like a Predator.

Aside from being mucho ugly, this thing has somehow evolved the ability to slam it's mouth over that of pregnant women and pump offspring directly into their bodies via their throats.

I'm not kidding.

It was pretty gross.

Then they birth three at a time, rather than one.

It's messy.

In the end, the Government fucking nukes the town (way to go), the Predator and Pralien impale each other on sharp things and the Guy Who Just Got Out Of Jail (played...hm...not "well"...not..."horribly"...just played then, by White Sean from Rescue Me), his brother, the Mother who blah blah and the Daughter of the Mother make it out alive.

The very end is some government dude bringing a Predator laser weapon to some Asian chick who says, "The world isn't ready for this technology" and then the government dude says (WITH THE WORST DELIVERY OF A LINE OF THIS TYPE CAN HAVE!!!!!), "But this isn't for...this world, is it, Ms. Yutani (the "Yutani" from "the Company")?".

And then the movie ends.

And it's awful.

One other thing that was pretty awesome; at the beginning, the first two Alien Wombs were a father and son (like 10 or 11 years old) hunting.

I was thinking they would pull some punches and have the kid escape...no.

Not only does he get totally facefucked, he gets cheastburst.

It set my expectations a bit high, but that didn't last long.

See, the most frustrating thing is I don't know what would make a good AVP movie.

I wish I did, but, until I do, I'ma keep ooooooon bitchin'.

Also saw 'The Invention Of Lying'.

Ricky Gervais needs a special kind of movie, and he was doing a few different things in this one, INCLUDING showing "real" sincere emotion and good acting skills at the bedside of his dying mother.

Amazing to see him do that and do it well.

I'd be interested to see him in some About Schmidt or Little Miss Sunshine dark comedy stuff, see how he does.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Garner (his opposite in this not a romcom romcom) looks like Julia Roberts less mutated child.

Not that Julia Roberts has a mutated child, that I know of, I'm just saying that Jennifer Garner looks like a less mutated Julia Roberts.

Sorry for the confusion.

And, finally, I saw the series finale of 'Lost'.

I was left feeling disappointed.

Mainly with the explanation/wrap up of the parallel universe (a concept I totally dig but seldom seen done well).

As for the rest of the plot or the "real" plot, the ridiculous behemoth that's been lumbering around in our lives for the past seven or eight years?

Unsatisfying, but, I do understand it is hard to wrap something THAT huge in a tidy little blanket.

Basically, it could have been worse, and, in the long run, it doesn't matter, it's a TV show.

It did get me to thinking about what TV shows I have watched from start to finish and gotten a real sense of satisfaction out of.

Not very many came to mind.

In fact, I think 'The Wire' may be it.

Amazing show.

Some people think it was slow, but it was building that's all; and, in the end, worth every gut-wrenching second.

'The Shield' had a solid ending but nothing that blew my mind.

Same with 'Oz'.

'Fresh Prince' was kind of gay.

The ending of 'Sopranos' was indifferent faux-art douchbaggery, not good, some people made that mistake.

It was also kind of hilarious for all those people downloading it.

The gamut of emotional responses went from pissed to confused (then a quick trip to a bunch of message boards where the phrase "There's nothing wrong with your file, that is the end of the series" was repeated lots of time) to really pissed.

Overall though, the biggest problem I have seems to be with shows that aren't "real", you know?

Cop drama, cop action drama, Will Smith vehicle, prison soap opera, organized crime soap opera...truly excellent to shit stew in my mind, as far as endings go, but 'Battlestar Galactica'?

Nope.

Hated that ending.

'Dollhouse'?

Didn't quite hate it, but walked away unsatisfied (along with the creator of the show, but you know what I mean).

I don't know, all in all, with those shows it seems to be more about the journey than the destination, but can't SOMEBODY reconcile the two?

Maybe 'Fringe', although J.J. Abrams is down one with that 'Lost' ending.

I suppose we'll see.

In your mouth.

BAILY

Because I need to.
HERE.

The First Half of 'The Wrestler'

4.6..10

3:29 pm

Had an audition earlier today, went pretty well, but THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

When I got home I put on "The Wrestler".

I've watched about half of it.

Here are my predictions for the last half:

1. There will be awkward sex between Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei

2.  Evan Rachel Wood AKA Li'l Miss Emotional Amplifier will have a wary reconciliation with her father.

3. Mickey Rourke will die in his comeback wrestling match.

4. There will be more sad music.

Seriously though, going back to ERW, she's on screen for less than a minute before dragging all the estranged and angry daughter tropes screaming from the vaults.

She goes from zero to sullen to ACTING in thirty seconds, time it.

It's very...emotional.

She even makes the "what do you want from me?!" hand-to-body gesture while demanding, "What do you want from me?!"

Someone get this girl an Oscar...made of pacing.

Anyway.

Over the weekend and at work yesterday I put some work in on my next "song".

It's about this dude at work I loathe.

My friends, it is BILIOUS.

I don't think I've been happier with something I've done in some time, song-wise, at least.

When it's closer to fruition, I'll give you some more background.

Oh, I'm just about done with the final Hitchhiker's Guide book.

Man, is it dragging.

I keep hoping for the characters themselves to explode this time.

Finished the first season of Burn Notice and, since I'm going into the second, I suppose I liked it.

And I've noticed something about Ennis' The Boys comic.

Nothing is happening.

Or if they are, they're happening sooooo slowly, they might as well not be happening at all.

There are some interesting set ups, but I can see them dragging these set ups along like loaded guns that are just going to make a PAFF noise when they're finally fired.

Seriously, it's impressive for a book to be so unsubtle while at the same time having nothing occurring with the story.

I get it: all superheroes are degenerate scum and The Boys are the bad good guys/good bad guys, lesser of two evils etc. but, 30 plus issues in and nothing seems to be happening.

I have just cracked the sixth trade (issues 30 through 38, I believe), here's hoping something interesting happens.

Happen, happen, happen.

There.

NNNEEEWWW SSSHHHIIITTT!!!!!!

My band, George Washington Diarrhea, has just posted its latest "release".
It's called "(Old Lady) Playing Piano" and can be heard here.
Enjoy.

Am I prolific yet?

Not one, you filthy beggars, but fucking TWO BRAND NEW SONGS up on my band's website!!!!!!
The first is a cover of a live improv that Beck did a few yeara go and the second?
All me.
Mit bongoes.
Just pop over here and embrace EVEN MORE of me.

Taste it.

HERE.


Also: check out George Washington Diarrhea's My Space page for the full theme song.
There's harmony and a special guest singer...The Sandwich.